How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?    How Can You Mend A Broken Heart? by
Iris Gray

 Author's webpage: http://victoria.tc.ca/~wy236/fic.html

  

 <PRE> How Can You Mend A Broken Heart? 

 Benton Fraser paced his small apartment. One moment he felt numb, the
next he felt the most unimaginable pain. He wasn't certain which, if
either, was preferable. Sometimes he thought that feeling something would
be better than feeling nothing, then the pain would hit him again and he
would wish for the numbness to return. 

 How had he come to this point? He'd had a fight with Ray Vecchio. Ray,
his best friend, his partner, and his lover. He hadn't intended to fight
with Ray. It was the last thing he would ever want to do. But they had
fought, and Ray had left him. 

 He supposed that Ray hadn't meant for him to overhear his conversation
with Det. Huey. Ray had just forgotten about Super Mountie Hearing. Benny
had heard it, heard every painful word. It had gone something like this: 

 Huey: Hey, Vecchio, why does the Mountie always tag along with you on
your cases? You two sleeping together or something? 

 Ray: Ha ha. Very funny, Jack. Like I would sleep with a guy. 

 Huey: Well, as guys go, he's pretty good looking. 

 Ray: So why would I notice something like that? He's a *guy*, Jack. And a
very annoying one, too. He tastes everything. Including piddle! He stops
and holds doors open for people when we're in a hurry. He always nags me
about my driving. He's the most annoying man in the world! 

 Huey: Well if he's so annoying, why do you let him hang around? Why don't
you tell him to take a hike? 

 Ray: Aww, my family likes him. And to tell you the truth, I kinda feel
sorry for him. He doesn't have any other friends here. But sleep with him?
Never. 

 Then Ray had walked out of the break room and run right in to Fraser.
Benny could tell by the look on his face that he hadn't expected his
partner to overhear what he'd been saying to Huey. Ray dragged him into
the supply closet. 

 "Look, how much of that did you hear?" Ray asked. 

 "All of it, Ray. Every word. You said that I am annoying and that you
would never consider sleeping with me - which is odd, considering what we
were doing last night." 

 "Hell, Benny, what was I supposed to say? I can't let the guys know I'm
sleeping with another man! Do you have any idea what kinds of things
happen to gay cops?" 

 "As a matter of fact, Ray, I do. However, you could have simply told
Detective Huey that who you sleep with is none of his business. You could
have changed the subject. You didn't need to go to in to such elaborate
detail about how annoying you find me. Even if they did find out, the
other detectives in this precinct are your friends, Ray. I don't think
they would turn on you if they suddenly found out you had a male lover." 

 "Look, Benny, I can't talk about this right now," said Ray. "I'll see you
at your place later, okay?" 

 "Very well, Ray. If you don't think I'm too annoying to spend time with."


 "Benny!" exclaimed Ray. But Fraser had already left. 

 

 Ray had come to Benny's apartment, and they had continued their
'discussion.' The discussion had escalated in to an argument. 

 "Are you ashamed of me, Ray?" Benny asked. 

 "No, I'm not ashamed of you! What makes you think that?" his lover
responded. 

 "You refuse to tell anyone about our relationship. No one in your family
knows. No one at the precinct knows. I'm sure you're aware that there are
rumours about us, about why we're always together. I know that
homosexuality is treated with contempt in the police force. But I think
there's a difference between keeping your private life private and going
to extremes to deny that you and I are lovers." 

 "Benny, if this is another attempt to get me to come out to my family,
you can forget it. I'm NOT doing it. No way." 

 "Ray, do you love me?" 

 "Oh, no, Benny, don't start that! This isn't going to be about my proving
that I love you. If you don't believe it by now, you're never going to.
I've had it. I'm leaving." And he walked out. 

 That had been yesterday. Fraser had stayed home all day, stayed away from
work, hoping that Ray would come back. It occurred to him that Ray would
know to look for him at the Consulate if he wasn't at home, but he didn't
feel able to face the outside world at the moment. He was afraid he would
burst into tears in public. He'd already cried more than he thought was
possible. He vaguely wondered if he would get dehydrated. 

 Somewhere nearby a radio was playing. Fraser listened to the words of the
song. It was almost as if the artist had read his mind.  I can think of
younger days when living for my life Was everything a man could want to
do.  

 I could never see tomorrow, but I was never told about the sorrow.  And
how can you mend a broken heart? How can you stop the rain from falling
down? How can you stop the sun from shining? What makes the world go
round? How can you mend a this broken man? How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again. I can still
feel the breeze that rustles through the trees And misty memories of days
gone by  

 We could never see tomorrow, noone said a word about the sorrow.  And how
can you mend a broken heart? How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining? What makes the world go round? How
can you mend this broken man? How can a loser ever win? Please help me
mend my broken heart and let me live again.  

 This was him. He was a broken man, he was a loser. He had just lost the
man that he loved more than anything in the world. Obviously he was not
meant for a lasting relationship. He messed up everything. He'd let
Victoria get away with murder. He'd inadvertently caused Irene Zuko to be
shot. And Ray had been the one to pay for most of his mistakes. How could
Ray possibly love him? 

 Was his life really worth living? 

 Diefenbaker came up and licked his hand. He buried his face in the wolf's
fur. No, he wouldn't kill himself, even if his life was over. Diefenbaker
needed him. And when Ray found out, well, he would probably blame himself,
and Benny didn't want that. 

 

 Ray had gone to work as usual, but somehow it just didn't feel right
without Benny around. He told himself he was being silly; Benny wasn't
there *all* the time, he had a job of his own. But he kept turning to say
something to Fraser, only to find that he wasn't there. And he would
remember the harsh words they'd exchanged the night before. Finally, he'd
phoned the Consulate, to check and make sure Benny was OK, he told
himself. He didn't actually have to talk to him, he wasn't calling because
he wanted to apologize. At least, that's what he kept saying in his head.
But Fraser wasn't at work today. The Inspector said that he hadn't called,
he just hadn't shown up. That worried Ray a bit. The last time Benny had
missed work he'd been with Victoria. 

 Elaine approached his desk with a file he'd asked her for. "Hey, Ray, is
Fraser going to be coming by today?" she asked. 

 "No, Elaine, Fraser is *not* coming by today. As a matter of fact, Fraser
probably won't be coming by ever again." 

 "Why not?" Elaine asked in surprise. "Did he get a transfer or
something?" 

 "No, Elaine, he just doesn't work here! Hasn't anyone noticed that by
now? Fraser. Does. Not. Work. Here. He has his own job at the Consulate,
and that's where he belongs, not here in the Chicago PD when he isn't one
of us." 

 "I kind of always thought of him as one of us," replied Elaine. 

 "Well he's not, okay? He's a Mountie! He's Canadian! " 

 "What, and that means that suddenly he isn't a human being, Ray?" asked
the Civilian Aide. 

 "No, it just means he's different, and he doesn't belong here." 

 "You know, Ray, not that long ago some people would have thought that I
don't belong here because I'm a woman, or because my skin happens to be
darker than theirs. Some people *still* think that way. Fraser doesn't,
and it's one of the reasons why I like him. Think about it." And she
returned to her desk. 

 Ray watched her go. What on earth was she talking about? Being a woman?
Skin colour? She was a cop. Gender and skin colour didn't matter. The only
time he thought about her being female was when she was throwing herself
at Fraser. 

 Damn, now he was thinking about Benny again. He had to stop doing that.
He didn't miss Benny. Benny was the most annoying man in the world, even
he thought that, and he'd been Benny's best friend and lover. Funny how he
thought of being Benny's best friend in the past tense. He hadn't had a
best friend since he was a kid. //I should never have started sleeping
with him// thought Ray. //You shouldn't have sex with your friends, it
messes everything up.// Why had he ever done something so bizarre as sleep
with Benny? Well, because Benny was good looking, and he was a nice guy,
and most of all because Ray loved him. Why was it so hard for Benny to
believe that? Any time they had any kind of fight or disagreement, Benny
would give him the big-eyed Mountie look and ask, "Do you love me?" And
Ray would always answer yes, he loved Benny, and Benny would smile and
suddenly Ray would forget what they'd been fighting about in the first
place. He had to admit, the makeup sex had been great. 

 //No, no, no// Ray told himself. //Do not think about sex with Benny.
Don't think about Benny at all.// 

 Okay, he shouldn't have said those things to Huey. That had been uncalled
for. Benny had been right; he could have just said it was none of Jack's
business. Would the others at the Precinct really take it that badly if
they knew he was ....had been ..... sleeping with Fraser? Sleeping with
Fraser, hell, he was in love with Fraser. It wasn't about sex. He loved
the Mountie, even if he was annoying. 

 Okay, so he loved Fraser. But it was too late to think about that now.
He'd ended things last night. He'd ended it when Benny had asked him if he
loved him. He'd also asked if Ray was ashamed of him. All because he
didn't want to come out. He didn't want things to change. He wanted to
keep his reputation as a ladies' man. Ladies' man? Did he really have a
reputation like that? And even if he did, was it that important? 

 Would his family really have a hard time accepting his being in love with
Fraser? His Ma loved Benny. The kids loved Benny. Francesca loved Benny -
okay, maybe she'd have a harder time with it. Maria and Tony liked him
well enough. 

 Ray got up from his desk and left the Precinct. Ordinarily he'd be
picking up Benny at the Consulate and driving him home. But not tonight. 

 He arrived home to hear Frannie's radio blaring in the kitchen.
"Frannie!" he yelled. "The entire house does not share your taste in
music!" 

 "Shut up, Ray. I like this song," his sister replied, turning it up even
louder. Ray caught some of the words. 

 "Without You" 

 No I can't forget this evening
 Or your face as you were leaving
 But I guess that's just the way
 The story goes
 You always smile but in your eyes
 Your sorrow shows
 Yes it shows
 No I can't forget tomorrow
 When I think of all my sorrow
 When I had you there
 But then I let you go
 And now it's only fair
 That I should let you know
 What you should know 

 I can't live
 If living is without you
 I can't live
 I can't give anymore
 I can't live
 If living is without you
 I can't give
 I can't give anymore 

 I can't live
 If living is without you " 

 Ray collapsed to the floor and the tears started to flow. He couldn't
live without Benny. He just couldn't. 

 "MA!" Frannie yelled. "Something's wrong with Ray!" 

 Mrs. Vecchio hurried in to the room and saw her son on the floor. She
bent down and took him in her arms. "What's wrong, caro?" she asked. 

 "Ma, I love Benny," Ray sobbed. 

 "And why does that make you cry?" asked his mother. 

 "Because I left him. I walked out on him. I let him think that I don't
love him. He asked me if I loved him and I didn't answer him." 

 Mrs. Vecchio raised Ray's face so that he was looking at her. "Raymondo,
please explain what you are talking about. Start at the beginning?" 

 Ray sobbed out the entire story of his relationship with Fraser. His
mother listened, making soothing noises, not saying anything. When he was
finished, she said, "So, Raymondo, what do you want to do?" 

 "What do you mean, Ma?" asked Ray. 

 "Do you really want to end things with Benton?" 

 "No, Ma, I don't. But I walked out on him." 

 "You have two legs, Raymondo. Walk back in." 

 "I don't know if he'll take me back," whispered Ray. 

 "Does he love you, caro?" asked Mrs. Vecchio. 

 "I - I think he does." 

 "Then he will take you back. Go to him, Raymondo, before you break your
heart any more." 

 Ray stood up, feeling a bit shakey. Then he turned to his mother. "Ma,
you don't have a problem with this? My loving Benny?" 

 Rosa Vecchio smiled. "No, caro. I can tell that you love him. Two people
who love each other, how can I have a problem with that? I know, it is not
what the church would say. I will have to pray about that. But I love
Benton and if he is your - what do they call it, life partner? - that
makes him my son. 

 "Raymondo, I never told you this, but the reason your brother left, all
those years ago, is because he thought he might be homosexual. And I did
not deal well with that information. So he left. I will not make that
mistake again. Tell Benton for me that he is welcome in this family." 

 "I will, Ma. And thanks." Ray kissed his mother and headed to Benny's
apartment. 

 Benny was sitting in the dark. Ray could tell, even in the darkness, that
Benny hadn't eaten or slept since the previous night. He wore the same
clothes. He had a slight growth of beard on his face. Moving closer, Ray
saw that the Mountie's eyes were red and swollen. "Benny?" he said. 

 Fraser didn't move. He *thought* he heard Ray, but he couldn't have. Ray
had left him. Ray was never coming back. 

 "Benny," came the voice again. Auditory hallucinations? Ben supposed
sleep deprivation could cause those. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

 Ray crouched beside his lover. "Benny, it's me. I came back. Look at me.
Please, Benny." 

 "R-Ray?" Ben stammered. "Is it really you?" 

 "It's really me, Benny." 

 Fraser stared at the Italian. Ray looked as if he had been crying. 

 "I'm sorry, Benny. For everything." Ray lifted one hand to Benny's face.
Benny clasped the hand in his own and held it against his cheek. 

 "I'm sorry too, Ray. I had no right to pressure you to come out to your
family or friends." 

 "You did have the right, Benny. You're my partner. And I'm *not* ashamed
of you, of us. Benny, I told my Ma about us. She said welcome to the
family." 

 "Is there an 'us', Ray?" asked Benny. 

 "There is if you want there to be," answered Ray. 

 Benny kissed the hand he had been holding. "I love you, Ray," he said. 

 Ray kissed the man he loved. "I love you too, caro. How about we make up
properly?" 

 Ben smiled. "Excellent suggestion, Ray." He stood, took Ray's hand, and
led him to the bed. 

 And, as always, the makeup sex was great. 

 END 

 Note: Lyrics to "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart" by Barry and Robin Gibb
Lyrics and Music to "Without You" by William P. Ham and Tom Evans. (The
version Frannie was listening to was performed by Mariah Carey). 

 </PRE>