Hello    

Hello. I'm baa-aack... OK, for those of you who need it there is a major
Victoria warning in this. But I don't hate her as much as a lot of people
do, so don't expect a Bitch Bashing fest like some stories are. Also add a
warning for implied m/m content. (But really if you've been paying
attention, you'd expect it from me.) This little story was inspired by an
Alanis Morissette song (the hidden one) at the end of her album. 

	All right, disclaimers.... These characters do not belong to me.
But since the owners don't really seem to want them anymore, I can't see
them getting their panties in a bunch if I play with them for a little
while. Besides, I can't see them suing me for a collection of stuffed
animals anyway. 

FEEDBACK IS IMPORTANT! Got that? So if you want to comment on anything in
the story, good or bad, or just like to bitch, drop me a line at
kminx@hotmail.com. Okay? 

	Thanks go out to my beta-reader Laina, who liked Victoria until I
made her watch the episode. After that she just kept mumbling "F**king
bitch" under her breath. Go figure. To missed chances. Because sometimes
you don't realize what you've had until you blow it. By then it's too
late. Forgive Me Love 

  

- By Midge Knight 

The knob on your door turns so easily, and I'm allowed in your apartment
with no problem at all. Don't you know you should have locks on your door,
especially in this neighborhood? I'm sure your friend Ray has told you
that. I didn't like him at all, but at least I know he cared about you. I
wish I could have been the same. 

I shouldn't be here. I'm a wanted felon, entering a cop's apartment. I
really shouldn't be here, but I can't stay away. I love you Ben. And this
time, if you can't come with me, if it pleases you, I'll stay here with
you.	

	I see your bed, and it brings back a flood of memories of the
nights we spent together, making love and being happy. Until I ruined it.
I'm so sorry Ben. Can you ever forgive me for what I've done? I was so
full of rage and hate at the time; it blinded me to the love you were
offering. I never meant for it to turn out the way it did. I never meant
for you to get.... Please, forgive me. 

	I fall down to the bed sobbing, remembering the look of pain and
fear in your eyes when you were shot. I can't stop crying, knowing it was
all my fault. Between the sobs, my nose pulls in a familiar scent. Your
scent; it's on the pillow. I stop crying so I can inhale your smell
deeper. God, how I miss your smell. Strong, clean, masculine, fresh and
pure. Everything you are. But now I notice another smell mingled in with
it. I sniff again, trying to identify it. At first I think perfume, and
for a second I think you have meet another woman, then I realize it's
aftershave. A very good, rather expensive aftershave. But I don't remember
you wearing aftershave before, just a light lotion to keep your skin
smooth. Amazing how in the time I have been gone you've already picked up
a new habit; wearing aftershave. Just by sniffing a pillow I have learned
something new about you. I laugh to myself, thinking about how you would
take the news of me sniffing things like you do. I remember us talking
about it in the days we were together after the storm. I remember thinking
how weird, but oddly intriguing I thought it was what you could find out
by sniffing and tasting things. You told me women, on average, have a
better sense of smell then men. I wonder what else I could find out about
you. 

	I shift my head on the pillow and feel a clammy wetness. Gross.
Then I realize it's the moisture from my own tears. Great, on top of
everything else, now I've gotten your pillow all wet. But if you can find
it in your heart to forgive me for what I did last time, I don't think you
would banish me over a soggy pillow. And if you can't or won't forgive
me... then my heart will be broken all over again, and I won't give a damn
about the stupid pillow. 

	My lip starts to tremble at the possibility of you not forgiving
me. What if you hate me now as I once thought I did you then? I shouldn't
have come here. I can't stay and let you find me. You'll turn me into the
police again. As I reach for the door I think of all that running has cost
me. The sleepless nights, the lonely bed, the worry and the fear, the
hiding. But most of all it cost me you Benton. I can't leave again. I
still do love you, you know. 

	Instead of going to the door to the apartment, I go to the closet,
looking for another pillowcase to change the one I soaked. When I open the
closet what do I see? A robe, a white fluffy robe hangs on the closet
door. I pick it up, surprised that it is even softer than it looks. I
bring it up to my face to feel it's texture and again I can smell you. A
little fainter this time, and mixed with soap, but there. And this time,
no after shave. So you don't shave in your robe, which probably means you
get dressed first, at least part way. At this my mind flashes to an image
of you standing in front of a mirror bear-chested, in only your jeans.
Your face half covered in shaving cream as you lift that dreadful straight
razor to your face, coming down smoothly across your square jaw. It comes
down again, this time almost to your throat. Oh Ben, please don't cut
yourself with that thing! My heart jumps. I see your delicate throat in my
mind's eye. The lump of your Adam's apple, the soft throb of your pulse in
your neck. I think back to the time when we were together, to when I
kissed and nibbled on that delicate pulse. Alternately wanting to rip it
out and kiss it better. I was so confused back then, but now I know how
much I need you. I think of you again standing before the mirror, but in
only your boxer shorts now instead of jeans. The fabric pulled taunt
across your butt as you lean forward. The trail of dark hair beneath your
belly button that leads to your... My heart skips for a different reason
this time. Suddenly it feels too warm in your small apartment. I take off
my coat and a better idea occurs to me. I have to smile at my own
cleverness.  

	I strip off not only my coat, but everything down to my panties.
Then I wrap myself in your robe, feeling now like you're all around me. I
feel warmth, safety, and love, everything I felt in your embrace. I lie
back down on the bed in your robe, feeling it rub enticingly against my
soft skin. I glance at the closet and see a second robe, a blue one.
Curious that you would have two robes now when before you didn't even have
one. But when I rise to look at it a flash of red is seen from the corner
of my eye. It's your uniform. I thought you'd be wearing it, but then I
know that I'm glad you're not. That uniform itself reminds me most
intimately of you. The morning after our first night together I got to
wear the tunic. In order to wear it to work you had to claim it from me. I
smile brightly, for instead of the tunic you claimed me. You never made it
to work that morning at all.  

I heard your friend Ray on the other side of the door that morning,
congratulating you on having a woman in your apartment. I had to bite my
lip from laughing at how happy he sounded for you. If he had known then
how I was to hurt you, he would have known congratulations were not in
order. He wasn't so happy later when you missed his boys' night out
because of me. I had once hated him because of that, and because I knew he
was truly your friend. Because he could be the one reason for you to stay,
and you had had a friend while I had been all alone for 10 years. I had to
make you betray him as you had done to me. Later, I hated him even more
for shooting you and taking you away when I finally had you. Eventually I
learned to forgive him because I knew he had been trying to protect you. I
came to terms with my hate, and learned to let it go. Now I can be happy,
and now I have the courage to come back to you. 

I take off the robe in favor of the red surge. The material is a little
scratchy, but oddly comforting. This too smells like you, on top of the
sent from the dry cleaning. I button it up and lie back down on the bed. I
remember again your smile, your hands on me, your hot lips covering mine.
And those eyes, looking at me with complete love and trust. And I betrayed
that love and trust. I stomped on it and took it for granted that you
would still love me. My eyes flood with tears again at how I treated you.
I was given a gift and I rejected it. But this time it will be different,
I swear. I hope. Can you ever forgive me for what I did? Or will you hate
me with all I deserve? Then I remember your tender heart, and I have faith
that will forgive me. Faith... something I never had before. I have it now
because of you. 

I fantasize for the millionth time what it will be like when I see you
again. Will you grace me with that smile and take me in your arms? Will
you kiss me with those soft warm lips that whispered my name? Cover me
with the solid bulk of your body that radiates the best kind of heat one
form can give to another? My skin becomes flushed as I recall with careful
clarity the feel of all these things. I reach to unbutton the top of the
tunic, because it seems the temperature in your apartment has suddenly
risen. Turning my head I notice a letter sitting on your trunk. The same
one I broke into to steal your gun. It says the name 'Benny' on it. It's
only a plain white envelope, and I debate whether or not I should open it.
It would be prying; but then again here I am in your home without
permission, half nude and wearing your tunic. A simple matter of reading
your letter seems trivial at this point. Sitting up, I pick it up noticing
with satisfaction that it has already been opened. Since you already read
it this isn't really snooping, right? I unfold it and begin to read: 

Dearest Benny; 

	Love, last night was wonderful. That's a heck of a way to
celebrate our anniversary. I loved it. Looking forward to more celebrating
tonight. I'll bring the wine; you bring the whipped cream. See you tonight
at 7 sweetheart. -Forever Yours, Ray 

Oh my God! OH MY GOD! No! Please tell me it's not true. Please tell me
this is all some kind of sick joke or terrible mistake. Ben, you're
not.... But as I read it again I know in my heart that it is true. You and
that cop have become lovers! And have been for some time. I'm devastated,
confused, hurt, sad, and angry. How could you be in love with me and then
be in love with *him*? I run to the closet, trying to confirm what I
already know. I grab the second robe and smell it. I catch another
masculine sent not your own, this one accompanied by aftershave. The same
aftershave I smelled on your pillow. As I look around I see other clues.
The cupboards have real dishes in them now, there are a few of his silk
shirts and Armani suits in the closet. He obviously spends a lot of time
here. It is true, Ray Vecchio is the one you are in love with now, not me.
At this realization I feel my heart shatter in my chest. How could you do
this to me? How can you be in love with another MAN? This is the worst
betrayal of all Ben. Tears blur my vision and I can't see, but I try to
find my way around anyway. That is how I end up stubbing my toe on the
chair leg. 

"Shit! Shit, shit!" I yell, falling to the ground and clutching my toe. I
don't know whether I'm cursing at the physical pain, the emotional ones,
or at you Ben. I just know I need to curse at something. 

Then it occurs to me that I should be cursing myself. I'm the one who did
this, not you. I betrayed you, just as I felt you had done to me so many
years before. But my betrayal was cold and calculated, where as yours had
been in the interest of justice. And like you, by the time I realized my
betrayal it has become too late. Nothing can be undone. Forgiveness is no
longer an issue.  

And why shouldn't you have love now? Love was the one thing I couldn't
give you fully before. What did Ray do to earn your forgiveness and love
after he shot you? Did he stay by your hospital bed every day? Did he
stand by you whenever you needed him, like someone who truly loves you
should? And what did you do, my loving Ben, to earn his forgiveness and
love as well? 

When I realize I can't have those things from you I start crying again.
This time the pain is worse, tears of sorrow hurt more than tears of
anger. I can barley find my way around your apartment through the tears,
but I manage to gather up my clothes and get dressed. I hang your tunic
where I found it, if perhaps not as neatly as you had it. 

I leave, daring to glance back once more. Please forgive me for ever
coming back, for sneaking into your apartment. Forgive me for setting you
and Ray up. Forgive me for getting you shot. Forgive me for hating you.
Forgive me for loving you. Forgive me as I have learned to forgive you.  

Still crying I run out, shutting the door. Shutting out all the plans I
had for love. I'll never see you again, I know that now. You have found
love without me. Good-bye Ben, although you'll never know I was here.  

######################## 

Ben, Ray, and Diefenbaker walked into the apartment, still laughing at
some joke Ray had made. Both men each carried a large brown bag full of
groceries.  

"I'll just put these down on the table," Ray said, carrying the bags into
the kitchen/dinning room and setting them down. 

Ben looked at the bedroom at Dief's sharp whine and growl. Whatever Dief
detected wasn't very pleasant. Fraser noticed that the bedclothes were
rumpled, an indentation in the center of the bed. He had made the bed
perfectly before he left this morning, and he and Ray had been out all
day. He felt the covers. They were only slightly cool, which meant they
had just missed whoever had been here, probably by less than ten minutes. 

"What's the matter?" Ray asked, coming up behind him. He had noticed
Dief's agitation and Ben's reaction. 

"Nothing," Ben said.  

He didn't want to tell Ray just yet that someone had been in the
apartment. That was sure to get him another lecture on how doors needed
locks. None the less, Ray seemed suspicious. 

"Benny...." Ray always knew when Fraser was trying to hide something. 

"It's no big deal Ray, really. It's just..." He stopped when, turning to
look at Ray, he noticed the closet door was slightly ajar. 

"Oh dear," he whispered before he could stop himself. If someone had
stolen his uniform... 

"What? 'Oh dear' what?" Ray asked, annoyed. 

Ignoring him, Ben went to the closet to see what damage had been done.
Surprisingly, everything was still there, including his uniform. It looked
like the clothes had been ruffled through, and his uniform had been taken
off the hanger then rather haphazardly been put back on.  

"Benny, what's going on?" Ray asked from behind him. 

"I'm not sure yet Ray." 

Who would break into his apartment, lay on his bed, take down and hang up
his uniform, but not steal anything? It didn't make any sense. 

"Someone's been here," Ray said, glancing around the room. 

"Yes." 

"Damn it," Ray hissed, pulling out his cell phone. 

"Ray, what are you doing?" 

"I'm calling this in. Someone broke into your apartment." 

"There wasn't much breaking involved. Besides, nothing appears to be
missing." 

"That's besides the point, Benny." 

"No it's not Ray. What are you going to report? Illegally ruffling through
a closet?" 

Ray sighed and reluctantly closed the phone. "Just make sure nothing is
missing. And tomorrow we're buying locks. No ifs ands or buts about it." 

	Ben took out his tunic and sniffed it. It was very faint, but
there was another sent on top of his own. One that was somehow....
familiar. 

"Your robe's been moved." Ray said, gesturing toward the armchair. The
robe lay draped across it. 

"So it has." Ben picked it up and sniffed it as well. 

"Eww Benny, don't put that to your nose. You don't know what they might
have done to it."  

"Well Ray, all I smell is perfume." He sniffed again. "Expensive perfume."


"You mean this is all about some obsessed woman breaking into your
apartment to wear your robe? That's weird... Frannie!" Ray hastily pulled
out his cell phone again. 

"No Ray, it's not her. This doesn't smell like Francesca." 

"I'm not gonna ask how you know what my sister smells like." 

"This is different..." He stopped when he finally recognized that scent.  

It had been years, but he would never forget that fragrance. No, it
couldn't be! He dashed over to the bed and sniffed the covers. It was
there, mingled in with his and Ray's familiar scents like an intruder. It
was strongest on the pillow, which was slightly damp. He stuck his tongue
out slightly to taste the fabric. 

"Benny!" 

Tears, to his trained palate it was easy to distinguish sweat from tears.
So she had been crying. Over what, he wondered? He found a single strand
of her dark curly hair. 

"Okay, Fraser. You want to tell me what's going on? Really?" 

"It's nothing important, Ray." 

  

Why would Victoria come into his home, wear his robe and tunic, cry, and
then just leave? Had she seen Ray with him? Did she think he would turn
her in again? Then he saw the reason. Half hidden under the bed was the
note Ray had written him the other night. It was lying next to the
envelope it had been in, as if both had been dropped to the floor. He knew
he had left it on the trunk this morning, after he read it over again;
just as he had done every morning since Ray had given it to him earlier
that week. He picked it up, and noticed a few tearstains on the letter.
For a moment that made him angry. How dare she soil Ray's love letter with
her tears! But the anger quickly dissipated. She now knew that he and Ray
were lovers, and had cried over it. Yet, instead of confronting him with
this knowledge she had just left. No revenge, no tearing up of the letter,
just put his tunic back and left. What did that mean? Had Victoria
realized that it meant he was finally over her? Was she out of his life
for good? To his own surprise, as well as Ray's, he began to chuckle. 

"Benny, what's so funny? Please tell me what this is all about." 

"I wouldn't worry about it, Ray. Honestly." 

"But Fraser..." 

Ben stood up and held his shoulders, looking him square in the eyes. 

"Ray, trust me. It doesn't matter. Everything is fine." 

Ray looked at the way Ben's eyes sparkled with happiness and amusement and
decided that whatever it was must really not be that bad. 

"Okay, whatever you say." Ben leaned forward and hugged him then pulled
back slightly for a kiss.  

"Mmmm," was all Ray could say to that. 

Ben thought about Victoria having been in his home and finding out about
him and Ray. He wasn't even a little upset anymore; actually he was
relieved. He had long ago been able to forgive her for what she had done
to him, and more importantly, himself for what he had done to her. Ray's
love and forgiveness of him had helped him do it. And although he had
regrets about what happened between him and Victoria, he never regretted a
single day he had with Ray. The one person who loved him more than anyone
had ever dared, and whose love he never had to be afraid to return. 

	Ben kissed Ray again, putting all of himself and his love and
passion into it. Then he broke the kiss and smiled his most radiant smile.


"Thank you very much, Ray." 

"For what? You kissed me." Ray said, grinning. 

"For loving me enough to forgive me." 

"Huh? Benny wha..." 

But Fraser shut him up by kissing him again soundly. If Ray were allowed
to pursue that train of thought it would lead to too many questions.
Luckily, Ray was easy to distract. Before long they were backing towards
the bed, dinner and the groceries forgotten for the next few hours. Dief
curled up on the rug, knowing he'd have a while to wait for dinner. 

FINIS 

"Well, you're not going to get it. Sometimes in life all you need is that
second chance. And that's the one thing you're not going to get." -Bob
Fraser in 'Victoria's Secret'. 

Comments to kminx@hotmail.com