Do You Feel Loved, by Jo     

Rating: PG 
Warning: slash angst and content 
Pairings: Fraser/Kowalski 
Disclaimer: Alliance and Island Records, Inc. own both sets of boys and
their environments respectively. What'cha gonna do? 
Spoilers: none 
Summary: Third and final installment. Wishes just may come true after all.

Notes: That's it folks. It was good while it lasted, eh? (Yes, I AM
CANADIAN!) I had fun writing this tri-fiction, and I hope you were
somewhat elated from reading it. Once again, the title and lyrics evident
in the story are from U2. They will remain my gods and saviours, bringing
this fun into play. Any comments can be directed to go_bananak@yahoo.com.
They will be greatly appreciated. :) 

Do You Feel Loved 
By Jo (go_bananak@yahoo.com) 

I'm so anxious that I'm shaking. 

I'm inside and closing my office door, hardly before Dief has a chance to
follow me. I slump against the closed door, waiting for the feelings
washing over me to subside. A few ragged breaths and then I am close to
normal again. Well, as normal as I can be lately. 

I let myself slide down against the door until I'm crouched, grabbing my
knees. I can't do this any longer. Too hard. Too overwhelming. 

I'm up before I realize what I'm doing and I walk towards my desk. Ray has
left his Walkman there. It has been a few days, I'm sure he'd want it
back. Using that fact vainly as my excuse I rush back out, leaving a very
bewildered Dief staring after me. 

I stop as I finish locking the Consulate doors back up. The night has
cleared completely, and though it's crisp, it is also quite bearable. I
realize only now that I have left my Stetson inside, but instead of going
back for it I put the earphones to the Walkman on and press play. 

Familiar sounding music. The same throaty male voice. 

* Take these hands they're good for nothing 
You know these hands never worked a day 
Take these boots they're going nowhere 
You know these boots don't want to stray 
You got my head filled with songs 
You got my shoelaces undone 
Take my shirt, go on take it off me 
You can tear it up 
If you can tie me down 
Do you feel loved...* 

Now I'm running, madly, tearing down the streets in the direction of Ray's
apartment. I stop once to gain back my breath and I'm off again, now
pacing myself for the distance of the full-fledged sprint. I don't know
what I'm doing, but I can't stop. There's no way that I'm stopping now. 

*With my fingers as you want them 
With my nails under your hide 
With my teeth at your back 
And my tongue to tell you the sweetest lies 
Do you feel loved...* 

I want to tell the truth, what has been eating away at me for too long. I
keep myself from straying off the course, because at any moment I'm ready
to turn a different street, to deny what I have wanted for as long as I've
known him. 

I can't. It's too much. I must give him the choice. 

The Superintendent who has met me is there. Thank God for that, because I
would have bolted back home if I had to buzz Ray's apartment. I manage to
gasp out Ray's name and the woman lets me in. She must think it's an
emergency, knowing Ray's line of work. It is. I begin racing up the stairs
because the wait for the elevator is too long. I'm rounding Ray's floor
and his door is in sight. 

And this is where I stop. 

What am I doing? What am I hoping? I start to turn, but my hand stretches
out and grabs for the wall. 

I am this far. I am going to tell him. Somehow. 

Before I can change my mind, Ray's door opens and there he is, struggling
with a big garbage bag, and I'm there helping him before I realize it. 

"Frase! What the hell?" Ray exclaims, a smile stretching across his face.
"What-I mean, why are you- huh?" he stutters out, in that endearing Ray
way of his. 

"Hi Ray." I smile as well, and hold out his Walkman and earphones, hoping
that is a good enough reason. It isn't. 

"Frase... I could have got that tomorrow, why di'ja feel that you had to
bring it now? I mean, how did you get here?" 

"I ran." 

"You *ran*?" 

"Yes." 

Ray laughs. "Well, okay." Then his eyes widen and he looks at me. And it's
that sweet moment I have longed for. It's not threatening; he just calmly
looks at me as if I had just said something terribly important. I hold his
eyes, not wanting to let go, and finally brave enough to do so. My face
betrays me by blushing furiously. 

Ray is the first to break the silence. "You wanna... come in?" 

"Yes." 

"Now?" 

"Yes." My answers sound hurried, lustful. I'm once again about to turn and
run back through the hall, down the stairs and out of this building. I
know I would keep running, out of the city, out of my own life, but
something stops me now. 

That look in Ray's eyes that's anchoring me. Calming me, keeping me sane.
That look that's drawing me to him now. 

Physically, I'm standing still. Mentally I'm on him, all over him,
ravishing that slender body right in the hallway, because I want to so
much. I want to stop the pain so much and all I want from him is a nod, an
'okay take me Fraser', and I would and wouldn't stop until I physically
died. I can't take it. This unbearable want is driving me mad. 

"I'm just... gonna throw this out. Just, uh, make yerself comfy in there,
Frase." He's smiling again, and I swear it's a seductive one. I'm glad I
get to move because if I had to stand there any longer I would start to
visibly fidget. He keeps staring at me as I start inside, and finally he
turns and walks away. 

Inside and alone, I look around, breathing hard. Noting the limited time
frame, I rush to the bathroom and splash cool water on my face. As I look
at myself in the mirror, eyes wide and face flushed, it dawns on me that
it's time. It's time to tell him what I've wanted to tell him for so
impossibly long. I square up my shoulders. 

I've never been so sure of anything in my entire life. 

I hear the door to the hall close and I half-run from the bathroom to meet
him. He looks happy, and I have once more lost my place. 

"Frase, come have a seat." He sits down and pats the place next to him. I
am quick to comply. 

"There's something you want to tell me, isn't there?" His eyes are bearing
down on me. 

"Yes." 

And he's smiling again. So sweet and so achingly lovely. 

"What is it, Fraser?" 

"I was... well... on the way here I was listening to your tape." 

"Oh yeah, another U2 one, man, you're getting loads of them today, huh?" 

"Yes... loads... I..." And then I stop. No sound will come out. Ray's
smile starts to fade. I'm loosing my battle. I'm bottling everything
again, deep inside me and I lower my eyes. 

"Frase?" Ray leans a little closer. "What song were you listening to?" 

"What?" I breathe, head still lowered. 

"On the way here, what song?" 

"I don't know." 

"What was the chorus, what line was repeated?" 

I swallow thickly. "Do you feel loved?" It isn't anything more than a
whisper, but he hears it. He leans back and I have never felt so distant
from anyone in my entire life. Whole minutes go by, and the room becomes
too small, and I am losing myself, drowning in regret. This was not how I
had planned it. The moment has definitely passed. I should go. 

I stand up. "I should go." I say, mirroring my own thoughts, for once. 

"No." 

Ray said no. I look at him, and he hasn't moved, but he's staring at me.
Slowly, without a thought I am sitting down again and he moves towards me
and is so close I can hear his breathing and then closer until I can
almost *feel* his breathing and then he says so softly, so sweetly... 

"Stay." 

And my wishes are finally answered as my lover takes me into his powerful
arms, and makes me feel his love for the first time. I almost believe I'm
dreaming, but I know he is there, all around me, rubbing my back and my
neck and even kissing my lips. I have finally found my release and I kiss
back, my hands free to do whatever they please. And he is pulling me and
we are moving towards the bedroom and my beautiful Ray is smiling and
loving and we laugh together. It is the most beautiful feeling in the
world. I feel no pain, no longing. Only the sweet taste of my lover in my
mouth. After all this time, all this wishing, wanting and waiting... 

I have received my dreams... 

*And I feel loved.* 

The End