Disclaimer: Alliance owns Vecchio, Kowalski, Stella, Diefenbaker,
Fraser, Welsh, Huey and Dewey. Just using them for my own perverse
pleasure. 'Gave Up' and 'Suck' was written by Trent Reznor. 'Physical' was
written by Adam Ant. Title of the series comes from the song of the same
name by Sarah McLachlan. All used here without permission, no infringement
intended This started out as a short therapy story and then it became a
confession. THANK YOU to Eugenie, who has the patience of a saint. If it
weren't for her, I never would have gotten this far. ***WARNING: NC-17
(just to be safe) FOR MALE/MALE SEXUAL SITUATIONS, H/C, ANGST, and HARSH
LANGUAGE. IF YOU ARE UNDERAGE OR M/M SEX BOTHERS YOU: GO BACK, LEAVE NOW,
WALK ON, BUG OFF. Thank you kindly. **** Series: Path of Thorns Between
the Lines by Rae ******************** Perfect little dream the kind that
hurts the most forgot how it feels well almost no one to blame always the
same open my eyes wake up in flames -- from 'Gave Up' by Trent Reznor /
Ray Vecchio's back. Fraser's happy. He and Vecchio have been laughing and
joking around all week. I don't really know where that leaves me. I'm
happy that Fraser's happy, but other than that I'm......empty. Can't begin
to describe what this feels like. I went to lunch alone for the first time
in a long time. It was weird. I sat there and I looked around at all these
people. So many people. Wander why I never noticed before. Before, it was
just me and Fraser. A duet. Most of the time, we were the only two people
in the world. Now, I'm kind of.....I'm the only one left. I'm watching all
these people. I'm just an observer. Not a part of this life, I just tune
in to it like a television show. Can't turn it off when I want to, that's
the only problem. Detached, I guess, would be the word. Isolated. Ben was
my anchor. Without him, I'm pretty much floating. I can't tell him how I
feel. Don't want to. Don't want to be a pain in the ass. Stella always
said that was one of my biggest problems; I'm just too damn clingy.
Could've talked to Stella. Could have. But now she's sort of dating
Vecchio and I can't take my problems to her. I've got my own life back
now. That's a plus. I think. Truth is, I like Vecchio's life better. He's
got his mum and his sisters and his brother-in-law. I got my
folks.....well, not really 'cause they moved back to Arizona. I had
Fraser. Had. Vecchio's got Fraser. So I guess that just leaves me. Wow. It
really is lonely out here. Haven't felt this way since the divorce. Funny
thing is I've been here before, but I don't remember it hurting this much.
I'm a replacement for Ray Vecchio. Told myself that. Keep telling myself
that, but somehow I still resent the bastard for coming back and
reclaiming his life. I was getting comfortable. That is my own fault. I
dropped my guard. Should have been more careful. Maybe it's time to pack
up and leave. Get on with my life. I just wish Fraser would......./ 

 Constable Benton Fraser slowly closed the journal. /If I would what? /,
he thought, /Why didn't he finish? / He turned and looked at the man who
was dozing fitfully on the couch. Detective Ray Kowalski was stretched out
at an odd angle, with one foot up on a throw pillow, the other hanging
just above the ground. He cradled an empty bottle Johnnie Walker in his
arm as if it were a stuffed toy. Ben sighed and ran his fingers through
his dark hair. He had had no idea that his partner felt this way. He had
taken note that Ray seemed aloof from him lately, slipping out for lunch
without a word and leaving work in much the same manner, without bothering
to say goodnight. In all the excitement he'd neglected to pursue the
matter. Until now. And 'now', somehow, felt too late. He shouldn't have
read the journal, that much he knew. It had been lying open on the table
when he arrived and he'd seen his name. The temptation was too great. Part
of him was glad he had read it. At least now he knew what was going on in
Ray's head. The blond would never have come to him on his own. 

 Ben went to where his partner slept and squatted beside the couch. He
pulled the bottle from Kowalski's unresisting grasp and set it aside. The
detective mumbled softly, but then settled again. Fraser gripped his
shoulder and shook him gently. "Ray. Ray. Ray." The American awoke with a
start, pulling away from the Mountie. "Ray! It's me." Still somewhat
disoriented, it took a moment for recognition to replace the confusion in
the detective's glacier blue eyes. He relaxed finally, lithe body
uncurling from the defensive posture it had taken on, but he maintained
distance from his friend's hands. "Whadaya doing here, Frase?", he asked.
The bitter tone in his partner's voice stung the Mountie deeper than he
would let the other man see. "Lieutenant Welsh asked me to check on you.
You didn't show up for work. He tried your home and cell phone to no
avail." Ray's eyes widened. He reached out to pull his watch from his coat
pocket. "Oh, shit! I gotta get down there." He tried to get up, but was
pushed down by the Canadian. "Fraser!", he yelped, falling back. "You're
in no condition to go to the precinct today. You're still disoriented from
your recent alcohol consumption and--" "I can't call in drunk!", the blond
snapped. "Now, lemme up!" Ben kept his hand pressed firmly against the
detective's chest as he struggled. "Ray! I am not going to let you go."
Kowalski ceased fighting then and slumped in his seat, breathing hard. It
alarmed Ben at how quickly the usually energetic blond tired without so
much of a fight. He squatted in front of his partner and placed his hand
on Ray's knee. "I haven't seen much of you lately.", he said. The blond
shrugged. "Been busy. Working." "I see." "You see." He scoffed. "Anyway,
with Vecchio being back, I figured you didn't want me tagging along. Felt
like a fifth wheel." Fraser frowned. "You are not a fifth wheel. I find
your company very pleasant. And I have missed it." Ray turned his head,
muttering something that sounded like, 'could've fooled me.' "I beg your
pardon?", Ben asked. "Nothin'." Kowalski's brow furrowed. "You know what's
funny? I thought I left that journal open." Fraser followed his friend's
gaze to the table where the book lay. He sighed, "I have a confession to
make, Ray." Without warning, the detective pushed him away and stood up
unsteadily. "I'll bet you do.", he muttered, moving away from Fraser
ungracefully. He nearly stumbled once and Ben reached out his hand, taking
a step toward his friend. Ray caught his balance and made a gesture that
warned the Mountie to stay away. "Don't need your help.", he growled. Ben
could see his partner's dangerous temper being to awaken. "I don't think
you understand, Ray--" "Yer not a fifth wheel, Ray.", he mimicked
sarcastically, "I find yer company *pleasant.* " He spat the last word.
Fraser sighed. "Ray--" "I do not need yer fucking sympathy, you
condescending son of a bitch.", he snapped viciously. Ben watched quietly
as his partner stalked into the kitchen and opened up another Johnnie
Walker. He watched quietly as Ray locked his lips to the bottle and threw
his head back, swallowing gulp after gulp. "What is this going to solve?",
he asked gently, careful to keep his voice neutral. The American slammed
the bottle back on the counter. "It solves everything!", he replied, voice
rasping. "Get the hell out of my apartment. It's the only thing I have
left that is still mine." Fraser saw the tears beginning to rise. He felt
the sting of tears behind his own eyes. He needed this man so badly. He
wanted to speak, but was at a loss for words. The situation was....
dangerous. Trying to reason with Ray in this state was like walking
through a minefield. A wrong word and he could loose what little faith Ray
had left in him as a friend. But his silence was not helping either. If
anything, it was widening the gulf already between them. "I'm sorry.", he
whispered. Ray stared at him blankly. "Assignment's over, 'kay? You don't
have to be nice anymore." "You are my friend and my partner." "No. Vecchio
is your friend and partner. I'm just.......I am exactly what I've always
been, just a replacement. Some things never change." "I did not tell you
that I enjoyed your company because I was trying to make you happy, Ray.",
he responded sternly. "You know how I feel about flattery. It is cheap and
undignified. I told you I enjoyed your company, because it is true. These
past few days, I have missed our conversations and the sound of your
voice." Kowalski glared at him as steadily as he could manage through his
alcoholic haze. "You missed Vecchio." It was not a question. The Mountie
nodded. "You're right. I did. He is my friend, but so are you." "I wish I
could believe you, buddy." The detective's tough facade was beginning to
show deep cracks. "Why can't you, Ray?" Kowalski looked down, his face
flushing. "Because.....I can't be..." He took a shaky breath. "I can't be
thrown away again, Frase." Ben walked into the kitchen. As he neared
Kowalski, the blond backed away. He got no further than four steps and he
was cornered. Ben took his friend's face in his hands. "Look at me.", he
whispered. The blond blinked twice, but his eyes remained downcast. "Ray,
look at me.", Ben said again, more firmly. Ray raised his gaze slowly
until it was locked to Fraser's. "I missed Ray Vecchio and I'm very happy
to see him again. But I have neglected *our* friendship and for that I
have no excuse. You are my partner and you're my friend. Nothing will ever
change how I feel about you. Do you understand?" A thin smile appeared on
Ray's lips. "Yeah." He sounded relieved, though not completely convinced.
Ben frowned suddenly, remembering. "Why didn't you come to me?", he asked.
His partner blinked, apparently caught offguard. "I, uh, dunno. Didn't
want to be a pest. You seemed so happy with Vecchio. I didn't want to be a
burden.", he replied, choking slightly on his words. In his own ears, he
sounded childish and petty. Fraser, on the hand, seemed genuinely
concerned about Ray's line of thinking. "You could never be a burden to
me. I need to know when you are hurt, Ray." He gestured to the bottle.
"Please don't do this again. I couldn't bear it if anything happened to
you." The smile on Kowalski's lips grew, brightening his weary features.
Ray closed his eyes as Fraser brushed his tears away. He found comfort in
the feel of the Mountie's hands, the tenderness with which they caressed
him. He took a step forward, pressing into the touch. This gesture of
trust was heartbreaking to Ben and he wanted now, more than ever to
protect him from the outside world. Fraser pulled the American to him and
wrapped his arms tightly around the smaller man. Ray's arms moved to
encircle his partner's waist, fingers curling into his tunic. Though he
dared not say it, Ben was terrified for his Ray. The street tough exterior
that the detective hid behind was paper-thin. In their time together
Fraser had seen that wall crumble more than once. Behind it, Ray was
innocent, frail. The slightest act of cruelty could shatter him. Ben held
Ray until the feeling of terror subsided and then he kissed his partner's
forehead lovingly. This sent a shiver through both men, which raised the
hairs on the back of their necks. Ray tilted his head up slightly. He
could feel the heat of Ben's breath against his lips. Fraser stroked his
partner's cheek. "Ray..." Their lips brushed, but then parted before they
could seal in a kiss. Again, brush and part. Fraser swallowed. He could
hear, he could feel the pounding of Ray's heart and felt that same beat
echoed within his own chest. He ran his thumb over his partner's quivering
lower lip, but still the American's eyes remained closed. Trembling Ben
pressed his lips to his friend's. Kowalski's mouth opened beneath his.
Gentle. Tender. Soft. Need for air finally separated them. Ray's eyes
opened slowly and meeting Ben adores gaze, he smiled. This simple gesture
set off a bright spark of emotion inside the Mountie, touched a place deep
down. He sighed happily as his partner settled against him, nuzzling his
jaw. "Frase?" Ray tilted his head slightly. Flames, flames, flames. Ben's
body was on fire, the heating rising within him. He knew what Ray was
asking and wanted it. /Why did I wait so long? How could I not have
realized? I want Ray in every way a human being can have another. Heart,
body, soul. / His eyes must have betrayed his desire, because suddenly the
detective was kissing him again. At some point Ben's body must have gone
into autopilot, because when his brain finally caught up, he was lying on
the bed. Ray straddled him, running his hands up and down the Mountie's
still clothed chest. "Ray...", Fraser murmured. The American smiled. "Tell
me what you want, Ben.", he whispered. Fraser licked his lips, trying to
think. The heat of Ray's body, the weight of him, was overwhelming. "Show
me yourself.", he managed. In his own ears it made no sense, but his
partner understood. Kowalski pulled his shirt over his head, displaying
his slender body for his soon-to-be lover's eyes. Ben moaned. Again his
body picked up where the mind left off and he wrapped his arms around the
detective's waist and pulled him down onto the bed. 

 Ray awoke sluggishly, his slender body arching up. He could feel the
Mountie's eyes on him and so he made a great show of stretching his aching
muscles. It was Fraser's fault that everything ached, but Kowalski wasn't
really complaining. It was a good ache. A terrific ache. He felt like a
virgin, experiencing the wonders of sex for the first time. He'd never
felt this with anyone else, not even Stella. With Fraser it was.... Their
lovemaking had been incredible, intensified by the strength of their
emotional bond. This was love. This was love. He was still working the
kinks out of his stiff muscles when a voice, husky with sleep asked, "Are
you teasing me, Ray?" Kowalski looked up his shoulder, grinning broadly.
"No. What makes you think that?" The bed creaked as Ben reached out,
wrapped one arm around Ray's waist and yanked him down in mid-stretch.
"Hey! What gives?", Kowalski demanded, doing his very best to sound
annoyed, though his eyes were laughing. "You look like a cat.", Ben
murmured softly. The Mountie's hot breath against his ear made Ray
shudder. "Rub my belly?", he asked seductively. Fraser smiled, pulling the
smaller man against him. Kowalski moaned loudly at the feel of the
Canadian's broad, warm, smooth chest pressed to his back. Fraser's hand
slid up over his partner's narrow hip. His fingers traced a pattern over
Ray's flat belly and then began to rub it in circles. This simple action
caused fireworks to go off in the American's groin. He groaned loudly,
muttering something that was completely incoherent to him, but that Ben
seemed to recognize. He pushed back against his Mountie, pressing his
backside against Fraser's erection in a wordless plea. Fraser growled low
in his throat, a sound so primal that it sent a shiver through Ray. Ben
rose, shifting his weight, so he could turn Ray on his stomach and stretch
over the smaller man. The blond sighed happily and closed his eyes as he
felt his lover's weight settle over him. / Lover. Hmmm, that sounds nice,
like that. I could get used to--- Mmmm. T-that's....oh, man, Fraser. /
"Ben.", he moaned. The Mountie's hand found his, Fraser's long fingers
sliding between his own. Kowalski felt the hot silk of his lover's tongue
on the back of his neck, heard Ben whisper, "I love you. I love you.
Promise me you will never leave or do anything to harm yourself. Promise
me." "Never, Frase. Never. I promise.", he replied. He heard the Mountie
sigh happily. Ray began to speak again, but his words were lost in a
choked sob as Ben began to move. God, this was love. 

 Week after week passed in this manner. Ben had never thought such joy
could exist. He rarely slept at the Consulate anymore. Most every night
was spent with Ray. And most every day was spent thinking of him when they
were not together. Sometimes just these thoughts would raise the heat in
his cheeks. Kowalski rarely helped matters. Brushing against Ben as they
passed in the squad room, making obscene gestures when no one else was
paying attention. Everything the man did, his every tiny gesture
captivated and aroused the Mountie. His Ray. There were times when these
feelings frightened him. He had not thought it possible to love a person
with such intensity. He worried about Ray all the time. Even when he was
working a case with Ray Vecchio, he worried about what his lover was
doing, if he was safe, if he was being careful. He worried until it drove
him to distraction, until he was yanked back into the here and now by an
exasperated Italian. 

 Ben could never speak to Ray Vecchio about his relationship with Ray
Kowalski and this was hurtful. His every attempt to bring the two men
together, if not as friends then at least as allies, had failed. They both
remained vehemently opposed to any kind of peace settlement. Neither ego
would allow it. So he went back and forth between the two. Vecchio's
patience was wearing thin, however. The Italian knew there was something
going on and he continually badgered his friend about it. Ben wanted so
badly to share with his new found happiness with his first partner, but it
was impossible. 

 Ray Kowalski was in love. Terrific feeling. An incredible high that no
drug could ever copy. Better than it had been with Stella. Everything with
Ben was better than it had been with Stella. He walked around with
butterflies and bunny rabbits jumping around in his stomach. Nervous,
jittery. But it was good nervous. A good jittery.
==========================================================================
=== 

 Almost quittin' time. Ray Kowalski grinned and sat back in his chair. He
glanced across the squad room where his lover stood, conversing with Ray
Vecchio. Hmm. Loved the way those riding pants curved a perfect line
down.....Oh, hell. He shook his head. Not right now. The detective sighed
deeply and glanced at the clock. Twenty minutes. Felt like a goddamn
eternity. He turned his head back to the Mountie and an idea sprang to
mind. Ray reached for a piece of paper and a pen. He scribbled for a few
minutes and then quickly read over what he had written. With a mischievous
grin, he tucked the paper into a file and called to his lover. "Hey,
Frase. Need ya to look at somethin' for me.", he said as he walked toward
the Mountie. Ben quickly finished up his discussion with Vecchio and met
Stan half way. "What is it, Ray?" Kowalski flipped open the file and held
it out, angling it in such a manner that only Fraser could see it. The
blond waited patiently as Ben read. The telltale blush began to rise,
reddening the Mountie's face and the tips of his ears. Ray grinned.
"Whadaya think?" Fraser swallowed and tugged nervously at the collar of
his tunic. "I think you have a talent for writing erotica, Ray.", he said
quietly. The detective pretended to be insulted. "Erotica? This is down
and dirty porn, Ben." Fraser gave him a disapproving glance. "That's
hardly something to take pride in.", he chastised. Kowalski scoffed. "Oh.
So I guess you wouldn't be interested in getting the, uh, animated version
of this." Again the Mountie tugged at his collar. "I didn't say that.", he
replied, somewhat hoarsely. Ray's grin grew even wider. "Read the last
line and I might forgive you.", he said. Fraser's eyes widened and his
face was now a beet-root red. "Ray," he said making a helpless gesture to
the squadroom around him, "this is hardly the time or the place." "Look,
being a Boy Scout with get you plenty of cookies, but it won't you any
nookie. Read it." "Ray, please--" "Fraser! Read. It." Taking a shaky
breath, Ben looked down at the last line. "I want to feel you inside me.
Fuck me.", he whispered quickly. Ray bit his lip to keep from laughing.
"Can't hear you." The Mountie glanced around desperately. "Ray..." "Can't
hear you.", the detective responded in a singsong voice. Fraser sighed. "I
want to feel you inside me. Fuck me.", he read again, his voice noticeably
husky. Ray closed the folder. "Gladly. Now, was that so hard?" Ben's eyes
narrowed. "You will be punished for that." Ray smiled flirtatiously. "I
should hope so.", he replied as he walked away. 

 Fraser swallowed slowly as he watched his lover go. Something in that
step. He brushed the back of his hand over the tiny beads of sweat that
had formed at his hairline. "Benny!" He turned to see Ray Vecchio walking
toward him. "Yes, Ray." The Italian nodded his head in Kowalski's
direction. "What did *Stan* want?" Ben shook his head. "Just help on a
case." Vecchio's eyes narrowed. "Really? What case?" That seemed to catch
the Mountie offguard. "Um...uh, a pickpocket.", he replied, going with the
first thing that came to mind and kicking himself for it as soon as it
left his lips. Vecchio's expression was priceless. "A pickpocket?", he
asked incredulously. "Yes.", Ben replied. The detective rolled his eyes.
"Sure, Fraser." He tapped the file he was holding across his arm.
"Tomorrow, I know you've got work, but you wanna get dinner afterward?"
Ben tilted his head. Work? No, he had tomorrow off. Who had told Vecchio
that he had to work? It--Oh. He smiled to himself. Ray. His Ray. "Sure,
Ray.", he replied, "Dinner would be great." Vecchio grinned. "O.k. How
about Gabrielle's at seven o'clock? Unless you got some other place in
mind." Fraser shook his head. "No, Gabrielle's is fine." "Good." He
sighed, glancing at his watch. "Time to head home. You need a ride or..."
"No, thank you. Ray is giving me a ride." Vecchio raised an eyebrow.
"*Stan*?" Ben nodded. "Stan." The Italian grinned. "Alright then. I'll see
you tomorrow." "Good night, Ray." Vecchio patted him heartily on the back.
"Night, Benny."
==================================================================== 

 "Ohhh, God. How many times was that?", Ray Kowalski gasped, stripping the
bed sheet from his sweat drenched body. "I lost count.", Ben murmured.
"You know, I think Diefenbaker has better control over his sexual urges
than we do." Ray chuckled, snuggling close to his lover. "Hmmm. Don't have
to be so harsh. We haven't had sex since..." "Last night?", Ben
interjected. Ray grinned sleepily. "That's a long time." He shifted
slightly, rubbing his thigh along Ben's. "Too long." Fraser slipped his
arm around the detective and nuzzled the other man's forehead. He enjoyed
this smell. Sex and sweat. There was something wild and primal about it.
He stroked the side of the blond's cheek, ran his thumb gently over his
lower lip. "Ray?", Ben asked suddenly, "Did you tell Ray Vecchio that I
had to work today?" Though his eyes were closed, a smile grew on
Kowalski's lips. "Yup. Figured that way you and me could have some
privacy." Ben ruffled his lover's matted hair "It was a thoughtful
gesture, but--" "Wasn't thoughtful. Completely selfish, actually. I wanted
you all to myself." "I am flattered, but I do not like lying to Ray
Vecchio." He felt Kowalski's body tense. "And I don't like talkin' about
that arrogant bastard after having incredible sex. It just ruins the
mood.", the detective growled. This response caused Ben to burst into a
fit of laughter. Ray glared at his partner in disbelief. "What the hell is
so damn funny?!", he demanded. Fraser was gasping for breath. "You are.",
he managed. More irate than ever, Ray started to pull away, but the
Mountie held him fast. He took hold the American's arms, pinning him to
the mattress. "I love so very much.", he whispered, kissing the detective
passionately. "Why? Cause you can laugh at me?", Kowalski asked with as
much anger as he could manage. "Yes.", Ben replied honestly. The man
beneath him made a face. "I don't like you." The Mountie attempted to keep
a straight face. "Mmmm. How can I earn back your love?" "Didn't say I
didn't like you, just don't like you." "Ah. I see. Well, what can I do to
make you like me again?" Ray thought for a moment. "You can let me make
you breakfast." Fraser rolled off his partner. "Agreed." 

 * 

 Ben smiled as he watched Ray move around the kitchen. When the music was
on, it seemed that Kowalski lost himself is an entirely different world.
The detective turned now and stopped awkwardly in mid-step as he met his
friend's eyes. "What?", he asked. The Mountie moved toward him, lovingly
brushing a stray eyelash from beneath his eye. "You are so beautiful.",
Ben murmured. His lover blushed. "That's funny coming from you.", he
replied softly. Fraser moved toward Ray and wrapped his arms around the
smaller man. Ray sighed, nuzzling his partner's neck. "I'm afraid for
you.", the Canadian murmured suddenly. It was nothing something he had
meant to say; it had simply come out. It was now out in the open and
somehow that made Fraser uneasy. He couldn't see Ray's face and that made
it impossible to know what the other man was thinking. "Why, Ben?",
Kowalski whispered. He ran his fingers through his lover's soft blond
hair. "I am afraid of loosing you.", he replied. Ray drew away, looking at
him intently. "I'm not going anywhere." Ben caressed his partner's cheek.
"I know." He kissed the top of Ray's head. "Back to bed?" Kowalski grinned
and backed up, tugging at the Mountie's robe. "Uh-huh." 

 * 

 Ben woke feeling wonderfully slothful. He turned his head and felt the
soft spikes of lover's hair brush his chin. Ray slumbered peacefully, his
head pillowed on the Mountie's chest. He ran his fingers lightly up and
down the length of the American's back as he reached over to take his
watch from the nightstand. He gasped when he saw the time. 7:02pm. "Oh,
dear.", he murmured, softly. He was supposed to meet Ray Vecchio for
dinner at seven. Ben sighed, he would have been happy to lie here with his
Ray. Forever. Ben pulled himself from the bed, taking special care not to
disturb his partner. Kowalski whined at the loss, but did not wake. 

 Fraser dressed quietly and left a note for his lover on the pillow. Then
he went out to meet with Ray Vecchio. 

 * 

 Ray Vecchio didn't like Stanley Kowalski and Stanley Kowalski didn't like
Ray Vecchio. No pretense there. But that was the workplace; one can't like
everyone they work with. Normally, Vecchio would have just stayed clear of
Kowalski and that would be that. But this hate/hate relationship had one
major complication. And that complication was walking toward Vecchio with
an appropriately embarrassed look on his angelic face. Constable Benton
Fraser. One very big complication. Kowalski was a bad influence on the
Mountie, of that much Ray was certain. The man was a live wire.
Unpredictable, immature and generally a lousy cop. He didn't quite like
the idea of Ben still hanging around the skinny little blond and this
feeling was further rooted as Fraser settled into the booth in front of
him. "Hello, Ray." Vecchio frowned. "You're late.", he said. Ben smiled
apologetically. "Yes. I apologize. I had....some business to attend to."
Ray raised an eyebrow. "With Kowalski?", he guessed. Fraser nodded. "Yes."
"You ready to order?" Both men looked up at the sliver-haired waitress who
stood before them. "Yeah. Gimme a chicken sandwich and a large Coke.
Benny?" Fraser smiled politely at the waitress. "I'll have the salad." The
older woman scribbled down the orders and made it a point to flash the
Mountie a 'come hither' smile before she left. Ray watched this with
amusement. "You still got it, Benny.", he said. Fraser looked at him with
some confusion. "Got what?" Vecchio started to explain, but then thought
better of it. "Nevermind.", he replied. He wanted to question Ben on this
Kowalski matter, but it seemed trivial now. He had his friend here and
that was all that mattered. 

 * 

 "Ray, could you drop me off at Ray--uh, Stan's apartment?" Vecchio
glanced at the clock in his car. 10:22pm. "Now?", he asked his passenger.
The surprise in his voice was poorly veiled. Ben nodded patiently. "Yes.
Is that all right? It *is* closer than the Consulate." "W-well, yeah.
B-but...", he stammered. The Mountie tilted his head ever so slightly.
"But, what, Ray?" Vecchio slumped in the driver's seat. "Nothing." He
glanced at his friend and forced a smile for the other man's benefit.
"Sure, Benny." Fraser smiled warmly. "Thank you, Ray." The remainder of
the trip was consumed in uncomfortable silence. 

 * 

 Ray Vecchio grinded his teeth as he watched Ben walk into the entrance of
Kowalski's apartment. He couldn't even fathom what the two could possibly
be doing at this hour. As he pulled into traffic he began aware that he
was gripping the steering wheel with enough force, that his knuckles had
turned white. He didn't have alot of friends, alot of people he could
trust. There was his family, of course, but outside of that, all he really
had was Benny. /And I'm loosing Benny. I'm loosing my best friend to my
own fucking replacement. I'm loosing Benny to a scrawny, little punk
rocker looking...ugh, geek. Moron. Twit. / There wasn't even a word to
describe the little fuckhead. /Mountie's holding out on me, I know that.
There was a time when I was the only thing he had in this godforsaken
city. Now he looks at me like I'm a stranger. He can't even talk to me. /
Ray sighed deeply and bit back the sting behind his eyes. He felt himself
flush. This was embarrassing. He felt like a small child whose best buddy
in the whole wide universe had found a new playmate. Ridiculous. /Grow up,
Ray. If it bothers me this much, then I'll go to talk to him myself. The
world does not begin and end with Stanley fucking Kowalski. / 

 * 

 He was closer to home than he realized, less than a block away, when he
noticed Fraser's Stetson on the dashboard. One part of him thought it more
practical to give it to Ben tomorrow morning, but a nagging voice made him
turn the car around and head back to Kowalski's apartment. He'd give the
Mountie back his hat and put all the cards on the table while he was at
it. If he couldn't come clean to his best friend then who the hell could
be come clean to? 

 * 

 Music played inside the apartment, something that sounded very much like
glam rock. /How does Benny stand this guy? / Ray sighed and raised his
hand to knock on the door, but then stopped. There was another
sound.....Moaning, gasping. He knew that sound well. It was universal. The
language of passion, sex. He placed his palms flat against the door and
leaned in, to press his ear to the wood. *... want your roughhouse
baby...* A guttural moan. *... want this right in your ear....* Kowalski's
voice, but huskier and far more open, unguarded. "God, Frase. Please."
Almost a sob. *...You let me feel your danger...* Ray lifted his head from
the door. His curiosity had gotten the better of him. He wanted to, he
*needed* to know exactly what was going on. He needed to know this was not
some figment of a demented imagination. He reached for the knob and
twisted slowly. Unlocked. Unbelievable. /Guess some of Fraser rubbed off
on Kowalski. /, Ray thought as he opened the door just enough to see in.
*...I want the touch of your charms...* Stan was sitting against the
couch, his body arched, his head thrown back, eyes closed, Adam's apple
bobbing in his throat as he swallowed. *...The heat of your breath...* His
legs were spread and a pale hands gripped his thigh. Stan's own hands were
flexing, his fingers curling and uncurling into the sable locks of
Fraser's hair as the Mountie's mouth moved up and down over the
blond's....oh, man. *...I wanna say all those things..* Ray turned away,
feeling violently ill. *...That would be better unsaid....* He shut the
door as quietly as possible and ran. 

 He barely made it out to the sidewalk, before he vomited the remnants of
his chicken sandwich. Fraser and Kowalski? There was no way. No way.
Fraser was a good guy, straight as an arrow. There was no way Benny, his
Benny, was a cocksucker. No. Ray shook his head. Kowalski, maybe. The
little rat looked like a punk, but not the Mountie. Vecchio leaned heavily
against his car, drawing cold breaths into his burning lungs. This was all
Kowalski's doing. Of that much, he was certain. He lured Ben off the
straight and narrow, turned him into some goddamn.....Vecchio scrowled. He
couldn't even think of a word. What was there to describe what he just
seen? There was no simple way. Christ, he'd walked in on his Canadian
partner going down on a Chicago flatfoot like a 10-dollar whore. It was a
sin, pure and simple. /Son of a bitch. / 

 =========================================================================


 "Mmmmm. Too early.", Ray Kowalski mumbled as Ben rubbed his belly in
circles. "You have to go to work. I have to go to work. We have to get up,
Ray.", the Mountie replied, in his most practical tone. The detective
groaned and opened his eyes. "Why? Can't we just call in sick or
somethin'?" Fraser shook his head. "I don't think so." Taking the
initiative, Ben rolled out of bed and yanked the covers off Kowalski.
"Pitter-patter.", he said, mimicking his lover's favored phrase. Ray
laughed. "Let's get at 'er?", he finished. The Canadian nodded and bent
down to brush his lips over Ray's. "Yes. " By some act of God, the
exhausted detective managed to pull himself from the bed and follow his
naked Mountie into the bathroom. 

 * 

 They were still tangled up in each other and kissing fervently as Ray
helped Ben button his tunic. "I'm going to be late." Fraser's plea was
muffled against his lover's mouth, but he couldn't seem to tear himself
away. Kowalski only grinned and nipped at Fraser 's lower lip. He pressed
against Ben until the Mountie was backed against the kitchen counter, with
no place to go. The hands that had started buttoning the tunic were now
retracing their steps and unbuttoning them. Laughing, Ben caught Ray's
hands and held them. "Ray." The detective looked at him with desire glazed
eyes. "Hmmm?" "If we want to remain employed it is imperative that we go
to work." It took a moment for the seriousness in Ben's eyes to reach his
lover. "Fine.", Ray replied with a pout, "But you're not gonna have a
whole lotta fun standing guard duty with, um, boner in your pants." The
Mountie frowned, rebuttoning his tunic. "I can control my urges, Ray." "Or
you could let me help you with it.", the detective suggested gleefully.
Before Fraser could respond, the blond had dropped to his knees before him
and opened his riding pants. 

 In the end, they were both late for work. 

 * 

 End of the day. Thank you, God. Ray Kowalski raked his fingers through
his blond spikes. Long day. Really, long day. Two drug busts and one
assault. /Christ, I have to get outta this city. Maybe go up to the Yukon
Territories with Frase./ That thought brought a smile to his lips. He
could hear Ben's voice in his head reminding him that it was the Yukon or
the Northwest Territories. He had showered and changed here, since Fraser
had gotten dibs on the apartment tonight. He glanced at the clock. 8:35pm.
Ben wanted him at the apartment at nine. No earlier. Something about a
'special' dinner. /Cool. Love surprises. / The detective pulled on a clean
shirt and tossed the dirty one back into his locker. His hand was hardly
out of the locker when the door began to close. Kowalski backed away
startled, as his locker door suddenly slammed shut. Ray Vecchio stood
before him, hand pressed firmly against Stan's locker. His head was
slightly bowed, lips twisted into a scowl and fire dancing in his eyes.
Kowalski looked over the other man with mild annoyance. "You wanna move
Vecchio?", he asked calmly, "I wasn't done." "Oh, you're done.", the
Italian snapped. The blond sighed and folded his arms over his chest.
"O.k. What's your problem?", he asked with the same tone he would use on a
spoiled child. "I want to stay the hell away from the Mountie." "What?"
"You heard me, you fucking queer. Stay away from Fraser." Stan's eyes
widened slightly and Vecchio continued. "You lured him into your dirty
fucking faggot lifestyle, you fucking snake." The blond's jaw tightened,
but he was determined not to loose his temper. "I don't think you have all
your facts straight, Vecchio, so maybe you should back off.", he replied,
but his voice was weak. "He doesn't like you, Kowalski. Think about that.
He just doesn't want to hurt you, he doesn't want you to leave. That's all
it is. He's just *fucking* you, so you don't go off and commit suicide or
something. He's trying to save himself the guilt. You're nothing but a
charity case to him." Stan swallowed slowly, those words twisting inside
him like a blade. Of course. Vecchio was a bastard, but he spoke the
truth. Stan hadn't seen it until now. Of course. This had all begun after
Ben read his journal, found him passed out drunk on the couch. Of course.
God, he was just.....why hadn't he seen it before? He bit the inside of
his cheek to prevent tears, but felt the sting behind his eyes. No way in
hell was he going to breakdown in front of Ray. He bit down harder and
drew blood. Still the tears rose and he leaned his forehead against the
locker. Vecchio scoffed. "You're fucking pathetic.", he said softly. "Just
stay away from Benny." And then he was gone and Stan was alone. 

 * 

 10: 52pm. Where was Ray? Ben sighed and drummed his fingers on the arm
rest of Kowalski's couch. He had told Ray nine, hadn't he? It was unlike
the blond to be so late. His eyes moved between the clock and telephone.
*Where is he?* 

 * 

 Ray looked at his watch. 10:54pm. He was thinking he was supposed to be
somewhere, but damned if he could remember where. Couldn't have
been..too...important. Couldn't really think....'bout
that.....right.....now. After one full bottle of Bacardi and half a bottle
of Chivas, Ray Kowalski's brain was having a good deal of trouble trying
to put a rational thought together. "Hey." Ray motioned to the bartender.
"Where is this?" The large man's brow knitted in confusion. "I beg yer
pardon?" Ray inhaled deeply and tried to clear his blurred vision. "Where
am I?", he asked again. Now the bartender frowned. "Just outside Gary.",
he replied. Kowalski blinked. "Where the hell is Gary?" Now the man rolled
his eyes. "Michigan.", he replied, taking hold of Ray's Chivas bottle.
"And I'd say you've hit your limit, blondie." Ray managed a crooked smile
and nodded. "Yeah. Well, then I'll just be on my way." He started to take
his keys from the bar, but the bartender gripped his wrist tightly and
pulled the keys away. "I don't think so.", he said sternly. "Hey, man--",
the blond began. "Don't start with me, young fella. There's a motel around
back. Check yerself in and sleep it off." Ray scowled as the bartender
turned away. He watched the man drop his keys into a pickle jar behind a
Miller Lite sign. Kowalski growled, trying hard to think. /Michigan? Well
now, this isn't Kansas anymore. / As he stared into the empty glass in
front of him, he wondered why he wasn't getting drunk at home. *Why the
fuck did I drive out to Gary to get a drink? Couldn't have been a good
thing. I can't remember, suppose that's a good thing. / He rubbed his
hands over his face. /Christ, I don't even know what I'm running away
from. / He sighed and slid off the barstool. Maybe it was about time to
call it a night. /Don't wanna sleep in a roach motel. Wanna go home. Maybe
I should call Frase--/ That stopped him. He swayed slightly, realization
creeping up on him slowly. "Oh.", he muttered to himself. "Fuckin' charity
case. Forgot." He felt the sting of tears behind his eyes, he bit his lip
and forced them back. He sniffed quietly. / 'Kay. Now what? / Ray patted
his jacket. /Need my keys. Need my keys. What the hell did I--Oh. / His
eyes moved in direction on the Miller Lite sign. The bartender was in deep
discussion with an equally large truck driver at the other end of the bar.
Ray saw the opportunity and took it. 

 Safely outside, keys dangling from his right hand, he leaned against the
wall to take a breath of air and regain his balance. Abit shaky, but no
big deal. Ray rubbed his eyes. If his vision would just clear.... Ugh. He
staggered slowly to his car, which was parked, between two large Mack
trucks. /Funny. I don't remember those being there. Oh, well. / 

 Once inside the GTO, it took some time to find all the controls. He
started the car, put her in reverse, but what was he forgetting? /Oh, fuck
me. The lights. Now where the hell did the lights go? Hmm./ The radio was
on, blasting really. It made his head ache, but it felt good. Needed that.
Cleared his head alittle. "--leaving you with 'Suck' from Nine Inch
Nails.", the DJ signed off as the song began *.... there is no god up in
the sky tonight...* Ray was still fiddling with the controls, trying to
find his lights. *...no sign of heaven anywhere in sight..* Finally
locating them, he turned on the high beams and moved his foot from the
brake, stomping down on accelerator. *....all that was true is left
behind...* The GTO flew backwards into the road. *...once I could see now
I am blind...* It was a split second. Ray never got the chance to realize
what a grievous error he had made. *...don't want your dreams you try to
sell...* Bright lights, blinded him before everything disappeared in an
explosion of light and heat. *....this disease I give to myself...* 

 *... how does it feel...* Lights flickered on and off before Ray's eyes.
There was the sharp hiss of steam escaping from somewhere. *...she makes
it sweeter than the sun...* The radio was still on. That song was still
playing. *....I get too tight I come undone...* He tried to make a fist.
His hand was slick, wet. He rolled the moisture between his fingers,
wandering what it was. *....I bow my head to confess...* He tried to raise
his head, but it hurt. Oh, Christ, it hurt. *....the temple walls are made
of flesh...* He moved his other hand, felt broken glass in his palm.
*....runs up my arms 'til I'm on track...* He could hear voices faintly.
Maybe they were talking to him, he wasn't sure. *...itches my skin right
off of my back...* Ray closed his eyes, licking his lips. Weird. Coppery
taste. Blood. That thought made him chuckle weakly. *....I'll heal your
wounds...* His chest felt heavy. Jeez, really heavy. He tried to take a
deep breath, but found it difficult. *...I'll set you free...* Felt dizzy.
Really dizzy. Smelled gas. Was something burning? *....I'm Jesus Christ on
Ecstasy....* He felt a warm hand on his forehead. Someone was talking to
him. *....How does it feel...* Someone telling him that they were here to
help. *...How does it feel...* Someone telling him to stay calm. *...I am
so dirty on the inside....* Someone telling him that everything would be
fine. *...I am so dirty on the inside...* He'd stopped believing that a
long time ago.