The Basement Of The Soul Hi! I've written a rather lengthy story called IN THE BASEMENT OF THE SOUL I wrote this story to help fill in Ray's past. One of my all time favorite DUE SOUTH episodes is THE DEAL. I remember watching it last season and wanting to know more about Ray's childhood and reason(s) for his becoming a cop and why he's hiding his generous, loyal, good-heart behind all that sarcasm and cynicism. We've been given teasers into his past, introduced to some of his family and given some information about his relationship with his father through a few episodes. - In the pilot episode he tells Fraser something like "... if it was my old man, I'd be the last person he'd want on the case. He pretty much thought I'd screwed up everything I ever touched. Ya know he's been dead for 5 years and I still feel like I'm trying to prove myself to him." - In the Pilot episode, THEY EAT HORSES DON'T THEY?, VICTORIA'S SECRET and a few other episodes with primarily just his sister Francesca representing his family in them we get to see a glimpse into Ray's family life. - In HAWK AND A HANDSAW, when Ray is talking to Fraser about his police psychological review he mentions having a brother he used to take baths with. Never heard more about his having a brother again after this. - In VICTORIA'S SECRET Ray shares some more about his father with Fraser. Ray has Fraser help him bring his father's old pool table up from the basement and into the dining room when the rest of the Vecchio's have gone on vacation. He tells Fraser that as a kid he used to go fetch his father for dinner from Finelli's and would secretly watch him play pool. He admiringly tells Fraser about his memories of his father's pool playing. Summing up his comments in that regard to: "He was a lousy father, but boy could he play pool." In this same episode we even get an appearance from his ghost dad who's dogging/nagging him at the precinct for putting the Vecchio house up as collateral for Fraser's bail money. Ray's ghost dad comments something like his being in purgatory and "...to pay for my sins, I get to watch you make stupid mistakes." - In NORTH ghost dad reappears and again we see Ray isn't too fond of his pop. He's got alot of unresolved anger and bitterness towards his father. His father comes across as sarcastic and out for just himself (tells Ray to do so as well). In this episode Ray tells a story to Fraser about wanting to camp with his father and his father agreeing to it, then disappointing an enthusiastic young Ray when he forgets about it and never does. Kind of helps sum up what kind of man he was as a father/his relationship with Ray. Also in this episode you find out that Ray's ghost dad thinks Fraser is 'looney tunes' and wants Ray to ditch him. - Then there's THE DEAL. I recall Frankie says something like "We have a history", in regards to Ray. This 'history' intrigued and inspired me to write this story. See if you can spot the whole scene of dialogue I borrowed from this episode for a piece of this story.:-> Ray's hatred/anger at Zuko and the guilt at not trying to stop/help a childhood friend Marco from getting beaten up badly by Frankie just begged for more explanation as well. - I was thrilled when they made JULIET IS BLEEDING as a sequel to THE DEAL. It gave us more background on Ray and Frankie's past 'history'. What a wonderful twist it was to find out Frankie's sister Irene had been Ray's childhood sweetheart and he still loves her even as an adult. Again see if you can spot a whole scene of dialogue I borrowed from this episode.;-> - Then there's a more recent episode - (was it WHITE MEN, the episode about basketball?) - that had Ray introducing Fraser to a barber, (played by older comedian Alan King), who is a bookie on the side. The barber is surprised to see a grown up very thin Ray. He recalls to them both how Ray was a chubby kid that liked sweets (kind of like Diefenbaker) and used to come into the barber shop with his father. I've tried to weave a history that would link these episode's teasers, hints and some of the characters from Ray's past into this story. I hope I've done him justice. I've got a list of warnings: 1. This does have hurt/comfort. 2. This does involve m/m. But nothing graphicly depicted. 3. This does involve violent subject matter, but after the fact or not in highly graphic/gory detail, such as: child molestation, child mental/physical abuse and child against child physical abuse. 4. This does have m/f sexual content. 5. This will cause eyestrain. Its the longest story I've written to date. It comes out as 34 pages on my PC. 6. This is yet another heavy depressing story I've written. 7. This does have sap in it. 8. This is primarily a Ray story. Fraser is in it, but the story centers around Ray and his past sneaking up on him. 9. This is a story that was only read and editted by me so far, so bear that in mind when reading. I'm hoping you all can help me out with the comments, suggestions and editting advice.;-> 10. There are spoilers for THE DEAL and JULIET IS BLEEDING throughout. 11. There is an Epilogue and an Epilogue's Epilogue included within the 9 parts of this story. I'm considering separating them out and letting them stand alone as stories by themselves??? The first epilogue to be called GHOST OF A FEELING and the other DEEPER IN THE BASEMENT OF THE SOUL??? I just can't resist epilogues. This is probably a good time for me to shut up and let you start reading IN THE BASEMENT OF THE SOUL, but not before I say this: I dedicate this story to all my fellow Ray fans out here. Dsrvbf@aol.com IN THE BASEMENT OF THE SOUL The basement always bothered him in the big old house the Vecchio's lived in - it was dark even with the lights on; always damp and cold even when it wasn't outside and smelled funny like something musty or decaying. His father had picked on him for his fear of the basement when he'd found out about it, calling him a coward - a baby. That really hurt, because afterall he was almost 11 years old now. There were other reasons he hated it down here, but he couldn't tell anyone - especially his father - the dreadful secret why. He had to go down there now, but was debating whether or not it was really worth it. His younger sister Maria had borrowed his baseball glove a few days ago to play softball with a couple of her friends. He magnanimously lent it to her, but now Joey and Marco wanted to play ball with him, so he needed it back. He took a quick breath of courage and headed down the cellar stairs. "Hey Maria, I know you're down here. I saw you. I want my glove back. I know you still have it." She wasn't answering him. "Come on, I don't want to play hide-and-seek. If you don't give it back to me I'll tell Cesspool where you keep your Barbie dolls. She'll probably give them haircuts like she did your Talking Tina." That ought to get her out in the open he thought smugly to himself, using his secret weapon Francesca was always a good strategy to pull on Maria when he wanted something. At the bottom of the steps now, he noticed light seeping out from the small opening under the laundry room door. Cautiously he headed over to the hated room and what it represented; it wasn't a clean room at all. Partially opening the door he managed to make himself enter it but just barely. What he saw chilled and terrified him, rooting him to the spot. The back of the monster in the basement was to him leaning over a wide eyed and confused 7 year old Maria, who's mouth was covered by a large adult hand. Ray swallowed hard and found his voice. "LEAVE HER ALONE!!! You promised me you'd leave her alone. I did what you wanted. You promised!" He was thankful to see that they were both still fully clothed as he slowly approached his sister and the hated man, angry and fearful at the same time. "Hello Raymondo. You've been avoiding me. I was beginning to feel hurt." Ray closed his eyes briefly and gulped. *Oh god, its my fault. He has Maria here because of me.* his sense of worthlessness kicked in and berated him. His mind was racing as he tried to think of a way to get Maria out of here, he came up with a solution, but it made his stomach turn. "Leave her alone and I'll do what you want. That's the promise." That hated face turned to him. "Oh how noble Raymondo. I knew I liked you best. You're always such a good boy. Ok. But I want to hear you say 'please' first. Your parents taught you better than that. Where are your manners?" The taunting words disgusted him, but he kept his mouth from saying anything that would jeopardize Maria's release from the nearness of the hell he was already well into. "Please." his scared voice tried to sound strong and sincere. The hand came away from Maria's mouth and the other hand fell away from her arm. "See. I'm keeping my promise... you'll have to keep your's now." Maria looked over at her big brother with childlike puzzlement on her face. "Ray what's goin' on?" Ray smiled at his sister pretending nothing was wrong. "Just go upstairs Maria. Uncle Vinnie's just playin' a game with us. But you're too young to play. And you wouldn't like it anyway. I'll be up in a little while to get my baseball glove. Go find it for me ok?" She smiled innocently at him with a trust and love that touched him. "Ok Ray.", she said blissfully ignorant of what almost took place and was about to happen. Ray startled at the sound of the laundry room door closing behind him as she left, then a hand was at his arm, pulling him towards a nightmare he wished he could wake from. He shut a part of himself off mentally to spare him from what he was about to endure, as the monster in the basement claimed him once more. "Stop! Please stop! I don't want to." he cried out. A hand grasped him on the arm, "Ray!". The arm was violently grabbed and twisted as Ray sprang up from his slumped sleeping position in the Riv alarmingly fast, but not quite out of his dreamworld state. "Ray wake up! Wake up Ray! You're hurting me!" Blinking his eyes a couple of times Ray realized he had his best friend's hand in an awkward and painful grip, seeing the strained look on Fraser's face he immediately released it. He breathed out. "Oh god Benny I'm sorry. Are you ok?" Ben's concerned face looked over at him sympathetically, as he moved his arm and wrist around to bring it back to normal. "I'll live. But the question 'Are you ok?' is really for you." Ray forced a smile and nonchalance he didn't feel. "Yeah sure. Its nothin'." A gentle hand reached over to wipe at the wetness on Ray's cheek left over from the nightmare. Showing the evidence of the 'nothing' to Ray, he replied. "Oh I can see that Ray." Ray scrubbed at his face and eyes, snapping at his friend harshly. "Leave it alone Fraser. Ok? You're always butting into my life. Don't you know when to quit? Like right now would be a good time." Fraser's sad blue eyes reflected the hurt he felt at Ray's rebuke. "I'm your friend Ray. I only want to help." Ray still cranky and defensive replied. "Well help someone else. I don't need your help. I'm outta here. This stake-out is a bust. I can't believe I let you con me into watching this shoe store waiting for thieves or elves with foot fetishes. That's not my department. What was I thinkin'?" He started up the engine of the Riv, driving quickly away from the curb heading towards Fraser's apartment. Fraser, who was hurt at being treated this way by someone who up until a couple of minutes ago he thought was his closest friend, spoke. "Ray I'm sorry for being such a bother to you. Don't worry I'll butt out from now on." Ray flippantly replied back. "You do that Fraser." The rest of the ride over to Fraser's apartment they didn't say anything more. Ray pulled up to the front of the building and they said their terse good-byes, Fraser fearing this could be the final good-bye to end their friendship. Ray sped away from the mountie, who was still standing on the sidewalk with Dief beside him, staring worriedly after his departing friend. As Ray drove away, he could see Fraser watching after him in the rear-view mirror, his thoughts drifted back to another person he'd once considered a friend. The nightmare he'd just had had jarringly brought back a flood of memories of a major turning point in his life. It still amazed him that he survived his preteen and teenaged years to become of all things a cop. As he drove he became a scared insecure 11 year old again... So what if it was dinner time, he wasn't hungry and he certainly didn't want to go home. He'd probably get chewed out by his father for missing the family meal - again. His father was such a hypocrite, he'd missed more dinners than Ray ever had, playing pool and getting drunk after work at Finelli's. Ray liked it when his dad wasn't there for dinner, because that usually meant he'd have Uncle Vinnie along with him. But tonight he knew they were both at home and he decided he'd rather face his father's wrath than spend any more time than he had to with Uncle Vinnie. It wouldn't have been so bad, but he always seemed to end up seated next to the man. Being so close to him gave him the creeps. He would lose his appetite then, so it really wasn't worth it to be at a dinner he couldn't eat or keep down anyway. Couldn't his parents see how Ray trembled and became quiet whenever he was around him? Couldn't they see him for the monster he was? Didn't they notice? Did they even care? Kicking at stones as he idly walked by his abandoned for the day school he saw his classmate Frankie in the schoolyard shooting hoops by himself. Frankie Zuko was the new kid on the block, his family had moved into the neighborhood just 2 weeks ago and he hadn't quite fit in. Ray wasn't sure what he thought of Frankie yet, except that he tried too hard to push himself on the other kids to the point where he ended up pushing them away. Ray had nothing better to do and he loved basketball, so he made the first overture of friendship to this kid. He joined him on the court, calling over to him. "Come on Frankie, whaddya say? You and me... one-on-one?" Frankie smiled as he stopped what he was doing to turn and face his challenger. "Raymondo... isn't it?" Ray smiled back. "Yeah, but call me Ray. Come on... you and me." Frankie tossed the basketball over to Ray. "You think you can take me on?" Ray teased and good naturedly laughed. "Hey I don't think. I know. I'm gonna kick your ass." Frankie liked the challenge and laughed back. "Funny, I was just gonna warn you about the same thing." Soon they were into a well matched game of one-on-one, finding they were hard pressed to score points off of one another. While they played they joked and teased learning a little bit more about each other in the process. They were getting along really well, enjoying each other's company, and just being playful kids. It was almost dark when they were interrupted by a sleek expensive black car pulling up alongside the schoolyard fence. "Frankie say 'good-bye' to your little friend and get over here. You're father wants you home NOW!" Frankie rolled his eyes in displeasure towards the car and the man who got out of it. "Yeah, yeah, I'm comin' Charlie. Well Ray looks like my owner's found me again. I've gotta get goin'. I'll try to sneak over here again day after tomorrow... 5 o'clock? Want a rematch?" Ray smiled back at his new friend. "If I can get by the prison guards at my place, you're on. Ciao." Frankie called over his shoulder before getting into the car. "Ciao Ray." After that day they became inseperable friends and would often sneak off to play basketball together, changing the spots frequently to avoid their families. Ray began blowing off his old alter-boy friends Joey, Sal and Marco to hang out with Frankie and Frankie's other newly acquired friends Vito DeNucci and Jimmy 'Roastbeef' Rostelli, these two were considered the toughest kids in school. They weren't rocket scientists, but they sure knew the science of fighting. Jimmy had earned his nickname, because he once pounded a kid's face in until it looked like raw roastbeef, or so the story went, but Ray didn't put alot of stock in some of the stories that flew around the school. He'd heard the rumors about their dad's being mafia connected, but he didn't care, they were friends of Frankie so that made them friends of his. Besides he started to like the growing feeling of being in control at the school, with the other kids showing him 'respect' - or what he thought was respect then, but as an adult realized was just their 'fear' of him and who he hung out with. His musing back to the past brought him swiftly to the Vecchio home after he left Fraser's. Ray felt trapped by the one person who he'd felt he could move mountains for if she asked, but today she was saying things he really didn't want to hear or do. Until now he thought he would do anything in the world to please her, but what she was asking of him was just too much. "Ma I'm not goin' and that's final. I hate him. I don't care." Mrs. Vecchio wouldn't let the matter drop. "Raymondo, he's your uncle. He's family. You should go. He left you an inheritance." Ray swallowed hard, how could he tell his mother that the money his uncle had left him made him feel like a whore owed money for services rendered. He had never told her; couldn't tell her; would never tell her what his father's half-brother Vincenzo had done to him and almost done to Maria more than once. "Ma, I'm NOT goin' to his funeral and I'm NOT takin' his money. I'm glad the bastard's dead." His mother wouldn't leave him alone. "Raymondo that's no way to speak of the dead. You used to like him. When he first moved in with us you really took to him. He spoiled you rotten. What happened? Was it what happened that night your father kicked him out? Nothin' happened to Maria." Ray's tone got very sarcastic. "Yeah right ma, nothin' happened. Forgive and forget. I'm sorry but I can't." He made to leave, but her hand came out to block him. "Raymondo, if you don't take the money for yourself at least give it to the family. We can certainly use it." Ray's expressive eyes tried so hard to tell his mother to stop. Her latest argument was almost breaking his resolve. He loved his family and tried to look out for them and their financial well-being. He'd taken that burden of responsibility onto his shoulders years ago, when he realized what a rotten job of it his father had done. Ray had a good head for money matters and was adept at playing the stock market, investing wisely. He'd managed to pay off the gambling debts his father had left when he'd died 7 years ago; the second mortgage on the house was now paid in full; and he made sure his mother never had to work at menial labor again, she would be able to enjoy time with her grandchildren and early retirement comfortably. She was right though, they could use the money. He started thinking what it could do to help Maria and Tony with the expenses they had of raising their brood; and then there was spendthrift Frannie, who he could never seem to keep on a budget. But still it didn't feel right to him, he couldn't bring himself to take the money. Fully resolved now, he emphatically stated. "NO! I won't do it." Mrs Vecchio slapped him at his disobedience of her wishes and his denying the family this inheritance. The sting of it startled him, but the true pain of it wasn't in the physical slap as much as in the fact that she'd struck him at all. She'd never hit him before. Realizing what she'd done and seeing the devastated look on her son's face, she pulled her hand back quickly, looking at it as if it weren't her own. She wasn't fast enough to stop Ray as he turned quickly from her and fled the house. Calling out from the kitchen to his retreating back as he left through the front door, never once turning back. "Raymondo I'm sorry. I'm sorry." she cried, but he was deaf to her. Ray hadn't returned home that night or the next day either. Mrs Vecchio tried calling him first on his cellular phone, which he wasn't answering, and then at work the following day, but they reported he hadn't shown up and they were also wondering what had happened to him as he was scheduled to be there. She decided then if anyone would know where Ray was it would be Benton; she prayed Ray was with his friend now. Mrs Vecchio knew Ray treasured the friendship he'd developed over the past couple of years with the mountie. He'd never had someone he respected and admired as much as Fraser and she was glad he'd chosen such a good man as a friend. The mountie was such a positive influence on her son, that she could see the effect he was having on Ray revealing itself more and more. Ray's own goodness was trying to openly come out again from behind all the sarcasm and cynicism he normally hid it with. Fraser would be the one he'd turn to she was sure of it. At the consulate Jasmine the receptionist stopped Fraser in the hall. "Hi Fraser. I'm glad you're back. There's a lady in your office waiting to see you. She says its urgent. I let her in there about 10 minutes ago. I hope that's alright. She seems like a real nice lady." Fraser was smiling at her. "Good afternoon Jasmine. That's fine. I'll take care of her. Thank-you kindly." He headed for his closet-like office and was surprised to see that the lady waiting for him was Ray's mother. He was friendly, but his voice and eyes were tinged with concern. "Good afternoon Mrs. Vecchio. Its always a pleasure to see you. But is there something wrong? The receptionist told me you said it was urgent that you speak with me. Is it Ray? Is he alright?" She felt uncomfortable and somewhat nervous about talking to him now, when she realized from his words Ray hadn't spoken to him about what had occurred between herself and her son. She got up and closed the door as she turned to confide in him. "Hello Benton. I'm sorry to bother you at work, but it is important and it does involve my son. Oh I'm such a terrible mother... " She looked absolutely miserable. "I should have known. If only I..." Fraser squatted down next to her chair, trying to look her in the eyes as he placed a reassuring hand on top of her's, which were fidgeting in her lap. She was on the verge of tears. He reached behind him for a box of tissues he knew was there and placed them nearby should they be required. He'd interrupted her self- reproach. "I know you're not a terrible mother. Ray does too. He adores you. I want to help. Please tell me what's wrong." She took a deep breath and began again. "He's gone. The other night we fought over something stupid - money - an inheritance from his uncle, which he didn't want. I slapped him... I don't know what came over me... I've never struck any of my children before. The look in his eyes... oh that hurt look in those beautiful eyes... I'll never forgive myself. He ran from me. I'm so worried about him, he never returned home last night and hasn't reported in to work today... I was hoping he would have come to you." Fraser was growing very concerned for his friend now, as he admitted to Mrs. Vecchio that he too had had a fight with Ray a couple of days ago and hadn't spoken to or seen him since, although he had tried to without any luck. He relayed to her the incident in the car during the stake out. Her sad eyes expressed to him that he'd added another piece to a puzzle she was very close to solving. "Oh, my poor Raymondo. Ray used to have nightmares like that alot when he was young. After Ray left, I told Maria what had happened. She and Ray have always been close, he's very protective of her. The night he left, she told me a vague story about something that happened to her when she was 7 years old; about Ray, herself and their uncle Vincenzo; but I didn't understand what she was really trying to tell me. Oh god its all starting to make a sick sort of sense to me now. Why didn't I see it then?" Mrs Vecchio burst into tears. Fraser comforted her with soothing words and gentle hands on her own, but he needed to know what she was talking about. If there was something wrong with Ray he would do anything in his power to help his dearest friend. When her crying spell had stopped, he began questioning her to draw the whole story out. With a shaky voice at first she relayed the ugly truth as she knew it. "I'm going to confide some personal information about my Ray that I'm trusting you as his friend to keep amongst ourselves." Fraser fervently sweared to guard this information with his life. "I wish you could have known Ray when he was a young boy, he was such a good lovely child - very sweet, friendly, generous and good hearted. I used to think he was destined for the priesthood, the way he treated people was so sensitive and kind. My husband hated it, he wanted Ray to toughen up, be more like him. He thought Ray shouldn't be so naive and trusting, wanting to help people all the time. In a strange way I can see now why he likes you so much Benton. You're alot like he was." She smiled fondly at Fraser at this point and then continued. "When Ray was around 10 years old almost 11, my husband's half-brother Vincenzo came to live with us for a while. Ray adored him, looked up to him; Vincenzo paid him alot of attention, spoiled him." Mrs Vecchio paused to catch a breath and take one of the tissues from the box. Noticing her distress, Fraser interrupted her story briefly. "Can I get you anything to drink? Coffee? Water?" She shook her head. "No, no, I'm fine. Just need a second." The story unfolding about his friend's childhood resumed after a brief pause. "I wish I had known what was happening. But looking back now I can see so many signs that I didn't put together until now. How could I have been so blind? On occassion we'd leave our children with Vincenzo to babysit. I had no idea then, how bad that was. I recall Ray hating it whenever we left them. His father just thought he was being overly dramatic when he'd try to con or beg us not to go, but he stopped after the first couple of times. I loved my husband, but he had a quick temper and low patience, so he soon put an end to that type of behavior." Fraser's grip on her hand was tightening ever so slightly as he felt sympathy for his friend, realizing that something terrible must have happened to that young Ray. "Now I know why... I remember feeling so thankful that we had found out in time and that my husband kicked out his brother when he had tried to molest our Maria. I always just thought Ray hated his uncle for what he almost did to her. I never suspected that he could have already hurt my poor Raymondo." She was crying again and Fraser's heart went out to his friend, understanding now the horrible secret that Ray lived with for so long. A secret that was eating away at him now, because of his uncle's recent death. He gathered a sobbing Mrs Vecchio into an embrace, all the while feeling as sad as she at his friend's pain. She recovered herself slightly. "I wish he would have told me. So much of his behavior back then and now is making sense to me. Before my husband kicked Vincenzo out, I did notice changes in Ray's behavior towards the family. He tried to avoid us, mostly his uncle now that I think back on it. He wouldn't come home right after school, sometimes missing dinner, but he didn't seem to care, even when we scolded him for it. He's always been an outgoing person, but he became quiet around us and kept to himself whenever he could. It was very unlike him. Before then he was a somewhat chubby kid, but at this age he started to lose alot of weight and my angelic Ray was becoming a stranger to me. I remember talking to my husband about it. That maybe he was sick or something. My husband just told me that I babied him too much, that he was just going through a phase, and that he'd snap out of it. It was also around this time he started to lose his old alter-boy friends in favor of some new ones he'd made, like Frankie Zuko. I didn't like these boys and the influence they had on my son, they had such bad reputations and their families were rumored to be 'connected', if you know what I mean. I finally told myself his strange behavior was from his growing up in a street tough neighborhood. My husband... well he didn't seem to worry about it as much as me, except when Ray would get into trouble and it would get him involved with dealing with some kid's parents or business owner that had his store or whatever shoplifted or vandalized. Except for that he just would tell me not to worry; that teenaged boys go through phases like this; it was character building and he'd learn from it. I'm sorry. I'm rambling now." Fraser, who had been quietly concentrating on all that she said, responded. "Mrs Vecchio this is helping me understand your son and what's happening now better. Whether he realizes it or not he needs us now more than ever. Don't worry. I promise you I will find him and bring him home. I'd do anything to help your son." Mrs Vecchio, wiping at her eyes, gave him a sad half-smile. "I know you would. You're a good friend and my son is lucky to have found you. Thank-you." The seedy hotel room over Vito's bar and pool hall with the neon sign outside his window was ratty, uncomfortable and loud, but he didn't care. It was away from home and away from haunting memories of his past, or so he thought as he drifted to sleep. His dream placed him back in the past again, this time he was around 12 years old... He'd just come sneaking back into the house late one night. He hadn't been sought out by Uncle Vinnie for about a month now and Ray had been keeping even closer track of Maria and Frannie to make sure they were ok in that timeframe. He knew he'd be able to tell if something was wrong with either one of them, because he was always driving them crazy with his 'stupid' obsessive overly protective questions about their comings and goings. Frannie especially was becoming annoyed and would stubbornly and petulantly ignore him now, but he figured if there were something wrong with her he'd know it. Maria always talked with, trusted and confided in him though and she was ok the last time he'd seen her. Tonight he'd been messing around with Frankie and the guys. Frankie had shown them one of his father's guns. Ray thought it was really cool and insisted they go out to a deserted warehouse to target practice with it. Ray had been pretty good with the weapon for his first time and garnered praise from his friends at his being a 'natural'. He joked with them that it helped when you pictured someone as your target. They'd laughed at that and he didn't tell them he wasn't kidding. He really did picture his tormentor as the target each time he squeezed that trigger. The weapon in his hand had felt so good as it discharged and especially whenever it hit the mark; that he found himself wishing that his uncle had been the one he really hit in that warehouse. The fantasy of it was so tempting... *maybe Frankie would lend me the gun sometime?*... he had toyed with this idea alot on his way home. He'd successfully made it upstairs without being caught. Walking by Frannie's room to check on her he saw she was already fast asleep, clutching her teddy bear. He went to Maria's room and saw that his other sister wasn't there. He hadn't seen her downstairs when he briefly poked around the house checking for the whereabouts of everyone. So where was she? His heart was racing a bit with concern. That's when he heard the commotion coming from downstairs. He'd never heard his father so angry in all his life, not even when Ray had angered him for any of the trouble he'd been getting into lately. The house was shaking as he heard someone violently thrown up against a wall. Then the cursing and yelling that went on was incredible. He realized that his father was furious with his Uncle Vincenzo and it sounded like they were having not only a verbal fight but a physical one as well. Ray crept down the stairs and watched the altercation from a safe hidden distance. He could just barely see his mother clutching Maria to her and trying to get past the two angry fighting brothers. She looked just as furious and yet on the verge of tears. When an opening made itself clear, she moved quickly past them both with a scared and confused Maria protectively held close. The way they were approaching him there was nowhere Ray could hide. His mother caught his eyes and then his hand as she pulled him in tow along with his sister up the stairs. "I know what's happening downstairs is confusing to you both, but trust me, what your father is doing is best for the family." There was the sound of his father's angry voice yelling at his brother to never step foot in his house again and then the door slamming with finality as his uncle was banished forever. When his mother wasn't looking he couldn't stop the smile that spread from inside him to his face. The monster was gone. He felt a burden lifted off of him, and a feeling of a key being turned to release him from his own personal hell. His father had become his hero in that moment and he couldn't have loved him more. Later that night when his father went by his door, Ray stopped him and without saying a word just hugged him. It took his father off-guard, he wasn't an affectionate man when it came to his son and the emotional display made him uncomfortable. "Ray?" At first Ray could swear he felt him actually hug him back, but it was too brief as his father pulled him away to face him. Ray grew fearful when he saw the expression on his father's face, at first it was puzzlement and then it quickly grew stern as it said. "Raymondo, did you know something? Maria said you always told her not to play with Uncle Vinnie." Ray's eyes registered panic and he visibly gulped. He knew his face was like an open book and he had trouble lying; his father knew it too - although lately Ray had been getting better at lying. Ray felt he didn't have to say a word now, just had to look at him and he'd know the awful truth. He tried to cast his eyes down quickly so his father couldn't see that he knew so much, too much for a child his age. His father shook his head in disappointment. "Ray you're pathetic. You should have told me he was bothering Maria. I expect you as the oldest male in the house when I'm not around to look after your sisters and mother better than that. Your brother Carmine would have. You failed kid. Don't ever let me down again." Ray was devastated and felt more worthless now than he ever had before. The comparison to his beloved older brother had been almost like a physical blow - the pain came from believing his father was right. It always amazed him that his father never struck him, but could hurt him just as badly, if not more, with just his words or a look. Ray berated himself thinking if Carmine were still around, he would have handled things better than he had. *He'd have known what to do; he'd never have let Uncle Vinnie do those horrible things to him or me or our sisters.* Ray missed his older brother and wished, not for the first time, that he had been the one who died in the car accident 5 years ago instead of his brother, the son he felt his father really wanted and loved. He knew he was going to cry, but he wasn't about to let his father see the tears, instead he pulled away angry, hurt and betrayed as he spat. "I hate you too!" He ran blindly down the stairs and out the door. His father's angry bellow followed him out into the night. "Raymondo get your ass back in here!" But he didn't turn around, he just kept running. When he slowed down a little bit he realized he was running towards Frankie's place. He figured his friend would let him hang out there for a while. Frankie knew what it felt like to have an asshole for a father, he'd understand. Fraser had gone to the precinct right after Mrs. Vecchio's visit. He was in Lt Welsh's office letting him know Ray wasn't going to be in for a few days. He hadn't told him the whole truth, just that Ray wasn't feeling well and needed the time off, which was true. Welsh wasn't happy about the way Ray had requested time off through Fraser, he couldn't afford to give him that time, there was just too much work to do. However Welsh had known of Mrs Vecchio looking for her son this morning and knew something was very wrong. Along with this Fraser's sincerety and pleading eyes told him it was serious and private enough that he reluctantly granted the sick time. "He'd better be well in 2 days or else he's going to find himself in a whole lot of trouble. Understand?" Fraser looked relieved at the time given to his awol friend. "Yes sir. I'll take personal responsibility that he reports back to you in that timeframe." As Fraser took his leave of him, Welsh noticed from the window of his office that Fraser had stopped by Elaine's desk and had led the Civilian Aide out of the squadroom. His attention was called away from this scene and it was soon forgotten as Detective Huey and States Attorney Louise St Laurent entered his office with information on taking down a psycho he'd wanted off the streets for over a month now. Elaine was happily surprised to see Fraser approaching her desk. Ray wasn't around so his presence here was unusual but welcome. She gave him a smile and a greeting. "Good afternoon Elaine. I'm sorry to impose on you, but would you please grant me a favor?" Elaine's mind was racing at the thrill of Fraser owing her a favor. *Oh how I'd love to collect*, she laughed inwardly to herself. She overeagerly said, "Yes, anything.", and scolded herself for her hasty response. "Would you mind going somewhere private, so we can talk?" Elaine was elated, somewhere private with Fraser was always the highlight of her fantasies. This was too good to be true. She got up from her desk and let him escort her out of the squadroom to one of the interrogation rooms on this floor. He'd sworn her to secrecy, which she agreed to and then came the request. "Elaine, Ray's run off and I need to track him quickly. I was hoping that with your research and computing skills you could find out if and where he may have used his credit cards in the last 2 days? I know which one's he has in order to help you narrow the search." Elaine looked concerned and was very willing to help. "Of course I'll help you. I won't even hold you to the favor." She kicked herself when she realized what she just said. "Believe it or not I like Ray - most of the time - I want to help him too." Fraser gave her the most beautiful smile and look that made her heart skip a beat. *Oh this was definitely gonna be worth it.*, she thrilled in her head. She just endeared herself to the man of her dreams, it couldn't get better than this. She heard her little voice inside say laughingly *Oh yes it can.* "Where can I reach you?", she asked. Fraser responded, "Thank-you kindly Elaine. Leave me a message to call you at either of these 2 numbers." He then gave her Mr Mustafi's phone number and Jasmine's at the consulate. "I'll call you back. I'll be out looking for other clues to his whereabouts, but I will check in periodically as well. Ok?" Elaine smiled. "I'll start right now. It could take a couple of hours... if we're lucky." She slid a paper and pencil that were in the room over to Fraser. "Here, write down that list of credit cards for me." Fraser knew the cards from having shopped and dined numerous times with Ray. Ray had even thrown him his wallet once when Ben needed to borrow money from him 'again'. Ray had jokingly told him then. "Here keep it. Just give me an allowance ok?" He quickly made out the list, adding his gas station cards on there as well. She was true to her word, making it her first priority, when they finally parted company. With Elaine's help he narrowed his search down to a seedy part of Chicago. He could see why Ray picked this area, it was definitely somewhere someone could get lost in and discourage any followers. But Fraser wasn't just any follower, he was a fearless tracker and also a worried friend. Ray had used one of his cards in a store to pick up some clothes and other essential items, seeing as he had left the house so quickly without having had a chance to pack anything. He went to the store now to question the shop clerks there. One of the clerks had remembered seeing him and which direction he'd been going in when he left. Fraser went in that same direction asking people all around the area and in the outlying stores and establishments if they'd seen his friend. His search brought him to a pool hall bar with rooms to let the next night. He entered the smoky, loud and dingy place looking for the manager. But luck was with him, when he spotted a pool game just ending in the back of the room and heard his friend's voice laughingly asking for any more takers. He seemed to be in a good mood, probably because he had quite a bit of money in his hand, which he must have won. Ray hadn't noticed him yet, because his back was to him. As he approached he said loudly enough for his friend to hear over the din in the place. "I'm willing to play, but not for money, the stakes are higher than that." Ray visibly stiffened when he recognized the voice, then he took on a very cool attitude as he turned around. "Hey guys, meet Dudley DoRight. If you're lucky he might give you his autograph." Ray looked annoyed at his being there, but Ben wasn't going to be daunted. Fraser was ready for Ray's inner and outer game playing taking place now as he faced him. "Well Ray you haven't answered my challenge yet. You ready to play me for the stakes I'm about to lay down?" Ray gave him a questioning look. "You're not serious are you? Oh yeah I forgot, you're always serious. You don't want to take me on. Just go." Fraser was willing to offer up their friendship as the highest stake and he wasn't about to lose it if he could help it, so he firmly responded. "The stake I'm offering up is: You win, I leave you alone. I win, you have to talk to me. Answer some questions." Ray thought the challenge over and feeling kind of smug he answered. "You're on. But if I win you get the better deal. Believe me." Fraser was saddened to hear his friend talk this way, because he knew now that Ray was pushing him away not so much out of anger, but out of his own self-loathing. He'd never wanted to win a game so badly as this one in his whole life. "What are we playing?" Ray responded. "8-Ball. You ever play it before Fraser?" Fraser hadn't, but he was familiar with the game from reading about it in one of the many books he'd read in his grandmother's travelling library. He'd also played pool in different variations before and had a good head for the mathmatics and logic of the overall game. These factors would have to serve him well now. Ray threw him a cue and then racked up the balls. "Best 3 out of 5 wins." Fraser remembered his friend telling him that his father had been an excellent pool player, that time he'd helped him move the Vecchio's pool table into their dining room. He was supposed to have played pool with Ray back then, but he never got to since Victoria had picked that time to re-enter his life and regrettably made him miss his friend's get together with the guys for a night of pool. Having seen the amount of money in his friend's hand tonight he had the feeling that Ray was probably a chip-off-the-old- block when it came to this game. He steeled himself for this challenge; their friendship was on the line. Ray was being generous and smug. "I'll let you break on the first one." Fraser made the first shot; it was alright, but kind of sloppy and didn't get him all that far. Ray took over and wiped up the table with him. The first game was his and he sure was cocky about it. Fraser had improved with the second game, since he felt a little more confident with it and had learned a bit of Ray's style from the first game. Fraser just barely won the game. The third game however Ray showed him no mercy and again it was won by his friend. The fourth made him nervous, if he lost this one he'd lose his friend. It counted so much that he put all he had into it and managed to win it impressively. They amazingly matched each other now, 2 for 2 with the fifth game being the deciding game. He watched both the table and his friend closely with fearful eyes at every clean shot Ray made. He kept wondering what his impulse was - Why had he put their friendship up to the whim of a game? He caught Ray periodically looking over at him with a strange expression in his eyes, almost as if he were sizing him up for another type of challenge. The game was down to just a couple of balls left on the table and in Ray's favor. Then something miraculous happened... Ray fumbled the last shot. Fraser noticed however, that despite Ray's words to the contrary he really didn't seem all that upset about it. Ray tilted his head slightly as he looked across the table at him asking through a teasing smile. "Well are ya gonna take a shot at this or not?" Fraser took the 'cue' his friend just offered him, as he responded. "Its definitely a shot worth taking. I won't give up on you Ray." The ball moved smoothly and precisely into the pocket with a satisfying plunk. He could swear his friend had fumbled in the end to let him win. However he won he was going to keep Ray to his part of what was at stake - their friendship. Fraser pondered briefly what he would have done if he had lost. Probably still butt into Ray's life somehow. He couldn't stop, especially now when Ray needed a friend most. Fraser placed their cues back in the rack and tidied up the table, then placed a hand on his friend's arm. "You ready for our talk now? Or do I have to play some other game for the privilege?" Ray smiled and shook his head. "You really don't give up do you? Yeah, well you won afterall. I honor my debts. I've got a room upstairs. We can talk there." He led Fraser up the dirty stairs through the dingy hallway that took them to Ray's room. Inside they sat one on the couch the other in a chair. Ray was nervous and fidgeting, trying to avoid Fraser's eyes as he blurted out. "Ok, you've got me here, now talk." Fraser started with, "Your mother came to see me the other day. She's very worried about you and so am I." Ray scoffed at that. "Yeah right. She really showed me how worried she is about me. She wouldn't let up on me." Fraser looked over in compassion at his friend. "Ray if you can manage to think through some of your pain, you'll realize she really does love you and didn't mean to hurt you. She didn't know why you were so resolute about not taking the inheritance... but she does now." Ray's face reacted in surprise at first, then he recovered his cool attitude again. "She knows nothing." Fraser moved along the couch so he was closer to his friend, placing a hand comfortingly on his arm. "Ray we know about your uncle and the horror he put you through." Ray looked extremely uncomfortable, but his eyes told him another story of relief at finally being allowed to share his burden with someone else. Ray visibly swallowed and tried to say something back, but at first the words wouldn't come. "You.. um.. you know?" Fraser nodded and said "Yes." Ray panicked slightly, "Oh god, she knows? And she doesn't hate me?" Fraser shook his head and looked reassuringly at his friend. "Hate you for what? For being a scared young boy who was taken advantage of? Never." Ray spoke up, wanting and yet not wanting to talk to someone about what he kept hidden from everyone and wanted to keep hidden from himself but couldn't. "Man, I was such a dumb kid. So naive, trusting and thinking the best of people. It was so easy for my uncle to manipulate me. He knew all the right buttons to push. I shouldn't have been so trusting. I was so stupid to think that he actually cared about me at first. Ya know there was a time when he used to treat me better than my own father. He'd fill me full of things I needed and wanted to hear. Things my father never told me... like he wished I were his son; that he was proud of me for being such a good boy... That he loved me..." The last part was said through a choked up throat, as Ray scrubbed at his face fighting to hold back an onslaught of tears, he felt on the verge of shedding. "My father was right - I was weak; I was a coward. When I was molested the first time, I should have stood up to my uncle. I should have done somethin'. It was my fault. I should have done somethin' to stop him." Ray's voice grew quiet at the last part and he couldn't look Fraser in the eyes. Fraser shook his head sadly. "Ray, you were what - 10 years old? Give yourself a break. You were a child. Unfortunately I know you've been on child molestation cases before, do you fault the children that were victims?" Ray's quiet voice whispered out a "No." Fraser moved his hand from Ray's arm to rest on top of the fidgeting hand on the armrest. "Then why blame yourself?" Ray grew slightly defensive. "Its not the same." Fraser pierced him with his kind blue eyes. "It is." Fraser decided Ray needed to hear something that Maria and his mother had shared with him, when he checked in with them earlier today with his progress on locating Ray. He began. "Maria told your mother about that time you protected her from your uncle. That took alot of courage Ray. She also told how you used to always look out for her and Francesca and warned them away from your uncle. Did you know it was because of you Maria was spared that night your father discovered what his brother was like? She knew from your warnings there was something wrong with the way your uncle was talking to her and trying to lure her away to the basement. She ran outside to get away from him and ran into your father who'd just returned with your mother from visiting a neighbor across the street. She was scared and according to your mother didn't want to talk to him, she kept wanting to find you. When they heard her story that's when your father reacted the way he did." Ray didn't know the whole story of that night and was thankful Fraser had told him. Ray quietly and sadly spoke. "I should have told my father, but I couldn't. He was such a bastard, he would have made it worse for me. Worse, god I don't know how it could have gotten much worse, but I thought at the time it could. He already thought I was pathetic, this would have just added to it. All I ever wanted was for my father to be proud of me, but I always let him down. I'm glad he and his brother are both dead. Maybe I'll finally get some peace now." A silent lone tear splashed on Fraser's hand, Ray was relieved to finally have someone like Fraser to talk to about what had happened to him so long ago, yet stayed to haunt him to this day. He had needed to talk about it so badly, but felt ashamed and embarassed at first, but Fraser didn't back off from him, was very supportive and encouraging, even through the worst of it. His friend's compassion, soothing words and reactions helped put Ray at ease as he was able now to release at last some of the tragic pain and humiliation of what he went through during his childhood. His conversation with Fraser didn't end with his uncle's banishment though, he carried it through to his traumatic association with Frank Zuko and that horrific aspect of his life. Ray spoke now of what he only briefly touched on that one time he confided to Fraser, who had been beaten up by Zuko's men, about one of the things he felt most guilty about from his childhood - Marco Matrani, the kid Frankie Zuko had mercilessly drilled a basketball into his face when they were teenagers. Ray's narrative began. "I remember being born knowing Marco. We ended up in the same classes, church functions and just neighborhood things all the time. He was my shadow and one of those friends you don't want to admit to anyone is your friend. He used to always want to tag along, do what I did. He drove me crazy. There was no shakin' him. Believe it or not Fraser, Frankie Zuko and I used to be inseperable friends. When he says we have a history together he ain't kiddin'. Another part of my life I'm not proud of. But even when I started hangin' out with Frankie and his friends, Marco still wanted to be around me. Dumb kid. I used to warn him off, especially whenever he begged me to let him play basketball with us. I knew what Frankie was like, especially when it came to basketball. He was ruthless. I could keep up with him though, because I could play him dirty move for dirty move. I'm not proud to admit this, but who do you think taught Frankie that elbow technique?" Fraser gave him a knowing smile, remembering the elbow jab an adult Frankie had given him when they had played one-on-one that one time. Ray continued his story. "Frankie had tolerated Marco once for my sake and tried to hold back around him, when he saw that I was running interference between them. I took a few jabs to the ribs for it too. But it was worth it, to protect him. Marco was an enthusiastic but terrible player. The kid wouldn't leave it be, kept wanting to play even after that first game. Frankie was getting annoyed at me for mother-henning him on the court, whether he was on our team or playing against us. Started really givin' me flack about it. Told me I needed to toughen up, I was gettin' weak. When Marco cost him a game that Frankie had money on, the kid didn't have a prayer." Ray took a shaky breath and blew it out. Shaking his head in self-denial he went on. "I knew Frankie was pissed off, but I didn't even bother to warn Marco to stay clear of us. I shouldn't have been there. I should've just left after the game. If I hadn't been there, Marco wouldn't have seen me and come over. He didn't have a clue." Fraser remembered how emotionally hard it had been on his friend to have told him just a small part of this story already that one time in the precinct canteen. It was really doing a number on him now, but he knew his friend had to let this piece out too, maybe in this way he could overcome some of the guilt he felt over his part in the grizzly story that was about to unfold. "I did nothin' to stop Vito and Jimmy 'Roastbeef' from holding him down while Frankie rearranged his face. I'll never forget. He kept looking at me with those frightened eyes, he was begging me to help him, but I couldn't move. I was transfixed by it all. God there was so much blood and I can still hear him cryin'. When Frankie finally let up on him, he threw the bloody ball to me and coolly joked. 'You're up Vecchio.' I was terrified of him then, someone I thought was my friend, scared the hell out of me. It was then everything fell into perspective for me. I wasn't like these guys, no matter how much I thought I was. The difference between us became clear right then and there." Ray took a pause and sighed. "I thank god there was a noise of someone coming by to make Frankie and his goons, minus me scatter. I went to Marco, not knowing what to do, but just be there with him so he wouldn't be alone or help stop the bleeding... get help... whatever... I don't remember much after that I was so numb. I never thanked Marco for what he'd suffered and done for me to set me free from what I could've become. He paid too high a price for me to come to my senses and change my life back to my earlier goal of helping people instead of hurting them." Fraser had remained silent, just listening in sympathy and sadness at the outpouring of such a tragic childhood. It was what Ray needed from him and he readily granted him this, but sensing his friend was talked out for now, he interrupted him. "Ray you could never have become like those without a conscience and so much hate. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you and I aren't as different as you may think. Your approach is different than mine - distinctly so - but the sentiment and goal is the same. You're a good man Ray Vecchio and I'm proud to have you as a friend. You're loyal, generous and good-hearted, despite what you may think of yourself. I think you need to forgive that boy you once were. Give him a break... he's suffered long enough... forgive yourself Ray." Ray's eyes told him that he was having a hard time with this concept. He teased him. "If you don't, I'll be forced to tell you Inuit stories until you do." Ray gave him a half-smile and then Fraser felt Ray's arms go around him in a thankful embrace as he whispered. "I'll try, but please no Inuit stories." Ray's ghost dad watched unnoticed by Ray as his son spoke with his 'looney tunes' friend - he reluctantly admitted to himself that Fraser wasn't really 'looney tunes' - as he listened to what was being said. It hurt so much to hear his son talk about what had happened to him as a child and the venom he had spoken with about him, his own father. As Ray's friend held him in a comforting embrace, Ray's father spoke loud enough for Ray to hear him as he sincerely and sadly said. "I'm sorry Ray. You're right I'm a bastard. I should've told ya this ages ago. I'm proud of you. I do love you." and he left then to go back to his purgatory. He didn't see the surprised eyes that watched his retreating back as he disappeared back to where he'd come from or hear the "Pop?" that followed after him. In purgatory Ray's angry father searched for his half- brother and was ready and willing to chase him into the depths of hell to get him back for what he'd realized now had been done to his son. Because right now no hell could be worse than the one he was in of his own design. *****EPILOGUE***** A week had passed since he'd come home thanks to Fraser. He felt freer now and more comfortable in this house than ever before. His mother and he had had a long talk and in that time he learned where he'd gotten his overactive guilt complex inherited from. He had expected he'd be the one apologizing to her profusely, but she had surpassed him by making her apologizing to him into an artform. Maria had been so good to him too. She even thanked him for being such a good big brother and that she loved him. Frannie, well she reluctantly admitted that she missed him and had worried about him too. Tony, he still didn't have clue, but Maria loved the guy and he was good to his sister, so he left it at that. As for the inheritance, Ray still wasn't going to claim it, the state could have it for all he cared. His family supported his wish not to take it and supported him and that's all that really mattered in the end. He smiled to himself and realized how lucky he was to have his family and that always included Benny when he thought of family. He still wondered if he had really seen and heard his father's ghost say what he'd always wanted all his life to hear. Or was it just his subconscious wishing it so much that he tricked himself into seeing him and hearing those words come out of that man? Whether it was real or figment, it had helped heal some of the wounds there as well. Ray slipped under the covers of his bed and shut off the light. He wasn't afraid to close his eyes now, as he quickly and effortlessly drifted off to sleep, smiling in his slumber when he saw where he was being taken... He was back again in his past, a skinny darkhaired wising- off kid in gym class. He was goofing around with Joey Salducci and they were teasing each other about the class lesson for the day... it was a dancing gym class today. *That was so dorky, gym was for sports not dancing.* he and his friends thought. He teasingly asked his friend. "Joey ya big moose can I have this dance?" Joey laughed with him, pointing over to Antonio Scarpaci. "Sorry Vecchio, even though you asked so nice, my dance card's full. Tony asked first." While they laughed, Ray caught a glimpse of the most beautiful girl he'd ever laid eyes on watching him with smiling eyes. *Man, she's gorgeous* he thought. He didn't know who she was, but he was certain that by the time they were out on the floor dancing, he'd know then. When it came time for them to get partnered up with one of the girl's in the class, he realized that from his position in line he was one guy off from getting paired with her. His mind raced at thinking up a plan to get him in the right spot in line. He smiled devilishly to himself as he whispered into the ear of Tommy Fortuna, the guy in 'his' spot. A beet red Tommy skedaddled for the locker room just in time for Ray to steal his rightful spot and come face to face with an angel. His name was called out and then her's "Vecchio with Zuko." He shook his head thinking. *Naw, I must be hearing things.* Frankie wasn't in his gym class, just this darkhaired beauty positioning her hands on him for the dance. She noticed his puzzled look and brief shake of his head. "You don't have to dance with me if you don't want. I'll find another partner." Ray was startled and alarmed by her words, stammering out. "Uh no I don't... ahh I mean... I do want... That's not what I meant." She was smiling, giggling at his attempt to explain himself to her, pretending to be serious she let him off the hook. "Ok Mr Vecchio I accept your gracious request to dance with me." Ray had positioned his nervous hands as instructed by the teacher on this lovely creature. "Please don't call me Mr. Vecchio, or I'll think my dad's here. Call me Ray. And what can I call you?" She gave him a radiant smile. "I'm Irene." Ray's brain made the connection now. Frankie had told him the other day that his younger sister Irene had recently come home from a special girl's boarding school in Switzerland. She'd hated it there and begged to come home. Their parents had finally reluctantly allowed her to come home and go to public school now. Ray smiled at this happy realization. "Your Frankie's sister right?" She smiled back. "Well it depends on how you'll react if I tell you. Friend or foe?" Ray laughed. "He's a friend of mine." She responded. "Yeah I know. He talks about you all the time. 'Ray this' and 'Ray that.' I feel like I already know you." Ray wished he could say the same back, but the truth of it was, Frankie barely ever talked about his sister. Ray hadn't even realized he'd had one, until a short time ago when Frankie had to go on a trip with his parents to see his 'princess' of a sister and didn't want to go. He joked back. "Well then you probably know that I usually like to lead when I'm dancing with a girl." She laughed when she realized he was right, she was trying to lead the dance and they must look pretty silly to everyone else in the class. Embarassed and self-conscious now, she apologized. "Sorry. I'll try to stop." Ray noticed that even after he'd pointed it out to her she was still having trouble getting into the rhythm of the dance with him. He had some experience with ballroom dancing, because his mother loved to dance. Having 2 sisters meant he was always the one forced to dance the most as their partners when his mom taught them how to dance too. Seeing her distress and worry about not dancing well, he wanted to help and as an ulterior motive get her closer to him, so he suggested. "Just relax. Its ok. Just put your head on my shoulder and close your eyes. Everything's gonna be ok." She gave him a nervous half-smile and tentatively did as he advised and the dance went much smoother after that, but was interrupted too soon, by the gym teacher coming over and pulling them apart, with a "Hey, Romeo and Juliet. Break it up . That's not part of the lesson you two." Irene blushed slightly and Ray thought she couldn't have been more beautiful. He wanted to dance the rest of the day away with her, but the bell rang signalling the end of class, but what he hoped wouldn't be the end for them. He stopped her in the hall before they went into the locker rooms. "Will you go out with me this Saturday night?", he asked hopeful, nervous at the thought she might say what he didn't want to hear, but he couldn't just let her go without knowing if she felt the same tug of attraction he'd felt for her. She pretended to think about it and let him sweat a little. "Well, I do have homework to do and there is the laundry and... of course. I'd love to go out with you." They made quick arrangements for their date and agreed to meet again before then. In the locker room he got razzed by his friends for mooning over a girl. Called by the nickname 'Romeo' the PE teacher laid on him now, but he was walking on air and didn't care. He good naturedly teased them back that they were all just jealous of his dancing technique, style, wit and handsome good looks. Suddenly the scene changed and that angel was pulling him in through her window, quietly laughing with him at the incredible fact he was there with her now. She whispered over to him as he tripped into her bedroom. "Shhh. Frankie and Charlie are downstairs watching tv. My parents aren't here." Ray smiled. "Then they won't mind if I dance with you." They held each other close as they began a slow dance. They loved moving like this with each other and she had become a remarkable dancer since that time so long ago when they first danced together. But tonight he let her lead when he realized where it was she was taking him... her tentlike bed. They'd gone out tonight just as they had so many times before, but for a while now it had been in secret. Before the incident with Marco he openly dated her and Frankie although jealous of the time he spent with his sister and not hanging out with him, seemed to be ok with it, even joked that maybe some day they'd be related. It had been one of their childhood dreams that they'd always be tight friends and when Frankie took over the business from his father, Ray would be his right-hand man. His dating Irene almost made them like family they thought. But after that tragic day with Marco, Frankie made it hard for Ray and Irene to keep seeing each other. Actually Ray had ended it with Irene shortly thereafter telling her that he couldn't keep seeing her because he hated her brother so much for what he'd done. She was devastated by this and moped around the house, not speaking to and glaring daggers at Frankie for days. Frankie in his anger and feeling betrayed by Ray was thrilled to see his sister and his ex- friend finally apart, but at the same time he was saddened that he'd lost his best friend. What Frankie didn't know was how much Ray and Irene loved each other, more than he could have realized and soon they were secretly seeing each other again. Irene would tell her family she was going to a friend's or the library and Ray would rendezvous with her to whisk her off to the movies or rollerskating or whatever, in a part of the city or beyond it that their friend's and family didn't normally go. Tonight it had been the movies, afterwards he'd parked his car a block from her house and walked her home or as close as he'd get to the house to see her get in safely. Tonight though he had noticed her signalling him from her window. He had told her earlier that evening that whenever he dropped her off he hated leaving her, he would watch to see her turn on her bedroom light, pull down the shades and every time he felt the urge to climb up to her bedroom window and whisk her away from that house never to return. He was glad he told her, because she had definitely signalled to him that she wanted him up there. He was impassioned as he climbed up to be with her. Now here he was in the danger zone dancing with her which somehow just thrilled him and heightened his senses more. As she danced him towards her bed he lost his balance when he backed up into it and ended up pulling down one of her bed curtains in the process to break their fall; she was falling with him quietly laughing in his mouth. Now on the bed, somehow she stayed in his arms and the beauty of her and the nearness of her made his heart beat faster, and his body was reacting to her's scantily clad in just a short light nightshirt. Her silky lips barely broke free from his own the whole time he'd been here with her. He'd seen her nipples pressing against the cotton and now could feel them on his bare chest, when she removed his shirt from him and held him close. Knowing from the striptease signal she'd given him in front of her window that she wasn't wearing any underwear under the nightshirt, he let his hands wander down from her waist to work their way underneath the shirt to touch the smooth skin of her ass. From there moving to the front of her as they fondled her breasts, breaking their kiss he slid the garment over her head and his mouth now caressed her there. The sensational feel, the sweet smell and taste of her filled him. Her hands hadn't been idle as she too explored him, sending shivers of pleasure through his entire body, especially when she freed his erection, her hands brushing him teasingly there, causing him to moan. It wasn't long before they had finished undressing and began making inexperienced yet passionate love to each other for the first time. The scene wavered and he was an adult now, approaching an angelic vision of an adult Irene as he entered a beautiful home in the suburbs somewhere. She was smiling welcoming him home and into her warm embrace. Their lips met and he kissed her thoroughly. When they pulled away, she was holding his hand and leading him further into the house, asking him how his day went and she was telling him about her's and their kids, who he could hear playing in a room close by. The dream scene was too short and began to waver... Ray let out a muffled cry in his sleep. Then his eyes saw his bedroom again and himself alone there. From behind him he heard the voice of an angel. "Oooh, I like it when you dream about me. Those are some of my favorites you were just having. I always home in on you so much easier when you dream about me." He was afraid to turn around and not see her there. In his desire for her he forced himself to turn his head and she was there smiling lovingly at him. "Oh god Irene I miss you." She moved to sit or actually it was like a hovering sitting on the edge of his bed. He reached out to touch her hoping to connect with the soft flesh he'd touched so many times before. Instead his hand just passed through her own. She gave him a sad sympathetic smile. "I wish I could touch you too Ray. I'm sorry. This is the best I can do." When she said the last part he could feel a cold drafty tingling on his hand as she placed it just barely on top of his. "I can't stay long. I've already stayed longer than I can. Promise me you'll always remember me and never forget that I love you." Ray's eyes gazed deeply and longingly into ghostly one's. "I'll always remember. I love you too." With that the draft at his hand was no more and the angel was gone... His alarm sounded rousing Ray from sleep. He awoke smiling and reviewing the pieces of the pleasant memories and fantasies the dreams he'd just had evoked. He relegated his ghostly visit by Irene to, *It must have been part of the dreams. Even when she was alive she was like a dream to me.* He shivered and had a 'ghost of a feeling' when a cool draft brushed lightly at his hand. GHOST OF A FEELING (see 'Juliet Is Bleeding' to hear this song) EVERY TIME THE NIGHT COMES IN I FEEL THE WEIGHT OF WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN AND I SEE YOUR FACE HOVERING BEFORE MY EYES THROUGH EMPTY ROOMS I WALK ALONE ECHOES THAT ARE NOT MY OWN I HEAR YOUR VOICE AND ITS CALLING (CALLIN' ME) SEE YOUR SHADOW'S ON THE WALL AND WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I CAN'T ALWAYS TOUCH YOU GHOST OF A FEELING, HARDEN ME, I'M NEVER FREE FROM THIS GHOST OF A FEELIN', AND I SAY 'STAY WITH ME BABY, OH YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO." BUT ITS JUST A GHOST, A GHOST OF A FEELIN' AWAKENED BY YOUR CRYIN' ROOM(?) I FIND YOUR LIPS ON MINE AGAIN AND I HEAR MY HEART AND ITS POUNDIN' (SLOW DOWN) I COVER MY EARS BUT I CAN'T SHUT THE SOUND OUT WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I CAN'T JUST ESCAPE YOU GHOST OF A FEELING, HARDEN ME, I CAN NEVER RUN FROM THIS GHOST OF A FEELIN', A GHOST OF A FEELIN', IT NEVER DISAPPEARS OH AND IT FEELS SO REAL BUT ITS A GHOST, A GHOST OF A FEELING ITS JUST A GHOST OF A FEELING ***** EPILOGUE'S EPILOGUE ***** Frank Zuko sat alone - he was alone - the most alone he'd ever been, even if there had been someone in the dark room with him. The excuse for a life he'd once had was gone now. His father's legacy was crumbling before his eyes and he didn't care. He realized now, that although he'd tried so hard to be like his father, he'd never really wanted to be him or like him, that role was thrust on him at an early age and he knew that his father had been right - he was weak, he was a coward - and now he had the proof that he'd shamed the family. He'd lost face in front of his 'business' associates, Charlie had abandoned him, claiming he was retired and wanted nothing more to do with him. Frank's wife and daughter had left him and were somewhere in Florida. His sister Irene was dead by his hand. Ray hated him more than ever now. He'd laughed bitterly to himself, when he got to this part of the cataloguing family and so-called 'friends'. *Why do I always care what Ray thinks?* He'd tried sleeping, but that got him nowhere. He hadn't been able to sleep much since the tragic incident when he'd shot and killed his sister Irene. The hell of it was branded into his mind and would replay itself over and over again. He hated Vecchio for what he'd done to him, not just for being there that night to take his sister away, but for making him love him. Frankie couldn't remember when it had happened, if it had been that first time Ray had befriended a lonely, scared 11 year old playing hoops by himself in the schoolyard or the time Ray had comforted him that one night after he'd received one of the worst beatings he'd ever gotten from his father. Frankie had known at a very young age what his father's 'business' was, and had been a witness to some things that children, and adults too, shouldn't have to see. He had also known for as long as he could remember that he was expected to follow in those awfully large, powerful and frightening footsteps. When his father didn't remind him of that fact, Charlie made sure to do so. Sometimes he wondered what his life would have been like if he hadn't been born the son of a mafia boss. He used to imagine that he'd have become a corporate lawyer, his ivy league masters degrees in business and business law would have led him there, instead of just benefitting his father and himself when he graduated and joined the family 'business' full time. He remembered back to when he was 11 years old and just moved into the neighborhood. In his last school no one had truly been his friend, mostly because they all knew who his father was and were afraid of him. He'd tried so hard to show he wasn't a monster too, but they still wouldn't have anything to do with him, unless he made them. In his new school the same thing was happening all over again. But this time he'd gotten lucky and found someone who actually enjoyed being with him for who he was, not who his father was. Ray had just been his friend - his soulmate - Ray understood and knew what it was like to have an asshole for a father. Frankie had realized a short time after their initial meeting, that Ray didn't have any idea who Frankie was in connection to the neighborhood and he liked that. That just endeared Ray to him more, because he felt he'd gotten a friend for who he was not who he was supposed to be. It wasn't too much later though that he found out, but it didn't change anything between them, Ray stuck by him and treated him as he'd always done before. Frankie was so tired, his eyes drifted shut... He was 13 years old again and shaking uncontrollably in fear as his father's fist again connected with his jaw. "Frankie I can't believe you're my son. You're weak, disobedient and a coward. Your behavior at dinner was definitely unacceptable. Don't ever, EVER, ignore my will and follow another's again. *Especially* in front of my associates. By doing so you shame me and the family." The rest of the lecture was physical rather than verbal after that. When his father had finally left a terrified and brutally battered Frankie to cower in the corner of his room, there was just the sound of quiet sobbing left to be heard now. No one in the house was coming to make sure he was alright. They were all afraid of his father too and Frankie felt so terribly alone and in pain both emotionally and physically. The room was dark except for the moonlight streaming in through his open window. He could feel someone's hand on his arm. In a panic he thought it was his father again as he quickly tried to strangle his crying which wouldn't stop - his father had beaten him one other time for crying and told him that if he were to be an effective leader of the family 'business' some day there was no room for tears or compassion. Frankie backed away flinching, waiting for another blow for not minding that other lesson. When the blow didn't come and he heard the soft concerned voice of his friend trying to talk with him he had been so relieved. Ray sometimes snuck in through his window to visit with him, he must not have heard him creep in. "Frankie talk to me buddy. Come on. What happened? Are you ok? Frankie?" Ray turned on a light on the bedstand and when he approached Frankie again he couldn't help but take a sharp intake of breath at the sight of his beaten and bloodied friend. He sat down next to him and lightly placed an arm around his shoulders. "Oh god Frankie. Did he do this to you? That bastard. I want to kill him." Frankie quietly slurred through split, bloody and swollen lips. "Stand in line." Ray got up and went into the bathroom attached to Frankie's room and came back quickly with towels and a first aid kit to help clean and patch up his friend. Frankie let him nurse him, surprised at how gentle and compassionate his friend could be as he wiped the blood from his face, dabbed antiseptic - which hurt like hell - on the open cuts on his face and lips and removed his bloody shirt from him. Ray winced at the bruising that was deepening on his friend's chest and abdomen, especially when he saw an extremely nasty one, that when he touched it made Frankie gasp out in excruciating pain and had him in tears again. Ray, although he'd barely touched him there, thought it was his fault that his friend was sobbing again and was beside himself as to what to do. He knew Frankie needed medical attention, probably had a broken rib or something. He instinctively just reached out and gently embraced Frankie, softly whispering and soothing, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. Its ok. Its gonna be ok."... The dream changed and he was laughing with Ray over some adventure or another they'd just had, as they approached the house. Frankie stopped laughing when he saw his sister at the top of the front steps smiling over at them. She came running over to claim Ray from her brother as usual and Frankie felt bereft and jealous when Ray's attention turned immediately to her. She had Ray's hand in her's and was pulling him away. Frankie wanted so badly to grab Ray's other hand and pull him his way, it would be appropriate he thought because that's what was happening now - he was in a mental tug-of-war with Irene, competing for Ray's attention and affection. Ray was 'his' friend and she was taking him away from him. Outwardly he pretended that it didn't hurt to see them together like this and plastered on a phony smile when they kissed in front of him as if they hadn't seen each other in months rather than just a couple of hours after school. Seething inside he made some lame excuse they probably didn't hear anyway and left their nauseating presence. As he passed by them, he wished he were in Irene's place right now and the thought disturbed him. He wasn't supposed to feel this way... if his father even had an inkling of this thought of his in regards to Ray, he'd never make it to his next birthday. The dreams wouldn't leave him alone... Now he was reliving that fateful day he and Ray had ended their friendship. A day that hurt them both more than Ray would ever realize. Frankie had been getting more and more jealous of Ray's spending time with Irene and not as much with him. The only time he ever really got to have Ray to himself away from Irene was when they played basketball. Ray had been drifting from him lately in other ways besides his dating Irene. They were growing in different directions it seemed and the dream they once shared of his taking over his father's 'business' and Ray being his right-hand was starting to tarnish. It worried him and he knew he would have to test his friend's loyalty to him soon. The opportunity presented itself one afternoon after an abyssmal game of basketball. Frankie had lost some money on the game due to a flunky acquaintance of Ray's named Marco. Ray had always complained to Frankie that Marco was the extra shadow that seemed to follow him everywhere, no matter how much he tried to shake him loose. Frankie was angry enough at the loss of the game and the money - he hated to lose; angry enough at the strengthening relationship between Ray and Irene - he hated this feeling of jealousy and desire for another of his own sex; angry enough that Ray was slowly drifting away from him - he needed to reaffirm his faith that Ray would stick by him no matter what; that before he even realized what he was doing he signalled Vito and Jimmy "Roastbeef" to hold Marco down and began to pulverize him. He couldn't stop himself, the anger and violence within him once released was out of his control. *His father was right there was no room for tears and compassion* he remembered thinking as he continued his grizzly game. He hadn't been paying attention to Ray's reaction to this once he started. When he finally let up on his victim he threw the ball to Ray to finish the game. What he saw was a face that used to look on him with friendship and camaraderie now staring at a bloody ball in shock, then turning those beautiful expressive eyes to stare at him with fear, disgust and loathing. He'd had little to do with Ray after that. They avoided each other as much as possible. Frankie had learned to harden himself with this incident, throwing himself more into the role he was expected to play after that. His father had noticed the change in him and actually seemed pleased at this. Frankie was glad to see that although the basketball incident with Marco had split up his and Ray's friendship it had the added benefit of causing a split between Ray and Irene as well. That ought to hurt Ray just as bad as Ray had hurt him he figured... They'd gone a number of years without having had anything to do with each other. Frankie had gone east to an ivy league college for a few years. He knew Ray had become a cop in that time. Frankie fooled himself into thinking that his keeping discreet tabs on Ray was for necessary information, especially later when Ray would nose around too close to something illegal that Frankie, although his involvement was layered and made to look distant from it, had going on. But these times never amounted to Ray making any connections with him until the shoemaker incident. His dream changed to another time almost a year ago... Frankie still wasn't sure of why he made it Ray's business to find the pesky shoemaker for him. Perhaps it was seeing him again so close, yet unattainable, with that handsome mountie friend of his that sparked it. His more recent reports of Ray had told of the mountie and his close friendship with Ray. He had to admit to himself a certain envy of the mountie's relationship with him, which sounded like one Frankie once had and now missed. When Frankie had entered St Michael's he noticed, without showing he noticed, that Ray and his mountie friend Fraser had been in the church when he entered it. He could recognize Ray's voice anywhere without turning around, as he talked and laughed with father Behan upstairs in the choir balcony. He knew Ray hadn't noticed him there or maybe he had and was just trying not to pay attention that Frankie was there with a neighborhood business owner. Frank had come here with the man for a private safe meeting to discuss the terms of a 'deal' the man had been unsatisfied with. When the shoemaker had stolen the money Frankie had placed in the poor box as he left the meeting and the mountie suddenly jumped down from the balcony in pursuit, that's when Frankie had decided to pursue his own game of yanking Ray's chain by pressing charges, thereby forcing Ray to find the shoemaker thief on his behalf. The thought of forcing Ray to bend to his will, trapping him to work for him, really appealed to and amused him. Seeing Ray in his home again was a kick for Frankie and he played it up to the hilt, knowing that Ray would rather be anywhere else but in his home *helping* him. He could see that his so-called friendly attitude and casual remarks like 'We have a history." and "Your mother and sisters don't walk by that church?" had had the effect on Ray that he wanted. The comments had been a dig and reminder that they weren't strangers or from different worlds as Ray wanted to pretend they were; that at one time they had been as close as brothers and had shared a common dream of the same world. Having Ray's mountie friend there to witness the interplay between them was an added bonus, in that it made Ray feel uncomfortable that his connection to Frankie was being revealed. Frankie now recalled the events of the shoemaker incident further and remembered how far he was willing to go to hurt Ray. The mountie was a puzzle and a nuisance to him. He didn't behave like all the other cops Frankie had ever come across, he couldn't quite get a handle on what motivated Fraser or what his agenda was. When he ordered Charlie to deliver a message to Fraser with a beating and then death, he'd done it as a last resort measure, because the mountie was too clever, getting too close and hard for Frankie to predict and manipulate. Fraser's death would also have the added benefit of hurting Ray deeply. Ray would be allowed to survive, he could be beaten up if he interfered, but his standing orders were not to kill him. Those orders almost changed the night Ray came to the gym to play their most brutal 'one-on-one' game ever. Ray had come to make a 'deal' with him and release his anger at the Marco incident which had happened so many years earlier. Frankie smiled in his sleep picturing Ray coming into the gym; he'd been so brave, fiery, passionate and every bit as he remembered him from when they were kids. It surprised him how turned on he was by Ray's raw barely controlled emotion when he first entered. He wanted him so badly then and stupidly was willing to send his men away to be alone with him. When the beating began, he couldn't believe at first that Ray was doing this to him. Ray who had hated Frankie's father for doing this same thing to him and had wanted to kill him for it. Ray's face and fists became those of his father, but this time after the beating there would be no Ray to comfort him. He'd fearfully given in to Ray's demand to leave the shoemaker alone. Angry at Ray for treating him like his father had treated him, he'd found the courage to send Ray out of the gym with a threat on his life 'I didn't say anything about your bein' safe.' He hadn't gotten the response he'd expected, that being a response of fear for his life, instead it was a brave, self-assured sounding 'I didn't ask for that.' Ray had won that round of 'one-on- one' and Frankie was left again with the confusion of how he could love and hate this man at the same time. He was at war with himself at wanting to retaliate and in the end came to the realization that Ray wouldn't have to fear death by his hand. The memories of a young boy that still resided within himself, had been strong enough to keep Ray safe from that extreme for now... However, that was to change with the events that interrupted his dreams now. This scene came to him every time he fell asleep, it would replay itself and haunt him. Frankie had been wrongly accused of planting a bomb in Ray's car, which ended up killing a friend and coworker of Ray's in the process. The evidence that pointed to Zuko's involvement was too ludicrous to believe and Frankie wasn't that sloppy when it came to his ordering a person's death, especially in this case a death that he didn't want to happen. He had always just wanted to hurt Ray for leaving him, not kill him. At the birthday party it had disgusted him when Ray and Irene blatantly and openly picked up where they left off in their relationship. It was a nightmare to see them dancing and then kissing in his presence, at his party, in front of everyone - his friends, family and associates. The feelings of jealousy and anger at their 'love' dug into him worse than any dagger ever could. Ray had managed to hurt him more with this display and taking up again with Irene than the beating he had given him in the gym a number of months earlier. Later came the frame-up by his own men to make it look like he'd been the one to blow up Ray's car and cause the death of that other cop. Frankie's world was unravelling and he tried so hard to patch it up, amazingly the mountie was the only one trying to help him. Not that he wasn't grateful to Fraser, but it pleased him when he realized that the mountie had hurt his friendship with Ray by doing so. Now came the dream scene that haunted him daily. Not even his father's angry voice echoing "no room for tears or compassion" was working. When he'd seen Irene leaving the house to go to her 'lover' he was incensed. If he was denied Ray, then never would he allow his sister to have him. When Ray unbelievably ran into the house to retrieve her and run off, he found that he'd been pushed to his limits and before he knew it, he had a gun pointed at someone who angered and frustrated him, but he never wanted dead. He still was having a hard time reconciling what happened next. The pain of seeing Ray and Irene together at the top of the stairs; chaos as someone ran at him from behind; the gun going off and the return fire; then Ray's anguished heartbroken cry as he carried a dying Irene quickly out of the house. The bullet that was killing her was taking Frankie's life along with it. Ray's tortured face and cry had forced him to see the depth of Ray's love for Irene, and in that moment he examined inside himself the depth of his love for Ray. What he saw in there overwhelmed and berated him for the amount of pain he'd caused. Inside was a well of 'tears and compassion' come too late. It had been building up secretly for years, overflowing its edges - drowning him. Two days ago Huey had told Ray about Frank Zuko's suicide. Ray thought he'd be happy that he was dead, but there was a part of him - the still lingering memories of a young boy - that felt sympathy for that sad pathetic man, who had once been his friend. It didn't last long though when he remembered a brutalized Marco, a beaten up Fraser and especially Irene's dying body in his arms. He was sifting through his mail on the desk, when he came across a plain white envelope with no return address. He opened the letter and found a small slip of paper inside: Dear Ray, I'm sorry. Love Frankie Ray felt as if his throat was closing as he swallowed hard at the lump that had formed there, but within a few seconds he had the paper balled up in his hand. The words, *Two points*, came unbidden to his mind as he watched it arc and land smoothly in the circular waste-basket by his desk. Ray was the lucky one - he was just at the top of the stairs of the basement with his hand on the doorknob opening the door to get out, however, Frankie had retreated as deep as you could go in the basement of the soul. THE END