And A Heaven In A Wild Flower	

 Well here I am again in cyberspace with another story. Its called AND A
HEAVEN IN A WILD FLOWER. Its around 12 pages by my text reader. 

 *Warning* it is sad and it is tame m/m. 

 This story is dedicated to Karen Rossi, who snuck a story idea she had in
the PS of an email she wrote me a while back. Sneaky lady hunh?;-) Here's
what she said to me: 

 "I had a story idea! Benny dies and Ray mixes his ashes with wildflower
seeds and sends just a handful in the wind across Chicago (the rest to the
Territories) and beautiful flowers grow in the cracks of the sidewalks
where the seeds have found purchase. People pass by the flowers, not all
notice them, but those who do feel a little more happy and hopeful and are
changed in some way, if only a little... Please, please don't tell me if
it is a stupid idea or if you laughed out loud when you read it!!!" 

 Guess what Karen? I didn't think your story idea was stupid and it didn't
make me laugh. I liked it so much - as you already know since I gave you a
preview - that it inspired me to write this story. So if those of you who
read this now like it, you have her to thank. She has my thanks for
sharing her idea with me. Comments are always welcome. Desi Dsrvbf@aol.com


 AND A HEAVEN IN A WILD FLOWER 

 The green Riviera respectfully slowed, gradually coming to a stop for the
last time in its accustomed spot outside the Canadian Consulate. Out of
the corner of his eye Ray looked briefly over to the front door of the
familiar building and imagined he saw his friend sentried there, when he
caught a glimpse of a serge uniform. His breath caught at the sight, his
mind tricking him for a second, until he realized another had already
taken Fraser's place. Taken his place as sentry there only, because no one
could ever truly take his place. 

 Ray let out a heavy breath, resting his head and hands on the steering
wheel, steeling himself for what was to come next. His right hand moved
and trembling slightly came to rest on the object that was seated next to
him. Its where *he* always sat. *His* place by his side. 

 Ray closed his eyes for a few minutes and pictured once again his friend
there with him. Images of Ben floated past his mind's eye in which his
lover was alternately pensive, serious, frowning, smiling, giggling,
laughing, sincere, trusting, caring, loving. "Oh Benny." He whispered with
such want tinging his choked voice, as he reached out once again to try
and touch him, but only came in contact with the solid inanimate object
beside him. 

 Opening disappointed sad eyes he placed both hands on the urn, pulling it
reverently to himself. His fingertips gently and slowly caressed the cold
metal wishing it was his lover's hair, his face, his body. 

 His new companion of a never ending ache - an ache which was a mix of
missing the sight of him; the sound of him; the feel of him; the smell of
him; the taste of him... *him* - settled in instead. All his friend once
was was now just encapsulated in metal and memories. 

 A sympathetic whine from the back seat brought him back to his purpose.
"Yeah I know. You miss him too. Come on Dief. Time to say good-bye." The
last part of this was so hard to say out loud and he just about lost his
resolve. A wet snout nuzzled him gently, making him scratch behind the
wolf's ears briefly, then exited the car with Diefenbaker following close
on his heels. 

 He carefully removed the lid. It was practically empty of its precious
contents already, since Ray had released most of his friend's ashes near
his home in the Northwest Territories. The RCMP buried their own and there
had been a touching ritualistic service and a marker for Ben in his native
country. So many people had attended, that the small RCMP chapel couldn't
contain them all. At the appropriate time Ray had been allowed to give a
eulogy. It had been shorter than he wanted - anything he said would have
been too short he figured - feeling that nothing he said could truly
encompass everything Ben had meant to him and those around him. He could
barely get through it without breaking down completely, but somehow he'd
managed to stay in control, for the most part, in front of them all. 

 Ray had only just returned from Canada today with his mother. The rest of
their family and Ben's Chicago friends, had left shortly after the
ceremony. There'd been another service before this one in Chicago,
arranged by himself and Father Behan at St Michael's, for those who wanted
to pay their respects, but couldn't make it to Canada. Again the place had
been packed with everyone whose lives Ben had touched in one way or
another. So many, in such a short time. Five years in Chicago wasn't long
enough. His life with Ben in it hadn't been long enough, but his love for
him would last a lifetime, if not longer. 

 In Canada, after the RCMP memorial, his mother had insisted on staying
with him the extra time it took for him to clear up some of the legalities
as executor of Ben's will. He hadn't wanted her there to see him when he
finally lost it over Ben's death, because he could feel it coming in a big
way. Afraid in his grief he'd reveal too much of what he'd shared with
Ben. He didn't want to have her disapproval or disgust to contend with
right then on top of everything else, since she still didn't know that
they had been lovers, or so he thought. 

 They'd gone to stay at Ben's rebuilt cabin, which had been left to Ray to
keep or do with as he chose. He decided to keep it, since they had rebuilt
the cabin together as a labor of love last year. It was there that his
mother confronted him, by letting him know she knew that Ray had loved Ben
more than just as a friend. Hearing her say it and accept it, as she
pulled him close and held him, broke him as he finally released his
overwhelming grief. He'd sobbed himself to sleep in her arms as she rocked
him, comforted him, cried with him and told him she'd love him always. 

 Now that he was back, the city seemed foreign to him without Ben there.
Since there was no body, just ashes, Ray had been allowed to keep the urn
temporarily and dispose of the ashes in the manner Ben's will requested.
The urn would be returned to rest with the RCMP back in Canada again when
the task was through. 

 There weren't many, if any people about now, so he stuck his hand into
the urn, something that he gave little thought to in regards to what he
was touching. Once before he might have been creeped out by this, but
*this* in his hands now was Benny and he wanted to do this one last thing
for him. Earlier, on impulse, he'd mixed in with the ashes a packet of
wild flower seeds that Frannie had on her greenhouse balcony. 

 Dief kept pace with him as he periodically placed his hand in and then
released the combination. Added to the mix was a silent lone tear, as he
left his somber trail behind him. The wind slowly blew the ashes and seeds
from his hand as he walked the path his friend had walked so many times in
the past. As he walked he recalled with a shiver the events that led to
Ben's death. It was something that haunted him daily and he hoped would
lessen in intensity and pain with time. 

 He savored the memory right before the tragic incident. Remembering once
again the passionate love they'd made, then came the warmth of his lover's
body curled up comfortably against him within the protection of his arms.
If only he could have truly protected him from what was to come soon
after... 

 ******************* 

 Ben had fallen asleep before him and Ray was on the verge of following
suit, since he was being lulled by Ben's soft breathing and the rhythmic
fall and rise of his chest beneath his hands. Sleepily kissing the back of
his lover's neck, that's when he noticed the smell of smoke. Shifting
slightly to look over to the door, he saw a little bit was seeping in from
underneath. He shook his partner. "Benny! Wake up! Fire!" Ben was
instantly awake and hastily dressing. Ray had reached for his cell phone
on the bed sidetable and was calling it in, as he tried to quickly pull on
some clothes at the same time. Ben was ahead of him and feeling the back
of the door. Nodding over to Ray he signalled that it wasn't hot as Ray
then hung up the phone. Ben went to the sink and soaked a couple of
towels, handing one to his partner. They left the apartment together and
began rousting Ben's neighbors on this floor from their beds. 

 In the excitement of the events, Ray still couldn't remember precisely
when it was they became separated. The last he could recall hearing his
friend's voice nearby was when Ben tried to calm one of his neighbors, an
old Ukrainian woman who barely spoke english. She was panicky and
terrified to leave her apartment. 

 When he realized that's where the fire was emanating from, Ray had gone
to the 2 floors below to warn and see that the people there had all left
the building. As he was about to descend the stairs, he'd enlisted Mr
Mustafi's aid in warning as many of their neighbors on the floors above
them as it was physically safe for him to do so. He was satisfied that
everyone else on this floor was headed towards the fire escape. 

 The fire had started on the first floor and was quite a blaze when he'd
finally gotten to that level. From what he could tell it seemed as if the
tenants on this floor had all gone, especially when he ran into a few
stragglers who assured him of this. He could hear the fire engine sirens
outside the building and the sound of the firemen entering. 

 As he was headed back up to Ben's floor he felt a firm hand on his arm.
"Sir? You're going the wrong way." Ray shook his head rasping out through
a smoke sore throat. "You don't understand. I've got to know he's not
still up there." Ray wouldn't back down and continued to try to walk with
the strong hand digging into his arm. The fireman became more insistent.
"Sir. I'll forcefully carry you if you don't come with me now. Joe here
will check on your friend. What floor is he on?" 

 Ray's eyes reflected his worry and need to go to Ben. There was a sick
feeling in the pit of his stomach that his lover hadn't yet left the
building. The grip on his arm was like a vise now and the man was making
motions to carry out his threat, making Ray rapidly give Joe the
information of where he'd last seen and heard from Ben and a quick
description of him. "Don't worry. I'm sure he's already out of the
building." Ray nodded dumbly, wanting badly to believe him, but knew his
lover all too well and his heroic nature. As Ray left with the one fireman
he called to the other. "If you see him. Tell him Ray's alright and to get
his butt outside or I'm gonna be pissed. Got it?" He was rewarded with a
hand swinging behind Joe's departing back with a thumbs up signal, to let
him know he'd been heard. 

 Outside now, he flashed his badge and was allowed to stay closer to the
building than the others. He made the circuit of faces standing outside
watching as the building blazed, but not finding the one he most wanted to
see. He felt a hand on his shoulder. "Ray?" He turned to find the fireman
named Joe behind him, then his stomach flip-flopped when he looked past
Joe's shoulder to see the stretcher. His heart raced wildly as he ran
towards it with Joe at his side. "He's as stubborn as you are. He wouldn't
believe me that you were alright. Wants to see for himself." Ray managed
to choke out a "Thanks." 

 Seconds later he was following the side of the stretcher looking down at
his badly burned lover. "Benny I'm here. I'm alright." Pained blue eyes
latched on tightly to his green ones, clinging to him like a lifeline with
that penetrating gaze. They only had eyes for each other then, as
everything and everyone around them seemed to fade away. Since he wasn't
stopped, on autopilot he entered the ambulance with the paramedic assigned
to Ben. He tried to stay out of the medic's way, but at the same time made
sure Ben knew he was still there. 

 Ray was afraid to touch him, the hideous burns over the expanse of Ben's
body deterring his wish, until he felt fingers weakly moving near his arm.
Ray gently placed his hand palm up on the side of the stretcher,
manuevering it so Ben could touch him. He couldn't grasp the hand as he'd
wanted, when he'd seen the burns on the backs of Ben's hands. Ben's palm
lay on top of his own, a couple of his fingertips lightly rubbing him. Sad
eyes started to open and close now, as Ben fought to keep awake. 

 As the ambulance sped into the night, Ray bent down and with his other
hand touched his lover's face where he found a spot which hadn't been
hurt. As he touched him there, Ben sighed contentedly, then lost the fight
to keep his eyes open. Leaning forward Ray came close to Ben's ear and
spoke loud enough for him to hear. "I love you Benny. Always have and
always will." 

 Ray was relieved when he realized his friend must have heard him, because
there was a smile now at his lover's lips. Shortly thereafter, he heard
the tell tale sign of Ben's departure, seconds before the alarms from the
machines hooked to him did. 

 ********************************************* 

 Ray's vision was blurred as he neared the burned out remains of Ben's
apartment complex, which marked the end of his unhappy task. Reaching into
the urn once more he took out the last hand full and released it, then
turned the metal container over to let the rest go. With a sad half smile
he spoke softly. "Here ya go Benny. I've brought ya home again. Be at
peace. I'll always love you. Good-bye." 

 ********************************************* 

 1 week later... 

 On his way to meet with Fraser's reporter friend MacKenzie King during
his lunch break, he unthinkingly drove through Ben's old neighborhood. He
wanted to avoid this part of town since the day he released Ben's ashes
there. Ray thought he'd never come to this part of the city again. The
memories here, admittedly mostly good because they all revolved around
Ben, however were still too painful. 

 He didn't look as he passed the burned out hull of the building that took
the life of his best friend. As he drove he realized he'd been going
around in a zombie-like state ever since. Nothing seemed real to him any
more. He felt as if he were just going through the motions of life, rather
than living it as he once did before. When he was truly alive was when Ben
was with him. Right now was just half- life. 

 Everyone had been good to him, even Frannie, since Ben had died. But
nothing and no one could really help ease the depression he was in.
Instead of being cranky and obnoxious as he once might have been when he
was upset, he was quiet, introspective, subdued and sad. So very sad. 

 He knew he was worrying his family and yesterday Welsh had offered him
more compassionate leave, if he wanted it, but he didn't take it. He
wanted to keep working. Its what Ben would have done in his place. It also
kept some of his mind on other things rather than the tragedy that
followed him awake or asleep. 

 His boss also highly recommended that he see the police psychiatrist,
stating that his work was adequate, but that he was concerned about him.
That he looked tired and Welsh gently teased that he hadn't once
threatened a felon yet or picked on Huey. Welsh had also offered to let
him keep Diefenbaker with him at work if he chose to. Saying that the
precinct had gotten used to having the wolf around, but Ray knew it was
his boss's way of letting him keep a reminder of Benny with him to help
comfort him. This permission without asking for it was a relief to him,
since he and the wolf had been sticking to each other like glue anyway.
The transference of loyalty to him by the wolf seemed natural and in its
way helped ease some of the pain. 

 He almost passed by his stop, Sal's Diner. That's where he agreed to meet
MacKenzie King. Finding a place to park, he instructed Diefenbaker to wait
for him, then left to enter the diner. MacKenzie waved him over to her
booth, and he noticed there was an elegantly dressed man with his back to
him seated with her already. He didn't realize they wouldn't be the only
one's at this lunch meeting. 

 "Hello Ray. How are you?" She spoke compassionately. Ray shrugged. "Hi.
Ok I guess. Hello Dennis." This last he said when he recognized the other
member of their lunch party, as he sat down in the booth facing the super
from Fraser's apartment complex. Dennis had trouble meeting his eyes, as
he responded back. "Hello Detective Vecchio." Ray noticed they had drinks,
but no meals yet, when the waitress came by to give him a menu. He took
it, but knew he wouldn't get anything. He wasn't hungry; had barely eaten
for a while now. 

 MacKenzie looked apologetic as she spoke again. "Ray I hope you don't
mind, but I invited Dennis to join us for lunch. Actually, he's the reason
I invited you to lunch..." Dennis interrupted her. "Don't be mad at Ms
King. I asked her to. I was afraid you wouldn't come if I'd asked." Ray
furrowed his brow in puzzlement. "Why wouldn't I? Didn't you get my
message that I wanted to see you at the hospital? By the way how are your
hands?" Dennis looked surprised. "No?" Pulling out his bandaged hands from
under the table, which had been hidden purposely before. "Getting better
thanks." Ray half smiled, happy to hear that Dennis was alright, but at
the same time sad to see a reminder of how the man had been hurt. "Good. I
left you a message, because I wanted to thank-you." It was Dennis' turn to
look puzzled. "Thank me? I thought you'd hate me." Ray shook his head.
"No. Thank-you is right. I heard what you did for Benny. That you burned
your hands trying to help put him... out." the last part of the sentence
almost wouldn't come. 

 Dennis looked down, still unable to look Ray in the eyes. "It was my
fault in the first place. I got myself trapped in that damn utility room.
If it hadn't been for Fraser pushing me into that crawl space and covering
the opening with his body, I'd be dead right now. I owe him so much. I owe
him my life. So you don't hate me?" His eyes looked imploringly over to
Ray, wanting forgiveness, absolution, something from Fraser's best friend
that would help ease the guilt he was feeling that such a loved and
special man like Constable Benton Fraser was dead. 

 During their interchange, MacKenzie remained unnaturally quiet, except to
tell the waitress to bypass their table for a while, as she listened to a
part of the tragic story she hadn't been privy to before, unfolding right
in front of her. To the two men seated with her, it was as if she weren't
there with them as they continued to say things which needed saying to one
another. 

 Ray shook his head. "No. I really don't hate you. You're a good man
Dennis. I told you that once before. You just needed Benny to help you
realize that fact. Most of us did. Me included. Besides I know Benny. You
couldn't stop him from being heroic and self-giving even if you tried. And
believe me there were a few times I tried. They were a couple of his best
traits and worst flaws. Its just how he was. Ya know?" 

 Dennis nodded and half-smiled. "Yeah I know. So did the whole tenement.
Hell the whole neighborhood. He was well loved and respected by everyone
there because of that self- giving to people regardless of who they were.
He's gonna be missed for a long time..." There was an awkward heavy
silence then, which MacKenzie broke a minute later. "Dennis? Why don't you
tell Ray why you brought us to lunch." 

 Dennis and Ray looked thankful for her intervention, then Fraser's
ex-super spoke again. "Um... Ms King already knows about this, since I
filled her in a little bit over the phone earlier and before you came in."
MacKenzie perked up at being mentioned and a part of the conversation
again. Ray looked as if he just realized she was still there with them
when he glanced briefly over at her saying. "Yeah. I'm here. I'm
listening." MacKenzie smiled as she cut in. "I think you're going to like
listening to what Dennis has to say." 

 Ray was incredulous at what he was being told now. Apparently Dennis was
millionaire apartment owner Potter's nephew and closest living relative,
thereby his heir as well. His being family to Potter was something that
Ray had never known, especially at the time of the eviction fiasco that
Dennis had been messed up in over three years prior. He found out that
Dennis hadn't known he was heir to Potter until 2 months ago when his
uncle had needed to be placed in a nursing home, due to his hidden for a
while Alzheimer's disease becoming more advanced. They'd never been close
in their relationship, hence his having no real loyalty to him at the time
Ray and Dennis had first truly met under strained circumstances. Not being
close to his uncle and because of the eviction incident, it had come as a
shock for him when he'd been placed in such a powerful position as granted
by his uncle's living will. 

 Once the groundwork had been laid down, Dennis, with MacKenzie's excited
intervention every now and again, led to one of the primary reasons he
wanted to speak with Ray. Ray's jaw dropped when he heard Dennis'
proposal. 

 "With your permission - both because I know you are Constable Fraser's
best friend and his executor - I'd like to donate the land and insurance
money from the apartment complex to the city to build a community center
there in his name. I'd like it named the Benton Fraser Community Center. A
place where he can continue to help people posthumously. I've already held
a meeting with the tenants of the old apartment and they unanimously
agreed with this. Many of them have already found new places to live,
those who hadn't I've taken into two other apartment complexes my uncle
owned in the area. Mr Mustafi even set an example of volunteering right
away his time to help with the project as did quite a few of the others.
Please say yes." Again his eyes pleaded with Ray, this time for his
approval. 

 Ben's life had touched and influenced so many, that to hear how they
wished to carry on with good deeds where he'd left off, by offering and
volunteering for this community center on his friend's behalf, had him
speechless. MacKenzie lightly touched his arm in concern, when he hadn't
responded after an adequate amount of time had passed. "Ray? Are you ok?"
Ray nodded dumbly still reeling from everything he was hearing.
"Mmmhhhmm." She looked eager. "Well? You haven't answered the man yet."
Ray smiled broadly then. "Benny would love this. Except for he'd be humble
about the naming of the center. It would probably embarass him, but I'm
the one approving this and I had a secret pleasure in embarassing him
sometimes anyway. So yes you can use his name for the center with my
blessing. And MacKenzie you can quote me for him. Because I know he'd say
'Thank-you kindly.' and so do I." 

 The lunch hadn't really happened - much to the waitress' chagrin until
Dennis left her a very healthy tip - but something more important had
occurred here. Ray couldn't help smiling thinking about the proposed
center and how pleased it would have made his friend. Ray volunteered to
help as well in getting it organized and started. It was the least he
could do as Benny's representative. He liked the sound of that - 'Benny's
Representative'. They left each other a short time later, with a promise
to meet again, along with some others. MacKenzie stated she'd go back to
her newspaper that afternoon and push them into giving the center and this
story coverage. 

 MacKenzie was quickly ahead of them out the restaurant door and into her
car, before Ray got to his. Dennis called over to Ray to wait as MacKenzie
pulled away from the curb waving to them as she left. Ray had just opened
the door and was petting the furry head that poked out to greet him when
he turned around. "Yeah?" Dennis looked sheepish and awkward. "Ah... I
didn't want to say this in front of Ms King earlier, but I wanted to talk
to you today for another reason as well." 

 Ray gave him a curious look. "Oh?" Dennis looked about him to see if
anyone was near enough to overhear. Ray noticed the movement and prodded.
"What's so secretive?" Dennis spoke quietly. "When we were alone together
in the utility room and I thought we were both goners. But somehow he
didn't. He had such incredible hearing. He must have heard the firemen
nearby, because he called out at one point. But still he made me promise
that I'd give you a message if he didn't make it. He said to tell you he
heard you and these are his words not mine - 'I'll be out when I'm damn
well ready.' - and to make sure I followed this with telling you he loved
you very much." 

 Ray closed his eyes briefly and took in a sharp breath to calm himself.
Hearing the message he knew then how close to Ben he must have been and
hadn't realized it. He was thankful that Dennis was sharing this with him,
especially Ben's words. Dennis was still talking. "I'm so sorry. I'm
really so sorry. I knew you were close friends, but I didn't know you were
that close until then. That's another reason why I thought you'd hate me.
No one knows. Do they?" 

 Ray shook his head sadly. "Just my mother and you now." Dennis spoke
compassionately. "I'll keep it that way. No one will ever hear it from me.
I am sorry." Ray nodded curtly, to help keep a tight rein on his emotions,
when it was safe again he spoke. "Yeah I know. I meant what I said. You
are a good man Dennis. Stay that way. Thanks for everything and for
telling me." They said their farewells, then Ray drove off a couple of
minutes later passing a limousine that Dennis was entering. 

 As he headed back to the precinct, he felt a little bit lighter. The
familiar pain was still there, but somehow the burden of it didn't seem to
weigh as much as it did before he entered that diner. He purposely drove
by Ben's old apartment complex on his way and this time looked over to the
ruined building, but in its place he imagined a new one with his friend's
name on it and smiled bittersweetly. "Yeah you'd like this wouldn't you
Benny?" He said out loud. Then drove the familiar path towards, then past
the consulate, contentedly smiling when he noticed a couple of the wild
flowers had started to sprout. 

 ********************************************* 

 One year later... 

 Ray had just completed a volunteer stint at the Benton Fraser Community
Center. He'd been coming here at least once a week since the place opened
to lend a hand in whatever way they needed. As he exited the building, he
noticed a haggard looking woman wearing large dark sunglasses to hide a
bruise. She had a young child in tow as she approached him. The young girl
bent down to pick up a beautiful red and gold flower. "Look mama. I pick
it for you." The woman smiled radiantly at the special gift, lifting her
daughter into her arms and hugging her tight, noticing at the same time
the sign to the community center. "Thank you sweetheart. Its beautiful.
Just like you." 

 Ray had heard a few people in the neighborhood, specifically Jessie and
Jerome, and others at the center remark curiously about the unusual
flowers that seemed to come from nowhere one day and grew in cracks of
sidewalks near the center. He never revealed his secret knowledge of where
the flowers really came from. Maybe some day he would, but not yet.
Instead he enjoyed listening to the stories they'd share about the way the
flowers made them feel or their theories on where they came from. 

 He remembered one day when he'd sat at a second floor window here just
people watching for an hour. Curious to test his own theory. He watched as
people would pass by the flowers, not all noticed them, but those who did
all got that same look - that little more happy or hopeful look. Some even
claimed they had been led here for help by the flowers; that the flowers
in a sense had helped change them for the better in some way. He liked to
think the flowers were a way Benny could talk to them. Talk to them down
deep; letting them know someone cared or someone would listen or someone
would help. Also to remind them that there was goodness and beauty out
here if you just looked. 

 With Dief by his side, he smiled at the mother and daughter as they
walked past him and the door of the center. As he got in his car, he
couldn't resist looking in the rearview mirror, knowing almost without
having had to look, that the woman would turn around. He was rewarded with
the sight of her hesitantly entering the building. Ray spoke under his
breath. "You hooked another one Benny. Take care of her. I'll see you
again soon. I've got to go to work now... Ugh! Why do I let you do this to
me?" The exclamation came when he realized that he was compelled to get
out of the car, go back to the center and make sure the woman and her
daughter got the help they needed. 

 ********************************************* 

 Like the beautiful wild flowers stubbornly continuing to grow and
multiply where they found purchase in the cracks of the sidewalks - from
the Community Center to the Consulate, slowly trying to spread beyond as
well - so too had the generosity and good sown from seeds Ben had left
behind with these people he once called his neighbors and friends and one
very special one - his lover. THE END 

 "To see a World in a grain of sand,
 And a heaven in a wild flower,
 Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand,
 And Eternity in an hour."
 William Blake (Auguries of Innocence)