Resemblance Of Sanity      Resemblance Of Sanity

 by Snowee

  

 Author's website: http://snowee.50megs.com

 Disclaimer: Due South belongs to Alliance. Velvet Goldmine belongs to
Miramax. Most of the important bits came in a series of dreams so blame my
subconscious.

 Author's Notes: "Fluff and love" really should be a warning.

 Story Notes: Velvet Goldmine

 This story is a sequel to: Mangle Your Mind, Wild Justice, Decadence
Spiral 

 

 Chapter 1
 Ray Kowalski felt something outside of his dream tugging him to reality.
He was sure it wasn't morning yet so he fought hard, but the cold fingers
on his upper arm and the slight shaking continued. 

 A single word broke into the darkness of his dead sleep. "Ray." Still he
ignored it. The shaking got harder and he heard his name again before
managing to murmur a sound. "Mmm?" was the extent of his vocalization as
he began a strange dream where he thought he was paralyzed while he
struggled hard to move his limbs. 

 The breath on his ear brought him further from sleep as he heard his name
a third time. The cold fingers dug in slightly and the hand shook him
harder. 

 All at once, he flipped back. "What?" he snapped. Opening his eyes, he
saw someone leaning over him. It took a moment for him to remember that
Curt had bleached his hair after letting it grow out again and that's what
he was looking at. "What the fuck?" he snarled, rolling back over and
tucking the pillow under his head as he closed his eyes. 

 "Happy birthday," Curt said. 

 Ray was quiet a moment. He opened his eyes, glad that the clock faced him
so that he could read it without moving. The unfortunate part was that it
was a blur until he blinked six more times. 12:01 with a dot in the upper
right corner to signify the AM. He groaned. "I was born at whatever time
my alarm goes off. Leave me alone." 

 "But I have something for you." 

 Ray rolled onto his back. "Give it to me tomorrow." 

 "It is tomorrow." 

 "Fuck off," Ray grunted. 

 "Come on, Ray. You'll love it. I promise." 

 "And I promise to love it in the morning, but right now I think I might
hurt you." 

 "I can't wait until morning." 

 "Curt," Ray begged. 

 "Ray," Curt responded with an equally beggin tone. 

 Ray grunted again and faced Curt. He stared for a minute into Curt's
excited face, then pulled one of unhappiness. "Come on, Curt. Sleep.
That's all I want for my birthday." Curt continued to look at him, so he
reluctantly sat up. 

 Curt got out of bed and walked into the living room. When he returned, he
had a box wrapped in Sunday comics with a duct tape bow. Setting it on the
bed, Ray stared at the wrapping before ripping into it. Finally making his
way to the box itself, he opened it to find it packed with newspaper. He
let out a stray sigh as he dug through. On the bottom was an envelope. He
pulled it out and stared at it. "You woke me for an envelope?" 

 Sitting back on the bed, Curt waved at the envelope. "Open it." 

 Ray began to tear open one end. "What could you possibly have gotten me
in an envelope that couldn't wait?" He reached into the envelope and
pulled out two plane tickets. 

 Curt spoke as Ray read the tickets. "The sunrise in Jamaica." 

 Ray stared. Finally he managed to speak. "I can't go." 

 "Why not?" 

 "I have to work tomorrow." 

 "See, that's where you're wrong. I called Fraser and he called Francesca,
then he got Francesca to convince your Lieutenant into giving you the time
off." 

 "What?" 

 "You heard me." 

 "How? Do they know? Did she ask..." 

 "Oh, come on. I know the dynamics. Fraser will do anything for you,
without question, just like Francesca would do for Fraser. It worked,
anyway." 

 Ray stared at the tickets. "What makes you think I want to go to
Jamaica." 

 "Because that's where I'm going?" Curt said playfully. 

 Frowning, Ray dropped the tickets and laid back down. "When do we leave?"
he asked sleepily. 

 Curt climbed over him and poked Ray's forehead. "In an hour. Get up." 

 Ray grunted. "When are we really leaving?" 

 "When the plane takes off which is scheduled in one hour. Get up. I'm not
fucking with you." 

 Ray rolled over, rolling Curt off as he stared wide eyed. "You're joking.
There's no time to pack. Why did you let me go to bed in the first place?"


 "I already packed. Packed bags for us both and hid them in the closet." 

 Ray sighed and sat up. "You didn't even leave us time for check in at the
airport. You know it takes forever to get through there," he grumbled as
he got up and started to dress. 

 Curt moved up behind him, tickets in hand. He wrapped his arms around Ray
and pointed at the tickets. Ray stared an instant, then grabbed the
tickets again. "First class?" 

 "You know, the beauty of making more than you spend is being able to give
your lover a great birthday without wondering if your next paycheck will
cover the debt," Curt explained. "The hotel's on the beach. I already
ordered a fruit basket to keep up our strength so I can fuck you morning
to night," he murmured as he planted lips to Ray's neck. 

 Ray turned and put his arms around Curt, kissing him slowly. "You're
crazy, you know that?" Ray whispered as Curt's lips moved to his ear. He
felt Curt nod into his neck before pushing him back toward the bed. As
Curt fell on Ray, Ray pushed him. "What are you doing? We don't have
time." 

 "We always have time," Curt said softly as he tugged down Ray's waistband
and licked his way down Ray's abdomen.	Ray dropped the room key in the
ashtray on the table before turning to Curt. Curt smiled and took off his
shirt. "Ready to see the ocean?" Ray asked. 

 Curt crossed to the window and pulled the string on the roman shades,
revealing their ocean view. Turning back wordlessly, he moved back toward
Ray. He reached around and grabbed Ray's ass, then kissed him hard.
Guiding him to the bed, Curt pushed Ray onto it, then climbed on top. 

 "You didn't bring me all this way just for this, did you?" Ray asked. 

 "Yes, actually." 

 "We could do this at home." 

 "True, but not without risk of interruptions and certainly not with this
view." 

 Ray chuckled. Curt pushed Ray's shirt to his neck, then began kissing
Ray's chest. Ray let out a breath, turning his head to watch the ocean
waves. Sighing, he placed his hand on Curt's head and played with his
hair. "I swear the bathrooms in that plane were bigger than the one on the
flight from New York," he observed. 

 Curt looked at him. "They were. They were first class bathrooms." He then
smiled and started licking Ray's abdomen. 

 Looking out the window, a brightly coloured bird flew by. Ray shifted.
"Beautiful view," he said softly. 

 "Me or the water?" Curt asked. 

 Ray lifted his head and smiled, looking into Curt's eyes, then pulling
his body up so that he could kiss his lips. "You," he murmured just before
their lips touched.  Fraser stepped up to Ray's desk and sat, placing his
hat on his lap. Ray looked up and grinned. "Morning, Fraser," he greeted. 

 "Good morning," Fraser returned, then leaned forward. "How was Jamaica?" 

 Ray shrugged. "Fine." 

 "Nice, warm weather, I presume?" 

 "Sure," Ray answered vaguely. 

 Fraser paused. "Did you see anything interesting?" he pushed. 

 Ray met his gaze, winking as he smiled broadly and spoke. "The inside of
the hotel room. Well, that and the airport. Could see the water through
the window, though." 

 Fraser licked his lower lip and stared at his hat. "Sounds like a
wonderful time," he remarked sincerely. 

 "It was," Ray responded, then looked up to see Francesca approaching. 

 Francesca met his gaze and smiled. "How was Jamaica?" 

 "You knew where I went?" he queried. 

 "Yeah. It was part of the deal. So who's the anonymous gift giver?" 

 Ray shrugged. "No one you know," he responded as he looked back at his
paperwork. 

 Francesca leaned forward, placing her hands on the desk. "Good looking?" 

 Ray debated not answering, but decided it was vague enough. "Yes." 

 "Good to you?" 

 "Very." 

 "Good," she responded as she turned to leave. "Maybe someday we'll get to
meet this mysterious donor." She winked at Fraser and left. 

 Chapter 2
 Curt's birthday followed Ray's by only a few weeks. After Ray's birthday,
he felt pressed to be brilliant. In the end, the DVD player he gave Curt
just didn't seem sufficient. 

 Curt grinned. "But it doesn't matter, Ray. It's great. I can get all my
favourite movies and we can buy porn that will never wear out." 

 Ray shook his head. "Stop joking. I'd have taken you somewhere great, but
that would have been lame too. I just didn't know what to get." 

 Sliding closer, Curt wrapped his arms around Ray. "You can still take me
somewhere." 

 "Where?" 

 Warming Ray up with a kiss first, Curt pressed his lips to Ray's, then
pulled back slowly. "The Underground." 

 Ray sighed, pulling away from Curt's embrace. "Look, there's a lot of
crime down there. Anything could happen. I just don't want someone I
recognize..." 

 "I know, I know." Curt shifted. "I'm just tired of being your dirty
little secret, Ray," he added, trying to seem distracted as he spoke under
his breath. 

 "You knew going into this that this was the way it had to be." 

 "Yeah, and making that decision was a lot easier two years ago, but now I
wonder how long we can go on like this. We can't share with anyone. Fraser
finally came around, but he still doesn't like talking to us. Your mom,
God love her, just wants to feed us and your dad can't even be in the same
room with us both for more than five minutes. I'm tired of hiding out at
home and pretending I don't have a life when I'm at work. It's time, Ray.
It's time to trust people." 

 "I trust people, Curt, but this isn't something I can just flaunt. I
still work in a place where Tuesday morning is about Monday's football
games and how many women you fuck is a reflection on how you'll handle a
criminal." 

 "It's not like I'm asking to fuck you in the middle of the station!" Curt
snapped. "I'm talking about a club. A place where you'll have the same
dirt on anyone you see there that they'll have on you. It's safe." 

 Ray looked away, then back at Curt. "But you never know what will
happen." 

 "That's exactly right, Ray. You never know. So let's take our chances."
Curt moved up to Ray again and pulled him close. "For me." He kissed Ray's
neck. "For my birthday," he added last as he kissed Ray's lips. 

 Ray groaned and mumbled, but finally agreed.  It took Curt nearly an hour
and three shots of tequila to get Ray to relax. Before long, he had him on
the dance floor instead of looking over his shoulder. Curt had been
jumping around, freely reliving his youth, but as he started to get
winded, he slowed. He didn't let himself think about the last time he'd
gotten tired at a club. Instead he moved closer to Ray and moved with him.


 "See? This is fun." 

 "Yeah," Ray agreed. "I guess it is nice not worrying so much." He moved
to the beat, backing up as Curt's body touched his. He backed himself into
a pillar, then held still as Curt pressed his body against Ray, a certain
protected comfort coming over Ray as Curt kissed him. Ray wrapped his arms
around Curt and held him there, his tongue slipping into Curt's mouth. 

 Detective Jack Huey waved as his partner entered the bar across the
street. Letting out a breath, Jack entered the club. The first person he
talked to was the bouncer. They were interviewing regarding an assault
that had been reported and as Jack asked questions, he learned it had been
much more than a little skirmish. 

 The bouncer sent him to the bartender who had witnessed the entire event
much earlier in the evening. After his statement, the bartender pointed to
a black haired man on the dance floor who had been watching from the bar. 

 Huey nodded, thanked the bartender, and started across the floor, his
eyes focused on the dark haired man. The movement around him occasionally
bumped him around, but he kept his footing and continued on. Then someone
bumped him hard, pushing him into someone else. He looked at the person
who had bumped him. 

 "Sorry!" the man offered, then turned back to the group he danced with. 

 Huey waved and turned to the person he'd bumped into, watching as the man
pulled away from a kiss and looked at him. He pushed a lock of blonde hair
from his face as Huey spoke. "Sorry, man," he said quickly, then his eyes
focused on who the blonde man had been kissing. 

 Ray caught his breath as he straightened then swallowed hard, wondering
if he could will himself to disappear. His mind immediately concocted a
tale that would only work if Huey hadn't actually seen them in a lip lock.
All he could actually manage was to stare until Huey finally said
something. 

 Huey waited for several seconds. He wondered if he should pretend he
hadn't seen Ray, then wondered why Ray wasn't talking. "Hey, Kowalski." 

 "Hi." 

 Huey watched Ray lick his lip before he took a step closer, placing him
beside Curt. Ray tried to step back, but was reminded of the pillar at his
back. Huey grinned vaguely. "Problem?" 

 "Uh, no," Ray responded. "Uh, Jack." 

 "Hey, good start. I'm Jack. You're Ray. This is?" he asked, looking at
Curt. 

 Curt held out his hand. "Curt," he said. 

 "You look familiar," Huey commented. 

 "Don't know why I would," Curt said, letting go of Huey's handshake. 

 Huey smiled, then touched Ray's shoulder. Ray jumped to the side, but
Huey just shrugged. "Want to go outside and talk?" he offered. 

 Considering a moment, Ray nodded. He had to straighten this out, beg
Huey's silence before it got too late. Following Huey from the club, Curt
on his heels, they stopped just outside. Curt stepped away from the pair
and lit a cigarette, giving them space as he smoked. 

 Ray cleared his throat loudly. "What brings you down here?" he asked. 

 "There was a big fight earlier. Couple guys ended up in the hospital so
Welsh sent Dewey and I down to ask around." He paused, watching Ray twitch
nervously. "I'm not going to say anything." 

 Ray let out a breath, relief apparent in his expression. "You're not?" 

 "No." 

 Ray perked up. "Thanks, Huey. I mean, I just don't want you to think
anything, you know? Sometimes it's dark and you can't be sure what you saw
so I don't want you saying anything." 

 "Why would I start now?" 

 "What?" 

 "Why would I say something now? Trust me, Kowalski. It's not a big deal."


 "Why do you use the word 'now'?" Ray pressed. 

 Huey shrugged. "No reason." He paused. "Just Francesca and I were talking
once and she made some points and I realized she might be right. But I
figured if you weren't ready to come out, who was I to say anything?" 

 Ray blinked. "Francesca?" Shocked, he couldn't manage anything else. 

 Huey furrowed his brow. 

 "How many people are talking about this behind my back?" 

 "Far as I know, it's just me and Frannie. Look, Kowalski, Frannie and I
didn't see any reason to make this into an issue. All that accomplishes is
gossip and people expecting us to say the things about you that they'd be
saying. We're friends, though, and neither Francesca nor I want to do
that." 

 Ray turned his head, looking at Huey from the corner of his eye. "What
makes you so accepting?" 

 Huey shrugged. "Been around the block." He looked over his shoulder.
"But, look. Dewey hasn't and I don't think he'd be quite so willing to
turn a blind eye. Maybe you'd better go back inside." 

 "What about you and this case?" 

 "I'll handle it - and Dewey." 

 Ray glanced at Curt. "No, we'll go. You won't have to worry about keeping
Dewey away from us." He sighed. "Thanks, Jack. Didn't figure on you being
such a good guy." 

 Huey spread his arms. "Me? You know I'm a fucking saint." He chuckled.
"Night, Kowalski." 

 "Night," Ray breathed. "And remember to keep this quiet." 

 Huey cocked his head. "Don't worry. Won't be asking about your personal
life again." He faked a shudder and turned. "I don't want to know," he
added as he crossed the street.  Sitting at the dining table, Ray Kowalski
finished his morning coffee and glanced at Curt again. Curt brought a
spoonful of cereal to his lips, stopping to smile when Ray looked at him.
Ray looked away, stood, and crossed to the kitchen. Rinsing his mug, he
set it beside the sink and turned. "What?" he snapped. 

 "What what?" Curt remarked innocently. 

 "You keep staring at me." 

 "I always stare at you, Ray." 

 Ray leaned on the bar. "I know, but not like that. Not like you're ready
to pounce." 

 "I always look at you like I'm ready to pounce." 

 Sighing, Ray shifted. "No, I mean pounce with words. Just say it.
Whatever it is." 

 "Nothing. I wasn't going to say anything." 

 "Then stop staring at me like that." 

 Curt chuckled. "Like what? I was just admiring." 

 "You were not, you were debating." 

 "Nope, just imagining." 

 "Imagining what?" 

 Curt smiled seductively. "Nothing," he breathed. 

 Ray sighed and stood before the door. Putting on his sport coat to block
the cool spring air, he touched the doorknob. "I have to go to work." 

 "I know," Curt responded. Ray opened the door, stopping on the threshold
as Curt spoke up again. "Think you can get away for lunch?" 

 Ray turned. "Probably." 

 "Alone?" Curt specified. 

 Ray pondered. He knew Fraser was coming in to work with him, but he could
probably lose the Mountie. "Yeah, sure." 

 "Ok. I'll see you at that Euro wrap place we've been going to." 

 Ray half smiled. "Ok," he responded and closed the door.  Ray bit into
his wrap and pushed the food to one side of his mouth. "You know, I'm
surprised how good these are. I mean, I know we came here for privacy and
everything, but these are fucking good." 

 Curt chuckled. 

 Taking another bite, Ray cocked his head. "What?" 

 "What what?" Curt said. 

 Ray sighed, audibly announcing his annoyance. "You're doing it again.
Would you please just tell me what's on your mind?" 

 "Who says anything is on my mind?" 

 "Because you are staring with a grin that doesn't say you want to fuck,
but it also doesn't say something bad happened. It does, however, scream
that it's something big." 

 "How do you get that from a look?" 

 "Because we've been together for more than five minutes. What's up?" 

 "Nothing. I don't want to talk about it." 

 "Nothing you want to talk about," Ray murmured, setting down his food and
glaring. 

 Curt leaned back, half smiling. "What do you want me to say?" 

 "I don't know! Fight back or something. It's been a week since we had a
good fight, I don't remember the last time you spent a night out alone or
you let me go off on my own, and the sex has been oddly ambitious - did
you cheat on me again?" 

 "No!" 

 "Are you sure?" 

 "I swear!" Curt chuckled. 

 Ray furrowed his brow. "Then what? You've been acting strange and now
you're staring and it's making me nuts." He paused. "Is that the goal? To
make me crazy?" 

 Curt chuckled. "No, no. Nothing like that. Nothing manipulative or
secretive. I'm not trying to change you in any way, shape, or form." 

 "Ok, so what is it?" 

 "It's something I'm afraid to ask you because I don't know how you'll
take it. It's something I never thought I'd say." 

 Ray leaned forward. "Don't make me beat it out of you." 

 Curt grinned as he leaned in, then reached across the table to take Ray's
hand. "I want to get married." 

 Ray stared. "Huh?" 

 "I want us to put together a little something to commit completely to
this for the rest of our lives." 

 Sighing, Ray leaned back slightly. "Look, I'm already committed to you,
you know that." 

 Curt shook his head. "No, you're not. We keep saying we're here because
this is what's right for us, but we never talk about what might be right
in the future. I'm saying to you that I know this is right for me forever
and I'm hoping you think so to." 

 "I do." 

 "Ok, so let's get married." 

 "You forget it's not legal in Illinois." 

 "I'm not talking about that," Curt explained. "Just a little thing where
we stand before our friends and family and..." 

 "You want to do this in front of people?" 

 "Yes and..." 

 "You don't expect me to tell people - because we've been over this." 

 "No no no. We'll have Kathy and Jack and Francesca, plus a couple of my
old friends." 

 Curt's excitement was growing and spilling onto Ray, but Ray tried to
resist. "I don't know if this is such a good idea," Ray said. 

 "It is. It really is." Curt squeezed Ray's hand. "Come on. You know you
want to." 

 Ray laughed. "What is this? A dare?" 

 "If that'll make you do it, then yes." 

 Looking around the place, Ray let out a breath. "Ok, I'll think about
it." 

 "Thinking is good. Yes is better." 

 "I'll think about it," Ray insisted. 

 Chapter 3
 Curt wrapped his arm around Ray and pulled him close, the bedroom still
smelling of their sex and both bodies still warm. Curt flattened his hand
over Ray's chest and kissed the back of his neck. "I had a few ideas. I
wanted to run them by you, but if you don't like them, that's ok. Just say
so, all right?" 

 "Ok," Ray responded, snuggling his back against Curt. 

 "I think we should go to the jewelers and pick out rings, but what we
should do is pick out a ring we'd want for ourselves. You pick something
that is just like you and you wear it. Then in one year, we have the
ceremony and exchange the rings. We can get them resized if we have to.
See, I'm thinking that then we could look at the rings and they wouldn't
just represent the commitment, they'd remind us of the other person. A
part of you would always be with me." 

 "That's..." Ray paused. "Sweet," he breathed at last. 

 "Too sweet? It was just an idea." 

 "No, I kind of like it," Ray responded. "Makes us a little different." 

 Curt chuckled. "We are a little different." He cleared his throat. "And I
want to move." 

 Ray rolled onto his back. "What?" 

 "I found this great place. It's a little bigger and a lot nicer. It's got
a fireplace and we could stand on the hearth when we exchange vows." 

 Staring a moment, Ray finally sat up. "So this is a good place for us to
get married?" 

 "And live." 

 "What if I had said no?" 

 "I knew you wouldn't." 

 "Ok, but what if I did?" 

 "Then I'd have taken you there anyway. You'll love this place. It's
really great. There are so many windows and a balcony. It's not a lot more
than what we're paying here." Curt paused. "Ok, it is a bit more, but not
more than we can afford together, by any means. So what do you say? Can we
go look at it?" 

 "I don't know when I'll have time today..." 

 "You said you weren't working Wednesday so I made an appointment to look
at it at 10 am." He saw that Ray was wondering how he could make an
appointment without knowing Ray's answer so he shrugged. "I figured I'd
cancel it if you said no, but I really want you to see it. If you hate it,
that's the end of it." 

 Ray sighed. "All right. I'm braced. What's the next surprise?" 

 "What next?" 

 "They always come in threes. What else do you want to change about our
lives?" 

 "Nothing." 

 "Really?" 

 Curt shook his head. "Not a thing. I want us to move and get married and
that's it." He moved over Ray and began kissing him as he continued. "I
don't want to change anything about you or me or us. I just want a bigger
place and I'm thinking about the future. That's what all this is. It's
making it so we never have to think about these things again."	Stepping
into the spacious room, Ray had to admit the place was nice. Even Curt's
description hadn't done it justice. To the right was a fireplace with a
hearth made of polished stone. To the left, nearly the entire wall was
windows. 

 Ray looked ahead to the kitchen characterized by a bar and a countertop
with a stove beside a fridge across from it. He crossed the hardwood
floors toward the doorway, glancing at the spiral staircase in the center
of the room. "Bedroom through here?" he asked. 

 "No, that'll be more like my studio or something," Curt corrected.
"Bedroom's up there," he remarked, pointing up the stairs. 

 Curt followed Ray up to the second level where there was another wall of
windows and a skylight. "We can't possibly afford this," Ray said. "What
if something happens?" 

 "I got a good deal, Ray. Used my connections. Come on. Don't worry about
money. You like it?" 

 Ray turned around once before going to the window and looking across the
city. "It's really classy," he said. 

 "Yeah, but do you like it?" Curt pressed. Ray stared at him a moment,
then nodded. Grinning, Curt stepped up beside Ray, holding him close and
kissing him hard. "I'm glad."  Ray looked down at the white and yellow
gold band on his left ring finger. He took it off and moved it to the
right. He was still looking at it when Curt stepped up beside him. "You
thought about size?" Ray asked. 

 "Yeah. We can get them resized after the wedding," he remarked. Ray took
off the ring and set it on the counter. Curt lifted it and put it on his
left ring finger. "Did this fit?" 

 "Yeah." 

 "Hmm." 

 Ray looked at Curt's finger. "Fits you?" 

 Curt nodded. "Maybe we could wear it on the right until next year. That
might make it interesting. We could wear them right up until the moment we
exchange them." 

 "Don't care," Ray said. 

 The man behind the counter took the ring as Curt set it down and put it
back in the display. "It doesn't take long to resize and we'll do the
first resize at no cost to you," he commented. 

 Ray half smiled. He looked back in the case, then across at the older
woman who had entered. Glancing at the salesman, he waved to him. "We
could use a few minutes to look." 

 The salesman grinned. "Of course. My associate should be finished with
his break soon. I'm sure he'd be happy to help you if you're ready before
I finish with that customer." 

 "Thanks," Curt said as the man walked around the counter. 

 Curt looked into the case as Ray moved up beside him. "This is more fun
than I thought it would be." 

 Smiling broadly, Curt touched Ray's arm and moved closer, pressing his
body against Ray's. "Yeah?" 

 Ray nodded and kissed Curt. "Mmm," he murmured. 

 Curt kissed Ray's neck as Ray watched the man. The salesman glanced up,
giving a look of annoyance before going back to the older woman. Ray took
Curt's face in his hands and kissed him hard, turning and pushing him
against the counter, loudly humming into Curt's mouth. Resisting the urge
to chuckle, Curt put his arms around Ray. 

 A moment later, there was a voice behind them. "Can I help you?" 

 Curt turned quickly and Ray smiled. "Sorry." 

 The man shifted. "My name is Chris. Have you been helped?" 

 "Uh, we were, but we needed a moment alone to..." Ray began, but drifted.


 "Think," Curt added quickly. 

 "Yes, well," Chris paused. "Well, if you'd like to see something or try
something on, we can do that. Have you had your fingers sized?" 

 Ray nodded. "I did, but he didn't. Also, I'd like to see that one," he
said as he pointed to the case. 

 An hour later, they'd both chosen rings and left them to be adjusted to
the right size. Leaving the jewelers, Curt followed Ray to the driver's
side and kissed him before walking around. "I don't think that guy thought
we were very cute," he observed, chuckling. 

 Ray got in and waited until Curt closed his door. "I don't know. He kept
looking at your ass, but I'm not sure he appreciated the kiss." 

 "That's what I meant." Curt paused. "Looking at my ass, huh?" he asked.
"I still got it." 

 Ray chuckled and started the engine.  By the end of the month, Curt and
Ray were moving things into their new place. Fraser came over one evening
to help move some of the furniture, but this night they were alone. 

 They'd put the bed together and as they both worked together to make it,
they kept staring at each other. Once it was made, both stripped down and
laid on it. Curt brushed his hand over Ray's face. "You happy?" 

 "You know I am," Ray said, closing his eyes as he felt the metal on his
cheek. It was warm like Curt's hand, but the texture was different. He
placed his hand on Curt's chest. "It seems like another life." 

 "What does?" Curt asked as he shifted closer. 

 "That day we met. When I left, I felt like I was leaving a whole life
behind, but it was just a few weeks. A few weeks from the day we met." 

 "But you were smart enough to already know we were in love." 

 Ray scoffed. 

 "I'm sorry," Curt said. 

 Ray smiled vaguely. "I didn't understand things then. God, I was such a
nave kid." He paused. "Do you think we'd be here now if those things
hadn't happened?" 

 "I don't know," Curt remarked. "Things could have gone a thousand ways,
you know? Any path might have brought us here or not." 

 Ray pursed his lips, looking down at his hand on Curt's chest a moment.
"I don't think I would have appreciated love if I hadn't had to live
without it." He said. Meeting Curt's gaze again, he leaned in and kissed
him. "I swore off marriage after Stell." 

 Curt smiled. "Good thing I came along and fixed you, huh?" 

 Laughing, Ray bowed his head, shaking it. "Fixed me? I think you just
turned me upside down." 

 Putting his fingers under Ray's chin, Curt lifted his head again. "You
did the same thing to me. You did it to me back then and I didn't know how
to accept it." He kissed Ray. "Now it's being without you I don't want to
accept." 

 Ray smiled and kissed him back. It lasted longer as they suckled each
other and Curt shifted over Ray, laying him on the bed. He ran his hands
up Ray's body and rested them on his face, pushing his tongue into Ray's
mouth and feeling hands on his back. A moment later, he stopped. 

 "What?" Ray asked breathlessly. 

 "First time we're going to make love in our new place," Curt commented.
"Feels like we should have champagne." 

 "Don't need it," Ray breathed as he grabbed Curt fiercely and pulled him
into an even more passionate kiss. 

 Chapter 4
 Curt lay in bed, staring at the dim moonlight that had pressed its way
through the curtains. His hand ran up and down the bed, feeling for a body
that wasn't there, a body he missed greatly. 

 Ray had been on nightshifts for nearly a month. In two more days, he'd be
back to the sunlight shift and Curt would get to see him more. On the last
day they had off together last week, they'd both mentioned how relieved
they'd be when this was over and they could return to a normal schedule. 

 Still, Curt missed Ray in their bed at night. At first it was hard to
sleep alone, but after a few nights, he'd reluctantly gotten used to it.
Part of him hated those first few nights he slept through the night and
woke the next morning, rested and alone. Now every night passed that way. 

 Except tonight. He wasn't sure why he'd woken nearly an hour ago, but as
he ran his hand over Ray's side of the bed, he wished he wasn't alone. He
wanted someone else to suffer with his insomnia. Finally, he sat up and
rubbed at his eyes. He still felt tired, but sleep wouldn't come back. He
looked at the clock again. 57 minutes had passed since the first time he'd
looked after waking. Every minute passed like hours. 

 Shifting to Ray's side of the bed, Curt lay back again. He pulled the
blankets over his shoulder, then wrapped his arms around himself. Tapping
himself with his right ring finger, he felt the metal. The 36 days that
had passed seemed like a moment, but he already had nervous habits for the
ring. He closed his eyes. 

 Startled to life by the sound of the phone ringing, Curt reached onto
Ray's nightstand and answered. "Hello?" he asked as he rolled over and
realized only six minutes had passed. 

 "Curt?" came the female voice. 

 Curt quickly calculated possibilities, but before guessing who it might
be, he needed more information. "Yes?" 

 "You don't know me. I'm Francesca Vecchio." 

 "Frannie, sure. You work with Ray. He talks about you all the..."
Suddenly Curt sat up. "What is it? What's wrong?" 

 "There was a mix up. They called here looking for Ma, but as soon as we
straightened it out, I realized they meant Ray Kowalski." 

 "Who's they? Is he all right?" 

 "And then I realized they're going to call his parents and I didn't know
if anyone would call you," she continued nervously. 

 Curt's breathing got louder as he waited. He knew what the words would
be, but he couldn't believe them until he heard them come from her lips.
Now he waited patiently, knowing the harder he pushed, the sooner he'd
hear them. 

 "They took Ray to the hospital about an hour ago," Francesca began as
Curt's hand flew to his chest. He felt his heart tighten. "I think
Fraser's on his way. Huey and Dewey..." 

 "What happened?" Curt breathed. 

 "I don't know. Ma wouldn't tell me anything. I'm going over too." She
paused, listening to the heavy breaths. "I just thought you should know." 

 "Th... thanks," Curt breathed, realizing his hands were shaking as he
tried to hang up the phone.  Like a whirlwind, Curt ran through the doors
of the emergency room and grabbed the attention of the nearest person in
scrubs. "Ray Kowalski?" he demanded. "I need to see him." 

 "Patient?" the woman inquired. 

 "Yeah," he responded. 

 She pointed to a counter and he crossed to it. "Ray Kowalski. Where is
he? Is he here?" 

 The woman behind the counter leaned back and looked at the wall with a
gridded board. "Are you family?" she asked. 

 "Yes," he responded. 

 "I'll see what I can find out. Why don't you sit and wait." 

 "Sit and wait? I don't know what the fuck happened! I can't..." 

 "Sir, calm down," the woman said. 

 "Fuck you!" Curt hollered, reaching across the desk to grab her, but
instead his arm was grabbed. He turned. 

 "Calm down or we'll call security," said a tall man in scrubs. 

 Curt took a breath. "Sorry," he said, then looked at the woman. "Sorry."
The tall man let him go hesitantly as Curt ran his fingers through his
hair. "It's just that I don't know anything and..." 

 "I understand, sir, but the lady said she would find out. Why don't you
have a seat and try to calm yourself. I'm sure everything's fine," said
the man. 

 "Curt!" 

 Curt spun. A dark man sat on a gurney partly hidden by a curtain halfway
down the hall. It took Curt several moments to realize that the man waving
him over was the man he'd met in a club a few weeks before. He started
down the hall as the doctor wheeled his stool back beside the black man
and started doing something to his arm. 

 Approaching, Curt watched the doctor stitching the man's bloody arm. He
furrowed his brow. "Doesn't that hurt?" 

 "I'm pretty much numb from the neck down," the injured man said. He saw
Curt looking confused. "Jack Huey. Detective Huey." 

 "Jack, that's it. I'm sorry. I forgot the name." He wanted to ask about
Ray, wanted to demand if necessary, but the thought crossed his mind that
if Ray was better off than Jack, the question would seem callous. "You all
right?" 

 "Yeah, yeah," Jack said. "How did you know we were here?" 

 "Francesca called. There was some mix up? I don't know." 

 "Oh God. Mrs. Vecchio must have thought Ray was dead," Huey breathed. 

 Curt's eyes widened, his heart jumping into his throat. 

 "No, I mean, her son Ray." Huey paused. "Another Ray." 

 Curt swallowed. "What about my Ray?" he asked. "Is he...?" 

 Huey glanced down at the stitches for the first time. "Don't know.
Haven't heard anything yet." 

 "Is it - is it bad?" Curt asked quietly as though the volume might change
the answer. 

 Meeting Curt's concerned gaze a moment, he looked down. "I don't know how
bad," he replied. 

 "But it's bad," Curt confirmed. 

 Huey looked up. "Yeah," he breathed. 

 Curt clamped his jaw shut and rubbed his forehead. "Where is he?" 

 "I'm not sure. They took him that way," Huey responded, pointing to his
left. 

 Curt watched left a moment, then realized it was where all the serious
cases were going. "What happened?" he asked. 

 "We were on a bust. Ray and Dewey went in. I was right behind and the
team was after us. Ray was cuffing a guy when another came out of nowhere
and began firing. Dewey got hit, too, but I think only once or twice. I
tried to get out of the way and ended up falling through some broken
floorboards." 

 'Began firing'. The words rang through Curt's head a couple more times
before he could speak again. "He was at least wearing one of those
bulletproof vests, right? Please tell me he was." 

 "Oh yes. Standard procedure. Nothing could have gotten through the Kevlar
vest," Huey assured him, though he'd seen it happen. 

 "You seen Barbara or Damien?" 

 "Ray's parents?" Huey shrugged. "Nope. No sign of them yet." 

 "Fraser?" 

 Huey shook his head. "Knowing the Mountie, he's walking." 

 Curt nodded. "I have to know. I have to find something out. Fuck," he
breathed, reaching into his pocket. His hand came out and plugged a
cigarette into his mouth. 

 Huey lifted his good hand to stop Curt just as the doctor turned. "You
can't smoke in here!" the doctor said, horrified that Curt would try. 

 Curt took out the cigarette and shook his head. "Sorry. Wasn't - wasn't
thinking," he mumbled. He stood a moment longer, then looked at Huey. "No,
I need this. I'll be outside," he breathed as he stuck the smoke back in
his mouth. Mumbling over it in his mouth, he instructed Huey to send
someone out if they knew anything about Ray then he headed for the doors. 

 After two cigarettes, Curt began to relax. He lit a third with the butt
of his second and puffed slowly. Two figures rushed toward him and it
wasn't until he realized they aimed for him and not the entrance that he
recognized them. 

 "Curt!" Barbara said, immediately hugging him. 

 Surprised, Curt patted her back, then shook his head once as she pulled
back. 

 "Is he all right?" she asked. 

 "Don't know," Curt said. "Don't know anything. Been waiting, but no one
can tell me anything." 

 "We tried to call you before we left, but there was no answer." 

 "Francesca Vecchio called me," Curt explained. "She didn't know if anyone
would." 

 "It wasn't my choice," Damien said. 

 Curt looked away. 

 "Damien," Barbara scolded. She looked back at Curt. Seeing the hurt and
fear, recognizing it as a mirror to her own feelings, she touched his
cheek. "He'll be all right," she said in the comforting tone of a mother.
"Let's put that filthy thing out and go inside," she added as she took his
cigarette. 

 Curt couldn't help smiling. Somewhere along the line, he'd become another
son in her eyes - someone she had to take care of and fuss over just like
she fussed over Ray. She stubbed the cigarette into the gravel filled bowl
over the garbage can like a pro, then put her hand on Curt's back and
guided him inside. 

 Barbara walked to the counter and announced that she was there to see her
son. The woman asked for a name. She gave it and the woman looked at the
board. As she looked back over the counter, she noticed Damien on one side
and Curt on the other. "As I told him earlier, we don't have any
information, but if you'd like to wait in chairs..." 

 "He is my son. I need to know something. Anything," she demanded. 

 "Ma'am..." 

 "He is my son!" 

 The woman looked at the three a moment, then stood. "Please, have a seat.
I'll get someone right away, all right?" 

 Barbara nodded and watched as the woman turned and talked to someone
reading a chart. A moment later, the person reading a chart set it down
and walked away. She sat down again. "I've sent someone to handle it," she
explained, waving to the rows of seats. 

 "Thank you," Barbara said politely as she turned. The three went to the
chairs and sat down. 

 Curt tapped his foot anxiously. He reached into his pocket and played
with his lighter until a man in scrubs came toward them. "Kowalski?" 

 Barbara stood first, Curt right behind. "Yes?" she confirmed. 

 "I'm Dr. Fastina." The man looked at Curt, then back to her. "Would you
like to go somewhere private?" he asked. 

 Damien moved beside Barbara. "No," she said. "Please, tell us if he's all
right." 

 The man cleared his throat and already Curt felt his chest tightening
again. "We can't give you much information at this time. He sustained
several gun shot wounds to the body and we're doing everything we can..." 

 "Everything you can means you can't save him, doesn't it!?" Curt blurted
out. 

 The doctor instinctively reached out and touched Curt's arm, calming him.
"Not necessarily. Look, your - son," he said, looking back at Barbara.
"Your son lost a lot of blood. Some of the injuries are severe. It's
impossible for us to say yet what the diagnosis will be. I can assure you
that we're doing everything we can and as soon as he's stable enough,
we'll move him to surgery where he'll get the best care possible." 

 Barbara nodded slowly, then leaned into Damien. "I need - I need to sit
down," she murmured. "I need..." 

 Damien helped her to sit, then squatted before her, rubbing her hand as
he held it with his other and mumbling reassurances to her. Curt looked
back at the doctor. "We just want to know if he's going to live." 

 The doctor looked at him a moment. "Your relation?" he asked out of the
blue. 

 Curt's mind raced with the truth, but he finally blinked. "I'm his, uh,
brother," he responded. "We're just worried." 

 "I know," the doctor said. "If I had any more information to give, I
would." 

 "You still haven't answered if he'll live. It's a simple question,
doctor." 

 He studied Curt a moment, then glanced at Ray's parents. Letting out a
breath, he took a step back. "Without a simple answer, I'm afraid," he
said softly. "I'll go back in and check on him and I'll be sure to send
someone out to let you know if he's sent up to surgery, all right?" 

 Dr. Fastina left and Curt stood still a moment before looking back down
the hall. He saw Huey sitting on the same gurney, staring at nothing in
particular. "I'll be right back," Curt told Barbara before walking down
the hall. "Jack," he said as he neared. 

 Jack looked up. "Oh, hi. The doctor just went to get... Have you heard
anything about Ray?" 

 "No. Well, yes, but they can't tell us anything. They... they said they
don't know." 

 "Don't know what? Don't know how bad it is? Don't know..." 

 "I don't think they know if he's going to make it," Curt said, feeling
his stomach churn at the words. "Look, we're waiting to find out if they
can even stabilize him for surgery. I'm..." He wanted to say scared, but
he couldn't admit that to a near stranger. "I've been waiting out there
with his parents." 

 Huey nodded slowly. "They said Dewey just got out of surgery. Removed
both bullets and he's resting comfortably. He'll probably be just fine." 

 Curt let out a breath. The name meant little to him since Ray hardly
talked about him. He'd mentioned Huey enough times that Curt knew he
should have remembered his name, but he rarely mentioned Huey's partner. 

 Huey looked past Curt, surprising Curt. "I spy a Canadian," he commented,
then pointed over Curt's shoulder. 

 Curt turned. Fraser looked at him and met his gaze before walking toward
them. "Hello, Curt. Detective Huey. Are you all right?" he asked Jack. 

 Jack nodded. 

 "I saw Ray's parents out there. They told me you came this way," Fraser
said to Curt. 

 Curt nodded. "I was just talking to Jack. Have they heard anything else
yet?" 

 "No. Francesca and I just arrived," Fraser explained. Curt raised his
eyebrows so Fraser felt pressed to explain. "She saw me walking and picked
me up a few blocks from the Consulate. Barbara told us that the doctor had
come out, but he didn't inform them of Ray's condition." 

 "He couldn't say much. He's not sure," Curt responded. 

 "Not sure about what? How bad is he?" 

 Jack spoke quickly so Curt wouldn't have to. "Pretty bad. They wouldn't
confirm if Ray would make it," he said quickly. 

 Curt looked away. 

 Fraser swallowed hard and turned. "I'd better get back to them," he said
solemnly. 

 Chapter 5
 "Mr. and Mrs. Kowalski?" 

 Barbara and Damien stood. 

 "Right this way." 

 "What about us?" Curt asked, standing. 

 The man in white looked at him. "What about you?" 

 "Whatever you have to say about Ray, we have to hear it too," Curt
explained. 

 "I only have his parents listed as emergency contacts." 

 "But I'm his..." Curt stopped and looked at Barbara a moment. "I'm his
brother," he said quickly. She didn't argue so he continued, motioning to
Fraser. "This is his best friend." 

 "I understand, but..." 

 "It's all right," Barbara said. "I know Ray would want them involved and
it's all right with us," she said. 

 "With you," Damien breathed. 

 Barbara turned. "Stop that or I'll take them in and leave you out here,"
she said firmly. 

 Damien rolled his eyes. 

 "I should only discuss his case with immediate family." 

 "But if I want them both there for moral support, can you stop me?"
Barbara asked. 

 Shaking his head, the doctor turned and waved them to follow. "I'm Dr.
Conte. We'll talk a moment in my office, then I'll take you to ICU. We can
only allow one family member at a time and if there are any health
concerns, you should volunteer to stay out of there," he explained, then
guided them into an office. Curt and Fraser stood as Barbara and Damien
took the offered chairs. 

 Dr. Conte sat down and opened the chart. "Mr. Kowalski sustained seven
wounds. His Kevlar vest protected him from fatal injury, but the amount of
blood lost was quite serious. Some of his wounds are very severe." He
paused, glancing up to make sure everyone was still stable. He let out a
breath before continuing. "One bullet grazed his neck, but fortunately it
didn't go deep enough to cause any permanent damage. One lodged beside the
left side of his collarbone, but that was removed. Another went though his
left upper arm without hitting bone, so that was good." He looked up
again. Barbara swallowed as she grasped Damien's hand tighter. 

 "He also received two injuries in the left thigh that were not too
serious. One damaged a bone, but it should heal with minimum permanent
damage." Conte held his breath an instant. Those last words hadn't sent
anyone into a panic so he felt he could manage to tell them about the last
two bullets, the worst of the injuries. He took a small breath before
burying his nose back in the file. "Our biggest concerns were from the two
he received in the lower abdomen," he explained. "One lodged in his right
pelvic bone. This will cause great difficulty in walking for quite some
time, but the other entered below the vest and exited just left of the
spine. The spine is completely intact, but it could take some time before
we know the full effects of that damage. This combined with the pelvic
injury and the shots sustained to his thigh could mean permanent
incapacitation." He stopped. 

 Barbara was leaning on Damien, tears running down her cheeks as Damien
looked somber. Fraser folded his arms, standing like a statue as Curt
stared at nothing, not moving. Conte took in a breath. "Now, we can't say
that there will be permanent damage. Most of these things will improve
with time, but I must prepare you." 

 "How is he now?" Curt said so quietly that Conte wasn't sure who had
asked. 

 "He's stable. He hasn't regained consciousness yet, but the signs are
good that he will." 

 "Can I see him?" Barbara asked. 

 Dr. Conte stood. "Yes, of course," he said softly. He picked up the chart
and took out his pen. Making notes, he glanced at Curt. "You said you're
his brother?" 

 Curt nodded and he made a note. 

 "I can't let best friends in," the doctor explained to Fraser. 

 "Make him a brother too," Barbara said. 

 "I'm sorry?" Conte asked. 

 "Write him down as a brother also," she responded firmly. 

 "Ma'am, I can't..." 

 "Fraser has been my son's partner for years now. He's saved his life and
Stanley has saved his. It is important to me that Fraser be allowed to see
Stan." 

 The doctor hesitated a moment, then made another note. "Right this way,"
he sighed as he guided them out of his office.	Curt brushed his hand over
Ray's. He stared without words until a nurse came in to check his stats.
Curt straightened. "What happened to his ring?" 

 The nurse looked at him. "Pardon?" 

 "He was wearing a ring. It was a platinum band. Where is it?" 

 She looked under the bed and pulled out a white plastic bag with blue
text reading "Property of". In black magic marker, someone had scribbled
"Kowalski" nearly illegibly. She set it on the bed beside Ray. "It should
be in here," she remarked. 

 "If I find it, can I put it on him?" Curt asked. 

 She nodded and went back to work as he sifted through the bag. Finding
the ring at the bottom, he slipped it on Ray's right hand before pushing
the bag back under the bed. She finally left and Curt put his ring against
Ray's, clinking them together slightly. He wanted to say something. He'd
heard unconscious people responded well to familiar voices, but every word
got caught in his throat. All he could do was stare at the man in the bed
and hope those eyes he already missed would open.  It took Curt a couple
of days to feel comfortable talking to an unconscious person, but
somewhere along the line it had gotten easier. "Francesca and Huey pitched
in to send flowers. Can't have them in here so they sent them to me at
home. If you wake up soon, maybe you can get home and see them before they
wilt," he commented. 

 "I called Kathy last night. I knew you'd want me to. I couldn't stop her
from getting a flight. I don't know when she'll be here, but you know her.
I told her not to worry, but she said she can't stay there." He paused.
"Please wake up, Ray. It's been four days. I need you," he said softly,
then laid his head on the bed. "I don't like the things my mind imagines.
I don't like the way it tries to tell me how I'd be if you were gone. I
feel all dark and depressed and it's way too early to lose you. I keep
thinking about what you'd said - about if you never left New York? I think
now if I hadn't let you go, that we'd be together now, but at least we'd
have almost fifteen years together, not just two. Two isn't enough, Ray.
That's why I need you," he added softly before he closed his eyes and fell
asleep.  "Maybe when you're awake I'll have the courage to tell you this,
Ray," Fraser began softly. "I owe you an apology." He stared at the still
form in the bed a moment before bringing his hand up and resting it
lightly on Ray's. 

 "I need you to know that I'm sorry for everything I said, for all that
I've done. I know I made these relationships hard for you by saying all
those things about us and about Curt." Fraser slowly moved his hand over
Ray's, gently touching his hand and wrist. "But I realize now - I've
realized over the past few days that he's all I could want for you." He
sighed deeply. "I care about you enough to want someone who loves you that
much and I had no idea how much that was. Now I see it. Now I see how much
he loves you and I don't think I could even have loved you that much. I'm
not sure I'll ever love anyone that much and maybe I'm a bit envious
because I want that too."  Curt walked into the waiting room with a cup of
coffee and looked around. He rested his eyes on the uniformed Mountie
whose head lolled in the corner as he slept. Sitting in the seat beside
him, Curt tapped Fraser's knee. 

 Immediately straightening to the proper position, Fraser blinked. "What?"
he asked, sounding confused. He looked at Curt and straightened even more.
"Is he awake?" 

 Curt shook his head. "Don't think so. Where'd Barbara and Damien go?" 

 "Ray's mother is in there still and Damien went to the cafeteria." 

 Nodding slowly, Curt leaned forward, his elbows on his knees as he
slouched and sipped the terrible coffee. Most of his hair was pulled back
in a ponytail, but the loose strand on one side fell in his face. He felt
Fraser watching him as he stared at the floor. 

 When his voice finally broke through the silence, it was timid, but
polite. "Are you doing all right?" Fraser asked. 

 Curt turned his head and looked at the Mountie from the corner of his
eye. "Yeah," he breathed. 

 Fraser was quiet for several seconds. He felt that Curt was lying, but
the barriers that told him what he should and shouldn't say told him it
didn't matter. It wasn't his business. Curt sighed and Fraser listened,
hearing in it the fact that Curt was prepared to say something, but also
hesitant. 

 "I know it's a difficult time," Fraser said, using a stock answer he felt
was appropriate. 

 Curt shrugged. "I just feel stupid. It should have occurred to me." 

 "What should have?" 

 Sitting up, Curt leaned his head back on the wall. "This. He's a cop.
Some part of me should have imagined that something like this could
happen, but we never talked about it; Ray never talked about it so I let
myself assume it could never happen. Not to him, right?" 

 Fraser was about to speak, his mouth already open, when Curt looked at
him directly. "Besides, most of the time he's with you and you wouldn't
let anything happen to him." 

 It was odd the way Curt was looking at him, Fraser thought. As though he
was placing hope on Fraser's shoulders. He stared a moment, then nodded
smoothly. "I don't think anyone intended for something to happen to him,
but I know a part of me would have been watching out for him, I suppose." 

 "You're really observant. I think you might have noticed something. I
don't blame anyone. I just wish you'd been there." 

 Fraser nodded again. "Me too," he admitted quietly. 

 "Yeah," Curt said after a moment, filling the silence. 

 Chapter 6
 Curt pulled the greenish tan chair closer to the bed and took Ray's hand
in his own. Leaning his other arm on the wooden armrest, he covered his
lips with his fingers. He could still smell the nicotine from his last
cigarette on his fingers as he stared contemplatively at Ray's face. 

 He couldn't find words. He'd made his peace and said everything he
thought he wanted to, but it didn't make him feel any better. As his mind
wandered, so did his gaze. He was staring blurry eyed at the shiny stand
with the IV bag dangling from it. Losing track of the time, Curt finally
came back to reality, slowly letting the room refocus and the sounds back
into his ears. Taking in a breath, he couldn't smell the nicotine anymore.
He dropped his arm limply and stared at Ray's face again. Not a single
thing about it had changed. 

 His mind thought of the last cigarette he had smoked. It was the last of
the pack and the last of what he had on him as well as the last grasp he
had to something that could take him away from this reality, if just for a
moment. He wanted another. He needed the escape, but he hated needing.
Angry at the addiction, or at least placing all of his anger on it, he
stood. Huffing a moment, he turned in a circle and grunted. The next
moment he froze, then ran his fingers through his hair. Grunting his
frustration was a trait he'd picked up from Ray. Everything came back to
Ray. 

 Staring again at the form in the bed, his mind blanked, his body reacting
without thought. Kicking the chair hard, it scraped loudly on the floor.
"You can't have him!" he suddenly yelled. 

 Outside the room where Fraser was passing on his way back to the waiting
room from the cafeteria, he heard a sound coming from Ray's room. Taking
quick steps in, he saw Curt throw his fist against the wall. After
glancing quickly at Ray and his monitors, Fraser looked back at Curt and
cleared his throat. 

 Turning, Curt bowed his head. "Maybe it's a ridiculous sounding thing to
say, but I want him. Ray belongs to me and God or nature or whoever is
trying to take him away doesn't deserve him." 

 Fraser took a confused step forward. 

 "I mean, maybe I don't deserve him either, but..." 

 "You do," Fraser interrupted. 

 Curt met his gaze, his expression full of question, but before he could
speak, he heard the most quiet of moans behind him. Spinning, his eyes
rested on Ray's barely open eyes as Fraser stepped up beside him. 

 "You look like shit," Ray rasped, not realizing until he tried to use his
voice how much ache and pain was in his throat and neck. He furrowed his
brow and slowly moved his eyes around the room. 

 Curt swallowed, unsure of how to react to Ray's first comment. He stepped
closer and took Ray's hand. "You're in the hospital," he said, finding the
only words he could think of to get rid of that uneasy expression on Ray's
face. 

 Ray's eyes met Curt's again. "I see that," he mumbled. Squinting, he
swallowed hard, then coughed a little. He let out a breath and stared at
the ceiling. 

 "How do you feel?" Fraser asked. 

 Ray continued to stare for what seemed like hours before he spoke again.
"I don't know how I got here," he remarked. 

 "You got shot," Curt explained. 

 Ray quickly assessed all sensations in his body and furrowed his brow
again. "That would explain the pain," he managed. He didn't tell them that
whatever signals his mind sent were coming back rejected. He couldn't seem
to move. 

 Fraser stepped into the hall and saw a nurse coming toward him. "Did
something happen?" she asked. "I thought I heard something a minute ago." 

 "He's awake," Fraser stated simply, not expounding on the noise. 

 The nurse turned immediately and went back toward her desk. A moment
later, she was following behind a doctor. A moment after they rushed past
the waiting room door, it opened and Barbara and Damien stepped out.
Barbara looked inquisitive at Fraser. "He's awake," Fraser stated again. 

 Moments later, the room had too many people and as the nurse tried to
quiet an excited Barbara, Ray closed his eyes. "Too much," he said
gruffly. 

 The doctor was checking his charts as the nurse checked his vitals before
he looked up. "Yes, everyone out. Right now," he demanded. 

 Fraser helped calm Ray's parents and shuffle them out. Ray opened his
eyes, his hand moving slightly from the bed and reaching. "Curt stay," he
said, not asking. 

 Curt froze and turned back. "Can I?" he asked the doctor. 

 "I don't..." he began, but Ray turned his eyes on the doctor with a gaze
that convinced the doctor to nod once. He flashed a light in Ray's eyes,
watching the dilation. "Do you know your name?" 

 "Ray Kowalski." 

 "Good. Do you know what day it is today, Mr. Kowalski?" 

 Ray rambled off a date as Curt pulled the chair back toward the head of
the bed and sat in it slowly. He said nothing, though he looked at the
doctor to see if there was any concern in Ray naming the date he'd been
shot, not today's date. 

 The doctor looked at Ray's hands. "Can you make a fist with your right
hand?" he asked, watching as Ray slowly curled the fingers on his right
hand into a claw before giving up. 

 "Good, now you're left," he said. He watched as Ray repeated the action
with his left. "Good." Moving toward Ray's feet, he pulled back the
blankets. "Wiggle the toes on your left foot." His right toes wiggled. The
doctor's face changed slightly into a poker stare. "Good, now your left,"
he stated. 

 "I just did," Ray snapped, his voice still raspy. 

 The doctor glanced at him. "Yes, of course. I meant your right." 

 Ray nodded and his right toes wiggled again. He covered Ray's feet,
noting Curt's look of concern, but not acknowledging it. "Do you remember
what happened?" he asked. 

 Letting out a small breath, Ray averted his eyes. "No," he said. 

 "What's the last thing you do remember?" the doctor pushed. 

 Ray thought a moment, turning his head to look at Curt, then stopping as
the pain in his neck grew. Squinting his eyes, he held his head there and
looked at Curt from the corner of his eye. "I remember getting ready for
work. It was sunset I think. I know I was working nights." He paused. "I
remember getting ready to go so I must have gone to work," he added
softly. 

 The doctor smiled and nodded. "Good. How's the pain?" 

 Ray stared a moment. "I feel it, but it's not too bad. Should it be
better or worse?" he asked. 

 "If it's not too bad, then we'll let you discuss the pain medication with
Dr. Conte. He'll be here in two hours. I'll have him come in and take a
look at you when he arrives. Until then, just rest," he said. 

 Ray barely nodded as Curt watched the doctor and nurse leave. Once they
were gone he met Ray's gaze. 

 "Who's Dr. Conte?" 

 "He's the surgeon who worked on you after they brought you from the
emergency room." 

 Ray worked to move his head and face Curt more, then shifted it in a weak
nod. He stared at Curt a moment. "I didn't expect to see you here," he
remarked. "At least, when I woke up I wasn't sure." He paused. "I'm not
sure why." 

 Curt leaned closer. "They only let family members in so we told them I'm
your brother." 

 Ray tried to smile. "Incest," he joked. 

 Curt grinned. "Fraser too," he added, taking Ray's hand. "Your mother
insisted." 

 Ray gave Curt a knowing look, then asked, "How are they? My parents, I
mean." 

 "Your dad hasn't said three words since he got here and your mom, well
she's got a hug for everyone who walks in the waiting room." He paused.
"Even the ones who weren't there for you," he added with a chuckle. 

 Smiling a bit more, Ray glanced away. "And Fraser?" 

 "He's worried, like the rest of us. Spends every minute he's not working
here." 

 He looked at Curt again. "And you?" 

 Curt said nothing for a moment, but as he squeezed Ray's hand, he let out
a breath. "Glad you're going to be ok," he stated. 

 Ray closed his eyes a moment. Curt watched him as he lay still until
opening them again. "I remember making love," he whispered. 

 Curt shifted. 

 "I remember right before I got ready for work that we made love and I
left you in bed and I remember coming out of the shower and thinking 'God,
I hope I make it home early enough to see him before he leaves for work.
Just once.' I remember that vividly." He sighed slightly. "My neck really
hurts." He watched Curt nod, looking solemn. "How bad is it?" he asked. 

 Curt straightened. "How bad is what?" he asked. 

 "Me. How bad am I?" he asked. "I can tell it's not good." 

 "Maybe you should ask the doctor when he..." 

 "I want you to tell me what you know," Ray demanded. 

 Curt bit his lip before speaking again. "You were shot seven times..." 

 "Seven?" Ray breathed. 

 "None of them were severe, but together it wasn't good." He paused.
"You've been unconscious for six days." 

 "Then it's not the 15th," he breathed. 

 "No." Curt responded. He could see Ray swallow, then squint. "One shot
grazed your neck," he explained. 

 Ray tried to nod, but stopped himself. He sat quietly a moment. "I
remember driving to work. I think it was that night. I'm pretty sure it
was. I remember passing this group of kids with punk hair on Pearl just
after sunset." 

 Curt squeezed his hand again. "I'm sure it will all come back." 

 Ray huffed slightly. "Shot seven times, I'm not sure I want it to." 

 Standing and leaning over him, Curt kissed Ray's lips lightly. They were
dry and cracked, he noted as he sat back down. 

 Ray looked at him for several seconds. "Was Fraser there?" he asked, his
voice low. 

 "No," Curt responded. 

 "Figures," Ray said, looking away. 

 "Jack and his partner were there, though. Jack's fine. Dewey got out of
the hospital yesterday. Jack says he'll be fine too." 

 "Do much talking with Jack?" Ray asked, surprised. 

 "Yeah. He came by the waiting room a few times to see how you were doing.
So did your Lieutenant and Francesca, but your parents talked to them.
Jack actually sat down and talked to me." 

 Furrowing his brow, Ray looked at Curt again. "Why?" 

 "Don't know, but I know he wants us to know he's behind anything we do." 

 "How do you know that?" 

 "Because he told me." 

 Ray still looked confused, but let the silence build. Curt and Ray stared
at each other for several minutes. "You look like shit," Ray observed
again. 

 "I probably should. I haven't left the hospital since the night they
brought you in." 

 Ray felt a tug at his heart and smiled. "I love you," he breathed. 

 "I love you, too," Curt said with all the passion he felt. 

 Chapter 7
 Curt opened the blinds as Ray shifted his head and squinted. "This room
is so much brighter," Curt commented as he did it. 

 Ray's eyes adjusted as he turned back to look at Curt, watching him take
a seat. "Than the ICU? Imagine that." 

 "You start physical therapy this afternoon," Curt said. 

 "Yeah, they told me." 

 "You ready?" 

 Ray shrugged. 

 "Seen Kathy yet?" 

 Ray pursed his lips. "Kathy? No." 

 "I thought she was coming by this morning." 

 "Kathy's in Chicago?" 

 "Oh, did I forget to tell you? She came when she heard you were...
unconscious," Curt explained. "I tried to tell her not to, but she did.
Finally managed to get a flight in last night. Can you believe she was
going to stay at a hotel?" 

 "We have room," Ray said. 

 "That's what I said. When I got up this morning, she was putting on her
boots. Said she was coming by here before taking care of some business in
town." 

 "What kind of business?" 

 "I don't know," Curt replied. "She didn't say. She won't say. She just
says it's business." 

 "Oh," Ray said. He considered asking more, but Fraser came into the room.


 Curt glanced up. "Hi, Fraser," he greeted. 

 Ray looked at Curt. Ever since they moved him from ICU, he'd seen Curt
and Fraser communicating like adults. It was starting to disturb him. "Hi,
Fraser," he said. "How are you?" 

 "Well. Inspector Thatcher allowed me two hours for lunch so I could bring
you these," he remarked, setting a small group of white daisies on the
table. He pulled a card from the middle and carried it over. "Technically
it's from the RCMP. Unofficially, I suggested now might be a good time for
Inspector Thatcher to thank you for all you've done to help us out." 

 Ray took the card and pulled his lips back into a small grin. He read the
polite platitudes in Fraser's handwriting before tossing the card onto his
tray table. 

 "How are you feeling?" Fraser asked. 

 Ray grunted. 

 "And you?" he asked Curt. 

 "Good. I thought you were going back to work today." 

 "Nope, that's tomorrow and I've arranged for half days the rest of this
week." He turned to Ray. "Is that all right with you?" 

 Ray stared. "What is this?" 

 "What?" Curt asked. 

 "This... between you two? It's creeping me out. What happened?" 

 Curt and Fraser looked at each other a moment before Curt answered. "You.
You happened. You almost died and I guess we both realized there was room
for a lover and a best friend." 

 Ray turned to Fraser. Fraser let out a breath and took as seat across the
bed from Curt. "I still get to be the best friend, don't I?" he asked. 

 "Of course, but all those things you said about Curt, about us, even
about you and me... I thought you'd never..." 

 "Never is a pretty big word, Ray. It did take me some time, but I see now
that perhaps I did judge this a little hastily." He paused, glancing to
see that Curt was watching him, but looking away because he didn't want to
admit these things. Still, knowing he had to, he pushed himself. "Curt may
have made many mistakes and it was easy for me to blame him for you and me
falling apart, but he's good for you. I wanted to hold on to you so you
could teach me the things that with Curt are already there." He met Ray's
surprised, relieved gaze. "So while it might be difficult for me, I have
to give you up to someone more deserving." 

 Ray swallowed, reaching his hand to put it on Fraser's. His half smile
was almost choked with tears, but he was able to keep his composure as
Curt took his other hand. 

 "Hey, am I interrupting?" came a voice from the door. 

 Fraser sat back, folding his hands in his lap as Curt looked up and saw
Jack Huey in the doorway. Ray smiled. "No," he replied. 

 "I'll try again later," Huey remarked as he tapped Fraser's shoulder.
"Hi, Fraser," he said. 

 Fraser looked up, nodded, then stood. "I really ought to get back to my
duties at the Consulate," he announced. 

 "Will you be back?" Ray asked. 

 Fraser looked at Curt, nodded once, then picked up his hat and left. Huey
made himself comfortable in the chair Fraser had been in, leaning back.
"Hey, how are you?" 

 "Fine," Ray responded. "Seems to be the question of the day." 

 "Well, hey, it's the first time they've let just any old visitor in since
you got in here. Must be doing pretty well," Huey remarked. 

 Ray nodded. "So they say," he breathed. 

 Huey looked at them both a moment, his eyes resting on their hands
together before he sat up. "I heard about work," he said to Ray. 

 Ray looked puzzled. 

 "Heard they don't think you're coming back," he said. 

 "Oh," Ray said. "It's past thinking. I won't," he added. 

 "Too bad. Damn fine cop." 

 Ray half grinned. "Not that great if I got shot." 

 "Hey, no one saw that guy and when he started shooting, no one thought he
could get off that many rounds. Even when he started firing, we didn't see
the second gun until he pulled it out." 

 "What?" Ray asked. 

 Curt cleared his throat and Huey looked with question. Curt shook his
head. "He still doesn't remember," he explained. 

 "Oh," Huey said. He paused. "Sorry," he finally added. He bit his lower
lip. "I bet this is real tough on both of you, huh? Ray in the hospital.
One income to pay the rent. I guess you'll be getting disability though,
right?" 

 Ray took in a breath. He hadn't thought much beyond the fact that he was
here and most of the time he was in pain. Huey's comment made him think of
the future. He glanced at Curt who leaned back in his chair. "Yes. I'm
sure I'll get some compensation." 

 Huey nodded. "But at least you don't have to worry about secrets
anymore." 

 Facing Huey again, Ray looked inquisitive. "Can I ask you something?" 

 "Yeah?" 

 "Why doesn't this shock you more than it does?" 

 "You two or the whole homosexual thing in general?" Huey responded. 

 "Either," Ray said. 

 Staring a moment, Huey stood. "Mind if I shut this?" he asked, holding
the door. Ray shook his head so he pushed it closed completely and sat
again. "I never told you I had a brother, did I?" Ray shook his head. "I
do. His name's Robert. He's twenty nine years old so, you know, younger
than I am. About two and a half years ago, he announced that he was gay
over Thanksgiving dinner." Huey stopped to shrug. "My mom started crying
and my dad threw him out. To this day, they refuse to talk to him." 

 Huey sighed and ran his hands over his hair, making eye contact with Curt
and Ray before continuing. "He ran out of the house and I followed him. He
told me he wanted me to understand. He said I was all he had left so he
wanted me to be there and all I could think to do was ask him why he'd
told them." He stopped, seemingly finished with his story. 

 "What did he say?" Curt asked. 

 Huey shrugged. "He said he had to so that we'd all know him. He said he
didn't feel like hiding it. I told him he was stupid for telling them and
insane to think we should accept it because he's a screw up. I wasn't very
understanding or nice." He looked at Ray and smiled vaguely. "He only
started accepting phone calls from me about three months ago and he made
me swear to never say anything I'd regret again." 

 Ray glanced at Curt. When he looked at Huey again, Huey cocked his head.
"So I haven't, and I won't, and I'm starting to get used to the idea of
normal people including just about anyone who doesn't come after me with a
chainsaw." 

 Curt chuckled. Ray took in a breath. "Thanks, Jack," he said. 

 Jack shrugged again. "Hey, look. You need anything, you let me know. I
told Welsh I'd come see how you are and report back to everyone at work so
you wouldn't get bombarded with visitors. Now I've done that, I better
go." 

 "All right," Ray said.  Ray stared out the window as his mother rambled
on. The sun had gone down and as the streetlights shone in, he got lost in
thought. 

 Curt had accompanied him to his first session of therapy as well as his
second. He'd appreciated the company, but now the voices were filling up
his head. It was difficult to conceive of Curt taking care of him. They'd
always been partners, equals. That's what he liked. Images of himself as
an invalid with a disappointed and resentful Curt wiping food off his chin
consumed him. Maybe Huey had been right when he said it would be hard for
both of them. Ray feared it might be too hard. 

 At the same time, he saw that look on Curt's face the first time he'd
tried to walk and failed miserably. At first he looked concerned, but then
he seemed disappointed. Initially, Ray thought he was disappointed the
same way Ray was. Disappointed in hoping. Now his mind remembered the
reaction differently and he thought maybe Curt was disappointed in him. 

 He let out a slow breath as his mother kept talking. "So you see,
Stanley, your father and I are well equipped to take care of you. You
wouldn't have to worry about a thing if you just considered moving home
with us." 

 He turned his head and looked at her a moment. 

 "I know Curt would be disappointed, but you have to do what's best for
you," she added. 

 Ray blinked. "All right," he said softly, then looked back out the
window. "I'll move home," he added in a whisper. 

 Chapter 8
 "Hello," Curt said as he walked into the room and saw Barbara Kowalski
there. 

 Ray shifted in his wheelchair, scrunching his face slightly from the
pain. "Mum, can you excuse us for a minute?" he said. 

 Barbara glanced at Curt. "Sure, Stanley," she said, standing and softly
touching his cheek before leaving. "I'll be right outside." 

 Curt stepped up to the end of the bed, facing Ray. "Hey, I thought you
had therapy soon." 

 Ray nodded. "Mum's taking me," he stated. 

 Curt was quiet a moment. "I thought I was." He waited, watching as Ray
glanced past him to the door. "I thought they said it would be a good idea
for me to be there since I'll be the one helping you after..." 

 "I'm not going home with you." 

 "What!?" 

 "I'm going to move home." 

 "Home is with me," Curt said through gritted teeth. 

 "No, I mean home with my parents." 

 "Why the fuck would you do that?" Curt snapped. 

 "Look, I'm sorry. I wasn't going to tell you yet. Not this way. They're
better equipped and ... and maybe it's better." 

 "Better? What's better? Your mom closing you in a plastic bubble and
playing Florence Nightingale or being without me?" 

 Ray looked away. 

 "Well?" 

 "She suggested it and I said yes. I just think it would be better for
us," he finished, waving from himself to Curt. 

 "I want to take care of you," Curt said urgently. 

 Ray met his gaze. "That's just it. I don't want you to take care of me. I
don't want you stuck with me, getting resentful and looking at me like an
invalid." 

 "You're not an invalid." 

 "I might not get better, you know. Even if I do, certain things will
always be a there and what if they get worse again? I mean, I might be ok
and then ten years down the road, my body falls apart." 

 "So what?" 

 "So maybe it's better if you just give up now instead of being stuck with
me. I don't want you to give up your life because of me." 

 "I don't care if you walk or don't walk. I don't care what happens and
I'll never be stuck with you. I just love you! Please don't ask me to give
up on you!" he begged, his voice catching. "Please don't ask me to give
you up," Curt breathed. 

 Ray looked away, using his good arm to roll the chair toward the window.
"Can you go?" he asked quietly. 

 "No!" Curt snapped. 

 "Please go," Ray said more firmly. 

 "How can you..." 

 "I'm not asking, Curt. I want you to leave," Ray demanded. 

 Curt stared at Ray's back a moment. He didn't realize that Ray could see
his reflection on the window as he watched him run his hand over his hair,
then look somber as he suddenly stormed out.  Kathy jumped, startled when
the door slammed loudly. She sat up on the couch and rubbed her eyes.
"Curt?" 

 He stormed up the stairs without a word. Kathy looked at the time before
going to the bottom of the stairs. "Curt? It's 3 am. Where were you?" 

 "Driving," Curt snapped. 

 "Where?" 

 "Around!" 

 "Curt?" 

 "Leave me alone!" 

 Kathy waited a moment, then took her chances and walked up the stairs.
She found Curt sitting on the edge of the bed, lighting a cigarette. "What
happened?" she asked. 

 "Ray happened," he snarled. 

 Moving beside him, she sat on the bed. "What do you mean?" 

 "He's going home to mommy." 

 "What? Why?" 

 "Because he's fucking afraid, that's why!" 

 "Of what?" 

 "I don't know! Of us, of everyone else, maybe of himself. All I know is I
went to take him to his physical therapy today and he told me he's moving
home with mummy and daddy, two of the most wonderful parents on earth, of
course." 

 "I thought you liked them." 

 "I like his mother, but not enough to let her have him!" Curt argued. "I
just want him to come home. I've just been waiting as patiently as
possible for him to come home and now he tells me he doesn't want to!" 

 "Curt," Kathy said in soothing tones as she put her hand on his back. 

 "Well, fuck him, then. He wants to be alone so bad, then fuck him." 

 "What about what you want?" 

 "I want to fight for him, but how can I when he's stuck in a hospital, in
a wheelchair, just trying to deal with this shit?" 

 "Maybe that's what he wants," Kathy suggested. 

 "I tried. I really tried, but he threw me out. I can't... I know what I
want, but I don't feel like this should be about me."  Ray turned to see
who was coming into the room, his first visitor of the day. "Kathy," he
greeted, smiling. 

 "What the hell is wrong with you?" 

 "What?" 

 "Curt's trying to figure out why you suddenly dumped him and so am I.
What the hell is wrong with you?" 

 "Stay out of it Kathy." 

 "No. I'm Curt's friend, your friend. This is ridiculous. You'd rather go
live with your mother?" 

 "I said stay out of it." 

 "You can't just assume he doesn't want to take care of you. That's all he
wants." 

 "Don't get in the middle! This isn't about you!" Ray snapped, then closed
his eyes, hiding the pain the act caused him. 

 "It is when I see two people I care about..." 

 "What the hell are you doing here anyway? Flying half way across the
country for what?" 

 "For you." 

 "And business, according to Curt. So just go take care of your business,
get out of Chicago, and stay the hell away from me!" 

 "I've never seen two people love each other as much as the two of you do.
You cut him off at the knees over fucking pride and I'll lose every ounce
of respect I have for you! Don't think that just because you're lying here
in bed, you get to make everyone else miserable!" 

 Ray looked out the window. 

 "Good. Ignore me. That's just fine, Ray, but if you can sit there and
look me in the eye and tell me you don't love him enough to give him
anything he wants, I'll go." 

 Ray turned back. "I ... I want to give him what he wants. How could
anyone want this?" he asked, motioning to his body. 

 "Love, Ray. It really is that simple," she said. 

 Biting his lip, Ray looked back out the window. He could feel her eyes
boring into him as he stared blankly. "I just can't," he breathed at last.
He listened, but it was several minutes before he heard her leave the
room.  A week passed without visits from Curt or Kathy. As Ray was
assisted back into bed, he felt his muscles relax immediately. 

 Everyone had struggled just to convince him to go to therapy. Every day
was a struggle now. The rest of the time, no one could get him to talk or
cooperate unless it involved laying in bed like a vegetable. Barbara
practically forced Ray to eat the few morsels she could get into him. "Far
too thin," she mumbled as he turned away from the Jell-O. 

 "I'm not hungry," he argued quietly. 

 "You'll waste away. You need your strength if you're going to get
better," she insisted. 

 Ray turned from her then. He didn't care about getting better. He didn't
care about anything, not even the nightmares that woke him. Grasping, he
was sure they were of that night he'd been shot, but as he woke, they
slipped away too quickly and he still couldn't remember. He'd only jolt
and remember the pain. 

 Ray thought about this last session, about all of them over the past
week. He'd made hardly any progress. They cheered three steps while he
snarled. They acted like cheerleaders while he thought if he could manage
to throw a punch, someone would get hurt. 

 Even with friends and family there constantly, he felt alone. Sometimes
he focused on the physical pain just to take his mind away from the pain
in his heart. 

 "Maybe I made a mistake," he told Huey. 

 "It's not too late," Huey assured him. 

 Ray looked away. "I don't care," he breathed.	Kathy came through the
door into the apartment and dropped the key Curt had given her on the end
table beside the couch where she'd been sleeping. "Curt!" she hollered.
She saw his shoes on the floor where they'd been when she left the night
before. "Curt?" Still no answer, she went to the stairs. "Curt?" she
yelled up. 

 Hearing movement, she waited a moment. "Curt?" He still didn't respond so
she moved slowly up the stairs. Reaching the top, she turned to see a lump
in the bed. "Curt?" 

 "Go away," he mumbled, the blankets making soft noise as he moved. 

 She sat on the bed beside him and pulled back the comforter. "You sick?" 

 "No." 

 "Tired?" 

 "Maybe," he breathed, taking the blanket back and covering his head. 

 "Hiding from the world so you don't have to think about Ray?" 

 He pushed the blanket back just enough to peer over it at her. "Yes." 

 "Is it working?" 

 He sighed. "No. Now he's all I think about." 

 "So go talk to him." 

 "No." 

 "Why not?" 

 "Because I don't want to." 

 "You don't want to or you'd prefer to wallow in self pity?" 

 He glanced at her. "The second one," he mumbled. 

 She yanked the blankets back and frowned at the body naked other than a
pair of boxers. "You didn't even bother to get dressed today?" 

 "No." 

 "What about work?" 

 "Didn't go." 

 "Curt," she scolded. 

 "Screw you," he said. 

 "Well, I found a job today," she announced. 

 He rolled onto his back and looked at her. "What?" 

 "I've been thinking about moving for a while. I just can't seem to make
things work there and when I lived near you, things worked. I don't know.
Maybe I just had to get out of there and here seemed better than anywhere
else." 

 Curt sat up. "You didn't say anything." 

 "I know. I wasn't sure until I found this job." She paused. "I knew what
I wanted so I went out and grabbed it. I took a chance." Curt frowned and
looked away. "I didn't curl up in bed and sulk." 

 "All right, all right," Curt said. "I hear you." 

 She smiled. "Good," she said, patting his leg. "So get up, get dressed in
something Ray just can't resist, and go talk to him." 

 Curt reached down to grab the blankets again, but Kathy pulled them away,
tossing them across the floor. "When you get home, we'll move the bed
downstairs. I'll help you switch everything so it will be done." She
paused, looking into his closet. "You just have to convince him," she
added, tossing a pair of pants at him. 

 Lifting them, Curt furrowed his brow. "Leather?" 

 "Yes." 

 "You sure that's appropriate for a hospital visit?" 

 "You're going to convince your lover he's insane for letting you go. It's
the only thing to wear." She looked back in the closet. "Oh, I have an
idea. Which shirts are his?" 

 Curt stood and crossed to her. "Why?" 

 "Because if you're wearing one of his shirts, it will make him nuts. Just
tell him you forgot whose were whose." 

 Furrowing his brow, Curt waved to a half of the closet. "But it's nothing
new if we do switch shirts." 

 "Doesn't matter. It's just important that you've forgotten. You go shower
and I'll find the right thing." 

 Curt stared a moment, then turned toward the bathroom like a scolded
child. 

 Chapter 9
 Barbara watched her son as he stared out the window, something he did
most of the time now. She knew he was hurting. She knew she hadn't seen
Curt in many days and that Ray was unwilling to talk about it. She
wondered now if convincing him to come home had been the right choice.
Since he'd told her he would go, he had been an empty shell and since the
last time she saw Curt, Ray had been almost unbearably stubborn in his
goal to give up. 

 "Your father isn't sure that you should move home," she said softly. 

 Ray turned his head to look at her. "Hm?" 

 She paused. "That's a lie. I'm not sure. Stanley, I want you to tell me
what happened between you and Curt." 

 "It's nothing, really. Like I said before. He's just busy." 

 "Too busy to see you in over a week? I can't imagine that. Stanley, I
want what's best for you." 

 "So do I. That's why I think I should come home." 

 She watched him a moment. "You know I love you," she began. "You know I
would do anything for you because you are my son, but if you believe being
with Curt will make you happier, that's what I want for you." 

 Ray swallowed hard. "I don't want to be a burden," he admitted. 

 Barbara smiled gently. "I know that, Stanley, but you need to decide if
you want to be with him more than you want to avoid being a burden because
from what I have seen, you'll only make yourself miserable if you give up
what you love most. Don't give up just because you're afraid." 

 "I'm not afraid, Mum. I just don't want to..." 

 "Yes, I heard what you said, but I think you are afraid of what might
happen if you don't get better. Or if you do get better and you owe it to
Curt. Or if you don't get better and he still stands by you. You've always
had a big heart, Stanley, and never wanted to take." She stood and patted
his hand. "But if this is what you really want, you know your father and I
will stand behind you." She paused. "We will both stand behind you on
every decision you make," she added softly just before she turned and
left.  Curt walked into the hospital room and froze. The bed lay empty and
as he looked around, he noticed wilted flowers. Stepping into the room, he
took in a breath. He could smell cleaners and the sterilization of a
hospital, but faintly he could also smell Ray. He turned to a mirror and
checked his appearance just as he heard a noise at the door. 

 Turning, he met Ray's gaze and smiled. Holding out three dozen white
roses, he set the vase on a table. "I brought those for you." 

 Ray nodded. "And here I didn't think either of us was the flowers kind of
guy." Turning, he noticed his mother smiling broadly at Curt. "Thanks
mum," he said. "I'll get it from here." Barbara ignored him, pushing his
wheelchair fully into the room and inches from Curt before turning and
disappearing quickly from the room. Ray looked at Curt again. "What are
you doing here?" he asked. 

 "I wanted to talk to you. I needed... is that ok?" 

 Ray let out a breath. "You're here now. I can't stop you," he said, his
mind telling him to ask Curt to stay and push him out the door at the same
time. He thought leaving it open would put the ball in Curt's court, but
his mouth spoke again before his mind could stop it. "Five minutes," it
said, then he looked away. Maybe five minutes was a good thing. Curt was
wearing Ray's shirt, Ray noticed - the blue grey one that made Curt's eyes
so cool and beautiful with leather pants and boots. Ray was having a hard
time saying no, but if there was a time limit, he could stay strong. 

 Curt shifted. "Then I better make it count. Listen, I want you to come
home with me. I want you to come to our home. You know it's our home. What
would it be without you?" He paused when he saw he was losing Ray's
interest. Taking a deep breath, he moved closer and squatted before Ray.
"We're switching the spare room and the bedroom so there's no stairs to
contend with. I spent the last week imagining my life without you and I
can't do it. So much has happened and I think what you need, what we both
need is to know there's one thing that won't ever change and that's us,
Ray. I love you and that won't ever change." 

 Ray used his good arm to yank the chair into a half turn. Curt
straightened. "I just don't want to be a burden," Ray said. 

 "I keep hearing that from you, Ray, but it doesn't make any sense. You
mean you don't want to be a burden on me, but it's ok to be a burden on
your aging mother?" 

 Ray turned his head and looked at Curt's abdomen. "That's different." 

 "Why?" 

 "Because it is." 

 "Because it's the love of a mother? Well what's that, Ray? That's
unconditional love. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but so is
this! It's why I didn't think twice about whatever might come after this.
It's why I didn't think twice about whether or not it would be me taking
care of you. I just felt in my heart it would be me and it's why I want to
do it so much that I'm back here fighting for you to let me." 

 "Things could change. Things will change." 

 "No, they won't and they can't." Curt moved around again, kneeling before
Ray and placing his right hand on Ray's left knee. Moving his ring finger,
he looked up into Ray's face, but couldn't get Ray to look into his eyes.
"That's what this was about, remember? We bought the rings because no
matter what happened, things between us were not going to change." 

 "We didn't expect this," Ray argued. 

 "I don't care what we expected. Expectation wasn't the point. It was
love, Ray. That's why we knew they wouldn't change. We knew they couldn't
because we loved each other." 

 Ray stared at the hand on his knee a long time before slowly moving his
right hand across and placing it on Curt's. He sniffed back the lump in
his throat and met Curt's eyes. "How can you want this?" he asked. 

 "Because it's you," Curt responded. "Everything I do is because it's you.
No more excuses and no more fears, ok? We're in this together," he
suggested softly. 

 Ray nodded slowly before Curt raised himself to hug Ray. He was gentle as
he felt Ray twitch, then he kissed him softly on the lips. 

 Chapter 10
 Feeling lips on his, Ray slowly woke as his lower lip was sucked. He
opened his eyes as Curt pulled back and grinned widely. "Wake up, Sleeping
Beauty," Curt said. 

 Ray moaned. 

 "Hurry. You have to help me put on my wedding dress," Curt added. 

 Ray chuckled and rolled over. "That would have scared me if I hadn't seen
the tux. What time is it?" 

 "Almost noon," Curt replied. 

 Ray stretched, groaning as he did. "How did it get so late?" 

 Curt watched Ray a moment before standing, his towel wrapped around his
waist and his hair still damp. "Guess we shouldn't have stayed up all
night anticipating our honeymoon. You confirmed with the caterer, right?" 

 Ray shrugged. "Francesca said she'd handle it." 

 Raising his eyebrows, Curt smiled. "She just about took over everything,
didn't she?" 

 Ray nodded as he climbed out of bed with a moan and headed for the
shower. "God, I'm sore today," he said under his breath. 

 "Pardon?" Curt asked, laying out the garment bag that held his tuxedo. 

 "I just hope she doesn't overdo it on the decorations," Ray responded. 

 "We'll know soon enough. Hurry up. She said she was going to show up at
noon to start setting up." 

 Ray sighed and closed the bathroom door. He'd come home months ago, his
progress increasing again as soon as Curt was there. His goal was to be
back to his old self by the time the wedding came. Ray hadn't allowed Curt
to even mention changing the date, explaining it gave him a goal and
ruined their plans of changing rings in one year. 

 He'd worked hard on rehabilitating himself until he could insist Curt
move the bedroom back upstairs, the best view in the place. Now he tried
to pretend things were normal, but most of the time he was still very
aware of all the injuries he'd sustained, even though he was assured it
would continue to lessen over time.  "Sorry I'm late," Francesca said as
Curt let her through the door. She looked at Curt's tuxedo and smiled.
"Wow, you look great," she remarked, looking over the box she carried.
Crossing to the counter, she set down the box before taking in the room.
"How did you want to set it up?" she asked. 

 Curt waved to the fireplace and the raised hearth. "Thought we'd stand
there so they were supposed to set up the chairs facing that way when the
rentals get here. I thought we'd put the bar by the window and let the
caterers serve from here," he commented, pointing at the counter bar in
the kitchen area. 

 "Nice. I confirmed the caterer and the flowers should be here any
minute." 

 "You didn't order too many flowers did you?" Curt asked concerned. "I
mean, it is a ceremony, but it's not like it's a real wedding and besides,
we're guys." 

 Francesca smiled. "Yeah, I took that into account. I got a little spray
for your lapels and a few baskets to spread around. You shouldn't worry so
much. It's not like I was planning my wedding," she smirked. "Where's
Ray?" 

 "Still getting dressed," Curt said. "I think he's doing his makeup." 

 Francesca laughed as she pulled candles and bows from the box. "You're
funny. So how many people do you think will really show up?" 

 Curt shrugged as she handed him the candelabras and directed him to set
them on the mantle. "We invited almost fifty people." 

 "Yeah, Ray told me. He also told me he didn't think many would make it." 

 "I'm not sure." 

 "Ray's parents..." 

 "His mom," Curt amended. 

 Francesca nodded. "Me, Jack, isn't your friend Kathy going to be here?" 

 "Yeah. I suspect about twenty people." 

 "Anybody else flying in? I could send cabs." 

 Curt shifted. "A couple of my friends. Ray hasn't met them." 

 "Well, I've got a surprise." 

 "Oh?" 

 Francesca nodded. "I took the job of civilian aide from a woman named
Elaine. I guess he and Elaine got along and she comes back to visit
occasionally. Well, I found out Elaine heard some rumors so I told her
about the wedding. She's coming, but I didn't tell Ray." 

 "That's great," Curt remarked. "And you don't think Ray will freak out?" 

 "Probably, but this is such a big day, he'll forget about it before he
has a chance to hurt me." She grinned. 

 "Forget about what?" Ray asked as he came down the stairs, gently limping
with his left leg. 

 "The bill," Curt replied as he and Francesca turned. 

 "Wow. Never thought I'd see the day," Francesca remarked. 

 Ray touched his bowtie and hid a smile. "Yeah, well, some things are
worth a monkey suit," he said as he walked up beside Curt and kissed him
quickly. "How are things down here?" 

 The knock at the door slowed the conversation. "I'm guessing that's the
chair rentals," Curt said. "If so, it's going great," Curt added. 
"Damien, your suit's on the bed. Don't you think you had better shower?" 

 "How many times do I have to tell you I'm not going?" the grey haired man
groaned, staring at the television. 

 Barbara stepped into the room and shut off the TV. "Yes you are. Enough
of this. Now go get ready." 

 "I'm not about to go support something I don't think..." 

 "Damien, he is your son!" Barbara snapped. "When he went to the police
academy you had this same temper tantrum, but he became a fine cop that
you could be proud of. Still you haven't learned, have you? Whatever you
might think of him or Curt or the two of them together, they are going to
be together. Curt is good to your son, you just remember that. He makes
your son happy. Why would you want anything else for him?" 

 Chapter 11
 More people came than Curt had anticipated. Nearly everyone they invited
showed their support. 

 Ray didn't recognize the woman with dark auburn hair walking through the
door, but she seemed to own the place as soon as she entered. Confidently
walking toward someone, she waved an arm in the air and laughed. 

 All at once, she yelled Curt's name, then pushed her way across the room
and threw her arms around him. Ray walked quietly toward the two as they
hugged and he neared just as she stepped back. 

 "I didn't expect you to come," Curt said. 

 "And miss this?" she said, her voice a squeal. "I got the invitation and
made my plans immediately." 

 Ray deliberately brushed up against Curt's back. Curt acknowledged him
and grinned. "Oh, this is Mandy," he said. "Mandy, this is Ray Kowalski,"
he added. 

 Holding out his hand, Ray offered a smile. "Mandy?" 

 "Yes?" she said brightly. 

 "No, I mean Mandy what?" 

 She looked confused at Curt who cleared his throat and looked away.
"Mandy Slade," he responded, then turned to Ray and took his arm. "Mandy
and I have - certain things in common." He turned back to her. "Ray used
to be a cop," he said quickly, changing the subject. 

 "A cop? I'm... I'm impressed," she chuckled. "Surprised, but impressed.
Well, it's nice to meet you, Ray." 

 "You look great, Mandy," Curt said more quietly. 

 She smiled. "Better these days, that's for sure," she responded. 

 Ray watched the two until he felt a tap on his arm. He turned. "Jack!"
Ray greeted, smiling broadly. 

 Jack Huey waved to the man beside him. "This is my brother, Robert." 

 Ray shook the younger man's hand. He didn't look as young as Huey had
said, but he had smooth features and a broad smile. "Nice to meet you,"
Ray said. 

 "I hope it's all right that he came," Jack said quickly. "I promised him
lunch today after the ceremony." 

 "Oh, there should be plenty of food here. I'm glad you came," Ray
responded, then reached behind himself and grabbed Curt. "Curt, this is
Jack's brother." 

 Curt smiled. "Robert, wasn't it?" 

 Robert nodded. "Yes, and you're Curt?" 

 Curt shook Robert's hand before grabbing Ray's elbow. "It's almost time,"
he said into Ray's ear. "Are you ready?" 

 Ray smiled. "Mmhm," he responded as he was pulled away from the group. 

 Grinning ear to ear, Curt walked Ray through the people and stopped in
the aisle of chairs. Slowly he took Ray's head between his hands and
pulled him into a tender kiss. Ray brought his hand to rest on Curt's
elbow as the kiss deepened and Ray slipped his tongue into Curt's mouth.
Accepting it only a moment, Curt then moved away and smiled at Ray. "You
want to go first?" 

 Ray shrugged. "It doesn't matter." 

 Cocking his head, Curt took Ray's hand and led him the rest of the way
down the aisle. "Then I'll go first," he stated. Stepping up onto the
hearth, he kept Ray's hand and helped him up, then turned to the people
mingling, only a few of them seated properly. "Hey!" he yelled out, but
the noise barely quieted. "Hello!" he hollered. 

 A few turned their heads before Francesca put two fingers in her mouth
and let out an amazing whistle. 

 It quieted more and Kathy hopped onto a chair. "Sit!" she said loudly
into the silence as Curt and Ray chuckled. 

 People found seats and whispered quietly until everyone was seated and
Curt started talking. "I want to start by thanking you all for coming
here. Ray and I decided we wanted to make some gesture of commitment and
we just wanted to share this with our friends and family so I know it
means a lot to both of us that you came." 

 Taking Ray's hand firmly, he turned to face him. Ray knew from the grin
on his face that whatever he was about to say, it was something clever.
Curt always got that exact look when he was ready to blow Ray away with
something witty or charming. 

 Curt smiled disarmingly before looking up without moving his head. Taking
a breath, he looked into Ray's eyes. "The first time I met you, I thought
I already knew what bliss was. Standing here before you now, I know that
what I knew didn't compare. That first time I told you I loved you, I
meant it - even if I didn't know. I meant it every time since then. 

 "Now I know passion and love like I didn't before and as I stare into
your eyes I see there's so much more waiting for us." As he spoke, he took
the ring off his finger and placed it on Ray's left ring finger. 

 Ray stared at Curt a moment. His heart raced. The things he planned to
say weren't nearly as eloquent or personal, but they were all he had. He
cleared his throat, then cleared it again. 

 "I just wanted you to know -" he paused, swallowing. "That uh -" he
closed his eyes. An instant later, he felt Curt squeeze his hand.
Straightening, he opened his eyes. "It's just very simple, what we have
and what I want. I love you and want to be with you. I'm thankful every
day that I have you and I know that will never change." He paused. "Oh,"
he breathed, suddenly yanking the ring from his right and putting it on
Curt's left. 

 Curt grinned. He loved to see Ray speechless - something that didn't
happen often. Leaning in, he gave him a kiss, then felt Ray's arms
wrapping around him. As the embrace firmed, he put his arms around Ray and
kissed him hard until he realized the sound he heard was clapping.
Stopping, they looked at their friends, thanking them politely. 

 "Now, there's plenty of food and drinks so everyone just enjoy
yourselves," Curt announced as he stepped down, taking Ray's hand with
him. 

 The pair mingled through the crowd, never letting each other's hands go
as they managed to eat and drink champagne with the free hands. Ray guided
them first to his parents. Hugging his mother, Curt then hugged her while
Ray looked at his father. "It means a lot that you came," he said. 

 "Your mother..." Damien paused. "You're my son," he said softly. 

 The group got confusing as people interrupted, wishing them well and
nibbling on hors d'oeuvres. Barbara turned away when Ray started talking
to Elaine, a guest that turned out to be a pleasant surprise. 

 Elaine kissed Ray's cheek and headed for the bar. Ray glanced at Curt and
noticed he was staring at someone. Quickly surveying the room, Ray noticed
Fraser talking to Huey's brother. He looked at Curt again who was still
staring, his eyes impossible to read. He followed the gaze across the room
to see a man around Curt's age, maybe slightly younger with dark eyes and
defined cheek bones. The man was staring at someone else and as Ray
followed that, he saw the man was staring at Mandy as she laughed heartily
with some of her newfound friends. 

 Confused, Ray squeezed Curt's hand. Curt didn't stop staring even as his
mouth quietly formed the words. "It's Brian." 

 Ray's mind flashed with horrible thoughts as he looked back at the man
who now had entangled his gaze into Curt's. The instant the man moved,
Curt started after him. Ray planted his feet and held Curt's hand. As his
arm reached out a moment, Curt slowed, then pulled his hand from Ray's
grip, dropped his glass to the ground in a shatter, and pushed through the
crowd. 

 Ray swallowed hard. "Curt!" he yelled over the crowd, pushing behind. He
could see the man Curt was after, the man he'd claimed was Brian pushing
from the apartment and out the door as Curt desperately pushed after him. 

 "Curt!" Ray yelled again, following as quickly as he could. 

 Curt stepped into the hall and saw the form move onto the elevator. The
doors began to close as Curt jumped before them. He pounded them. "Brian!"
he yelled. 

 Ray flew into the hall just as he saw Curt hit the doors a second time.
"Brian! Fuck!" he yelped, then turned, running back toward the apartment. 

 Across from the apartment door were the stairs and as Curt took a step
down them, Ray jumped behind him and grabbed him. "Don't!" Ray demanded. 

 Curt yanked his arm away, still not seeing Ray as he took another step.
Ray took two steps down and grabbed his arm again. "Please, Curt. Please
don't go after him." 

 Stopping, Curt turned back. He looked at Ray. Immediately, Ray could see
how torn Curt was. He looked at him, pleading as he let go of Curt's arm.
"Please, don't go after him," he repeated breathlessly. 

 "But he's here and it's my chance..." 

 "I can't stop you, but I can tell you I don't want you to go," Ray
admitted softly, waiting for Curt's answer. 

 Chapter 12
 Brian watched the elevator doors open. He chewed his nail and bounced his
leg angrily. How could he come all this way, then chicken out at the last
moment? How dare he come all this way in the first place? He blamed
himself and cursed himself as he stared at the exit to the building. 

 Finally, he knew he couldn't leave without saying what he'd come to say.
He pressed the button on the wall of the elevator and watched the doors
close again.  "How dare he? How dare that fucker come here after all this
time? Show his face?" Curt snarled as he started back up the steps with
Ray, then stood before the door to their apartment. Ray noticed the guests
chatting in confidence, a party now turned to gossip as Kathy and Fraser
stood where they were, looking out with the appearances of concern. 

 Ray let out a breath and pulled the door to the apartment closed. He
placed his hand under Curt's jaw. "It's all right. Just forget it.
Whatever it was, it's over." 

 "It's not over. He was here. Why?" 

 "I don't know. It doesn't matter, does it? It's about you and me, isn't
it? No more..." 

 The doors to the elevator opened. Fearful curiosity forced them both to
watch as the man stepped off. He stood across the way, staring at Curt. "I
couldn't leave without telling you why I came," he said softly. 

 Curt took Ray's hand in his and held it tight as he took a few steps
closer to Brian. "I almost didn't recognize you," Curt breathed. 

 Brian half smiled. "Perhaps you weren't meant to," he said. Ray could
only stare as Curt and Brian stared at each other. Brian's hand suddenly
jerked to his mouth and he bit his thumbnail. 

 "God, I hated when you did that," Curt breathed. 

 Brian dropped his hand. "I needed you to know that I loved you while we
together." 

 Curt smirked. "So what?" 

 Brian looked solemn as he shifted without moving his feet. "Maybe things
went bad, maybe it was my fault, my ego, blaming everything on everything
else, but I did love you." 

 "I loved you," Curt said. Ray tried to pull his hand away, but Curt held
it more firmly. "I did, but that was a long time ago. That was a whole
other life. Now I'm with someone who not only loves me, he loves me as
much as I love him and he lets me love him. I need him the way he needs
me." 

 "The world has changed, just like we wanted," Brian said, taking a step
closer. 

 Curt scoffed. "I never wanted this," he breathed with a wave. 

 Brian cocked his head. "I'm different now. I've cleaned up." 

 "Twenty years ago, that might have made a difference, but only because I
hadn't met Ray then," Curt stated coldly. 

 Brian's eyes jumped to Ray for a moment. "Yes, Ray. Bliss like never
before," he breathed. 

 "You fucking prick," Curt responded, his body tensing. 

 "That's a load of bullshit and you know it. What we had was..." 

 "Was some great fucking fun with cameras and light tricks. We knew it
from the beginning, but you wouldn't admit it. That's why you started
slipping into something else, something I didn't even recognize." 

 "But you recognize me now, don't you?" Brian stated. 

 Curt nodded slowly. "But I don't want it anymore." He paused. "You made
me so afraid of getting hurt that I was afraid to live, to love ever
again. I met Ray and he made me feel. When I was finally ready to accept
that, I realized I'd rather be with Ray and take my chances at getting
hurt than to be without him. From you, all I ever wanted was to not get
hurt again." He let out a breath, shaking his head. "God, Brian. Of all
the fucking days on this earth, you had to pick today." 

 "I didn't," Brian said. 

 Curt looked at him again. 

 "You did," Brian added in response to Curt's look. He saw that Curt was
still confused. "I heard about this lovely affair." 

 "How?" 

 "Long grapevine I suspect started with..." 

 "Mandy," Curt breathed, finishing Brian's thought. "Fuck," he added.
"Well, you've said your piece. Maybe it's time to go." Brian made no move
to leave so Curt smirked. "Unless you'd like me to ask Mandy to join us.
I'm fairly certain she's got a word or two for you." Brian looked away.
"Listen, Brian, whatever you expected, I hope it failed." 

 Curt stared a moment longer, then looked at Ray. He smiled, then leaned
in to kiss him. He heard Brian click his tongue in aggravation as he
kissed harder, then held Ray and backed him against the wall. He bit Ray's
lower lip and stuck his tongue inside until he heard the elevator doors
close. His mind shut off noise and he tasted Ray, still holding him and
caressing his lips until Ray took a quick breath and pulled him away. "We
have to stop," he breathed. 

 Huffing slightly as he stared into Ray's eyes, Curt brushed the back of
his fingers over Ray's cheek. "I'm sorry," he said. 

 Ray turned his head into Curt's touch, then suddenly away from it. "You
didn't have to kiss me to prove something to him." 

 "I didn't." 

 "I don't want you using me for some twisted revenge. The way you kissed
me... do you still have feelings for him?" 

 "No. That's the exact reason I kissed you. I realized I felt absolutely
nothing for him anymore and that it was you I needed. I needed to kiss
you." 

 Ray looked into Curt's sincere eyes and nodded. Curt watched Ray examine
his eyes a moment before he curled one corner of his lip into a slight
nefarious grin. "Are you sure?" 

 Curt nodded. "Yes." 

 "Really? Because if you're not positive, then we have to fight and if we
fight, we have to make up." 

 Curt chuckled. "Oh. Well, in that case..." he paused. "I'm leaving you
for him." 

 "I hate you," Ray breathed. 

 "I hate you more," Curt responded with a wink just before pinning Ray to
the wall again in a passionate kiss, his hands pushing into Ray's coat and
his fingers slipping between buttons until he felt skin. He let his tongue
linger on Ray's lips a moment as he pulled away. "I'll meet you in the
bedroom in five minutes," he said before backing off. 

 "Wait," Ray said, stopping him. "In the middle of the party?" 

 Curt nodded. "That was my plan." He winked and went inside. 

 Chapter 13
 Who was that?" Mandy asked as soon as she saw Curt come through the door.
"Someone said it was Brian. Was it Brian?" 

 Kathy stepped up behind Mandy. "I'm sorry, Curt. Fraser asked who it was
and..." 

 "Yes," Curt said. "It was." Mandy bit her lip just as Curt turned,
watching Ray come inside. "He's gone." 

 "Did he... want to see me?" she asked. 

 Curt shrugged. "Listen, Mandy. Forget about it." She nodded. "You're past
him," he said. "We both are." 

 She looked at him a moment, then nodded again. "I have to go," she said
quietly as she left. 

 Curt talked to Kathy as he saw Ray make his way through the people. No
one seemed to notice him as he walked up the stairs. He looked back at
Kathy. "It's closure, Kathy. I feel so much better. I'm not asking myself
'what about Brian' anymore, like there could still be something there." 

 Kathy nodded. "That's good." 

 Curt smiled. "I'm going to get a drink," he said.  Ray was already naked
when Curt got to the top of the stairs. He pulled off his jacket and undid
his pants, sliding them off as he knelt on the bed. Ray watched him
removing his shirt as he moved closer. Leaning on the pillows, he grinned.
"Did you really mean all those things you said to Brian?" 

 "Every word." 

 Leaning forward, Ray looked deep into Curt's eyes. "I'll never hurt you."


 Curt smiled, knowingly. "I know," he said quietly. 

 Ray leaned back and let his head bob back to look at the ceiling. "God,
and those things you said down there." He looked back at Curt. "I married
a truly incredible lyrical poet." 

 Curt tossed his shirt aside, straddling Ray and leering. "Nope, just me,"
he responded. 

 "But what you said was so much nicer than what I said," Ray observed. "I
should have gone first." 

 Curt smiled. "I'll let you go first now," he breathed, capturing Ray's
lips in his, sucking them hard. He pulled away to look deep into Ray's
eyes. "Besides, I loved what you said. You were clear and concise and most
importantly, you said you love me." 

 "I do." 

 "And that's all I ever wanted to hear from your lips," he breathed into
Ray's mouth as he kissed him again, his hands working behind Ray's back
and pulling him down the bed, away from the backing of pillows. 

 Curt slipped his tongue into Ray's mouth, having it immediately met by
Ray's as he moaned softly. Curt rolled his body smoothly over Ray's, his
hips meeting Ray's and absorbing the sensations of their growing
erections. In tiny movements, Curt brought kisses down Ray's jaw, neck,
and shoulder until he was licking trails over Ray's chest. He brought his
mouth to Ray's nipple and pinched it between his lips, his tongue moving
skillfully over the nub while Curt listened to the increasing breaths of
his lover. Nipping the skin over Ray's lowest rib, he then tongued Ray's
navel and lower abdomen while he brought his hands slowly down and slid
them under to cup Ray's ass. 

 Massaging slowly, Curt gave attention to the flesh on Ray's hips, taking
his time to move inward to the cock pulsating in anticipation of Curt's
touch. Finally, Curt's warm mouth enveloped it. Feeling Ray shift, he then
felt fingers in his hair, a hand gently resting on his head as he worked
tongue and lips. Sucking just right, pressing his tongue in and twisting
just the right way, Curt listened to the breathing as it got louder, more
intense, and finally a moan slipped out. Curt returned the moan, his mouth
vibrating slightly as the cock in his mouth twitched and grew warmer. 

 Ray closed his eyes, trying to let the moment last as he felt the moist
mouth begging him to come. His body tingled, hot and shuddering an instant
before his jaw dropped open. He couldn't wait any longer and as his hips
thrust into Curt's mouth, he felt Curt sucking, drinking him in, mouthful
by mouthful as Ray groaned and pumped again. One hand still massaged
Curt's scalp, guiding him a moment longer until there was nothing left and
he relaxed breathlessly into the bed. 

 It still felt good as Curt sucked him once more, then ran his tongue over
the softer length. Curt straightened himself, laying over Ray as he kissed
neck and shoulders. Ray took a deep shivering breath and put his arm
around Curt. His other hand he put under Curt's chin and brought to his
face, kissing him softly, but for a long time. 

 Finally he released his hold on Curt and let his tongue trace a line to
Curt's ear. "I want to feel you in me," he whispered into the ear, then he
tongued his way back to Curt's lips. 

 Keeping lips attached, Curt started to guide Ray onto one side, then
licked and kissed his shoulder until Ray was turned over. Nibbling the
back of Ray's neck, he stretched his body out and brought his arm around
to rub Ray's chest. His hand moved over Ray's abdomen, back up his chest,
then onto his back. A moment later, Ray felt Curt's finger tracing the
scar on his neck as he'd done a thousand times now. 

 Ray brought his hand up to his neck and put it over Curt's. "Does it
bother you?" he asked softly. 

 Curt kissed it with silken lips before responding. "No. It just reminds
me how lucky I am," he said finally, then kissed it again before running
his hand down Ray's back and onto his hip. He nipped and tongued the back
of Ray's neck a moment longer before Ray lost track of Curt's hand.
Moments later, he felt a hand guide his leg into a comfortable position
before running a finger over his hole. Curt's body shifted before Ray felt
the pressure in his ass, the penis slowly guided and pushed inside. Ray
took a quick breath and released a quiet moan as Curt pushed in deeper,
his hand resting on Ray's hip and directing it back with each plunge. 

 The hand that moved gently to his own thigh braced Curt as he moved in
deeper. His breath was hot on Ray's neck and back as he went deep but
smooth, ever cautious of his lover's recovery. Quickly his body tensed and
grew intensely hot, like fire licking at his skin. Deep breaths weren't
even possible as Curt drove himself deeper, the opening tight on his
shaft. He heard Ray moaning and tried to move more gently, but Ray grabbed
the thigh he'd been resting his hand on and pulled Curt closer. Ray moaned
louder as his head moved back and Curt could see the ecstasy on his face.
Shoving in again, Ray let out a loud groan and it was then Curt realized
Ray had come again, the first contraction of his groin muscles sending a
wave to squeeze Curt's erection which sent him over the edge, his body
finally releasing. Curt let out a soft wail and pumped in harder, throwing
himself into Ray as Ray grunted, breathing hard and trying to form words
of approval until his body stopped convulsing. An instant later, Curt fell
onto him, spent. 

 They lay there huffing for breath a moment before Curt managed to roll
back and fall limply to the bed. Ray brought a soft arm over Curt's body,
using all his strength to shift slowly against him, then hug him tight. 

 Finally the noises of voices below broke through their peace and Ray
kissed Curt, then looked into his eyes. "Maybe we should go back
downstairs." 

 "Oh screw them," Curt breathed, his hands taking Ray's head and pulling
it into another deep kiss. 

 The End 

End Resemblance Of Sanity by Snowee: alaskanrose515@hotmail.com

Author and story notes above.