'De Cara a la Pared' Was The Song They Were Playing      'De Cara a la
Pared' Was The Song They Were Playing

 by Doll

  

 

 Disclaimer: 

 Author's Notes: Dedicated to Bast, who makes my life better. 
Special thanks to Lilguppee, who beta'd this under extreme scholastic
pressure.

 Story Notes: 

 

 

 I pushed my way through the doors of the 2-7 and felt my shoulders tense
automatically. "Oh, stop it!" I told myself. "You're a grown woman! Just
let it slide." 

 Still, I paused for a moment to take a few deep breaths before entering
the squad room. My eyes immediately cut over to the corner, and yes, there
was Ray, with that Mountie hovering nearby, just like always. I sighed.
That made things both easier, and more difficult. Easier, because there
would be a buffer between Ray and me, but harder, because Constable Fraser
really did not like me. 

 Which was strange, from all I'd heard about him. But I always knew when
people hid their dislike behind polite words and an insincere smile. I was
a lawyer, after all. 

 Sure enough, by the time I was within five feet of Ray, the constable had
stepped around the desk to intercept me. He put his hands behind his back
and widened his stance, blocking my approach. "Ah, Assistant State's
Attorney Kowalski! Am I right in presuming that those are the files
relevant to the Larkin robbery under your arm?" 

 "You presume correctly, Constable," I said stiffly, but inside I was
pissed off. There was something about that man that just got on my last
nerve. I always sounded bitchy around him. Still, I'd rather fight with
the Mountie than Ray. 

 As if on cue, Ray said, "Hey, Stell. How's it going?" His voice and
posture were laid-back, but there was a wistfulness in his tone that made
me clench my teeth. Besides, he was rubbing the seam of his jeans with his
pinkie - Ray always did that when he wanted something, but didn't know how
to ask. 

 "It's going fine, Ray," I said curtly, and then sighed to myself as he
visibly flinched. Oh, sure, it was always my fault, wasn't it? I didn't
want to be so cold, but what was I supposed to do? The smallest sign of
encouragement, and Ray would be off again, thinking we had a chance. I
didn't understand it. He was there, he knew how bad we were for each
other, how miserable we had been. Why didn't he remember? 

 Suddenly, the constable took a step forward, hand outstretched. "May I
take those files from you?" 

 I narrowed my eyes at him, glad to have a chance to deflect my
irritation. "Actually, since these are official documents of the State of
Illinois, and since you are the official representative of the government
of a completely different country, then no, you may not." 

 Instantly, Ray was out of his chair and at the constable's side. "Christ,
Stell! You know I'm going to give them to Fraser myself the second I get
my hands on them! Don't be such a pill!" 

 I raised one eyebrow -Ray hated it that I could do that when he couldn't-
and mouthed the word 'pill' at him, enjoying his slow flush. Really,
though, it was odd. I could grind Ray into the ground and he'd keep coming
back for more. But let me say one impolite word to the Mountie, and Ray
was all over me like a cat defending its kitten. 

 Ray started to speak, but once again the constable stepped in front of
him. "I do apologize, Ms. Kowalski, you are quite correct. I was
overstepping my authority. I'll just step out to the break room, and you
and Ray can discuss-" 

 "Dammit, Fraser, don't let her push you around! You know you have every
right to look at that report! You found the guy! There wouldn't even be a
report without you!" Ray put his hand on the constable's arm and pulled
him around. They began arguing intensely, face to face, almost touching,
about who would leave and who would stay. 

 I stood stock still, just watching them. Sound faded away from me and I
felt slightly dizzy as I suddenly realized exactly why the constable
didn't like me. For just a moment, just when Ray had grabbed his arm, the
constable smiled slightly, and his expression turned soft and dreamy. He
looked. . .goofy. 

 I knew that look. I had seen it in the mirror often enough, during the
early years with Ray. 

 It hit me then: no wonder the constable was always around when I was
talking to Ray. He was protecting Ray. From me! Just like Ray always
protected him. I thought back over all the times I had seen them together,
how they acted, where they stood, how they touched. Ray was not acting
like a mother cat protecting its kittens, after all. He was acting like a
wolf, defending his mate. 

 Oh, my god. How could I not have seen this? I was not usually so dense,
so blind. All this time, I had been waiting for Ray to let go and move on,
and he already had. I'd been hurting him, for all the wrong reasons. No
wonder the constable hated me. 

 Ray had still wanted me back during my complete lack of judgment with
Orsini, I was sure of it. Thinking back on it, though, it was the
constable who helped Ray through it, wasn't it? Always, always after that,
he was right there by Ray's side, being supportive, helpful, giving,
protective. . .how could I not have seen this? 

 I had an insane urge to grab the constable's hat, just to see if Ray
would knock me down and grab it back, just like he did to Jimmy Dillon all
those years ago, when Jimmy told the whole playground what color my
underwear was. 

 I made a noise that was supposed to be a laugh, but instead sounded
suspiciously like a sob. That was when I finally noticed that both Ray and
the constable had stopped arguing, and were staring at me as if I had
grown another head. Ray opened his mouth, but I was not ready to hear
anything he had to say, not now. I dropped the files on his desk and
practically ran from the squad room. 

 I left the building, called in sick, went home, and got dirty, stinking,
drunk.	

 I thought about it a lot over the weekend, and I finally decided I had to
do something to make up for my completely bitchy behavior, something to
show I understood everything, that I was happy for Ray, that I was okay
with it. 

 I was okay with it, really. 

 The constable first, I thought. I didn't know him very well, so it would
be harder for me to hurt him. It was so easy with Ray, because I knew all
his weak spots. Also, the constable already didn't like me, so if I
screwed things up, well, it wouldn't make much difference. 

 After a needlessly confusing conversation, that fatuous blond Mountie led
me and my two cups of tea to Constable Fraser's office. Benton Fraser, I
noticed, surreptitiously eyeing the nameplate on his desk. Hm, suited him.


 The other Mountie left, and the constable -no, his name was Fraser, I
should use his name- seemed to be at a loss. Finally, he shook himself,
stood up, and offered me a chair. 

 I sat down and gave him a cup of tea, which he accepted absently. After a
moment, Fraser took a deep breath, rubbed his eyebrow, and said, "Ms.
Kowalski, I feel I must offer you my most sincere apolog-" 

 I leaned forward, hands on the desk, and shook my head, startling him
into silence. "No, no. That's not why I'm here. And we both know there's
no need. I was a complete bitch." 

 He reddened slightly, but I noticed he didn't correct me. I continued, "I
have something that I want to say. It's important, I think. But I'm not
sure how to begin." 

 Fraser nodded slowly. "Perhaps at the beginning?" 

 I narrowed my eyes at him, thinking he was mocking me, but he seemed to
be serious. Suddenly, I didn't know what to think, it was just too much.
Here I was, ready to flay myself open for someone, some man -who was, he
was- and with my Ray! I stood up. "I'm sorry. This was a mistake." 

 Fraser stood up as well, and put his hand on my arm. "Ms. Kowalski,
please. This is obviously important to you. You went out of your way to
come here." His mouth twitched up in a slight smile. "You brought me tea.
Please." 

 I sat down slowly. Even if I were completely wrong, and they weren't lov-
if they were just friends, this was still something I think he needed to
hear. I certainly needed to say it. I blew out a deep breath. "I want to
tell you about the night Ray proposed to me." 

 Fraser flinched and fell deeper into his chair, looking as if I had
slapped him. "Ms. Kowalski, I would never presume to intrude upon such
intimate mem-" 

 I glared at him, with what Ray had always called my Lawyer Bitch from
Hell look. "Constable. Did you, or did you not, just tell me to proceed?" 

 He opened his mouth twice, and then closed it with a snap, compressing
his lips tightly. He moved his hand, indicating I should continue. I
looked down at my own hands, which I realized with surprise I was twisting
together in my lap. 

 "Yes, well." I coughed, and then just forced my way through it. "The
night Ray asked me to marry him was the most perfect night of my life." I
risked a quick glance at Fraser; he was pale, and his eyes were closed. I
quickly looked back at my hands. 

 "It was late April -the 23rd- and the night was clear and soft and open.
There were a million stars in the sky, and you could see every one of
them. 

 "We had dinner in a outdoor caf. I was wearing a pale blue dress with
crinoline - it crackled whenever I moved. Ray was wearing a black suit,
and he never let go of my hand. That was the only time I ever really felt
like I was beautiful. 

 "They had a band inside, with a sad, throaty singer, and the music just
spilled over the patio, the most gorgeous song, 'De Cara a la Pared'-" 

 "I'm familiar with that song. It is. . .quite lovely," Fraser said, his
voice tight with pain. I forced myself to look at him, and continued.
"Still holding my hand, Ray dropped to his knees, gave me a ring he
couldn't afford, and asked me to marry him. It was the most perfect night
of my life." 

 Fraser sat patiently, waiting for me to continue. His eyes widened
slightly when he realized that was all I intended to say. He looked a
little puzzled. "Indeed. Well, that certainly is a beautiful memory, but-"


 I leaned forward and grabbed his arm, startling us both. "Fraser. Benton.
That was over fifteen years ago, before Ray and I were even married, but
that was the most perfect night of my life." 

 I stared deep into his eyes, willing him to understand. That was the best
I could explain it. Besides, sleeping with Ray or not- I certainly wasn't
about to tell him everything about my time with Ray. Fraser stared right
back at me for a long moment, and then the puzzled look cleared from his
eyes. "And there was never another night to match it, was there?" 

 I just shook my head, so glad he understood that I couldn't speak. But
then, his tone faintly disapproving, Fraser said, "But really, Ms.
Kowalski: Isn't there is more to a relationship than romance and perfect,
magical nights?" 

 I wanted to scream. He couldn't possibly be that dense, could he? Because
if I knew one thing for certain, it was that Ray would not fall for
stupid. I looked at Fraser carefully. He seemed unnaturally tense and
still, as if he were waiting for something. Damn him! The bastard knew
full well what I meant, he just wanted to hear me say it. 

 I sighed deeply. Sometimes, I just hated all men. "I know that, Fraser,
do you think I don't? Ray and I were together forever, and we tried, we
really tried. That night, it wasn't about the stars or the music or the
romance. That night, we had something special. We completely connected, we
communicated, our souls touched, we were a . . .a. . .-" 

 "A duet?" Fraser said slowly, a shy smile blossoming over his face. 

 I gripped his arm even more tightly. "Exactly! That's it exactly! And I
think maybe, we might have made it, if we hadn't had that night. But we
did, and I kept waiting for that moment, that connection, to happen again,
but it never did." 

 Fraser nodded. "And having once known true communion, it became difficult
to settle for less." 

 "Yes! Having experienced it, knowing it was possible, well, I wanted it,
I deserved it. Ray deserved it." I looked at him pointedly. "You deserve
it." 

 He flushed and opened his mouth, but just then the door to his office
popped open, and there stood Ray, eyes wide, glancing quickly between the
both of us. 

 I'm sure it looked suspicious, Fraser and I so close together, but before
Ray could say anything I flew out of my chair and wrapped myself around
him, burying my face in his neck. Ray reflexively closed his arms around
me, but I could feel him looking toward Fraser, trying to understand what
was going on. "Stell?" he said, and his voice broke and wavered. 

 I leaned back, put my hands on his face, and stared him straight in the
eyes. "I love you, Ray, and all I want is for you to be happy." I shook
his head for emphasis. "You be happy, okay?" And I meant it, and it wasn't
hard to say at all, but oh! I felt the loss. 

 Well, my Ray is not stupid, either. He glanced between me and Fraser, and
then leaned in, resting his forehead on mine. "I'll always love you,
Stella. You're my own Gold Coast girl, my Stella by starlight." He voice
was thick and his eyes were wet, and he pulled me even closer. 

 I stepped back, breaking the embrace, and put my hands on Ray's
shoulders. When I spoke, my voice also wavered. "I know, Ray, I know. But
there's more to life than just gold and starlight and romance, isn't
there?" Ray nodded, mouthing the word 'yes' to me as his hand reached
blindly for Fraser's. 

 I took two more steps, backing out of the office. "You take care, Ray." I
bit my lip and glanced at Fraser. "And you! You take care of Ray!" He
looked startled, but he nodded and tightened his hand on Ray's. 

 I stepped out of the office and leaned against the wall, breathing
heavily, my hands over my face. I could still hear Ray talking, and he
sounded so lost. "I don't understand, Ben. I'm happy, I really am. This is
good, greatness." 

 "Shh. I know, Ray. I know." 

 I slowly peered around the door, for one final look. Fraser had Ray
gathered close, leading him around the office in a clumsy box step. Ray's
hands were fisted in the back of Fraser's uniform, and he was dragging
open-mouthed kisses along Fraser's jaw, tears streaming from his closed
eyes. 

 Fraser put his mouth by Ray's ear and began signing quietly, still
dancing. "Llorando, de cara a la pared, se apaga la cuidad. . ." 

 Ray sobbed and pulled Fraser even closer, and I turned and left, my
footsteps echoing throughout the empty hallway. And if my eyes were hot
and my vision blurry, well, it wasn't because I was crying. 

End 'De Cara a la Pared' Was The Song They Were Playing by Doll:
space___monkey___@hotmail.com

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