My Fraser	   My Fraser

 by tiffany

  

 

 Disclaimer: They're not mine, alas. I just like to play with them. But
see? I put them back, good as new!

 Author's Notes: Thanks to the wonderful people who betaed this – I am in
your debt, Jen & Snowee; also, I owe my eternal devotion to my Slash
Mistress, Obi-Kat. And, as ever, feedback is greatly appreciated!

 Story Notes: 

 

 

 My Fraser 

 You know, I never thought something like this would ever happen to me.
After Stella, I had pretty much sworn off marriage. And if you'd told me a
year ago that I'd be getting married again - to another man, no less - I'd
say you were nuts, and probably kick you in the head. But Fraser, he
just...fits me, you know? And when he asked, I couldn't say no. 

 It all started after we wrapped up this huge case, the bad guys were put
away and things started to settle back to normal. Except things couldn't
get totally back to normal because I had realized that I was in love with
my partner. Not just an affection, or strong friendship - because we were
good friends. But complete, utter, break-your-heart, head-over-heels in
love. This realization was so huge that it had taken me a long time to
understand it and deal with it. 

 For one thing, I was shocked that I could feel this way again. I thought
Stella had twisted my heart forever. When we divorced, she took a large
chunk of my soul along with the house and furniture. All my relationships
since then have been meaningless, one-night stands or otherwise
unsatisfactory. 

 And for another thing, my partner was a man. I'll admit to experimenting
with the gay thing a little bit when I was younger, but I hadn't had
sexual feelings toward a man in a long time. So I probably took longer to
realize what I was feeling because it hadn't occurred to me that Fraser
was in that category. But once it did, I fell for him. Hard. 

 But honestly, it wasn't really the sex thing that was throwing me. It's
that it was Fraser that I was feeling this way about. 

 So by the time we sent Muldoon to the gray bar hotel, I had pretty much
decided to end our partnership. It was too hard to keep working with him
and pretending. That we were just friends and partners. That he didn't
mean more to me every day. That I was the same old Ray that I was before.
It was impossible to continue the charade. I thought that it would be
better if we moved on, and that he should get a transfer back home to
Canada. Somehow, though, he convinced me to take one last adventure with
him. 

 "What adventure?" I asked. 

 "The one we talked about when we were trapped in the crevasse - to find
the Hand of Franklin, reaching for the Beaufort Sea," he said. 

 I debated with myself, back and forth - I should go and spend the last
days of our partnership together with him, and try to enjoy it; I
shouldn't go because out there in the wilderness I couldn't hide my
feelings from him. Fraser, though, is very persuasive, and when he asked
me again to go with him, I said yes. 

 Once we were on the trail, it took a few days for me to settle down
enough to be nervous around him. Travelling by dogsled in subzero
temperatures and camping out in the open took all of my strength. I didn't
have any left for anxiety about a relationship with Fraser. 

 But one night, after we'd settled into a routine and I had enough energy
to think again, I decided that maybe I should tell him. Tell him that I
loved him and that that's why I couldn't be his partner anymore. Actually,
in other circumstances, it would have been a very romantic situation. The
fire, the stars, the Northern Lights. I couldn't believe I was going to
end it all right here. But even though I really didn't want it to end, I
knew it had to. Fraser never would want to continue to be my partner once
he knew how I felt. 

 I was getting up my courage to tell him all of this, when he cleared his
throat. "Ray, I've been meaning to say something to you." 

 I sighed, because I wanted to be the one to break the news. I hate
getting dumped. But for some reason I held back, and just said, "Okay,
what?" 

 "Ray, I know we...I mean, this may not be...Ray, you and I have been..." 

 "Fraser, just spit it out." 

 He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Ray, I love you." 

 I was absolutely dumbfounded. I think my mouth even dropped open. I
couldn't say anything, mainly because my stomach had leapt into my throat.
He wasn't looking at me, just at the fire. Then I noticed that his gloved
hands were shaking like crazy. Had he really just said what I thought he
said? He dared to look at me, but I still couldn't speak. 

 He started talking to himself: "I knew I shouldn't have said anything. I
knew it would be too much. Why did I have to ruin everything..." 

 I started shaking my head when I realized what he was doing. 'No, no, you
didn't ruin anything,' I thought. But he wasn't looking at me, couldn't
see me negating his words, so I jumped up and walked over to sit next to
him. He fell silent. "Fraser?" was all I could say. 

 Still staring into the fire, he said nothing. I put my arm around his
shoulder and said his name again. "Fraser?" I reached up to his chin and
turned his face to me. I saw a single tear fall down his face. 

 Oh, lord, I'd never felt such relief and love well up in me before. Here
I was, thinking that I'd be saying goodbye to him on this trip, and then
he dropped this bombshell on me. The thing I wanted most of all but hadn't
dared hope for. And I saw all the anxiety and hope I was feeling reflected
back at me through his eyes. I smiled at him and leaned in, kissing him
gently on the lips. I stretched my arms around him and pulled him close in
a hug, and I felt him trembling. 

 I couldn't believe this was really happening. I could almost accept that
this was all a dream, if it weren't for the warmth of Fraser's body
pressed up against mine in contrast to the biting cold air, or the
crushing grip of Fraser's arms around me, or the smell of his skin - a
mixture of wood smoke and Diefenbaker, sweat and his own unique spicy
scent. 

 Well, we spent the next week right there at that campsite, getting to
know each other, in this new way. I figured it would be more adventurous
than finding the Hand of Franklin. And it was. We didn't do everything -
neither one of us was ready for that - but we explored each other
physically, and mentally. We established ground rules, boundaries, the
terms of our new relationship. We talked about everything, and kissed each
other until our lips were raw. We even fought, and made up. It was the
best week I can remember having in a long, long time. 

 When we got back to Chicago, we had to sort out how to work with each
other again, and be in a relationship at the same time. It wasn't easy. In
fact, we almost killed each other on several occasions. Misunderstandings.
But we finally got back into a rhythm, and it suited us. 

 Now don't get me wrong: when we're working, he's still just as
infuriating as he ever was. And we still argue about...well, everything.
But after that week...I don't know. We were a real team, Fraser & I. 

 So nine months went by, and I decided that we should take a vacation
together. Fraser needed to go to Ottawa on some sort of official errand
for the consulate, so I figured, Okay, Vermont. Skiing, bed & breakfast,
the works. Whatever, as long as we got out of the city. We flew into
Ottawa and he did what he had to do. (Sometimes I think he's little more
than an errand boy at that consulate, but that's another story.)
Afterwards we rented a car and drove across the border to Burlington,
Vermont, then to a little B&B on the outskirts of town. 

 We shopped, we skied, we spent hours in the hot tub, we made love, and
generally relaxed. Well, he relaxed as much as a Mountie ever can. After a
particularly good day, we were soaking in the Jacuzzi, kissing, talking,
enjoying each other. Then Fraser looks at me and blurts out, "Ray, will
you marry me?" 

 Just like when he told me he loved me, I was speechless. Fraser started
babbling out of nervousness. "I mean, we're here in Vermont, and this is
the one state where we can get married, and we could get a marriage
license, and this is kind of like our honeymoon already, and you know I
love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you..." 

 Now, I hadn't known that. I knew Fraser had strong feelings for me, and I
knew that he had made his peace with being with me, and with being gay, as
I had. But we'd never talked like that before, not seriously. Not
long-term. I finally found my voice and interrupted his anxious monologue.
"Fraser! Yes, I'll marry you!" 

 He then started to blither in relief. "Oh, Ray, I'm so happy, you have no
idea how scared I was to ask you, I wasn't sure if you wanted to be-"
Again, I interrupted him, but this time with a kiss. We ended up screwing
right there in the Jacuzzi, a possessive, urgent act that joined us
together more than any vows ever could. 

 The next day, Fraser completely surprised me - again - by having the day
planned out, the most romantic, thoughtful, wonderful day of my life. He
had arranged everything ahead of time - the Justice of the Peace, the
rings, the licenses, the clothes, everything. He even had a couple of his
Mountie buddies there to stand up for us. 

 I almost got mad at him when I realized what he had done: arranged the
whole day, and he'd obviously had to do it before he asked me, so what if
I hadn't said yes? But then he explained - with lots of hugging and
kissing and reassurance - that he was just hoping for the best, and that
he wanted to be fully prepared if I had said yes. And I'm really glad he
did, because the day was truly perfect. 

 Today, three months later, I still marvel at the idea that I'm married.
That Fraser & I are joined for life. For instance, I'll catch a glimpse of
the ring as I'm doing something, like interviewing a suspect, and it'll
take me completely off guard. I have to stop what I'm doing and think
about my husband. It's strange. But unlike my relationship with Stella, my
marriage to Fraser just seems to be getting stronger every day. And every
day, I love Fraser more. The days go by, and I look forward to spending
each one with my partner, my husband, my Fraser. 

 END 

End My Fraser by tiffany: tttm333@yahoo.com

Author and story notes above.