All My Life      All My Life

 by Innusiq

  

 Author's website: http://www.tuktoyaktuk.net/innusiq/

 Disclaimer: 

 Author's Notes: Comments and feedback welcome and appreciated. 

 Story Notes: Main spoilers for the episode "Flashback."

 

 

 All My Life
 by: Jenny Hill 

 What is it that makes some men believe they can get away with cheating on
their wives and not only cheat on them once but over and over again? Take
this Clifford guy for instance, first he cheats on his wife and then he
cheats on his own mistress with another and yet another. One wife and
three mistresses and he still couldn't find happiness? Some men may
believe he had all the luck, but others would choose to differ. Ray was
one of the "others." 

 Ray looked up from the report he was trying to finish up before calling
it a day and stared across the room a the two-timing husband in question.
What happened that made him want to cheat on his wife in the first place?
If he wasn't happy, why not get out rather than spinning a web of lies
that eventually caught him? 

 Ray had been married previously and even though it may not have been the
most perfect marriage, he never ever thought about cheating on his wife.
During his marriage, for the most part, he was happy. He never would claim
anything other than that but he knew he wasn't satisfied. Ray also knew
that the answer was not a seedy affair. The logical answer was a divorce.
It was the least he could do for Angie, the most honorable thing he could
do. It would have been a slap in the face to have chosen "Cliffie's"
answer to his own marital woes. 

 Bringing his attention back to his report, Ray typed the last few
sentences and pulled the sheet of paper out of the typewriter he insisted
on using rather than the computer. He wasn't afraid of computers but some
days it was just easier to do it the old fashioned way rather than the
technological way. Someone had to keep the Liquid Paper industry in the
black and Ray figured he might as well be the one. 

 Slipping the report into its corresponding file folder, Ray carried it to
his Lieutenant's office, dropped it on Welsh's desk and retreated back
into the squad room without muttering one word to his superior officer.
Welsh seemed pleased enough that they had solved the case with very little
expenditure, so Ray thought it best to keep quiet. The less he said the
less chance there was of him putting his foot in his mouth as he had a
tendency of doing. 

 Crossing back through the chaotic room, Ray made his way to his muddled
desk and was met by his partner in the process. 

 Fraser was returning from the canteen with an ice pack in hand. The man
looked tired, Ray could see that but he also knew that Fraser would never
admit to such fatigue even if his weakened condition was expected after
everything that had happened to him throughout the day. 

 The day began as any other normal day, which probably should have been a
warning sign in the first place. There never was a normal day in his life
since meeting Benton Fraser of the R.C.M.P., but that really wasn't a bad
thing. If anything, the day Ray met Fraser was a turning point in his
life. The last piece of the puzzle fell into place and even though in
those very first moments the picture wasn't fully clear, Ray adjusted to
the changes in his life naturally. 

 So the day began with Ray dropping the Mountie off at the consulate in
the morning and continued with heading off to work himself. Due to a slow
workweek, what followed was paperwork that Ray had been neglecting even in
the down time. It was shaping up to be a humdrum day until lunch. 

 Fraser arrived at his normal time and Ray offered to run out and grab
everyone lunch. It was an excuse to get out of the building for a few
minutes but no one questioned the motive behind his generosity. His offer
only meant they didn't have to worry about what they would be having for
lunch and Fraser, well Fraser was happy to be of service to the men and
women of the 27th precinct as always. 

 It was the need in Fraser to be of help that led them into trouble. It
wasn't trouble per say but it took them where Ray never wanted to go
again. He never wanted to face the possibility of a life without Fraser,
for that life didn't seem possible to survive in. 

 The "trouble" started with an attempted jewelry heist that progressed
into the kidnapping of the store's owner/manager. Fraser, being Fraser,
did what instinct and duty dictated him to do. He chased after the van the
kidnappers had escaped in and he actually was able to catch up to it,
jumping on and clinging to the back of the vehicle through high speeds and
sharp turns but luck was not on his side. One turn too many caused Fraser
to lose his grip of the back of the van he had heroically jumped onto but
his grip wasn't the only thing Fraser had to lose. 

 Ray took his seat behind his desk and Fraser took his own seat in the
guest chair. Ray was still feeling a bit giddy over the fact that Fraser
was back. His "Benny" had been returned to him even if he never really had
been gone, physically. His giddiness subsided as Fraser placed the ice
pack he was carrying on the back of his head. 

 "You okay?" Ray asked as he leaned forward, taking a good look at
Fraser's face trying to judge his true state of being by body language and
facial expressions. 

 Fraser offered a smile but his heart wasn't in it. He was tired but he
didn't want to worry Ray with the truth. He had worried his partner far
too much in recent days unnecessarily and it was the least he could do to
relieve Ray of any guilt he felt. 

 "I'm fine, Ray," was Fraser initial reply. "It's just a little bump on
the head," he added, removing the ice pack from its position over the bump
he had been neglecting for most of the day, along with all the aches and
pains that accompanied a person falling off the back of a moving van. His
body was quickly becoming aware of its own limitations that Fraser had a
tendency of forgetting about. 

 Ray frowned at Fraser's lack of honesty or more his lack of willingness
to admit how he truly felt. Ray closed his eyes with an annoyed yet
expected sigh. 

 Blindly reaching for his keys, Ray stood up. 

 "Come on Benny, let's get you home." 

 Ray moved around his desk to lead the way out, not stopping to make sure
that Fraser was following. He nodded a goodbye to Elaine and continued
though the doors that led to the front corridor of the precinct. He wasn't
even certain that Fraser was following until he heard his voice. 

 "Ah . . . Ray?" 

 Ray stopped, turning to face Fraser. 

 "Yeah?" 

 "Is there anything wrong?" Fraser asked with the most innocent and
clueless look on his face. 

 Ray sighed again. 

 "No Benny, everything is just fine. Is there anything wrong with you?" 

 Fraser's expression was blank as he refused to answer in another
half-truth. He was fine, in a sense, in his opinion. There had been days
where he felt worse or was in worse condition than now but Ray would most
likely reprimand him for dismissing his current state of health. 

 Ray simply smiled at Fraser, letting him off the hook, and wrapped an arm
around his shoulders. 

 "Come on, let's get out of here," Ray said as he continued leading the
way out. 

 The camaraderie was most welcomed after the day they had. Everything was
back to normal. Fraser was his best friend and unofficial partner,
annoying and clueless all at the same time and it was wonderful. It was
everything that Ray had come to love about his life. 

 Ray was grinning as he slid in behind the wheel of the Riv and the grin
was still in place when Fraser slid in next to him in the passenger seat. 

 Fraser observed the smile and his return grin was uncontrollable, along
with the blush that tinted his cheeks. Everything was back to the way he
remembered it being before he couldn't remember anything that mattered in
his life. 

 The strange thing about amnesia was that while one is suffering from the
condition, he has no memory of what life was like previous to the moment
of total memory loss. That is what amnesia is but in that flash point of
clarity, of receiving all the memories, thoughts and feelings back, not
only does a person have their life back but they also carry with them the
memory of the life that wasn't theirs for a short time. The life they led
as a perfect stranger to all around them and themselves. 

 The minutes that followed his fall off the back of the get away van were
alarming if not down right frightening. At that very moment, the point of
contact of his head with the pavement, he couldn't comprehend the fear but
in the time that followed his memory's return that was when the fear began
settling in. It wasn't fear for himself for Fraser knew that had he not
gained his memory back, he wouldn't truly be affected by it. He wouldn't
have had the knowledge of the past to mourn its loss. His fear was for
Ray. 

 Ray held his memory, their memory. He held it in the safety of his head
and heart. Fraser could only speculate what Ray was going through but he
was quite certain that losing his best friend would break the man,
especially with a carbon copy reminder of what he once had, following him
around like a lost puppy. Fraser could see that in the disappointed and
heartbreaking looks Ray let slip during their time together as strangers. 

 "Hey Benny?" 

 Fraser turned towards Ray and by the look on his face Fraser could see it
wasn't the first time Ray had said his name. 

 "I'm sorry Ray, what did you say?" 

 "Where were you?" 

 "Where was I? I was right here, Ray." 

 "Yeah, I know you're here," Ray conceded with the roll of his eyes. "But
your mind is obviously some place else. I mean we've been sitting in front
of your building with not one acknowledgment from you. What were you
thinking?" 

 Fraser shook his head with a thumb rub across his eyebrow. "It's nothing,
Ray. I was just thinking about today, that is all." 

 Ray nodded understanding. "It was a bit scary there for a while, wasn't
it?" 

 Ray began exiting the vehicle before receiving a response from Fraser and
Fraser had no other choice but to follow suit. 

 Ray led the way into the building and up the stairs, all the way to
Fraser's apartment. He didn't even hesitate with opening the door and
entering, knowing it would be unlocked as always. 

 Diefenbaker barked, greeting Ray. He jumped off the small cot and made a
beeline to his favorite American. Ray stooped down, offering a greeting of
his own by a scratch behind his ears. 

 Fraser closed the apartment door behind him and his arrival caused
Diefenbaker to step back, weary of how he would be greeted this time. 

 The wolf whimpered and looked up at Ray for reassurance. 

 Ray looked up at Fraser who was shocked by Diefenbaker's reaction.
Diefenbaker had been present at the time of Fraser's memory returning but
post arrest, Ray asked one of the detectives to drop the wolf off at
Fraser's apartment for his nightly meal and walk that would be provided
their young friend, Willie. 

 "Hey, it's okay," Ray said trying to soothe both of his friends.
"Remember, last time you didn't know who he was. Can you blame him for
being cautious?" 

 Fraser still didn't move. He was finally realizing the gravity of their
recent situation. 

 Ray gave his attention to Diefenbaker who was still waiting for someone
to confirm everything was okay. 

 "It's okay, Dief. He's back for good now," Ray said with another scratch
behind the ears. 

 Those words caused guilt to seep in. At that moment, a light popped on in
Fraser's head. It was like he finally realized that his actions had equal
and opposite reactions. There were repercussions that were beyond his
control once he made certain choices in his life, like jumping on the back
of moving van, locking himself in a vault filling with water or running
after a woman who didn't really love him. There had been many choices that
he had made in his life and each time he only ever thought of himself in
the decision process as if no one would be effected by the outcome. 

 His choices not only affected him now but Ray and Diefenbaker and all
whom cared about him. It was hard to get use to that knowledge, knowing
that he had people whom cared about him. He had a family now. Fraser had
lived so long on his own, with his father as his only living relative that
when he did make choices and decisions, he was the only one effected by
them. His life was different now and he wouldn't trade it for the world. 

 Diefenbaker turned his eyes towards Fraser, still not believing Ray,
seeking the confirmation only Fraser could offer. 

 Another whimper from the wolf brought Fraser back to the present and he
immediately stooped down to greet his wolf. 

 Diefenbaker was hesitant at first but the look in Fraser's eyes made his
tail start wagging and he moved quickly towards his friend, finally
believing that Ray was telling the truth. He started licking Fraser's face
immediately and that act had Fraser laughing. 

 Once Diefenbaker was satisfied with his thorough exhibit of his
overwhelming happiness, he gave Fraser one final lick before moving off,
leaving his two pack mates in their stooped positions, facing each other. 

 Fraser watched Diefenbaker pad over to the kitchen table and crawl back
under, taking up the position he held before they had entered the
apartment. Releasing a contented sigh, the wolf placed his head on his
front paws and closed his eyes for a much-needed nap after all the day's
worrying. 

 He was smiling when he turned his attention back to Ray, who was simply
staring at him. Fraser cleared his throat as he dropped his eyes to the
floor. His smile disappeared as well. 

 "Come on," Ray said with a motion of his hands to stand up. 

 Fraser's stiff muscles finally refused to cooperate and standing didn't
seem to be an option for him but he pushed himself to keep trying. 

 Ray noticed the difficulty Fraser was having and offered assistance or an
arm wrapped behind his back and a shoulder to lean on. 

 "Ya know Benny, you don't have to be the picture perfect Mountie all the
time." 

 Ray helped Fraser walk over to the bed and eased him down gently. 

 "I mean you've been tossed from a van like a rag doll today, it's
perfectly acceptable to be a bit under par so to speak. You're not going
in to work tomorrow, are you?" 

 Fraser looked up at Ray, his denial face fastened in place. 

 "Ray, I'm fine . . ." 

 "Benny, you couldn't even get up a minute ago. You think you are well
enough to go to work tomorrow?" 

 "I've been though worse," Fraser comment, staring at his clasped hands. 

 "Yeah, and you were a stubborn mule then, too!" 

 The accusation caught Fraser unawares. His head popped up to see a very
determined look on Ray's face. He knew then that he wouldn't be able to
win this debate, no matter how hard he tried. The "Big-Eyed Mountie Look"
couldn't even help him out of this one. 

 "I assure you Ray that I am fine." 

 "Yeah and I assure you that I don't believe you. Listen, can't you let me
take care of you? I think I know what's best for you now." 

 "I am capable of taking care of myself." 

 "Yeah, yeah I know you're a Mountie but you are also human and human
beings need a little recuperation time okay? I think Inspector Thatcher
would agree with me upon this one subject," Ray stated as he pulled out
his cell phone to call into the Consulate in hopes of catching someone
before they left for the day. 

 "It's probably one of the only things we can agree upon," Ray muttered as
he paced into the kitchen to complete his call. 

 Even if she didn't agree with him this time around he would make her
agree with him no matter what. She may be able to push her subordinate
around but Ray was never phased by her attitude. Her attitude was nothing
but a show of weakness in his eyes. It was her way of keeping control of
"her people" in order to look good, to prove to the higher-ups that she
was in control when really it was her subordinates that allowed her to be
in control. 

 Fraser sat quietly as he watched over Ray's movements during his call. He
had gotten through to the Inspector and after much persuasion on his part,
he was successful in convincing Inspector Thatcher of his need for a day
off. Fraser couldn't help but to admit to himself that he was a little
grateful. 

 With a flip of his wrist, Ray closed his phone and set it on the kitchen
table. 

 "There, that's done and I don't want to see any pouting from you," Ray
instructed of Fraser as he walked back to him. 

 Fraser cleared his throat before responding. "Thank you kindly, Ray." 

 There was a look of surprise on Ray's face but then that subsided into a
thankful smile. He was thankful he wasn't going to have to put up with a
sulking Mountie for the evening. A sulking wolf was one think but a
sulking Mountie was intolerable. 

 "Do you want me to help you out of the uniform?" 

 Fraser shook his head. "No, I can undress myself, thank you but if you
could hang it up . . . that would be most appreciated." 

 Ray accepted his role and as the garments of the red serge uniform were
divested, he took care in arranging them and hanging them up properly, all
the way down to the belts and the regulation boots that had their own
special way of being stored to keep their shape. Ray even took the time to
place the Stetson in its hat press. 

 When he returned, Fraser had already reclined in the bed, eyes shut and
for all intense purposes, he looked to be sleeping. He was dressed in
white shorts and T-shirt but was under the covers. 

 "Ah, you know I should probably wake you now and again, just to be safe."


 Fraser opened his eyes, nodding, agreeing with Ray. 

 "Okay, you get a little rest and I'll wake you when the food arrives." 

 Fraser closed his eyes again and relaxed in the bed feeling safe and
loved as he always did when Ray took care of him. 

 And Ray ordered food, the easiest and quickest which always seem to be
pizza. Once their order was place, he retrieved one of the rickety kitchen
chairs and carried over to Fraser's cot. Positioning it at the corner
juncture of the cot and Fraser Sr.'s trunk, Ray took a seat and watched
over Fraser as he slept. 

 Ray leaned forward running a hand over his shorn head, the gesture
expressing his anxiety over the day's events. 

 After being disrupted by the removal of a chair, Diefenbaker padded his
way over to Ray and sat down next to him, watching Ray watch Fraser. 

 "We had a close call today," Ray stated to the deaf wolf, looking down at
his furry friend. 

 Diefenbaker whined his response, agreeing with Ray. 

 Ray began petting the wolf, reassuring him as well as himself that
everything was all right. 

 "I can't imagine what I would've done had he not come back." 

 There was fear in Ray's voice, genuine fear and even though the wolf
couldn't hear it, Fraser could. 

 "Ray?" 

 Ray sat up straight, startled by Fraser's conscious state. 

 "Ah . . . yeah Benny?" 

 "Have you ordered dinner?" 

 Ray relaxed at the common question. 

 "Yeah, pizza will be here in about an hour. Must be a busy night." 

 Fraser stretched delicately and scooted around the small area allotted by
his bed. 

 "Could you do me a favor?" 

 Ray jumped at the chance to do anything. He hated sitting idle with time
to think after the close call they had. 

 "Sure Benny, what do you need?" 

 "Well, seeing we have time before the pizza arrives, I thought you might
want . . . well, that is that you could . . . I mean only if you want . .
." 

 Ray was staring at Fraser as if the man had turned into a goat and
started bah-ing, not understanding what exactly he was asking for until
the light in his head snapped on brightly. The look in Fraser's eyes
explained the request clearly and it was all Ray needed to see. 

 Ray smiled as he stood up, removing his suit jacket, watch, gun and badge
in that order. He sat down on the edge of the bed to remove his shoes and
then crawled under the covers with Fraser to lay down, face to face. 

 "God I missed you today," Ray stated and he caressed Fraser's face,
touching him for the fist time as a lover since Fraser got his memory
back. 

 "I am sorry, Ray." 

 Fraser took hold of Ray's hand and brought it up to his lips for a kiss. 

 "I'm so very sorry." 

 "What are you apologizing for? It wasn't you're fault." 

 Ray defending him made Fraser feel even guiltier. 

 "But it was Ray, I didn't think. I acted on instinct, knowing I needed to
help but I didn't take into consideration the consequences that would lie
in the aftermath. I didn't think about you." 

 Ray shook his head. 

 "Benny, you didn't need to think about me at that moment. We can't really
think about each other when we are working. If we start doing that, we'll
end up getting ourselves or each other killed. That we can not do. I know
you, I know that what you did today is you and accept that. I can't say it
doesn't scare the crap out of me but I can accept it and today, everything
turned out fine. We got the bad guys, you got your memory back and we are
here now, safe, unharmed . . . for the most part . . . and I'm happy. I'm
happy to have you in my arms. I'm happy to have Superman loving me . . .
of course Lois Lane may have a few choice words for me . . . " 

 "Ray . . . " 

 "Sorry, but even if I was scared today, that doesn't mean you made a bad
decision. Had you not gotten a look at the plate, we never would have
solved the case. So in the end, although it was a death-defying stunt, it
was necessary. I'm just glad you are back. Next to my family, you are my
life." 

 There was a grumble heard from the floor next to the bed and Ray had to
amend his final statement. 

 "You and the wolf." 

 Fraser was too choked up to respond, his eyes glistening with happy
tears. 

 "I know," Ray said, letting Fraser off the hook, responding in his words.
"And you mine, Ray." 

 Ray leaned in and kissed Fraser. He wouldn't allow it to be anything more
than a kiss of reassurance, letting Fraser know that everything was all
right. He knew Fraser needed to rest and that there would be plenty of
time after he was fully recuperated for them to enjoy each other's company
to the fullest extent. 

 "Now close your eyes and get some rest," Ray instructed and he settled in
the bed with Fraser in his arms. 

 Fraser relaxed in the embrace and released a contented sigh. This was
everything he had ever wanted in life and now that he found it, he knew
this was how his life would be for the rest of his days. His life was
wrapped up in Ray and Ray's was wrapped up in his. They both gave and
received love. They both respected on another as equals. They both
understood who the other person was and accepted with love what they could
not and didn't want to change. 

 They were one and this is what they wanted for all their lives.  

 All my Life
 America 

 All my life, without a doubt I give you All my life, now and forever till
the 
 Day I die, you and I will share 

 All the things this changing world can offer So I sing, I'd be happy just
to 
 Stay this way, spend each day, with you 

 There was a time, that I just thought 
 That I would lose my mind 
 You came along and then the sun did shine We started on our way 
 I do recall that every moment spent 
 Was wasted time but then I chose to lay it on the line 

 I put the past away 
 I put the past away 
 I put the past away 

 All my life, I will carry you through 
 All my life, between each hour of the passing days I will stay with you 

 There was a time, that I just thought 
 That I would lose my mind 
 You came along and then the sun did shine We started on our way 
 I do recall that every moment spent 
 Was wasted time then I chose to lay it on the line 

 I want this all my life 
 I want this all my life 
 I want this all my life 
 I want this all my life 
 I want this all my life 
 I wanted this all my life 

End All My Life by Innusiq: Joymakers@neo.rr.com

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