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      	  B: Journal 
 by Dee Gilles	

 Disclaimer: For entertainment only.

 

 Benny & Ray 130 Journal Dee Gilles Rated R

 Sunday October 8 9:15 p.m.

 Ray and I danced together, intimately, yesterday evening, at Tommy and
Bruno's wedding, in a tent lit only by small table lamps, surrounded by
other couples like us. I don't think that Ray was very comfortable at
first, but he seemed to get more mellow as the evening progressed. After
our last dance, Ray publicly gave me a very intimate kiss. I can't think
of another time when he has kissed me so publicly.

 As we were taking our leave for the evening, Tommy and Bruno asked us if
we would like to join them New Year's Eve in Saugatuck. They were renting
a cabin on the lake for the occasion, and there were two bedrooms. It
would just a quiet evening for the four of us. I liked the idea very much,
but bit my tongue and let Ray answer for us. After a long moment of
hesitation, he accepted the invitation. I was thrilled.

 We came home, got Carie settled in to bed, and then we stayed up for
hours making love. 

 The wedding had been beautiful, and Tommy and Bruno looked so happy. I
envied Tommy DeBenedetto. I think he's so courageous in many ways.

 It seems as though everybody around me is getting married. Maggie married
Avery. I called immediately after the ceremony to offer my
congratulations, and apologize once more that I could not attend. I was
happy to hear that she received my gift in time. I had arranged for an
Inuit craftsman to prepare a walrus pelt for the occasion. Maggie said it
was the finest, softest pelt she had ever felt. Marg Gamez's eldest
daughter Maria is marrying in El Salvador this Christmas. Jack Huey is
marrying Jan in the spring, in Trinidad. Next summer, John Ayers is going
to marry a young lady named Audie Jones, whom he has been dating for about
a year. They have already moved in together in John's new house.

 At the end of the month, Stanley will be renting the upper floor of John
Ayers' two-flat. Thomas Dewey and I will be helping him move. Stan assured
us that it would take no more than a couple of hours, most likely, because
most of his furniture was being left next to the dumpster. I was grateful
that it was short work. Ray and I will have a rare weekend day off
together, and I want to spend it with him.

 Stanley has been in great spirits these days. He and Stella's
relationship seems to have blossomed anew. I'd never seen Stanley happier,
although he is reluctant to go into details with me. I know he wants to
spare my feelings, which I appreciated; Stella Kowalski is a sensitive
subject between us, and we thought it best not be dwelled on for the sake
of our partnership.

 Jack Huey has invited Ray and me to his Halloween party. It has become in
recent years something of the stuff of legends. Ray and I have not been
since Carie was born, however. We looked forward to going again. We
thought we might go early, and take Carie with us. Ray wants to go
shopping for costumes on Saturday. We have decided to go as Dagwood and
Blondie, with Carie as our Baby Dumpling. Ray even joked that Pearson
could go as Daisy the wonder dog. My costume is easy, requiring only a
curly blonde wig and a dress, but we aren't sure exactly what Ray's
costume should entail.

 The annual lease on our apartment is up for renewal at the end of next
month. We have lived here for eight years, and Ray feels that with an
active child and a dog, we have outgrown the place. Ray asked what I
thought about moving into the house on Octavia. I can certainly understand
his thought process. The house is emptying quickly as Maria and Tony's
children grow up. Donny has enlisted in the Navy, and will be reporting to
the Great Lakes Naval Training Center right after the New Year. His
departure leaves only Marissa and Rosanna at home, and Rosanna, now that
she is in high school, is already talking of going to art school in New
York or Los Angeles. 

 I expressed some reservation to Ray about living on Octavia. The fact is
that he and I have resumed a very vigorous and lively sexual life since
our reconciliation, and I am reluctant to possibly but a damper on things
by living under the same roof as other adults. I am also somewhat
reluctant to share Ray's attention with Ma and Maria. It is extremely
selfish of me, I know. But now that I have Ray back, I don't wan to give
him over to anyone else. 

 I can certainly see the benefits to living there as well. Firstly, Carie
would grow up under the same roof as her girl cousins and have an aunt and
grandmother close by to help Ray and me with child-rearing duties.
Secondly, we would save $1200 a month on rent. We could afford to sock
away some money for Carie's college fund, plus be able to travel more,
which would be wonderful. I told Ray I'd give the matter some heavy
thought. 

 We are not certain how much longer Ma will be in residence. Gigi has all
but convinced her to retire and move to Florida to be with her. She is
considering living in Florida in the winters, if not year round. She is
with Gigi in Boca Raton now for three weeks, ostensibly to see how she
likes living in Florida long term, but actually she is there seeing if she
can tolerate living with her sister 24 hours a day. Ma hasn't called in
several days, which means she's too busy or having too good of a time to
think of us.

 I would miss her terribly if she does in fact go. She is essentially the
only mother I have ever known; I've never had someone to advise me and
care for me as she has. She is affectionate and strong. I trust her with
everything that I am.

 Saturday October 14 9 p.m.

 Time for bed shortly. I am exhausted. I have been up since 4 a.m.,
working on my paper for my `Applications of Hierarchical Linear Models'
class. I got up this morning so that I would have the afternoon to spend
with Ray. 

 He took me to the Bulls-Piston game while Rosanna kept Carie, and then we
met her and Carie and Tony and Maria and Marissa at Chuck E. Cheese. The
girls had a wonderful time playing together. Their noise and energy was
exciting. Rosanna loves Carie fiercely. She seems to mimic her grandmother
in her mannerism and child-care style, and I love her for that.

 It was very chilly this morning when I arose. Autumn is fast upon us. I
put on a sweater and went to use the computer set up in Carie's room to
work on my paper. Although I didn't need to worry about waking Carie up, I
realized that eventually I'd like a workspace separate from our daughter's
bedroom. When she is older, she'd insist upon it. My thoughts turned to
what kind of living arrangement Ray and I should make next. We had to
notify the landlord in two weeks if we were moving. It would be nice to
buy a house of our own, but we simply didn't have the funds for it right
now, nor were we likely to, at least until I finished my degree. Even so,
it's nice to imagine. We'd have a house with a front porch, a large
backyard, a fireplace. A sleeping porch would be nice. I used to sleep
outside in the summers as a child. I missed that. 

 Just as I finished my paper and shut down the computer, Carie awakened.
She sat up with a smile when she realized I was in the room, and held out
her arms to me, ready to play. It was 7 a.m. and I wanted to keep her
quiet a little longer. I got into bed with her, snuggled her in my arms,
before reading to her Winnie the Pooh and Make Way for Ducklings. She
curled in the crook of my arm and lay her head on my chest, and I kissed
her and stroked her hair, caressed her forehead. I smiled into Carie's doe
eyes, suddenly overcome with a veritable spring tide of emotion. Had Mum
ever done this with me? I wished I had more memories of her. I love you, I
told my Carolina. I love you. I thought of my father, too, remembering at
some point that he took me to the public library, once, when I was perhaps
seven. Of course, I was beyond the age that he read to me, but I do
remember sitting on his knee. I wondered how my Dad was now. I wondered if
he was watching Carie and me right now. Somehow, I thought he was. I hoped
he approved of the job I was doing. I felt a touch of a feather on my
forehead, I think.

 Shortly after I finished Ducklings, Carie got restless, wriggled away
from me, and opted for tearing after Pearson in the living room. She began
to screech with delight, which set Pearson to barking, which woke Ray up.
He wasn't happy with any of us, since he had worked from 2 pm to midnight
last night, and could use a few hours more sleep. To make it up to him, I
cooked him a large breakfast of pancakes, sausage and eggs. I served it to
him in bed, which led to our fooling around in bed. In the living room, I
put on for Carie her favorite Blue's Clues DVD, and came back to the
bedroom and locked the door. Ray and I had precisely twenty-two minutes in
which to make love. We were finished in fifteen. When I checked on Carie
again, she and Pearson lay together on the floor, paying rapt attention to
the program, having evidently not moved an inch the entire time.

 I have to work in the morning, so I must get some rest tonight. I am
working a nine day-stretch with no day off, beginning tomorrow. I know I
have no right to complain, but that seems like an undue amount of time.
Captain Briggs has taken over writing the department schedule. It has
always been the division captain's task to write the schedule, but Captain
Miller had always allowed the Lieutenant to write it. Lt. Welsh was always
careful to give us personal consideration. The captain also has me working
several late shifts, forcing me to look for other childcare options.
Neither Rosalie nor Chloe can look after Carie at night. We may have to
rely on Ma and Maria even more so, but I felt our constant impositions
were unfair to them, although they both assured me that they were happy to
look after Carie. 

 I will admit that I am unhappy and uncomfortable with Captain Briggs, but
there is nothing to be done about it. I am acutely aware of the way he
stares at me. Friday, he said something very untoward to me. We were in
the canteen alone together, and it was early morning. I must be careful
not to be alone with him. 

 Seeing Briggs again reminded me once more of the abrupt departure of
Officer Dudley, my old mentor and partner. I had asked Ray a long time ago
to look into it, but he got sidetracked, I supposed, and never got around
to it. It may be time to begin a discreet investigation of my own.

 Saturday October 21 6:30 a.m.

 I am finally better again, although Ray has insisted that I remain in
bed. I have only been home since last night. My goodness, it turned into a
dreadful week. I became so ill I actually cried in misery, just a little,
for a brief moment. Never have I been so sick in all of my life.

 I woke up Monday morning feeling stiff and achy. My joints ached so badly
that I wondered if I was becoming afflicted with arthritis all of a
sudden. I got myself to work, and within the first hour, I felt I could
barely lift my arms or keep my head up. I felt feverish. Stan told me to
go home, that he would be glad to drive me, since Ray had the car. I felt
so horrible I didn't resist his suggestion. 

 However, Briggs refused to release me. I believe he thought I was faking
it, which I found incredibly insulting. I did my best to work through the
agony. By eleven o'clock I had vomited the entire contents of my stomach,
and finally put my head down on my desk. It felt like my body weighed a
thousand pounds. Stan got me ginger ale and peppermint candy to settle my
stomach, but I was too far gone for that. 

 I closed my eyes and either passed out or fell asleep for a little while.
When I came to, I felt hands on my shoulders. Ray.

 I asked him what he was doing here, and he said that Michael Doyle had
called him. "I'm taking you home," he said. 

 "But I can't." I said. "Briggs" 

 "Fuck Briggs," Ray said. I had never been so grateful. 

 Looking into Ray's green eyes, I suddenly felt the urge to heave. "I'm
sorry," I said, and ran to the men's room. It was only the dry heaves this
time. 

 When I pulled myself together and returned to the bullpen, Ray was chest
to chest with Briggs, right in his face. They bumped chests. It looked
like Stanley was trying to intercede. "Ray!" I called. My voice sounded so
weak, even to my own ears. Ray took one look at me, and came right to my
side, not without making some sort of remark to Briggs that I couldn't
make out. Ray gave Briggs a small shove. He then slung my arm around his
shoulder, and guided me outside to the car, which Michael had been kind
enough to pull up to the back door.

 Ray told me that I was very pale. I was shaking from simple fear, because
I didn't know what was happening to me. Other than a head cold a few years
ago, I had never been ill. Ray drove me to the emergency room. Turns out
that I had influenza. It was late afternoon by the time we got through.
Ray felt it was best that he set me up at the house, so that I could be
looked after. I agreed, mostly because I didn't want to be at home and
expose Carie, or Ray, for that matter. Ray tended to pick up viruses very
easily, and tended to get severely sick for long periods of time, and I
didn't want him to go through that. 

 The flu was an absolutely miserable experience. The first three days I
did not leave bed except to use the toilet. Ma cut her vacation short to
fly home and look after me. I feel guilty about that, but also very glad. 

 I'm still sick today, but at least I'm ambulatory. I am going to attempt
to go to work tomorrow, to help poor Stanley who I know must be
overwhelmed. Ray does not want me to go. I can't say that I'm looking
forward to returning. I know that Ray called Chief Silva to complain about
Briggs not releasing me when I was sick. I can't imagine that will go over
well with Briggs. I expect to face some consequences, unfortunately. We
shall see what, soon enough. 

  
  

End B: Journal by Dee Gilles 

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