this story is dedicated to Matthew Shepard, who died for the "crime"
of being gay.
Vigil: Casting Out Demons
The sharp trill of the phone interrupted him in the middle of instructing
his newest, and possibly most ineffective member of staff yet. He reached
for the phone, suppressing a sigh of relief. "Sgt Fraser."
"Benny?"
Only one word, and he knew there was something wrong. "Just a moment,
Ray." Ben looked up at his subordinate. "We'll get back to
this later, Constable Williams." He waited until the door closed
behind her back. "What is it, Ray?"
"Do you know where Fraser and Gil are?" The strain in Ray's
voice was obvious.
His fingers tightened on the phone, but Ben managed to keep his voice
calm. "They were planning on studying in the library all afternoon.
Why?"
A sigh gusted down the phone line. "It's OK. I'm just overreacting
again. I wanted to know where they are…"
"Ray, what's happened?"
There was a sudden outburst of voices from the other end of the phone.
"I'm sorry, Benny, I gotta go. I'll be late tonight…"
There was a long pause. "You'd better watch the news… all
of you."
The tone of Ray's voice worried him, but it was clear that this wasn't
the time to ask questions. "We will, love. Take care."
"Yeah… you too, Benny." A faint click and he was gone.
*
The apartment was very quiet, though the lights were still on. It wasn't
that late… only just after ten p.m., but Ray hadn't been sure what
to expect. He paused to hang his coat in the closet. It had been cold
again tonight, Fall was fast approaching. Ray swallowed his sudden nausea.
He stepped back to close the door and bumped into a warm, solid body.
Ray turned into a tight embrace and a long kiss. When they parted Ray
examined his lover's face carefully. Tired and worn… Benny looked
much older than he had this morning. Ray supposed he did too.
"Where are the boys?" They'd been on his mind all day, and
it hadn't helped him one little bit.
Ben smiled sadly and nodded towards the lounge. "In the kitchen,
getting your dinner out of the oven."
"What is it Benny?" There was something he was holding back.
They'd been together too long to be able to hide things from each other
very easily.
Ben's fingers stroked his cheek and Ray turned his head slightly to kiss
the broad palm. His lips grazed the wedding ring, still shiny and new.
"Gil knew him… he's taken it very hard. So has Fraser."
"Oh." He hadn't thought of that. It added a whole new level
to his anxiety. He didn't want to face them, or the questions they were
bound to ask.
Ben kissed him again. "Come on. You look exhausted. Have you
eaten at all today?"
Eating was the last thing on his mind, but Ray allowed himself to be
led into the lounge and pushed down onto the couch. Ben perched beside
him and laid an arm across his shoulders. A moment later the two boys
came out of the kitchen with his dinner.
They were both pale and had obviously been crying, but they were more
or less under control at the moment. Ray allowed Fraser to place the
tray across his lap, but waved away Gil's offer of a beer. He didn't
want to drink right now. He picked at the risotto with his fork and
lifted a few grains of rice to his mouth. After a couple more nibbles
at the food his body's responses kicked in and Ray realised he was ravenous.
His family was silent while he ate, and he slowed down, once the plate
was close to empty, putting off the moment when he would have to tell
them all that the news program would have left out. Finally it was empty
and Ben took it from him and placed it on the floor beside the couch.
The two boys had been sitting on the floor watching him, but now Fraser
moved up to the couch, pulling Gil with him. They sat very close together,
Fraser with his arms around his lover, his chin resting on Gil's shoulder.
Two pairs of eyes, one blue, one brown, watched him expectantly.
Ray sighed. "I'm sorry, Gil. I didn't know you knew him."
The brown eyes brightened with tears and Fraser's arms tightened. "I
didn't know him very well, but he was such a nice guy. Always helping
people. We talked a couple of times about my family, and… well,
you know."
He knew. Since Gil's family had thrown him out and he'd had come to
live with them, Ray had had a few talks with Gil himself. It had helped
the boy to know that Ray had been through the same kind of experience
himself. He reached out and brushed a stray tear from Gil's cheek and
he sobbed and leaned into Ray's arms. Fraser came with him and Ray had
his arms full of two unhappy kids. Another body pressed against him
from behind as Ben's arms encircled as much of them as he could reach.
Ray stroked the bright blond hair gently. In the last few months Gil
had become a part of the family, and it hurt him to see either of his
sons so upset. It didn't help that he was hardly less emotionally involved
than they were. A soft brush of lips against his neck was more comforting
than he would have believed possible.
Gil finally drew back a little, leaning against Ray's shoulder. "Why
would anybody do that to him?"
It was the plaintive question of a child, protesting against the unjustness
of the world. Gil knew very well what the answer was. They all did.
"Who were they, Pop? It didn't say on the news." Fraser's
voice was quiet, self-contained, like his father, but he'd been crying
again too.
"Just a couple of kids. Not much older..." Ray shook his
head, remembering their initial bravado giving way to fear when they
realised just how much trouble they were in. "They really thought
nobody would care about a fag being beaten up."
Ben's arms tightened around him again and another kiss was pressed against
his neck. They were silent for a while. Nobody wanted to ask the obvious
question, and Ray didn't want to volunteer the news.
Finally Gil began to tremble in his arms. "Is he going to be all
right?"
The tightness in Ray's chest increased and he had to force the words
out. "No. The doctors don't give him much of a chance, and if
he does pull through, he'll be brain damaged."
Another sob from Gil was echoed by Fraser. Ray pulled them both closer
and felt Ben do the same. They clung to each other in a comforting,
uncomfortable, tangle of arms and legs, each struggling with their own
demons.
*
Ray's image flashed on the screen and Ben flicked the mute button on
the remote. They listened to his voice announcing that the charges had
now been upgraded to first degree murder, and that, in accordance with
the Hate Crimes Act of 1998, the Federal Bureau of Investigation would
be taking control of the case. Cameras flashed in the dim room and questions
were called out, the reporters vying for Ray's attention.
It was difficult to make out individual questions, but then Ray tensed
visibly and singled out a reporter. "Can you repeat your question,
please?
Silence fell suddenly. The reporter looked more than a little startled
to be the centre of attention so unexpectedly. "Lt. Vecchio, do
you feel that you have investigated this case impartially?"
Beside him on the couch, Fraser stiffened and swore. It was obvious
enough what the reporter meant. Only six months before, Ray had been
publicly outed, and this was his first press conference since then.
Ray appeared to give the question some thought, but Ben knew that he
was probably trying to control his anger. When he answered, though,
his voice was only mildly sarcastic. "I've been in the police force
for over thirty years now, and nobody's ever suggested I shouldn't investigate
crimes against Italian-Americans. I don't see why this is any different."
Even some of the reporters laughed at that. Fraser grinned. "You
tell 'em, Pop." He nudged Gil and then fell into another silence
at the sight of his lover's strained face.
The scene on the television changed. A less than perfect video image
of a standard college room. A lot like the room Fraser had inhabited,
briefly, before he'd brought Gil home with him. There were several young
men gathered there, and the camera zoomed in on one of them. A slight,
delicate looking young man. Ben knew he was several years older than
Fraser and Gil, but he didn't look it.
A stifled sob from Gil diverted Ben's attention from the television.
He wrapped his arm around Gil and Fraser did the same. On Ben's other
side, Ray shifted closer too. When he looked back, the scene had changed
to a large gathering of people, many of them wearing black armbands.
The voice-over reported a large gathering of students outside the college
offices. The same college that Fraser and Gil attended.
Now there was a large, sombre-suited man declaring that the college board
had ratified a non-discrimination policy which included sexual orientation.
Fraser snorted. "Yeah. We've only been campaigning for that for
the last five years."
In spite of the situation, Ben had to suppress a smile. In the last
three days, Fraser and Gil had been spending a lot of time at the Gay
and Lesbian Student's Association offices on campus. Suddenly, it seemed,
they were both activists. Well, if they continued to take an interest,
it would be one good thing, at least, to come out of this tragic situation.
Ben turned his head to look at Ray. He looked years older, and exhausted.
Ben knew there was trouble brewing; that his uncharacteristic silence
meant that Ray was brooding about something, and it wasn't hard to work
out what it was. Ever since Fraser and Gil had announced they were in
love, he'd started having nightmares again. He'd had them for years
after he'd been beaten, almost to the point of death, by a group of young
gay bashers. Eventually they'd stopped, but now they were back again
He'd had a few nightmares of his own in the last three days, though he'd
kept them from Ray. Half suppressed memories of that terrible night
when he'd waited beside Ray's hospital bed, expecting his lover to die.
Ray hadn't died, but the three nightmarish days that followed… Ben
remembered wondering whether Ray would awake brain-damaged, or without
any memory of their relationship… It wasn't something he wanted
to relive, even in his dreams.
The anchor was announcing a change in mortgage interest rates with precisely
the same gravity as he had the preceding news item. Ben flicked the
power switch on the remote, and the room was silent.
*
It was becoming familiar now… the shock of waking, the pounding
of his heart and the sweat prickling all over his body. Ray uncurled
himself from the foetal position and rolled onto his back with a sigh.
The hand that had been stroking his arm was withdrawn and Ben's voice
fell silent. He lay, shivering, beside his lover.
"Ray?" Ben's voice was gentle.
"I'm OK, now." He rolled over again and settled with his head
on Ben's shoulder. The shivering gradually eased and he yawned. "I'm
glad I'm off this case."
"Ray, you would have handled it perfectly well, I'm sure."
He smiled in the darkness. Benny always thought he was better that he
really was. "It's not that. What they did… it was sickening,
but I can't even hate them for it. They're just two kids who thought
they were doing something that everyone would approve of." He sighed
and stretched "They said they never intended to kill him, though
how they could have expected anyone to survive that beating…"
Ben's arms tightened around him. "We have to keep it in perspective,
Ray. Hate crimes against gays have been dropping, since the Federal
law was passed."
"Yeah." He didn't find that particularly comforting. "Those
kids are only the tip of the iceberg, Benny. We don't even know how
many gays are beaten up every year because a lot of them won't report
it, and even if they did…"
He was silent for a long time, thinking of all the messages that had
come to the Precinct over the last few days. A lot of them had outright
endorsed the kids' actions, and even that wasn't what bothered him most.
"You know what really scares me Benny? That ordinary people…
good people, still believe that it's OK to discriminate against gays.
That they think we're asking for special treatment when we want to marry,
or even be safe on the streets and in bars.. As long as good, ordinary
people… people like my family… think that, nothing's really
gonna change"
Ben shifted restlessly. "Ray, I'm sure none of your family think
such things."
"Not now, maybe. But they used to, before we got together."
A hand began to stroke his head. "They changed, Ray. Other people
can too."
"Yeah, but how many more kids have to die before that happens, Benny?"
There was no answer, but then he hadn't really expected one.
the end