Once upon a time there was a king named Bob. He and his wife didn't really plan on having kids, but they got stuck in an igloo together to keep warm, and well, things happened. Since they hadn't really planned on him, when they did have a son, they named the poor kid Benton in a fit of panic.

The young prince was a handsome child, not that it made up for the name, and he emulated his father in all things. When he was of age, he joined the order of the Red Guard, and got his very own red serge jacket, just like his father, and at the same time ditched Benton for the nickname Serge Red. It wasn't very original, but it was a hell of a lot better than Benton.

Now, the Red Guard was charged with protecting the kingdom, and prince or no, Serge Red did his part in patrolling the borders and protecting the inhabitants of the large, cold kingdom. He didn't regard himself as above his fellow subjects in anyway, which was a good thing, because it wasn't long before he got himself exiled... we're getting there, I promise.

One day (before the exile incident involving a caribou, a pregnant yak and... I'll get there, I promise), Serge Red was sent out with a search party, to hunt down a witch. He had nothing against witches, personally, but this particular witch had been late with her dues to the Witch's Union once too often, and she had a nasty habit of not refilling the newt's toes jar when she was done with her spells. So off he went into the wilderness to find her and bring her back for chastisement.

He was able to track her down, using his nifty princely tracking radar (skillfully disguised in his Stetson), but by the time he reached her, a fierce storm was racing down on top of them. He set up his lovely red jacket as a tent and sheltered the two of them from the storm, and it would have been lovely and romantic but for the fact that she had newt breath and he had a headache.

They survived, of course, but the Witch became rather miffed at Serge Red's rejection of her, and after paying back the Witch's Union with eternally refilling newt's toes jars, she vowed her revenge (and to cut down on the newt's toes).

Not too long after tracking down the Witch, Serge Red had managed to get himself banished over some silly incident involving an abandoned gold mine, a boomerang and some large explosions. What happened to the yak and the caribou, you ask? They're living happily in downtown Tuktoyuktuk with their little baby yak. Why do you ask?

Serge Red was not so fortunate. He was forced to leave his home and travel far away, so he walked and walked and walked and gave up rides in hay carts to let the old lady next to him ride instead, and walked some more until he reached a small house in the woods where there lived Seven (or so - they didn't keep very good records) Cops.

The cottage was open and empty, and excessively dirty, so Serge Red went inside and started to clean the place up. He cleaned and cleaned and scrubbed and ironed and chased dust bunnies and made the beds and finally, when everything was done, decided that he was very tired, and he should lie down. He tried each of the beds, but they were too lumpy or too soft or too hard, until he reached the last one, and lay down and fell fast asleep.

It was very late when the Seven Cops came home, and imagine the shock when they came home and found their house all spiffy clean! At first they thought they'd been visited by the House Cleaning Fairy, but she'd retired three years previously after the incident with the wolverine with a goiter, and so they had to discard that hypothesis.

They searched the house and found nothing until they came to the bedroom, where they found the seven little beds all in a row. The first cop's bed was all rumpled, but Welsh didn't think anything of it. The next two beds weren't disturbed, but there were new frilly pillows on the beds, which Francesca and Elaine particularly liked.

Huey and Louis and Dewey all ignored the little ducks on their pillows and gathered around the seventh and last bed. The owner of the last bed, the Cop named Ray, yelled, "There's a Mountie in my Bed!" and woke up Serge Red.

Serge Red immediately woke and jumped out of bed, apologizing profusely. The Seven Cops all gathered around, and Francesca groused about Serge Red ending up in the wrong bed, and after much discussion on the propriety of cleaning up strange cottages, the Seven Cops agreed to let Serge Red stay. In his own bed.

The next morning the Seven Cops went off to work, and though Serge Red asked to accompany them, they all muttered something about green cards and he was forced to stay home, all alone.

The house was clean, so Sergey (as the Cop named Ray called him) decided to explore the nearby forest. He found a wolf and struck up a conversation with him, and in doing so, managed to miss the Witch.

The Witch had finally gotten out of her obligation to the Witch's Union, she tracked down Serge Red to the little house in the woods where the Seven Cops lived. She scouted out the house and disguised herself as an old peddler woman, then settled down on the porch step to wait for Serge Red to return.

The Seven Cops came back first, and the Cop named Ray chased off the old peddler woman on their doorstep by threatening her with loitering. (Not that anyone ever gets convicted of loitering, because it's a bogus charge, but for a Witch to even get charged with loitering is against Union rules. And the Witch certainly didn't want to get kicked out of the Union, not after going to all that trouble to procure the everfilling-newt-toe-jars.) So she left.

Not long after, Serge Red returned with his new friend, the wolf. The wolf had a name, too, but didn't really like it. It wasn't as bad as Benton, but he wasn't particularly fond of his namesake, some old, jowly politician, and so he answered mainly to 'Wolf'. (When he answered at all. He wasn't deaf, just obstinate.)

And so all the Cops and Serge Red and his new friend Wolf went into the house and had a lovely meal of boiled lichen and whale blubber, and the Cop named Ray swore that they'd never let Sergey cook again. He promised Sergey some lovely yellow pemmican for the next night, and even offered to cook.

And so it went. Serge Red would go out in the forest with Wolf, and the Seven Cops would go to work, and the Witch would wait at the house until the Cops came home, and then hightail it before they could charge her with loitering.

Until one fatal day... (Well, it wasn't really fatal. Nobody died, and this is a fairy tale, so I'm bound by Fairy Tale Rule #15 - nobody good dies unless they're old and they have children to pass on their goodies to.)

Until one not-quite-but-nearly-fatal day when Serge Red came home early. The Witch (remember, she's still disguised as a peddler woman. Not that she has any paddles - this isn't that sort of story!) jumped up off the stoop and apologized to Serge Red for resting on his front porch, but she was sooo tired....

Serge Red, being the excruciatingly polite sort of fellow he was, invited her in, and asked her what she was peddling? (Besides the bicycle out front.) The Witch took out a large trout and laid it on the table. (What, did you think it was going to be an apple? Do you know how rare those are up in the kingdom of Bob?) The trout was fairly large, and quite rank, as the Witch had been waiting many days to get Serge Red alone, but Serge Red lived up to his excruciatingly polite image and bought the fish from her.

Just then, the Seven Cops came home. (What? You didn't think I'd make poor Benton eat that gross fish, do you? That's just cruel! (Now if it had been a Gross fish... but I digress.)

Enraged by the interference of the Cops, especially the Cop named Ray, the Witch pointed her wand at Wolf and zapped him, and then ran for the woods. Serge Red ran after her (To apprehend her, of course! He'd never go for a gal with newt breath!), and the Seven Cops pulled out their wands and tried to zap the Witch.

Unfortunately, Serge Red got in the way of the Cop named Ray's wand, and CnR zapped Sergey instead.

Equally unfortunately, CnR zapped him at the same time as the Witch cursed him, and the catastrophic collision of the wand and the curse caused poor Serge Red to fall into a deep sleep.

The Witch escaped, and went on to found the Alliance for Recovering Newt-Toe-Eaters.

The Seven Cops, presented with a somnolescent Red Guard, propped him up in a glass case and put him on display. And so Serge Red remained in the display case at the house of the Seven Cops.

Wolf, on the other hand, had a different idea. He'd somehow gotten the notion that he'd be a good candidate for the Sidekicks Alliance, and to make their entrance requirements, he set out in search of a way to bring Serge Red back to consciousness. He traveled far and wide and found nothing, and then came right back to where he started, and lo and behold, there was a new Cop named Ray just arrived at the Seven Cops' house.

They hadn't renamed the place to the Eight Cop's house, yet, as the New Ray was only newly arrived, and already deeply in love with the display. So one night, Wolf was able to convince the New Ray to open the display case, dust off Serge Red a wee bit, and kiss him.

And of course, it worked. After a few hours, when they finally emerged from the case, Wolf caught them up on current affairs. Serge Red's exile was over, and he could return to his homeland, and take up his rightful place as heir. (The boomerang-pregnant yak fiasco had blown over.)

Serge Red went down on his knees, and after he was done there, asked the New Ray to accompany him to the frozen north and live happily ever after.

And Ray bitched about the cold a little, but other than that they were fine.

The End

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