"I just wish you'd tell me what the hell is wrong with you!" Ray paused in his pacing to glare at Ben. His best friend. The most annoying man he'd ever met.
Ben was sitting at the small table in his apartment, his fingers thrust into uncharacteristically dishevelled hair. He didn't bother looking up. He'd been avoiding Ray for the last few days, had even walked home in the mid-summer heat to get away from him, and Ray wanted to know why. Trouble was, he was getting precisely nowhere...
He sat in the chair opposite Ben and grabbed his wrists, forcing his hands down. The Canadian looked paler than usual, with dark smudges under his eyes. "Are you sick, Benny? You don't look too good."
"I haven't been sleeping very well, that's all." And as Ray took a deep breath to start again... "Please, Ray, just leave it will you?"
It wasn't like Ben to be so curt, and that only increased Ray's concern, but he couldn't see any way of getting his friend to open up, except, maybe... He used his most reasonable, slightly pleading voice. "Benny, I'm just worried about you... can't you tell me what's wrong?"
Ben looked at him, not fooled for a moment, but moved by the lengths Ray was willing to go to in order to help him. "If I knew what was wrong, I'd tell you, Ray. I'm just out of sorts... it's probably the heat. Don't worry about it."
Ray could see that Ben wanted to be alone. He stood and went to the door reluctantly. "I'll be here in the morning to give you a ride, OK? Don't you go walking to work in this heat."
Ben nodded wearily.
*
He felt like he was losing control. Ray had gone at last, but the privacy he'd achieved by annoying his best friend was not helping him at all. Dief was staring at him reproachfully and he found he was unable to meet those all-seeing eyes. It was the heat... that and lack of sleep had made him edgy and unsociable, that was all. He went over to the closet and began removing his uniform, something he hadn't had the energy to do when he first got home. Stripped to his underwear he felt only marginally cooler, so he went to the tiny closet cum bathroom and doused his aching head under the cold water tap.
He'd make sure he had an early night. He'd be better in the morning...
*
He wasn't there... the damnfool Mountie wasn't there! Ray fumed and headed back down the stairs to the street and the Riv.
He was annoyed enough that he didn't go to the Consulate to demand an explanation, or to check that Ben had got there OK. But by mid morning, he was worrying again. He called the Consulate and got Turnbull. The heat must be affecting him too... it was impossible to get any sense out of him at all. Ray finally gave up in disgust and made a mental note to leave early for the Consulate. Very early.
*
He wasn't better, he was worse. If he'd been actually sick he would have known what to do. But this nebulous feeling that something was terribly wrong was wearing him down, making him restless and short tempered. So far he'd managed to hide the worst of it, but he had a frightening sense of being close to breaking point.
He knew that if Ray saw him there would be more questions and more hurt silences when he couldn't answer. It was much easier to walk to work, though even that early it was already almost unbearably hot. Dief trailed unhappily behind him, then disappeared at a run up the stairs into the air conditioned coolness of the Consulate.
If only the cooler air would have the same healing effect on him. He shuffled the paperwork, growing increasingly tense. Every phone call he took seemed to be from people even more irritable than himself, complaining about matters that seemed completely trivial to him. When Turnbull knocked against his desk and spilled his coffee, he nearly chewed the unfortunate young man's head off.
It shocked him into action. Ten minutes later he was standing in front of Meg Thatcher with a completed leave form in his hand. It was unnervingly easy to get her approval, was he looking that bad? He didn't want to think
about it too much. He collected an unwilling Dief and left.
He didn't need long to pack, just a few essential items. He had already arranged the necessary approvals for Dief to travel with him, and a plane ticket to Canada. He took a moment to write a note for Ray, asking him not to follow and he was out of the apartment and on his way to the airport.
*
He left at three thirty, and broke his own record for getting to the Consulate. Turnbull was on guard duty and Ray was seriously tempted to get some revenge for the call that morning. Concern over Ben won out, he took the stairs two at a time and burst into Ben's office without knocking. Empty. He went back to the main desk, where Ovitz was sitting.
"Where is he?"
"Constable Fraser has requested a leave of absence. He left this morning about ten."
Ray swore and ran for the stairs. He threw himself into the Riv and burned rubber as he took off from the curb. This was starting to really worry him, Ben just wasn't acting normally.
He wasn't in the apartment, and neither was Dief, but there was a note on the table. Ray unfolded it, his hands trembling, but there wasn't much in it, just the information that Ben was going away for a few days and a request that Ray not try to find him.
As if that would stop him.
*
When Ben reached the cabin, he realised he'd made a mistake. Whatever it was he needed, he wouldn't find it here. He sighed and looked down at Dief who barked encouragingly.
He sighed again. I suppose you're right. It would seem like the most sensible thing to do." If only he weren't so tired...
He shouldered his pack and they walked. Luckily it was early in the day, and darkness came late at this time of year. Even better, Eric found him on the winding narrow road and stopped to give him a ride. An hour later they were in the village.
*
Four days later, he was in Canada. He would have been there sooner, but Welsh had refused to let him go until he'd finished two of the cases he'd been on and all the associated paperwork. Elaine could have helped him finish sooner, but once she'd gathered that Ben didn't want him to follow, she'd refused to do anything, even the work she would normally have done for him.
It took another day for him to reach the cabin, still only partially restored. Ben wasn't there. There was no sign that he ever had been. He didn't know what to do next, he'd been so sure that Ben would come here. It was late enough that there was no point in trying to get back to the local airport, so he heaved his luggage inside the cabin and set about making it as comfortable as possible for the night. That wasn't going to be easy.
Next morning, though, he had some luck... the door flew open and Ray, struggling to wake in his down-filled sleeping bag, found himself looking up a very long rifle barrel at what he thought was a complete stranger, until the rifle was lowered.
"Eric! What are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the same thing, cop."
"I'm looking for Benny. Have you seen him?" He was more than willing to overlook a little rudeness, if Eric could take him to Ben.
"He doesn't want to see you. That's why he came up here. One reason, anyway."
That hurt. Ray sat up and dragged himself out of the sleeping bag. "I'm not leaving till I've seen him. He can tell me to go himself. Where is he?"
Eric looked at him consideringly. Then he shrugged. "I'll take you to where he is, but you won't be able to see him."
"Oh yeah? We'll see about that."
*
The village was unimpressive by any standards... a collection of ramshackle huts with snowsleds parked outside, useless until the first good snowfall of the season. But the people wandering around seemed cheerful enough, calling out to Eric and sneaking curious glances at his companion. He led Ray to one hut and knocked on the door. Instead of the errant Mountie, an elderly man came to answer the summons.
Eric jerked his head at Ray. "He's a friend of the Mountie."
The old man's eyes studied Ray and then he smiled. "Ah. I've been expecting you. Come in."
He was obviously an elder of the tribe, and Ray had learned enough from Ben to know he couldn't afford to annoy the man if he wanted any help. So he allowed the old man to inquire after his health and discuss the weather, the fishing and the hunting... he'd talk about Ben when he was ready, and Ray knew there was no point in trying to hurry things.
"So, you've come looking for Benton." The elder suddenly introduced the subject Ray wanted to discuss.
"Yeah. He took off in kind of a hurry. I wanted to make sure he was OK."
"You've come a long way. He must be a good friend."
"I guess... Where is he?"
The old man ignored his question. "He came here very troubled in his spirit. Chicago is a very large city, is it not?"
"Pretty big." Ray decided he didn't like the way this was going. "He's been there two years, he seemed happy enough."
"It takes time for the spirit to lose its way. And more time for the body to recognise it."
"Are you saying he's sick?"
The old man smiled at the sharp concern in Ray's voice. "No. But he could become sick, if he ignored his need. That's why he came here."
Ray wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean, but he didn't like the sound of it. "Let's cut the crap. Where is he? I want to see him."
"You can't do that, Ray." Ray glanced up, he hadn't introduced himself and neither had Eric. He didn't know the old man's name either, hadn't paricularly wanted to. He remembered suddenly Ben telling him about shamans and how they knew things without being told. But probably, he'd just got his name from Ben. He preferred that idea to the alternative.
"Why not? And don't give me any of that troubled spirit bullshit. I don't believe in that stuff."
"But Benton does, and that's why he came to me. He's following a quest, and you can't see him until it's finished."
"Where the hell's he gone? Doesn't matter. I'll find him." He stood and was heading for the door, but the old man followed.
"He hasn't gone anywhere, Ray. He's very close to the village, but he mustn't see anyone until his quest is over."
Ray turned, not so worried now he knew Ben wasn't in the middle of nowhere, alone and maybe sick. "I want to see him."
The old man considered. "You may see him, but you may not speak with him, or let him see you. Is it agreed?"
"OK. For now. Where is he?"
*
It was about twenty minutes walking time from the village. They came up a shallow rise and settled down in a small patch of straggly shrubs. Below was a small lake and a tiny valley containing a pair of rickety looking structures that Ray wouldn't even call huts. One of them looked like it was on fire...
"A sweatlodge? He came all this way for a sauna?"
The old man grinned. "It's more than that, Ray. The sweatlodge is a spiritual tool. Benton is spending the days fasting and meditating and asking the spirits to guide him on his quest. That's why he must stay secluded, so he won't be distracted. But tomorrow is his last day, four days is enough for someone who is out of practice."
They sat in silence for nearly five minutes... Ray kept glancing at his watch, to the old man's amusement. Then the door covering was lifted and Ben came out. Ray caught his breath, and his companion put a warning hand on his arm. But he needn't have worried, Ray had no intention of calling out.
He should have realised that, out here on his own, Ben wouldn't have bothered to wear a towel. Or anything else.
He watched as Ben straightened and then just stood, taking deep breaths of the cool air. His pale skin was flushed from the heat of the sweatlodge and gleaming with sweat. They were close enough that Ray could see the short tendrils of hair clinging to Ben's forehead. And other things he really wasn't ready to see.
Suddenly Ben flung his head back, took a deep breath and started to run. When he reached the lake, he dived in, a pale elegant curve in the air. It seemed a long time before he surfaced, bursting out of the water with a loud yell. He swam to the shore and walked away from the lake a little way before stopping to shake himself and then dropped to the grass, rolling around like a dog trying to dry itself.
Dief came running out of nowhere to prance around his friend, making mock attacks at him. A long pale arm reached out to grab at him and he danced out of the way, barking excitedly. Ben pushed himself up off the ground and they started a boisterous game of tag until Ben dropped again onto the grass laughing breathlessly.
A hand on his arm drew Ray's attention away from the pair below. He followed the old man away, and they walked back to the village in silence.
*
He'd been tempted to leave immediately, but it was too late in the day. The old man invited him to stay in his spare room, and he accepted ungraciously. He couldn't sleep that night, replaying over and over the images of Ben playing with the wolf, the rich sound of laughter echoing in his head.
He'd never heard Ben laugh like that before, so free and uninhibited.
He realised suddenly that when they'd first met, Ben was still grieving, however discreetly, for his father. And then adjusting to a totally foreign environment. Even the trip they'd made to Canada had turned into a nightmare. He'd never seen Ben, sane and healthy, in his own natural surroundings. He'd thought that Ben was just naturally quiet and serious,
but now he was beginning to think of him like one of the caged zoo animals he'd pitied as a child.
He wondered if he really knew Ben at all. He wondered if Ben would ever come back to Chicago now. Most of all, he wondered how he was going to live without the best friend he'd ever had.
*
In the morning Ray went in search of Eric. He wanted to get out of there as soon as he could. But it turned out that everyone was busy preparing for a party this evening, to celebrate Ben's completion of his spiritual quest. Nobody had time to take him even as far as the nearest town.
The old man was waiting for him, back at the house. "Eric tells me you want to leave."
"Yeah. Can you arrange it?"
He shook his head. "Everyone is busy today. Why do you want to go?"
That was something Ray didn't really want to discuss, but he supposed he owed him something, even if the old guy had ruined his life. "You were right. Benny doesn't belong in Chicago, and I thought it would be easier for him if I wasn't around when he figured it out."
"Ah."
"What is that? Some kind of Canadian thing? Benny's always doing it too." The thought of Ben not being around to do it anymore was so painful that he felt his throat closing up with grief. He turned away.
"Benton is lucky to have such a good friend. I'll make sure that somebody can take you into town tomorrow. Meanwhile, you are welcome in my house."
"Thanks. I think I'll go for a walk."
*
Ben poured a little more water on the heated stones and inhaled the slightly scented steam that rose from them. He thought the herbs the old shaman had given him contained a very mild hallucinogen, but he'd decided not to ask. For the last three days he'd fasted and meditated and used the sweatlodge to invoke visions which, theoretically, would help him solve his problem. But he'd had nothing but vague fragments of dreams which left him with a perception of searching for an elusive something, or someone, through dimly lit passageways, always just out of sight of his goal.
His spirit guide, somewhat predictably perhaps, had turned out to be a wolf, and had been about as informative as Dief. He'd spent a lot of time following the bounding figure along the passageways and getting precisely nowhere. And today was the last day of his quest. Although he was feeling a lot better than he had in Chicago, he was still no nearer a solution.
He was in the maze again, following the slightly waving tail of the dark grey wolf, getting nowhere. He stopped suddenly, in two minds whether to turn back or go on. If he turned back, it would be the end of the vision, and he might not get another chance. He waited, and the wolf returned, looking at him in the same way that Dief did, signalling for him to follow. He sighed and went on, not yet ready to give up.
He turned a corner and the passageway opened up into a large cavern. He thought he could see a figure in the distance and walked towards it. In the way of dreams, he seemed to walk forever without getting any closer, but then suddenly the figure was directly in front of him. A man, facing away from him. He didn't need to see the face though, he knew who it was. He smiled, understanding now, as the figure began to turn.
*
Ray spent most of the day wandering around out of sight of the village. He didn't want to see anyone or to have to talk, but in the early afternoon he went over to the lake and sat where he could watch the valley and not be seen. There was no sign of Ben and eventually he left.
It was getting late when he finally went back to the village and he went straight to the old man's house. There was no way he wanted to be involved in the party. He stretched out on his bed and tried to catch up on some of the sleep he'd missed last night.
The noise of the party woke him later and he lay there for a while, groggy from being woken after too short a sleep. His mouth tasted foul, so he got up and had a drink of water, then wandered around the house in the semi-dark, too restless to sleep again. The knock at the door took him by surprise.
His heart was pounding when he opened the door, but it was only Eric. "The old man wants you."
"I'll see him later, OK?"
"No. It's not OK. Come on."
He swore under his breath, but he followed Eric down the path towards the party.
It was in full swing when he arrived and he managed to skirt around the edge of the firelight to where the old man was sitting. The huge fire was giving out a lot of heat as well as light and he was glad to stay as far away from it as possible.
The old man grinned at him. "It's a good party, Ray. Get some food. Over there."
He went over to where the food tables were and grabbed a couple of chunks
of meat, without caring what it was. He had no desire to eat anyway. Then he found himself a place to sit outside the circle of firelight.
The younger men were dancing, some kind of traditional dance and he watched, interested in spite of his gloomy mood. Then he saw Ben among the dancers and his heart lurched painfully. He looked... transformed, moving among the other dancers with a smooth grace equal to anybody there. Ray watched, unable to tear his eyes away until the dance ended with shouts of laughter and backslapping and the dancers began to separate.
He got up to leave then, backing further into the darkness.
*
The dance over, Ben was starting to feel tired... The end of his quest had filled him with new energy, but this was now dissipating and soon he would need to rest. He was making his way through the dancers to take his leave of the old man when he caught a glimpse of a familiar figure in the dimness beyond the firelight. For a moment he thought it was a flashback to the vision but then he realised that the figure was real, and moving away from him.
He increased his pace.
*
"Ray!"
Ben's voice, full of joy, stopped him in his tracks. He turned, but stayed where he was as Ben came towards him, smiling warmly. Still, he was taken by surprise when Ben threw his arms around him and hugged him tightly.
*
He hadn't intended to do that, but the moment that Ray had turned towards him, he had felt a weight he hadn't realised he was carrying fall away from him. It seemed the most natural thing in the world to put his arms around Ray and hold him. At least Ray didn't seem upset by it, and after an instant's hesitation, Ray returned the embrace.
For the first time in weeks, he felt that everything was all right.
*
They found a place where they could sit with their backs to a large boulder and watch the rest of the dancing. Ben had disavowed any interest in further dancing so they just relaxed, not saying much. Ray was content just to be there, his shoulder brushing against Ben's occasionally. But the last few days were finally catching up on him and he began to yawn uncontrollably.
Ben stood and extended a hand to help him up. "Had enough of the party, Ray? I thought I might turn in too."
He took the hand and the assistance, and they began to wander away from the fire. The old man smiled and waved to them and Ben broke away to go over and talk to him for a moment. He came back smiling and slightly flushed, but didn't explain the cause. He put his arm casually across Ray's shoulder and drew him down the path.
"What about Dief?" Ray had seen him hanging around the fire, looking for food probably, but there was no sign of him now.
"He'll be fine, he's probably found somebody to latch onto... he'll come when he's ready."
There were footsteps on the path behind them. "Hey! Wait up." It was Eric. He grinned at them. "So, you finally met up, eh?"
"As you can see." Ben was being polite, as usual. Ray wanted to tell him to get lost, he didn't want to waste a moment of whatever time the two of them would have together.
"You can both stay at my place if you like. I won't be needing it tonight." He grinned again, conspiratorially, and Ben flushed again.
"Thank you kindly, Eric."
"That's OK." He shrugged and turned back to the party. They continued along the path in silence, taking their time, until Ben indicated one of the huts.
The door was unlocked. It was tiny inside and Ray looked around puzzled. "Where's the other bedroom, Benny?"
"Well, actually Ray, there's only one. And one bed. I can sleep on the floor if you prefer, or I could take you back to the shaman's house."
He was too stunned to speak, or breathe. Ben came over and looked at him, searching his face. God only knew what it was telling him, because a moment later Ben put his arms around Ray and kissed him gently on the lips. He froze, shocked, frightened, aroused, and terribly tempted to have just this one night with Ben to remember, back in Chicago.
"Ray?"
Just a hint of pleading in that beautiful voice... He leaned forward and returned the kiss, his lips parting. A warm tongue infiltrated his mouth, exploring its contours, caressing his own tongue and sliding out again, the invitation implicit. He slid his arms around Ben's waist and accepted the invitation.
He came back to the present at the feel of capable hands undoing his shirt buttons and sliding inside, over his chest. He pulled back suddenly, his emotions far too intense for comfort.
"Benny, I don't know if I can do this..." He could hear the uncertainty and the desire in his voice.
Ben smiled at him. "It's all right, Ray." He put his arms around Ray again, just holding him this time, as he had earlier. "Would you like me to take you back to the old man's place?"
Ray shook his head, wanting only to be held like this forever. But soon he was yawning again, unable to help himself. Ben released him, reluctantly it seemed.
"Go to bed. I'll sleep out here."
"You don't have to do that."
"Are you sure, Ray?"
He nodded, unable to speak, and followed Ben into the bedroom. Ben went to the other side of the bed. Ray turned away and removed his clothes taking longer than was necessary to fold them neatly over a chair. He turned back to the bed still in his underwear, but Ben was sitting on the far side, bare to the waist, removing his boots and socks. Then he stood and shucked both jeans and shorts together.
He didn't want Ben to see him naked, he felt far too conscious of every physical shortcoming, whether imagined or real. But he wasn't going to get in that bed still partly clothed if Ben was naked, it would be like saying he didn't trust him. He pulled his undershirt and briefs off rapidly and dived into the bed while Ben was still arranging his clothes on the small bedside table.
He felt Ben's weight settle beside him, not touching, and gathered the courage to open his eyes. Ben was smiling at him, gentle fingers ran down his cheek and a brief kiss was planted on his lips. The light touch moved to his shoulder and down the arm that lay between their bodies, then warm fingers closed around his and he returned the gentle clasp.
*
It was really late now, and Ray had been sleeping for some time, but Ben continued to lie awake watching him. It didn't get completely dark at this time of year and there were no clouds tonight to cover the blaze of starlight, so he was still able to see Ray clearly. He knew the moment Ray woke, even before he opened his eyes. They looked at each other in silence. He thought Ray looked terribly vulnerable and it caused a strange ache in his chest to see him like this.
He reached out and cupped Ray's cheek with his hand and then leaned over to kiss him. The mouth under his opened compliantly and he explored the delightful tastes and textures within. This time it was so much harder for him to draw back, knowing he wanted more than just a kiss. Ray stopped him with a hand reaching to the back of his neck, drawing him down again and he surrendered himself to the moment.
He began to stroke Ray's shoulder, feeling the fragile arch of bone so close beneath the skin, sliding his fingers down over the strong slender arm and back again. Ray's fingers were in his hair caressing, then gripping strongly to pull him closer. He realised his hand was now on Ray's chest, he could feel the pounding of his heart against the palm of his hand and, as he moved again, the brush of a hard point against his fingers. Ray's soft moan was further muffled against his mouth.
Ben drew back again. This time when their eyes met Ray swallowed nervously then smiled a little. All he could see was Ray's head and shoulders above the covers. He slowly drew them down to waist level. The starlight leeched the colour from everything, but he could still see the deeper tones of Ray's skin, the fine dark hairs in the centre of his chest, the dark buds of his nipples. He captured one with his lips, cautiously exploring with his tongue, sucking delicately at the hardened tip. Ray's gasp and shudder encouraged him to continue. His fingers continued their journey over the smooth skin, but all his concentration was centred on this unexpectedly sweet sensation. He alternated his attentions from one to the other, but couldn't tear himself away from this exquisite pleasure. The small sighs and moans coming from Ray only added to his enjoyment.
Eventually he had to admit to himself it was time to move on... he pulled the covers away from their bodies entirely. The cooler air had a most... stimulating... effect on both of them, he thought, as Ray's body arced up against the empty air above him. He was being careful not to go too fast, though. He was already lying on his side, now he drew his leg forward a little, hiding his arousal from view as he slid his hand down over Ray's flat belly.
Below the hips, Ray's skin was noticeably paler, a perfect foil for the darkness of his slim cock. Ben touched the shaft and then encircled it loosely with his fingers letting it slide between them easily, first upwards to the head and then down to the base. Reluctantly, he dragged his gaze away to look at Ray's face, and what he saw there nearly overwhelmed him.
He kissed the parted lips, felt Ray respond with an effort, and deepened the kiss, moving his hand lower, cupping the heavy scrotum. He could feel the balls hard and tight up against Ray's body, nearly ready to climax, but it was too soon for his liking. He slid his hand back up the shaft to just below the ridge of tissue circling the glans and squeezed sharply, a trick he'd learnt would delay his own orgasm, and it seemed to work for Ray as well. Ray relaxed a little against him and he turned his head to watch as, for the first time, he allowed himself to touch that sensitive mound of flesh.
It was slick with the seepage of juices and his fingers slid over it easily drawing a soft cry from Ray. He bent swiftly then and took the head into his mouth, sucking and nibbling cautiously. A desperate shove of Ray's hips plunged most of the slender cock into him and he tightened his lips and prepared to take as much of its length as he could. Ray was lost now in the intensity of his orgasm, he groaned loudly at each thrust. Ben slid his fingers over the hard curve of his balls and squeezed very gently as Ray came into his mouth.
The gush of thick fluid slid down his throat effortlessly, and he rested his head on Ray's belly, savouring all the sensations and feelings, listening to Ray's laboured breathing. After a moment he straightened and took Ray in his arms, waiting until he was ready before planting a lingering kiss on his lips. Ray's tongue plunged into his mouth, searching and withdrawing. Ray's eyes focused on him, blinking slightly, a wavering smile hovering around his mouth.
They kissed again while Ben struggled to hide his growing need. But Ray began to run his hands lightly over his body, down his side, over his hip and under the shadow of his thigh, coming back up between his legs. He felt the light brush of long slender fingers moving over his balls and along the shaft of his cock and a tremor started deep in his belly, spreading out to his extremities. It was a while before he realised the soft moaning sound he could hear was his own voice.
Ray's hand was holding him tightly now, starting a rhythmic pumping that drew a fierce reaction from him. The fact that he couldn't actually see what Ray was doing to him only heightened the eroticism for him. The tremors deepened, becoming uncontrollable shudders and he cried out, pressing his face against Ray's shoulder as the climax rushed upon him.
*
They didn't sleep much after that. Just brief naps, snatched between bouts of lovemaking so intense they were both left breathless. Usually it was easy for Ben to keep track of time, but it was a shock to realise that it was suddenly late afternoon, judging by the angle of sunlight, and to have no real memory of the morning. He looked at Ray's sleeping face and then, with a slightly guilty thrill, allowed his eyes to wander lower.
He'd always liked Ray's body, the long elegant frame that seemed to move so easily and made him feel too big and clumsy. Seeing him naked was a revelation though. The smooth olive skin and the exotic darkness of his nipples and cock roused feelings in him he didn't know how to name, and he glanced down at his own pale chest with those ridiculously pink nipples with some disfavour. Without clothes Ray was a strange mixture of wiry strength and fragile vulnerability, evoking a painful sense of protectiveness in him.
The desire to touch him was incredibly powerful, but he didn't want to wake him. Instead he looked, his eyes lingering here and there, but inevitably drawn down to the lush dark hair at Ray's groin. The soft swell of his cock nested among the wiry curls almost innocently, and his heart contracted at the beauty of it. He'd never approved of circumcision, was glad that his parents has spared him that, but there was no denying that the sight of that rounded tip, looking for all the world like a half unfurled rosebud moved him deeply. He longed to cherish that scrap of flesh in the warm protection of his mouth.
"Are you just going to look, or what?" Ray's voice was full of amusement and tenderness.
He smiled at his lover. "Or what, I think. If you don't mind, Ray."
*
It had got dark again, somehow. They were too tired to make love, too full of emotion to sleep, so they lay in the dimness of the bedroom tangled loosely together and started to talk. Ben had told him about the vision, about seeing him there at the centre of everthing, about how, in the vision, they had made love, leaving him no room to doubt his feelings any longer. Eventually Ray managed to ask the question that had haunted him.
"Why did you leave like that Benny? After the way you were acting, it scared the hell out of me."
Ben shifted uncomfortably. "I had to Ray, I was starting to lose control."
"You, Benny? I can't imagine that. What happened?"
"I really don't like to talk about it... there was a rather ugly incident."
"What happened, Benny?" Ray was starting to feel concerned.
"Well, it involved Turnbull..."
"Geez Benny, anyone could get annoyed with him. In fact you're probably the only person in the world who doesn't. What'd he do anyway?"
Ben blushed. "He knocked over my coffee."
Ray was getting interested, maybe there was something to this after all. "He's always doing that... you've never lost your temper before. What did you do? Bawl him out?"
"Yes, Ray. I'm not proud of it."
"You should be! Way to go, Benny!" Ray was feeling very impressed, he'd never expected something like this.
"Ray, I was unnecessarily harsh to a young man under my supervision for no other reason than that he was a little clumsy. There's nothing to be proud of about that."
"So what did you say?"
"I don't like to repeat it."
"You swore at him? Real swear words?"
"No. Of course not."
"Well what?" Ben looked away. "You might as well tell me Benny, otherwise I'll only think the worst."
"I said..." He took a deep breath, and then rushed the words out. "I said "Kindly be more careful in future, Turnbull." There. Are you happy now, Ray?"
"I..." He stopped and swallowed hard, turning his head away.
"You're shocked, aren't you? I told you it was nothing to be proud of." When Ray didn't respond, Ben reached over and touched his shoulder. It was shaking slightly. "Ray?"
Ray managed to pull himself together. "I'm... surprised, I guess... yeah, surprised. I never would have expected it of you." His lips began to tremble, he forced them into a stern line. "You really were out of control, Benny. Just as well you left when you did, otherwise you might have decked the Dragon Lady."
Ben frowned slightly. "I don't think..." He stared at Ray. "Are you laughing at me? It's not funny, Ray."
"No, it's serious stuff all right. I'm just glad you didn't go berserk with a dead otter, that would have been real dangerous..." He pressed his face into the pillow and howled with laughter.
When he finally recovered he was met with a stony silence. Ben was lying on his back, on the far edge of the bed, staring at the ceiling. "You're not mad at me, are you Benny?"
"No."
"You are! You are mad at me!"
"No. I'm not."
Ray grinned. "Then you're sulking."
"I never sulk."
"OK, then talk to me."
"What should I say? I've just told you about an incident I feel very ashamed of, and you laughed! Perhaps I should tell you about the time I jumped off a cliff and broke my leg. Would you find that amusing too?"
Ray scooted over, wrapped his arms around Ben and began to kiss his cheek and ear. "I'm sorry, Benny. I didn't mean to upset you... but, you know, I'm ruder than that to people almost every day. It's kinda hard to take what you said very seriously. Did Turnbull look upset?"
"He did look a little startled..."
"There, ya see?" He captured Ben's face in one hand and turned it to meet his lips. "He's probably forgotten about it already."
Ben smiled reluctantly. "Perhaps I did overreact a little, Ray."
"You? Never!" They grinned at each other. Then Ray brushed a soft lock of hair away from Ben's temple, his smile fading. "I'm glad you came up here, though. This wouldn't have happened in Chicago."
"I'm glad too, Ray." Ben took his hand and drew it to his lips, kissing the backs of his fingers. He sank down against Ben's shoulder, felt a gentle touch on the top of his head and Ben's arms tightening around him.
"I'm gonna miss you Benny. It's not gonna be the same without you..." Damn, he was blinking back tears. He was NOT going to cry in front of Ben.
"What are you talking about, Ray?"
"About you staying here..."
Ben shifted away from him and leaned up on one elbow to stare at his face. "I'm not staying here. I'm coming back to Chicago with you. If you want me."
"I thought... oh..." It was too much to take in at once. He pulled Ben down into his arms, pressed his face into the thick soft hair and thought about the two of them together, in Chicago again.
"Ray? Are you all right?"
"I'm fine, Benny."
Ben's head came up, Ben's eyes looked at his face carefully and then ducked down to his chest. Soft lips touched him, trailing over his skin. He knew what would happen next, and wasn't disappointed, sighing with pleasure at the gentle sucking of his nipple. Hands moved over him, rousing him to sweet delights, but nothing interrupted that relentless tugging...
He smiled, looking down at Ben's dark hair. "You really like that, don't you, Benny?"
There was a muffled assent and then Ben shifted his mouth to the other side. Ray gasped, starting to feel a little sensitive. "God, Benny... what is it with you? Weren't you breastfed as a baby, or something?"
He was only joking but Ben lifted his head, obviously giving the question serious consideration. "I don't know, Ray. I wasn't really old enough to ask my mother about things like that before she died."
Ray froze, his heart seeming to stop for a moment. Then it started again with a painful thud. It hurt to think of Ben losing his mother so young... his own childhood would have been unbearable if his mother hadn't been there to soften his father's alternating harshness and neglect. It seemed to hurt him far more than it did Ben, but then Ben didn't know anything else. He pulled Ben's head down to his chest again.
Ben hesitated. "Would you rather I didn't do this, Ray?"
"You just do whatever you like, Benny..."
*
Finally hunger forced them out of the bed. They raided the cupboards for canned food, and even Ray was too ravenous to refuse baked beans for breakfast. That done, they dressed and went back to the bedroom to strip the sheets from the bed.
"So where's the laundry, Benny?" Ray was looking around fruitlessly.
"Just down the road a little."
"Huh?"
"They have a communal laundry, Ray. It's more efficient."
It was also full. Half a dozen women turned to look at them when they entered, the sheets in their arms. Ray could feel himself flushing, but Ben took it all calmly. One of the women came over.
"Hi, Ben."
"Hello Maria, how are you and Tom? And the children?"
"Oh, we're all fine thanks. I'll do those for you, the old man wants to see you both."
Ben handed the bundle over and Maria smiled again. "Hi, Ray."
"Uh, hi... Thanks."
Outside again he turned to Ben. "They all know, don't they?"
"I suppose they do, Ray. We were shut in there for well over 24 hours, after all."
"And this doesn't bother you?"
Ben frowned slightly. "Should it?"
"You tell me. Does it bother you that a bunch of total strangers knows all about our sex lives?"
"They're my friends, Ray. Besides, they don't have the same hang ups about sex that most white people do."
"Are you saying I've got hang ups about sex, just because I don't want everyone knowing about us?"
Wisely, Ben kept silent, and it was with mixed feelings that Ray noticed Eric coming towards them.
"Hi, Ben... Ray."
Ray stared at him warily while Ben returned the greeting
Eric grinned broadly. "So you finally found out what this is for..." He patted the front of his jeans suggestively.
Ray's jaw dropped, he was too stunned to speak. Ben blushed slightly. "Well, actually, Eric, I already knew."
Eric just laughed and slapped Ben on the arm. "You know the old man wants to see you both?"
"We know, thank you, Eric."
"Well, I gotta go. See you later."
They managed to make it to the old man's house without meeting anybody else except Dief, much to Ray's relief. There they were greeted with quiet dignity and shown to the couch, offered cookies and tea, and went through the obligatory small talk. Eventually the old man changed the subject.
"So, Benton. You found what you were looking for?"
"Yes, Sir." He glanced at Ray, who blushed slightly. "My guide showed me what I couldn't see for myself..."
"Good. But you need one more thing." It wasn't a question, but Ben didn't look surprised. Ray had no idea what they were talking about.
Ben reached over and took hold of his hand. "I haven't had a chance to talk to Ray about this..." The old man chuckled wickedly. "...but there is something else. I want you to marry us."
Ray felt his hand tighten on Ben's convulsively and Ben looked at him, his face solemn, a little nervous. He said the first thing that came into his head. "Can he do that?"
Ben smiled faintly. "It won't be legal, Ray. It would be according to Tshimshian custom."
"Oh." He thought about it. "Does it involve walrus pelts, Benny?"
The old man burst out laughing, managing between gasping breaths to say something in what Ray assumed was Tshimshian. Ben turned scarlet and started to laugh too.
"What'd he say Benny?"
"He said... oh, dear..." Ben pulled himself together, wiping his eyes. "He said that if we were any more "effective", we'd starve to death."
*
It was late when they got to Chicago. Even later by the time they got through Customs, leaving Dief behind in quarantine because some over zealous idiot actually checked the paperwork. Much too late, they decided, to see anyone, all that would have to wait until tomorrow... or maybe later. They stood in the hallway outside apartment 3J and stared at the peeling paint on the door.
"Aren't you gonna carry me over the threshold, Benny?"
Ben grinned. "That's not a Tshimshian custom, Ray... You could always carry me."
Ray eyed him measuringly, then bent over far enough to butt him in the stomach and catch him in a fireman's carry as he folded. The door pushed open easily and he rushed the few steps into the apartment and deposited Ben up against the wall, trapping him there with his own body. He made the most of the opportunity, pressing home a long deep kiss. It wasn't his fault that Ben took unfair advantage of his distraction.
Next thing he knew, he was the one up against the wall, his mouth still trapped against Ben's and firm hands were unbuttoning his shirt and sliding inside, playing with his nipples. His mouth was released as the shirt was pulled off his shoulders, and the dark head bent low against his chest. He felt the now familiar gentle teasing and groaned.
"Ya know, Benny, one day they're just gonna fall off."
His words had no effect, and he began to stroke the dark hair absently, leaning his head back against the wall. His nipples were starting to get sore from all this unaccustomed attention, but he figured he could indulge Ben in this. Until a gentle nip sent a shock of pain through him.
"OW! That hurt!" He pulled Ben's head away from his chest
"Sorry, Ray..."
He caught a glimpse of Ben's face as he gravely placed a kiss on the abused nipple, and he pulled his lover in close and hugged him protectively. Ben's breath was hot on his throat as the soft lips explored the hollow at the base of his throat. He eased Ben's shirt off and ran his hands over the broad shoulders and muscular arms before sliding his fingers up into the silky hair, God, he felt so good! Ben's kisses were trailing downwards again, this time avoiding his nipples entirely. Ray grinned. And then forgot everything as the stud on his jeans was slipped loose and Ben dropped to his knees in front of him.
A tongue dipped into Ray's navel while suddenly impatient hands struggled with the zipper on his jeans. Then it was sliding free and the same hands slid gently inside, over his hips, easing the jeans down a little. Then the briefs, releasing him. He gasped at the quick unfurling of his cock into Ben's waiting hands. But then nothing happened.
He glanced down and saw Ben staring at his cock. More precisely, at the dark, flushed head, cupped in his palms and gleaming with the evidence of his readiness. He knew that Ben was fascinated by this particular part of him, but right now he was irresistibly reminded of Dief's reaction to the sight of a jelly donut. Somehow it both amused and moved him. He stroked Ben's cheek and the blue eyes lifted to meet his. Still holding his gaze, Ben took the cock into his mouth and Ray caught his breath sharply. It was the sexiest thing he had ever seen, a complete openness that he hadn't yet learned to expect from Ben.
"God... Benny..." Suddenly he was trembling, his hips pushing forward instinctively. He gathered the rags of his self control together and drew back, sliding free of Ben's lips. "Undo your jeans Benny."
Ben's eyes widened slightly, the pupils dilating, then he glanced down and obeyed. Ray watched the zipper descend slowly, and realised with a shock that Ben wasn't wearing any underwear... in the open V there was just pale skin and a fine line of dark hair... He shivered just at the sight of it. Ben was waiting, hands hanging loosely at his sides, his eyes on Ray.
"Touch yourself, Benny." Ray watched, fascinated, as Ben slid his hands inside the jeans and stopped again, waiting. Ben's face was as innocent as a child's. So, it was going to be like that, was it? He stifled a grin. "Push your jeans down, I want to see."
This was a great idea, Ray thought as he watched Ben slowly stroke the thick shaft of his cock. Ben's head was bent slightly as he slipped back his foreskin and gently rubbed the flushed glans, his hands trembling slightly. Then he stopped. Ray waited. Nothing.
"Benny?" His voice was gentle, had he taken it too far? But he'd thought Ben was enjoying this too.
Ben looked up and Ray saw a hint of wildness in his eyes, and a desperate longing.
"What do you want Benny?"
Ben's tongue flickered nervously across his lower lip. "I want you to mount me."
"What!?"
"Mount me, Ray..." Ben's voice was shaking.
Ray was shaken by the rawness of the images that his words conjured up. "Are you sure?"
Ben nodded, bit his lip. His eyes seemed suddenly huge. Ray bent and kissed his upturned face urgently. "I'll get something... have you got any oil?"
He was back in only a moment with a small bottle of olive oil. Ben hadn't moved, so he knelt behind him and ran his hands lightly over the pale skin, feeling Ben tremble at his touch. Ray wrapped his arms around his lover, holding him gently, brushing his lips against the back of his neck.
"You still want to do this?" The enormity of what they were about to do frightened him, but Ben was nodding. He sighed and drew back. His hands slid down the long body to Ben's hips, his flanks, feeling the steady tremors. "Lean forward a bit, Benny."
Ben pushed up on his knees and leaned his hands against the wall, his head lowered between his outstretched arms. Ray began to stroke the tender skin with well-oiled fingers, slowly moving up into the cleft between his buttocks, feeling for the entry to his lover's body. Finding it... hearing Ben's gasp... He carefully inserted one trembling finger.
It seemed to be OK. He watched, fascinated, as his fingers slowly moved in and out of Ben's body, saw Ben begin to rock against the movement drawing him deeper.
"You ready, Benny?"
A sharp nod, that was all. Ray drew his fingers out, as Ben's body released them reluctantly. He poured oil over his cock, better too much than too little in his opinion, and eased himself into his lover. Once inside, he gasped at the heat, the tight silky feel, the smooth, almost frictionless motion. Too much oil, he thought... He could feel a tickling sensation as drops of oil found their way downwards over his balls, distracting him for a moment.
He put his hands on Ben's hips and began to thrust, gently at first, then harder, plunging himself hilt deep into the hot chasm. Ben cried out inarticulately, and his muscles contracted about Ray's cock, forcing him to stop and concentrate to avoid coming too soon. He pressed in a little deeper until his belly was hard against Ben's ass, took another couple of deep breaths and stared at the scar in the centre of his back. He touched it gently... somewhere under there was his bullet. He leaned forward covering Ben's back with his own body and sliding his arms around the solid ribcage. He nuzzled the back of Ben's neck, nibbling gently at the smooth skin while his hands roamed over the well defined contours of Ben's chest.
Inevitably they began to move downwards, the muscles tightening at his touch. The only sound now was the harshness of their breathing. Ben it seemed, was beyond speech and Ray was having difficulty remembering who and where he was... His fingers finally located a hard column and slid along its length, closing instinctively around it while his other hand dipped lower over the swaying sac and cupped it in his palm, drawing it up close to the warm body beneath him. Ben's shudder transmitted through his own flesh into his body and set him to trembling too. He groaned and began to thrust again, too far gone now to be as careful as he should, but Ben was equally possessed, pushing himself fiercely against Ray's shaft.
Ray could hear guttural moans emanating from between the taut arms but all he could see was the dark hair and the back of Ben's flushed neck. Suddenly, though, Ben flung back his head, narrowly missing Ray's nose, and cried out loudly as his body climaxed. Dimly Ray was aware of the cock in his hand (Ben's? his own?) pulsing abruptly and then his own shattering orgasm rushed upon him.
It was like the silence after some cataclysmic event. Ray managed to piece together some of what had happened. He was draped over Ben's back like a wrung out dishrag and only Ben's arms, locked straight and braced against the wall were keeping them off the floor. Then, in slow-motion, he saw those strong arms buckle and he tightened his hold around Ben's waist as they toppled together.
The floor was nice, he thought dazedly, safe... he could relax his grip a little, which was a relief because his arms and legs felt like they'd turned to jelly. Ben was completely motionless in his arms and a small nagging worry started in the back of his mind. He managed to lift his head enough to look over Ben's shoulder. That beautiful flushed face was slack, exhausted, the eyelids flickering slightly. Had he fallen asleep? Ray kissed his lover's bare shoulder.
"Benny?" The dark lashed eyelids lifted and Ben looked at him out of the corner of one blue eye. The body in his arms stirred slightly, reminding him they were still tightly joined. "Are you OK? How do you feel, Benny?"
There was a long pause, then, quietly... "...Mated" ...a small happy sigh... "I feel mated, Ray..."
Once again Ray was shaken by the realisation of how powerful an emotion could be conveyed by a single word. He tightened his arms around Ben, speechless. Mated. It sounded good, wonderful. He'd have to find out what that felt like... soon. Very soon.
*
Ray was sleeping now, curled tightly in his arms, but Ben wanted to savour the memories of their lovemaking a little longer before surrendering to sleep. He was sure that he'd hurt Ray, though Ray had denied it vehemently. But the evidence of his own discomfort gave the lie to Ray's assertions, and he was much more... substantial... than Ray. He far preferred Ray's dark slender elegance, in fact he preferred almost everything about Ray to his own paleness and solid mass.
His mind wandered back to that last vision in the sweatlodge. It was all so obvious in retrospect, he wondered how he could have been so foolish, not to see what was in plain view all along. It had become clear, afterwards, that neither Eric nor the old shaman had been surprised by what had happened. He and Ray seemed to have been the last to work it out...
He pressed closer against Ray's back in spite of the heat and looked over the thin shoulder at his lover's face. His mate. He began to slowly rub the flat belly, enjoying the contrast between smooth skin and the tickle of short, slightly coarse hair. Ray moved, drawing up his long legs, pulling in his arms, contracting around his lover's touch. Sometimes, Ben thought, he seemed all arms and legs, like a young colt. It was rather endearing.
He could feel himself stirring in answer to that slight movement and though he didn't want to wake Ray, he couldn't help responding, his cock sliding lightly into the cleft of those slender buttocks. He caught his breath, managed to still the movement, but couldn't muster the willpower to draw back. Ray stirred again and turned in his arms, murmuring something and wrapping his arms and legs around Ben. Their cocks brushed together sending jolts of electricity through him and Ray lifted his head sleepily and looked at him.
"It's all right. Go back to sleep Ray."
"Are you crazy?"
He smiled at Ray's outraged tone. He'd found the solution to what had been bothering him, but it didn't look like he was going to get back to his normal sleeping patterns anytime soon.