HI and thank you all for your very kind words concerning "Blame
It On The Mistletoe", it has made posting again much easier. [muted sighs
of exasperation issue from the shadows] This is a follow-up piece to
that story that takes place three months later. I think it *can* stand
on its own, but it would make more *sense* if you read "...Mistletoe"
first. I hope you like it
The story is inspired by the song "Shadows" by Four Bitchin' Babes
(Honest, that's the group's name. They're a *country* group of all things)
off the CD "Fax It! Charge It! Don't Ask Me What's For Dinner!" (The
lyrics are all in the story. It's a beautiful and haunting piece of
music.) The last bit of lyric is from Melissa Etheridge (I think the
title is "Letting Go") I intend no disrespect by using these songs so
PLEASE don't sue me. ; - )
This is a tame, m/m relationship implied piece (Nothing
hot this time. Sorry. I'll try to make up for it with the next installment
Soft music drifted up from the apartment of the new tenant and Fraser
knew she must have had a hard day. The music was melancholy, haunting
and it matched *his* mood as well. He looked out across the darkened
city-scape before him and listened to the strains of guitar and muted
female voices. One was the vocalist on the CD, but the hesitant, clear
whisper he knew was his neighbor. After two weeks he still didn't know
her name, but it didn't surprise him. He had seen her the day she moved
in. Her dark blonde hair fell well past her narrow waist but it didn't
quite cover the half-healed bruises on her face and neck. She had met
his eyes only briefly when he'd asked if she needed any help. He knew
the look in those wide blue eyes too well. Fear, hesitation, and a haunted
emptyness that he had seen too often in the mirror after *SHE* had left.
Music seemed to be his neighbor's escape, and the music seemed to reflect
her mood. He listened to her quiet voice and let his mind drift.
It had been so long since he'd thought of *her* so clearly. In
fact, he'd hardly thought of her at all in the past three months. Since
Christmas Eve to be exact. He glanced back through the window at the
lithe form occupying his bed. No, he corrected himself, *their* bed.
Ray had asked for a larger bed if Fraser wanted him to stay more often.
Fraser had readily agreed. Anything to spend more nights in his lover's
gentle embrace. He still couldn't believe that his best friend and partner
was now also his lover. He had never been happier.
He looked down at the steaming cup of tea he held loosly in his
hands. If he'd never been happier, then why was he sitting on the fire
escape in the middle of the night, in late March? Granted, it *had*
been unseasonably warm in Chicago this winter, and he *was* use to much
colder temperatures, but it still seemed strange, even to him. Especially
when inside waited a warm bed and an even warmer companion.
The song changed and the lyrics reminded him all too vividly why:
We all have a shadow - must
"Oh Victoria, why do you have to haunt me still?" he thought wretchedly.
"Why do you still have the ability to turn my life upside down?"
I beg your memory to let me go
you to me
He could feel the hot tears threatening against the back of his
closed lids as he remembered her, and all the pain she'd caused in his
life. But even that couldn't stop the slight increase in his pulse or
the warmth the memory of her smile brought him. He stared at the moon
as it slid behind a sliver of cloud, "I wish I *could* break free of
you Victoria, but a part of me will always be yours. But that part grows
smaller everyday Victoria, and I'm glad of that. You nearly cost me
everything. My honor, my job, my life," he glanced back at his sleeping
lover, "my chance for true happiness. But even after all that, I can't
hate you. I loved you too much to ever be able to hate you. I did what
I did willingly, I admit that. I don't hold you responsible for my own
actions. What you did to Ray though....I don't know if I can ever forgive
you that.
You've caused him so much pain Victoria. He still blames himself.
He blames himself for not being able to stop me before I went with you.
He blames himself for not being able to get something on you sooner,
not that I would have listened. But mostly, he blames himself for what
happened at the train platform. He still winces when he sees the scar,
no matter how often I reassure him that it's alright. I don't know if
I can ever forgive you the pain that I see in those hazel-green eyes."
Where there's smoke, there is fire
A rueful laugh burst silently from his lips as the words reached
him, "Oh how true. How many times have I compared those who want to
get close to me, to you? How may times has your memory overshadowed
the other people in my life Victoria? Francine, Meg, Elaine, and how
many others? All of them falling to some memory of you. Francine, who
reminded me of your strength and fire, but who could never compare to
your wildness, your fierce passion. She could never surpass the memory
of the fragile but resiliant creature I found half frozen in the wilds.
Whose desire to survive kept her alive despite the odds. Francine never
stood a chance against your 'shadow'.
"Then there was Meg. Beautiful, independent Meg. I could never
look at her without remembering everything I'd betrayed with you. I
felt that the fact I still cared for you was a betrayal of her, of everything
she held dear. I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't make her face
the choice I'd had to face with you so long ago in Canada, torn between
duty and desire. I couldn't put her throught that particular hell, and
as long as there was a chance you'd come back, that possibility remained.
I just couldn't take that chance with someone else's heart.
"And Elaine...the one who finally reached me. She helped me find
someone who wouldn't fade in your shadow, someone who'd been there all
along. She helped me find my heart. I'd been searching for it for so
long Victoria, and she helped me finally get it back.
"Others had tried before. Ray thinks I'm unaware of the attention
of the women around me, I'm not. In some cases is hard *not* to notice
it. But no one could drive out your ghost, no matter how hard they tried.
I even brought a few of them here, made love to them, held them, hoping
the feel of them would drive you from my mind. But it never worked Victoria,
Never. As I'd hold them, it was *your* body I'd feel, *your* silken
hair under my hands, *your* honeyed lips pressed against mine, *your*
heated flesh moving against me. I hated you for that.
"You even haunted my dreams. I couldn't drive your scent, your
feel, your voice from my mind, even in sleep. I'd wake-up calling your
name, aching for your touch. Nothing helped. Until Elaine convinced
me to let my heart lead the way, I feared I'd be alone forever. I hadn't
consciously thought of you for some time, but your shadow kept everyone
at a distance. Even *I* didn't realize how much you still affected me,
until I found someone who could overcome even your shadow."
He gazed lovingly at the gentle man who was now so much a part of
his life, "When I hold him there is only the two of us. It's *his* voice
in my ears, *his* strong body under my hands. He finally drove your
shadow from my heart. You *became* a part of me Victoria. You shaped
yourself to fill a void in my heart. You helped me feel whole. Ray
didn't need to shape himself. It's like he *is* a part of me, a part
I didn't even know was missing until he supplied it. With him I don't
just *feel* whole, I *am* whole." The realization of his own words shocked
him, their intensity, their passion. It scared him how deeply he felt
towards his passionate Italian lover. He'd never felt so strongly for
anyone...except *her*.
We all have a shadow - must
A ray of moonlight broke through the clouds, dimmly illuminating
the small bedroom, as the final chord of the song slowly died away. Ray's
handsome features were bathed in the soft glow and Fraser felt his heart
swell at the sight. This time was different. Ray was not Victoria.
Ray knew him better than anyone, even *her*, and Fraser knew that his
love and trust were not misplaced. Fraser addressed the clouded sky
quietly, "I hope you understand Victoria. I love him. I don't know
what I would do if you came back, and I hope I never have to find out.
But I do know that I have finally found where my heart belongs, and where
it will stay.
"Eric once told me that love is like a candle in the darkness, that
the smallest spark can hold back the blackest night. You became my night
Victoria. You took away the light I'd known with you before and its
absense made the darkness that much deeper. I wondered if I'd ever find
the light again. Ray changed all that. In him I have more then just
a small spark. I have a blazing beacon. Its passion and intensity frighten
me sometimes, but its warmth is like nothing I've ever known. It fills
every corner of my being and dispells *all* of my shadows. Your shadow
can't harm me anymore Victoria, Ray's light has driven it away.
"I hope you find your own happiness someday Victoria, I truly do.
May you find a love that blazes as brightly as the one I have found.
One that can overpower even *your* shadows, whatever they may be."
Fraser turned slightly at the sound of movement from the bed behind
him, "Benny? Caro?" the beloved voice was husky with sleep.
"I'm here Ray."
"Why are you sitting out there? It's cold. Come back to bed."
"It's not that cold Ray."
A short disbelieving laugh broke the stillness, "Oh yeah, I forgot.
You're the one born and raised in the frozen north." Fraser smiled.
"Well *I'm* cold then. You may like living in a deep freeze Benny, but
I don't." The voice softened, "Come back to bed Love, please."
"Of course Ray. I'll be in in a moment." Momentarily passified,
Ray curled beneath the blankets and waited for his handsome Canadian
lover to rejoin him. Fraser turned back to face the night sky, "Good
night Victoria, where ever you are." He raised his teacup in toast to
the source of his "shadows" then drained it. He stepped carefully back
in the window and, as he closed it, the strains of another song caught
his ear...
I've come here to let you know
He smiled at the words and a feeling of peace swept over him, "Good
bye Victoria," he whispered as he turned from the window and the darkness
beyond. He walked slowly back to the waiting arms of his warm, gentle
lover and together they banished any lingering shadows.
Return to the Due South Fiction Archive
Shadows
By Kender
yours follow me
Seems I know where I go - that
shadow will be
I close my eyes, I block the sun
I call the clouds, I walk, I run
I see new faces, but they fall in
your shadow.
With what kind of needle did
you sew
I await the day I'll break free
What stubborn thread binds
I see new faces, but they fall in
your shadow.
But where your figure falls
There is only my desire
Cast against another wall
yours follow me
Seems I know where I go - that
shadow will be
I turn away, I pray for noon
I live for the night there's a new
moon
I see new faces, but they fall in
your shadow.
The letting go
Has taken place...