WARNING: Long, R-rated M/M situation.Follows "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?", "The Beat of a Different Drum", "On My Own", "Blue Moon," "Living in the Real World," "Clutching at a Dream," and "Libera Me."
O.K., this is it. The one you've all been waiting for <waves at Marina again<g>-- the DSX piece. However...
For those of you who've been sending me such very nice comments and are not into DSX-level/NC-17-rated stuff, I've cut down a DIEF version for you-- consider it "LNOTW-Lite" (hey, I couldn't leave you stranded, right? ;-) About half the length-- and nothing more explicit than some serious kissing. If you want the full-length, NC-17-rated version instead, it's on this archive too.
It reads basically like all the rest-- (Ray's) first person point of view and all.... <blushes> What can I say? Just because things are finally getting, um, 'interesting', are the guys gonna give me a _break_ here? *Nooooooo...!* <rolled eyes, martyred author sigh>
Tonight's musical selection is a duet from the musical "Miss Saigon." In this one the words don't so much follow along as set a mood... so... well... that's what they're there for, o.k.? ;-) In order not to break things up too much I put them at the end, rather than cut through the way I had originally planned.
A big TYK and a small salaam to Marina (T'Mar) for beta-ing for me, harassing me, and promising me I wouldn't hideously embarrass myself by posting this. But, if I do, that's still my fault, not hers.
DISCLAIMER: Not mine-- (Goddess, I wish! ;-) No offense or trespass intended and no profit made, I assure you. I'll put them back, when I'm done-- only slightly mussed and very happy, I promise.
<Criticism accepted. Responses of any kind appreciated. Kind words may even convince me to crawl out from under the really, really big rock I'm gonna hide under now and keep going with this. ;->
As we reach to top of the stairs and you push open the door, I can't get over the feeling of deja vu, of everything being back just as it always was...
Until you turn to me in the reflected light of the streetlamps outside and your eyes are so sad, so haunted. And I know what you're going to say and I can't bear to hear it... not now. I know it will have to come between us in the morning, but not now. Let us have this one perfect night, o.k.?
"Ray, I don't think...." Your whole heart is in your eyes as I silence you with one finger to your lips.
"I know, Benny, I know. But not now, o.k.?" I let my need, my pleading show openly in my face. "Give me tonight, just tonight, please? Let me love you this once?"
And, oh God, your eyes are shining as you nod silently. There are tears hiding in those beautiful blue eyes and it's all I can do to choke down my own because that's not what I want. There'll be a lifetime for tears later, my love. Not now. Not tonight.
So I do the only think I can think of, I lean forward and press my lips to yours.
And... oh, Benny... who would have thought you knew how to kiss like this? ...your mouth opening, pulling gently at my lower lip with your teeth until my mouth opens and those soft warm lips curl in a smile as your tongue pushes in and runs along mine. Mine responds of its own volition, sliding into that hot moist cavern as you trace the roof of my mouth and back out to the corner along the edges of my lips and I'm falling in deeper and deeper and I'm drowning I can't breathe but I don't have to somehow. I can suddenly breath like a fish here underwater, sliding down deeper into the dark coolness, breathing only you....
You pull away suddenly, desperately, and I 'm gasping for air after all, deprived of that magic connection, and my head is spinning and I realize I've grabbed on to you for support. And you to me. We're standing pressed together and if either of us moved we'd both fall flat. As I rest my chin on your strong, shaking shoulder, all I can hear is your desperate breathing echoing mine.
We stand there for I don't know how long just being together, breathing together. Until finally I pull back slowly, hands still on your shoulders to look in your eyes. The naked emotion showing there scares me. You're so incredibly vulnerable, like I've never seen you ever, and I'm paralyzed, held motionless by the love I see there....
Then you smile so beautifully, so fragilely that my heart just stops. You trail a finger down the side of my face and dart forward for another kiss. A brush of the lips this time, so quick and light I can't even respond.
But, like magic, like some ridiculous fairytale, my heart restarts. Only I think it's racing now and, oh, God, Benny-- I think you may just kill me yet. I feel my mouth moving to answer that smile and I realize I can move again, can speak. The spell is broken.
"I love you."
And the smile on your face cranks up another notch. The simple, pure joy that hearing those words brings to your face makes me want to laugh, to cry. To stand on the rooftop and howl at the world. I feel ten feet tall and lighter than air as I wrap my arms around you and pull you tight.
I pull away slowly to look in your eyes. Suddenly it's all so real and so terribly overwhelming. "Benny...." I swallow hard and try to speak past the sudden dryness in my mouth. "I don't know... . I mean, I've never...." And I can see you know what I'm trying to say because you're swallowing hard too. "You...?" I manage to ask without asking.
You shake your head and bite at your lower lip, and it's such a sweet, little-boy gesture it makes me laugh softly, tenderly. "Then we'll just have to work it out as we go, o.k.?" You nod again quickly, grateful, I think, not to have to speak. Well you were never the one to do the talking were you? And I'm not wasting a second of this night on any Inuit stories....
I'm shaking as I reach for the buttons on your shirt. I'm shaking and if it meant the world I couldn't stop.
I'm not scared of this, not for myself. I should be, somehow. I'm standing on the edge of a cliff looking over into darkness that could be anything, there could be anything at all down there, I have no idea, and I'm stepping off anyway, without a thought, without a care in the world for myself. I should be terrified, but I'm not. It doesn't matter what's below. Whatever of you I can have I want, I want more than I want air or life itself. And I can't be afraid of you, of anything you'd ever do to me.
No the shaking is for you, for this moment. Because I'm lost and utterly helpless and this is so very, very important. It's probably the most important thing I'll ever do in my life and I want so very, very badly to do it right... and I don't even know what that means.
So I spread my hands out against your chest instead, feeling the warm strength of you through the fabric there, and lean forward for another kiss. And I try not to think, not to plan, just to follow whatever happens, because you're here and I'm here and whatever happens will be perfect.
You're so beautiful. How could I have always known that and yet still never seen?
I can't believe we're actually here, that you're actually pressed up against me, touching me. Letting me touch that perfect body... you're beautiful. You're so incredibly beautiful. And for this one moment in time, impossibly, you're mine.
And I feel so awed by your love, your trust, your desire... desire for me. I know you would never go in for casual sex, Benny, I don't think you could. But we both know this is no one-night stand. Even if it's over by morning this is forever....
And for a moment I hesitate. I was raised to believe this was an unspeakable sin... but that seems so long ago and so far away. I should be horrified at my own actions, not only damning myself but corrupting an innocent, dragging you-- you, of all people-- down into hell with me. But that all seems so eerily unreal. Like a childish nightmare in the bright light of day.
In the bright light of you.
Try as I might I can't feel this is wrong. It's not a rebellion, not a denial or defiance. It's a simple truth-- this is right; this is beautiful. This is sacred. A truth as sound and as patently obvious as the turning of the earth or the beating of my heart.
I turn my head slightly, placing soft kisses across your cheek until I can whisper in your ear.
"That was incredible, Benny."
I can feel you shiver at the words as they brush across your skin and I can't resist. Tracing my tongue around the pale curve of your ear I add those three little words....
"Thank you kindly."
And you laugh.
I'm not sure I've ever heard you laugh that free, that real. You're laughing so hard you can't stop and I can't help but join you, wrestling you over on the bed beneath me and doing my best to kiss you senseless between snickers.
Suddenly exhausted-- from the day, the night before, the tension, the release-- I collapse against you, my arms around you tight and my head falling to your shoulder where it fits as though the spot were specially made for it.
Still breathing hard, you slowly manage to work your arms around me to return the embrace and I feel like my heart will just burst. Lying here in your arms, feeling you, breathing you, pressed together like we have never, could never be separated. Oh God, oh Benny.... All there is in this world is you and me and if I died tonight in your arms I swear I could want nothing more out of this life....
<finis>
The Last Night of the World
From the musical "Miss Saigon"
In a place that won't let us feel,
In a life where nothing seems real,
I have found you,
I have found you.
In a world that's moving too fast,
In a world where nothing can last,
I will hold you,
I will hold you.
Our lives will change when tomorrow comes.
Tonight our hearts drown the distant drums.
And we'll have music all right,
Tearing the night....
A song, played on a solo saxophone--
A crazy sound,
A lonely sound,
A cry that tells us love goes on and on.
Played on a solo saxophone--
It's telling me to hold you tight
And dance like it's the last night of the world.
Dreams were all I ever knew.
Dreams you won't need when I'm through.
Anywhere we may be
I will sing with you....
A song, played on a solo saxophone--
So stay with me, and hold me tight,
And dance like it's the last night of the world.
<finis>
Dianne
Who was just going to write _one_ little Song Challenge piece...
Dianne la Mercenaire... -*- <cat.goddess@pobox.com>
Vanity Web Page-- http://moonlight.dreamhost.com/lamerc/
"[My mind]'s not in the gutter, It's in the sewer. It's warmer, and
I have more friends there." ; - ] --Kender