Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans. The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the McKenzies and friends belong to me; Cat Madden belongs to Carol Trendall and is used with permission. No infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance, CTV or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit.
By Day and Night
By Cassandra Hope
(Copyright April 1997)
R
ay dug through his bag searching for a clean shirt. 'Pack lightly,' he silently mouthed the words of advice given him by a certain friend who should remain nameless. Glancing at the door of the tent, he sighed in frustration then upended the bag and shook everything out. Leaning forward, he dug through the clothing revealed, his spirits sinking with the realization that everything he had had been worn at least twice already. Settling back on his heels, he ran a hand over his thinning hair and thought wistfully of his closet of Armani suits and silk shirts. He silently vowed to burn each and every article of clothing now strewn across the floor of his tent. Grabbing the nearest T-shirt, he fed his lanky body into it and began shoving the remainder of the clothes into the bag. A small plastic coated box fell free of the heavy sweater he'd never needed. Picking it up, he smiled for the first time that morning. Who had stuffed this disposable camera in his bag? 'Probably Frannie hoping I'll get a picture of Benny in the buff! Boy, is she in for a surprise!'Ben chose that moment to stick his head through the flap of the doorway. "Breakfast is about ready, Ray. Do you need some help with the tent?"
"Thanks, Benny. I couldn't find a clean shirt but I did find this." He held out the camera to Ben.
Taking it from Ray, Ben looked it over before handing it back. "Interesting concept, Ray, however, I would not consider this to be environmentally conscious. Look at all the excess packaging and..."
"Benny!" Ray growled in exasperation, "It's a disposable camera, for crying out loud. It's for those people that don't have a camera or don't wanna damage their's by getting it wet or loosing it in a rapid or dropping it off a cliff..."
"Ah, understood but why have you waited until the last moment to bring it forth? You have missed some exceptional photo opportunities."
"Didn't know I had it, Benny. Frannie must have snuck it in my gear when I wasn't looking."
"Why would she do that?"
Ray cocked an elegant eyebrow. "Why do you think?" He grinned lewdly as the blush crept into the Mountie's cheeks.
"Here," he passed the camera back to Ben, "I though you might like to use it."
"Why, thank you, Ray, but I can wait for the trip album."
"That's not what I meant, Benny. You might want to use it to get some photos of things that might not be in the trip album."
"Like what, Ray?"
"Oh, I don't know--photos of the person who takes the photos for the album?" He let the suggestion hang on the air before continuing, "I have a sneaking suspicion that our erstwhile leader will not be in many of the photos in the album. So..." Ray proffered the camera once more.
Understanding at last, Ben accepted the camera. Momentarily taken aback, all he could say was "Thank you, Ray. I would definitely like to do that."
Ray smiled broadly and, tossing his bag at his friend, said, "Let's get this tent down so we can have some breakfast."
* * *
"Well, at least we don't have to face Lava Falls today. In fact," Travis paused and glanced over to where Ray was sitting beside Phil, "the next two days will be pretty mild. It's a good chance for you to hone your river-running skills, Ben." Travis liked the Mountie. He was a quick learner and seemed to know how to read the river and interpret its many moods. Clapping a hand on Ben's shoulder, he waved toward the river with his other hand. "If you ever decide that being a Mountie isn't for you, you've got a job here with us. We could use someone with your abilities."
Ben smiled with genuine pleasure. He, in turn, liked the Hunter brothers and it warmed his heart to realize that he had made some new friends. A brief thought flashed across his mind and he quickly shuttered it away. Why should it bother him that the men in Phil's life were the kind of men that he respected and wanted as friends--men such as TJ, Rob, Lloyd, and now the Hunter brothers? Was Martin of the same cut? How could he not be, if Phil loved him? His heart sank slightly and to cover his errant thoughts, focused his attention on Travis, answering the complement that had been given him. "Thank you kindly, Travis. That means a lot to me, but I'm afraid I must decline. The RCMP is my life and I don't think that will ever change."
"That's too bad, Ben, because you'd make a first-class pilot." They shared smiles and the kinship of fellow river-runners. The breakfast line inched forward and they loaded their plates with French toast and slices of fresh melon. The two men wandered down to the dories and settled on the ground beside the
Flaming Gorge.After quietly eating for several minutes, Ben leaned closer to Travis and asked, "Is there a chance that I could navigate one of the tougher rapids before this trip ends?"
Travis smiled wickedly then shrugged his shoulders. "Well, you know, Ben, regulations forbid inexperienced pilots from negotiating the heavier rapids while transporting passengers. However, there are a couple of 7's on this stretch that aren't too bad. If you feel up to it, you might give one of them a try. Now, if you'd think about joining us, I'm sure we could get you through the preliminaries fairly quickly and let you try Hance or Crystal or even Lava Falls!"
Ben chuckled. "I'm sure you could and that certainly makes your offer more attractive. I'll have to think about it." But they both knew that Ben was only joking.
* * *
Phil one-handedly attempted to squeeze some zinc oxide from what remained in the tube she had brought with her from Chicago. Grimacing in frustration, she whirled when Ray spoke to her.
"Can I give you a hand with that crap?"
"Uh, Ray, uh..." Phil stammered then sighed resignedly. "Yeah, I could use your help, Ray. I'm about as helpless as they come with this thing." She waved her bandaged hand at him.
"Accidents happen," Ray said as he took the tube from her unresisting hand. Squeezing a liberal quantity on the tips of his fingers, he proceeded to paint Phil's face.
Phil kept her eyes downcast. She didn't want Ray to see the truth in her eyes. She was afraid that Ray would be able to tell that that little accident had been something else entirely and she wasn't ready to justify her actions to Ray or anyone else. How could she when she couldn't justify them to herself?
Ben smiled as he clicked another photo of Ray's artistic endeavor on the canvas of Phil's face. Lowering the camera, he guiltily hid it inside his hat not wanting Phil to see it. His efforts were futile.
"Ben, if you want a picture of me just say so," Phil drawled as she and Ray approached the Mountie.
"I didn't think you would..." Ben mumbled as he gestured with his hands.
"Why ever not? I've gotten used to every Tom, Dick, and Harry on these trips wanting a picture of me. Why would I object to you wanting one as well?" In some small part of her mind she knew that she was pleased that he wanted to capture her image. After all, she took photos of him whenever she could. Maybe they were just trying to torture themselves with these reminders of the past. Phil chose not to investigate that thought further.
"I thought..."
"I know what you thought, Ben," she interrupted, "but you were wrong. Just let me get myself situated and you can take all the photos you want." She swept her hair out of her face, tugged on the hem of her shirt then her shorts, shaking first one leg then the other. Finally, she was ready.
"Here, take a picture of my best side." She struck an exaggerated pose, her hands on her hips, her head tilted upward, her profile to Ben and Ray. Before Ben could raise the camera, she shifted bringing her body and head around 180o. "Wait, this is my best side." She posed once more placing a foot on a large rock. As Ben once more raised the camera, she moved yet again. Facing Ray and Ben, she said, "Wait, I don't have a best side. I guess you'll have to be satisfied with plain ol' me."
"What did I tell you about running down my friends?" Ray jokingly reminded her.
Phil chuckled lightly and Ben captured her sparkling eyes and infectious grin. The white of the zinc oxide only added to the appeal of her face. He knew he would treasure this photo.
Phil posed for a couple more photos, striking exaggerated poses ranging from a classic body-builder's stance to one as a heroine in a silent movie. Ray laughed heartily at Phil's antics and silently thanked whoever had placed the camera in his bag.
Ben clicked the photos of Phil amazed that she was even letting him take them much less clown for the camera. The Phil he had known all those years ago had avoided this kind of public display. This Phil seemed to know how to get away with such outrageous behavior. It seemed like second nature to her. What had happened in the years that separated them to bring her this far out of the shell she had lived behind? His pleasure of the moment dissipated with the realization that if he had made a different choice all those years ago he might know the answer to that question now.
"Okay, now that I've thoroughly convinced you that I'm slightly unhinged..." Phil laughed outright at the identical lifting of an eyebrow on both men's face, "Okay, very unhinged, it's time to get this show on the road." Coming up between the two men, she looped an arm around one of their arms and headed toward where the dories awaited. Releasing her hold on them, she pointed to the ground and made motions indicating they should sit. Both men stared at each other before dropping to the ground.
Phil strolled over to the
Glen Canyon and withdrew the small book from her pack. Turning to face the group of people gathered around the dories, she leaned back against the Glen Canyon and cleared her throat, beginning:August 26--The canyon walls are steadily becoming higher as we advance...
Since we left the Colorado Chiquito, we have seen no evidences that the tribe of Indians inhabiting the plateaus on either side ever come down to the river; but about eleven o'clock today we discover an Indian garden...The corn is looking quite well, but is not sufficiently advanced to give us roasting ears; but there are some nice, green squashes. We carry ten or a dozen of these on board our boats, and hurriedly leave, not willing to be caught in the robbery, yet excusing ourselves by pleading our great want...Never was fruit so sweet as these stolen squashes.
After dinner we push on again, making fine time, finding many rapids, but none so bad that we cannot run them with safety, and when we stop, just at dusk, and foot up our reckoning, we find we have run thirty-five miles again.
What a supper we make; unleavened bread, green squash sauce, and strong coffee. We have been for a few days on half rations, but we have no stint of roast squash.
A few days like this, and we shall be out of prison. ***
"We have so little time left of our journey through this marvelous canyon, I hope these last few days are as enjoyable as the preceding ones have been. And...I, for one, am thankful that Lava Falls is behind us and there is nothing like that ahead of us. Maybe next year I'll make it through Lava Falls but, then again, with my luck I may never make it!"
"Ah, Spuds, that's what you always say," Terry called to her.
"Well?"
"On second thought, maybe you won't!"
"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence, Terry."
* * *
The dories pulled away from Whitmore Wash at mile 188. A short stop had been made here to look at yet another set of pictographs found within the depths of the Grand Canyon. Drifting peacefully down the river, Ray pulled his hat down over his face and, stretching out his legs, reclined in the stern of the
Glen Canyon. Phil trailed her uninjured hand over the side of the dory bringing it up and watching the water drip from her fingers. She was tempted to flick some on Ray but he looked too comfortable and she decided to spare him. Now if it had been Ben sitting beside her she might have gone with her original impulse.Travis's arms moved with a liquidity that spoke of years of rowing experience. He loved the river and felt most alive when travelling on it. He smiled at Phil and Ray in the stern of the
Glen Canyon and, squinting at the ribbon of sky visible above him, said in passing, "With the weather holding like it is, we should get in some great stargazing at Granite Park tonight."Phil eagerly nodded her head in agreement with Travis' proclamation.
"Stargazing? How in the hell can you stargaze when you can barely see the sky?" Ray spoke through his hat laconically waving a hand toward the canyon walls.
Phil playfully slapped Ray on the arm. "For most of the Canyon that's true but at Granite Park the Canyon widens out and on moonless nights the sky blazes with an eternity of starlight."
Ray pushed his hat off of his face and squinted at Phil. "An eternity of starlight? Sounds a little too good to believe. So are we gonna have a moonless night so I can see what an 'eternity of starlight' looks like?"
"We'll have a new moon tomorrow night so the viewing should be fantastic." Phil sighed and closed her eyes, a secretive smile playing across her lips. "The Canyon under a starlit night--it's one of the most romantic sights I have ever seen!"
Ray watched the wistful look change as her eyes opened then danced with laughter. "Is that so?" His eyebrow rose as if to say 'I don't believe you'.
"Yeah, we should be able to see a lot--much more than you can see in Chicago on a clear night!"
"Now don't start running down my hometown."
"Now Ray, you have to admit that Chicago has nothing to compare with this," she exclaimed as she swept an arm out to include the river and the ever-present canyon walls. "Where can you see something like that?" she asked as she pointed to a lava flow that cascaded over the rim of the canyon and flowed down to river level. As they drew level with the lava flow, Phil pointed to the flow itself. "Lava when it cools rapidly forms cracks in a regular pattern. From the side these cracks or joints makes the rock look like a series of columns. That's why it's called columnar jointing. This is a really great exposure. Admit it, Ray, you can't see anything like this in Chicago!"
Ray rolled his eyes but grudgingly said, "Okay, I admit that there are some things here that you can't see in Chicago but you have to admit that Chicago has it's finer points, too!"
"Well, it does have a great museum and if I ever get sick the only place I want to go is to Cook County Hospital. My brother, Rob, is on the staff there."
"Rob? As in Robert McKenzie?" Ray asked with a trace of astonishment in his voice. Was the doctor that had treated Ben's injuries Phil's brother?
"Yes! Have you met him?"
"I'm not sure. There was this Dr. McKenzie that treated Ben when he was in the hospital. He was one hard ass of doctor but he did let Dief stay with Ben."
"That sounds like Rob and I know for a fact that he treated Ben when he was in the hospital. So, that hard ass must have been my big brother," she spoke with pride and love in her voice.
"He really came down hard on me and Cat Madden the first time he was in there."
"Let me guess--you were upsetting Ben and Rob told you to take it elsewhere or he'd kick you out."
"Worse! He threatened to not let us see him."
"I bet that didn't sit well with Cat. I can just imagine her trying to order Rob around and not having much luck."
"Well, she did manage to convince your brother to let us bring Dief in. Ben really needed him."
"Rob is like that. Whatever it takes is what he'll do. Ben couldn't have a better doctor and I'm not just saying that 'cause he's my brother! Rob is one of the best doctors that hospital has." A brief image of Martin crossed her mind and guilt briefly assaulted her thoughts. Resolutely, she squashed the guilt. She would not spend her last days on this trip feeling guilty. It wasn't as if she hadn't invited him to accompany her on one of these trips. He'd just laughed and said something about not having the time or the desire to 'rough it'. She wondered if that would change after they were married--if she married him.
"Well, for what he's done for Ben, I couldn't agree more." Ray wholeheartedly agreed.
Silently, Phil agreed as she shook loose from the thoughts of Martin and their impending engagement.
Straightening from his recline position, Ray stretched widely then dropped his hands to hang between his knees. "You know, Phil, I hate to admit it but I've really enjoyed myself. I'm going to miss this bunch of nuts when this trip is over."
"I know what you mean, Ray. I feel that way every time I make this trip. I guess that's why I keep coming back."
"That's what keeps me here," Travis added as he swung the oars for another stroke. Phil smiled in acknowledgement.
Digging under her seat, she brought forth her waterproof bag and withdrew a map of the Canyon. She studied it for a minute before handing it to Ray. "See if you can locate yourself on the map, Ray," she instructed.
Ray studied the map quickly locating Lava Falls Rapid and Whitmore Wash. Using an elegant index finger, he pointed to a spot on the map. "Here," he said.
"That's pretty good, Ray. See...you've learned an important survival skill--how to read a topo map."
"Yeah, I can just see how much I'm gonna need this when I get back to Chicago." Phil laughed. Ray sighed then turned his attention back to the map paying particular attention to the course of the river. He glanced up from the map. "What's this 'book of worms' written here on this map?"
"The 'book of worms'? Gosh, I haven't visited that in I don't know how long. What do you say we stop and take a look?"
"You can do that? You can just stop this trip to hunt up some worms when you want to?"
"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to," Phil's shoulder's bobbed as she sang.
"I guess that means yes," Ray sighed.
"Yes, Ray, that means yes," Phil laughed before turning to Travis. "What do you say, Travis? Shall we stop at Parashant Wash?"
"You haven't gone looking for the 'book of worms' in several years, Spuds. Do you think you can still find it?" Travis smirked.
Phil's answer was to scoop up a handful of water and splash it on him. Travis leered back at her and with a flick of his wrist sent a wave of water over the stern of the dory with one of the oars.
"Shit!" Ray shot to his feet. He wobbled unevenly as he tried to wring some of the water from his T-shirt. "Warn me when you're going to do that! I'll jump out of the boat so you two can go at each other without me in the way."
"Oh, Ray, I'm so sorry." Phil pulled him back down onto the seat beside her.
"No, I should be the one that apologizes," Travis interrupted her. "It's just..."
"When you get the chance to pay her back, you go it," Ray finished for him.
"You got it, Ray." Turning his attention back to Phil, he said, "Parashant Wash and the 'book of worms' coming right up, Spuds." Travis steered the dory within shouting distance of the other boats and let them know of the change of plans. At mile 198, the flotilla pulled ashore and a small group of people followed Phil up the wash in search of the 'book of worms'.
"What exactly is this 'book of worms', Phil?" Ben queried when he found himself walking beside her.
"It's a huge rock that has fossilized worm burrows on it. I've even heard of someone finding some trilobites in the general area but we won't have time to do more than a cursory look around. Who knows, maybe someone will get lucky and find one."
Recognizing the terrain, Phil jogged ahead and brought the group to a halt before a large block of rock that at one time must have been higher on the cliff face. The face of the block was marred with irregular ripples and grooves that crisscrossed each other--trace fossils created by mud filling the space left by burrowing worms in some ancient sea.
"The 'book of worms'?" Ray skeptically asked.
Phil grinned widely. "The 'book of worms' and I found it on the first try!"
"Yeah, and I can't tell you how thrilled I am." Ray sighed deeply. "You have absolutely made my day, Phil. What else could possibly top this?"
Ben cleared his throat. Ray glanced at him expectantly. "Well, spit it out, Benny! You've been looking like the cat that ate the canary all morning. What is it?"
A smile of anticipation spread across Ben's face. "Travis says that I can pilot the dory through one of the remaining big rapids."
Ray exhaled deeply, placing his hands on his hips. He stared at the ground for a moment before lifting his eyes to glare at his friend. "And this is supposed to make me happy?"
"Ah..."
"Don't answer that, Benny, or I won't be responsible for what happens."
"Ah, understood, Ray."
Staring at the verbal sparring match, Phil suddenly broke into gales of laughter. Each time she looked at either Ben or Ray the chuckles began again. They in turn simply stared at her. Shaking her head helplessly, she started back down the trail toward the river and the dories that waited to continue the journey. Her laughter drifted back to the two men.
"That's one strange woman there, Benny," Ray commented.
"Ah, yes she is, Ray, yes she is."
"I could get used to it though." Startled, Ben stared at his partner as Ray continued, "One things for certain, life with her would never be dull."
As much as he wanted to tell Ray to keep his hands off, he restrained himself and only said, "On that we are in agreement, Ray."
Ray nodded with his head toward the trail and the rest of the group that had already started back to the river. "Shall we?" Ben nodded and the two men hiked back down the small wash.
* * *
Travis shipped his oars and let the
Glen Canyon drift toward the shore. The rest of the flotilla followed. Jutting out from the bank was a narrow orange and buff travertine deposit. The travertine wall separated the brown waters of Pumpkin Spring from the waters of the Colorado. A small trickle of water spilled over the lip."We're in luck, Spuds. The water level is low enough that the spring is visible."
Phil nodded her head in agreement before saying, "I was afraid that it wouldn't be! I'm glad the river is low enough so that we can stop here."
Mara stood beside the
Flaming Gorge and watched Ben help Phil from the Glen Canyon. After last night's debacle, she had spent a sleepless night trying to figure where she'd gone wrong. Just seeing Ben's solicitous concern for Phil set her teeth on edge. It wasn't fair. Why couldn't someone as nice and good-looking as the Mountie be interested in her? What was it about Phil that attracted him? Why was he interested in someone who wasn't interested in him?Unaware of Mara's deliberations, Ben and Phil joined the group around the spring. Several people climbed over the travertine lip and waded into the spring itself. Phil declined to do so not wanting to chance injuring her hand further. She urged Ben to join Ray who had started a water fight with Karen Sloan. "I'll be fine, Ben. I don't want to get this bandage wet. Go and enjoy yourself." She waved him off. Ben glanced once more with her then did as she bid.
"What does he see in you?" Mara asked from behind Phil's back.
Without turning around, Phil answered, "I don't know, Mara. I've asked myself that question so many times that I've lost track. I never knew why he fell in love with me 12 years ago and I still don't know why he's interested today."
Mara's mind reeled with the implications. So Ben hadn't fallen in love with Phil over the space of this trip. This was something that had started many years ago but, evidently, Phil did not feel the same toward him. "Why don't you tell him to leave you alone if you aren't interested in him?" she asked.
Phil sighed deeply, then turned to face the girl. "What ever gave you the idea that I wasn't interested in him? Just because I choose not to parade my private life before everyone doesn't mean that I'm not..." Phil stopped realizing what she had almost said. "I'm sorry, Mara, but whatever exists between Ben and me is really none of your concern. I did try to warn you..."
"Yeah, you did. I wish someone loved me as much as he seems to care for you." She paused a moment before continuing, "Look, Phil, uh I've...I'm...I need to apologize for the way I've acted. I didn't know there was something between you two."
"That's all right, Mara, no one was supposed to know. I didn't even know he was a part of this group until I arrived at Lee's Ferry. You could've knocked me over with a feather!"
"Well, I just wanted to say I'm sorry that I acted the way I did. He's just so good-looking and nice to everyone. It must be wonderful being loved by someone that treats you right."
"Yes, it is, Mara, but don't let that package fool you. Ben has his darker side. After all, he's human just like the rest of us."
Mara nodded her head and continued to watch the others. Phil sighed inwardly, thankful that this awkward situation seemed to have been resolved. The two women watched the others explore the spring then gather near the boats. It was time to load up and head to Mile 205 Rapid, one of the few remaining big rapids on this stretch of the river.
Phil sat in the stern of the
Glen Canyon and stared past Travis to Ben and Ray in the bow. She had almost told Mara that she loved Ben. How could she do that? She loved Martin, didn't she? Closing her eyes, she sought to draw forth images of Martin. Beside Ben's vibrant warmth, Martin's images were pale wraiths that faded quickly from her thoughts. How could she possibly love Ben after what he'd put her through? How could she not love him? He was her soul mate."That's quite a view, isn't it?" Kim asked.
Jarred from her thoughts, Phil straightened on the seat and smiled at Kim who shared the stern with her. "Depends. Do you mean the river or the bow of this boat?"
Kim quirked an eyebrow before laughingly replying, "Both!"
"I couldn't agree more," Phil answered.
The dories quickly negotiated Mile 205, neatly avoiding the large hole on the right. Travis winked at Phil before calling over his shoulder, "Mile 217 Rapid is not much worse than this, Ben. Would you like to try your hand at it tomorrow? We'll hit it fairly early in the morning."
"Yes, thank you kindly, Travis," Ben replied with pleasure in his voice.
"Well, count me out, Benny. I ain't been tossed from a boat yet and I don't plan on letting that happen tomorrow," Ray commented.
"It's not that bad, Ray. I managed Lava Falls and Phil has..." Ben's voice trailed off as Ray pointedly gazed at the graze on his arm and Phil's bandaged hand.
"Thanks, but no thanks, Benny. I'll stay right here where it's safe and dry."
The others in the dory shared a laugh at Ray's expense. Phil played with the thought of arranging a dunking for Ray but decided that with her injured hand it might backfire. Clicking her tongue with frustration, she let that thought flow out of her mind. She'd have to think of something else. As the afternoon drew to a close, Granite Park came into sight. .
* * *
With the dinner of baked roasted ham, Phil's sesame seed cauliflower, mashed potatoes, coleslaw, and Travis' brownies with whipped cream for dessert now over, the various members of the group set about enjoying their last couple of evenings in the Canyon. A small group gathered around the fire and Terry's guitar sang in the darkening evening. Several men headed in the direction of the dories.
Standing apart from everyone, Phil listened to the soulful music wafting from the direction of the fire. Did she want to join them or the group at the dories? Glancing around the campsite, she recognized Ray's lean form, as he stood, back to the fire, and stared at the darkening sky. Recalling what they had discussed earlier that morning, Phil made up her mind. She'd told Ray of the fantastic stargazing and that's what she would do now. She gathered a couple of beers from Travis' stash and approached Ray. Holding the beers aloft, she asked, "Ray, I was about to head up to my favorite spot to do some stargazing. Care to join me?"
Ray's head whipped around. Spying the cans of beer, his eyes widened. After the tale of 'Spuds' McKenzie, he understood Phil's reluctance to join the group when Travis had broken out his stash. What was she doing with a couple of cans now? Curiosity piqued, he nodded his head as he replied, "I'd love to, Phil. What about Benny?"
"What about him?" Phil motioned toward the boats where Ben was deep in a discussion with Travis, Terry, and the other boatmen. "As you can see, he's occupied for who knows how long?"
Ray grimaced slightly thinking that the group of men were undoubtedly plotting yet another day of torture for him. "Yeah, I can see your point. All right, I'll come with you. Besides I like the idea of finding a dark secluded spot with you and seeing just how romantic this starry night can be." He wiggled his eyebrows in his best imitation of a lecherous glare. Phil only laughed at him.
* * *
Ray relaxed back against the large boulder that seemed shaped for lounging. He drained the last of his beer and tossed the can to lay beside Phil's. "This is incredible, Phil! I never knew there were this many stars. Is it always like this?" His eyes sought Phil's but the sliver of moon did not provide enough illumination for that. Phil's face remained cloaked by shadows.
"Pretty much so. Sometimes it's worse, sometimes it's better. As the moon waxes it washes out a lot of the fainter stars--but you can still see the Milky Way. That's Scorpio and, of course, you know Ursa Major and Ursa Minor--the Big and Little Dippers. That's Draco and Cassiopea..." Her extended arm pointed to various constellations.
Her eyes wandered across the night sky until she found the two bright stars of Gemini, a yellow one and a white one, low on the horizon. Ben's voice whispered in her mind, 'That bright white star is Castor and that bright yellow star next to it is Pollux. Every time I gaze into the night sky and see these two stars, I'll think of you, Phil.' Even the night sky reminded her of Ben and their lost love. Sighing raggedly, she drew her thoughts from the 'what-might-have-beens' to the here and now. Glancing at Ray, she noticed that he was not studying the sky. "Ray, you aren't paying attention to what I'm saying."
"That's okay, Phil. If I'd wanted a lesson in astronomy I'd have asked Benny. No, I just like to hear you talk. Do you know your voice is kinda soft and velvety? I love to hear you talk."
Phil chuckled softly. "Soft and velvety? No, I've never heard it described like that. Ben once said my voice was like the sounds of a stream in the dark. I don't think he had the Colorado River in mind when he said that, though!"
"You know what, Phil?" Ray straightened and leaned closer to her.
"What, Ray?"
"I've really enjoyed this trip. Mind you, I'll never let Benny know that but I've enjoyed getting to know you. And I never realized just how beautiful this desert can be." Ray's voice echoed with wonder.
"I know what you mean, Ray. There's a quote by John Priestly that says it all: 'this country is geology by day and astronomy by night.' I don't think I could have expressed it any better." She sighed and leaned forward drawing her knees up to her chest. "I love being out here like this. I have to get away from the city every now and then to get my head back on straight. City life and I don't seem to agree. Someday I'll move back to the mountains."
Ray drew his knees up in imitation of Phil's pose. "You sound just like Benny. City life and he don't get along well either. I'm gonna miss him when he finally transfers back to the armpit of nowhere." His voice was thick and unsteady.
Phil reached across the distance that separated them and squeezed his arm. "I know you will, Ray. Just like I missed him when he left me." An awkward silence fell between them.
Ray cleared his throat, then whispered hoarsely, "I'm sorry, Phil. I didn't mean to bring up sad memories for you."
"You haven't, Ray. I can't help but remember all the things that happened between Ben and me. With him here as a constant reminder, how could I not remember what we once had?"
Ray's interest was aroused. "Do you think you two will get back together?"
"I don't know, Ray." She turned her face to him. "Anyway, I'd rather not discuss Ben. After all, I'm out here with you, not him." A deep chuckle greeted her as they watched the tiniest sliver of a moon slowly navigate across the night sky.
"It's getting late, I guess we should start back." The words said so but the voice said she would like to stay longer. "We've got an early morning tomorrow."
"Phil, thanks for sharing your shelf with me tonight." His voice was a velvet murmur.
"It was my pleasure, Ray. I've enjoyed being up here with you."
They stood, gathered the empty cans, and headed back to the lip of the shelf and the incline they had climbed to reach this perch. Ray placed a hand on Phil's arm and stopped their progress. She swung around and smiled crookedly at him. Ray sighed at unexpected opportunities. "Phil, I just wanted you to know that I'm attracted to you and if I didn't love someone else and you didn't love someone else, I'd give Benny a run for his money. He said I would like you and he was right--as usual!" He looked deeply into the shadows of her coffee-brown eyes and asked, "Would you be terribly offended if I kissed you? I mean I don't want you hurting your hand again."
"I think it's a little late to be asking that considering that you've already kissed me...more than once!" Gently teasing, she moved into the circle of his arms. The kiss was short but held a wealth of promise behind it. Phil stared into Ray's face, illumined by the faint moonlight. His hazel eyes darkened with emotion. She felt his arms slide around her and pull her closer to his body. She ran her tongue across her parted lips at a loss for words.
Ray stared in fascination as different emotions flitted across Phil's barely visible face. Why had he kissed her? Why was he holding her so close now? It just seemed the right thing to do. He stared into her brown eyes and watched something stir in their depths. He watched her tongue glide sensuously over her lips and gave into the desire to taste her lips once more. This kiss was longer as Ray's tongue stroked the satin of her lips and, as they parted, he gained entrance to the softness of her mouth. He felt her arms move around his body to hold him tightly as she molded her body to his.
Briefly, Phil wondered about Casey. Did she know what she was missing? How could she stand by and not claim Ray's love? Surely she wouldn't let anything stand between them, would she? 'But that's exactly what you're doing to yourself,' her conscious interrupted, 'you're letting your pride and your hurt feelings stand between you and the love you know you want.' Confused, Phil clung tightly to Ray.
* * *
Ray had been gone a long time. Worried that he might be lost, Ben searched the camp one last time. Scanning the banks of the river, it struck him. He glanced toward the group around the fire then at the other people that moved about completing unknown tasks. Phil was missing as well.
He approached Travis and asked if he had seen either Ray or Phil. Travis nodded his head downstream and mentioned that he had seen Ray following Phil up onto a shelf below them. He said it was one of her favorite spots to stargaze.
Ben quickly headed downstream to find his lost partner and Phil. As he approached the incline to the shelf, he still could not see Ray or Phil. He climbed the steep slope near the canyon wall. As he approached the top and pulled himself up, a sight he would not have credited ten minutes earlier greeted him. As his eyes adjusted to the changing shades of darkness they widened in disbelief. The indistinct forms resolved themselves into Ray and Phil locked in a passionate embrace. They were oblivious to his approach. His nostrils flared with fury even as he questioned his anger. He had no claim on Phil. Yet seeing her with Ray...seeing her with any man angered him.
"Excuse me!" Like stones, he threw the words at the couple.
Phil and Ray jumped apart, guilty looks on their faces. Ben glared at them, hands on hips, danger signs flashing in his eyes.
Phil moistened her lips with her tongue. "Ben! What are you..."
"Benny! We were just..."
"I can see what you were just doing." He watched his friends share another guilty look and it angered him even more.
Phil's hackles rose at the challenge in his voice. Just who the hell did he think he was? So...he wanted anger? She could give him anger. "What are you doing here, Fraser? Are you following me...us? Just what gives you that right?" Facing Ben, she spat out the words contemptuously.
Ben drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. He had not wanted this, but it looked like there was no escaping the inevitability of this encounter. "If you don't mind Ray, Phil and I need to talk."
Ray glanced at Phil noting her stance; he didn't need to see the daggers in her eyes. "Do you want me to stay?" he softly asked.
She shook her head and, in a voice edged with steel, said, "I'm fine, Ray. Ben's right, I think we do need to have a private talk."
Ray glanced back and forth between his two friends then nodded his head in understanding. Grasping her by the shoulders, he lowered his voice and said, "I'll be waiting for you down by the river, okay?"
Phil clenched her lips then bobbed her head. "I'll see you there, Ray." With a glance toward his partner, Ray started back to the camp.
"Just what the hell was that all about?" she sputtered, bristling with indignation.
"You tell me! You both disappear and then I find you two locked in an embrace that would shame Sunny Barkley!" Ben's voice was equally harsh.
"Sunny Barkley? You mean the hooker who was in the news last year? The one connected to Senator Johnstone?"
"Yes, that's the woman."
"You're comparing me to that woman? Benton Fraser, I've...I...I..." She clenched her hand, so furious she could barely speak.
Ben saw the action and pulled her into his arms preventing her from injuring her hand further. He held her until she stopped squirming. Only then did her release her. She stepped back and glared at him, breathing heavily.
"I'm not comparing you to her, I just said that your actions were not..."
"Not what?" The quiet tone in her voice told Ben just how angry she was.
Holding his hands up in a futile attempt to divert her anger, he lowered his voice and spoke, "Your actions were not proper. You don't even know Ray, and yet, here you two are acting like...like long-lost lovers."
"And why not? I like Ray and I find him very attractive. And the feeling is mutual." She used her finger in his chest to accent each point.
Ben stumbled back a step. "Phil, you just met Ray. How can you be attracted to someone you've just met?"
Phil stared incredulously at him then turned away. She crossed her arms and hugged herself. Glancing at him over her shoulder, she hardened her heart by erecting barriers of anger. "I fell in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you. Why can't I do the same with Ray? And what right do you have to ask me that? Just look at what you did--a couple of days in a blizzard with a murdering thief and you..." she couldn't stop the words that spilled forth, "...you threw my love away like a piece of garbage. Don't go telling me who I can or cannot fall in love with. You don't have that right!"
Suddenly weak and vulnerable in the face of her anger, Ben stared at her rigid back then moved to stand behind her. Everything she said was true. What right did he have to question her choices? "I'm sorry, Phil. I thought we had talked through that..."
She whirled to stare at him. "Well, we haven't! That's one of those circumstances that we're going to have to discuss."
Resignedly his shoulders slumped. He placed his hands on her shoulders and tilted her chin up. "Understood." He took a step back and raked his fingers through his hair. When he spoke again his voice was calmer. "I am sorry about blowing up over seeing you and Ray together. I...I don't know what came over me! I acted like..."
"You acted like you were jealous." She spun on her heels and hurried toward the edge of the shelf in the direction Ray had gone.
Had he acted like he was jealous? He knew the answer before he even formed the question. He couldn't help it. He still cared for her and he was jealous of anyone who got close to her. That thought surprised him. He had not thought himself to be the sort of man to be consumed by jealousy yet here he was seething inside with emotions that threatened to overwhelm him.
Clenching his teeth, he breathed deeply then called to Phil, "Phil! Wait a minute, please." She slowed, then stopped, and waited while he came up to her. He spoke, his tone apologetic, "I'm sorry, Phil. I don't know what came over me. I thought we had come to some sort of understanding. Didn't we?"
She licked her lower lip, quelling her anger. "I told you at the beginning of this trip that I was involved with another man. I thought you understood that."
"I did. But I thought...after yesterday...darn, I don't know what I thought, Phil." He ran a hand through his hair once more. "I guess I thought that that had changed." His head slowly sank until his chin rested on his chest. In a voice that had lost all of its fire, he murmured, "I guess it would have been better for everyone if I had run when I first found out you were going to lead this trip."
The crooked smile pulled at the corners of her mouth as she glared at him. "You? Run? I can't believe that Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP, could, much less would, want to turn tail and run." The humor of the situation help draw away the anger she felt.
Ben nodded his head. "Nevertheless, it's true. I even contemplated stealing a vehicle just to get away before you arrived."
Phil laughed with delayed reaction to her anger. "You? You actually thought about committing 'grand theft auto' just to get away from me? You have no idea just how much better that makes me feel." Unable to stop, she continued laughing. She watched as a smile spread on his face until he was grinning, too. "That's better. I'm sorry, Ben, I said a few things I didn't really mean."
"Apology accepted, although it's not necessary. I guess the shock of seeing you...of seeing you with Ray has affected me as well. I honestly never thought I would ever see you again--ever get a second chance." The thumb raked across the eyebrow.
The smile faded from her face. "And I thought I would never see you again either." Ben watched as look of longing settled in her eyes. She swallowed, "Ben..."
"What is it, Phil?" The tone of her voice tied his stomach into a knot.
She drew in a deep breath. "Would you..." She stopped when she realized what she wanted. Thanking the darkness for covering the red that stained her cheeks, she turned away from him.
Softly, he asked, "Would I what, Phil?" He watched Phil's back; watched each breath she took; watched her turn again to face him. When she spoke, he listened to her soft voice intently.
"Would you hold me like you used to, kiss me like you used to, and tell me how much you love me like you used to?" She had no idea how sensuous she sounded to him.
His mouth dropped open. Surely he'd misunderstood her. She couldn't have asked what he thought he'd heard. The request hung between them. In the faint starlight, he could see the unshed tears in her eyes in her upturned face. Groaning, he pulled her to him and molded his body to hers. He hungrily plundered her mouth with his kisses and refamiliarized his hands with the contours of her body. The old familiar flames of desire burned inside him.
Phil clutched at him and returned his kisses with a matching ardor. Years of loneliness melted away and they clung to each other in desperation but reality soon intruded and Phil drew away from his embrace. She stared into his face knowing that his eyes would have darkened to a dark storm-sea blue and smiled tremulously at him. Returning to his arms, she snuggled closer and leaned against the rock hard strength of his body. It had been so long since she had done this. She listened to his racing heartbeat inexplicably calmed by the thud-thud beneath her ear. She felt his hands moving in gentle circles on her back. She felt the slight movement caused by the soft chuckle that fell on her ear.
"We had some good times, didn't we, Phil?"
"Some of the best. But that was long ago." Her husky voice only emphasized the sadness and loneliness.
He continued to hold her, content just to feel her familiar presence in his arms. "What about Ray?" he asked.
"What about him?" she counter queried.
"Are you interested in him?" It was hard to keep the jealousy out of his voice or the fear that she might love another.
"Not romantically. I know his heart belongs to someone else."
"Casey Sinclair?" He asked as the kernel of fear slowly eased. He felt her nod her head. "I thought so but he doesn't talk about her anymore. In fact, he said that that relationship was over."
"That doesn't mean he doesn't think about her."
"I know the feeling, Phil," he whispered against her hair. "What about Martin?" He held his breath as he waited for Phil's answer.
Yes, what about Martin? In the headiness of the moment she had forgotten Martin. Phil pulled away from Ben, knowing that she had revealed perhaps too much to him. Trying to regain her perspective and distance her feelings once more, she spoke, her voice quavering with emotion. "Why? Do you begrudge me a chance for happiness?"
"No, Phil, I don't. I just don't want you jumping into something you're not ready for." He pulled her to him again. "And...before you go jumping into a new relationship with a new friend, could you explore the possibility of jumping into an old relationship with an old friend?"
Phil closed her eyes. "T, I don't want to be hurt by you again." She buried her face in his shirt. "Once was enough."
She had called him 'T'. A feeling of warmth filled him. Ben brought his hands up and threaded them through her hair, the silky strands caressing his fingers. "Phil, I made a mistake 12 years ago. I hurt you and I hurt myself. Can you forgive me for what I did to you, to us?"
"Ben, I forgave you a long time ago." She thought of Lindy. "But, there are things that happened after you left me. Things that we need to discuss." Memories threatened to rob her of her composure. "Things that we cannot discuss here--not during this trip." Shaking loose from his embrace, she put a distance of several feet between them. "After this trip is done, we can talk about everything. Maybe this is our second chance. Maybe we can find what we both lost.
Maybe..." But not right now.
Phil stared at the man she had never stopped loving, then turned and slid down the incline. At the bottom she looked back up to see Ben silhouetted against the faint glow of the Milky Way. She turned and ran toward the river. She didn't stop until she saw Ray waiting for her.
He took one look at her and gathered her into his arms. "I take it you and Benny had that talk that you've been avoiding?"
Phil nodded, straightened, and moved away from Ray. Why couldn't she find someone to replace Ben in her heart? Why not Martin? She glanced at Ray and asked him point-blank, "Why is it that the moment I finally meet someone who could make me forget Ben, he's here to make sure I don't?"
Ray smiled knowingly. "That's probably because, deep in your heart, you still love him. Am I right?"
Phil shook her head before running her fingers through her short hair. "I don't know, Ray. How could I still love him after what he did to me? After what happened? And even if I did, I could never trust him again. How can I love someone I can't trust?"
Ray gently pulled her into his arms again. He cradled her head as she laid it against his shoulder. "I trust him, Phil. That's all I need to know about him. He's my best friend. He needs someone like you in his life."
Phil whispered, "I thought you were interested in getting to know me better. Now here you are trying to palm me off on Ben. What happened?"
"Phil, you and I both know that we could have a wonderful relationship. But, and that's a mighty big but, Benny would always be there in the background. If there is to be anything between us, you'd have to get over him completely and I'd have to get over Casey."
"It's been twelve years, Ray, and in all that time I haven't been able to do that."
"That's what I thought." He smiled down at her. "Do you think you're going to do that by the time this trip is over?" Shaking his head, he said, "I don't think so, Phil."
Phil sighed deeply letting all her frustrations flow with her breath. "What do you suggest, Mr. Detective Vecchio?"
Ray thought of what he had pieced together of the relationship between Ben and Phil. If she could make Ben happy, make him forget Victoria...well, it was all to evident to him that Phil still cared for Ben. They just needed to work through their differences. Yeah--Ben and Phil--it just
felt right. Just like Ray and Casey felt right.
"What do I suggest? I think you and Benny should spend more time together and see if you can rescue what you once had. Benny needs someone like you and you still love him. Don't deny it..." He could feel her shaking head. "Phil, you need to look into your heart and come to terms with what you find there. If you can honestly say to me that you do not love him, and will never love him, then maybe..."
Phil stepped away from him. "Thanks, Ray. You're not the first to tell me that very same thing." She extended her hand. "Can we still be friends?"
"Of course we can?" Ray took her hand and instead of shaking it, brought it to his lips and placed a kiss on her palm.
"What if I find I still love Ben? Can we be friends then?"
"Especially then." He smiled at her confusion. "Benny's my best friend. If you can make him happy, I will love you forever."
"Thanks, Ray. You don't know how much that means to me." She withdrew her hand from his, turned, and started away from him. She took a couple of steps then turned back to face Ray.
"What is it, Phil?"
Phil bit her lips before answering, "I've been debating whether or not to tell you something. It's selfish of me, but I wanted to see how this trip went before I told you where I lived."
"I've noticed how you avoided letting anyone know where you were from. Even the Hunters refused to tell. What did you do, warn them not to discuss your private life?"
"Something to that effect. It's a standard policy that we don't divulge private information about each other. I also told them that I didn't want any more complications in my life."
Ray closed the distance between them. Sliding his hands into the pockets of his shorts, he rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet. "I can understand that. Now are you going to tell me where you live?"
"Only if you promise not to tell Ben. I'll tell him when I think the time is right. Okay?"
Ray searched her face looking for clues to what was going on in her mind. He saw only determination and wariness. "Okay. I won't tell Benny anything as long as it doesn't compromise my friendship with him."
Phil nodded her head shortly. "That's fair enough." She ran her hands through her hair then buried her face in her hands. Moments passed before, in barely more than a whisper, she said, "Do you remember me kidding you about not being able to see many stars in Chicago?"
Ray nodded, puzzled. What did the air quality in Chicago have to do with anything?
Phil sucked in a deep breath and slowly expelled it before uttering, "I should know, Ray. I live in Chicago, too."
Ray's eyes widened. "What?!? You live in Chicago?"
Phil smiled ruefully and nodded. "For the past seven years. In fact my apartment is about three blocks from the Canadian Consulate. I can't tell you the number of times I walked past that building without knowing Ben was there..." her voiced trailed off. "I only found out that he was in Chicago about a month ago."
Ray struggled to control his own mirth. All those times when Benny thought he had seen that mysterious woman from his past--could he have actually seen Phil? And here he was on a
trip that was supposed to help him get his head on straight. The humor of the situation was overpowering. He looked at Phil, saw the expression on her face, and decided against telling her about Ben's obsession with the 'mystery woman.' It was something they could work out together.
Yes, this field trip had definitely been worth the effort. What an experience it had been--for all three of them. Maybe Phil was the one who could finally erase the shadow of Victoria from Ben's life. Heaven knows he needed it. Victoria had caused too much pain in too many lives.
Maybe Phil was the opiate for so much pain. He gathered her into his arms and hugged her deeply.
Yeah, maybe she was the one to bring a little warmth and love into Ben's life. He sure hoped so. Sadly he recalled his lonely state knowing that the woman he wanted waited for him in Montana. 'Maybe, I'll give her a call...' he thought.
* * *
Journal entry: 11 September 1997
Travis asked me today if I'd be interested in becoming a professional river runner. I admit there is great attraction in what he offers, but I cannot accept. I am first and foremost a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman. I have always wanted to be one and, I guess, I'll die one. Just like my father.
There are only two more days left to this trip. I must make my move before it's over. I must let Phil know how I truly feel. I cannot let her leave without her knowing that I love her. I dread telling her, though. I know now that I cannot have her in my life as just a friend. I want her love but I don't know how she feels. Occasionally I get a hint of something that might be love from her but I am never sure. Is she just teasing me? I hope not. What does she really feel for this other man in her life?
I held her tonight and kissed her like I have wanted to do since this trip started. I was surprised by her request for it. I thought she wanted to avoid anything that personal. Did she want to compare my passion with the passion she had just experienced with Ray? I hope not.
How could she ask me to kiss her if she truly loved Martin? That she loves him eats at me like a cancerous growth. I am jealous of Martin. I am jealous that Phil enjoys spending time with him. I am jealous that Martin can kiss her whenever he wants. I am jealous of Martin.
Dante in his 'Divine Comedy' wrote "Love, which is quickly kindled in the gentle heart, seized this man for the fair form that was taken from me, and the manner still hurts me. Love, which absolves no beloved one from loving, seized me so strongly with his charm that, as thou seest, it does not leave me yet."
Love for Phil seizes me and it hurts to see her reject me. I can understand why she does it, but that doesn't lessen the hurt. I am surprised at the depths of my feelings. How can I possibly want to inflict this kind of pain on myself again? Maybe what I'm feeling is an echo of what I once felt.
If I can't have Phil...I don't know what I will do. I must make it plain to her what I want--no inuendos, no distractions, no falsehoods...only truth, only bare facts. I want her back in my life. I only hope she feels the same. I don't want just her friendship, though. I don't think I could handle that. It has to be all or nothing. But, I'm afraid that it might be nothing. Have I hurt her past the point where she can forgive me? Please, God, I hope not.
To be continued (?)
***Excerpted from 'First Through the Grand Canyon' by Major John Wesley Powell
Copyright April 1997 by Cassandra Hope
Comments are welcome at
baktrak@earthlink.net
Second Chances
(Book 3 of the Ben & Phil Saga)