"No
one in the kingdom could ever explain how the strange thing happened.
They could only say it just happened to happen, and was not very likely
to happen again."  Dr. Seuss, _The 500 Hats of Bartholemew Cubbins._
In other words -- this one is a complete goof.

WEDDING BELLS

by Katrina Bowen

Ray couldn't stop himself.  He tried his best, but in some situations,
a man simply has to give in to his baser instincts.  Ben was looking
frantic and worried and angry all at once, but there was no helping it.
Ray laughed harder and harder.  Finally he managed to ask his friend,
"Will you please tell me how even *you* could get engaged by accident?"

Ben started pacing the Vecchio living room.  "Well, it's not as if I
asked the young lady to marry me."

"Of course not."  Ray stopped laughing, but the corners of his mouth
were still twitching.

"All I did was -- well, I couldn't very well let her step in front of
a bus, could
I?  I mean, I've saved dozens of people.  None of them have ever
interpreted it as a proposal."

"I know I never did."  Ray raised his hands in apology.  "Sorry.  Go
on." 

"This isn't at all humorous, Ray."  Ben ran his hands through his dark
hair. "I pulled her back, and the next thing I knew, she was hugging
me and saying she knew she'd find me.  Apparently at the age of fifteen,
a carnival fortune teller told her that she'd marry a man in red who
saved her life." 

"I always knew that suit would get you into trouble someday, Benny."

"What am I supposed to do, Ray?" Ben asked plaintively.  "I tried reasoning
with her, but she simply can't accept that she might be wrong. As far
as she's concerned, we're fated to be together."

"Well, I assume you've tried just telling her you wont marry her."  Ray
stood and crossed the room.  He took Ben by the arm and pushed him into
a chair.  "Sit down.  I'm getting a headache watching you."  He folded
his arms and leaned against a table.

Ben leaned forward and buried his face in his hands.  "She's following
me, Ray.  She keeps calling the consulate, she's staked out my apartment.
She even followed me into the library this afternoon -- she jumped me
in the Asian Philosophy section."  He sighed.  "And I thought your sister
was determined."

"Okay."  Ray started pacing himself.  "What's this girl's name?"

"Sue Ann Bottendorf.  She's an administrative aide at the Field Museum."
He paused; looking up at Ray, he added, "And she says she's started planning
the wedding.  She asked if I knew any caterers."

"Well, let's take this one step at a time.  You want me to put you in
protective custody?"

"Ray, really."

"No protective custody.  Well, I suppose we can count on Dief to watch
out for you."  He stopped in front of Ben.  "Okay.  Go back to your apartment.
Lock the door for once -- don't sign anything that looks even remotely
like a marriage license -- and don't let anyone take any of your blood."

Ben rose, looking a little dazed.  "What are you going to do?"

Ray opened his mouth; he reconsidered what he had been planning to say,
and he finally just told Ben, "I'm going to make her reconsider her position."

****************************************************************************

"What's she doing here?"  Frannie pointed at Meg Thatcher, who looked
confusedly from her to Ray, still unsure why she had been urgently summoned
to the Vecchio house.

Ray leaned on the dining room table and glared at his sister.  "Shut
up for a minute, Francesca.  I think this involves both of you."  Quickly,
he gave both women an abbreviated summary of Ben's dilemma.  When he
finished, he wasn't sure which one looked more horrified.  "So you see,"
he concluded, "it's up to us to make sure he doesn't get sucked into
anything."

Meg spoke up.  "It can't be as serious as you're making it sound, Detective."
But she didn't sound at all sure.

Ray tilted his head and looked at her.  "Do you want to take the chance?"
His glance shifted to his sister, who still looked woozy.  "How 'bout
you, Frannie?"  She mutely shook her head.  Satisfied that they appreciated
the gravity of the situation, he nodded.  "So this is what we're gonna
do ..." 

****************************************************************************

Sue Ann eagerly answered the knock at her door.  She greeted the woman
standing there, "Oh, are you the caterer who called?"

"Yeah.  Francesca Vecchio."  Frannie shook the proffered hand.  "So you're
getting married?"

"Oh, yes," Sue Ann bubbled as she led Frannie into her apartment.  "To
the man of my dreams."

"Yeah, *in* your dreams," Frannie muttered.  More loudly, she added,
"So tell me about this guy.  You known him long?"  Frannie looked around
the apartment -- there were hearts and rainbows and big-eyed cuddly animals
everywhere.

"Well ... we only met last week."  Seeing Frannie's raised eyebrow, she
rushed on, "But we're destined for each other, I know."

"I'm sure you are, sweetie.  So who is the lucky guy?"

Sue Ann went back to bubbling.  "Oh, he's a Canadian.  He works at the
consulate.  His name is Benton Fraser," she finished reverently.

Frannie shrieked, "Benny Fraser?  You're marrying Benny Fraser?"

"Uhhh..."  Sue Ann blinked.

"Oh, you're gonna *love* him!"  Frannie said enthusiastically.  "Let
me tell you, he is one great kisser."

"You know him?"  Sue Ann managed to say.

"Know him?  Oh, honey --"  Frannie started laughing.  "Most of Chicago
knows him."  Sue Ann gaped.  Frannie spent the next fifteen minutes describing
conquests by the famed Mountie Romeo, getting more and more creative
as Sue Ann's jaw dropped lower and lower.

Just when it looked likely to hit the floor, the buzzer rang.  Sue Ann
jumped to her feet.  "Oh -- I invited the wedding planner you mentioned,
too.  She's early, though."  She looked to the door uncertainly.

Frannie made shooing motions.  "Go let her in.  The more the merrier."
As Sue Ann went to the door, Frannie called after her, "At least that's
what Benny always told me."  She grinned as Sue Ann's back stiffened.

She came back in a few moments, Meg Thatcher in tow.  Before Sue Ann
could say anything, Frannie said, "I'm so glad you're here, Meggy." 
She ignored Thatcher's frosty look at the nickname.  "You'll never guess
-- Sue Ann here is marrying Benny Fraser!"

Meg looked appraisingly at Sue Ann, who was once again losing her jaw.
"Oh, really?  The constable works under me at the consulate."  She smiled
dreamily.  "And elsewhere ..."

Frannie smiled to herself.  By the time the two of them were done with
her, Sue Ann would be having second, third, and fourth thoughts about
marrying Ben.  Or any man, for that matter.

****************************************************************************

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Ray?"  Ben looked down the street
in front of the consulate anxiously.

"Trust me, Benny."  Ray closed the door of the Riv and walked around
to slouch against the passenger side.  Glancing at his watch, he said,
"I think it's all gonna work out."  He indicated Sue Ann marching decisively
down the street.  Ben looked as if he was seriously considering ducking
into the building, but he finally decided to stand his ground like a
true Mountie.  Ray looked casually to where Meg and Frannie were peeking
carefully around the corner.

"Mr. Fraser, I'm not going to marry you."  Sue Ann spoke with a quiver
in her voice.  Ben stared.  Before he could form any words, Sue Ann
continued, "You're just not the man I thought you were."

Ben finally found his voice.  "What kind of man *did* you think I was?"

Sue Ann just glared and started to stalk away.  Ray tapped on the side
of the car;  on cue, Dief jumped out the window and ran in front of her.
Stumbling, Sue Ann would have tumbled to the sidewalk if she hadn't been
caught by Constable Turnbull, leaving the building at that moment. 

"Are you all right, ma'am?"  Turnbull asked courteously.  Sue Ann looked
at him blankly.

"You just saved me."

"Ma'am?"

Ray smiled.  "Come on, Benny.  I think you're off the hook.  I'll buy
you dinner."

Ben silently got in the car, indicating for Dief to precede him.  He
didn't seem to notice Frannie or Meg as the Riv drove by them.  After
several blocks, he finally asked Ray, "How did you arrange all that?"

"Arrange what?"  Ray asked innocently.  Ben just stared at him, and Ray
grinned.  "Ya know, I'm really glad you Canadians are so punctual.  If
Turnbull hadn't shown up, I would have had to get a maitre d' or a doorman
or something.  Not many guys walk around in red suits, you know."  He
looked at the road just long enough to get through the intersection.
"Besides, I would have had to tip anyone but a Mountie." 

"Just drive, Ray."

***************************************************************** The
title comes from a Hank Williams song.  The characters come from Alliance.
The ideas are mine.  The comments, as always, are yours.