Taking You Home

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I had a good life
                              
Before you came
                      
I had my friends and my freedom
                             
And I had my name

--From "Taking You Home" by Don Henley
-------------------------------------

Ray Kowalski paced around the small cabin he shared with Fraser. Their
home.  Only right now Fraser wasn't home. They'd had a stupid argument
and Fraser had walked out. Where Fraser had gone, Ray didn't know.  Out
into the middle of the frozen tundra somewhere, he supposed. It made
him shiver just thinking about it. 

He shouldn't have said those things about his life before Fraser. After
all, he'd taken the undercover assignment impersonating Ray Vecchio because
he hadn't been happy with his life. He'd been offered a transfer at one
point - the chance to take his old life back, go back to using his real
name. And he'd refused it. He'd refused it because of Fraser. But he'd
been pissed at his lover, and had made it sound as if everything had
been wonderful before they'd become partners back in Chicago. So what
if he'd had his name. He hadn't had a love like this, not even with Stella.

---------------------------------------------
Still there was sorrow and emptiness
                           
'Til you made me glad
                              
Oh and this love
                    
I found strength I never knew I had
                              
Oh and this love
                     
Is like nothing I have ever known
--------------------------------------------

After Stella had left him, nothing had made him happy. He'd been empty
inside. And then there had been the new job being Vecchio, which had
brought Fraser into his life. And suddenly things had been better. He'd
been happy. And when he and Fraser had become lovers he'd been even happier.
And everything about his life had been better. He'd become a better cop,
a better person, even.  He'd felt stronger. He'd never felt anything
like the feelings he had for Fraser. Sometimes he still found it hard
to believe that Fraser actually wanted him. 

And now he'd gone and messed that up. 

Well, maybe Fraser would come back. He'd just gone for a walk to cool
off. It wasn't like there was anywhere he could go, really. Diefenbaker
looked at him and whined a question. 

"I don't know where he is, Dief. I don't know when he'll be back. We'll
just have to wait." 

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There were days, lonely days
                  
When the world wouldn't throw me a crumb
                                   
No, no
                          
But I kept on believin'
                          
That this day would come
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Fraser sat on the edge of the small lake and stared out at the water.
Ice, actually.  He hoped that Ray wan't too upset with him for walking
out.  Fraser didn't like arguments. Neither did his partner, he supposed.
Any time they had a disagreement it seemed that Ray was terrified Ben
would leave him. He'd tried to reassure the American that he wouldn't,
but he could still sense the fear in his partner.  And then Ray would
try to push him away, almost as if he was trying to force him to leave.
Fraser imagined that Ray wasn't doing that deliberately, but he thought
that was the reason for Ray's hurtful words earlier. He'd said that he'd
been perfectly happy before he'd taken over for Ray Vecchio and become
Fraser's partner. He'd had friends, freedom, his real name.  Ben knew
that wasn't true, but it had hurt all the same.

Fraser had been alone for most of his life. Except for his brief encounter
with Victoria, he hadn't had many lovers. He'd almost given up, but part
of him had held out a tiny spark of hope that one day he would find someone.
And he had. He'd found Ray. It had taken them some time to get to this
point; both men had been hurt in the past and had some pretty major defenses
set up. But they'd made it, somehow.

--------------------------------------                             Oh,
and this love
                     
Is like nothing I have ever known
--------------------------------------

He'd never known anything like the love Ray showed him. What he'd had
with Victoria hadn't been real love. It had been infatuation and obsession,
but not love.  Ray Vecchio and his family had shown him love, tbe love
of a family. He would always be grateful for that. But he hadn't known
the love of a lover until he'd fallen in love with Ray Kowalski. 

He hoped he still had that love.

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Home
               
Where we can be with the ones who really care
                      
Home, where we can grow together
                        
Keep you in my heart forever
------------------------------------------------

Ray wondered when this cabin had become 'home' to him. He and Fraser
had built it on the site of the cabin that Victoria Metcalfe had burned
down.  Sometimes Fraser would ask him if he wanted to 'go home', meaning
back to Chicago.  But the north was home to Fraser. He couldn't believe
it when they'd jumped out of an airplane and landed in a snowbank in
the middle of nowhere and Fraser had cheerfully declared "I'm home."
There was nothing there, just snow. But to Fraser, it seemed that the
entire northern part of the country was home - the Yukon, Northwest Territories
and, what was the name of that third one, Noon - a -vut. 

Ray had soon stopped thinking of Chicago as home. Home was where Fraser
was. Home was where they were together.  He wanted them to be together
forever. 

Ray looked at the clock, then looked outside. It was pretty dark out
there. Then again it was dark pretty much all the time at this time of
year. Still, he was worried. 

Hell with it. He was going to go find Fraser.

Waving to Diefenbaker to join him, he pulled on his heavy parka and hat
and set out in the direction he'd seen Fraser heading.

---------------------------                             
Oh, and this love
                    
 Is like nothing I have ever known...
-----------------------------------

Fraser stood up and stretched. Ray would be worried. He had better go
home. Yes, home. It was only a small cabin in what Ray would call "the
middle of nowhere" but it was his home.  His and Ray's. At least he hoped
so.

When he was about halfway back to the cabin he saw Diefenbaker approaching.
That was odd - he'd left Dief at the cabin with Ray. Was something wrong?
Had something happened to Ray? he hurried toward the wolf. 

Dief jumped up and down when he saw his human friend. "Where's Ray?"
Ben asked the animal. Dief barked again. "Where - is - Ray?" he asked
again, more slowly. This time Diefenbaker turned and started running
back the way he had come. Ben ran after him, his heart in his throat.
What could have happened to Ray?

Fear turned to relief when he saw his partner approaching, making his
way carefully through the snow. "Ray!" he called out. The other man looked
up at him and smiled. Ben ran the rest of the way and grabbed his lover
in a fierce embrace. "I'm sorry," he whispered. 

"Sorry? For what?" Ray asked in amusement.

Ben couldn't even remember what they'd been fighting about. "For whatever
I did to make you angry at me," he finally answered.

"Ah, forget it. It was my fault anyway." He finally extricated himself
from Fraser's arms. "Hey, I was worried about ya. You were gone a long
time."

"I was worried about *you.* I saw Diefenbaker but I didn't see you anywhere.
I was afraid something had happened to you."

Ray looked down at the half-wolf. "You were worried because the mutt
got ahead of me? He can move faster than I can in this stuff," Ray said,
indicating the snow around them. 

"Ray, whatever you were upset about ... "

"I said forget it. It's in the past, okay?" He looked into Fraser's eyes.
"Are you okay?" he asked. 

"Yes. I'm okay," his partner answered.

"Good." Ray held out his hand. "Come on. I'm taking you home."

----------------------------------------------------------------
                                
Take my hand
                            
I'm taking you home
                                
Oh this love
                     
Is like nothing I have ever known
                                 
Oh no baby
                                
Take my hand, love
                            
I'm taking you home
                            
I'm taking you home
-----------------------------------