Dinner for two was all set to go. They'd eat, talk, perhaps even dance a little. He checked his watch. 7:59. That meant Fraser would be there . . . . [knocking], right now.
"Hey Fraser. Come on in. Happy birthday!"
"Thank you, Ray." Fraser smiled, warm and bright. He was in a playful mood it seemed, like Dief on several donuts. One hand was in his pocket fingering something.
"Watch'a got there?"
"A present. Mrs. Vecchio passed it on."
"Oh. Okay." His smile was impossibly brighter. Ray was mesmerized by the twinkle in Fraser's blue eyes. It must be for him. Just another hint that everything would go well.
Half an hour later, they had finished dinner. Ray turned on the radio for some music. A breathtaking voice was singing, "I won't fear love."
He wouldn't any longer. Three. .. two. . . one.
He pressed his lips against Fraser's. Soft, sweet and slightly chapped, they were unresponsive, but he didn't notice until Fraser pulled away. "I love you." He smiled and looked directly into Fraser's eyes, wanting that connection.
Fraser was not smiling. In fact, he was frowning, one thumb rubbing his eyebrow as he took another step backward. "Oh dear."
"What the-"
"I'm afraid there's been a mis-"
"No. No fucking way, Fraser."
"Ray, I'm sorry."
"No. I'm not buying it. You love me. I know you do."
"I'm sorry, Ray. I-"
"Stop saying that!" His head was spinning. Fraser didn't love him. Fraser . . . didn't . . . love . . . him. Somehow the words just kept reverberating around in his head as he paced back and forth.
"Ray-"
"Tell me you don't love me." He stopped pacing for a moment, positive that Fraser was just nervous, or shy, or . .. something. Something.
"I don't love you that way."
He was pacing again. That way. That way. He doesn't love me that way. "You're not gay? I've seen every women we meet throw herself at you and the only thing I've ever seen you do is FLINCH!" He stopped again going from 60 to 0 in a second. "So you're not into guys either? What are you into?!"
"I didn't say that either." Fraser stammered. He was rubbing his eyebrow and the tip of his tongue was peeking out across his lips again. Ray had to shake his head and almost physically pull his eyes away from the enthralling sight. As embarrassed as he was, the realization that his feelings weren't returned hadn't quite sunk in yet. Right now, it was like a weird game of twenty questions.
"Okay now, let me see if I've got this right." he said, half sarcastically. "You aren't into women, but you are into men, just not me." When Fraser didn't answer he looked him right in the eye and repeated himself. "Have I got it now?"
"Um, not quite."
"Well, then why don't you just explain it to me now?" Fraser looked a bit cornered as he stepped forward with each word until Fraser was backed against the wall, literally.
"I do find you attractive. That is to say your features are well within the commonly accepted ranges for aesthetic appreciation and your hair-"
He was detached enough to feel like he was missing something.
So if Fraser was attracted to him then "What the hell
is your problem then?"
"I'm already in a committed relationship with someone I love very much."
"Who?"
"I'd rather not say right now."
Damn him! "Who, Fraser!"
"Ray Vecchio."
Ray. Vecchio. Ray Vecchio. It was almost like he was trying the words on. They had their own little rhythm. Benton Fraser loves Ray Vecchio. And it made him angry where until now he'd been annoyed. "You know what you are Fraser? You're a tease. A fucking tease." The adrenaline running through him was vaguely intoxicating. "A prick tease."
"I know you're angry Ray but if you'd just let me explain-"
"You like to tease people. Give them just enough to want more than you're off onto the next thing. I read about what you did. From his own files too."
There was a dangerous catch in Fraser's expression but he bulldozed on. "You tell me you love him but you were all set to run away with Victoria until he shot you. Is that what I have to do? Is it? Do I have to shoot you to get a chance?"
"Don't go there Ray. I'm not going to stay here and listen to you on something that's none of your concern. What happened is between Ray and myself."
"Hah! I am Ray." He couldn't shut himself up now.
"I'm leaving, Ray."
"Go then. Leave. Just leave and don't come back. Don't ever come back."
"As you wish." And he was gone.
With an angry sweep Ray knocked the plates of the table. "Fuck!" he slumped into a chair as his body deflated. "Why did I do that? Why?! I'm such an idiot!"
It was several hours before he calmed down enough to realize what he'd done. At least two more hours passed before he gathered nerve enough to call and apologize.
"Canadian Consulate, Constable Fraser. How may I help you?"
He opened his mouth only to close it again. What could he say to get Fraser to understand? To forgive?
"Hello? Is someone there?"
"Frase, it's me." He gulped anxiously.
"Ray?"
"Yeah."
Neither of them spoke for several minutes then they spoke simultaneously. "I'm sorry."
Ray laughed nervously. "It's not your fault Fraser. I messed up."
"Ray, It's not you."
"Don't-" He bit the words of. "Please don't. It's okay. I understand. I'll just pick you up tomorrow and we'll just pretend that tonight never happened, okay?"
"Is that what you want Ray?"
No, you're what I want. "Yeah Fraser, it's what I want."
"All right."
"Bye." He put the phone down.
How's it gonna be?
How's It Gonna Be? -- Third Eye Blind
I'm only pretty sure
That I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder
What are we fighting for?
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this,
I wonder
Is there anything I'm gonna miss?
I wonder
How's it gonna be
When you don't know me?
How's it gonna be
When you're sure I'm not there?
How's it gonna be
When there's no one there to talk to
Between you & me
How's it gonna be?
'Cause I don't care
How's it gonna be?
How's it gonna be?
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like the hammocks and the doorways we spent time in
Swings empty
I don't see lightening like last fall
When it was always about to hit me
I wonder
How's it gonna be
When it goes down?
How's it gonna be
When your not around?
How's it gonna be
When you find out
There was nothing
Between you & me?
'Cause i don't care
How's it gonna be?
How's it gonna be
When you don't know me anymore?
How's it gonna be?
Wanna get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
I wanna taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion
Oblivion
How's it gonna be
When you don't know me anymore?
How's it gonna be?
How's it gonna be?
How's it gonna be?