Ben
He heard the door of the interrogation room click shut behind him relieved to be alone, for a while at least. He went to sit at the table leaning his forearms on it, staring at his clasped hands. How could he have done something so self-destructive, and so incredibly stupid? Even the fiasco with Victoria seemed to pale beside this, although he acknowledged that that might be a matter of perspective. He pressed his hands to his eyes, but couldn't block out the memories. When had it started, the sequence of events that led to this disaster?
With Victoria? Or, perhaps even further back, with the early death of his mother, the frequent absences of his father, a man not given to emotional openness in any case? Or perhaps it was living with his grandparents. They'd given him an education that could not have been bettered, but had left a lonely child to his own devices, and moved so often that he'd never had a chance to make the kind of friendships that would have helped him develop emotionally.
He knew he had problems with relationships... Victoria had taught him that, if nothing else. How else could he explain falling in love with a woman who was a criminal, who hated and loved him in equal measure, who had done her best to destroy his life? And then Meg. Attractive, intelligent, surprisingly sensitive when she let her guard down. His superior officer. Perhaps that had been deliberate... he'd chosen a woman who should have been untouchable. Perhaps he just hadn't been ready to let himself get involved again so soon after Victoria.
Whatever his reason for starting the relationship, that had ended too. She'd suggested that they both transfer to Ottawa, or some other Canadian city where they could work in separate areas and the inequality in rank wouldn't be so important. He could still remember the look on her face when he said that it wouldn't make any difference, that he couldn't get past the issues it raised. She'd obviously thought it was some male thing, that he couldn't cope with the idea of his lover holding a higher rank. But it hadn't been that at all.
It was ironic really. He laughed without humour and dropped his hands back to the table. His fingers tightened until cramp threatened, the small pain helping to concentrate his mind. He'd never had any real problem with her rank. If he'd agreed to the transfer it could have worked. But he'd realised he didn't want to leave Chicago, not even for Meg. He really belonged in the Territories, the last time he'd tried to leave had been a disaster. Only one thing had made it work here in Chicago. One person. And he couldn't leave that person. Not for Meg, not for anyone.
Ray. He'd been trying not to think about Ray. Trying not to think about what this was going to do to Ray. He stood up and began to pace. Yes, it was very ironic. The one person who'd made it impossible for him to leave would also be the one person who would never be able to forgive him for this.
He'd been shocked at first to find himself thinking about Ray like that... he'd tried to deny what he was really feeling. He'd never had such a close friend, how could he have known that what he felt was much more than friendship? Eventually, inevitably, it became impossible to deny it any longer, not when he started waking from dreams which were quite explicit about what he really wanted from Ray. From Ray Vecchio, Catholic, cop, and, in his experience, more than a little homophobic.
Most of the time, he'd been able to deal with this unexpected situation. He'd simply repressed all those feelings when Ray was around. He was good at that. He'd told himself that it was enough to have Ray's friendship. Most of the time, it was. But sometimes, when he was tired, or when the loneliness got too much, he needed more than Ray's friendship.
The first time he'd gone to a gay bar, he'd been terrified. He hadn't gone looking for a pickup. Of course he knew that for some people, sex without any emotional commitment was perfectly acceptable. He wasn't one of those people. He'd just wanted to be with people who wouldn't be shocked or disgusted by his feelings for Ray. To his surprise, he'd even made a few friends, ordinary men who were interesting to talk to and who respected his principles.
Passing close to the one-way mirror, he suddenly had the feeling that Ray was nearby. He couldn't remember when that had started, he'd just gradually realised that he could tell when Ray was close, even if he couldn't see him. He felt that now. He went to the mirror, his eyes straining uselessly to see to the other side.
"Ray?" He waited, but there was no response, so he lifted his right hand and pressed his fingers to the glass, trying to reach him, convinced he was there.
He'd been so careful never to go to a bar in the 27th Precinct area. How could he have anticipated this? A drugs bust, somebody had told him. They'd called in officers from the 27th to bolster their numbers, and of course he'd been recognised. At least Ray hadn't been there to see him led away in handcuffs, but he'd soon know about it. If he didn't already. He closed his eyes, afraid of what he might be giving away to the watcher in the next room. His heart was pounding.
The sound of the door opening made him turn. It was Lt Welsh, alone. He went back to the table and sat. He hadn't broken any laws, he'd just been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sooner or later, they'd have to let him go.
Half an hour later, it was over, for the moment. No charges had been laid. He was free. He followed Welsh out to the main hallway, they hadn't said a word that wasn't strictly business. He'd wanted to ask about Ray, but it was better not to. He knew what would happen to Ray now. Guilt by association, it was called. People would wonder how much Ray had known, would wonder if he was gay too. There would be comments, teasing remarks, cruel practical jokes. Probably, knowing Ray, there would be fights. There was nothing he could do about any of it.
He went outside, into the night.
Ray
He'd been on duty when the first group had been brought in. Another load of paperwork for nothing, he'd thought, glad he hadn't been involved this time.
A little while later he'd realised something was going down. There was something in the air, a kind of excitement. Maybe they'd got something important after all. Then he realised that some of the other officers were staring. At him.
He grabbed Elaine as she went past. She looked upset, shocked.
"What's going on, Elaine?"
Her eyes widened as she looked at him, then she blurted out "Fraser's been arrested!"
"Again? What's he done this time?" Then it registered. "With them? You're crazy, it must be someone who looks like him."
She shook her head. "He's already been ID'ed. Lt Welsh is going to interview him."
He headed for the interview room at a run, but when he got there he couldn't bring himself to go in. He couldn't stand there in the hallway either, Welsh could be along at any time, so he ducked into the observation room.
It was Benny in there, but he'd already accepted that, unbelievable as it seemed. Even though he was sitting at the table with his hands over his eyes, Ray could not have mistaken him for anybody else. He was wearing his leather jacket over a T-shirt and jeans, nothing unusual about that, but suddenly it seemed like a badge. How could he have missed it? He cast his mind back over the time he'd known Benny. Surely there must have been other signs, but he couldn't think of any... what did that say about him?
The sound of a laugh brought his attention back to the other room. Benny had dropped his hands to the table, his face was mask-like, his lips a tight line. He was staring at hands clasped so tightly his knuckles had whitened. Then Benny got up and began to pace back and forth.
Ray decided to wait for Welsh's arrival, he had to know if Benny had any explanation for being in that bar, even though he was sure there was none. Benny turned suddenly, coming towards the mirror, staring as though he could see through it.
"Ray."
He jumped, Benny couldn't possibly know he was there. He didn't answer, but found himself staring into Benny's blue eyes. Benny lifted his hand and touched his fingers to the mirror, and his own hand came up but stopped short of the glass, trembling visibly. There was such longing in Benny's eyes, that he was tempted to respond, but then they closed, releasing him from the spell.
The opening of the door behind Benny was a welcome distraction. Welsh came into the room and Benny went to sit at the table. The interview didn't last long. Benny made no attempt to justify his being at a gay bar, just asserting that he had no knowledge of any drugs use there and that the people who went there were, for the most part, professional people with no criminal connections. He must have been there a lot, Ray thought, sickened.
He waited while Welsh escorted Benny out. He didn't want to risk running into them in the hallway, but five minutes later he was still in there. He knew what would be waiting for him when he got back to his desk. Nobody would say a thing about it at first, but later - tomorrow or the next day - the jokes and the sidelong looks would start. He'd never forgive Benny for this.
Ben & Ray
It had been two weeks since Ben was arrested and he hadn't seen Ray at all.
His life had narrowed to work and home, although his apartment no longer felt like home, now that Ray never came by anymore. He was too miserable to go to the bar, he hardly even noticed his neighbours anymore. He felt more alone than he'd ever been in his life. Even Dief seemed to be ignoring him.
In a fit of desperation one day, he'd used the Consulate phone to call Ray's cell phone. Ray had disconnected as soon as he'd heard Ben's voice. He didn't want to leave Chicago before he made some kind of peace with Ray, but now he was wondering how long he could live like this.
*
At the Vecchio household, Ray was equally miserable. He hadn't told any of them about Benny because he couldn't bring himself to talk about it. Now his mother was nagging him, wanting to know why he hadn't invited Benny home for dinner for so long. When Frannie joined in he started to lose his temper, then she threatened to go over and invite him herself.
"Just stay away from him, Frannie. I'm warning you!"
"Oh, yeah. Like I'm going to listen to you!"
"You'd better, or you'll be sorry!"
"You gonna make me sorry, Ray?"
"No, but he will. He's not who you think he is."
"Oh, sure, he's probably a drug smuggler, or something!" Her jeering was the last straw.
"No, he's a fucking queer, that's what he is! Just stay away from him."
There was a stunned silence and then a correspondingly loud chorus of disbelief. So he ended by telling them the whole story, after all.
*
"Raimondo?"
"Yeah, Ma?" It was late and he couldn't sleep. Again. So he'd sneaked downstairs to raid the fridge. If he didn't watch out, he'd be getting fat.
"I thought Benton was your friend, caro."
"Not anymore."
"He cannot help the way he is."
He hadn't expected that, especially from her. But it didn't help. Benny had betrayed him. He didn't know how exactly, but it was true all the same.
"He could've told me. But, no, I had to find out in front of the whole precinct. Now they all think I'm like him."
"But you know that you are not. That is what matters, no?"
He walked out of the kitchen, leaving her question unanswered.
*
Nobody turned a hair when the Riv screeched to a halt outside Ben's apartment building and Ray jumped out and stormed inside. He went up the stairs at a run and down the hallway to apartment 3J, shoving the door open so hard it slammed back from the wall and he had to catch it before it rebounded off his face.
Ben was standing at the kitchen sink in his uniform pants and undershirt, washing dishes, when Ray pounced on him, fists pounding at his face and chest. He drove Ben back across the room until Ben tripped on the edge of the rug and fell. Without a second thought, Ray drew back his foot and kicked him in the side. Hard. It made a sickening thud.
Ray staggered back. The sudden silence in the room made him realise that he'd been shouting, but he had no idea what he'd said. He didn't want to know. Ben was still curled in a foetal position, his arms wrapped around his chest. Ray was horrified by what he'd done. He'd never kicked someone who was down. Never. No matter what Benny had done, he hadn't deserved that.
He knelt beside Ben and tried to straighten him out, but couldn't budge him. He stayed there, one hand on Ben's bare arm, listening to the shuddering breaths and realising gradually that the only pain he was feeling was in his hands. He couldn't remember Benny throwing any return punches or even trying to fend off the ones Ray had aimed at him. He managed to roll Ben over onto his back as a knock came on the door.
"Fraser! You need any help?"
Ben managed to gasp out "No. I'm fine, Mr Mustafi."
They listened to the footsteps moving away. Ray found he still had some anger left.
"Are you crazy? I just tried to kill you. What if I decide to finish you off?"
A tiny shrug brought with it a smothered gasp of pain and Ray forgot about it again. He had the uncomfortable feeling that if he'd wanted to continue beating him, Benny would have allowed it. He got an arm under Ben's shoulders and got him first to a sitting position, then to his feet. Ben's knees promptly buckled, but Ray managed to half walk, half drag him to the bed and lay him on it.
Ben looked bad. Ray began to think about calling for an ambulance and got out his cell phone, but Ben knocked it out of his hand.
"No. I'll be alright."
"You don't look alright."
"I said no!"
"Well at least let me clean you up."
"I'm bleeding. Aren't you afraid of catching AIDS?"
The whole room seemed to shift, leaving Ray's head spinning dizzily. Benny's got AIDS, he's going to die, was all he could think. Ben misinterpreted his sudden pallor.
"Oh, for God's sake, Ray. I haven't got AIDS, you're quite safe. Just get out, will you?"
Ray stumbled across the room to the kitchen, got a towel and wet it under the tap, then went back to the bed. He began to wipe the blood away from a cut over Ben's eye and from his nose. That just exposed more developing bruises. Ben ignored him, his eyes tightly closed. He fetched the first aid kit and put a band aid on the cut. What was really worrying him were the shallow, painful breaths that Ben was taking. He slid the suspenders off Ben's shoulders and pulled the singlet up. There was a huge, dark red mark on Ben's left side. Surely his ribs must be broken. He reached for the cell phone again.
"Ray, unless you want to be charged with assault, I suggest you forget about calling the hospital. I'll be alright. My ribs aren't broken, cracked perhaps, but not broken."
"OK, OK!" Silence. Then... "I'm sorry, Benny."
Ben's eyes opened a fraction, he hadn't noticed before that Ray had a bruise on his cheek and a split lip. He managed to stop himself reaching up to touch the abused cheek. "You've been fighting at work, I suppose."
"You suppose right."
"I'm sorry too, Ray."
All the pain and misery of the last two weeks welled up in Ray. The words almost burst out of him. "Why didn't you tell me dammit, Benny? How do you think it felt, to find out like that? You're supposed to be my best friend and I didn't even know you're..." He hesitated on the word, not sure which he could use in front of Ben.
"Queer? Bent? A pervert? Why do you think, Ray? You can't even say the word."
"Alright, why didn't you tell me you're gay? Happy now?"
"Not especially." Silence.
Then Ben sighed. "I wasn't, when we first met... or maybe I was... but I didn't know... it's not something you can easily tell someone, Ray. Especially if you have reason to think they don't like gays."
Ray remembered a few of the things he'd said in front of Ben, he flushed uncomfortably. "It's just talk, it doesn't mean anything, not really..."
Ben didn't say anything, he didn't really need to.
"Alright, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have said those things, but I had no idea... I mean there was Victoria... and the Dragon Lady, I thought you were... well, you know." He thought about what Benny had said. "When did you find out? You could've told me then."
"Believe me, Ray, I couldn't."
"Did you fall for a guy, or something? The women you dated, I could understand that..." Ray grinned, feeling as though, somehow, they could get their friendship back again, now.
"Something like that..." Ben shifted fretfully. "I'd like to rest now, if you don't mind, Ray."
"Sure. I'll look in on you tomorrow, OK?"
"Thanks, Ray."
Ben listened to Ray's footsteps going down the hallway. He'd thought he wanted Ray's friendship back, but now he realised it would never work. Ray would want to know all about his friends, might even want to meet them. And when he did, he'd soon find out that there was no man in his life, that there never had been any man. How long would it take for him to work it out? Not very long, Ben was sure. The whole situation was impossible. He'd apply for a transfer in the morning.
Ben rolled onto his side and drew his knees up. The movement sent stabbing pains through his chest and he wrapped his arms around himself again, telling himself that the tears in his eyes were caused by the pain. He didn't hear Ray come back into the apartment, just looked up and saw him by the bed, a foil strip of pills in his hand. "I thought you might need... Benny?"
Ray knelt beside the bed so they were face to face. After a slight hesitation, he reached out to touch Ben's bruised face. Ben closed his eyes but that didn't stop the tears leaking out, so Ray gently wiped them away, feeling completely lousy. He stroked the ruffled hair lightly, remembering times when he'd been sick as a kid, and his mother had done this for him.
"Ray?"
"Yeah, Benny?"
"I did fall in love..." Ben took a ragged breath and let it out again. "He's not gay. He doesn't know, and I can't tell him."
"Jeez, Benny! Do I know him?"
"Yes, Ray." Ben just looked at him. Suddenly Ray realised what his friend was trying to tell him. His hand jerked away and he leaned back, his heart pounding in shock. Ben watched silently, his face full of pain.
Ray was standing again, with no memory of having moved. "I gotta go, Benny. I gotta think about this..."
At the door he glanced back at the figure huddled on the bed. He felt bad, but he couldn't deal with this. Not yet.
*
It was 3am when Ray came back, slipping silently into the apartment and crossing to the bed. Ben was asleep, the bruises on his face clear, even in the moonlight. Ray hesitated, he hadn't been able to sleep or eat since
Ben's announcement. Hell, he hadn't been able to think either, at least not coherently. That was why he'd come back. He needed to talk to Ben. At 3am. He must be mad.
He sat on the edge of the bed, staring at Ben.
"Ray? What are you doing here?"
"I couldn't sleep, Benny. I can't stop thinking about this... I don't know what to do."
"You think I do?"
"Well at least you're gay... I've never even kissed a guy."
"Neither have I, Ray."
It threw him for a moment. He hadn't even considered that. "Well how do you know then? How can you be gay, if you've never..." He didn't want to say it.
"I know, Ray."
But Ray wasn't listening. He thought he'd seen a way out of this mess and he wasn't giving it up that easily. "But how do you know? I mean, you don't suddenly wake up one morning and decide you're gay and you want sleep with your best friend. Do you?"
"Well, actually, Ray, that's exactly what happened."
"You're kidding me!"
"I was having dreams, Ray. Very explicit dreams. Do you want me to tell you about them?"
"No!" All the same, he couldn't help wondering.
*
Ben saw the look on Ray's face, that sort of half disgusted, half fascinated look. He had a pretty good idea what it meant. He couldn't stand this, better just to end it. He reached up and grabbed the front of Ray's shirt, ignoring the pain in his chest, and pulled him down into a long, hard kiss. He had no idea how Ray would react. Hit him, maybe. Pull away in disgust. He didn't expect those full lips to open against his, allowing his tongue entry to the warm mouth.
Ray pulled back, his eyes wide. "No. I am not doing this..." But he was doing it. And then he was doing it again.
*
They kissed, adrift in the sensations of it, content for the moment with this, afraid of going further. Ray was stroking Ben's arm lightly, enjoying the silky feel of skin over hard muscle. Ben reached up and started to unbutton his shirt. When it was free, he slid it off Ray's shoulders, his fingers slipping lightly down Ray's wiry arms.
"Benny..."
"It's OK, I just want to touch you."
They were both tired, and shivering now in the cool air, but Ray didn't want to leave. He didn't know where this was going to go, but he knew he had to find out. Finally Ben yawned uncontrollably.
"I'd better go..."
"No, stay here, you can sleep with me, there's room." Ben turned on his side, cautiously. Still doubtful, not willing to get undressed, Ray slipped into the bed and leaned into Ben's back, putting his arm carefully around his waist. The warmth of their bodies removed the last barriers. He fell asleep.
*
Ben woke to a feeling of disorientation, remembering the events of yesterday, not understanding why there was a warm body lying against his back. Then he remembered. It hadn't been a dream, after all. Incredibly, Ray was sleeping in his bed. There was an insistent pressure against the back of his thigh which he identified, after a moment, with a smile. It was very early, not even dawn. He turned carefully, not only because of his sore ribs. Ray woke anyway, and lay there looking at him, his eyes showing his uncertainty. He hadn't expected anything more. There were still no guarantees, just hope.
This time he could touch the bruise on Ray's cheek, and the swollen lower lip as it trembled into a smile. He waited for Ray to initiate the first kiss. He didn't have to wait long. As they had last night, they kissed and touched, stroking each other's arms, the only bare skin available. When he thought Ray was ready, Ben reached down and pulled Ray's undershirt up his back, stroking along his spine, not going too low. Ray accepted this with a little shudder and a sigh, moving his lips to the hollow at the base of Ben's throat and kissing him there.
Encouraged, Ben slid the undershirt up over Ray's head and tossed it aside. Ray had drawn back from him to allow this, now he stayed there as Ben's hand tentatively explored his bare chest, stroking the fine hairs, circling a nipple with one fingertip. After a long time Ben moved his head to press a warm kiss against Ray's chest, his lips drifted to a nipple, and brushed against it, sending a tremor through Ray's body. A hand stroked his cheek as he sucked gently, his tongue caressing the tip occasionally. He wanted just to stay there forever, warm and sensual and loving.
As if from a distance, he felt Ray lifting up his undershirt, peeling it off his body and sliding his hands underneath. He touched a sore spot accidentally and Ben gasped.
"Sorry, Benny..."
"It's OK. Here..." He helped Ray to take the undershirt off and then Ray was kissing him. Touching him. It felt so good, but he didn't let go his control. He didn't want to frighten Ray by going too fast.
The alarm went off, jolting them both into the reality of their day to day lives... they both had jobs to go to. Just sitting up was an effort for Ben and it didn't need much persuasion from Ray to convince him to stay home. Ray, however, was determined to go. It was probably just as well. Ben let himself drift into sleep, remembering the interrupted pleasures they'd shared.
*
Entering the precinct building, it hit him like a blow. He, Ray Vecchio, who prided himself, however unconvincingly, on being a ladies' man, had just spent the night with another man, kissing and touching each other in ways he'd never wanted to think about. At least they hadn't been naked. He stalked over to his desk, ignoring the looks from the other staff, half believing they knew what had happened. The sound of sniggering behind him a few minutes later sent him over the edge.
"Alright! I'm only going to say this once, so shut up and listen! If Frasier wants to sleep with men, that's got nothing to do with me. There's no law against it and if you can't handle it, that's your problem not mine! If any of you had sex lives of your own, you wouldn't be so interested in his. And I don't wanna hear any more about it!"
He sat down, missing the open mouth stares of two detectives who'd been sharing a dirty joke that had had nothing whatever to do with the Mountie...
*
When he heard about Ray's outburst, Lt Welsh called him into the office.
"What's going on, Vecchio?"
"Just clearing the air, sir"
Welsh waited, staring at the bruise on his face until Ray started squirming in his seat.
"I don't want any more trouble. I suppose you got that walking into a door, did you?"
"Tripped over a filing cabinet, sir!"
"There's been quite an outbreak of clumsiness in this office lately. I want it stopped."
"I've got no problem with that, sir."
"You look like shit. Go home."
*
He didn't go home. Ma would be there, there would be questions. He'd avoided them this morning, sneaking into the house before anyone realised he'd been out all night. He couldn't face them now. He'd go to Benny's, he decided, trying not to feel a thrill of guilty anticipation.
*
Benny was still asleep. He stood there, his heart trying to beat its way out of his body. He couldn't take this, he had to decide, now, for once and all...
He took a deep breath and swallowed hard. Then he began to unbutton his shirt with shaking hands. He undressed slowly, laying each garment aside carefully, knowing he'd have to wear them later and that he couldn't afford to make anyone suspicious. He was struggling with his belt buckle when Ben moved.
"Ray? What are you doing here now?"
"Welsh told me to go home. I figured I'd come here instead." His zipper was stuck, or maybe it was the way his hands were shaking. He didn't want to look up and meet Ben's eyes.
"You don't have to do this, Ray."
"That's what you think." The zipper finally came free, but suddenly he didn't want to let his pants drop. Not with Benny watching him like that. He took another deep breath, but it didn't make him feel any better. "I want to get this over with, Benny. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't like it. Maybe once I know, I can decide..." he stopped. He wasn't being very fair on Benny, he realised.
But Ben just looked at him with those blue eyes and shifted over in the bed to make room for him. He let the pants drop to the floor. To hell with worrying about what other people might think, he didn't even know what he thought. He hooked his fingers inside the top of his briefs and yanked them down, stepped out of them and stood there, letting Ben look at him, feeling aroused just because Ben was looking at him. Then he went over to the bed and, lifting up the covers, slid inside.
It was painfully awkward. Too much emotion, too little sleep and it didn't help Ray that now he could actually see what was happening. It had been easier in the dark. Finally Ben had the sense just to hold him until they both calmed down a bit.
They kissed, taking their time, re-establishing the sensuality of the night. Ben was being very careful, not taking it any further than before, keeping his hands well above Ray's waist even while he felt the stirring of Ray's cock against his hip. But finally Ray needed more, he took Ben's hand and guided it down between their bodies, holding it against his cock. Ben stroked the shaft gently until Ray's soft moaning told him to proceed. He wrapped his fingers around the cock and squeezed, drawing it through his grip in an insistent rhythm. Ray shuddered, arcing his body, pushing himself into Ben's hand and hip. Ben's lips were sucking urgently at his nipples, first one then the other until the sensations overwhelmed him.
Belatedly, Ray realised that he'd given nothing back to Ben. He pushed himself up on one elbow and looked at Ben's face, seeing the tiredness, the pain, and other emotions he couldn't identify. Ben looked back at him, smiling a little, but not looking very happy. He kissed the pale face and lay down again letting his hand slide down over Ben's chest. He found the button on the shorts and released it, followed the line of hair downwards. He could feel Ben's cock, right beside his hand, but it took a conscious decision for him to move his hand.
He was actually touching another man's cock. It shouldn't have surprised him that it felt so much like his own, but it did... Ray closed his eyes and tried to pretend he was touching himself. He felt the tremors running through Ben's body, then it was all over, before he even had time to adjust to the idea of what he'd done.
*
Nobody knew that he was seeing Benny again. He couldn't talk to anyone about it, because he was afraid that he'd end up telling them everything, and he'd rather die than do that.
He loved Benny. He had no problem with that. He'd loved Benny for a long time, only you didn't ever admit that about another man, you just joked, and hung around together, and if there was trouble, you stood by him. He'd been satisfied with that, hadn't needed to make it sexual. To tell the truth, he was getting increasingly annoyed that Benny had needed it. It was making his life impossible.
It wasn't that he didn't enjoy the sex, although he still felt uncomfortable about being with a man like that. And he sure wasn't going to do the stuff that Benny wanted, just using their hands was more than enough for him. Trouble was that once he'd started there was no way to back out without hurting Benny, and he didn't want to do that.
So he'd drop by the apartment twice, sometimes three times a week and they'd talk. Sometimes it felt like it used to be, other times it was awkward, but somehow, they always ended up in bed together. Hands moving urgently over aching bodies, building to mind-shattering climaxes, but afterward he always felt flat, discontented. When it was too bad, he'd make some excuse and get out of there as quickly as he could, trying not to notice Benny's reaction. Why did Benny have to go and change everything?
The apartment was empty when he got there. It had been almost a week since his last visit, otherwise he would have used it as an excuse to leave. He wandered around, touching things, too restless to sit. Of course he ended up by the bed. He sat on the edge, fidgeting nervously, looking around desperately for some kind of distraction. Then he noticed a book that had slipped down between the bed and the trunk. He picked it up, not even bothering to look at the cover and started flipping through the pages. There were pictures... pictures of men doing things that he never could have believed possible, things that sickened him. This was what Benny wanted to do to him? He'd rather die. He flung the book across the room and stumbled towards the door. He couldn't see Benny now, not with those images fresh in his mind.
*
When Ben turned on to Racine, he could see the Riv parked outside his apartment. Once, this would have made him happy, would have made him walk faster, anticipating his meeting with Ray. But things had changed, and he slowed a little, wondering what he was going to find when he got home. He was losing Ray, he knew it, both as a lover and as a friend, and he had no idea how to prevent it.
He would willingly have given up being Ray's lover to save their friendship, he'd stopped initiating sex weeks ago, but it still happened every time Ray came to see him. He'd thought that if he stopped encouraging Ray, the sexual side of their relationship would die away. But Ray seemed to need it, even though Ben could see his disgust and self hatred when they made love. If you could call what they did making love... it was more like mutual masturbation. It wouldn't be difficult for him to give that up.
He'd tried to talk to Ray about it, but Ray refused to discuss anything to do with sex. After Ray's last visit he'd even gone to a bookstore and bought a gay sex manual, hoping he could use it to get Ray talking. He'd been so embarrassed he'd just grabbed the first one he'd seen, taken it to the counter and paid for it without even looking at it. When he'd got home and looked through it he'd been horrified. Some of the acts depicted had disgusted him. He'd thrown it away wondering if Ray hadn't been right after all. But he couldn't imagine the men he'd met at the bar doing things like that.
He climbed the stairs reluctantly, in no hurry to face whatever awaited him in the apartment. He opened the door to see Ray stumbling toward him, his face shocked and white.
*
Ray saw Ben and immediately his disgust turned to rage, but he couldn't go near him. Even the thought of touching him made him feel sick.
"Ray, what's wrong?" Ben went toward Ray his hand reaching out to him.
Ray backed away. "Don't touch me!"
Ben stopped. Ray went to pass him, leaving, and Ben moved to stand in his way. "Please, Ray. Talk to me."
Ray started screaming at him, shouting abuse and obscenities Ben could hardly understand. For a while he thought Ray might even attack him as he had before. He tried to calm Ray, his mind reeling with shock, at a complete loss to explain this behaviour until he saw the book lying on the floor. Ray stopped shouting when he saw the look on Ben's face.
"Is that what you want from me, what's in there? It's sick! You're sick, Frasier! I don't ever want to see you again."
Ray walked out, ignoring Ben's desperate pleas for them to talk.
It was over.
He'd always known it could end badly. He'd never imagined anything like this.
*
He didn't try to contact Ray, but to his own surprise, he couldn't bring himself to leave Chicago. He had no hope at all that he could save their friendship. He didn't even know why he stayed. But he couldn't leave.
*
He just wanted to forget what had happened with Benny. He wasn't like that, he didn't want to be like that. He went through the motions, going to work, trying to get Louise to go out with him again. Well, maybe not trying quite as hard as he could. A part of him was afraid that if she got too close she'd somehow know what he'd done.
When he'd calmed down that day, he'd realised that Benny would never have gone for that stuff. But it was too late then, and besides, he knew he couldn't go on with things the way they were. If he went back, it would only make it harder to leave again later.
It was early afternoon when the call came in. A bank robbery turned hostage situation. Ray got there as the road blocks were being set up, Lt Welsh and Huey weren't far behind him. Then the SWAT team arrived. Ray hated these situations, the tension in the air made it hard to think straight and the knowledge that any mistake could be fatal made it difficult to make any decision, let alone a split second one. Negotiations had started now, Ray ignored that, concentrating his attention on the bank, trying for a view of the hostages and the robbers.
A few feet away, Huey swore under his breath. "What the hell's he doing here?"
Ray followed his stare, seeing a glimpse of red, surrounded by suits and SWAT uniforms. He wasn't sure, even then, until someone moved and he saw the Stetson. The group broke up and Lt Welsh went over to the negotiator, followed by Ben. Another conference, then the other man began talking into his cell phone. Welsh came towards Ray and Huey, Ben followed part of the way then stopped, waiting behind the cover of a police van.
"What's Fraser doing here, sir?" Ray let Huey do the asking.
"One of the bank robbers knows him. There's a pregnant woman in there about to give birth and the Mountie's going to try and get her out."
"Is he crazy?" Ray hadn't meant to speak, it just came out.
Lt Welsh looked at him impatiently. "Apparently so. You want to talk to him? You'd better hurry."
"No. I don't wanna talk to him." But Ray's eyes went back to the tall straight figure.
Ben was looking the other way, back toward the negotiator, who suddenly lifted his hand. Ben swept off the Stetson, placing it on the hood of the car beside him, and slipped between the two vehicles moving quickly across the open space in front of the bank. Just outside the door, he stopped, waiting. The door opened and he went inside. Ray unclenched his hand from the door handle he'd unconsciously grasped. If Benny had a death wish, that wasn't his problem.
Half an hour later, the door opened again and two women, one heavily pregnant, the other supporting her, came out. There was no sign of Ben. It didn't take long for the word to be passed along. The Mountie had offered himself as a hostage in exchange for the two women.
Hours passed. Negotiations continued through the cell phone. It was getting to that danger period where tension and boredom combined to make everyone jumpy. And trigger happy. Then as the light began to dim something changed, all around the perimeter sharpshooters were preparing themselves. The bank robbers had agreed to give themselves up. Ray found himself wiping away sweat from his forehead, his heart pounding. In spite of the apparent surrender, this would be the most dangerous point in the whole exercise.
After what seemed like an interminable wait, the bank's door opened and one of the robbers came out, his arm around Ben's throat, a gun held to his head. Bens' hands were tied together in front of him. They advanced cautiously a few feet then stopped.
"They want you all to put down your weapons." Ben's voice was clear and strong.
The negotiator lifted his loudspeaker. "You know we can't do that."
"I'm aware of that, sir."
The robber yelled out in a voice crackling with tension. "Do it or I'll shoot him right now."
Ray could see his finger tightening on the trigger, maybe someone else did too. A single shot rang out from behind the police line and all hell broke loose. As if in slow motion, he saw the trigger pulled back and released as Ben twisted in his captor's grasp. Ben dropped like a stone as a volley of shots rang out, several of them hitting the bank robber. He fell beside Ben. It took all Ray's training to stay behind the car, his gun ready. He couldn't see Ben moving at all.
In the silence afterwards, the sound of the cell phone ringing seemed abnormally loud. A few minutes later it was all over, the remaining two men came out, weaponless. Almost before they'd been surrounded, Ray was over the hood of the car, racing towards Ben's motionless body.
He dropped to his knees beside Ben. There was blood all over his face, he couldn't tell how bad it was. Then Ben stirred, one dazed blue eye opening, the other was covered in blood. Ray slid his arm under Ben's shoulders lifting him to hold him against his chest until the paramedics arrived. A quick examination showed a graze on his temple, deep and bloody, but not dangerous. Holding a gauze pad to the wound, they got Ben to his feet and helped him walk to the ambulance, with Ray trailing behind.
Ray hung around, ignoring everything else that was happening, while Ben's wound was properly dressed and the cords on his wrists were cut off, revealing bloody welts beneath. While his wrists were being bandaged, Ben seemed to revive a little. Enough to start arguing that he didn't need to go to the hospital. Finally the paramedics agreed, on the condition that someone stayed with him overnight. That silenced him.
"I'll keep an eye on him." Ray could hardly recognise his own voice, and Ben looked up sharply, then paled even further. He didn't say anything, though, so when the paramedics had finished, Ray helped him to his feet again and steered him in the direction of the Riv.
They were almost there when Lt Welsh seemed to appear out of nowhere.
"That was an extremely foolish thing to do, Constable. If one of my men had done that, I'd have put him on desk duty for a month."
Ben said nothing. Welsh grunted and turned to go. "By the way, she had a girl."
"Thank you kindly, sir." Ben's voice was shaky. Ray tightened his grip on Ben's arm and got him to the Riv as fast as he could.
They didn't speak on the drive and Ray realised that they had not spoken to each other at all. Ben was weaving on his feet when he got out of the car and accepted Ray's support up the stairs and into the apartment. Ray guided him over to the bed and sat him on the edge, then knelt down to unlace Ben's boots and pull them off. Then he just stayed there, looking up at Ben, all his pain and longing showing plainly on his face. Ben's face seemed to crumple.
"Please, Ray. Don't do this... I can't bear it..."
"I love you Benny." It was the first time he'd ever said it aloud. He'd only learnt that afternoon just how much it really meant. "I'll do anything for you, anything at all."
Ben just looked at him while tears gathered in his eyes. Ray reached up to touch his face. "I'll prove it Benny..."
He kissed Ben on the mouth, feeling Ben respond reluctantly. Ray slid a hand between them to unbutton the bloodstained red tunic, his fingers caressing as they descended, until it fell open. He buried his mouth in the hollow at the base of Ben's throat and allowed his tongue to explore its contours while he pulled the undershirt out of his jodhpurs and high up his chest. He'd almost forgotten the silken feel of that pale skin and moaned aloud with the pleasure of just touching Ben again. Desperate hands were gripping his shoulders, he could feel the tremors running from Ben's body, down his arms and into his own body, infecting him with the same need.
He was kissing Ben's chest now, letting his lips and tongue roam freely, capturing a nipple and teasing it mercilessly before moving on. He unbuttoned the jodhpurs, almost ripping them in his urgency, sliding his hand inside as soon as he'd cleared the way. Ben shuddered, swaying forward, his eyes closed, his head thrown back. Ray looked up in time to see the rippling of his throat as he swallowed and then groaned. Ray returned to his task, allowing his lips to trail downwards now, feeling the muscles of Ben's belly contact under his touch, pushing the cloth out of the way with one hand while his other drew the milky white shaft out of its confinement.
He looked at it, really looked for the first time, seeing its beauty, its responsiveness to his lightest touch. Then he bent his head and took the cock deeply into his mouth. The feel of it filling him, the touch and taste of it nearly overwhelmed him. He wanted to draw it out, to give himself time to absorb all these new sensations, but Ben didn't have that time. And this was all for Ben, another time he could think about himself, but not right now.
Ben's hands released his shoulders and Ray could feel his body tip backwards. He reached blindly to save him, then realised that Ben was leaning back, supporting himself on his arms, so he could thrust into Ray's willing mouth. It was the beginning of the end. Ben's hips pushed upwards convulsively, as he cried out Ray's name and the semen slipped down Ray's throat almost before he had a chance to register it, leaving just a lingering hint of its taste.
Ben swayed suddenly, the last of his strength gone and Ray eased him down onto the bed, lifting his legs up so he lay comfortably. His breath was coming fast, his skin sheened with sweat, but he looked a lot better than he had half an hour ago. Ray perched on the edge of the bed and admired the view, the fairness of Ben's skin was accentuated by the bright red of the tunic and the dark navy pants. He touched the softening cock and grinned when it stirred sluggishly against his fingers, tempted to take it in his mouth again.
Ben was staring up at him, still unsure. Ray leaned over him, kissing him on the mouth again, sliding his tongue inside, sharing the faint taste of their lovemaking. He undressed Ben slowly, lingering over each movement, until he lay naked and gorgeous, his cheeks flushed, his eyes drowsy with pleasure as well as exhaustion. Then Ben reached for him...
His clothes seemed almost to melt away under Ben's hands, in moments he was stretched out alongside Ben with nothing to hinder their skin-to-skin communion. Ben began to caress him, gently touching him in places he'd never been allowed to explore before. Now Ray accepted it without a murmur, even encouraged him with kisses and touches of his own.
"Benny..." Ray was shaking with the intensity of his need, wanting release, wanting things from Ben that he'd always refused in the past. He slid up the bed, offering himself, trying to make it easier for Ben. Blue eyes looked up at him doubtfully, fearful of rejection.
"Are you sure, Ray?"
His only answer was to draw Ben's head down. The first touch of Ben's lips on his cock was like an electric current coursing through his whole body. He shuddered and groaned Ben's name. Before, he'd never wanted to see Ben touch him, had always kept his eyes closed while it was happening. But now he watched as his cock was kissed and licked before being engulfed by those beautiful lips and couldn't tell which excited him more, Ben's touch, or the sight of Ben touching him like that. Soon it became academic, his mind simply shut down under the force of his climax.
Ray slid down into Ben's arms, still shaking, and gathered him into his own arms, kissing him, tasting himself on Ben's tongue. They lay pressed closely together while Ben drifted off, but Ray was too wired to sleep.
His mind kept returning to that moment when he'd seen Benny fall, he'd been sure that he was dead and he'd known in that moment what a fool he'd been. He'd let Benny go to his death without even trying to mend things between them. And what had Benny done that was so wrong anyway? Only offered his love, not something he did lightly or easily, and Ray had rejected him for it... because he'd thought it was unacceptable to love a man that way, even though he knew that he did love Benny, that he wanted to make love with him. Because he'd been afraid of the power of that love.
Well, that was over. He was still afraid of what loving Benny was going to do to him, he knew it would change his life in ways he couldn't imagine. He'd deal with that, and with the consequences of those changes when they happened. Some things were worth paying any price. He smiled against Benny's tousled hair.
*
The throbbing of his head dragged him out of sleep. He was alone in the bed, but he didn't imagine for a moment that it had been a dream. Ray had been there. Now he was gone, there was no sound in the apartment, but he raised his head and looked around anyway, wanting desperately to believe that Ray was there somewhere. He wasn't. Please, God, not again, he couldn't go through all that pain again. He pressed his face into the pillow, shutting out the world, denying the grief even as it overwhelmed him.
*
The sound of the door clicking gently made him look up, his head spinning dizzily. Ray was sidling into the apartment, his arms full of brown paper bags, a silly smile on his face. The smile disappeared fast when he caught sight of Ben's strained face. He dumped the bags on the counter and came over to the bed, pulled Ben into his arms and held him tightly.
"I'm sorry, Benny, I thought I'd be back before you woke up. I took your tunic and my jacket to the drycleaners. They think they can get all the stains out. Then I thought I'd better get us some food, I know what your fridge is like. I didn't realise I'd taken so long." He rambled on, detailing his purchases, giving Ben time to recover. It worked, Ben pushed away from him and lifted a finger to his lips to silence him, then replaced the finger with his own lips. When they separated, "I love you Benny. I'm going to make it up to you, all of it. I promise. No matter how long it takes."
Ben looked at him gravely. "It could take a very long time, Ray. It could take a lifetime."
"Is that all? I was thinking maybe two, three lifetimes..."
"...or even four?"
"Yeah. Definitely four. At least." Ray's stomach rumbled agreement and they collapsed into giggles, laughing much harder than the joke warranted, out of sheer relief. "I'd better get started on dinner, Benny. Don't go anywhere."
Ben lay down, watching Ray as he wandered about, preparing the meal. Most of it was pre-packed, so it didn't take long. When Ray settled at the counter to make a salad, he slipped out of the bed and pulled on his shorts, out of some vague notion of decency, and wandered over to stand behind Ray, watching over his shoulder, until Ray noticed he was there with a start. Ben slid his arms around Ray's waist and settled his chin on Ray's shoulder with a contented sigh.
"What's in that bag, Ray?" It was one that hadn't been touched yet.
"Don't you go looking in there... It's dessert, and it's a surprise, OK?"
But when Ray went to the range to check on the main course, curiosity got the better of him. There had been something in Ray's voice... There was ice-cream, fruit, chocolate and a book, still wrapped in paper. Recipes, perhaps? He sneaked it out.
"Benny!" Oops. "I told you not to look in there." But Ray didn't sound very upset, in fact he sounded... well... pleased.
"What is it, Ray?"
"You'd better have a look."
Ben took it out of the paper and turned it over to read the title. "The Beginner's Guide to Gay Sex" He looked at Ray in silence, remembering that terrible afternoon. Ray came over and put his arms around Ben, nuzzling his throat.
"The guy in the bookstore promised me there wasn't anything nasty in this one... I thought maybe we could use a little help, you know?" He drew back a little, looking at Ben carefully.
Ben managed a smile. "A little light bedtime reading? It might help me sleep, I guess."
"To tell you the truth, I wasn't thinking much about sleeping, Benny."
"Oh?"
"Maybe you'd better go lie down... save your strength. For later."
"Whatever you say, Ray."
Ray grinned. "I sure hope so."