Notes: This is part of a yet unnamed series that includes 'Want' and 'Need'. Thanks to Lucy Hale for getting into Fraser's head and finding out just what the hell he's thinking.

Author's webpage: http://home.att.net/~lojojan

As always, comments public or private are welcomed at lojojan@att.net

Have

By: Lori J

Bar in the wrong part of town. The bad and wrong part of town. The part of town where people sometimes get lost and are never heard from again.

But here he is.

Here he is in this bar, badge and gun forgotten in the GTO. Nursing a glass of whiskey and looking.

Looking for someone to make him feel.

There's lots of possibilities. Lots of big guys that have had their eyes on him since he walked in. He felt them all. Felt every look turned in his direction. Felt the way he was looked up and down and undressed before he got two feet into the bar.

All he has to do is wait. They'll come to him.

Good thing, because Ray doesn't think he could move if he wanted to. He's stuck. Stuck in limbo. Waiting.

He doesn't wait long.

Ray senses the presence behind him. Knows that whoever is standing behind him is a big guy. Taller than Fraser. Taller than Turnbull even.

The hand that descends on his shoulder is huge. The voice that whispers in his ear is deep.

"I know what you came here for." Each word said harshly as the hand tightens its grip. Squeezing harder and harder until Ray starts to squirm under the pressure. He can feel the bones of his shoulder grating together.

The pain is like chocolate, Ray thinks.

Sweet tasting and just what he wanted.

*

He can't get out of bed in the morning. His body screams loudly whenever he moves. There will be no going into work.

The sick call to Welsh is hard to make. Ray can barely speak; his throat is so sore. It will be several days before he can swallow without discomfort. And swallowing brings back memories of last night. Of being forced to his knees and ordered to open his mouth. Of whimpering in pain as the man violently fucked his mouth.

Everything aches.

He felt something last night. Just a flash. A moment's respite from the numbness in his soul.

Would Fraser be shocked to see him now? Would seeing Ray bruised and in pain disgust him? Would knowing that Ray let himself be violated horrify him?

Because that's what happened last night. Ray let himself be violated.

And it hurt more than he thought possible.

He hadn't wanted the man to fuck him. Wasn't prepared for that.

It happened anyway.

Ray remembers screaming into the too-thin pillow; feeling like he was being split wide open. He remembers with horrifying clarity the way the he struggled to get away but couldn't. He remembers the way the man laughed at him.

What he wanted, right?

The cop inside Ray coolly informs him that he was raped. And maybe he was, but he knew that was going to happen.

Ray spent the longest hour of his life in that room. And hour's worth of pain for only a twinge of feeling.

Maybe pain and fear isn't the key. Maybe it isn't what Ray needs to bring him back from the brink of self-destruction.

Maybe Fraser is what he needs.

Fraser wouldn't be violent or mean or rough. Fraser would be gentle and soothing and loving.

Fraser could heal him. Could make Ray whole again.

But why would he want to? Ray is damaged. Damaged by his past, his present, his future. Just damaged. Why would Fraser want that?

*

Ray stays in the shower for a long time, trying to wash away last night. No matter how much he scrubs he can't rid himself of the man. He can't wash away the feeling of those huge hands holding him down. Can't wash away the way the man's body covered his, sweat-slick sliding against Ray's back.

Soap and water can't wash away pain and humiliation.

And he can't decide which is worse. Feeling nothing or feeling like this.

He can't live like this anymore. He can't. Can't be numb anymore. Can't use pain as a solution.

The water runs cold, shocking Ray out of his stupor. There's only one person who might be able to make this better. One person.

Fraser.

Out of the shower and heading for the phone before realizes it. Dials the number with shaking fingers and holds his breath as it rings. Lets out that breath when the familiar voice answers.

"Fraser? I need you."

End