LUST AND STRENGTH

By Jennifer

This was written out of a subliminal challenge from Melissa. A sequel to VIGIL...

NC-17

M/M

I'm disgusted with myself for breaking down the way I did. How could I cry like that? Like I'm weak or something. Like I needed to let it out. Like I need Fraser to know. And Fraser! What the hell did he think he was doin? Kissin me like that! Like the Henry Allen. Gettin me all excited and makin me question my sexuality. I'm a ladies man... I'm a ladies man.

But then I look at my jeans crumpled on the floor and see the come stain. Shit! He made me come. He didn't even touch me! Not there! We just kissed. Kissed...

And I think about it again and again. His mouth, so strong, so soft. He let me take him, take what I needed.... Like the Henry Allen.

I'm a ladies man... I'm a ladies man...

It was charity. It had to be charity. I needed somethin to hold on to. I needed warmth and comfort. I needed acceptance. And Fraser just happened to be the one there. It could have been anyone. It could have been Stella or Frannie, Jack or Tom.

But it was Fraser. And it's been Fraser...

I'm a ladies man... I'm a ladies man...

It's been Fraser since the Henry Allen. Buddy freakin breathing.

I'm a ladies man... I'm a ladies man...

I start to pace. I'm seein red. It's all I can see lately. I try goin to Mexico with the bad check chic. It doesn't work out. She gets laid and I get a poncho. But that's OK, cuz I get the call that Fraser needs me up in Bumblechuck Illinois. And I feel good. But that doesn't last too long. Cuz I'm still confused and screwed up about so many things in my life. And it isn't even my life! Not anymore.

Enter Luanne Russell. Gorgeous woman. She digs me. I'm attracted as hell to her. But I blow it. I don't trust her. I don't trust no one. I trust Fraser.

I'm a ladies man... I'm a ladies man...

I trust Fraser so much that after we stop Beth Botrelle's execution; I take comfort in him. Knowing that he's there. Knowing that he won't let me down. He never does.

He kisses me. And I kiss him back. I want him so bad I can feel myself get rock hard. He's a man for chrissakes! I'm a man! I ain't supposed to get aroused by a man! But he's so damned beautiful. And he cares for me, I know that. It's genuine, like him. He's accepting. And I know he won't hurt me like Stella...

Stella... I'm a ladies man... I'm a ladies man...

I sit on the sofa and look at my jeans. I pick up the phone and dial seven numbers.

"Hello," Stella's tired voice mumbles. I need to hear her voice. I'm a ladies man... I'm a ladies man...

"Yeah, it's me," I say.

"Jesus Ray! It's late!"

"I need to talk to you." I tell her.

She sighs. Beautiful, reluctant sigh. "Ray, I told you-"

I cut her off. "Yeah, I know. Sorry to bother you." I hang up.

I'm thinkin of dialing Fraser's number at the Consulate. I lean back into the cushions of the couch and consider what he's doin right now. Probably lying on the flimsy white rolly thing readin his father's journals. Wearin those red longjohns.

Red longjohns. I wonder if he knows how incredibly sexy he looks in those things.

I'm a ladies man... I'm a ladies man...

He kissed me. And he didn't stop either. He kissed my throat, the line of my jaw. He held me. I know that he was excited cuz somehow my leg found its way between his. And I felt it! He was hard!

I slide my hand down into my boxer briefs, feeling myself get hard just thinkin about him, his erection...

And I wonder if he came.

I stroke myself slowly, seeing his grey eyes that change color like the sky. Ordinarily caring. Sometimes devilish, rarely angry. And other times sad.

I know about his past. I read the file. I know about warpo, Victoria. I know he misses Ray Vecchio. I wonder if he ever kissed Vecchio.

I'm a ladies man...

I stroke harder. I wonder if he'd kiss me again. I wonder...

I'm a ladies....

I hear the buzzer on my door. Shit! Doesn't anyone use the phone? I yank my hand away from my dick. I get up shouting, "Just a minute!"

I try to pull on a pair of jeans. That ain't happening. I'm so hard it hurts. I slip into a pair of sweatpants and hope like hell that it will go away, even a little, before I open the door.

And it starts to, until I open the door and see Fraser standing there, hat in his hands.

Shit! I'm standin at full attention again.

I'm a...

Aw shit, who the hell am I trying to kid?

"Hi Ray," he smiles. God that smile makes me forget that the Cubs haven't won a pennant since 1945 and the Hawks haven't won the cup since 1961.

"Fraser," I choke, willing myself to calm down.

"Can I come in?" he asks.

"Sure Frase. Geez where are my manners?" Dope! Idiot! Moron! I step aside and allow him to pass, turning to watch him enter the room. The denim jeans hug the curves of his ass tightly, sending all of my resolve out the door, which I shut behind me.

He turns to me and I blush, cuz I know he knows I was watchin him.

"What's on your mind?" I ask tryin to distract him, as well as myself.

"Well, it's about tonight."

"Look Fraser," I start to say.

He cuts me off, not like him. "Something happened to me Ray."

"You don't have to," I stop mid-sentence. "What?" Yes! Yes! It did happen to him. Charity, smarity! "Something happened, Fraser?"

"Yes. And I'm not entirely sure what it means."

"I'm not followin ya, buddy, ole pal."

"You see, I've never had homosexual tendancies before."

"Fraser,"

"Have you?" he cuts me off again, meeting my gaze. He needs me this time. HE needs me to help him.

I sigh. "No, Fraser. I haven't. Not until the Henry Abbott."

"Allen," he corrects me softly, without reproach.

"Right, Allen."

"Have you been feeling this all this time?"

I shrug. "I don't think so, not really. I mean inside, maybe, yeah."

"Subconsciously,"

"Subconsciously, yeah." Good word. "Look Fraser. I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"I wanted to do that Ray." His voice still soft.

I stare at him, my heart soaring. All these realizations hitting me at once! I love the Mountie! My hot damned Mountie partner. And he just may love me back!

"I wanted to reach out and kiss you and make it go away for you. I wanted you to know I was there."

"Oh," I deflate a little. "Is that it?"

"I thought at first, yes. That my arousal was a natural physical response to the, uh, contact."

"Natural physical response?"

"Yes. And that my orgasm-"

I cut him off this time. "Your orgasm?" I smile. "You did come."

"Well, yes, Ray."

I edge closer to him. "Didya like it, Fraser?"

"I didn't think about it until later. I don't know, Ray."

"You don't know?"

"Yes. That's why I'm here."

"That's why yer here?"

He nods. "I need to know if what happened, happened out of my inherent need to help you or because... because..."

"Or because you want me? Is that what yer tryin to say?"

"Yes." He says simply.

"So, what are you actually suggesting, Fraser?"

He blushes then and I smile. That color suits him. I edge closer feeling the seduction. "Do you want to kiss me again, Fraser?"

His eyes lock with mine. The longing there is apparent. "Yes, Ray, I do. May I?"

OH GOD! YES! FRASER! YES! "Sure Fraser, if you want."

"Do you want me to, Ray? I mean, you wouldn't be humoring me?"

I smile. "Kiss me Fraser."

He touches my face with his hand. It's an odd feeling. Erotic and exciting. I watch his face as it nears mine until I close my eyes in anticipation. His lips touch mine... softly this time, yet there is something carnal in their nature. My mouth opens, I feel his tongue mingle with mine. He's delicious. And I want to taste more of him. My lips leave his and my tongue goes on a journey, exploring the line of his strong jaw, his ear, and his neck just below. He's gasping, "Ray, Ray, Ray." But I don't stop. And he doesn't push me away. I'm bulging out of my sweats. My hands tear at the buttons of his flannel shirt and I shove it off his shoulders. I'm thrilled that he didn't put on an undershirt and I am met with the smooth contours of his chest. I'm kissing him again, relishing in the sweet, smooth taste of him. He pulls my lips back to his, gasping in my mouth. I reach between us and feel him rock hard against my hand. He groans at my touch.

I whisper, "Do you want to come again, Fraser?"

"Yes Ray," he mumbles, dizzy in his arousal.

I kneel before him. I unbutton his jeans and tug the zipper down. I edge his jeans and boxers over his hips. I pull them down to his ankles where he kicks them off and away. I stare at him, pleased by his size. I had never thought about the size of a man's dick before. Just mine. But here I was happy to see that the Gods were good to Fraser. And I'm thinkin, yeah right, give one of those to a guy who rarely uses it!

I gently push him toward the couch. He sits legs open, cock up. I position myself between his thighs. I smile at him before taking him into my hand. He groans and I start slowly. I lick him first, like an ice cream cone, up and down, circling around. I take him my mouth and hear him gasp again... "Ray," his voice is barely above a whisper. My tongue circles the head, parts the slit, and tastes him. God this is good, I think. My own cock throbbing. I dive further onto him. My sucking intensifies, my tongue moving furiously around him. I can feel his cock start to pulse. He is crying out, "RAY!" His back is arching... And I don't think about it. I feel his release hit the back of my throat... and I swallow. And then I come...

Stella never swallowed. And now, I can't understand why. I can't understand how she could get up and run into the bathroom to wash out her mouth. I just want to lie here with him. I want to hold him and never let go.

His hands find my face and he pulls me up to meet him. He kisses my mouth.

"Do you know now, Fraser?" I whisper.

"Yes Ray."

"Is the answer what you hoped it would be."

"It's much more than that Ray."

"Good," I say.

"And you Ray?"

"I already knew, Fraser. I just had to face it."

"And it's OK?"

"It's better than OK, Fraser."

"Good."

I wrote this with the song 4 Men by the Kitchens of Distinction raging through my brain...

Stars are falling down onto this broken hearted hungry clown because he cannot get his fill. Never thought that he would ever want this much from a man but love is the steepest sharpest slide. Oh here he'd lie at your side looking up into the sky wondering if this is allowed but fear rules him easily it takes lust and strength to turn to you and say "I want you and I need you..."

Sun has finally upped and gone being bored of everyone I strip off my shirt and shoes. Time to hate myself again my small voice and freckled skin till the safety of the dark. Oh here I'd lie between your thighs looking up into your eyes wondering if this is allowed but fear rules me easily it takes lust and strength to turn to you and say "I want you and I need you" but I haven't got the fattest chance in hell....

Usual disclaimer... I own NOTHING here!