Author's website: http://freespace.virgin.net/jodie.mouse

Disclaimer: Not mine :(

Author's Notes: Thanks to Snowee for looking at it.

Story Notes: This story has a gross bit in it -- you have been warned.

Be my Valentine

By Jodie Louise

Valentine's day sucks. In a big, big way. Reminds me too much of what I've had and what I can't have anymore.

Stella.

Fraser.

Stella -- dancing together all slow, smelling her hair. Holding her. Warm body. Lying on the couch afterward my head on her chest, between her breasts. Her heart beat fluttering beneath me.

The time I brought her the rose and she kissed me.

Valentine's day sucks.

It was on Valentine's day last year that Fraser broke my heart. I loved, worshipped that guy and he bruised my heart. Bruised it, abused it. Damaged it far, far more than that yet.

I decided to tell him how I felt about him. Y'know the whole shebang. Took me ages to plan in my head what I was gonna say to him and how I was gonna tell him. My Ben, my Benton that he meant more to me than anyone else in the whole entire world. Me, I'm not always good with words. I get them mixed up sometimes. So I was really careful this time. Not rushing in, planning exactly what I was gonna say.

Y'know like how my love for him grew while we were searching for the hand of Franklin thingy. An' that I wanted to stay with him there in Canada. All these things. Like how his smile, his real smile makes me feel when I see it. How I feel dizzy 'cos my heart is beating so fast.

His dimple -- I wanted to say something 'bout that too. An' his hair.

An' him. Just him. The, essence, of Fraser, of my Ben -- y'know -- how he makes me feel. Tell him he is my soul mate.

So, anyhow, ya get the picture. I had this great speech planned in my head. Big long words, 'cos Frase likes big long words. An' it suddenly was the right moment. So `Pow' -- I say the words.

An' for once I didn't stumble over them, or get them mixed up. I'd never quite had something this important to say in my life -- well -- apart from when I proposed to Stel and I fucked that up. The words all got jumbled and me and Stella ended up laughing and she still said `Yes'.

But the words were coming out right with Frase -- an' I thought if when I fuck it up it works, well if I get it right it will be greatness...

An' the words were flying out. All the right words.

Then Fraser spoke. I can't remember the exact words 'cos I was kinda shocked. I think it was something like, "I'm terribly sorry Ray. I love you, but as a friend. I am not homosexual." -- or he may have said "I don't love men in the romantic sense". I do remember he said it very gently. I do remember he pushed me back from him, kept me anchored to the floor. An' I remember crying. Big tears.

Fraser patted me on the shoulder.

Most of the rest of the stuff is a blur. Anyhow things like that made me decide Valentine's day sucks.

I felt like Fraser had taken a knife and cut out my heart. 'Cos I had a hole there. Where I should've had a heart there was nothing. Nothing. Like one of those black hole things, y'know those things in space which suck light into them. Empty.

I came back to Chicago. Threw myself into my job. Then a strange thing happened.

Ray Vecchio.

`Cept I had no heart left to feel back. Stella had damaged my heart but Fraser had destroyed it.

He tells me how he feels about me. An' I cry. I sob like a baby. An' I tell him. I tell him everything. An' Vecchio holds me, Ray holds me tight. Strokes the back of my neck. He says everything will be alright.

I says nothing will be alright until I get a new heart, until I have that back which Fraser destroyed. Then I could feel again. Then I could give Ray the sorta love I always wanted from Fraser.

Ray nodded. Looked serious.

That was a few days ago. Haven't seen him since. So I'm sitting in my apartment all alone on Valentine's day. Life really sucks sometimes y'know?

The phone rings. Must be the third time tonight. I ignore it. Don't wanna speak to anyone. Let the machine get it. Be Welsh again.

"Kowalski -- if you're there phone me. Phone me."

Well, not tonight. Tonight I'm jus' gonna sit here gazing into space. An' it is easy enough to ignore the fact that Welsh's voice has become more and more frantic with each call. Let someone else be his dogsbody for a change.

Banging at the door.

"Ray. Let me in."

At first I think it's Welsh again, but then I realise it's Vecchio. Ray banging on the door of the apartment. I get up and let him in.

One arm is full of ice white roses, in the other is a wooden box. The wood is so dark it is almost black. Vecchio kicks the door shut and awkwardly captures my mouth in a kiss. He pushes me towards the couch and I sink into the cushions.

I watch as he spreads the white roses on to the floor, and kneels there looking up at me.

"I have something for you." Ray says, green eyes gleaming.

The wooden box is placed on my lap. Close up I notice the wood is craved. I trace the patterns with my fingertips.

"Open it."

I open the box and the sight which greets me is absolute beauty. Sublime.

Be still my beating heart, `cos my heart is back, I can feel it again. An' I feel love, pure love for Ray. I never thought I'd feel love again. I look up at Vecchio and smile.

"How?" I ask.

A beautiful smile grows upon Ray's face. He strokes my cheek.

I gaze into the box. At the purple-red muscle and the bed of blood Fraser's heart sits in. I know it is his heart. I can feel it. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Metaphor made reality.

A ripped out heart for a ripped out heart.

I meet Ray's eyes and see the love pouring out of them.

"It is the best Valentine's present I could ever have."

Strong arms pull me into a hug. I drop the box, forgotten on to the floor.

Many hours after our lovemaking I return to the box. And the roses...now blood red.

End Be My Valentine by Jodie Louise: jodie.mouse@virgin.net

Author and story notes above.