Half Of Heaven

Disclaimer: Disclaimer: This piece of fiction has been written solely for the enjoyment of the readers (and the author). No infringement upon copyrights has been intended.

Author's Notes: Disclaimer: This piece of fiction has been written solely for the enjoyment of the readers (and the author). No infringement upon copyrights has been intended.
The original version of this story was a short piece, also featured in the Due
South Archives. The second, full version of this story was featured in "Pure Maple Syrup Nine" a couple of years ago. The original version reappears in this version as an epilogue.
The editor has kindly allowed me to share this with all of you. This is not one of my gen stories; this is a slashy story, so please turn back now if you're too young to read this, or if you don't like slash in general.
Many thanks go out to the beta readers: Adalisa Zárate, Anagi, Cheryl Barnes,
GypsyDee, Jennifer Swanson, Kathy Martin, Liquid Review, Marcie, Raa, Rupie, Shannon McKinnon and SurfGirl.

Story Notes:

HALF OF HEAVEN
by Renny Ramos

It was glossy, rubber-like and broad-stemmed, with a yellow appendage that stuck out rather obscenely from its pink fold. 'What's this thing called again?' Ray asked, as he delicately ran his forefinger across it. 'I believe it's called an anthurium, Ray. It's actually quite popular among plant enthusiasts,' Ben replied, handing over his empty plate to their attending waitress
Ray took a sip out of his water glass. 'And I bet it's because they think it's the Plant from Outer Space.'
Ben shook his head and the crinkle of laughter formed around his eyes. 'I think the anthurium is popular because it doesn't wilt as quickly as other plants and it has...' he paused as he struggled to find the right words '...'exotic features,' he finally said.
Ray set his glass down and began to run a forefinger round the rim of his glass. 'You're telling me! I don't know about you, but this plant is giving me some pretty strange ideas right now.' He continued to examine the plant up close. 'It just looks too exotic. I see one and I automatically think Little Shop of Horrors. Me, I go for the classics, like roses. I've always preferred roses, you know.'
Ben smiled. 'To grow or to give?' he asked. Ray tilted his head back in laughter. 'Oh, boy! Definitely NOT grow! I can't even grow a pea to save my life!' he answered, as a tinge of pink crept up his cheeks. Give, I guess. Call me romantic.' Ben nodded. 'Ah. Which colour?'
'Colour?'
'Yes, colour,' Ben repeated his question, as he rested his cheek on one palm. Ray scratched his chin lightly with his right hand before answering. 'Well, it depends. I mean, what does she like? If I find out she likes red, then I give red. If she likes peach, then I go out and buy peach. That's all there is to it. Why do you ask?'
Ben leaned back against his chair and shrugged. 'Oh, nothing. I just remembered a book I once read.' He shuffled in his seat and moved closer towards Ray. 'Did you know that the type of flower you give says something about your intentions?' Ray's eyebrows rose in surprise. 'Really?' 'Oh, yes. With roses, for instance, the meaning changes with the type of colour.'
'Meaning what?'
'Let me see,' Ben looked up at the ceiling, then back at Ray. 'For example, a red rose means "I love you with unending passion". A yellowish rose means "Our friendship is pure and eternal".'
Ray rested his hands on his belly. 'What about white?' 'I think a bouquet of white roses means "I wish you happiness with your true love", while a single white rose means "My love for you is pure".' 'Ah,' Ray said, turning quiet. Then, with a mischievous glint in his eye, he asked, 'What about a blue rose?'
Ben's brows knitted in question. 'A blue rose?' 'Yeah.'
Ben shook his head. 'I don't know, Ray.' Ray cleared his throat before answering. 'It means "Call 911",' he said matterof -factly.
'What?' Ben stared blankly at Ray. He was rewarded with a smile. 'You know,' Ray said. '"Blue-I-can't-breathe-get-me-to-a-hospital-blue"?' Ben blinked, then shook his head and laughed as he finally realised what Ray was talking about. It was another one of Ray's hard-to-decipher jokes. 'That's just silly, Ray.'
'The Italian Cornball strikes again!' Ray announced, as he raised his arms in mock triumph. The two laughed.
'Well, anyway, I've never given anyone a white rose,' Ray said, as he rested both palms on the table.
'Really?'
'Yeah.'
Ben paused. 'Then I guess you should give her white roses,' he finally said. Ray continued to smile, but a heartbeat flicker of change muffled the joy and humour in Ray's green eyes. The expression darkened briefly, before settling back into casual friendliness. 'She's allergic to flowers, she hates them,' he answered.
'Oh... Well, that's just too bad.'
Their waitress returned, a plump woman in her late fifties with kind brown eyes and a cheery smile on her face. 'Here you go, boys,' she said affectionately, as she refilled their glasses with cold water. 'Thanks, Rosie,' Ray smiled at her. He touched her arm briefly. 'Oh, could you please get us our bill now? Add five strawberry doughnuts to go, please.' Rosie smiled at Ray, then leaned forward towards Ben. 'He's starting to act like you!' she whispered. Ben laughed. She continued, 'Your friend is also spoiling your wolf like crazy.'
'I know,' he whispered back to her with a smile. Once Rosie had left, Ben turned to Ray. You really are beginning to spoil him,' he said, as he tried to shroud his pleasure with a disapproving tone. 'Well, Benny, any buddy of yours is a buddy of mine, you know that,' Ray responded. He assumed his trademark so-shoot-me look: head tilted to the side, cool and defiant gaze, lips pursed in a disarming half-smile. Ben's facade broke, as always. He shook his head and accepted his defeat with a grateful smile. 'Thanks, Ray.'
Ray shrugged. 'Ah, don't worry about it, it's nothing.' He reached across the table and touched Ben's arm. 'Listen, Ma's making her special lasagne tonight. Wanna come and have dinner with us?'
Ben hesitated. 'Thanks, Ray, but I'm afraid I can't. I have to work late tonight.'
'Sentry duty and overtime? That is sad,' Ray shook his head and clucked in sympathy. 'Oh, well. Maybe next time, then?' Ben nodded. 'I'd appreciate that. Thank you kindly.' Rosie returned with the bill and the brown-bagged doughnuts. 'Thanks, Rosie,' Ray said as he handed the woman a thin wad of bills. 'For our meal and the wolfbag, thanks,' he said. 'Just keep the rest.' The woman smiled in acknowledgment and left. Ray patted the bag of doughnuts. 'I'll drop these off at Willie's later. He can give these to Dief for dessert.'
'Oh, Ray, you don't have to,' Ben started to argue. Ray brushed the argument aside with a wave of his hand. 'Nah, don't worry about it. Don't want the fella to eat what's lying around in your apartment... not that there's much to eat, anyway. You know, you should really consider moving out of that apartment of yours. I mean...' Ray's cell phone rang. 'Hold on,' he told Benny. 'Vecchio. Oh, hi. I'm here at Rosie's with Benny. We're having lunch. What? I told you I can't. I've got a meeting with... You're not listening to me. What? Oh, I don't believe this. OK, fine!
'Damn!' Ray hit the 'end' button violently, then half-slammed the cellular phone down on the table. 'Sorry, Benny.' He closed his eyes and rubbed the lids wearily with his forefingers. 'This is so embarrassing.' 'Another fight?'
Ray nodded. 'It's been happening a lot recently,' he confessed. Ben leaned towards Ray. 'Do you want to talk about it?' he asked. Ray settled back against his chair. 'Ah, I don't know,' he sighed. 'She thinks I don't spend enough time with her. She's right, actually. I was supposed to see her tonight, but I begged off. I...' Ray paused. He rested his palms on the table and stared down. 'There's somebody.' 'You mean you have another girlfriend?' 'No.'
'A crush?'
'No. More than a crush,' Ray answered quite firmly. 'I...' Ray looked at Ben, and paused. 'I think I'm in love with someone else.' 'I see,' Ben said. He stared into his glass. 'Is it Louise?' 'No.'
'Elaine.'
'No. Not her. It's just...' Ray's hands clenched into fists. 'It's just somebody.'
'Does that somebody know?' Ben kept his eyes focused on Ray as he asked. Ray bit his lip. 'Yes. No. I don't know! Oh, I'm so pathetic!' Ray lowered his head and ran his hands across his short, cropped hair, the way he always expressed his frustration. Joining his hands as if in prayer, Ray then looked up at Ben, his expression serious. 'I've been thinking about this for a long time. I don't know, I... I think I want to break up with her.' Ben licked his lips briefly before speaking. 'You think it over, Ray,' he finally answered softly. 'Do what you think is best.' Ray nodded, then smiled at Ben. 'Thanks,' he said. For a time, he remained silent. He then glanced at his watch. 'I suddenly feel like having coffee at Luigi's, what about you? We still have half an hour.' Ben nodded and smiled. 'Coffee would be fine.'

Ben circled the rim of his coffee cup with his finger, heat rising in his face. Ray certainly had a way of asking questions. It was not deliberately disrespectful, that he was sure of, but then Ray had no use for carefully chosen words or polite phrases. Direct and brutally candid each time, Ray's questions forced him to face issues he did not even want to think about, like this one. 'Do you still love Victoria?' Ray repeated. Ben took one final sip of his coffee, all the while feeling Ray's intent stare. He set the cup down on its saucer and stared at the table, noting the rich darkness of its wood. Light filtered through the window and outlined the table's objects in dark shadow: two cream-coloured containers for sugar cubes and fresh milk, a crystal vase with a long-stemmed white rose in full bloom. Ben shook his head and echoed what Ray said at the diner. 'Yes. No. I don't know. Oh, I'm so pathetic!'
Ray threw his head back and laughed, releasing a high-pitched delightful sound of joy that made Ben grin. 'Ah, Benny,' Ray said, 'we are a pair, aren't we?' Ben smiled back. 'Yes, I suppose we are.'

Ben looked up from his desk as the rich, delicious aroma of food wafted through the Consulate. Ray entered with a large wicker basket in his right hand and a big checkered tablecloth under his arm. 'Hey there, Benny,' Ray said, smiling. 'Hi,' Ben smiled back in greeting as he rose from his desk. He glanced briefly at the clock on the wall. It was nine forty-five. He looked at Ray, blue eyes smiling with a hint of question. 'I thought you were going to have dinner with your family,' he said.
'Well, I was supposed to,' Ray started explaining, as he set the basket and tablecloth on a nearby table, 'but there was this overworked Mountie slaving away his entire night without supper, you know?' Ray grinned. 'I told Ma I'd just bring some food over and share it with you.' Ben smiled gratefully. 'Thanks, Ray.'
Ray shrugged. 'Nah, don't think about it. A Mountie needs his carbo load, too, you know.'
Ben expertly arranged the papers on his desk into a neat pile and moved it onto a separate table, clearing his own. Ray, meanwhile, unfolded the tablecloth and draped it across Ben's desk. He transferred the basket to Ben's table and proceeded to take out its contents. 'Sooooo, let me see. We've got lasagne, of course... chocolate cake... the deli calls it Triple Chocolate Orgasm, can you believe it? Talk about enticing... Oh-hoh! We've got Chianti and freshly brewed coffee!' he announced triumphantly.
Ben collected plates, glasses and utensils from the office pantry and helped set the table. They settled down to have dinner, talking and laughing about the events of the day, as if it were any other meal. Once finished, Ray leaned far back against his chair and gave his stomach a light pat. 'Oh, wow! I feel like I'm about to burst!'
Ben smiled. He rose from the table. 'I'll just go into the pantry and wash these,' he said.
'Let me help,' Ray said.
'No, no, allow me,' Ben insisted. 'I won't be gone for long.' 'OK,' Ray said as he settled back into his chair. Freshly brewed coffee, warm and ready in a cup, greeted Ben when he returned. Ray had covered the coffee cup with a saucer and kept it warm for him. They drank their coffee in companionable silence.

'Uh-oh, I think it's raining,' Ray said. He stared at the skies, one palm outstretched. He closed an eye as a droplet fell. 'Yup.' Ben and Ray quickened their pace as the droplets grew. 'Oh, boy. Just my luck the Riv is parked two blocks down,' Ray said. Thinking quickly, he removed his trenchcoat, raising it above his and Ben's head like a tent. 'Here, Benny.' 'Allow me, Ray,' Ben said. His fingers brushed against Ray's as he took the other edge of the trenchcoat.
The rain poured viciously upon them. 'Oh, hell,' Ray grumbled, as he searched his pockets for his key. 'So much for Plan A,' he muttered, as he opened the trunk of the car. Ben slid the basket in. 'So, Benny,' Ray asked jokingly before closing the car's trunk. 'Got any soap in your apartment?' 'Well, I still have a bar of bathroom soap; but my inventory of detergent has been drastically reduced and...'
'Benny?'
'I should stop talking?'
'Just get in the car.'
'Understood.'

Ray's heels clicked softly against the steps in a slow rhythm. He's getting tired, Ben thought. He adjusted his pace, slowing down perceptibly to enable Ray to keep up with him.
'This apartment of yours is gonna kill me one of these days, you know that?' Ray panted the words out; complaining again, but his voice remained pleasant. Ben smiled. 'Do you want to rest for a while, Ray? Or would you rather I carried you over the threshold?' he teased.
Ray paused. 'Whoa! Hey, that was a joke! Well, I'll be.' Ben turned to face his friend. 'Be what, Ray?' Ray frowned. 'Benny...'
'It was another joke, Ray.'
'And I thought I was the only cornball here,' Ray chuckled. They laughed the rest of the way up the apartment.

A burst of cold air greeted them as they opened the door. Ray shivered. 'Man, it's freezing in here,' he exclaimed, as he rubbed his arms vigorously with his hands. He found the light switch and turned it on, bathing the room in pale, soft yellow.
'Come with me, Ray,' Ben called out as he dropped his stetson onto the kitchen table. 'I'll get you a fresh change of clothes,' he said. Ray followed Ben as he moved towards the closet.
Ben pulled out a large, white towel, a grey sweatshirt and sweatpants. He also took out an extra blanket. 'Here, Ray.' Ray reached for the items. 'Thanks, Benny.' Ben pulled out an extra towel and slung it across his shoulder. 'I'll just be gone a minute,' he excused himself.
'OK.'
Ray slipped out of his everyday work clothes in a slow unpeeling; the rainsoaked garments had clung to his flesh. Off came the tie, then his long-sleeved shirt, slacks, socks and underclothing. Scant lighting shone briefly on Ray's nakedness, softening the planes and curves of his lean body. After drying himself off, Ray slid into Ben's oversized garments. 'These had better not fall off,' he mumbled apprehensively to himself. He piled his wet clothes on top of a dark-coloured wooden rack near the door, sat down on the bed then stretched out his legs. He crossed his right leg over the left one, and began massaging the sole of his foot. 'Oh, man,' he grumbled. 'These feet are killing me.'
Ben returned, carrying a pan of steaming water. He was naked to the waist: the serge was off and the suspenders settled on the side of his hips. His undershirt and towel hung on his right shoulder. Up close, Ray saw that Ben was almost completely dry. Ray smiled inwardly. Dear Lord, he's not just Scotch-guarded, he's also water-repellent, he thought to himself. Ben knelt on the floor and placed the pan next to Ray's feet. He pulled the towel off his shoulder and placed it on the mattress, next to Ray. He proceeded to roll the man's pants up to his knees. 'What are you doing?' Ray asked in surprise.
'The water's supposed to warm you up, Ray.' 'Is this backed up by scientific fact?' Ben laughed. 'Honestly, I have no idea. I heard it's supposed to be good for you, though. Go on, put your feet in it.' Ray flinched at the initial heat, but the warmth of the water quickly began to soothe him. He sighed in pleasure as he sank both feet in the pan. Ben rested a hand on Ray's knee. 'Is it warm enough for you?' 'Yeah.' Ray paused. Their eyes met and lingered on each other. 'It's warm enough. Thanks, Benny.'
Ben smiled. 'Good. Now, give me your left foot.' 'Why?'
'I'm going to give you a massage,' Ben answered. 'Are you sure, Benny?' Ray asked. His toes curled underneath the water in selfconsciousness. He made an inventory of silent questions in his mind. Do my feet smell? Are they dirty? Have I trimmed my toenails? 'Left foot out,' Ben commanded.
Ray felt the pressure of Ben's hands on his foot, a firm, insistent, delightful rolling-rubbing motion on the sole, the arch, his toes. He closed his eyes and grinned. 'Boy, oh, boy, Benny. Who taught you how to do that?' 'Not really who but what -- a book on Reflexology, actually,' Ben said. 'All that from a book? Unbelievable,' Ray murmured. Silence reigned in the room for the next quarter of an hour, as Ben continued to massage Ray's feet. Then, with a final press against the sole of his foot, Ben ended his work. 'There. I guess that will do,' he said. He dried Ray's feet with the towel. Once he was done, he stood up, stretched his neck from side to side and extended his limbs. A short groan passed through his lips. 'Stiff back?' Ray asked.
'Yes. It's been a long day,' Ben replied. Ray smiled. So, he mused, Super-Mountie's human, after all. He gripped Ben's wrist and tugged him backwards onto bed. 'OK, my turn,' Ray announced. He turned lightly to the left and rested his leg on the mattress. He guided Ben to sit in front of him, and proceeded to massage his shoulders, neck and back.
'How's that?' Ray asked.
Ben sighed deeply in response.
Ray laughed softly. He trailed his hands over Ben's body repeatedly. His touch softened into a gentle kneading, a feathery trail of fingertips brushing against Ben's flesh.
Ray webbed his fingers around Ben's jaw and neck. The skin on Ben's face was smooth and thin to the touch, with the contrasting roughness of stubble just beginning to rise to the surface.
Ben gasped and shuddered, and leaned closer to him. The response triggered something within Ray, an electric mix of thrill, surprise and fear that made him tremble. He swallowed hard. With great reluctance, he ended his massage with two brief taps on Ben's shoulders. 'There ya go, buddy,' he barely managed to say. 'Thanks.' Ben's voice was smooth and low. Ray cleared his throat. 'Don't mention it,' he whispered. Ben moved away from Ray, towards the window. 'I think you'd better spend the night here. I don't think it's safe for you to drive in that type of rain,' he said.
Ray hesitated. He sighed, and pushed himself off the bed. He moved slowly towards the window.
With a hand on Ben's shoulder, Ray peeked outside the window. The downpour continued to drape thick sheets of rain over the streets. 'I guess you're right,' he said.
Their eyes locked.
'I'll just... I'll...' Ray stammered. He turned away and took the bedroll next to Ben's side table. 'I'll take the bedroll.' 'You'll do no such thing,' Ben argued. 'I'll take the bedroll...' 'Benny, I'm just a guest.'
'No,' Ben insisted. 'You're a friend -- my best friend, in fact. And that's precisely why you won't take the bedroll. You'll sleep on my bed, I'll take the bedroll.'
They continued to argue in this manner, until Dief stepped into the room and settled the argument. With a snort, Dief plopped down on the bedroll. I'll take the bedroll, the wolf seemed to say. Now shut up and sleep! Ray found himself laughing. 'Well, I guess that settles it.' He looked at Ben, and tried to push away what he had felt a moment ago. He smiled his warmest 'best buddy Ray' smile. 'Why don't we share the bed, Benny? I promise I won't hog the blanket,' he said lightly, as he patted the mattress in invitation. Ben smiled back. 'All right,' he said. He moved towards the night lamp next to his bed and switched it on. He then carried the pan and towel and walked towards the kitchen. The room returned to darkness not long after. Ben had switched the outside light off.
Ben returned and proceeded to undress in full view of Ray. Turning his back towards the closet, he stripped the rest of his uniform off. Ray gripped the sheets of the bed hard, as Ben's nakedness revealed itself to him. He found himself unable to take his eyes off Ben, especially when his hands ventured over his body to warm himself.
With his eyes, he followed the movement of Ben's hands: shoulders, arms, belly, thighs. The feeling returned, and Ray felt the initial stirrings of panic. Trembling inside, Ray lay down and faced the wall, pulling the blanket up to his shoulders. He closed his eyes. In the dark, he heard the soft movements of Ben shuffling towards the rack, then into bed. When Ray finally opened his eyes, Ben was fully clothed in his long-johns.
Ben smiled, then snuggled into his side of the bed. 'Goodnight, Ray,' Ben said as he switched off the night lamp. 'Goodnight, Benny.'

Three am.
Ray traced the shape of Ben's face with his forefinger, and ran it across his closed eyelids. He gently rubbed his finger against Ben's lower lip, and felt the warm, steady breath of life pass through his skin. Ray bit his lip, as tears welled in his eyes. He sighed. Ben stirred. Ray drew his hand back.
'You're still up?' Ben murmured, eyes still closed. 'Yes... I...'
'What's the matter?'
'I'm just cold, that's all,' the lie rolled softly out of him. He felt Ben's arms enfold him. 'I'll keep you warm,' Ben whispered. Soft lips landed on Ray's cheek in a kiss. 'I'll keep you warm... I'll...' Ben's voice trailed off, and he returned to his dreams.
Ray's tears fell, unchecked.

Ben stirred, as the sun warmed the room. The sun had just begun its ascent. He kept his eyes shut, and tried to hold on to the fringes of his dream: holding his true love in his arms, shielding him from the cold with an embrace and a kiss. 'I'll keep you warm,' he remembered himself saying. He brought his arms around himself briefly, then ran his fingers lightly across his lips. He sighed and shook his head.
Everything was just a dream, he thought sadly. A hungry growl and a yelp startled Ben out of his thoughts. With great reluctance, he opened his eyes. A food-bowl-bearing wolf thumped its tail impatiently against the floor. It's morning, breakfast time, you know the drill, Dief seemed to say.
'Thank you so much for disturbing my thoughts,' Ben said sarcastically. Dief snorted in reply. He picked up his feeding bowl and trotted out of Ben's room. I'll be waiting outside, he seemed to say. Ben shook his head. 'Someday, I am going to mail him back to the Yukon,' he muttered. He raised his arms above his head, then stretched out to feel the sides of his mattress. It was still warm. His fingers fell upon a sheet of paper, a page torn carefully out of Ray's notebook. Ben read the hastily scribbled note placed by his bedside. 'You looked very tired -- I didn't have the heart to wake you up. Anyway, I cooked breakfast for you -- hope you wake up while it's still warm. Sorry I couldn't stay and eat -- time to see her, you know how it is. Thanks for last night. Ray.'

Ben forced himself to take another bite of his lunch, even as the feeling of dread enveloped him. Ray was unusually quiet, his eyes and movements locked into weariness.
Don't push it, he reminded himself. Whatever it is, he'll tell you. Don't push it.
'Is anything bothering you, Ray?'
Ray shook his head. 'No, Benny. I'm just tired, that's all.' 'OK.'
They settled into silence.
'Are you sure you're OK?' Ben said after ten minutes had passed. 'Why do you ask?'
'You've hardly had a bite to eat. I thought you liked eggplant parmigiana?' Ray opened his mouth to speak, then paused. He licked his lips quickly, then set his plate aside.
'I'd like you to be the best man at my wedding,' Ray finally said. Ben blinked. 'Excuse me?'
'I'm getting married, and I'd like you to be the best man.' The words whirled in Ben's mind. He stared at Ray, dumbfounded. 'But... I thought you said...'
Ray shrugged. 'Well, I got to thinking, I'm not getting any younger and she's not getting any younger, so I figured this would be the best time to... you know.'
'This doesn't make any sense...' Ben paused. Ray licked his lips. 'I know, Benny. I guess I was just crazy that time.' 'She pressured you, didn't she?' Ben's voice was low, then sharp. 'How could you let her pressure you into doing this?'
Ray's eyes blazed. 'She didn't pressure me, all right?' he spat out. Taken aback by his anger, Ray slumped against his chair and sighed. He shook his head. 'I'm Catholic and Italian and I have a girlfriend. Tell me, Benny, what other choices are there?' He looked uneasily at Ben. 'This is how everything is supposed to be,' he said.
Ben looked away in stunned silence.

Ice-cold six-packs, junk food to send Dief straight to Wolf Heaven... So far, so good, Ray thought.
Jack Huey slung his arm over Ben's shoulder. 'So, Fraser... When are the women coming?'
Ben stared blankly at Huey. 'Women?'
Oh, boy, Ray gulped.
'No women?' Huey asked in a half-yell.
Welsh moved closer and pulled Huey out of the way. 'Do you have... other forms of entertainment?' he asked tactfully, careful not to embarrass Ben. 'Well, I rented some tapes,' Ben answered. 'Tapes! Tapes are good. Tapes are fine,' Huey said. The men gathered around the television set. 'So, what tapes did you get?' Welsh asked. Ben brought out the remote. 'Well, this one... I think it's a classic... sort of. I know for a fact that it's one of Ray's favourites,' he answered. My favourite? Ray thought. What the hell is he talking about? The men nudged each other and snickered. 'Oh-hoh! A classic, and Ray's favourite! So, what is it? Taboo? Debbie Does Dallas? The Story of O?' Ben pressed play and the old, familiar strains of Staying Alive filtered through the room as John Travolta swaggered into view. The men looked at the screen in disbelief. It was Saturday Night Fever.
Ray blinked and swallowed hard. Oh, boy. Silence pervaded the room until Huey spoke. 'Oh, what the hell,' Huey said as he shrugged. Welsh nodded in agreement. The men relaxed into their seats and focused on the screen.
Ray uttered a silent prayer of thanks. No lynch mob for Ben this time. He gave Ben his most encouraging smile. 'Sit next to me, Benny,' Ray said, as he patted the sofa. Ben smiled back and accepted Ray's invitation.

Ten pm.
'Hey, Vecchio, we're willing to take you out on the town for...' 'More action,' Welsh said, discreetly.
Ray looked at Ben. 'Nah, I think I'll just pass up on the night of fun. Thanks, anyway,' he said, patting Huey on the back. 'Beauty sleep, you know... Not that I need any!' he added, laughing.
'OK, Vecchio, whatever you say,' Huey answered. Ray shook the men's hands. 'Thanks,' he said, as he led the two out the door. 'Remember, the wedding's at five in the afternoon, OK?' Once their colleagues had left, Ray followed Ben to the living room. Together, they cleaned up after their guests. Once done with the chore, Ray slung an arm around Ben. 'I need a breath of fresh air. How about a walk before we call it a night?'
Ben smiled. 'Sure.'

'I hope it wasn't a disappointment to you,' Ben said softly, as they crossed the street.
'No, no, it's fine, really it is. I'm glad you didn't bring in any of that hard liquor. I could never touch that stuff, anyway, with my Pop and all that. The food was great; the movie was great! Everything was just what I wanted, actually. Thanks.'
'I'm glad you enjoyed it,' Ben answered. Ray stopped at the kerb. He bit his lip, then smiled. The words slipped out boldly from his mouth. 'You know, you're probably the only person who knows me inside and out.'
The corners of Ben's mouth curved slightly and he turned away as a blush of red spread across his cheeks.
'Oh, come on,' Ray said laughingly, as he tugged Ben's arm.

They revisited many of the trails and places that had become significant to them: the streets where they tracked Dief down during the Mrs Markles case, the route to St Michael's, Chinatown.
They finally stopped in front of a closed diner. Ray rested a hand on Ben's shoulder. 'You know,' he confided, 'your tracking technique really unhinged me at first. I never told you this, but I almost passed out when you licked and sniffed your first clue.'
Ben laughed. He turned to face Ray. 'I never knew I had that effect on you, Ray,' he answered.
'Oh, you have no idea, Benny,' Ray replied, as he patted Ben's cheek playfully. Ben's laughter died at the touch. A slight, sad smile crossed his face. Ray's mood likewise changed, mirroring Ben's own. The fingers lingered on Ben's skin, before slipping away to the side. Ray focused his sights on the diner. With a deep sigh, he threaded his fingers through Ben's. 'This is where I tracked you down, remember?' Ray whispered. 'Of course,' Ben replied, wondering how he managed to sound so calm. He felt the shudders of emotion flood his insides.
This is it, he thought. This is half of heaven, coming down to bless his life. Ray squeezed his hand gently. Ben squeezed back. It was a study in contrasts, with Ray's hand wrapped up in his own. His own hands were wide and rough, hardened by living in the wilderness of the North. Ray's were slender and narrow, warm to the touch. If only I could hold you this way forever, Ben thought.
In a moment of courage, Ben drew his eyes away from the diner and back towards Ray. The moon caught the expression at play in Ray's features; the warmth and tenderness reflected in Ray's face were beyond words, and so was the burden of sadness and regret. Ben swallowed hard and tried to rein in his emotions, as the feeling sharpened from thrill to pain.
There would be enough time tomorrow; an eternity to cry and feel regret. They headed back home, keeping their hands entwined in each other. When they finally reached the apartment, Ben felt Ray's hand grip him tightly, almost painfully.
'Benny, I lo...'
The passion in Ray's eyes flared and died. Calm resignation set in, the look of defeat. Ray forced a smile. 'I'll... I'll see you tomorrow, Fraser.' Not Benny, but Fraser. Ben heard and understood instantly. 'Ray...' Ben managed to say, as the tightness around his heart grew. 'Goodnight, Fraser,' Ray said one last time. Ben stood at the foot of his home as he watched Ray walk away from him. He choked back the tears; but they fell, anyway, unbidden and free from his heart.

Ray rested his head on the steering wheel. He kept his eyes closed to keep himself from crying.
What the hell are you committing yourself to, Ray? Love? Just a set of beliefs, a handful of fears and guilt. A lie.
He leaned back against his seat and brought his hands up to shield his face. A half-sob escaped his lips. 'Oh, God, strike me dead now,' he cried, 'I can't go on with this!'
The cell phone rang. Ray let it ring five times as he tried to compose himself. 'Vecchio...'
'Ray...'
Ray's grip around the phone tightened, as the feeling of knowing stretched across his heart. Don't do this to me, Benny, Ray silently pleaded. Ben sounded almost in tears. 'You once told me you wanted to break up with her. You loved someone else. Did you... did you mean it? Did you mean what you said? I need to know.'
Ray's tone was harsh. 'I was just out of my mind then. I didn't mean it. Everything was just a joke.'
The silence on the other end of the line was long and accusing. 'Benny. Benny, still there, buddy? Talk to me! Please. Please...' The line went dead.
Ray slumped against the steering wheel, and rested his head on his forearm. What have I done? he thought miserably.

It used to be so easy to hide. Inuit tales confused, politeness deflected, sentry duty kept the silence. Ray changed all that. Ray was all honesty and openness. Always, simply, the truth. Until now, Ben thought bitterly. He sat on his bed and shivered; the cold, frosty air sharp and hurtful on his skin and insides. He hugged himself tightly. Not enough. Not enough to freeze Ray's betrayal out of his heart.
He hurt too much; he just didn't care any more. Midnight came, and darkness joined the cold, bathing the room in shadows. Ben remained rooted where he was and let the numbness seep into him. He didn't move when he heard the door open gently behind him, didn't even turn when he heard Ray's voice call out his name.
The mattress sank softly with Ray's weight, as he sat next to him. For a long time, they sat together in uneasy silence. It was Ben who spoke first. 'You should have left me out there in the wilderness. If I had died then...' he paused. He lowered his head, keeping his sights fixed on the floor. 'Death would have been kinder, compared to this.'
'Benny, don't,' Ray said weakly.
'Then, why?'
'I just can't.'
He shook his head. 'You can't or you won't? You have a choice.' 'Just forget me.'
'You have a choice,' he repeated.
He felt Ray's hands grip his shoulders. 'Dammit, which part of "no" don't you understand?' Ray cried. 'Look at me, Benny.' He felt Ray's hands cup his face. Ray forced the words out through his tears. 'Look at me! I'm no good for you, all right? Why can't you see that?'
'How can you even ask me to do that? I love you, Ray,' he found himself crying. 'And I don't want you to, all right? Don't waste your love on me. Don't be a fool!'
He shook his head. He covered Ray's hands with his. 'Please, Ray,' he begged. Ray's voice was plaintive, resigned. 'See me for who I am, Benny. I'm a coward. I can't even face my own shadow.'
Ray removed his hands from Ben's face and made his way to the door. Time froze, the world ended.
There was nothing left.

Ray felt the inward trembling as he walked away. Don't look back, he told himself silently. Don't look back. You'll never be able to leave him if you do. His steps, sure at first, faltered midway through the corridor. He turned and made his way back to Ben's room, his strides brisk and decisive.

'Benny...' he heard Ray call out to him as he re-entered the room. He rose to his feet. 'Ray...'
Ray took a couple of steps forward. He paused and retreated; resting his back lightly against the wooden door. His hands cut through the air, coaxing him to speak but failing. The words remained trapped in his heart, and a half-sob escaped Ray's lips.
He walked towards Ray and gathered him in his arms. 'I'm so sorry,' he heard Ray cry out repeatedly. 'I love you... I love you so much. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry...'
Ben nodded silently, and brought Ray closer to him. 'I understand,' he said; the lie more for Ray's benefit than his.
He closed his eyes as he continued to hold Ray; relying on his other senses to seal the truth of this memory in his heart. He held him possessively, with Ray's heart, heat and breath enfolding him. He let Ray cry, until he turned silent and calm. Then he loosened his hold and walked away towards the bed. Ray followed.

They stopped at the foot of the bed, and waited through a moment that had no use for words. Ray embraced Ben from behind and rested his head gently on Ben's left shoulder. Ben breathed deeply in response and wriggled gently out of his grasp. He turned, bringing his hands to cup Ray's face. Instinctively, Ray pressed forward; wrapping his hands around Ben's waist, he drew closer, until his lips met Ben's.
The initial contact was sweet, seamless, breathless. Ray gave off a short, feeble sound of protest as Ben broke away and ended the kiss. In response, Ben slid one hand under Ray's neck, partly opening his shirt. He drew the cloth away and trailed kisses down Ray's neck and shoulder. The feel of Ben's lips was like fire upon Ray's skin. He trembled.
Ray's fingers landed on the side of Ben's neck and pulled him back up. Their lips met in a deep, fierce kiss. They undressed each other slowly. When they had removed all of their clothing, Ray guided Ben to bed and pushed him gently into a sitting position. He took his place behind Ben and brought his arms around him in a tight embrace.
Ray kissed him all over: his neck, his shoulders, the smooth, pale flesh of his back. Then Ray slid his forefinger inside Ben's mouth; sliding it forward, backward. Ben sighed, Ray's finger was warm and smooth against his tongue. The finger slid out of his mouth and snaked its way across his chest. Ben gripped Ray's hand and led it down centre. 'Please,' he cried softly. He drew his head back and arched his back against Ray; gasping as a firm, warm hand touched the entire length of him. Ray's strokes were agonisingly slow and erotic; one hand closing around him, the other travelling from chest to belly and back in lazy strokes. 'Yes,' he murmured. Ray nipped at Ben's neck, scraping the flesh lightly with his teeth. Low, soft cries rumbled from deep within Ben. Ray continued the feathery touches across Ben's body, crossing from chest to belly and back; each returning trail slightly rougher than the first. Fingers scraped down, resting against the insides of Ben's thighs, before spreading them apart. The hands returned, one stroking rhythmically; the other caressing his belly. Ben moaned softly and moved his hips in time with Ray's motions. Then, with a gasp, his body stiffened and arched against Ray's. 'Stop, stop,' he gasped, his hands gripping Ray. Ben unsteadily pushed himself away from Ray, and turned to face him. He pushed Ray's shoulders back, eased him onto the bed and straddled him. They began to kiss deeply. Ray felt Ben's hands on him, stroking him at an increasingly wild, maddening pace. He moaned, his lower body undulating against Ben's. 'Don't stop,' Ray cried. 'Don't stop.' Ben continued to stroke him. Then, with a soft groan, he lowered himself on top of Ray. They rubbed their bodies together, quickly establishing a rhythm that brought them to the peak, one after the other. They made love several times that night, each encounter a shadow of the other; sweet and innocent by turns, then rough and raw, primal, passionate. When exhaustion overcame them, they lay on the bed and embraced each other. Ben gathered Ray in his arms and pushed away all thoughts of tomorrow. Tonight, they were together. They belonged to each other. That was enough.

Late morning.
Ray felt Ben's soft nudges against his shoulder. 'Ray. Wake up, Ray.' He opened his eyes. Ben sat on the edge of the bed, fully dressed. 'It's time,' Ben said.
He reached out and hugged Ben tightly. 'I don't want to go,' he whispered. 'Tell me not to go.'
Ben inhaled sharply, and trembled as he returned the embrace. Ray felt Ben's tears on his shoulder.
'We both know the costs are too high. We'll hurt too many people,' Ben said. He broke away from Ray's embrace. 'This is how everything is supposed to be, don't you remember?' he said.
Ray breathed deeply before speaking. 'You will find someone else. Someone who's...' Ray paused, as the tears threatened to overwhelm him. He bit down, hard, on his lip. 'Someone who's deserving of you,' Ray finally managed to say, as if the words were intended to convince himself. Ben shook his head and remained silent. After a while, he spoke. 'I'm leaving Chicago tomorrow.'
Ray felt the cold rush of dread spread through his insides. 'When are you coming back?' he asked.
'I don't know yet. I've accepted an open-ended transfer back to the Territories.'
'Will I see you again?'
'Come on, Ray. It's time,' Ben said, as if he hadn't heard Ray's last words. They looked at each other silently. Then Ray reached out and took Ben's hand in his own. 'Yes, it's time.'

They stole one last moment together, pulling away from the crowd into the nearby garden. The skies were grey, dimming the majestic beauty of the field and its flowers. It was going to rain.
They faced each other silently. Ray carefully pulled out a small box from his pocket and opened its lid. Inside was a single white rosebud, which he pinned on Ben's lapel.
'It was always you,' Ray said, his voice clear in the crisp, cold air. He lovingly traced the petals' edges , then rested his hand lovingly across Ben's chest. Finally, Ray extended his hand upward to caress Ben's cheek. 'It will always be you.'
Ben's eyes shone. He brought his own hand up to touch Ray's cheek. 'Never forget,' he said.
They made their way back to the church, back into the world of ordinary lives and ordinary men, just as the clouds began to darken. An hour and a half later, the bells pealed in celebration; but their sounds went unheard. Outside, the skies mourned; sending a torrent of rain that fell dark and heavy upon the streets.

EPILOGUE

I foolishly believed I had finally pushed you away from my mind, out of my life. That I was free of you, at last, and I could move on. I had counted on real life to consume the spirit of your memory. I thought a thousand hours of writing reports, solving cases and sentry duty would be enough to kill your voice in my heart; and all I would hear was the dull, soothing throb of living eating away at our past.
I was wrong.
Marching back in time, today marks the day I saw you leave with her. The day you walked away from me. The day my heart froze in the barren arms of death. I still remember the night before you married her. Right after your bachelor party, you asked me to take a walk with you. You said you wanted a breath of fresh air just before you called it a night. So we did. We walked through Chicago, as we had always done.
I remember the heat radiating from your body, and the brush of your hand against mine as you swung your arm in time with your stride. Nothing extraordinary, really.
Except that you took my hand and you squeezed it tight; and you never let go. I felt a surge of warmth pass through my body then. I swear, I could think of nothing else but your affirmation. This was it, half of heaven, coming down to bless my life.
I squeezed your hand back. We continued to walk; our fingers entwined in each other, as if nothing had changed. As if this act was ordinary. As if this was how things were meant to be.
But I was still your best man the following day. You met her at the altar, all that joy spread across your face. And you made your promise to her. I remember keeping my head down, trying to be brave and failing miserably. I remember one tear escaping from my heart, falling down to touch my hand. It was neither the first nor the last. Maybe you did love her. Maybe what happened that night meant nothing. But how come I am still paying for it?
So many years have passed since then.
And yet, all I continue to pray for is the day when your brand of pain finally vanishes from my heart.
THE END

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End Half Of Heaven by Renny Ramos: Blue_Grey_Eyes@hotmail.com

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