Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, and I am making no money off this.

Author's Notes: Inspired by conversations with mrs_laugh_track and snoopypez. Unbeta'd.

Story Notes: This story is also available as a podfic by the lovely zabira! It can be found at http://audiofic.jinjurly.com/dishwasher-safe. (Also, it has been brought to my attention that washing sex toys in the same dishwasher load as dishes can lead to cross-contamination. Please do not do this at home. Thank you.)

"You rented porn again?"

"Come on, Stella, don't be like that."

They both knew she was going to do it, but she held out on principle. "It's just embarrassing," she grumbled. "I feel like an idiot. Who writes the dialogue on those things anyway?"

"Retarded monkeys," Ray said promptly, and she giggled in spite of herself. "Anyway, I feel like an idiot handcuffing you to a kitchen chair and pretending you're a perp, but I do it, right?"

"You're the one who said we had to stop fucking in the supply closet at the precinct after I watched you do an interrogation."

"Right, because I was starting to have an autonumeric response to the interrogation room."

"Autonomic."

"Yeah, whatever, I got a hard-on every time I went in there. That would have been great for my career if anyone noticed."

No one could have told from the bad cop he did for her that he thought it was stupid. He was good about stuff like that. She sighed. "Can I blow you so I don't have to watch it?"

"Sure," he said generously, beaming again now that she had given in. "You're the best, Stella."

So there she was, kneeling on the floor at the foot of the bed with Ray's dick in her mouth, trying to ignore the fake moans coming from the TV behind her and concentrate on the very real moans coming from Ray, when Ray went totally still.

"Fuck me," the guy on the TV said, very clearly.

Oh, crap, Stella thought. He rented gay porn by mistake again. She was in for another month of Ray wanting to fuck her tits all the time. Which wasn't such a bad thing, really. She pulled off and turned around to see if at least either of the guys was cute.

The sexy schoolteacher on the screen was wearing a shiny vinyl harness with a tartan-patterned dildo in it, and fucking the guy in front of her so hard her desk was sliding across the floor.

Stella flashed to an image of Ray's back, Ray's forearms braced on the bed--she looked at him. His mouth was open, and he was watching the screen with a glazed expression.

"Maybe--" Ray's voice cracked. "Maybe we should try that."

"Yeah," Stella said. "Fuck me."

###

"Ray, I don't do pink."

"But Stella, it sparkles," Ray said. "Come on, that's hilarious."

"Ray..."

"Can I help you find anything?"

They both jumped like guilty kids. They had ended up going to a sex shop way on the other side of town, partly because Ray knew the one near where they lived had been busted for selling kiddie porn and partly--although they hadn't come right out and said it--because they didn't want to meet anyone they knew.

The salesgirl looked non-threatening enough, though. Stella plucked up her courage. "We, um." She straightened and said in the tone she used on judges who didn't take her seriously because she was a woman, "We want to buy a strap-on and harness."

"All right," the girl said cheerfully. "Have you used one before? What size does your husband prefer?"

###

Twenty excruciating minutes later, Ray and Stella were on the sidewalk, Stella clutching a brown paper bag.

"Dishwasher-safe," Ray said, shaking his head bemusedly, and that was it. Stella cracked up, and Ray lost it a second later. They were still laughing when they got to Ray's motorcycle (parked discreetly around the corner). It was several minutes before they were safe to drive.

They giggled through undressing, and through figuring out how the harness hooked together, and then Stella totally lost the urge to laugh. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" she asked, staring at her feet and then looking at the floor to her left because when she looked straight down the strap-on was right there. "I mean, shit, Ray, what if I hurt you?" I don't know what I'm doing. Stella hadn't felt that way about sex with Ray since she was seventeen.

"Hey," Ray said, tilting her head up so she had to look at him. "You are not gonna hurt me. We'll take it slow, okay?"

"But what if I do?"

He grinned at her. "Then we'll have to go to the emergency room and everyone will know we've got the best sex life in Chicago."

She bit her lip, nodded, but she still felt tense and awkward. Then Ray did something she didn't expect. He got on his knees.

He reached out and ran his thumb over the harness strap that circled around her upper thigh. "I'm glad we sprung for leather," he said. A tremor went through her. He saw it and grinned a little. He knew her too damn well. Leaning forward, he ran his tongue over the leather. His tongue was millimeters from her skin, and she couldn't feel it at all. Then he pulled back, took a deep breath, and licked the sleek blue head of the dildo.

Suddenly Stella couldn't breathe.

She watched Ray fit his mouth around it, as tentative as she'd been the first few times she did this for him. But he found his rhythm quickly and fuck, he was going down on her, and that was way hotter than she would ever have expected. She thrust forward a few times, gently, and he slipped two fingers inside her.

She moaned loud enough that the lady upstairs who always yelled at them to turn down the TV was going to complain the next time they ran into her in the hall. Stella didn't really care. She was pretty sure she'd been wet for days, and Ray's fingers sliding in and out of her felt unbelievably amazing. "Please," she begged, thrusting forward into his mouth. "Fuck, Ray, I'm almost there, come on--"

"Nuh-uh-uh," he said, pulling off with a pop and slipping his fingers out of her. A strand of saliva stretched from the strap-on to his lower lip before he wiped it away, and that was it, she couldn't wait, she reached down to just bring herself off.

"I don't think so," Ray said, grabbing her wrist and grinning at her.

"Cocktease." She tried to free her wrist, not very hard.

He snickered. "Look who's talking," he said. "I thought you were gonna fuck me."

She narrowed her eyes at him.

"Come on, Stella," he whispered. "Fuck my brains out."

Stella wouldn't have believed it, but that was even hotter to hear than it was to say. She had to swallow a couple of times before she could talk. "Get on the bed then."

When he stood up, she saw that he was hard and leaking. Leaking a lot. Her heart beat loud enough to deafen her as she climbed onto the bed behind him.

Ray was on his hands and knees, his smooth, muscular back spread out in front of her, his shoulders and arms tight with anticipation. She looked at his ass last. She smiled, opening the tube of KY and squeezing some out onto her fingers. "Did I ever tell you you've got a great ass?"

"You mighta mentioned it once or twice."

She took her time opening him up, because she didn't want to tear anything and because it was fun. She felt around inside, trying to find the magic spot, and when she finally did, Ray gave a strangled moan and dropped his face onto his folded arms. "You're killing me here," he complained into the pillow, but he shoved his hips back onto her fingers, slow and dreamy.

"Okay," she said finally, spreading lube on the smooth silicone, "last chance to back out."

He made a noise that could have been a laugh or a sob. "I do not fucking think so. Hurry up, Christ."

The dildo looked too big, not as big as three fingers because they'd started small, but it couldn't feel, it couldn't find its way or tell her if she was ripping something. Shit, it's not going to work,she thought for a second, but she shoved a little, and the head slipped inside. The muscles in Ray's thigh began vibrating where she was holding onto him for balance. She pushed forward a little farther, and he sucked in a breath and froze.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, just give me a second," he said.

She could feel him trying to relax, hear him breathing in and out. She leaned forward, wrapped herself around him so her breasts were pressed against his back. "Hey," she said, running one hand down his side and taking his dick in the other. "I got time." She stroked him, trying to slide in at the same time. It was a clumsy, graceless process, but Ray's breath was shaky now and getting shakier, and every time she moved forward an inch her breasts dragged over his back, sending tiny flares of arousal through her. The space between them was slick with sweat by the time she was all the way in, and she just stayed there for a minute, draped over him, her mouth open against his shoulder, making tiny little thrusts and rubbing her nipples on his back.

"Harder," he said hoarsely, thrusting hard into her fist for emphasis. "Please."

There was no way she had the leverage for that in her current position. She let go of his dick and pushed herself back up onto her knees--and in the process shoved into Ray hard enough that they both slid forward, his forearms hitting the headboard.

"Fuck, that is greatness," he groaned.

"Really?" She pulled back and then pushed back in, tentatively. "Like that?"

"Harder."

She didn't know how hard was okay, so she started with slow, small thrusts, working her way up until she was actually kind of pounding into him. The harness brushed her clit on every thrust--not enough to really bring her off, but that was definitely beside the point because Ray was out of control under her, making mindless little noises and shoving backwards. He reached back with one hand and started jerking himself off, fast and desperate.

She watched, mesmerized, as the shiny blue dildo slipped in and out of him. He was open, so open and so turned on and chanting in that rough sex voice, "Come on come on Stella come on Stella come on come on," and she forgot about awkwardness and careful and just fucked him. She could do this for hours, hanging on the ragged edge of arousal, watching Ray move under her. She shifted, angling up, and he came with a ragged shout that vibrated through her entire body.

###

That night Stella didn't even mind that she always got stuck with the dishes. She just glanced at the blue dildo (rinsed off in the bathroom sink, of course) in the bottom rack between her favorite square cow plate and the silverware tray and hummed "The Little Old Lady from Pasadena" to herself as she scrubbed.

When she went into the living room, Ray was standing at the turntable fiddling with the needle. "Hey," he said, smiling at her. "Dance with me. I'm too sore to sit down."

"Sorry," she said, but she wasn't sorry at all. He held her close, the jazz low enough that she could still hear the dishwasher chugging away in the kitchen, and she wasn't sorry for a thing.