A Mouse's Tale
by Virginia Vaughn

Please send comments to virgule@dangerous-minds.com


Dearest cousin,

The life of a city mouse, despite what you may have heard, is an
interesting one.  Here in the great city, I've got free run of an
enormous building.  It's a bit too tidy for mouse tastes, but if you
know where to look there's always lots of yummy things to eat, warm
cozy places to sleep, and entertainment galore if you like to watch
the antics of the two-legs.  And I do.

The best apartments in the building are the ones where two-legs are
raising their young. Those apartments always have lots of places to
hide and good things to eat everywhere.  You have to be careful if
they have dogs and cats though, not that I have to tell you about that!

Today I had the most amazing adventure.  It happened while I was
exploring one of the apartments I hadn't ever been in before. 
Apartments, that's what the two-legs call the places they live in. 
The two-legs that live in this one make a terrible racket at times,
but they cook some delicious smelling meals that made me curious about
what might be inside.   
                                        
Never in my life have I been so disappointed.  The place could be one
of those wicked *laboratory* things that Uncle Fuzzy-nose used to tell
us about.  Not a scrap of food anywhere.  Not even a tiny crumb on the
kitchen floor.  No warm foot wrappings balled up under the sitting
things to make a nest in.  There were lots of papers and books, but
they were all so tidy!  

I was just about to give up on the too-clean apartment when I heard
the two-legs coming home. They came thundering in, almost before I
found a place to hide.  What odd things those oversized creatures are.
 The smaller one was acting like he might be sick.  He was having
trouble with his feet.  He kept singing and talking, all the while he
was grabbing at the bigger one.  Two-legs can't seem to do anything
without making a lot of noise.

It didn't seem to bother the big two-legs.  He just went on laughing
and catching the smaller one when he stumbled.  They put their arms
around each other and began pressing their mouths together.  I thought
they might be fighting, then I could see it wasn't fighting at all. 
I'm still a young mouse, but I certainly know what all that licking
and nuzzling can lead to!

Pretty soon the two-legs were pulling their coverings off.  That was
quite a shock.  It's not at all like fur you know.  It comes right
off!  The smaller one was trying very hard to get all the coverings
off the bigger, without much success at all.  There were buttons
flying right at me!  I had to duck and dodge to avoid them, which I
did rather handily, if I do say so myself.  

The bigger two-legs seemed to find it very funny.  He was laughing
even harder than before.  The smaller one kept calling the bigger one
Jim.  The Jim two-leg called the other one Chief-Blair.  Strange
things to call one another, nothing like decent mouse names.

Jim was trying to get Chief-Blair up the stairs, but he didn't want to
go.  Then Chief-Blair pushed Jim over to a big clear table.  Now this
is where it gets really interesting.  The Jim two-leg kept saying,
"No, no, no."  But you could tell he really didn't mean it at all. 
That's when Chief-Blair pushed Jim down on the table and started
taking his bottom coverings off.  First he took off those feet things
they call boots, remember when Auntie Pink-toes made her home in one?  

Jim acted like he was struggling and kept saying something about bed. 
Beds are what the two-legs call the things they sleep on.  He didn't
seem very sleepy to me and I don't think he was struggling very hard. 
Then Chief-Blair skinned his legs!  Honestly, would I lie to you?

Next, Chief-Blair took off his own bottom coverings.  That's when I
found out those two were both males, just like Uncle Fuzzy-nose and
Uncle Bushy-whiskers.  I don't know why it surprised me that the
two-legs do that too, but it did.  

I'd never seen two-legs without their wrappings before.  It is a
strange sight that's for sure. Underneath his bottom cover, Jim's legs
were almost as hairless and naked as the rest of him.  Like a baby
that hasn't opened its eyes yet.  All that naked, pink skin.  No
wonder they keep it all covered. The Chief-Blair one had lots of very
long fur on his head, but only a little bit on his tummy and legs. It
was better than all that naked skin on the Jim two-leg, but his fur is
still so thin it could never keep him warm

Not to be indelicate here, but you really have to see a male two-leg's
boy parts to believe it.  It's as big as they are, has curly hair
growing all around it and it hangs out all the time.  I was
fascinated, I'll admit it.  I just had to have a better look!

Even though they could have spotted me at any time, I was very brave
and carefully crept out of my hiding spot. Luckily, one of the boots
had landed in a very good spot under the table.  I slipped under the
table and hid behind the boot.  It was a perfect mouse's view of the
action. 

The sounds the two-legs made!  There was lots of nuzzling and moaning
and groaning.  Chief-Blair was laughing hard and he kept making this
funny snort sound too.  It sounded just like the curly-tails that live
with the farmer two-legs.  Chief-Blair let go of Jim and grabbed
something off the counter.  I was hoping it would be something tasty,
since I hadn't found anything to eat.  The Jim two-leg said something
about oil.  I wasn't very pleased about that, but I was more curious
than ever.  

The rubbing and groaning started again and then Chief-Blair turned Jim
over and started rubbing the oil between his legs.  From underneath
the table it was quite a sight to see that big two-leg's boy parts all
squished down and flattened out.
                                        
Something about having his boy parts smashed flat seemed to made Jim
jerk and squirm.  He wiggled back until they were dangling down over
the edge.  That looked pretty funny too.  His boy part was giant and
red, there was a long slit in the end of it and stuff was drooling
out.  Every time he wriggled the drops splatted on the floor!  Good
thing it was too far away to drip on me.

I couldn't see what Chief-Blair was doing very well and I really
wanted a closer look, but with Jim facing toward me I knew it wouldn't
be a good idea to come out from where I was hiding.  Jim liked the oil
being rubbed on him, he kept saying, "More, more," and pushing his
behind back at Chief-Blair.  

Now any smart mouse would have made good use of the oil, which is
terribly runny, but can make a nice snack.  We certainly wouldn't rub
it on our skins!  Chief-Blair was rubbing it on his boy parts too.  He
seemed to like that, but since boy mice like rubbing and licking
theirs, I wasn't really surprised.   

That's when the mating started.  Two-legs certainly do it differently!
 It was very slow and took forever.  And the noise!  All that grunting
and panting.  It was so undignified.  Now I know what these two are
doing to make such a racket all the time.  After what seemed like an
eternity things started to speed up to a more mousely pace.  There was
a lot of shouting and then the Jim two-leg squirted out a huge stream
of white goo!

It very nearly hit me right in the eye!  I had to jump and dodge to
keep it from getting on me.  I didn't want to have to clean any of
that sticky looking, smelly stuff off of my fur.  It was appalling.  I
think it must have filled up that boot before he was done.  

I expected them to do the decent thing and go to sleep after that. 
But no, it seems two-legs don't curl up and sleep afterward like we
do.  There was lots more nuzzling and mouth pressing and licking.  Jim
got off the table and lifted Chief-Blair up on it, which pushed his
bottom down against the clear part.  His behind was mostly hairless,
except for a tiny bit of fur between the cheeks.  That's about the
time they knocked over the oil, which ran right off the edge of the
table.  

I was thinking about going over for a taste, since it seemed to be a
very pleasant sort of oil with a delicious aroma, but the doings on
the table were getting very loud once more.  That's when I saw they
were about to mate again.  This time Chief-Blair had his legs over
Jim's shoulders and they were face to face!  I never knew it could be
done that way.  I crept forward very carefully until I got a good look
at what Jim was doing.  I'd never have guessed that big thing would
fit in that tiny hole, but somehow they managed.  I think that's what
all the oil was for.  It's very slippery stuff, you know.

This time was even slower then the first, but not quite as loud.  You
could almost raise a whole litter of young ones in the time they took
to mate!  They pressed their mouths together a lot too.  I wonder why
they do that?  They seemed to like it as much as the mating.

This time nothing squirted out at me, thank goodness.  I was ready to
jump out of the way if it did.  They did make a terrible mess on that
table, though.  It was all oily and wet.  Did I mention that water
runs off their skins when they mate?  Interesting differences to be
sure.  By this time I could hardly see anything through the smears in
the clear stuff and I slipped away to a safer spot under the big
sitting thing.  

That's where I am now, waiting for the two-legs to go to sleep so I
can leave.  Two-legs are fascinating, but I'm thinking of moving back
out to the country.  It's well past time that I got out of this
building and found myself a boyfriend don't you think?

Love,

Your cousin, Bright-eyes