Tenderly, he kissed her cheek, hugging her as he did. "No, Mom, *listen* to me. I'm going to spend the rest of my existence with him, if he'll let me. Whether that's fifty days, fifty months, fifty years, I don't care. I hope you can find a way to be ok with that. If you can't, you might want to be gone when I bring him back because I'm going to bring him up here and nail him to the mattress, big time."

He gave her another quick peck, darted around her, and was gone.
 
 

Once in the garage, he stopped to think, hand on the door of his car. There was no question in his mind that Jim was leaving for good. The question was, how did he find him before he did? After making a point of letting them know he was going surfing, Jim must have at least intended to make it look as if he had. Which meant he would need to go to the storage facility where he kept his board and wet suit.

There was a chance of catching him there. What he would say to Jim once he caught him, Blair didn't have a clue.

He stepped through the door of the corner unit Jim rented, not surprised to find Jim waiting expectantly. "Hey, Chief. Did I forget something?"

Blair swallowed hard. Jim *had* to be able to hear his heart pound. It was all he could hear, himself. He took a hard look at the man he loved, seeing the wariness battling the frost in his eyes. Guilt spiked him, and for the first time it occurred to him that it might be too late.

"Chief?" Jim moved from behind the board he had been waxing to step closer, and Blair braced himself.

Forcing a smile to stiff lips, Blair walked directly to him and put his arms around Jim's waist. "Yeah, you forgot me," and stretched on tiptoe for a kiss.

Jim froze.

Jerking back, then hiding his face against Jim's chest, Blair gasped for breath. Man, I thought I knew what pain was, ran through his mind disjointedly. I really thought I knew what pain was. Jim's hands settled on his back, awkwardly, fingertips on his shoulder blades, but he didn't say anything.

When Blair could speak, he said, flatly, face still hidden, "You're leaving."

Gently, Jim answered, "Blair, it's been over for a while. Did you think I wouldn't notice how restless you were getting? Or how long it's been since we've made love? You're already gone; it's time for me to go, too."

In mute denial, Blair shook his head, but Jim only sighed with forced patience. "Be honest here, babe - your dissertation is almost done and you need more field work if you're going to establish yourself at all. And I want to move on while we're still friends, before we start tearing at each other because it didn't work."

"Why like this? Not even good-bye, just a wave and you're outta here?" Blair asked mechanically. He didn't care; he was stalling, trying to think. He *had* to convince Jim he was wrong, but didn't think words would work. The pain went too deep.

The long hesitation Jim took before answering gave Blair a shred of hope. "Someone wants me to go undercover, so far under that if any one checks on Jim Ellison, they'll find a death certificate and dismiss him. Everything, I mean *everything* had to look normal to that point. Even your reaction to it.

"I'm sorry, I knew it would hurt, but a fast, hard cut made more sense than dragging things out."

He was lying, Blair decided. Not completely, just enough to hide something. What? Pushing away his own hurt and fear by pure will, Blair opened himself completely to his perceptions of his lover. Under his forehead, Blair could feel the pound of Jim's heart, and while he held himself aloof from Blair's touch, his hands were caring. In fact, though Jim didn't seem to be aware of it, his whole body accommodated itself to Blair's with subtle shifts.

Jim's not as cold to us as he wants me to think he is, Blair realized suddenly. He's sealed himself off, but part of him hasn't - won't - accept it. Indifference and rejection are not the same, though he's trying to act like it is. He still wants me and passion may be the only way I have to convince him I need him to stay.

"Blair?" Jim took Blair by the shoulders and tried to set him away.

Blair resisted, wrapping one leg over Jim's hip as he brought his hands firmly up Jim's back to hold him close. He stretched up to whisper in one ear, making sure it was breathy enough to tickle. "Since it isn't a secret anymore, you can say good-bye to me. Let me do it on my back, please?"

"On your back?" Jim answered, sounding startled.

"Or my knees, or stomach. Whatever." Blair dropped his face back onto Jim's chest, nuzzling at one nipple. "Anything you want, any way you want it."

A shudder went through his partner at those words, and there was an unmistakable surge of heat in the crotch he was pressing against.

"Why?" Jim demanded.

Balanced on a verbal tightrope, terrified and trying not to show it, Blair answered honestly. "Do you really think I'll ever let another man touch me, Jim? I may have been the teacher in our bed sometimes, but you're the one who taught me how incredible male love-making can be. I'm going to miss it, miss *you* doing it to me."

He shrugged, apparently carelessly. "Consider this a final exam if you want, an end to our 'lessons.' Show me what you've learned so that I can close the book on it, forever."

Hesitantly, Jim's hands slid down Blair's back and up again, and, inane though it was, Blair tried to cuddle even closer. "I.." Jim stopped and licked dry lips, "Anything, any way? You can't mean that, Blair."

Mentally beseeching any deity in the neighborhood, Blair broke his death-grip on Jim and stood back, deliberately catching Jim's gaze. Smiling as seductively as he knew how, he began to slowly undo the top shirt he wore. "Yes, I can." He shrugged out of the shirt. "Consider it a farewell gift."

Taking advantage of Jim's apparent paralysis, Blair looked around the small space until he found the camping equipment they stored here. Quickly, he pulled out the sleeping bags and spread them in the clear space in the center. He toed off his sneakers, put them aside, and sank into the middle of the makeshift bed, sitting on his heels.

Bringing to mind every time he had watched Jim come up the stairs to their bed, Blair managed a soft, welcoming smile, and felt the beginning of arousal. He pulled his T-shirt over his head, tossed it aside, and ran his fingers through his curls, stretching cat-like to entice Jim to touch.

Jim stared at him expressionlessly, but made no move toward him. Or to leave, either. But he was breathing noticeably faster, and his fingers had begun to rub over his pant leg restlessly.

Blair carded his fingertips through his chest hair, squeezed his nipples once, to bring them up, and ran his palms down his stomach to the top button on his jeans. Before he could undo the zip, Jim was on his knees in front of him, grabbing both wrists in his hands. "Anything *I* want. Anyway *I* want it," he growled. "Don't touch yourself."

Dropping Blair's hands, Jim finished what had been started, leaving a growing erection exposed over the loosened and drooping top of his pants. Then he did the same for himself, though he stayed completely dressed otherwise. "Now, take off my shirt." Blair yanked until the shirt was free, and began unbuttoning it from the bottom. When bare skin was uncovered, Jim cradled the back of Blair's head in one large hand and drew it to him.

Not needing any explanation, Blair kissed and nibbled as he finished working the buttons. He savored the sensitive flesh, forgetting momentarily about anything but the pleasure he was giving and receiving. Reaching Jim's nipples, he impulsively took a strand of his hair and used it to tickle the nub into hardness. With a hissing cry, Jim held him there forcefully, and insisted, "Bite me there, be rough."

With a "oh" filled with lust, Blair did as he was told, pinching one while suckling the other, alternating between them.

"Yeah, like that, bite harder, make me feel it, babe, yeah..." Jim sighed.

Jim began to tremble, and Blair realized he was going to come, just from this. A tiny portion of his mind wept at the knowledge that they had been lovers for months, and he was only learning now how much Jim loved this stimulation. But he gave all his attention to his lover and began to work a hand down to milk him to make the orgasm as good as possible.

"No!" Jim pushed him away, holding him by the upper arms. "I said not to touch." Before Blair could protest he wasn't going for his own cock, Jim seized his wrists again. "If you can't remember," he said as he put Blair's hands behind his back, "I'll have to fix it so you can't." Holding both of them in one of his, Jim reached for his handcuffs, then secured them on the captive wrists.

Blair went very still, lids shuttering his eyes. He wasn't afraid, he realized. Jim would never physically hurt him, and he knew what was going on here. Whether Jim was in any condition to understand it or not, this was a test he was putting Blair to: one of trust and control.

A fast peek through his lashes seemed to confirm his guess. Jim's face was poker-blank; his eyes, blue ice and becoming colder as he watched. "I said *anything* babe, and I meant it," he whispered, and boldly met the his mate’s eyes.

With just a grunt in acknowledgment, Jim shoved one of his knees between Blair's and bodily hauled the smaller man to his chest, one arm around his waist, the other around his back. Taking a fistful of curls, he tugged back Blair's head until he could claim his willing mouth. He plunged his tongue in deeply, and voraciously devoured the flavors and textures he found.

Blair met him stroke for stroke, sucking and leaning into the kiss. His hips began to mirror the erotic motion of the kiss, rocking into Jim's upper thigh. Soon he was groaning, deep in his chest, and urgently trying to climb higher on that hard leg. Because of the difference in their heights, even in this position, he couldn't quite get the contact he needed to relieve the ache he felt.

Noticing his efforts, Jim drew away, slightly, and muttered, "What a little whore you are, Blair."

The comment didn't seem to need any reply from him, so Blair zeroed in on Jim's lips, and went after them.

He dodged the kiss, and bent his head to the curve of Blair's shoulder and neck. With a lick, then a puff of air, he raised goosebumps on Blair, and wrung a cry of pleasure from him. Dropping both hands to his lover’s bottom, Jim pulled him up high enough to be able to grind their erections together, only for a second.

Then he pulled away completely, saying, "I guess I'll have to find a way to stop you from coming until I'm done with you, umm?" He stood, taking Blair with him. Briskly he finished both of them, then had Blair kneel again. "Stay there."

Trying not to be obvious about it, Blair watched him search through some of the boxes stacked against one wall. It didn't take long for him to find what he was looking for - a small carton with Carolyn's name on it. "A few things she left behind and never bothered to pick up." Jim explained absently, as he came back to the sleeping bags. "She was touchy at the end; it didn't seem like a good idea to throw them away unless she said to... ha!" He took out a navy and green paisley silk scarf, then went behind Blair.

Blair felt it being wound around an ankle, then through the chain of the handcuffs, to be fastened to the other ankle. There was almost no slack between the cuffs and the scarf; he was immobilized except for head movements. Strangely, once he discovered that, he relaxed completely. There were no decisions left for him to make; it was all Jim's choice now.

He seemed to realize it, too. He sat in front of Blair, mock-lotus, and absorbed the sight of his naked lover, occasionally reaching out to push a lock of hair back over an ear, or to trace a muscular line. Intense concentration marked his face, as if he were a child being told it could have any sweet it wanted from the store and was trying to decide.

Abruptly, about the time Blair was thinking of begging to be caressed, he turned his attention back to the carton that had held the scarf. After a moment's rummaging, he pulled out a tube of love-jell, and the largest dildo Blair had ever seen outside of a porn shop.

At Blair's wide-eyed stare, he chuckled evilly. "Not for you, Chief." Blair's eyes got wider, then tried to pop out of his head as Jim lay on his back, and spread his legs to either side of Blair's prostrate form. Unable to do anything else, he watched as Jim filled one palm with the lube, then spread it over his cock and down into the crack of his ass. Making a loose fist, he started pumping into it, and worked the fingers of his other hand into the opening of his body.

Unconsciously, Blair strained against his bonds, denial rising lava-like inside him. He couldn't possibly be planning.. he wouldn't, not in front of him like this... He struggled harder. No. Mine. No. No. No. The head of Jim's cock was leaking profusely, and his movements were faster. Maybe he would only... Jim reached for the toy and Blair shouted, "NO! MINE!" lunging forward as much as he could.

He succeeded in covering Jim's groin, half bending over it, blocking Jim's access.

"Did you say something, Chief?"

"Damn right I did! You are *not* going to violate your body with that monstrosity!" Like you're in a position to do much about it, his mind stupidly chattered, but hot anger pushed it away. Stubbornly, he dug his forehead into the skin over Jim's left hip, and tried to force his body closer.

Under him, Jim shifted and came to a sitting position, dislodging Blair. Gentle hands caught the smaller man as he lost his balance, nearly tumbling to his side. Those same hands then steadied him until he was upright. Still angry, Blair started to argue, only to have the words dissolve unspoken. Jim, *his Jim,* not the cold stranger he'd found here, was smiling at him.

In confusion, he sat back on his heels again. He'd broken his promise about giving Jim what he wanted, and Jim seemed happy about it.

Jim didn't give explanations or time to reflect on it. "So, I'll fuck your mouth, instead." Blair jumped, a little, but Jim ignored it and reached for his pants. He took his belt from them, made a loop, and slipped it over Blair's head. When the loop reached Blair's throat, Jim pulled it tighter, so that it was snug but not choking, making a collar. "Now you won't forget, little whore, " he said, winding the free end very slowly over a fist, "what your priorities are here."

As the slack was taken up, Blair was towed, bit by bit, toward Jim. When they were separated only by a few inches, almost nose to nose, Blair, holding Jim's eyes as he did, opened his mouth and licked the leather connecting them. Reaching knuckles, the clever tongue laved and swirled.

With a shudder, Jim pulled on his improvised leash until Blair's face was in his lap. "You love this, don't you?" Blair answered by taking Jim's cock into his mouth and down his throat. As always, the taste and feel of this 'proud bit of flesh' emptied his mind of everything except the drive of lust inside him.

They were close, so close. Jim was pumping, holding Blair's head in a punishing grip, making incoherent noises. Fine tremors shook Blair; all he needed was a tiny push, something extra and he would spill. Something, anything - fruitlessly he tried to pin his hard-on between his legs and chest, hoping for release.

Without warning, Jim jerked on the belt, lifting Blair's head from his task. Unthinkingly, Blair moaned a negative and tried to go back to it. "Enough, little whore," Jim held the restraint firmly. "I want your ass."

He squirmed out from under Blair, who needed no encouragement to lower his head to the floor and lift his backside as high as possible. "Please, please, please," he whimpered, bracing himself as best he could.

Expecting to be entered immediately, he jumped when he felt a wet tongue brush over his captured hands. A few seconds later, the scarf was untied, and more licks were bestowed on his rear. Wandering hands drifted over his calves, feet, legs, petting and soothing as they went. Unwillingly, his level of excitement dropped, and he rested passively under Jim's roaming explorations.

Just as unexpectedly as he began, Jim stopped, slipped two lubed fingers into Blair's body and began twisting and probing. Blair shouted, bucked, then starting backing onto the invading digits, trying to find a rhythm. He wailed when they were removed, and again when Jim fit the head of his cock to his asshole.

One shove, and Jim was buried in him, a heave, and Jim was balanced on the rim, only teasing the entrance. Again, Blair was impaled, then released. Again. Jim slammed in, hands locked on Blair's upper thighs, and held it, screaming as he sent his seed into Blair.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no," Blair cried helplessly, not close enough to climax to finish without help. Instinctively, he clenched inner muscles, hoping to derive satisfaction, but was denied even the possibility as Jim withdrew completely.

Shaking, tears of frustration seeping down his cheeks, he fell to his side and curled fetally. He could hear Jim's heavy breathing, and feel a hand on one flank. Reaching inside himself, he focused, trying to flow with the shaking and calm himself. Before he could succeed, Jim fit himself along Blair's back, close but not touching, and buried his nose in the curls at the base of his neck.

"Need something, little whore?" he murmured.

Blair couldn't stop the sob, but managed "I'm dying here, man." with a touch of humor in the tone.

Jim stretched a long arm and snagged the dildo that he had abandoned earlier. Stiffening, Blair tucked his feet up against his bottom. "No!" he yelped.

"Why not? Any port in a storm, so to speak." Jim bit behind Blair's ear, and draped an arm over him to tweak a nipple. Gasping, Blair writhed back into his lover, but Jim inched away from the contact. "Why not?" he asked again.

"Cause it's not you! Jesus, Jim! You fit into me like you belong there, and fill me with part of your life. That thing's just a plastic enema, as far as I'm concerned!" Panting, Blair rolled until he could face him. "If you don't want to bring me off with your hand or mouth, OK, ok, already. I can wait until you can get it up again - if I don't die of a heart attack first."

Jim smoothed Blair's hair away from his face, smiling tenderly. Apropos of nothing, he said, "Someone said once that the only place you can truly be free is in your own head. Naked, tied up, collared, in the most vulnerable position in the world - and you're as free in your own mind as if you were on expedition in a jungle."

Puzzled, Blair opened his mouth to ask a question, only to have Jim fill it with a sweet, sweet kiss. Coaxing, tender, he invited Blair to probe his mouth in return, sweeping over and under the dancing muscle in liquid ballet.

When Blair began moaning again, he wrapped both arms around the smaller man and turned until Blair was on top, laying full length on him. With a muffled curse, he undid the belt hanging almost forgotten from Blair's throat - it was between them and he wouldn't suffer that - and threw it away. With a wriggle, Blair brought the near agony of his need into the crevasse between Jim's legs, making small cries of delight as he did.

"Where did that come from?" he asked in surprise as he found Jim's waiting erection.

Jim ground up into him. "Never went away," he answered distractedly. "Gawd, what you do to me, Chief."

"Oh!" was all Blair said, then he repeated himself, "OH!" as he shallowly slid into Jim's slick canal. Finding one of Jim's nipples, he latched onto it, biting it in time to his thrusts. Jim wound his legs around Blair's waist, allowing him deep penetration. It was the last straw Blair needed for relief. With a hoarse bellow, he shot into the incredible heat.

To his amazement, it only took the edge off. He kept pumping, feeling the quiver in the legs surrounding him, but unable to stop. "Babe," Jim started.

"Don't ask me to stop." Blair pleaded, trying to get leverage to get in deeper and harder. "I gotta come, your little whore has to have more, more please, more..."

Jim interrupted him by bodily lifting him off and scooting away. Before Blair had time for more than one cry of disappointment, Jim had unlocked the handcuffs, picked him up and laid him flat on his back, bottom resting on Jim's thighs.

Fitting himself to the rosy little hole, Jim bent over Blair and thrust hard, filling him in one stroke. "GOOD! Good, good, good." Blair chanted.

Jim picked up speed and force, making Blair cling to him to keep them together. "Anything I want, babe?" he growled, and bit Blair on the throat hard enough to draw blood.

"YES!" Blair sobbed, panting.

"Any way I want it?"

"Oh, gods, gods, yes."

Jim sat back on his heels, taking Blair with him, dropping him down on his cock, then picking him up by the bottom to drop him again. As he was being lifted again, Blair opened his eyes to stare at Jim and said in an oddly calm voice. "Jim, I'm going to scream. Loud."

"Make it my name, babe, and I'll come with you."

Blair did as he was told, and Jim kept his promise.
 
 

He woke some indefinite time later in a tangle of arms and legs with Jim. His lover still had one hand buried in his hair, face in the curve of Blair's shoulder. Cautiously, Blair inched away. The big man woke instantly and closed those few inches.

"Time for goodbye, already, Chief?" he asked sadly, refusing to lift his head to look at him.

Now or never, Blair thought. "Jim, if you leave me, I think it will kill me."

"A little melodramatic there, babe. Contrary to popular belief, no one dies of a broken heart."

"But you're not just my lover, Jim, you're my Sentinel. Remember when you were burned? The Amazing Sandburg, see all, tells all? Not just major things, but small ones too, like having a cup of coffee for you when you come through the door. "

Jim was quiet for a very long time. "Is that why I've felt like I was dying? Because you were trying to deny that?"

Blair choked a bit, refusing to cry. "There isn't a way to tell you how sorry I am for that stupidity. It.. scared me that we were connected so deeply. I've never had anybody count on me before; I'm so afraid of letting you down, I nearly did."

There were tears soaking his neck, and he shuddered, wishing there was a way to comfort Jim. "Blair, if I don't find the strength to leave now, I never will," Jim whispered brokenly. "I want you just for myself, forever. If you can't live with that, I have to know now. Maybe if we break this connection, here, now..."

"I don't want to!" Blair cried, losing his battle over tears. "I want forever from you, too. I have from the start. I just don't know how to."

Jim finally lifted his head and looked deep into Blair's eyes. "I don't either. I was just planning on going it one day at a time, trying to love you as much as possible. You kept shutting me out."

Blair reached up and palmed away the tear tracks on Jim's cheek. "Never again. You're mine and you need to know that. What do you need to hear? What do I need to do? Tell me; it's said or done."

With the pad of his finger, Jim captured one of the tears streaming down Blair's face and tasted it. He sighed deeply, caught a lock of hair and let it slide through his fingers. "Go undercover with me, the same way I was planning to. I don't know how we'll explain you," he smiled wryly. "Maybe you really will be my little whore, as far as anyone is concerned."

On a harsh intake of breath, Blair held himself still and thought for half a second. "Everyone would think I was dead, too. Even Mom?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Blair, be sure about this, or we will die, for real."

"I am." Blair dredged up a sickly smile. "Mind you, if we succeed, and live to tell about it, I want my damn dissertation finished. The work is important, Jim. There might be other Sentinels/Guides out there."

Jim laid his head on the middle of Blair's chest, and burst into soft, hiccuping sobs.

Frightened, Blair held him, alternately petting his short hair, and kissing the top of his head. He cried himself, wondering if he could live this new life with Jim, be a new person, and not destroy both of them in the effort.

Eventually, Jim wore down, nothing left but a few hitches in his breathing to tell of his emotion. Shakily, he stood, offering a hand as he did. Blair took it, kissed the back of it, and starting looking around for his pants.

"Blair."

"Yeah, babe?"

"Let's go home."

Recovering his jeans, Blair stood to put them on, but paused to look up at his partner. "Do we have time before we need to make your meet?"

With a guilty expression on his face, Jim confessed. "There is no way in hell I'd let you get involved in that mess. My only reason was to get myself killed while doing something useful."

"Wait a minute, wait a minute here," Blair bounced on the balls of his feet. "You had no intention of taking me under. You asked to see if I'd go?"

Obviously bracing himself for a bad reaction, Jim nodded.

"Cool. Does this mean I passed?"

"Huh? You lost me there, Chief."

"It was a test, right, to make sure I meant it when I told you forever?"

Carefully, Jim nodded again.

"In fact, this whole damn thing was a test, wasn't it? Handcuffs, not letting me get off, that ridiculous toy - which you have *got* to explain to me, I can't see Carolyn playing with that thing - all of it was a test."

Thoughtfully this time, Jim nodded.

"So, did I pass?"

"Straight A's, Teach. Straight A's"

"Good. Will there be more? I have some ideas..."

With a bellow of laughter, Jim cut him off, sweeping him up to spin him in a circle. "Come on, lover, I want to go home. If your tests are as tiring as your lessons, I'll need some rest."

The End