It all boils-down to Reason and Passion, actually. That's what all of Life seems to be about...the battle between rationality and irrationality...between judgement and appetite...between direction and speed...between rational self-interest and love.
A sailboat without a rudder would wander aimlessly in the wind. A sailboat without a sail could be steered, but it wouldn't go anywhere.
Sitting in my Corvette with my hands on the wheel, but without my foot on the accelerator, I'm just idling the engine. But with the pedal-to-the-floor and no hands on the wheel, I'm streaking to disaster.
Reason, ruling by itself, is just a confining force...holding things together, keeping things in, directing through Time. And Passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.
So, we need a balance of both...good sense to direct us...and intensity, motivation, or any other passion to drive us.
I think this lesson comes with experience...with maturity...and, while Justin occasionally shows great sparks of maturity, he still turns his passion loose sometimes without thinking of the consequences.
And I probably err in the other direction…thinking things out too well...planning and negotiating and guiding while keeping the passion in-check. Some of my "passions" are totally rational, of course. (Clearing my throat.) The "balance" lies somewhere in-between, probably.
For Ethan, music is his Passion, and success is his Reason. Although I respect Ethan for his hard-work and musical-genius, I don't really give a shit about his career. But if he makes the wrong decision...to pass-up the contract... it will hurt Justin, too. A huge self-sacrifice on Ethan's part is no foundation for a good relationship. "There's nothing noble about being poor." Who was it who said "I've been Rich; I've been poor; Rich is better"? Whenever there's a problem, Ethan's huge sacrifice will be remembered and mentioned. No,... one person cannot grow at the expense of another. And Justin needs to learn this. "You expect him to sacrifice his career for a piece of blonde boy-ass?" I said.
I didn't mean to hurt him. The look on his face, when I said it, was enough to break my heart. But sometimes the Truth hurts. And we grow from it. Justin needs to understand WHY Ethan would never be happy if he gave up this opportunity. Romance, or "love," never makes sense. But without some rationality to guide it, it leads to big trouble. And I should know. Sometimes I can be too blunt with my honesty... but people know I'll only say what I truly believe. I just have the honesty, the abrasiveness, and the balls to say it. Perhaps it's self-serving to split them up. I admit it. It's just that, what may be best for Justin may turn out to be good for me, too.
And suddenly the old Passion-versus-Reason battle is raging on my home-turf, too... the clash between my lifestyle and my professional development, just like Ethan's. My drive for success... my urge to develop the perfect ad campaign…and my passion for winning are suddenly in opposition to what I know will be hurtful for me and for the people I care about. I believe in playing their game to MY advantage... but sometimes it's hard to define "my advantage." I can make Jim Stockwell into a winner... but do I really want to?
Justin
So I went with Ethan to the Heifetz competition. He was so nervous. He wouldn't even let me sit out front in the audience because he wanted me backstage near him. He said he wanted to be able to see my face while he played. That made me feel so good. . . so important . . . so needed. Brian never made me feel like that when we were together. Brian. . . . Shit! There I go again thinking about him. Will I ever stop comparing everything to Brian?
Ethan didn't win. I fucking couldn't believe it. He played so brilliantly. God, he was devastated. He tried not to show it too much but the look on his face gave him away. I felt so bad for him. I could see the pain in his eyes and after he worked so hard.
Some guy. A talent agent, came up to us and said he thought Ethan had a lot of potential as a marketable artist. The guy made Ethan sound like some sort of commodity like a piece of merchandise. I guess in the music world that's sorta what you are. Of course there was a catch. There's always a catch. The agent told Ethan that if he signed with them he couldn't be out and that our relationship would have to be secret. Ethan and I went for a walk and talked about it. I want him to be successful but where does it leave us? "I came out of the closet once. I'm not going back in." That's what I told him. Maybe I'm being selfish or a drama princess. That's what Brian always called me whenever I got upset. But I just don't think it's right for either one of us to have to live a lie. And I don't want to be Ethan's little secret. Anyway, Ethan said he turned the contract down because I meant more to him. I'm glad but I hope he doesn't regret it later on.
I can't help but laugh about Michael. The girls were in the diner telling Deb how he couldn't whack off at the sperm clinic. It was all I could do to keep from busting out laughing. He's such a loser. Never have understood why Brian would have such a dork for a best friend. Brian came in and said he's signed this homophobe who's running for mayor as a client. Deb and the girls acted all shocked but not me. Nothing Brian does would surprise me especially when it comes to money and success. They were bragging to him about how Ethan turned down a big contract for me. He just gave me one of those glares of his that always makes me feel vulnerable and exposed and said "there's nothing noble about being poor." That is so Brian.
I came home and found candles lit everywhere and Ethan waiting for me with a chilled bottle of champagne. He said we were celebrating. Then he dropped the bombshell. "I signed the contract". Somehow I knew when I walked in but the words still stung. I tried not to let him see how upset I was. "What made you change your mind?" I asked. He babbled something which just went in one ear and out the other I was so upset. "Besides, there's nothing noble about being poor." It was like a bomb went off in my head. I knew what had changed his mind. More like I knew WHO changed it. Fucking Brian. I could feel the rage surging through every vein in my body. Who the fuck does he think he is sticking his nose into mine and Ethan's business?
I found him in the backroom at Babylon. Where else would he be? There he was leaning against the wall with some twink sucking his cock. "Fuck off" I screamed at the guy. Brian just stood there and looked at me with this smug look on his face. I don't think I've ever been so angry at him. He's hurt me, made me cry. But I don't ever remember feeling so much anger towards him. So I started in on him. Then it came. The big blow. "Do you think he'd give up everything he's worked for just for a piece of blond boy-ass? Well think again, Sunshine." So that's all he thinks I am. A blond piece of boy-ass. I guess that's all I ever was to him. I told Mikey when he first confronted me about Ethan that Brian didn't love me. He just fucked me. And I guess I was right. And the condescending way he called me Sunshine. Standing there in that back room with his dick out and that self-satisfied smirk on his face. I felt like a piece of dirt. A worthless piece of boy-ass. That's all I am to Brian. All I ever was and all I'll ever be. Fuck him Why did he do it? His way of getting back at me for walking out on him I guess. Why else would he hurt me like this? God I hate him so much right now. Because of him my life with Ethan will never be the same. Fuck you, Brian Kinney. Fuck YOU!
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