Numbness.
Alone in this bed……can't sleep. My old buddy, Jim Beam, has put me to bed, but the memories just won't go away. Sure,……drugs and alcohol can dull my senses. Old movies, spending money, dancing, and excessive exercise can take my mind off of it for a little while. Tricking, long showers, web-porn, phone-sex, sex parties, and the Baths can satisfy the urges temporarily. Nipple clamps and scarfing can overcome or distract the truly intense feelings. But I just can't stop thinking about Justin……and how much I miss him. Loneliness is compelling; sometimes I don't trust myself to be alone……and Mikey's constant, comfortable companionship can keep me from doing something really stupid. "What kind of pathetic troll are you?" I said to that anonymous guy on the phone. But I was the equally-pathetic guy on the other end of the line.
I miss him, I admit it. It's bad-enough that he's not here. But it was even worse when I saw him at the diner……or at Lindsay's and Mel's party. His visit to the loft today brought back so many memories I could hardly look at him……or make a complete sentence. It made what we had together seem so remotely in-the-past.
I made the agreement about paying his tuition when I was his lover……so he could continue his schooling……so he wouldn't need to sell himself or to dance until the wee hours. I admired his creativity and maturity. I wanted to give him a degree of security and a pathway to independence.
But today, I used the "A-deal-is-a-deal" argument to explain why I would continue to pay his tuition, despite his hesitancy to accept it. And, while I agree that a man is judged by his integrity……by keeping his promises and honoring his agreements……my motivation was partly selfish. If he borrows the money for his tuition and he plans to pay it back, then it's one way I can maintain a bond with him…….not with an intent to control, but simply with the wish to be involved in his life. I can't let him go.
And I reminded him that he had a way to be independent……a way to make money. But there's a double payoff; Rage will not only benefit him, it will fulfill Mikey's dream, too.
Perhaps it's his youth……but he has a way of forgetting his agreements. Well, perhaps "agreements" is too strong a word for our "arrangement". They were more like the boundaries that would make him comfortable. No kissing anyone on the mouth, but me. No phone numbers or names. No second fucks. And always home by 2:00……or 4:00……or, I guess we agreed on 3:00. But these boundaries were established for his comfort, not mine. I didn't mind him kissing the kid at Daphne's party. If I had shown anger about his violation of "the rules," it would have shown that I gave a shit. No, that wasn't what caused the problem……it was when I realized I wasn't enough to satisfy him that things began to unravel……the walls came up because I knew what was gonna happen……so rather than prolonging the inevitable, I gave him a shove and I began the damage-control and pain-management again. A deal's a deal, even when things change……but promises un-met lead to regret.
The computer was a "no-brainer." He needs it for his work. I bought it as a gift. I could learn to use it, but I'd never be able to use it with the artistic creativity he has. So it was his.
And I'm lying here thinking about the things I've been specifically trying to avoid thinking about! It's time to pour another……and to shut off the fucking blue lights.
Justin
Everything is still so weird. Just being in the room with Brian makes me feel strange. When he walks into the diner I get butterflies in my stomach. I can feel the tremor in my hand coming back. And I just don't know what to say to Deb and the gang. I mean She and the girls have been really sweet to me since the break-up and they're really nice to Ethan. But I still feel uncomfortable around them. It's just hard to explain. And Michael. He never shuts his stupid mouth or misses an opportunity to butt in. He actually had the nerve to approach me about continuing with Rage. And he insinuated that I used Brian just to get money and financial support from him. What a fucking asshole he is. I told him I don't want anything to do with Rage OR him.
Speaking of money, I thought I was going to have to drop out of school. There's no way I can afford the tuition and Mom can't afford it now that she has Molly to take care of alone. Daph almost hit the roof when I told her. I don't know what's up with her. She won't even give Ethan a chance. She's very cold to him and is constantly bringing up Brian. Mom seems to really like him though. He can really turn on the charm. Of course, Mom had to mention Brian as well. Why can't everyone accept the fact that I'm with Ethan now? Every time someone brings him up it just makes me think of how painful it was to leave him and of all the bullshit.
Mom suggested I go see Dad about helping out with tuition. I didn't want to. He turned his back on me long ago. But I swallowed my pride and went to his place. His new girlfriend was there. Boy was that fucking weird seeing him with someone besides Mom. I thought just maybe he'd changed and come to accept having a gay son. I should have known better. I told him I was proud of the man I was. At least Mom can't say I didn't make the effort. But I'll never make that mistake again.
Ethan went with me to the registrar's office to see if I could get an extension on paying my tuition. But it had been paid. Ethan just assumed Dad changed his mind and I let him think it. But I knew. I knew who it was. When I arrived at the loft he was sitting there watching some old Marlon Brando movie. I hovered in the doorway not sure if I should go in or not. He just barked at me to come in without ever looking away from the t.v. screen. "There's no one here if that's what you're thinking" he said in a tone that was both defensive and sad. "For a change" I added. I wish I hadn't sounded so bitter but that's how I still feel. Bitter and angry at him because he wouldn't tell me he loved me. "New coffee table?" I asked just trying to ease some of the tension. "Must have cost a fortune." Then I told him I couldn't accept the money. We argued but he said " a deal's a deal". I guess he really does still care about me. He comes through for me when no one else does. That's why I feel so guilty about being pissed at him for driving me away. I remember telling him once that he couldn't push me away. It was one night late when I found him on the sofa drinking Jim Beam and fretting about being a shitty father to Gus. I remember kissing him gently and telling him I was killing him with kindness and that he couldn't push me away because "I'm on to you". But I did let him push me away. I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. Fuck me!
As I started to go he called to me that I had forgotten something. "Thank you" I said. "Not that, THAT! He nodded towards some boxes on the floor. "I packed it for you." It was the computer he bought me after the bashing. I told him I couldn't accept it but once again he shrugged my objections off. "You need it". He's right. I do need it. But I didn't feel quite right taking it. Or his money. But just try saying no to Brian Kinney about anything. I picked up the boxes and left. He pays my tuition, saves me from having to drop out but never once hardly looked at me. Never got up off the sofa. It was so tense. After all the months, days, hours being in that loft with him. Touching him, kissing him, feeling him inside me. And now just to stand there like a stranger afraid to even sit down. I could feel the cold sweat in my hands. So fucking weird.
After I left I got to thinking about what Brian said to me in the loft. "A deal's a deal". That was his reason for continuing to pay for school even after I walked out on him. And I remembered something else he told me once about how part of being a man was knowing when to accept help. Brian has always had that power over me to make me think. I don't know how he does it. Even though I couldn't live with his bullshit anymore I have to admit he has a lot of integrity about stuff like that. Most people don't see that quality in him. But I do. Anyway I thought about what he said and I remembered making a deal with Michael about Rage. Brian always says you shouldn't mix personal feelings with business. So I went to the comic book store and told Mikey I'd help him with Rage. I didn't do it for him. I know he hates me. But I just have a feeling it's the right thing to do and a way I can say "thank you" to Brian for all he's doing for me.
Brian. I keep wishing everyone will stop talking about him but I'm worse than any of them. I love Ethan and I want things to work out between us but somehow Brian is always lurking in my mind. Well I'd better start thinking of how I'm going to explain the computer and all. Ethan is sure to get pissed if he knows Brian is helping me. Oh well. I'll figure out something I guess.
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