The Queer-as-Folk Bar Guide

During my  introduction to the QAF chat-groups, I found a unique "niche" as bartender for a group of rowdy chatters.  During Season 1, I invented numerous cocktails related to the show... and many of us would try them out on a Sunday night before the show.  During Season 2, I added a few more.  There's nothing from Season 3, so far.  (Season 3 had me back to drinking the hard-stuff, I think.)  So here they are...for your enjoyment.  Let me know if you try any of them.  And, if you have any suggestions for new drinks, send them along.

BRIAN'S CREATINE-SOY SHAKE (non-alcoholic, for breakfast) 2 cups skim milk 1 scoop (1 ounce) Soy Shake mix, Chocolate or Vanilla (one brand is Carbolite) 1-1/2 teaspoon (5 grams) creatine monohydrate 1/2 banana 3 ice cubes Combine all ingredients in blender.  Whip to a thick, icy froth. Ideal breakfast for a man-on-the-move...quick, nutritious, and performance-enhancing.  Who needs real food that takes time to prepare or eat?  (It would taste even better if made by a cute, blond 17-year-old.) HELLO SUNSHINE! [A Sunshine Cocktail already exists, so here's a variation] 1 1/2 ounce Gin 3/4 ounce Sweet vermouth 1 dash bitters 1 teaspoon orange blossom water Twist of orange peel Champagne, Sec Combine gin, sweet vermouth, bitters, and orange blossom water with ice cubes in cocktail mixer.  Stir to combine.  Strain into tall Champagne flute.  Drop the orange peel into the bottom of the glass and fill the glass with Champagne. [Think of a perky, smiling, blond 17-year-old when you sip this...and you'll smile too.] BEEFY BRUTAL TOP 2 1/2 ounces vodka 5 ounces chilled beef bouillon (canned) 1 dash (very hot) pepper sauce 1/8 teaspoon black pepper Dark beer with a good head (Guinness?) Salt to taste Combine vodka, bouillon, pepper sauce, and black pepper with ice cubes in a shaker.  Shake to mix.  Strain into tall glass or mug.  Add sufficient beer to fill glass. A drink that is not for the faint-of-heart... it has been known to turn Tops to bottoms after only a few. NELLY BOTTOM (a Pink Lady...with a "twist") 1 ounce vodka 1 Tablespoon Grenadine 2 Tablespoons heavy cream 1 teaspoon Meringue powder (egg white and sugar) 1 long, thin, twisted piece of lemon peel [Optional:  other assorted fruit and flowers] Combine vodka, Grenadine, cream, and meringue powder in shaker with shaved ice; shake to a froth.  Strain into festive glass. Decorate with peel, fruit, and flowers. X-HALE SLOWLY [The "official" QAF cool-down beverage] 1 1/2 ounces gin (or vodka) 1/2 ounce Blue Curacao 1/2 ounce white Creme de Menthe 1 black peppercorn, crushed Combine gin, Curacao, and creme de menthe in a cocktail shaker with shaved ice.  Shake to combine, then strain into a tall, thin-stemmed Martini glass. Add the crushed pepper corn.  [Looks best when illuminated by cool, blue florescent lights.]  Sip gently... swallow, and exhale slowly. ONE-NIGHT-STAND [Enjoy it tonight, because tomorrow you won't remember it!] 3 ounces dark Rum 1 ounce Triple Sec 3 ounces heavy cream Carbonated water Place a few ice cubes in a tall glass.  Add the rum, Triple Sec, and cream; stir. Fill glass with carbonated water. Stir to combine.  Lean back.  Close your eyes.  Enjoy. SEX-ON-THE-FLOOR (...upon finding Brian Kinney alone, drinking Jack Daniels;  Episode 111) 2 ounces Jack Daniels whiskey (or rum, as originally suggested) 4 ounces guava juice (Hanson and Kern's) 7-up Fill a tall tumbler with ice cubes.  Add the Jack Daniels and Guava Juice. Fill the glass with chilled 7-Up. First it sends chills down your spine, then it makes you sweat... just like Brian. BLACK LEATHER 1 1/4 ounce Romana Black Sambuca 1 1/4 ounces Jack Daniels few drops of squid ink (optional) Chill a martini glass and the Black Sambuca in the freezer.  Mix the Sambuca and Jack Daniels and pour into the prepared glass. (If you layer these two ingredients... first the Sambuca, then the whiskey, the result in a "Black Kentucky Cocktail") To make it REALLY black, you can add a few drops of squid ink available from an Italian grocery store or specialty food shop. For a special occasion, add a chrome-studded, black-leather cockring to the stem of each glass... for later use. HEARTLESS BASTARD? (The official Brian Kinney cocktail. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to lick Brian's pecs? Or to let your tongue trace a trail down the cleft between his abs? Or...well, use your imagination.  TRUST ME, FOLKS... this seems odd, but it's wonderful!) one tiny 'spritz' of Calvin [eud de toilette spray vaporisateur] 2 1/2 oz. vodka (the best available, and highest proof) pinch of salt tiny pinch of cumin (less than 1/16 teaspoon) small pinch of Chicken bouillon crystals 1 Tablespoon guava juice 3 drops Amyl Nitrate First, prepare the glass. Use either a martini glass, a wide-mouthed wine glass, or a delicate tumbler, something with lots of aroma-exposure... preferably clear, handblown, Italian glass.  Spray one tiny spritz (as little as possible) of Calvin into the glass, then let it sit undisturbed for 5 minutes while the highly-volatile ingredients evaporate. (Don't worry... there will be plenty.) Meanwhile, mix the vodka, salt, cumin, bouillon, and guava juice (at room temperature) in another glass. Swirl to mix. Add the drops of amyl nitrate, swirl, then quickly pour the drink into the prepared glass.  Drink it in the following manner:  head back, open your mouth wide with tongue protruding... pour a little onto your tongue... let it trickle into your throat... then inhale deeply... then swallow.  Imagine warm, smooth skin... firm hands on the back of your neck propelling you downward... thrusting urgency... then erupting satisfaction. This drink sounds strange. It's not cold...or hot. It's not complicated. It's meant to duplicate an experience, not set a mood. Its pleasure lingers long after the initial 'zing.'  It is not a cocktail; it is an indelible memory. It is a tribute to Brian himself. SECOND SEASON!!! (Let's celebrate!)  Remember when we wondered whethere there would be a second season? 2 ounces gin 2 ounces Midori 2 Tablespoon lemon juice Champagne, chilled Melon balls, orange slice, maraschino cherry as garnish. Add the gin, Midori, and lemon juice to a cocktail shaker half-filled with ice; shake and strain into a Pilsner glass.  Fill the glass with champagne. Garnish with fruit. This will also make a great P-town seaside beverage... just retain the ice and serve it in a tall Collins glass. Or increase the proportions and serve it in a large punchbowl. SLOW FUCK (A hot version of a "Back Burner"... I think that's an appropriate pun!) 2 ounces Tequila 1/2 ounce Galliano 6 ounces hot chocolate (as hot as you can stand.  GRIN!) sweetened whipped cream...possible flavored with a few drops of Tequila Combine the tequila and Galliano in an Irish Coffee Mug.  Prepare the hot chocolate and add it to the mug, boiling hot.  Add a dollop of tequila-flavored whipped cream.  Make it last as long as possible, despite the urge to finish it quickly. RIM-JOB 1 1/2 ounces Kahlua 2 Tablespoon dark corn syrup (or Black-strap molasses) 1 Tablespoon finely crushed hazel nuts Combine ingredients in a small glass and stir to combine.  To serve, pour a teaspoon-full into the palm of your hand...or someone else's hand... (or... use your imagination!) and lick it off.  This is perhaps enough to last an entire evening. SEXYBOY (The Official Justin Cocktail... a creamy version of a "Ripe Cherry"... loaded with symbolism!) powdered sugar 1 1/2 ounces vodka 1/2 ounce brandy 1/2 ounce cherry brandy (plus a bit more) 1 ounce heavy cream 1 maraschino cherry Moisten the rim of an oversized Martini glass with cherry brandy; invert and dip into a saucer of powdered sugar to coat the rim. Combine the vodka, brandy, and cherry brandy with shaved ice in a cocktail shaker. Shake to mix.  Add the cream.  Stir to mix, then strain into the prepared glass being careful not to disturb the sugared rim.  Add the cherry. Obviously, you search for, and eat, the cherry first... then proceed to enjoy the rest of the drink.  DEEP-THROAT (or TONGUE-KISS...depending upon what you want in your mouth) 1 1/4 ounces white creme de cacao 1 1/4 ounces sloe gin 1 1/4 ounces brandy 1 1/4 ounces heavy cream Use a narrow 5-ounce stemmed glass with vertical sides if possible.  Pour the ingredients, in the order given, into the glass; pour gently down the side or let the liquor flow down a glass stirring rod so the layers don't mix. [If your glass is the right size, you can use your tongue to penetrate deep into the glass to sip the first two layers... then let the remainder slide slowly down your throat like a warm cum-load.] Who knew that drinking could be such an erotic experience? JUSTIN'S DOUBLE MARGARITA (Why make two, when one will do?) 3 ounces Tequila 1 ounce Triple Sec 1 ounce lime juice (fresh-squeezed, preferably with an Alessi Juicer by Philippe Starck) coarse salt lemon peel First pre-chill the glass... an oversized classic, crystal Margarita glass. Rub the rim with the zest-side of a piece of lemon peel, not the juicy side. Invert and dip the rim into a saucer of coarse sea salt; shake off excess.  Shake the tequila, triple sec, and lime juice with plenty of ice; drain into prepared glass.  [There's a rumor that margaritas give your cum a particularly pleasant taste.... and, of course, there's no hangover in the morning.] COSMOPOLITAN COCKTAIL (It's about as cosmopolitan as you can get in Pittsburgh) 1 1/4 ounces Absolut Citron vodka (about 2 1/2 tablespoons) 1/4 ounce Rose's lime juice (about 3/4 tablespoon) 1/4 ounce triple sec or Cointreau (about 3/4 tablespoon) 1/4 cup cranberry juice 1 cup ice cubes Garnish: lime twist In a cocktail shaker combine all ingredients. Shake well and strain into a Martini glass. Garnish drink with lime.  (It's pretty; it's red; it's alcoholic; it's Pittsburgh) CAPTAIN ASTRO [Tall and fruity.... but robust] 1 Tablespoon Grenadine 1 Tablespoon banana liqueur 2 ounces mango nectar 3/4 ounce dark rum pineapple juice 1 1/2 ounces white rum (high proof) Use a tall pilsner glass... narrow waist, broad shoulders.  Add grenadine and banana liqueur.  Fill the glass with crushed ice. In a separate glass, mix the mango nectar and dark rum; then pour slowly over ice.  Fill the glass almost to the top with pineapple juice.  Add (without mixing) a layer of the white rum.  Insert a long straw to the bottom of the glass.  Drink it using the straw; the "kick" comes at the end...POW, ZAP! (To be authentic, you should figure out some way to add a navy-blue cape; I used a piece of blue plastic draped over the edge of the glass.)