Title: Control Issues
Author: Penemuel
Posted: it is now...
Archive: Sure, just let me know where if other than list archive
Part: 6/?
Pairing: Josh Lyman/Sam Seaborn; references to John Hoynes/Josh Lyman
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: References to consensual BDSM
Notes: None, really, this time.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm just playing with them for a 
while and will give them back when done. They might be a little sticky, 
though.

Control Issues
by Penemuel

Part 6
	I didn't see Josh until I got to the office the next morning, running 
into him entering the office as I came in with my prerequisite huge cup of 
coffee. He looked surprisingly well-rested, but he was wearing the same suit 
he'd had on yesterday. Not exactly the kind of thing male co-workers were 
supposed to notice, but I always did...
	"Hey," I greeted him softly as I walked past him. I went straight to 
his office instead of returning to mine, and I could hear him telling Donna 
he'd catch up with things in a moment. Then he followed me and smiled somewhat 
wanly when he found me sitting on the edge of his desk.
	"Hey," he said quietly, sniffing the air as I blew on the hot coffee. 
"What flavour today?"
	"Vanilla toffee," I answered with a grin. Josh had a tendency to laugh 
at my liking for gourmet coffees -- to him, coffee was coffee as long as it 
was strong enough to keep him awake. Today, though, he actually seemed 
interested.
	"Smells good..." he murmured, dropping his backpack into a chair and 
shuffling through his inbox to make sure there were no surprises.
	"You never made it back to your place, did you?" I asked, already 
knowing the answer would be no. I knew he hadn't spent the night *here*, and I 
was praying he hadn't spent all night in some office on the Hill. Maybe he 
went home with one of the Democrats on the committee he'd been meeting with 
all damned evening...
	He looked down at himself and gave me a little self-deprecating shrug. 
"I'm going to change," he promised, checking his watch to see if there was 
enough time before Senior Staff.
	I checked my own watch and nodded, "Hurry up, and I'll let them know 
you're right behind me."
	He pulled off his tie and was shrugging out of his jacket as I turned 
away and shut his blinds. My hand was on the doorknob as he started 
unfastening his trousers and I found myself turning back, smiling, and 
watching as he began sliding them down. "Sam, we'll both be late..." he 
warned.
	"Sorry -- got distracted," I answered with a smile. I wanted to stay 
and watch him strip, but he was right, I really had to get into the meeting 
and let them know he was on his way. Reluctantly, I left, wondering if I was 
imagining the look of relief that briefly crossed his face as I closed his 
door again on the way out -- or was it merely that he'd managed to get the 
pants off over his shoes without killing himself?

	The meeting went as they usually do, too many people talking at once 
and too many things to cram into an already busy day. It never even registered 
that when Josh joined us, he remained standing throughout the entire meeting, 
leaning on the back of the couch directly behind me -- I looked up at him and 
smiled when I first felt him back there, but the discussion of the budget and 
other outstanding matters got me so involved I really didn't think about it 
until later.
	Later... I had been working on fleshing out some of the arguments 
against 'don't ask, don't tell' when I realized I was starving. Toby was out 
in a meeting, but I heard what sounded like Donna harassing Josh about 
something. I figured I'd grab him and we'd get a quick lunch before I ate my 
laptop. As I headed for Josh's office, I heard Donna ask, "Are you going to 
sit down at all today? You're making me dizzy! Oh -- the Vice President wanted 
to know if you're available for lunch."
	I stopped in the doorway and said, "Actually, I was just about to ask 
if you wanted to get something with me, Josh." Donna spun to look at me, but 
my attention was focused on Josh -- you know the way cats look when they've 
done something wrong and they're pretending to be innocent? That was the look 
he gave me -- and then the colour drained from his face.
	"Ah-- Donna, can you get us a couple of salads, and tell the Vice 
President I --uh-- I'm gonna eat lunch here today? Thanks..."
	I smiled at her as she walked out, and I could swear she'd muttered 
something about Josh being weird, as if that were news to me... And then she 
left the office and closed the door on the way out, and I looked up at Josh 
again. "What's up?"
	"Nothing!" he denied too quickly. Wonderful...
	"Why's Hoynes asking you to lunch, Josh?" I knew I shouldn't be, but 
the thought of Hoynes going after my Josh was making me supremely jealous all 
of a sudden. Let him play his little power games with Leo and let the 
President have to deal with it; I wanted him away from Josh. "Is he harassing 
you?"
	"What?" Josh asked, stopping what he was doing and staring at me. "No! 
No -- he's not harassing me..." And then he trailed off and went thoughtful on 
me. I could tell he was trying to make his mind up about something. Suddenly I 
could feel my heart thumping in my chest and my throat constricting -- 
nervousness made me feel lightheaded and I leaned against his desk to steady 
myself. He studied his desk for a long moment, then looked up at me again. The 
look in his eyes...
	"Oh no, Josh..."
	"I ran into him jogging during lunch, and he asked me to have dinner 
with him. So I did, then I had to go back to the meeting..." he started, then 
he took a deep breath and dove into the next part of it, "When it finally let 
out, he was waiting for me with his car..."
	"He's stalking you?!" I blurted before I could stop myself. I felt 
like an idiot the second the words left my mouth, but I swear that was what it 
sounded like...
	"No," he answered, "he's not -- Sam, he knew how long the damned 
meeting went -- he's been there too, you know... He offered to have them drive 
me home--"
	"And instead you went to his place!" Oh god -- I was yelling...
	"Sam, I'm sorry--"
	"When you called me yesterday evening you were with him, weren't you! 
You said you--" My throat closed and I choked on the next word. I swallowed 
and took a deep breath, realizing something else while I was trying to make my 
body remember how to speak. "He was *waiting* for you? Do you realize how that 
*sounds*, Josh? He went out of his way to run into you -- he *is* stalking 
you! You've got to stay away from him -- he's dangerous!"
	"God, Sam, he's *not* dangerous! He just... Oh god, I am *so* sorry. I 
should never have-- Sam, I never intended to actually *do* anything. I was 
going to just crash at his place, and then he..."
	"You didn't intend to do anything, but he sure as hell was planning 
something!" I snapped, looking up at him and trying to ignore the stinging in 
my eyes. Damn it, I was *not* going to *cry*! "Josh, he was *waiting* *for* 
*you*!"
	"Sam, I'm sorry..." he whispered. He shook his head and said, "I 
really fucked up."
	"You really fucked something," I said, torn between jealousy, anger, 
and a deep-seated *fear*. Everything had been so good, and all of a sudden it 
was crashing down around my ears again -- and worse than the fact that I 
suddenly felt I could lose Josh to Hoynes, there was the nagging feeling that 
Josh was actually in some kind of danger that I just couldn't name. The Vice 
President would never do something to jeopardize his position, and definitely 
not to jeopardize his chance to be President some day, but I just couldn't 
shake the feeling that he was dangerous.
	Josh stood before me, looking at me like he was about to get down on 
his knees and beg my forgiveness -- and the door suddenly opened, Donna 
backing into the room with her hands full of salads and bottled sodas. She 
stopped short when she saw us, and blinked owlishly as she looked from me to 
Josh and back. "Uh -- salads..."
	I walked to her and took mine, said, "Thanks, Donna. You can call the 
Vice President and tell him Josh's free for lunch after all," and then I 
walked past her and headed for my office without looking back.
	As I walked, I heard Donna ask, "What was *that*? Is something wrong? 
Joshua, what did you *do*?" Josh stammered something I couldn't hear, and then 
I shut my door. I put my salad and my soda very carefully down on my desk, and 
then I pounded my fist on the solid wood a few times, only stopping when I 
realized it hurt...
	I collapsed into my chair and stared numbly at the salad -- the 
rational part of my mind made a sudden reappearance as it dawned on me that if 
I lost Josh at this point, it would be my own fault. Storming out and telling 
Donna to go ahead and call the one person I wanted to keep as far away from 
Josh as possible wasn't exactly the smartest move I could have made. I had to 
get back in there and fix this before it was too late...
	Just as I reached for the doorknob, the door opened and I found myself 
face-to-face with Donna. She looked-- she looked angry, but under that I could 
see fear lighting her eyes. "Donna?"
	"I have to talk to you," she said resolutely, walking in. I had to 
back up before she walked right into me; suddenly realizing that was her 
intent. She wasn't about to let me out until she had said her piece...
	"Look," I began quietly, "Don't call Hoynes -- I was angry..."
	"You have to talk to him, Sam," she said softly. "You can't let 
this--"
	"What did he tell you?"
	"He's scared, Sam. He said he's ruined everything... you have to talk 
to him."
	"You know something," I accused.
	She shook her head, but I could see it in her eyes -- she did know 
something. "You're good for him, Sam. You care for him -- you take care of him 
as much as I do. He needs you... You have to talk to him..."
	"I'm angry, Donna. He told me--" I cut myself off, realizing I had no 
idea how much she really knew about Josh... "I thought he and I--"
	"Sam, please..."
	"He told me it was just once after the campaign," I said, the words 
coming out before I even really registered that it was happening. "I thought 
he -- I thought..." Damn it, now the tears were back and when I tried to blink 
them away, they spilled over. This wasn't supposed to happen!
	"Sam," she whispered, looking confused and a little embarrassed, "talk 
to him..." Awkwardly she reached out and patted my arm, nudging me towards the 
door. "Please..."
	I walked out of my office and headed for his, ignoring the curious 
look I knew Connie was giving me. I knew Donna walked over to her and 
distracted her with something -- I had no idea what, but again I had to thank 
her for her uncanny ability to do exactly what was needed when it was needed. 
And then I opened his door and slipped into his office, closing the door 
behind me.
	He'd been resting his head on folded arms on the top of his desk, but 
when I came in he looked up as if he'd been startled. "Sam!" he whispered, and 
I could see the tears in his eyes and hear them in his voice...
	Oh god -- even if he'd been a total idiot being with Hoynes, I 
couldn't bear to lose him! I just loved him too much... "Josh... I-- Donna's 
got more sense than the two of us put together, you know that?"
	"She called me a moron..." he murmured. "She never uses words like 
that -- she's gotta be really pissed at me..."
	"Well, you gotta admit..." I said before I could stop myself. I was 
still angry with him, but I didn't want to lose him -- especially not over 
something as stupid as this! I decided honesty was the best way to deal with 
this. "Josh, I'm angry at you for being with Hoynes, but I don't want to lose 
you -- I love you and I-- I need you..."
	"Sam... God, Sam, I'm *so* sorry! I was-- I let my dick do my thinking 
for me, and I made a huge mistake..." Josh said quietly. His eyes pleaded with 
me, and I felt my anger fading...
	And then my common sense took a walk. "Can I ask you a really personal 
question?"
	"Yeah..." he answered with slight nervousness.
	"Why Hoynes? What-- what does he do that I-- Why?" I couldn't bring 
myself to actually ask what I wanted to -- I realized suddenly that I was 
afraid of the answer. What did Hoynes have that I didn't?
	"Oh Sam..." Josh murmured, standing up and making an odd little pained 
noise. I looked up at him in shock -- he was *hurt*!
	"Josh? What's wrong?" I asked, rushing to his side. He waved me off, 
his face colouring and his gaze sliding away before I could meet his eyes. 
"Josh? Did he hurt you?!"
	"Sam, I'm sorry..." he whispered. "I-- you know how I am when I'm with 
you," he paused to sit back down, definitely grimacing when his butt touched 
the chair.
	"Yeah," I answered, rubbing his shoulder carefully. God, what the hell 
did Hoynes *do* to him?
	"Well, uhm... sometimes I kinda need to be-- different." He looked 
down and continued, "When you said you'd heard he was kind of a B&D type guy, 
you were right. He really gets off on it, and it kinda-- it makes me... I 
understand how you feel when you give up control to me..."
	"Oh." Yeah, that was bright, Sam. Now you know. You can't be rough to 
him so he goes somewhere else. You *had* to ask... "Josh, I--"
	"Oh Love," he whispered sadly, "I'm sorry... I can't ask you to be 
something you're not -- and it's not something I need all the time. It was 
just... He just-- I was putting my stuff down on his couch and when I turned 
around he was there. He kissed me and I-- I stopped thinking. And then he 
shoved me back against the door and I--"
	"Okay, I don't need to hear this, Josh," I warned. I was trying to 
figure it all out and failing miserably -- my lover wasn't getting everything 
he wanted from me and he was going to someone else for it. Someone who I was 
still convinced was dangerous to him, no matter how foolish that concern 
seemed. So Josh was more experienced with the receiving end of BDSM than I'd 
thought -- he still wasn't the type to realize when he was in over his head...
	"Sam -- I'm sorry, Love. I'd understand if you hate me..." he 
whispered. "I-- I kinda lose it with him..."
	"Josh, I don't hate you. I *couldn't* hate you..." I answered, turning 
his head to face me and looking into his eyes. "It scares me that you lose it 
with him though -- I still think he's dangerous to you and it scares me..."
	"Sam, he won't hurt me..." he whispered. He was so quiet I almost 
couldn't hear him.
	"Josh -- he *did* hurt you..."
	"Not in any way I didn't want..." he answered, ducking his gaze in 
shame. "I'm sorry..."
	"Oh Josh... Why didn't you ever tell me?" I could've *tried*...
	He smiled, a little self-deprecating smile that made me realize he was 
following my train of thought. "We switch, and you take me sometimes, and I 
love the way you make me feel when you do -- but I love taking you more, and 
the way you respond really, really turns me on." I could feel heat in my face, 
knew I was blushing now -- the quiet murmurs about our sex life were starting 
to make my body react... "But I know you, and I know you wouldn't be happy 
doing the things to me that he does."
	"We've never even tried..." I protested, painfully aware that his last 
sentence had completely deflated my improving mood.
	"Sam, Love," and now *he* was blushing, "there's a difference between 
spanking me and flogging me."
	"Jesus -- Josh!" I looked around, making sure the door was still shut, 
even though I knew it was, then whispered, "Is *that* what he's into? I 
thought it was just B&D and power games -- I never expected actual S&M..." I 
looked back at him and whispered, "Okay, you're right. I couldn't do it..."
	"And I don't want you to, either," he murmured, reaching up to stroke 
my cheek. "I love you just the way you are, Sam..."
	"Josh..." I said softly, touching his hand, "you know I'm still mad at 
you for being with him."
	He nodded and whispered, "I know. And I don't blame you -- you 
remember when you said I was too good to you? You're being way too good to me 
-- I don't deserve it..."
	I smiled sadly -- part of me was screaming that no, he didn't deserve 
it -- but after everything we'd been through, there was no way in hell that I 
was letting this ruin things for us! While a few minutes earlier I had been 
feeling crushed and helpless, my anger had pushed the helplessness away and 
left behind the grim determination to keep Hoynes from ruining our lives...
	He was *not* going to take my Josh away from me.
	I leaned forward and kissed Josh on the forehead, then whispered, "I 
still love you, even if you were an ass. I've got to get back to work, and 
I'll see you later... Your place tonight?"
	I could see the question in his eyes, 'That's it?' He'd been expecting 
more punishment, and perhaps I should have given him more, but somehow my 
brain had managed to rationalize this to the extent that someone else was the 
party to truly blame... So, all I answered his unspoken question with was a 
smile -- and finally he nodded, "Yeah, my place."
	Good.

	I was afraid it would be, but dinner wasn't too horribly awkward. The 
main problem came later -- after we'd settled down to watch a little tv and 
unwind before going to bed. I stretched out on Josh's couch and patted the 
space in front of me where he'd be able to fit if we squeezed close. For a 
moment, he looked supremely uneasy, until I whispered, "Josh, I forgive you... 
Maybe I'm being too nice, but I don't want this to ruin us. Please, sit down 
and snuggle with me?"
	He smiled, then, and joined me, although I noticed he sat very 
gingerly. That sent a little spark of anger through me again and I nearly said 
something; except that Josh was leaning back into me and it felt so good to 
have him snuggled with me that I didn't want to cause trouble. I wrapped my 
arms around him and pulled him close, sighing as he lay down on the couch 
against me; kissing him on the back of his fuzzy head.
	With a little bit of awkward maneuvering, Josh managed to turn over so 
he was facing me -- to make sure he didn't fall off the couch we pressed close 
together, and it felt so good to have him in my arms. He smiled at me and 
kissed me gently, then rested his head on my shoulder and whispered, "Sam, I'm 
sorry. I don't know what I'd do without this -- and there's *never* been 
anything like this with him. I wanted you to know that..."
	Uh... What on earth was I supposed to say to that? I'm glad? Well, I 
definitely *was* glad -- I'd be much more hurt if I knew he and Hoynes were 
doing more than just...fucking. But actually saying that I was glad just 
didn't feel right; felt somehow like I was gloating. Gloating seemed so much 
more like something Hoynes would be doing... I finally settled for a smile and 
a quiet whisper, "Thank you."
	It was the right things to say -- his eyes lit up and he smiled so 
sweetly at me it made my heart ache. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled 
him tight against me, kissing him and sighing as he pressed close, the evening 
news forgotten behind us. I maneuvered so that he was more on top of me and 
worked his shirt out of his waistband so I could slide my hands up underneath 
it. He slid a knee between my legs and sighed softly as I moved against it.
	"Sam -- want to move this to the bed?"
	"What's the matter, don't like making out on the couch anymore?" I 
joked. He burst out laughing and I grinned in response.
	"Well, if you want..." Josh said, wiggling his eyebrows, "I can work 
with this..."
	And then he licked down my throat and tickled my collarbone with the 
tip of his tongue -- I melted. I groaned and sighed and arched up into him, 
sliding my hands down his back to his ass, first rubbing my hands over his 
buttocks and then grabbing and squeezing.
	And he gasped. In pain.
	Instantly I let him go and looked at him in shock. "Josh? Did I hurt 
you?"
	"Ah-- I think I'm a little bruised..." he admitted quietly. He looked 
at me, sad and slightly ashamed. "I'm sorry..."
	"Let me see it," I said -- I know it came out more like an order than 
a request, but he nodded and climbed off me, then started to unbuckle his 
belt. This time I shook my head and said, "Wait -- let's go to the bedroom. 
You can lie down on the bed and I'll give you a backrub, after I see what he 
did to you."
	Josh smiled, but it was a pale imitation of his earlier one. Then he 
nodded and took my hand, leading me back to the bedroom. He stripped off the 
shirt, then turned his attention to taking off his pants. I took my eyes off 
him long enough to get out of my own clothes, then climbed onto the bed to 
wait for him.
	He finished undressing, then stood there, looking at me. Very softly 
he whispered, "It really doesn't hurt that much -- I have no idea what it 
looks like, though. Just so you know."
	"C'mon, Josh, get up here and let me see," I coaxed, seeing what 
looked like the glint of fear in his eyes. Whether it was fear of my reaction 
or fear of what I might see, I wasn't sure... And then he climbed onto the bed 
and lay face down, and my jaw dropped.
	Right then and there, I decided that I was going to *do* something 
about this -- Hoynes was not going to get away with what he'd done. I 
swallowed hard and took a deep breath, then carefully straddled him and began 
to give him a backrub. His muscles were knots, but gradually I managed to 
relax them -- by the time I was done, he was snoring softly into the pillow.
	I stood up and set the alarm clock, then returned to the bed and 
coaxed my sleeping Josh under the covers. He sort of woke up, at least enough 
to blink up at me and smile crookedly, then snuggle into the pillow and pull 
the covers up over his ear. I hurried to turn off the light, then slid into 
bed behind him and spooned up against him. And then I held him close and tried 
my damnedest not to cry...

To be continued...