TITLE: Penguins

AUTHOR: JeSSie Harris (Yes, I'm a girl, no my name isn't Jessica) & Claudia Solis

RATING: PG-13 (Bad language) CATEGORY: V

ARCHIVE: Anywhere, just let us know first and keep our names attached!

KEYWORDS: UST Parody

SPOILERS: None that we know of

SUMMARY: Mulder and Scully and the Bud Ice Penguins.

DISCLAIMER: "The X-Files" and the X-Files characters do NOT belong to us! They belong to our God... Chris Carter. The Bud Ice Penguins belong to Budweiser. And all other copyright characters do NOT belong to us! But the characters Dana and Eve (who are teenage best friends) BELONG TO US!!!!! though we won't get us as much money as the other people get for
their creations!

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This was a funny conversation we had that we made into a mini fanfic. It's a Parody and NOTHING is based on actual events. It is meant to be silly and has NO PLOT. It's supposed to be that way! And yes there are problems with tenses... but that is also done on purpose to add to the silliness and make it make less sense. ::Grin::

Penguins
by JeSSie Harris & Claudia Solis

Eve and Dana where sitting watching TV when they heard, "Doo Bee Doo Bee Doo!"

"There Back!" yelled Eve and Dana.

"THE PENGUINS ARE CHASING ME! HELP!!" yelled Dana as she faints. Eve hits penguin over head with a bud ice.

"There are 10 of them!!!!" said Dana as she faints again. A penguin comes up to Dana and takes her bud ice.

Eve brings out her pet polar bear. The polar bear eats nine penguins. The penguins attack the polar bear and take it's stash of beer.

Penguins: "DOO BEE DOO BEE DOO!!!" A giant penguin comes and it is bigger than the polar bear! Mulder and Scully walk in and shot the penguin in the ass!

Fade out:

Fade in:

The X files theme starts:

Fade to Mulder and Scully Interrogating Dana and Eve.

Mulder: "What are you're names?"

Eve: "My name is Eve, and this," pointing in the direction of her friend, "is Dana!"

Scully: "Aren't you two too young to be drinking?"

Dana: "Guess we are!?" Dana hiccups.

Eve: "Look, the commercials get to you!"

Mulder: "Tell me what just happened!"

Dana: "You mean the Penguins?"

Mulder nods his head.

Scully: "Penguin, that is absurd!" She shakes her head in disbelief.

Eve: "You where there!"

Dana: "Seeing is believing, and you saw it!!"

Mulder: Looking at Eve and Dana. "They're right!"

Dana takes a drink of her Bud Ice.

Scully: "Miss," She looks at Dana, "give me that!"

Dana's mouth is full of beer, "U, ah. No!"

Dana and Scully start fighting over the beer.

Mulder: Looking at Dana. "Is you're friend usually this up lifting!?"

Eve: Laughs. "Her? Not really. She's become this way only recently."

Mulder: "What do you think it is?"

Eve: "I have no idea!" She folds her arms.

Dana and Scully are on the floor rolling around, fighting for the Bud Ice.

Mulder: "Scully, if you want beer I can go buy you one. I mean, you don't have to fight with our witness over it!"

Dana: Stands up and drinks the rest of the beer. "Gulp! Here you can have it now!" She hands the bottle to Scully.

Scully: Stands up and dusts herself off. "Thanks, I really wanted the bottle!" She tosses the bottle into the trash can.

Mulder: "Great toss Scully! Wanna join my basketball team?"

Eve: "Hey! You could have recycled that!"

Scully throws her hands around Eve's neck. "I will recycle you!!" Mulder steps up behind Scully and pulls her away from Eve.

Mulder: "Actually, Scully, that could have saved as evidence."

Scully: "Evidence for what?"

Mulder: "What you were trying to prove!"

Scully: "Get to point!"

Mulder: "Under aged drinking."

Scully: "Ah, now you want to talk about that. Are you sure that you don't want to talk about the beer penguins!?!?"

Dana and Eve: "Actually, Agent Scully, they are Bud Ice Penguins!"

Scully: Looks at Mulder. "Don't tell me you honestly believe them! They're as bad as the Lone Gunmen!"

Mulder: Gives her his innocent face. "Actually, Scully, I do."

Scully: "Maybe, if we interrogate them separately we will get more out of them."

Mulder: "Sure, fine, whatever! I will talk to Eve and Dana you can talk to Dana!" He smiles.

Scully: "Really cute Mulder!" She says sarcastically.

Fade out:

Fade in to where ever CSM and those other guys hang out!

The Elder: "It has mutated!"

Well-Manicured Man: "Into what?!"

CSM: "What has mutated?"

Krycek: "The penguin!"

Elder: Looks over at Krycek. "Didn't he kill you!?!?"

Well-Manicured Man: "No, I did not!"

CSM: Looks at the Well-Manicured Man and Ratboy (Krycek). "He isn't dead?!" CSM grabs Ratboy and hugs him.

Krycek: "Let go of me you oaf!"

CSM is holding on for dear life.

Elder: "Last week the Black Cancer mutated and now the Penguins are mutating!"

CSM: "The Black Cancer mutated? No one told me of this!!!"

Elder: "You were not here. You where at the place we sent you to." Elder slaps CSM in the head.

Fade out:

Fade in to Mulder and Eve.

Mulder: "What's your name?"

Eve: "We went through this already!" She sighs.

Mulder: "First name and last name?"

Eve: "Eve Modell," she talks into the microphone.

Mulder: "Modell!!! I shot a man named Robert Patrick Modell!! Did you know him?"

Eve: Speaks directly into the microphone. "No, sir!"

Mulder: "Well, for now I will take you're word for it. But, you better hope you're not related to him!"

Fade out:

Fade into Scully and Dana.

Scully: "Please talk into the microphone at all times."

Dana: Talks into the microphone. "Oakley, dokeley!"

Scully: "Is that a yes?"

Dana: "Yuppers!"

Scully: "Name, first and last?"

Dana: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

Scully: "Try me." Says impatiently.

Dana: Sighs. "Okay. It's Dana DC Scully!"

Scully: "Ok," She says a little wearily.

"Can I call you DC?"

Dana: "Sure!"

Scully: "Alright. Now we're getting somewhere."

Fade out:

Fade into Eve and Mulder.

Mulder is pacing back and forth. "Eve, where do you live?"

Eve: "Are you hitting on me?"

Mulder: Turns a shade of red. "Just answer the question!"

Eve: "San Francisco, California."

Mulder: "What are you doing here in Washington DC then?"

Eve: "I am here because Dana invited me here for spring break."

Fade out:

Fade into Scully and Dana.

Scully: She is hovering over Dana. "DC, where do you live?"

Dana: "In the United States!" she says proudly.

Scully: "Where in the United States?"

Dana: "Somewhere around Utah! I'd better not tell you anymore because you might stalk me!"

Scully: "Sure, see if I care!"

Dana: "Sure, fine, whatever!"

Fade out:

Fade into Mulder and Eve.

Mulder: "How old are you?"

Eve: "I am going to be 16 in May."

Mulder: "May, huh?" He looks very interested.

Eve: "Yes, sir, Mr. Mulder."

Mulder: "Call me Fox."

Fade out:

Fade into Dana and Scully.

Scully: "How old are you?"

Dana: "The age I want to be!"

Scully: "Don't smart mouth me!"

Dana: "Ok, ok, ok, I'm 16 and eleven-twelfths!"

Scully: She is pacing back and forth. "So, how exactly do these penguins appear?"

Dana: "They don't appear!"

Scully: "So, how did they get there?"

Dana: "They walked."

There is silence.

Dana: "Actually they wobble." She says in a teacher-like manner.

Scully: "Where do they come from?"

Dana: "The North Pole, duh!"

Fade out:

Fade into Mulder and Eve.

Eve: "Okay, Fox! So, why am I here?"

Mulder: "I don't know! Are you hungry?"

Eve: "No! I want Dana and I to just forget this hole thing."

Mulder: "Scully!! Holy shit!" He runs towards where Scully is.

Fade out:

Fade into Scully and Dana.

Dana: "I am so sorry, Scully, but you have to die now!"

Fade out:

Fade into Krycek using the phone.

Krycek dials a number.

Fade out:

Fade into Mulder and Eve walking in the hallway.

A cellular phone rings.

Mulder looks for his phone.

Eve: "That's me, Fox," reaches for her cellular phone.

Mulder: "Okay. Meet you here in three minutes?"

Eve: "I'll find you, okay?"

Mulder nods.

Eve: Answers the phone. "Hello?"

The voice on the other end: "Hey!"

Eve: "What do you want, Krycek?"

Krycek: "How is it going?"

Eve: Looks for Mulder. "Fine!" She says sort of disgruntled.

Krycek: "How's Mulder?"

Eve: "What?! How do you know that I'm with him?"

Krycek: "I know everything my dear!"

Eve: Looks around and see's Mulder in the corner of her eye. "How?"

Mulder: Looks in the room that Scully and Dana are in and cusses while walking in the room. He kneels down to reach his gun.

Krycek: "Look don't get mad at me. I've learned to trust no one."

Eve: "I thought you and your friends had the hole thing under wraps!"

Krycek: "Uh, you know how it is, we're always busy!"

A gun shoots from far away.

Krycek: "What the hell was that?"

Eve: "I'm not sure!"

Krycek: "Don't let Dana near Scully!"

Eve: "Why? She's with her right now!"

Krycek: "Damn you! Go find her! Dana will blow Scully's brains out!"

Eve: "What?"

Krycek: "Go get her!"

Eve: "I'll call you later."

Krycek: "Okay, I want to see you alive!"

Eve: "You will, I promise." She runs through the hallway.

Fade out:

Fade into Scully, Mulder, and Dana.

Mulder: "Put the gun down."

Dana: "Why?"

Scully: "Just do it!"

Dana: She grabs Scully and points the gun towards her head. "Shut up. Miss Scully!"

Eve: Runs towards Mulder's voice.

Scully: "Put the gun down!"

Eve: Kneels down to grab her gun from it's ankle holster. For some weird reason Mulder and Scully forgotten to frisk them.

Mulder: Pulls out his gun. "Dana, put the damn gun down."

Eve: Points her gun at Dana and looks at Mulder for a brief moment. "Put it down, Fox."

Mulder: Looks at Eve.

Eve: "Dammit Fox!! Put it down!!"

Mulder: Throws his gun onto the ground.

Dana: "What the hell do you think you're doing, Eve!?"

Eve: "I'm trying to save your ass!"

Dana: "Why? That way I don't embarrass you?"

Eve: Pointing the gun at Dana still. "Dana, let her go!"

Dana: "What??"

Eve: Ducks down to pick up Mulder's gun and points it to Dana, too. "You know I'll do it."

Dana: "I know!"

Eve: "Let her go!"

Mulder: Walks up behind Eve. "What are you doing!"

Eve: "Look Dana, you know I will, and that I've done it before, so let her go!"

Dana: "Why do I always have to be the Anti-Hero?"

Eve: Talking in a low voice. "Look you're my best friend. I don't want anything to happen to you! You don't want the life I've got!"

Dana: "How would you know?! You're not me!"

Mulder: Grabs Dana's hands and pulls them behind her back and handcuffs her.

Dana: Lets go of the gun and it falls onto the ground.

Scully: Walks away from Dana. "Is she always this way!?"

Eve: Hands Mulder his gun. "No!"

Mulder: "We're going to have to take you two in."

Eve: "You can't!"

Scully: "And why not?"

Dana: "Because we'll be out the next day no matter what the penalty is."

Mulder: Looks at Eve. "Is that true?"

Eve: Nods her head. "Yeah! We have people who need us out. We're doing stuff for them. We kind of work for the government." She grins at Mulder.

Mulder: Hands Eve the keys for the handcuffs. "There."

Eve: Takes the cuffs off Dana and hands the cuffs and keys to Mulder. "Thank you. We'll be leaving now." Reaches to grab Dana's gun.

Mulder: "Before you leave, why would you guys have guns? And Eve who was that you were talking to on the phone?"

Dana: "One; we're hired killers."

Eve: "Two; that guy on the phone is our boss, Alex."

Dana: Looks at Scully. "You better thank God that Alex let you live another day!"

Eve and Dana: "Bye Agents!"

Mulder and Scully: "Bye," they reply hesitantly.

Eve and Dana are at least a block away now, walking really slow.

Mulder: "Why is it, that I have a feeling this isn't the last time were going to see them?"

Scully: "I don't know, Fox!"

Mulder: Takes Scully's hand and they start walking. "Don't call me Fox!"

The End