Titles: Qui,

Author: Ornery

Series: Loving

Fandom: The Phantom Menace

Status: WIP

Category: AU

Rated: R

Pairing: Qui/Jane

Warning: Het relationship (for the time being)

Summary: In which Qui and Obi are taught the true definition of the word "Sneaky" when the Council infuriates Jane. (Not smart!)

Qui

by Onery

The heartache struck while I was sitting at my veranda table listening to the Beethoven's fifth I realized that this could be the mother of all heart-hurts. I was so tired of being alone and saw no end to it. I wanted so much to have someone to care for, fuss over, love?and to be loved by.

After fishing my prescription anti-depression pills out of my purse, and washing them down with a little water I went into my greenhouse and curled up half under a clump of ferns, down in the damp but warm earth.

//"I just wish that I could get a real good cuddle from someone who gives a damn.//

"And so you can." A gentle voice murmured from a few feet away. "I care."

I sat bolt upright in the ferns, mindful not to crush the tender stems, suddenly terrified of the unknown intruder.

"Easy?" The male voice soothed. "I am not going to hurt you. I don't hurt people, particularly innocents."

I blinked furiously and stared at the doorway at a man I recognized, but the sight of whom scared the hell out of me, Qui-Gon Jinn.

"It's remarkable what an anti-depression drug can do to your head. But an anti-depression drug generated hallucination of a Master of an Order known for caring, standing here, a graceful, dignified and virile man, is not what I needed to see. Particularly since I know he's not real and I can't have him." I said aloud to no one in particular, wanting to cry. Despite the fact I knew he wasn't real, I gasped and thought, // If only, but no. Surely he'd have better options. But he's a lovely example of masculine beauty.//.

I got to my feet and got up from the planting bed, intending to go elsewhere, anywhere that the hallucination wasn't, he lowered his hood and smiled at me.

"Thank you." he said quietly.

"You're more than welcome, even if I am imagining this" I told him, wincing from the soul-deep pain the soothing whisper of his voice caused. In one stride he was standing in front of me, reaching out with his hands to gently hold me against himself, rocking slowly. A moment later he led me to one of the many work chairs and made me sit as he squatted down to put himself at eye-level. The heartache increased. There was a kindness in his eyes that made me flinch openly.

"I hallucinating from the medicine, or else I need a MRI ." I muttered, looking down at my bare feet.

"No. I'm here to help you." He said in reproach as he tipped my chin up with a finger. My hazel eyes met his orbs of intense blue fire. //God. He seems so real. So close.// I felt tears well in my eyes, //I must be desperate//

I could have reached out and *touched* the ghost. Surely he wasn't real? I shivered with the beginnings of a very real fear of...whatever I was seeing.... Tears fell as I twisted aside, unwilling to lose what little remained of what I had fondly referred to as my sanity.

"If wishes were fishes we'd dance in the Sea." I whispered the proverb, my voice thick with tears. My mind flooded with a jumble of ill-advised fears and thoughts all at once, and I shuddered.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you. I'm not going to hurt you, little one. And you haven't just gone insane, either." He smiled sadly and gently touched my hand, a lot like I'd approach a terrified kitten. "I am real. And now to the reason why I'm here, our ship was near and I have never sensed someone who needed a Jedi, any Jedi, as much as you needed me?" He stepped back a bit, re-enfolds his arms within his robe and thoughtfully looks up and to the right, remembering. "My Padawan and I have discussed this matter: Many times we have spoken of it. It is a known thing amongst our Order. He paused to study the still frightened woman. "Sometimes there are individuals who have much to give, no one to whom to give it and are miserable as a result. And the reason they are miserable is that they have so much Light and have no one who can handle the strength of their ability, to share it with. And you never have, have you?"

"I've got my cat and fish." I said, finally giving in to the insane dream. Dream? Oh, that must be it. I was asleep under the ferns. In that case, it was safe enough to let this phantasm provide a bit of comfort. It/he grinned at me a little but let my unspoken decision pass without comment. For a moment, anyway. "It doesn't disturb the animals." I couldn't meet those knowing eyes though, and changed the subject. "By the way, where is Obi?" I asked looking behind him. "I guess it's a dream but even so, he oughta be around here somewhere?"

"Padawan." He called quietly. 'You are not asleep, but at least that idea is better than having you fear me."

The greenhouse door opened and Kenobi's lithe young form slipped inside. He cocked his head at his master in inquiry.

"She doesn't believe we're real. She thinks she's dreaming. And I frightened her rather badly." Qui Gon said sadly to the young man who was holding James Weird, my 11-month-old yellow marmalade and white, American Short-haired tom kitten.

Obi Wan looked affronted, "We are real."

"Well," She said hesitantly, "James Weird seems to think so, anyway." I was beginning to feel the tiniest twinges of belief. Trust was not an issue. If I had been sure this man, of all men was in fact who he professed to be, I'd follow him anywhere he led. It was that simple. First I had to be sure: But it was hard.

"James Weird? That's an odd name." Obi giggled. This version was rather young, only about thirteen or so..

"He's an odd sort for a housecat." I cocked my head at Obi. "But his is a breed that is actually domesticated and bred specifically to be pets, unlike certain critters some folks would rather bring home with them, than take to a zoo which has professionals. From which the creatures would receive the kind of care which is proper and appropriate for their species." I refused to look at Qui Gon. So did Obi, though his shoulders shook a bit with suppressed mirth.

"He's a little infamous, is he?"

"He just doesn't think. Most tourists don't though. I guess that's good, in a way?makes them easier to spot, identify?and avoid."

"Hey!" Qui Gon protested, laughing.

"He's still a Jedi and my master." Obi rebuked me.

"I raised an eyebrow at him. "Dream or no dream, you are a thirteen-year-old boy or thereabouts, from the look of you. And I am still an adult." I glared at Qui at that point. "I know in this day and age that a lot of parents ignore teaching manners to their kids, but what's your excuse?"

Qui Gon Jinn winced and shot a Look at his pale-faced and embarrassed padawan.

"Miss, I'm sorry, it's not my master's fault, truly it's not." He stuttered.

I held his eyes for a long moment, then nodded. "Do you see how such behavior reflects on him?" I asked softly.

"OH!"

"I wouldn?t have thought of that solution to the problem." Qui Gon said ruefully after a moment.

"That's because you're a man. It's a woman thing. And I used to have sons, one who would have been 29 this year." I answered quietly. "And another who would have been 26. They died in the last war, though. And though I grieve, I saw what the man whose forces they fought did to those he got dominion over. Far better to lose my children and win the war against that thing who called himself a man."

"Bad?"

"Well, that depends on your opinion of a man who ordered a hundred thousand children buried alive in a mass grave: Several times a week." I bit out in a cold tone. The looks on their faces was answer enough,

"Yes." Qui Gon said softly. "The loss was worth it."

"My neighbors are bitter folk. There were so many lost in the conflict?but it is still better than what could have happened. I mean, what if he'd gone unchecked and unstopped? But they can't see past their pain enough to see clearly yet."

"I know. I ache for them." He studied me for a long moment. "You released the pain of it."

"Qui, would holding onto the hurt bring them back to me?"

"No."

"So why hold onto it and make myself more miserable than I have to be?"

"Exactly. Obi still struggles to learn this."

"He's still a little boy, give him as much of his childhood as you can, buddy."

//Master, I am NOT a little boy! I'm almost thirteen!// Obi glared at his inwardly chuckling master. //Why is that so funny?//

//First she disciplines you with a few well-chosen words and by seeming to blame me, then she snaps at me on your behalf. I will take her as a helpmeet if she will allow it.//

He was very careful not to allow his padawan to see his true reaction to the sight and sound of the young boy hotly denying he was a young boy, which was what had actually promoted the chuckles.

//You mean you will if you can convince her you're really who and what you are and not just a figment of her imagination?//

At the reminder, Jinn silenced his padawan with a glance and returned his attention to the middle-aged woman in front of him. Then he explained most of what he had in mind, though he did not yet speak of the permanence of the thing he offered.

"I wish I could be certain of you. I wish I could be sure this was genuine?I'd love to help you rear this lovely child, and have someone to call me mama again?but I know better. I don't get that lucky?and if I let myself believe it will hurt so damned much when reality sets in?." I finally said in a voice so low, and so filled with grief that even I could barely hear it.

But Jedi don't need to rely on their ears to hear and tears filled Qui's eyes at the memories that surfaced in my mind as I spoke. This was a recollection of all the times I'd trusted someone and had been betrayed. And the additional gut deep sadness I felt at being denied the courage to believe in the existence of, of all people, a Jedi. I felt as though I'd lost something everlastingly precious before I had even had it, and that grieved me most of all.

Man and boy held me, then, reaching into my mind with their own and began to soothe and heal my battered soul.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Obi had put the cat down and come over to squat next to his master as my distress made itself known, though I was unaware of it. At a silent order from Qui Gon, he emptied the house, crated up the cat and the fish, and got the cruiser loaded. Nothing weighed very much, and he knew his master was spending the long hours convincing the woman that, yes, he was real and this was real, and yes, this was happening, and yes, he did want her?.

Despite finally resorting to a gently applied Forced-Suggestion, Qui Gon discovered that her's was no "weak" mind. The suggestion persuaded her, mostly, he told Obi later as soon as he got her aboard ship and asleep, because she wanted to believe, despite the life-lessons she'd had. Both Jedi watched her as she slept out her exhaustion?purging emotions that painful took a lot out of a person.

"She seldom cries, thinking tears to be a weakness she can ill afford, and I think she has needed that kind of a release for a very long time, possibly for several years. There are as many methods of releasing emotions to the Force, Padawan, as there are reasons for using the Force. But some kinds of hurts can not be dealt with without aid and still be released. Unless the release is assisted by a Force Sensitive, such folk as she is will not trust themselves to the mind of another. And she had no one to help her get it out of her system and let it go." He told Obi Wan pensively. "So, truly, she did need a Jedi, and any of our Order would have done as well, to help her let it go. That is why she did not at first believe even though she wanted to very badly."

"Because she would not risk harming someone?" Obi asked softly. "She's like us, isn't she? Only naturally instead of trained to it. What does that mean?"

"Only that the Force is up to something very strange indeed, Obi Wan." He watched her quietly for several long moments before he spoke again. "Yes, padawan, she could have easily hurt someone. She is Force strong, has learned a great deal of how to use it all by herself without any help or training of any kind whatsoever, from anyone or anything. Also, her mind has abilities of it's own that are quite powerful. Unless one who aided her had strong shields, she could have caused lasting harm."

"And so she held in her hurt and did nothing." Obi said sadly.

"Yes."

~~~~~~~~~

The next time I opened my eyes, it was to see Obi snuggled into a bunk opposite my own, and curled up around my cat. A moment later I registered the fact that there was a long, lean, hard-muscled male form behind me into which I had been carefully tucked and was being gently cradled. Never had I felt so safe.

"Good. It's time you did." Qui Gon's baritone whispered softly into my ear. "I intend to ensure you continue to feel so."

I sighed. "I'm likely to make a lot of trouble for you around that high-steppin Council of your's. From what little I know or think I know of them, they sound like a bunch of jackasses. Particularly Mace, and I won't hesitate to say exactly what I think. Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes. This course is Force Directed." He stopped when I started laughing, remembering a fic I'd read, caught the reference, got the gist of the story, and flushed hotter than a young sun, but continued to answer me, "I've angered them a few times, worried them rather often, and they managed to survive it."

"I've got a little rule I follow, and it's almost guaranteed to irritate them, and most likely you as well." I said, warning in my tone.

"And what would that be?"

"If you don't like the rules of the game, change the rules."

"This should make Temple life interesting." I could hear the smile in Qui Gon's voice. "I find I'm rather looking forward to it.

"Uh oh." Came a small voice from Obi's direction.

I smiled reassuringly at him. "Easy, lad. You've got trouble of your own, since I'm looking forward to this."

"Trouble?"

"You, little lad, are to call me "Mama".

"What's that?"

"Oh! You poor baby!" I was indignant as hell at that point. Obi was disgusted at being referred to as a baby, and Qui was trying very hard not to laugh at both of us. I noticed that there was a connection that hadn't been there the day before, and went very still.

"Easy, it's okay." Qui Gon instantly soothed.

"Is it? That sort of depends on just who or what put it there, doesn't it?" My voice was cool.

"Master?" Obi Wan sounded a little worried.

"Obi, I think you need to go eat something, I need to have a little 'chat' with this big lug, and it could grow rather impolite. I don't believe in using certain kinds of slang in front of small boys, so run along, child."

He winced at the reference but looked to his master for direction. Jinn sighed and nodded. //Better to deal with this now, padawan.//

//Deal with what?//

//The mating bond that formed while we slept. She thinks I added it without asking her first.//

//Oh. O.o.//

//Uh oh, indeed.//

*pause*

//When did you learn how to do that in thought instead of print?//

//I dunno// He teased his master.

//Padawan?//

//Okay, okay?// Obi got up and headed for the door, looked back at me and said quietly, "Mating Bonds are spontaneous.

"Padawan!" Qui barked as Obi ducked out of the bedchamber door, giggling.

I froze in shock, a mating bond? A spontaneous marriage? "Holy Shit!" I yelled.

"Easy! Just calm down."

"You aren't exactly upset, are you? You don?t seem surprised at all, either."

Qui Gon winced, his new mate's tone wasn't promising.

"Well, I thought it was possible?"

"Did you?" She turned over to look at him, and only then did he see the mischief in her eyes.

"You aren't mad at all, are you?"

Qui Gon grinned at the outrageous woman in his arms, feeling her finally, finally relax against him. Finally, fully believe him and in his realness. He wasn't a stupid man and he knew it was the bond that had convinced her. He didn't mind though: That was something she couldn't deny, and wouldn't try to.

Instead, as he had known she would, she accepted it, him, his padawan, people and his calling all in a single breath, and reached for him in the next. He caught her up in a close embrace. She still wasn't ready for sex, he knew, but she did want the closeness, and so did he. So he held her, tight and close he held her.

"The Council will push for an fast completion of the new bond." He said eventually.

"The Council can go suck it's toes, this will happen naturally, in it's own time, or not at all. If something is not natural, it is un-natural by definition, and I refuse to participate a crime against nature."

Qui got a mental image of Yoda licking and sucking his toes, and started laughing. "You're doing that on purpose!"

"Yeah, well, sure? Why not?"

Qui sputtered for a moment and she grinned up into his clear gaze. "They're still Council members."

"So? In my opinion a Council of any kind is nothing more than a glorified committee?and what use have those ever served except to infuriate smart people?"

He paused thoughtfully, flopped over on his back and started to howl. "You are going to toss the whole temple into confusion, aren't you?"

"I'm damned well gonna try! My God, Qui?I finally get to enjoy life, for a while. I gotta enjoy it while it lasts."

"While it?? Jane, a mating bond is quite permanent. I'm not going anywhere!" He reassured instantly.

"Qui, I'm not Obi. Don't get into that habit. My grasp on reality is quite good."

"What are you talking about?"

"What's the average life expectancy of a Jedi, Qui?" She asked softly, watching realization fill his face.

~~~~~

I watched the understanding fill his eyes, and knew that he understood why I insisted my joy was temporary. I wasn't about to dwell on it, but facing it was something best done right away. He finally sighed, and nodded his agreement.

"Wiser than I knew." He told me quietly. "Far wiser."

"Yeah, well, reality does that to you. If you live long enough to learn life's lessons."

"Yes." Was all he said.

//Is it safe, now, master?"//

//Yes. She only wanted privacy to talk. She's not yet ready for anything more.//

//Qui, I can hear you, ya big oaf! Do NOT discuss that subject with children!//

//You can hear us when we speak over the training bond?// Qui sat bolt upright, felt Obi's shock and stared at her.

"Is that what you thought that was? I had such bonds with my sons?it's a parental bond, Qui. //I think you might have had a little blooper, there, bud.//

//Parental?// Obi yelped mentally. //Is that what you meant by that mama stuff?//

//Yes. And this just means that he is as much or more of a daddy as a master.//

//But you can use it too, so that means?what//

//That you have parents, now, boy. It means that you are my new son.//

"Oh FORCE!" Qui said with feeling as Obi re-entered the room.

"Well, you were right again. The Force was up to something interesting!" His padawan said, grinning at him. "Daddy."

Continues in part 2