Title: It Adds Up

Author: Farfalla the Butterfly-Kitten

Email: blueberrysnail @ yahoo.com

Website: http://spirk.cosmicduckling.com

Betas: Hypatia and jm

Pairings: Kirk/Spock, Kirk/Grapefruit

Written for the Cave Story Star Trek Challenge on Kira's Cliche Fest

Rating: R, humor

Archive? Anywhere. Trek belongs to other people, and most of the dialogue from this fic was taken from here: http://www.scifi.com/frightnight/movies/rubyred.mov

Summary: Spock puts two and two together and gets five

by Farfalla the Butterfly-Kitten

Spock stood at the mouth of the cave, gazing out into the driving rain thoughtfully. He was just far enough inside the cave so that the mist rising up from the splashing on the rocks wasn't directly hitting him, but his entire uniform shirt still felt damp and uncomfortable. Yet there he stood, avoiding the deeper recesses of the cave, and trying to block out both audibly and telepathically the emotions that were swirling around inside.

For stretched out on a flat surface farther into the cave slept Jim Kirk, back to the rock, and one hand on his muscular stomach. Spock had offered to be the first to guard them through the night, while waiting for the Enterprise to collect them from this disastrous away mission. He told himself that it was logical that the captain sleep and he guard, that his Vulcan night-vision was more suited to the task, and that Kirk's human physique required rest more quickly than his own. He would never have admitted that his decision was also due to his unexplored desire to watch Jim sleep, and to be able to look upon him freely. Visiting hours in the museum were over, and he had the priceless art all to himself...

But he had not foreseen the mental whitewater that he would have to navigate in order to prevent psychological drowning. Captain Kirk, apparently, talked in his sleep. And his words, not to mention certain physical responses which even a non-Vulcan could have easily noticed, disturbed Spock in ways he had not fathomed.

First, a sultry groan. Spock sprang to attention, immediately suspicious. Then, murmured from Jim's full, pale lips, "I love to touch your skin..."

Whose skin? Spock's body temperature rose half a degree. He pushed it back down like a piece of faulty machinery. He was so intent on listening to whatever happened next that he forgot to raise his eyebrow.

"I love to play with your little stem," murmured Jim, his eyes still, thankfully, closed. Spock drew a sharp, deep breath. Stem. Phallic. Jim was talking, thinking, or dreaming about a male. The poetic nature of his speech Spock wrote off in his moment of turmoil as just more of Jim's unforgivably adorable humanity. Poetry. Sheer poetry he was.

Jim was still talking. "Ooooh, that little stem... does that excite you?" Spock nodded in spite of himself, then noticed his actions and started counting in primes. His mind was racing. Stems were not only phallic, they were green. There weren't many other males Jim Kirk knew who had green--

"Yes, my dear, I want to excite you." Jim's sultry whisper pierced the wet night air.

"You do," Spock breathed huskily, in the tiniest voice. But Jim did not wake. Perhaps it was for the best; this cave was certainly no comfortable place to consummate the kind of deep relationship he'd dreamed about having with his closest friend. A bed was far more logical.

"I want to... I want to peel you, I want to peel your skin off."

Spock wanted to peel Jim's clothes off at this point. He decided instead to blink. And start counting in perfect numbers.

That was when it grew to be too much. "I'm going to suck--" At this, Spock paced quickly away and towards the mouth of the cave. He frantically tried to count in the Fibonacci sequence as he was still painfully, throbbingly aware of Kirk's voice, far away, mumbling something about his seed, and biting...

"...I've got you now, now I've got you, haven't I? You--"

"You have me," Spock growled suddenly at full volume, whirling around and striding back into the cave. He approached his supine Captain and prepared to pin him to the rock.

"...little ruby-red grapefr..." And suddenly Jim was completely asleep again, and shifting restlessly on the rock. Spock froze.

The rain continued to drench the landscape. Spock sat down beside Jim and leaned his head back against the wall of the cave.

It was going to be a long night.