Title: Academy Daze, or If Chuck Jones Wrote Trek Fanfic

Author: Jungle Kitty

Website: http://www.invisibleplanets.com

Series: pre-TOS (or should that be pre-TAS? <g>)

Codes: Kirk, Mitchell, Finnegan, Challenge, Humor

Rating: PG, cartoon violence

Feedback: Yes, please.

Archive: ASC and WWOMB if it's not already there.

Summary: Star Trek a la Chuck Jones, the genius behind Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote. Written in response to a challenge to write a Star Trek story emulating another author's style. I'm reposting this as a humorous but sincere tribute to him and the talents he shared with us.

Thanks to Wildcat for beta. :-)

(c) Jungle Kitty 2001

The Star Trek characters and universe are the property of Paramount and Viacom. The Warner Bros. characters are the property of Warner Bros. This not-for-profit piece of fan fiction is not intended to infringe upon those copyrights. For fun, all right? F.U.N.

------------------------------
EPISODE TITLE - "ACADEMY DAZE"
------------------------------

SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, STARFLEET ACADEMY, MAIN ENTRANCE

CLOSEUP - sign at main gate
--------------------------------------------
Star Fleet Academy
Motto: Wear red, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse.
--------------------------------------------

PULL BACK TO REVEAL the main quad. A stack of books with legs walks into the frame. CIRCLE AROUND TO REVEAL his face--KIRK.

FREEZE FRAME - KIRK

SUBTITLE:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JAMES T. KIRK
Homo Heroicus
T. for Tricky
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CUT TO FINNEGAN hiding in the bushes, watching KIRK.

FREEZE FRAME - FINNEGAN

SUBTITLE:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WILE E. FINNEGAN
Homo Dublinus
E. for Inept
(His parents couldn't spell either.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CLOSEUP - FINNEGAN's gold shirt

SUBTITLE:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't be fooled by this. His shamrock green shirt is at the cleaner's.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WIDE SHOT - MAIN QUAD
GARY MITCHELL pulls up in a shiny, red flitter and honks the horn.

CLOSEUP - MITCHELL's red shirt

SUBTITLE:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't worry, folks. Not for a few years yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PULL BACK TO REVEAL MITCHELL honking the horn.

SOUND FX: Beep beep!

KIRK climbs into the flitter.

CUT TO a bevy of LUSCIOUS BABES crossing the street in front of MITCHELL's flitter. Eyes bugging and tongues hanging out, KIRK and MITCHELL jump out of the flitter and join the BABES.

CUT TO FINNEGAN, scowling.

FX: Idea lightbulb

A not-very-nice smile appears on FINNEGAN's face.

SCENE 2 - EXTERIOR, INTERSECTION AT THE BOTTOM OF A STEEP HILL

FINNEGAN is hammering a traffic sign into place.

CLOSEUP - sign
-----------------------------
Caution - Hot Babes Crossing
-----------------------------

CUT TO FINNEGAN
He runs to the top of the hill and out of frame.

SOUND FX: Engine starting, chug-chug-chug of approaching vehicle

FINNEGAN drives a steam roller into the frame.

CLOSEUP - lettering on side of steam roller
--------------------------------------------------------
Tri-Acme Landscaping - Flattery Will Get You Everywhere
--------------------------------------------------------

CLOSEUP - Finnegan grinning evilly.

CUT TO KIRK and MITCHELL driving along in the flitter. They see the Babe Crossing sign and exchange a leering look. They stop and straighten their tunics, smooth back their hair, and settle back to wait.

CUT TO TOP OF THE HILL
FINNEGAN puts the steam roller into gear. Nothing happens. He jiggles the gear shift. Nothing happens. He grabs it with both hands and jerks it back and forth. Nothing happens. He gets out, goes around to the front of it and kicks it. Turning his back on it, he looks down the hill.

CUT TO BOTTOM OF THE HILL
TWO HOT BABES (BLONDE and REDHEAD) with elaborate coiffures are indeed crossing the intersection.

FREEZE FRAME - HOT BABES

SUBTITLE on BLONDE:
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Clairol
~~~~~~~~~~~~

SUBTITLE on REDHEAD:
~~~~
Nova
~~~~

KIRK and MITCHELL offer the BABES a lift. Smiling flirtatiously, the BABES climb into the flitter (MITCHELL and REDHEAD in front, KIRK and BLONDE in back). They drive off.

SOUND FX: Beep beep!

CUT TO FINNEGAN
He runs down the hill, pulls up the sign, throws it down and jumps up and down on it.

SOUND FX: Chug chug chug!

Freezing in mid-air, FINNEGAN looks up the hill.

CUT TO FINNEGAN'S POV
WE SEE the steam roller starting to roll down the hill.

CUT TO FINNEGAN still frozen in mid-air. His eyes widen in terror as he realizes his impending doom. His expression changes to one of resignation and he falls to the ground (FX: SLO MO).

CUT TO the steam roller completing its descent, flattening FINNEGAN and rolling out of frame. FINNEGAN, now two-dimensional, gets up and walks out of frame.

SCENE 3 - INTERIOR, LIBRARY

PAN DOWN rows of study carrels to REVEAL KIRK and FINNEGAN. They are seated back to back, each in his respective study carrel. FINNEGAN looks over his shoulder at KIRK who is deeply involved in his book.

CLOSEUP - KIRK's book - "Tricky Moves That Aliens Fall For Every Time - Guaranteed!"

SOUND FX: Ping!

CUT TO KIRK
He looks at his computer monitor.

CUT TO MONITOR
**************************
Will you accept a cookie?
YES NO
**************************

CUT TO KIRK
Smiling, he presses a button. A compartment opens up on the desktop and a mechanical arm comes out holding a plate of cookies. KIRK takes a cookie and bites into it. As he chews, the mechanical arm taps him on the shoulder and points at the monitor.

CUT TO MONITOR
***********
Got milk?
YES NO
***********

CUT TO KIRK
He looks around, shakes his head no, and presses a button. A HOT BABE (BRUNETTE) comes on carrying a glass of milk. She gives the milk to KIRK and arm in arm, they walk out of frame.

CUT TO FINNEGAN
Now that KIRK is gone, he returns to his "studies."

CLOSEUP - Tri-Acme Supply Catalog in FINNEGAN's hands

SOUND FX: Ping!

CUT TO FINNEGAN
He looks at his computer monitor.

CUT TO MONITOR
**************************
Will you accept a cookie?
YES NO
**************************

CUT TO FINNEGAN
Smiling, he presses a button. A compartment opens up on the console and a mechanical arm comes out holding a plate of cookies. FINNEGAN picks up a cookie and takes a bite. As he chews, the mechanical arm taps him on the shoulder and points at the monitor.

CUT TO MONITOR
***********
Got milk?
YES NO
***********

CUT TO FINNEGAN
He grins lecherously and presses a button.

SOUND FX: Whooooop! Whooooop!

CUT TO RED LIGHT ABOVE FINNEGAN'S CARREL
The red light flashes repeatedly.

CUT TO FINNEGAN, panicked. He drops the cookie and looks around frantically. He grabs the red light, tries to muffle the sound and flashing, fails, finally rips it off the wall. The red alert FX stop. FINNEGAN gives a sigh of relief.

SOUND FX: Rumbling, splashing

The library begins shaking. FINNEGAN looks up, sees what's coming and looks into the camera--"Why me?" He is swamped by a deluge of milk falling from above. It fills the room. WE SEE FINNEGAN's head bobbing up and down in the ocean of white and finally going under. The milk drains away and WE SEE FINNEGAN clinging to the carrel and gasping for air. He slithers to the ground and, wringing milk out of his shirt, he walks out of frame with a pissed-off expression on his face.

SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE SIMULATOR

CLOSEUP - sign on door
-------------------------------
SIMULATOR. Not what you think.
-------------------------------

PULL BACK TO REVEAL FINNEGAN who wears a worksuit and carries a can of paint. He sneaks past the simulator to the next door down the hall.

CLOSEUP - sign on door
--------------------------
HOLODECK. What you think.
--------------------------

PULL BACK TO FINNEGAN who ponders the sign, then sighs regretfully and sneaks back to the simulator. He looks in both directions, then enters the simulator.

CLOSEUP - the lettering on the back of his worksuit
-----------------------------------------
Starfleet Academy Maintenance Crew
(A subsidiary of Tri-Acme Tri 'n' Fixit)
-----------------------------------------

SCENE 5 - INTERIOR, SIMULATOR

Moments later. FINNEGAN sits at a console, examining the controls. He presses a button and looks up at the screen above him.

CUT TO MONITOR ABOVE FINNEGAN'S HEAD
****************************************************
Please wait while Kobayashi Maru Wizard sets up the program.
****************************************************

CUT TO FINNEGAN tapping his foot impatiently.

CUT TO MONITOR
*******************
Please choose
1 No-Win (default)
2 Win
3 Custom Install
********************

CUT TO FINNEGAN at the controls, frowning with concentration. He presses a button.

CUT TO MONITOR
CUSTOM INSTALL is now highlighted. It flashes twice and a new screen appears.

***************
Are you sure?
YES NO
***************

CUT TO FINNEGAN
He hesitates. A thought bubble appears above his right shoulder.

THOUGHT BUBBLE: Angry ADMIRAL yelling at FINNEGAN

Another thought bubble appears above FINNEGAN's left shoulder.

THOUGHT BUBBLE: KIRK disappearing into a black hole

FINNEGAN presses a button and both thought bubbles disappear.

CUT TO MONITOR
**************
Really sure?
YES NO
**************

CUT TO FINNEGAN hitting a button.

CUT TO MONITOR
*****************************
Absolutely, positively sure?
YES NO
*****************************

CUT TO FINNEGAN angrily and repeatedly hitting a button.

CUT TO MONITOR
******************************
Okaaaaaay, it's your funeral.
What is your authorization?
******************************

CUT TO FINNEGAN
He thinks for a moment, then reaches under the console and pulls out a large mallet which he flourishes at the screen in a threatening manner.

CUT TO MONITOR
**********************************
Authorization accepted. Working.
**********************************

CUT TO FINNEGAN, drumming his fingers impatiently as he waits for the process to finish.

CUT TO MONITOR
**************************************************
Kobayashi Maru Wizard has finished setting up the program. You may now proceed with custom install.
**************************************************

CUT TO FINNEGAN
He reaches for a button on the console.

CLOSEUP - FINNEGAN's finger pressing the Start button

CUT TO MAIN VIEWING SCREEN
Stars float by slowly. A sign drifts into frame.

CLOSEUP - sign
-------------------------
Black Hole This Way --->
Hot Babes That Way <---
-------------------------

CUT TO FINNEGAN
He now holds a TV/VCR remote and points it at the main viewing screen.

CLOSEUP - FINNEGAN's finger pushing the Freeze button

PULL BACK TO REVEAL FINNEGAN picking up the can of paint and going to the screen. Grinning evilly, he reverses the two arrows. Then chuckling to himself, he sneaks out of frame.

SCENE 6 - INTERIOR, HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE SIMULATOR

A little while later.

CLOSEUP - sign on door
----------------------------
SIMULATOR
Do not disturb.
Kobayashi Maru in progress.
----------------------------

PULL BACK TO REVEAL FINNEGAN standing nearby and gleefully rubbing his hands together.

SCENE 7 - INTERIOR, SIMULATOR

KIRK is seated in the command chair. MITCHELL is at the navigation console. OTHER CADETS, all wearing red shirts, are at the various stations.

FREEZE FRAME - OTHER CADETS

SUBTITLE:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Homo superfluous
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CUT TO MAIN VIEWING SCREEN
WE SEE the sign as it drifts across the screen.

CLOSEUP - sign
-------------------------
Black Hole This Way <---
Hot Babes That Way --->
-------------------------

CUT TO KIRK
He rubs his chin thoughtfully. Making a decision, he goes to MITCHELL and points to the right. MITCHELL manipulates the controls.

TILT CAMERA to show the "starship" turning to the right.

WIDE SHOT - SIMULATOR
The simulator begins shaking violently.

CUT TO MAIN VIEWING SCREEN
The black hole is visible and growing very quickly.

CUT TO KIRK and MITCHELL
Kirk jerks his thumb over his shoulder indicating "go back." MITCHELL manipulates the controls then looks up at KIRK and throws up his hands. "No can do." BOTH look at the screen.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL the screen almost entirely engulfed by the black hole.

WIDE SHOT OF SIMULATOR
Impact! ALL are thrown from side to side. They clamber back to their seats and a BEAUTIFUL YEOMAN comes on and hands out barf bags. Suddenly the shaking stops.

CLOSEUP - KIRK
His shirt is ripped becomingly.

CUT TO JUNGLE KITTY'S FAMILY ROOM
JUNGLE KITTY is on the sofa, leaning forward intently as she watches the TV. Her dog BUSTER is at her side. She is holding the remote and pointing it at the TV screen.

CLOSEUP - JUNGLE KITTY's finger pressing the Freeze button.

CLOSEUP/FREEZE FRAME - TV SCREEN frozen on RIPPED-SHIRT KIRK

CLOSEUP - JUNGLE KITTY's face, completely blissed out

PULL BACK TO REVEAL a STUDIO EXECUTIVE barging in. He grabs the remote and presses the Forward button.

CUT TO THE SIMULATOR
The main action resumes. KIRK looks at the screen and points.

CUT TO MAIN VIEWING SCREEN
WE SEE WARNER BROS. CHARACTERS floating in space, smiling and waving in friendly greeting.

FREEZE FRAME - WARNER BROS. CHARACTERS

SUBTITLE:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Producto placementus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WIDE SHOT - SIMULATOR
ALL are smiling with relief.

CUT TO BRIDGE DOORS
Doors open.

SOUND FX: Hsst!

A FIGURE stands in the entrance.

FX: Back-lighting

CUT TO KIRK
He swivels the command chair to face the doors, stands and takes a step toward the figure.

CUT TO BACKLIT FIGURE
He steps forward. Doors close behind him.

SOUND FX: Hsst!

He steps into the light and WE SEE that he is REGIS PHILBIN.

FREEZE FRAME - REGIS

SUBTITLE:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Homo hostus obnoxious
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MUSIC from "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?"

Confetti falls, CADETS cheer, RUTH comes on.

FREEZE FRAME - RUTH

SUBTITLE:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Homo cupcakus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WIDE SHOT - SIMULATOR
REGIS smiles and congratulates KIRK. RUTH and KIRK kiss.

CLOSE IN ON KIRK

FREEZE FRAME - KIRK's basket

SUBTITLE:
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Homo erectus
~~~~~~~~~~~~

CUT TO JUNGLE KITTY'S FAMILY ROOM
JUNGLE KITTY and STUDIO EXECUTIVE are on the sofa, grinning, bouncing up and down, and pointing at the TV. BUSTER shakes his head in disgust and walks out of frame.

SCENE 8 - INTERIOR, HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE SIMULATOR

Moments later. FINNEGAN watches, puzzled, as REGIS, KIRK, RUTH, and CADETS come out, laughing and celebrating. REGIS and KIRK stop. REGIS hands KIRK a new gold shirt which he puts on.

CLOSEUP - lettering on KIRK's shirt
----------------------------------
I beat the Kobayashi Maru and
all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
----------------------------------

PULL BACK TO KIRK laughing.

PULL BACK FURTHER as KIRK, REGIS, and OTHER CADETS walk out of
frame.

MOVE IN AND FOLLOW FINNEGAN as he enters the simulator. He goes to the console he was at earlier.

CLOSEUP - FINNEGAN's finger pressing the Replay button

CUT TO MAIN VIEWING SCREEN
In FAST-FORWARD, WE SEE the sign go by. The simulator "turns" to the right. The black hole appears.

CLOSEUP - FINNEGAN's finger pushing the Freeze button

PULL BACK TO REVEAL FINNEGAN approaching the frozen main viewing screen. He peers into the black hole, leans in and looks up, down, side to side. He turns away from the screen, his face screwed up in confusion as he scratches his head.

SOUND FX: Approaching chug-chug-chug, train whistle

Accepting the inevitable, FINNEGAN looks into the camera, sadly waves goodbye, and a locomotive charges out of the black hole and demolishes him. As the train turns, WE SEE KIRK lean out of the cab. He is smiling and wearing an engineer's cap. He pulls the cord and the whistle sounds.

SOUND FX: Beep beep!

KIRK waves as the train roars out of frame.

FADE TO CLOSING LOGO
SPOCK appears at the center of the logo. He holds up his hand in a Vulcan salute.

SPOCK
F-f-f-fascinating.

MUSIC up and out.
BLACKOUT.