THE VENTRILOQUIST/THE DUMMY

By Anna Leisingring

Dedicated to a special person ...

Rated NC_17

By Anna Leisingring

I looked over at Starsky mouthing words that I couldn't say. I was a dummy for thinking that he would want me. Want me…the fool. The dummy as I went for the scissors and the shampoo to cut his hair.

Ever since we had gone working at that hair salon I loved cutting that hair. I couldn't wait for it to grow longer , to get unrurly so I could curl my fingers into his hair.

The dictionary, my study as my grandfather took me onto his lap with his dummy in hand. I was a slow learner. A student trying to learn words. I was a student/ a dummy as I sat in the palm of his hand as I mouthed the words.

"You can do anything you set your mind to Hutch." , he held me. He coddled me as I sat with my white boy's nightshirt on telling me I could have with little blue boy eyes looking innocently at him. He ruffled my feathers. My little boy blond bangs, they were light as a feather. He held me. He coddled me. He kissed me my grandfather. Then he got the scissors…

I got the scissors out my hands shaking. Them trembling as I got them out. I got them. I cut my finger as I looked at my finger it running, the blood running it dripping out. I sweated blood dripping, I bleeding as I stuck my finger into my mouth. With white nightshirt, no, nightgown I wore the clothing. I was a woman. A baby. I was a man. I was a little boy running away from my relative running away from the man.

My father, my mother as I walked into their room kissing. I was kissing my finger in trying to play barber as I stuck my finger, me holding with little boy blue eyes.

"My word/ the dictionary as my mother my father got me the the book out. "My word! What have you done to your hair Hutch?'' as I sat there crying. I was only trying to play doctor, then barber, then cop as I tried to dress up. I tried to dress up my wounds hiding, forgiving as I buried my face. I looked like a failure. I was a failure…

"Don't say that." My grandfather dressing me. Who was I? What was I? A monster/ he monster as I sat like a dummy in the palm of his hand.

My grandfather. The pervert. Me pervert as he did terrible things drinking. We lay there in bed giggling. Then laughing as he got the Nitrous something or other..

I got the balloon blowing, me blowing bubbles. Me blowing bath bubbles as I sat in the tub. I was a ducky. I cracking/ quacking up ducky as I blew my bath bubbles. My words were stumbling over something as I looked at the book.

I looked at the something or other. The drawings of my grandfather and me. He painted pictures. I painted pictures. I artist/ I pictures as I painted pictures. I was in the movies. Me actor. He actor as we acted different love scenes. I heard my mother/ my father screaming the first time. The first time as my words ran together. My tears ran together. I was an angel. A perfect angel as my grandfather the devil went running away. I never did figure out what I had done in pictures. In movies in he running away. The hurt but the anger, me anger me dummy as I screamed back at my mother. I screamed back at my father me running I crying into my mother me begging for forgiveness for something..

I looked at the Nitrous Oxide tank, my father my mother laughing , nervously laughing.

"They knew they, I couldn't quite hear the words. I silent. Me dummy. Me mute as I was a dummy for letting he do…..

"It wasn't your fault. " Starsky took my hand kissing me telling me that whatever had happened wasn't my fault. I was a young boy. A baby. I looking at him with little blue boy eyes. Innocent little blue boy eyes.

My grandfather. My "Oh my God he was my lover!" He looked so much like Starsky as I screamed the words out. He looked so much like me as he had gotten the dummy, the stiff wooden board dummy as I lay in the bed chattering. My teeth chattering I was so cold. "Starsky he made look up the words. I was a dummy. A student." as I mouthed the words. He made me look up the words as after what he had done to me I spelled the words out. If I didn't, my hands shaking, I begged Starsky to whip me , to spank me to do anything but touch me as I got the dictionary, the encyclopedia humming the song book. I sang a hymn humming me, forgettitttiing, me not spelling, me not using correct punctiation, me not punctuation, I paused taking a breath.

Starsky held me crying, he loving the dummy, as I lay like a dummy into the man. I lay like a dummy yelling, me screaming to get the needle away. To get the laughing gas. The carbon monoxide as we sat in the car. The carbon monoxide, I going to commit suicide if Starsky didn't do something fast went running into a car. He ran head on into a train. Me yelling for him to get the Hell away. I wasn't an angel.

I wasn't flying but spiraling to hell.

No matter how I tried I tried trying to forgive. Trying to forget. Trying to remember.

Starsky was helping me out.

I took the puzzle. The jigsaw puzzle that he had bought me as he came to the hospital. I looked at him with my hospital morning gown on smiling as he brought a ray of sunshine into my life. I always did love him as I knew he wasn't my Grandfather. The sun coming down. The rays shining. They smiling as he held my face.

"You look like an angel. "Hi!" Angel. Good morning to you.'' as he sent the rainbows coming floods of tears and happiness running all over the place. " ''' "' "' I got my quotation mark typewriter out, it working as I worked my fingers over the keys. "Only one quotation mark Hutch." He showed me. He corrected the errors.

He clapping his hands in excitement as I jumped in my bed hopping. I was flying I was jumping , me flying me jumping as I bounced in the bed. I was excited as excited as hell.

I looked at him innocently with little blue boys eyes as little jack horner sat in a corner. My dummy. My wooden dummy as I mouthed the words running.

I was a boy a baby, a little boy running as as I looked at him with baby boy blue eyes crying into the puzzle.

He held me frowning. He crying. He stopping to pout. I was a bad boy for not taking my pills as I held my hand out. I was a bad boy. "Go ahead hit me Starsky. I deserve to be hit." as more memories came running, the bleeding into my head.

I was wheeled to the doctor. The infirmary as the plate in my head from the car/ train accident.

I had amnesia. Was afraid of the trains. I was afraid as Starsky came running but me a choo choo train running it running circles around my hospital bed.

Starsky came running, holding me after the surgery I took terribly sick in the bed. Fever so high running, I sweating as my head was killing me, pounding me screaming for someone to get me something for the pain as I banged my head. It felt like a freight train running it screaming it screeching, Starsky's voice getting on my nerves as I scratched my head.

I was bald. I was elderly. I was an old man. I lay in the Nursing Home bed chomping my food.

I lay in the Nursing Home with Alzheimers Disease. I didn't remember Starsky, I didn't remember me as I lay there crying.

++++++

I was a teenager. I was a baby. I was a teenager as I was so smart. I cried learning my lessons like a baby as my high school teacher innocently asked me if I had had sex outside of marriage.

He was a preacher. A good one as I had been sent to religious school learning forgiveness. Learning that having sex outside of marriage wasn't the right thing. Learning that it wasn't right being gay.

"What did he know about homosexuality?" I asked the man. Was he queer or something? I didn't know if the word was in the dictionary it meaning the same but somehow I knew it that that's what "queer" meant as I looked at him eeirly. The ghosts having returned. My demons I ran there , him grabbing me.

"Hey Ken!" /It's okay/ to be scared he exclaimed while trying to comfort me calming me down he had used the wrong mark.

He marked on the calendar that I had improved in my school grades. I had improved in my mental area as I lay in the hospital bed being tied down.

"Please let me loose." I begged him. I pleaded as I looked at the stars. I saw Starsky, my lover as I looked at the stars shining at me. I twinked he twinkled we sang at the stars.

Back in my hospital bed after head surgery Starsky took my guitar. He sat their strumming. I humming as I took his guitar. We sat there strumming. I quietly as his strumming got louder. Starsky laughing so merrily so joyfully merrily I got my trumpet out tooting..

The medicine they gave me. The food that they gave me made me pass the gas out.

"I'm sorry. So sorry." as my face flushed with embarrassment in humiliation.

I ran to the bathroom feeling nauseous so terribly nauseous as I threw my guts out.

I sat on the floor dying, I crying as my gas in my gown ran. I was a mess. I crying as Starsky came running.

The doctor and nurse came running for me to give me something. I needed an injection of something but the something came running as all that I needed was there all along.

"Leave him alone." He ordered he demanded took control of my life.

Too much medicine. He was my medicine as he ordered me into the bathtub.

He held me so gently. Ever so gently as he climbed in the tub. "Can I get my little blue duckie?" I squeaked with my eyes. I looked into his eyes looking so ducky as I bucked my buckie.

Starsky looked at me confused in the meaning as I got my dictionary…

"Ducky" ….I read showing the wet pages as my hands dripping in fingers. Ever so nervous dripping fingers as my hair fingers of my bangs were dripping wet for this man.

I wanted to hold him. Caress him as he sat there bathing me from my sickness as I turned the pages explained.

"Oh this is so excellent. So fine. I'm ducky. Just ducky." I explained to him while looking tried to explain that my rooster, my cock wanted to crow. My cock started to crow in correction as I held my penis in getting an erection.

The water was cold in my fever as he gave me ice baths.

"Damn that's cold. " I grunted and groaned as my hips started to buck.

My buckie, my "a large spiral marine shell" my penis was lost out to the sea.

My nipples. My everything wanted. Wanted everything for him to take me. Caress me as I took my man. I wanted him to suck me. To bleed me making me beg as I took his hand into my hand started to bag.

I bagged in the gag me talking nonsense so foolish as he got the bag. Starsky my lover. My masked lover was an undercover bandit. A spy. He privated me, piloted me flying so high as I was a Private he was a Commando with military green tank on.

He ordered me. He shouted at me to assume the position. I assumed the position saluted so high. I saluted him as he spanked me into submission, me bending over, me laughing I was laughing my ass off that this was to silly a dream. I was laughing so sillying, coughing, gasping for air as he held me choking. He ordering me to "Shut Up" as I looked at the man…

It wasn't funny. He was serious in playing the game. I was seriously. Seriously funny as Starsky lay laughing while nipping me, climbed into bed. Nipping my neck. Nipping my fingers. Nipping at me as I lay there chattering my teeth. I got stiff as a board waiting . Stiffly waiting. It wasn't so fun.

"Starsky!" I ordered I demanded that the game of the plague wasn't a game it wasn't so fun. He plagued me. He harrassed me in military orders to lay still in the bed. I was stiff as a board. He nipped me while playing the mind games told me that I could relax. I waa , I baa, I was a black sheep. A prisoner a prisoner held captive a prisoner of war as he played war with my body. I tried to relax. He bit me. I screamed as he played Vampire, I monster turned wolf bearing into this man. I tried to endure, bearing down hard into the pillow. My little boy pillow as he flipped me over exposed my quivering arrows. My little white cheeks, my pillows as he took his arrow pointed a finger into my butt cheeks.

++++++

He was dressed except for his zipper. I wasn't except in my gown. My nighshirt. My gown as I screamed like a woman to leave me alone. I had a headache a PMS headace while screaming didn't feel like making love tonight dear. He was a deer panting. Panting for water as he took his tongue panting into my pool. He took his tongue of his arrow me quivering held my stomach, my tummy as I was panting for him to do it. Send me into confusion. Total confusion to see if I could take it. Take anymore.

Before I could answer, before I could scream he landed his tongue. That hot tongue he panting as he growled with his finger into my ear. He pointed me. Telling me that after he got done with my downstairs (anus) he was going for air. He was going for ear as he flipped me over going for cornstalks. Cornsilk as he fondled the hair of my crotch. I turned my head in estascy ,ekstacy, eshtasy, escstasy., hell you figure it out. I was turning my head sideways in something moaning into my pillow as he got the ropes.

"Yes. Do it to me." I wasn't with Grandfather as the Grandfather clock. The mouse climbed up the chimney. I smoking as he had me so shattered. I Humpty Dumpty I had a great fall. He hickory dickory dock as his mouse of his moustache climbed up my cock. He was ticking me off. Making me mad crazy as the big Grandfather clock. I wasn't Cinderella coming home from the ball, having lost slipper as he took the glass slipper shattered me, entered me as my rags of my clothes fell off.

He tore my rags. My clothing as he ripped my big shirt off. "I'm not going to hurt you." He promised while after he spanked me pulled my legs over his shoulders. He binded me. Sealing me closing the book. He closed the book of the chapter pulled the stringed ribbon tighter of the bedpost as he tied me, sealing me, bowing me placed a red present bow onto my forehead. After he got done entering me. He thanked me, pumping me hard. His sperm was dripping out me, dripping like honey as I layed there panting for air for him to finish me off. I was his present. His the day he graduated from high school present. He chased the blond women,but waited. Waited for me.

I somehow graduated from college in being so smart. The little boy dummy had been released from the hospital. The high school. The religious school graduated knowing. I was religious went to college as I got my hymnal out singing a song. I would be okay mentally. Physically. Physically challenged as I was a klutz.

No wonder I stumbled over chairs. Over tables spilling them over as I drew the beer. I was a bartender at college I listening to problems. Listening to problems as I got ready to sing. I stumbled over the words. The tables. The chairs. But there was this one boy sitting back in the corner.

My Starsky. He waited. He waited for me. He went into the military. I stayed behind. No matter where life took me. Took me took my mind as before he left I had whispered to him quietly that I would wait for him to come back if it took our whole lives…

He never did leave me. He embraced me. He sealed me in front of the whole crowd. He winked at the audience. I winked at him as he playfully kissed me I grew into a man…

I grew as he kissed me. I blushed turning red as a feather. A cardinal dove feather as I was a cardinal. It was a sin. I wasn't Catholic but the Cardinal, my father ,my Pope turned me into a straight man.

I remembered he sealing me as he held an envelope. I remember my Starsky giving me a promissory note that he would give me money. I would make it to Vegas as I hit the jackpot. If I was a straight man he was a straight man why did I have feelings? Why did I have sexual feelings a he layed the law straight.

"I promise we'll meet back in the academy. The police academy. We'll fight crime off the streets." He stated. He promised as one last time he went away saluting.

The police academy. Wow! Being a cop. We could play cops and robbers. Bang! Bang! me shooting up.

I didn't use drugs. So excuse me. I did them in waiting. In wanting. I did them in later I got the heroin. How could I tell Starsky that I had used drugs?

Something told me that this was no fun. This wasn't a game Hutch. I heard him screaming at me over oceans and rivers as I lay there floating down rivers.

I got my innertube out went back to Minnesota from going California went floating.

"Hey wait!" I shouted I screamed as I got the rock. I got the rock, the boulder as it landed into my legs. I got the rapids, I drowning, I gasping for air drowning.

But Starsky was there. He saved me. He pulled me while airplanes were shooting. The helicopters flying then whirling to rescue. In military he was a medic. I was a medic as I learned medicine as back-up.

I went cold turkey. I suffered cold turkey as I went through withdrawal. The heroin. It was awful. I wouldn't use it again. I swore. I promised as I got a note promised wrote sealing it that I would never do drugs.

Starsky helped me while laying in bed with my withdrawal. He fixed me. He fixed me so good. He fixed me so good while he was over in the military got shot in the leg.

He had come back early. Got out early in waiting. He took the bullet. He bit the bullet in…

"I gasped. You faked it? You faked your orgasm for me?" "Was I that bad in bed?" I questioned. I begged him to tell me the truth.

"You were wonderful Hutch." He smiled mischievously smiled as I read the truth. I was wonderful while blowing him knew how to blow bubbles. But. I know. You wasn't ready. Ready for me to do this as I held his hand waiting for him to tell me that he loved me sexually. Wanted me for me. Wanted everything from me. For a while in life I knew who I was. Wanted. I needed. But how could I tell Starsky that I was in love him totally totally lost it as I got down deep on my knee.

I was so knee deep in loving. In loving my sugar. My David. He was sweet as sugar as candy as I licked my lollipop.

I told Starsky that it didn't hurt once in awhile with healthfood if I ate my candy. I didn't tell him that somewhere back in my mind that after my Grandfather got done using me like candy when using me gave me a pop.

I licked my lolly, I liked my Pop as I went heading for refrigerator opened the door.

The food had got wasted. Totally wasted as the storm of the electricity blew the fuse out. I went walking to fuse box him fusing him fussing that I would rot my teeth out.

Candy on the other hand was his department. His speciality as he got the candy. He got the candy bar out, him grinning it melting like wax into the palm of his hand.

He went to wash up. I found something for dinner. I found something that didn't need to be refrigerated made reference that I needed to get a new icebox anyway as he lollyed around.

"Hutch your getting weird. You're getting weirder by the moment." as I got my dolly. I got my dolly that my mother had left me in dying. She had died that day that she and my father had to send me away.

I got cold. A chill ran up my spine. How could I tell him, my Starsky that I had walked into the room the same day she died.

My father. My protector as he protected my life, sheltered it as best as he could after my Grandfather had killed me in playing. If he could he would kill the man himself as he sat rotting in jail. The punishment wasn't a long one. The charges. My mother had begged him. He was her father. She didn't know why he acted the way that he did. .. She wanted to protect me. Protect him. Protect her father. My father as she held him close kissing him.

She promised him whispering sweet little nothings that didn't mean anything to me, but meant everything to me that she would let him do anything he wanted to her if he would believe. He believed all right as she lay there dying. My conservative parents though I didn't know what it meant lay doing "it" right in front of my eyes. She screamed. She died. She cried. He cried. It sounded like evil the grunting and groaning. The moaning as they came in orgasm together. I was terrified. I was afraid. I ran screaming shutting the door as I lay there crying. I lay there crying as the curtain to their bedroom while waiting to be replaced by a door blew open. I heard it. I saw "it' it was animalistic. ..

I salivated. I drooled onto my pillow with snake fangs dripping poison as I read a book. My sheets snaked themselves around me. My lungs consticting as my boa constrictor squeezed at my lungs. I killed the snake. Did something. Did I have a pet snake?

I went running into the woods. The forest. I found the trees. I took my ax chopping. Chopping the puzzle as I chopped the wood. I would make myself a dummy someday. Me being a ventriloquist. I could have anything I asked for if I mouthed the words.

Now back in the future with Starsky. My lover. My bed partner though not heart to heart. He was doing the sex act. The need in wanting and desire but he didn't want me. He loved me. "Sure Hutch.. I love you. I need you. I love making love. But you know I haven't even kissed at your nipples gently. I haven't even touched them. You haven't even touched mine." the words rang out clearly that they were too close to the heart…

We did everything. Everything imaginable in the bed department except go to that area. I knew better. I wasn't a dummy. If he sucked me. If I sucked him we would be lost. It was too close to the heart. It bleeding it panting as I ventured my hand. I did the pledge to honor and cherish the oath of this sacred vow. I didn't so need a book of the word as I read the word reading the judge took his gavel. Starsky nipped at my naval he taking the tongue kissed me in pools. He sweated pools of swimming pools as he took a dip. He skinny dipped as he lay in my pool sweating my pool grew more. Taking a dip with my finger I felt the hot pool. The hot sauna as I lay in the tub.

It was hot in the room. I was panting. I was groaning for Starsky to hurry up and towel me do anything as he hung me drying me out.

He took everything from me. Did everything thing to me. Everything killing me. Slaying my dragon as he breathed red hot fire. I was a knight. A White Knight in rescuing fire as I took Sweet Revenge on him killing me so.

I rescued him from Gunther as he lay there dying in bed. He told me I heard it. I felt him calling to me. The sound of everything crashing around us but it was too late as I lay in the bed crying. I lay in the bed crawling next to the man praying amongst the IV's.

Huggy and Captain Dobey. My superior, my friends in the two were superior in being close friends. Sure Dobey was tough. Was gruff as he bellowed for us to get our asses back into the room. Sure he was tough but he loved us. We were the best. Our friends but I had said "My friends."My superior as Huggy was superior in being a cook. In being a bartender listened to me.

[ I want him to take my chest into his mouth] I confided, I bracketed holding on to a pillar I sat there after the hospital in waiting as Huggy poured me a drink.

"Here take another one." he ordered. I listened as I slammed it down.

I coughed and I gagged. I hiccupped. Then screamed. My throat was on fire. My neck was on fire as I threw my head back trying to gasp air. Dobey came in grabbing me right behind arms as I slid to the floor.

"Is he going to be all right ?" I heard Dobey whisper as Huggy held his hands up backing away.

"Hey man. You're the one who told me to do something for the dude. I just spiked his drink."…

I was a dude. A debutante' as I was a young woman making a formal debut into society. I was an ass. As I lay there kicking my heels up. My boots up kicked my superior officer somewhere.

The stuff was making me violent. So terrifying violent. I wanted to scream. I went out running and crying found me a prostitute. They couldn't find me.

By the time that they found me I had had two. I had had three as I dug in my pockets for more money as Starsky lay in the hospital. The hurt of him dying was too much for me to handle as he was waiting for me.

"Hutch. Come back hear. Listen hear. pail." The homonyms, or whatever they were lay dripping as I took my bucket took my pail to the shore. I listened for tidal waves to come as I looked at the moon. I listened for seashells. Conch shells as I took one to the ear. The tide had come in washing it. Washing it as it lay at my barefeet.

Captain Dobey wasn't seriously injured but I had felt guilty. Huggy was the one who felt guilty. Dobey felt guilty that he had ordered Huggy to give me something to make the pain better or he would close the place down.

We all stood at the beach patiently waiting as we heard it as I took my shell.

"Hutch. Come back here. Listen here Pal. I need you here with me now buddy. I know we can make it ." as I took my pail running back to the room.

He was awake. I kissed him. I giggled. I made too much noise as the nurse came in telling me, reprimanded me to be quiet.

"What are you going to do spank me?" I held out my hand grinning as I dropped my pants. I stood there grinning with boxer shorts on as it was time for Starsky to get an injection into his ass. I stood there grinning as I turned myself around mooning. The next thing I knew we were both out of it. I in one bed. He in the other.

Somewhere in the night I climbed into the bed. The hospital bed as we layed together. The room was a Private room. That's what I ordered as right before I passed out from getting the shot I had ordered the nurse that they better find Starsky another private room instead of a semi…

So my "Sweet Revenge" episode was over but my " Shampoo " one wasn't as I now looked at Starsky. I GoT ThE scissors out ( i COULn't get my computer to work right) as I had to stay confident that nothing would go wrong. I had to believe that I wasn't a fool as tonight was the night that we would make perfect love together. I had to believe that I could forgive my Grandfather for doing those things. I didn't remember any of it. Not a drop of it, but the pain was remembered. The pain or so I thought…

The pictures were cloudy. Were muddled. I knew something happened. I knew that with friends like Starsky helping. He had suffered much too that we could both help each other. Had helped each other. Would continue to do so.

I took the scissors dropping them. I dropped the scissors dropping as I took my hand cutting it on the razor as I picked it up. I dropped the razor me sticking my finger into my mouth shivered. I looked at Starsky with little blue boy eyes. I looked at Starsky with my bangs hanging down. I looked at Starsky with my blond eyelashes lying, then fluttering as I flew them open.

Starsky came running as he saw that I wasn't hurt unbuttoned my shirt. "Are you ready Hutch?" as I couldn't believe it as I took another pair of shears couldn't believe that it was time for my medicine. It was time for his medicine as he took his finger touching my nipple. Touching my fingers told me too cut. He took my nipple into his mouth slowly sucking in milking me the blood out of my heart.

After I got done cutting his hair. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect. My work was a masterpiece. His work was a masterpiece as he took the paint brush on a canvas so painted.

He painted a picture. He painted my chest with more nips to the bud.

"Do it to me Hutch." He was ready. I heard the words. I opened his shirt panting. In wanting his full heart.

I touched the heart. The scars of his wounds. The scars that were beautiful . He was absolutely beautiful as I took in the hair burying my face into his chest.

We always were blood brothers he was my twin. He was my brother way before conception. He was my blood brother as the ceremony proceeded as I read from the book.. "One of two individuals who vow mutual fidelity and trust by a ceremony involving the mingling of each other's blood.".

I took his chest into my nipple rubbed it. Then rubbed it the machinery oiled. I took his nipple into my mouth.

The machinery was oiled. Was ready as I took my tractor riding it around town. He took his Cinderella showing me off. I took my carriage as my whatever she was that called the orders… ".My Fairy Godmother?" as I closed the book.

"Do you believe in magic? In fiction? In fantasy mixing fiction with pure total fantasy?" "Hutch?"

Do you believe I held my peace for a change in being at peace as I closed the book would one day come up with another fantasy in fiction. In writing fiction…

"Hutch?" The question wasn't answered. It was a mystery. I held my tongue. Life was a mystery as I closed the pages started to tear…

But I wasn't tearing. I wasn't crying. I would go to bed now. Starsky would go to bed now. We both had a lot of work to do at the office.

Vacation time was over for now as we became detectives. Sherlock Holmes figuring life out. Sherlock Holmes and Watson sitting in trenchcoats as he smoked a pipe.

He closed the chapter of us writing this out. Us riding this out closed the story to the pages with a joke he had read…

"You're a gas Starsk." As I took the Nitrous Oxide gas in blowing balloons I squeaked from the tank.

"Doing Nitrous Oxide is dangerous in making a game." Here are the rules. The orders to don't do it..

Here are the rules. Don't do it as I took the gas of the joke in started to laugh.. I took the joke in went peacefully to sleep…..

=30=