Title: Sweet Surrender

Author/pseudonym: Kel (Rae Sandburg)

Fandom: The Sentinel

Paring: Jim Ellison/Blair Sandburg (eventually!!)

Rating: PG for language

Status: new/complete

Archive: Yes please.

E-mail address for feedback: if you want more stuff, please. dragonbane4@aol.com

Series/Sequel: Is this story part of a series? It's kind of a prequel to "Where I Belong"

Other websites: mine; http://www.geocities.com/tyshka/sentinelindex.html

(it'll be up tomorrow sometime)

Disclaimers: The characters do not belong to me. They belong to Pet Fly Studios. I am making no money from this; I am doing it for sheer love of the characters and my own personal fulfillment.

Notes: This story takes place between Sentinel Too Part 1 and Sentinel Too part 2

Summary: Songfic for "Sweet Surrender" by Sarah McLachlan; Jim and Blair both wrestle with their feelings during the Alex situation.

Warnings: Possible spoilers for Sentinel Too.

// // denotes song lyrics

//It doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I've left behind me
is a cold room//

Blair couldn't stand the sight of the loft so bare. Not to mention the heavy weight in his chest over his heart because this wasn't his home anymore. And maybe not Jim's for long. He shivered in the cold air that poured through the open door that led to the balcony.

//I've crossed the last line
from where I can't return
where every step I took in faith
betrayed me
and led me from my home//

The young man sat in the middle of the empty floor of the place that used to be home. Closing his eyes, he reviewed every moment of his and Jim's lives together; from the meeting at the hospital to Jim's coming to his office to Garrett Kincaid and Quinn and Simon in Peru. Incacha and the Iceman, Cyclops Oil and their trip to the oil rig. David Lash's dentist chair and a Golden overdose. Nothing had been strong enough to rip them apart until now. Now Blair knew he couldn't go back to his life before. He didn't have a life without Jim, it had become that simple for him long ago. He was Guide--Shaman--to the Sentinel of the Great City. Without a Sentinel to Guide... he was useless. He didn't even have a home anymore--just a room at some sleaze-bag motel until he could figure out what was going to happen.

//And sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give//

He had given Jim everything that he was; support, knowledge, Guidance, even his soul--the very meaning of his life he'd given to the Sentinel, to his Holy Grail. His best friend, his roommate, the only *real* family he'd ever had. And Jim had thrown it all back in his face. He sat staring out over the balcony, studying the skyline view.

//You take me in
no questions asked
you strip away the ugliness
that surrounds me
are you an angel
am I already that gone//

Down on the street, Jim looked up to see Blair in his room. If he'd known the Guide was still going to be there, he wouldn't have come back so soon. He'd hoped Blair would be gone.

He hated sending Blair away but he had to. Blair was helping him, only hurting him because he didn't have answers. If he sent Blair away... he couldn't hate the young man who had meant so much to him. Who had saved his job, his sanity, his life.

Only Blair had been brave enough to meet him on his own terms. He'd met Jim head on, backing him down about his senses, about the sensory tests, about taking care of his senses. Blair had bulldogged Jim into a somewhat safer, somewhat healthier lifestyle and Jim had never felt better. Part of him knew, subconsciously, that a great deal of that good feeling was due to having Blair in his life, the missing piece that made this whole Sentinel puzzle whole. Without Blair he knew he'd been in an institution somewhere, half-crazed and babbling.

//I only hope
that I won't disappoint you
when I'm down here
on my knees//

Jim wanted to go up and talk to Blair but he couldn't. He didn't know how to apologize for what had been said. And he couldn't ask Blair back to his side. Not yet, not until this firestorm inside him was over. There was too much potential for pain, not for himself but for him to hurt Blair. Best to hurt him a little now, when it could be repaired, than let it grow and go on until things were unbearable and unsalvagable. *At least I hope we can salvage us,* Jim thought a bit desperately. *Don't let this come between us now, not when we have been through so much. Please, understand.*

//And sweet
sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give//

Jim closed his eyes and breathed, still able to pick Blair's scent out from downstairs. *Take anything of me you want, Blair, but please, when this is over, don't leave me. Stay by my side; I know I will need you more than ever.*

//Sweet
sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give//

Blair closed his eyes, trying to meditate in the empty room but unable to focus. *Damn you, Jim..I gave you any part of me that you wanted and you left me. If only you'd let me help you instead of pushing me away--you could have had all of me, Jim. Every part of me.*

//And I don't understand
by the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall
I miss the little things
oh I miss everything//

Jim felt himself zoning out as he stared at Blair and he couldn't help it. Everything went white, his thoughts went blank, and his last memorable cognizant thought is that there would be no Blair to pull him out of this one.

Blair shook his head to clear it of the thoughts he couldn't seem to stop. *What if Jim zones out? What if Alex tries to hurt him again? What if something happens with his senses that he can't control? What if he needs his Guide and I'm not there?* His entire body ached, missing Jim, missing Jim's hand on the back of his Guide's neck, steering and leading. He missed all of Jim's touches, all of Jim. He had been skirting around the issue for months, but this forced him to admit it; he loved Jim, with all he was.

//It doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I left behind me
is a cold room.//

Blair got to his feet after coming to that realization in the middle of the cold, empty loft. Cold and empty, like he felt inside. He took one more deep breath before closing the front door behind him. He lowered his head as he walked against the wind, the harsh gusts combined with the pent up emotion blinded him with tears that kept him from seeing the zoned-out Sentinel collapsed on the sidewalk. Blair pulled up the collar on his jacket and turned his face towards Rainier, towards Hargrove Hall.

END