Title: Can't Fight the Moonlight
Author: Silk
Author Email: silkn1@worldnet.att.net
Rating: R
Pairing: J/B
Status: Complete
Date: 8/23/01
Category: Drama, First Times
Archive: Yes to WWOMB and CKoS
Author's Website: http://www.angelfire.com/ny4/tinsel/
Disclaimer: All things Sentinel belong to Pet Fly and Paramount. Not me. Not making any money on this either.
Author's Notes: As always, for Tinnean.
Story Notes: The R rating is for occasional bad language. Set post-TSbyBS. This is from Jim's POV. This story is a sequel to Serious Moonlight.
Summary: Jim finally listens to what his heart has been trying to tell him.
Warnings: m/m, angst
By Silk
***
I can see him standing there, his body haloed by moonlight, and I can't tell if I'm dreaming or not. How many times have I had this conversation with myself? Told myself not to want him? Or love him? Way too many to count.
It's hopeless. *I'm* hopeless. I'm a man who has let fear rule his life for so long, I don't know how to reach out anymore. But I have to try.
If I do nothing, I'm going to lose him for sure.
***
"Chief?"
He turns his head when he hears my voice. His face is in shadow. I could read his expression if I wanted to. But I'm afraid.
"Yeah, Jim?" His voice is so soft. It falls over my jittery senses like a blanket of fresh snow. All cool and powdery, it sifts into the tiny places where my skin itches and my eyes ache.
It's both soothing and frightening. Frightening because it seems like proof that the bond between us is hard-wired into my brain. Frightening because now I know exactly what I want to ask. Frightening because I can't help but fear the answer.
"Do you love me?"
The air is filled with tension. I don't know what I expect him to say. But then...suddenly I do.
"Yes," he whispers.
My heart knows only one way to interpret that, but unfortunately for me, my heart is not in charge. My head pounds uncontrollably. I begin to sweat despite the cool night air rushing in off the balcony.
"Do you love me?" For a moment, I think I'm repeating myself. Then I realize that the inflection is completely different, the emphasis on the last word. "Do you love *me*?"
He tilts his head and moonlight spills across his face, lighting it up at the same time that it seems to drain the life from him. "You," he echoes questioningly.
I want to be loved for *me*. Not as a Sentinel bound to his Guide. Not as a police detective bound to his quasi-official partner. Me. Jim Ellison. The product of years of emotional neglect compounded by tragedy and impossible life choices.
I'm no bargain. I know I don't even come close to deserving him. But as God and the fucking moon are my witnesses, I need him. He's the only one I haven't been able to push away. And I've tried.
I've dragged him into danger time and time again. I've even gotten him killed. But he always comes back to me.
I hope that's because he loves *me*, even though there's no percentage in it now.
All this time I've been thinking, I've been moving closer and closer to him. When I can reach out and touch him, I do. My fingertips trace the outline of his face. He stares at me without speaking. I don't even think he's breathing.
I thrust my fingers into his hair and he gasps. That's what I want. That little noise of need I surprised out of him. I lean my forehead on his. I can feel his warm breath on my lips. His eyes stay open when I rub my mouth against his.
My hands are shaking. He reaches up, without ever taking his eyes off me, and places his hands over mine. "It's okay, Jim," he whispers.
"Is it?" I ask. I need to know. I need to know the answer to this like I need to know my own name.
He holds my gaze for another few seconds. There is something in his eyes that I can barely make out. But I don't want to dial up my vision. I want to be Jim to his Blair. Just this once. Please, God.
He kisses me.
"I love *you*," he says. He understands. He truly does. My heart is beating so fast, I feel like I might pass out. But I can't. I don't want to miss a second of this.
His hands move over my head, caressing me from the top of my head to the nape of my neck. "I love you," he says again, but this time it's almost a mournful wail.
His lips linger on my jawline before they flutter lightly across my cheeks and my eyelids. His actions are so true and so uncomplicated, I can't help but believe in them. This is for real. This is him and me. Together.
I open my eyes and he stops. Just like that. Now I know what I see in his eyes. What's left of the heartbreak I caused. Finally. Something I can fix.
"I love you, Blair."
His dark blue eyes glisten suspiciously. "I love you, too. So much."
"I don't want you to leave me," I declare in as commanding a voice as I can muster. But the effect is spoiled by the hint of tears in my eyes and the sound of heartache lingering in my throat.
"But I have to. To-to be a cop. So I can be y-your partner, J-Jim."
"You don't have to become a cop to be my partner, Chief."
"But how else will we be together?"
*That* I knew the answer to. "Like this." I licked his lips and he opened his mouth for me. We kissed until we were so breathless, we could barely stand up.
"*This* is more important than being a cop, Chief."
Now I knew what it felt like to claim the other half of my soul. It had nothing to do with being a Sentinel or a Guide. But it had everything to do with being *us*.
Together.
End