By Bluesky

 Blair hung up the phone. Jim would be home soon. The gruff, short message conveyed just how stressed out he was. Simon was shouting in the background. Damn. For a moment he wished that he could be there. Perhaps he could sooth the stress over, find out what Simon was so freaked about.

Oh god. He was in one of the moods. Blair sighed to himself. For a moment he had the same conflict. He could go. He could leave and never come back. Sure he would be giving up his home. He had lost his dissertation, his shot at the brass ring, professorship, books tours, acclaim. The investment of the last four years. Plus, the years that he had spent looking, over half of his life for a dream inspired by a man that wrote fairy tails. Man.

But out of it he thought that he would at least save his friend. But more to the point, he would keep himself, not give in to the lure of cash, sell what was priceless for paper, position and status.

And it was just once in awhile. It was not going to go on forever. It could not be. Jim had to come around some time. He just needed this to... well trust him. To own him. Right. Every battered woman that did not leave, each abused partner said the same thing.

Even without Sentinel senses he could hear the elevator coming. He knew better than to have the radio or T.V. on when Jim was in this sort of state. Anything could set him off. SIGH.

Dinner was a Stoffers meatloaf. Jim hated his cooking at times like this, criticizing anything that he made. But this was a step above Wonderburger.

He sat on the couch, and opened his book. He didn't want to look like he was worried, or panicked that Jim was home. He hoped that his heart had not given him away. His breathing was calm. He was in control.

"Oh... hi Jim. How's it going?" He made an effort to be off handed, easy, and comforting. No sharp edges, just Blair, and what comfort Jim chose to find there. "Dinner's about done. Mashed potatoes or rice?"

"Potatoes with that gravy. Smells good. You should cook like this all the time." Jim hung up his coat and put his gun in the kitchen drawer.

Blair tried hard not to flinch from the deliberate insult. Jim knew that this was food from a frozen foil pan. He got up and started the instant potatoes. Jim loved them. He hated them. At least it was quick.

The meal was finished quickly, and Jim settled down onto the couch. Blair lingered over the dishes, cleaning each surface lovingly, sweeping the floor delaying joining his Sentinel on the couch.

"Enough Chief. Come on over and sit down."

Dreaded words. But Blair knew better than to delay any longer. He settled down on the side of the couch, pretending to be absorbed in the Jags game.

"What is the score?" he asked more out of rote then true interest.

It was expected. He knew the score. The one that mattered. He stared at the screen, but watched Jim out of the edge of his vision. What was to come was inevitable, but he wanted to be at least prepared for it, so that he would know not to struggle, to fight against what he had intellectually accepted as the price to pay for room and board and to be his Guide. Damn him and damn his Mom. It was her fault. If she hadn't sent his dissertation to Sid, he would have had his Ph.D. by now. He could have left. Had an option. Not that he wanted to. Not before this had happened, this change. It had been about friendship. Now it was more about ownership.

Jim seemed engrossed for the moment in the game. Blair closed his eyes, head back. Remembering...

<><><><><><>

"I need a partner that I can trust!"

Jim had sat on this very couch, arms folded and staring straight ahead, not looking at him. Oh, man. This was just too unfair. One unguarded moment and his Mom shattered his life. Wait. Have to be fair. She meant well. Jim was being unforgiving.

He didn't know what to do. Jim hadn't kicked him out. He had sworn that he wouldn't kick him out no matter what after the last time, but this stoic, silent and unforgiving person, he didn't know if he could live with that. Jim didn't hear any of the words that came from his mouth. Perhaps actions? Blair dropped to his knees before Jim. He continued to stare ahead, almost like a zone out.

"You've got to believe me. I would never hurt you. I would have found a way to protect you. I love you. "

Still nothing. Blair knelt letting his head fall onto Jim's hard chest. Oh well. suddenly Jim's hands grasped his face. Kissing him deeply... cruelly. Then with quick movement undid his zipper, and forced Blair's head down to his crotch. It was too much to be believed. He went with it. At that moment any offer of contact, or intimacies was better than none, and if sucking his cock would give Jim the proof that he needed that Blair could be trusted by him, well, it was a small price to pay. He had had on and off thoughts about just such an act, but had never dared risk it.

The feel of the zipper on his neck and face, the heady musk of his groin, the stiff cock salty taste as it was forced into his semi willing mouth, the hands behind his head, governing the short hard ride on the stiff cock violating his mouth. Blair was almost about to enjoy this, when Jim without warning shot into his mouth, near choking him, hands tangled in his thick curls, pressing him unrelentlessly into his groin, his thick long cock choking him... drowning in cum... can't breath... can't breath... just like the fountain...

He pulled away and ran to his room. Blair heard Jim leave. They had never talked about it. And the next day he had renounced publicly that his dissertation was a fraud. Jim and the department had gotten shot up and Blair had stayed. He was needed. He was offered a place, in a world where he was sure that he had none.

It was almost a week before the second time. Just sitting on the couch. Jim had been still on leave, his leg still in a cast, having been shot at least two times in the same leg not helping the healing at all. He was in pain. The medicines that he was taking either put him into an almost coma or didn't work at all. Blair had been fussing over him, trying to get him to try some tribal cure and...

"What I need is what you can give me."

He had an intent look on his face. It had less to do with love then Blair liked, but he felt Jim's hands on the back of his head, he knew what was wanted, expected. Like a Pavlovian dog at the ringing of a bell, he had dropped to his knees, and accepted the cock that was presented to him, dutifully sucking and accepting as Jim's hands once more almost forced his head on his member. This time he didn't choke as much, and didn't run to his room. Jim passed out, and Blair sat on the couch, silently shaking, almost crying with rage, grief, guilt and abandonment.

By the time that Jim had woken up, all evidence of the act was cleaned up or hidden. Blair was calmly reading. When Jim lifted his head from the back of the couch, Blair closed his book, smiled at his Sentinel, bade him good night and went to his bedroom.

And things had gone on more or less the same. Once a week or so he would find himself on his knees rendering service to Jim. It had happened like five times now. Each time Jim had passed out and Blair had managed to avoid the issue. It was not hard with "cop school" as he put it, and the divergent paths that they had most of the time during the day. Jim returned to half days at work. He had been his partner a few times and Meg had gone out with him also. He seemed to be in much better shape and nothing too risky. They had fallen into a passive partnership. Two ships that passed in the loft. Blair had taken on all of the cleaning, housework and shopping.

<><><><><><>

But now tonight. Jim was casting glances at Blair. Oh, dear. It was going to happen. Soon. He debated heading to his room. If he did that, would Jim come after him? Would it turn from being a loveless, joyless act to being out and out rape if he refused him? He just wasn't sure. He wasn't sure if he wanted to take that risk.

Jim stretched out an arm toward him, up along the back of the couch. Behind his head. It was all that he could do not to run screaming from the room.

"Jim, we need to talk."

Jim looked at Blair, scowling slightly. "Later."

With his left hand he undid his zipper, freeing his erection. It was almost frightening how detached he seemed at the moment, as he cupped Blair's head, slowly and steadily pulling him down to his crotch. Blair tried desperately to meet his eyes, to find some sign that this was not a violation, that there was some caring, some connection. That there was more to this than an overwhelming need, to... well, whatever this was, it was not love making.

"Jim! Please. You've got to stop. I don't want this, not like this."

Jim was frozen, for just a moment. The hand behind his Guide's head tightened, pulling on his hair. Without warning, he yanked his head back, slamming it on the back of the couch.

"How dare you!" Jim shouted at his quaking Guide.

His hand remained tangled in his hair, as Jim got up into Blair's face. His anger contorting it in to a mask of someone that he did not know.

"You turn me into this.. this... " he paused, unable to make a name for what he felt, and instead made a sweeping gesture at the two of them. "It's your fault," he said this calmly. He collected himself and slowly released his hand from Blair's hair. "You made me need you."

"It's okay, man. We can sort this out. I just need to do some..." He was about to say thinking, when a hand slammed him in the middle of his chest, pinning him like a bug to the couch.

"No TESTS! I have had enough of tests to last me a lifetime! There's nothing wrong with me. It's you! You’re making me do things... things that I don't want to do. Things that I have never done. Never wanted to do!" He took a deep breath.

The anger that was boiling over slowly melted away. Slowly he pulled his hand back, looking now in horror at the fearfully trembling Guide.

"Oh God. I'm so sorry. This is wrong. All wrong." Something akin to fear and self-loathing filled his eyes. "I don't know what to do anymore. I hate what I've become." He looked desperately at his Guide, hoping that he could once more pull a miracle out of his back pocket. "You've got to help me get a handle on this. You have to stop doing whatever it is that is making me do this. I only get this way around you. Why is that? Why?"

"I... I don't know Jim. It might be a...." Blair swallowed deeply. He was still shaken, torn by the need to flee, and the vision of his now seemingly shattered Sentinel. "...Sentinel-Guide thing. Your territory was invaded by the media, you have to stake your territory somehow. I don't know!"

He was frustrated. Scared. His heart was beating fast, too fast, and he was on the edge of a panic attack. Damn. Think Blair.

"I need you." Jim's head had dropped to his chest.

His hands were fists, clenched and shaking. His whole body was shaking. With a deep ragged sigh, it seemed that all of the air in his body released, and balloon-like he slowly collapsed, his hands opening, his entire being sagging in defeat, surrender.

Blair stared, open mouth and wide eyed. Jim had gone from hurtful aggressor to needing Sentinel in a handful of heartbeats. His Guide side of him kicked in. His Sentinel NEEDED HIM!

"Jim... Jim... it's okay. We can work this all out. It has got to be some sort of Sentinel-Guide thing. Let me help you." Tentative, one hand reaching out to the trembling hand of his Sentinel. "Is this okay Jim?"

A wordless nod. Blair held the hand gently. For just a few minutes nothing happened. It took Blair just that long to realize that Jim was still exposed, and the cock that had deflated with the rest of him was reawaking, stirring from the nest of boxers and jeans. Blair understood. Words would come later. He shifted his body and Jim's for easy access, and gracefully, lowered his head to his partner’s need. Just before he took the glands into his mouth, he glanced up at Jim, to see him staring at him from slanted hooded eyes. All signs of the anger, fear, grief and pain were gone. Instead he watched almost with a cold hunger, a greedy need, mixed with a yearning that was the only soft thing about him at the moment. Perhaps it was love. But at this point the only thing that Blair could do was to continue.

With one hand wrapped around the still growing cock, he lapped at the crown... swirling, dancing teasing and licking. Knowing just how sensitive that his Sentinel's skin was elsewhere, he tried something that he had heard of and had even had done to him once. An eyelash kiss. Butterfly like flapping of the eyelid to stroke the sensitive spots of his cock, over the head, under the crown, down the shaft, gifting him with the silken flutter of his long soft lashes, knowing that this should be an intense of an experience for him, hoping to school him in softer ways of love. Seduce his Sentinel, show him love and sensuality, like no one has ever before. He would prove to him his love, make him love him. Blair blew a warm gust of moist air over the erect penis, and slowly, oh so slowly, turned it to cool. He did this several times, slowly milking the shaft, wanting to give his wounded Jim a gift that would heal the hurt, ease what ever doubts he had. Blair knew that he could make this work. He flickered his eyelashes over the shaft once more.

"What the fuck are you doing, Sandburg?" Irritation rasped like grit eighty sandpaper on his Guide's sensibilities. "Just suck it for gods sake. We don't have to be here all day."

Shocked, Blair looked up at Jim. The look on his face was not anger, not yet, but impatience. "You don't like this?"

Blair was hurt, confused. He had wanted to seduce him. Give this love making as a gift. Show him that there was more to this than sex. Teach him joy; let him feel his love. Show him that this did not have to be some dirty, cold act. More than a ritual debasement, more than just getting your rocks off. Love making.

"It's okay. I don't need it though. The way you have been doing it... is fine. I don't want you to change anything."

Blair lowered his head once more, resuming his task, as much to hid his face, his tears and grief as to service his Sentinel. Taking the punishing large cock as deep into his mouth as he could, he resumed sucking Jim off. As he was laying on Jim, and Jim was sitting in such a way that he could not thrust up much, Blair had enough control of the situation that he was not choked, and could even pull back a bit when Jim came so that he did not feel like he was drowning.

Jim came with an explosive "Ahhhh...."

The first verbal show of appreciation that he had gotten from any of his administrations. It was a small mark gratifying that he could get him to give him that much. For a few moments, He was afraid of lifting his head, afraid of what he might find in Jim's eyes. He waited for long minutes, the softening cock slowly sliding away, he at last looked up to meet Jim's eyes.

He was asleep as usual. Blair felt so betrayed. Without cleaning Jim up, or covering him up, as he had done each time in the past, he went to his room and started to pack.

<><><><><><>

Blair had been moving slowly trying to be quiet. Jim was sure to be out for a few hours. He had been out the rest of the night the last times. The silent tears had at last dried. Methodically he sorted the things that he would need. Made choices. He had two bags. One held his uniform and things that he would need for school. If he stayed in school, he could stay in the dorms. As much as he couldn't see staying with Jim at the moment, he couldn't just walk away from it all now. The other bag held the things that he had carefully taken out of his emergency split bag two years ago... jeans, t-shirts and flannels. Oh yes. The emergency one-hundred dollar bill that he had learned early on to always have on him. Living like he had, looking like he had, the best advice that his Mom had given him was to have that on hand so he couldn't be charged with vagrancy, and who knew, some time it might come in handy.

It had a number of times. Like when Jim needed a real hundred to compare to the fake one's. The fact that he didn't get the hundred back for several weeks was a telling point. He had had to go to Jim for several small loans, to cover. That should have clued him in back then. How had Jim known that he had hundred bucks on him that day unless he had been watching much more closely than he had thought.

He had been suckered all along. Jim had been controlling him. Leading him on. He didn't love him. Jim was a cold... no, not cold, he could love. He just destroyed or was almost destroyed by everything that he ever thought that he loved. Maybe that is why he couldn't admit to loving him. Loving Blair would make him venerable. Sex, that was different. If all that happened was that Blair blew him, well that wasn't love. Hell, Jim was blaming him for the needs that he had. In his mind he was probably still "straight".

A fresh tear trickled down his face as he picked up his packed bags off of the bed and turned to leave. Jim was standing in the doorway. The look on his face was hard and unyielding and unreadable.

"Going somewhere?" The voice managed to convey cold contempt, fear of abandonment and deadly hurt in equal measures.

Oh shit.

Blair stood, frozen. Deer in headlight still, clutching his packed bags. How long Jim had been watching him he had no clue. A short tense eternity passed, as the two men stared at one another.

"I'm so sorry, Jim. It's just not working. I can't go on like this. It hurts too much." Tight voiced hard to contain pain, not since Maya left him the first time had he hurt this bad. At least she in her fashion had loved him. Had offered herself to him. And he had toss that aside for Jim's sake. Hell. He was in hell.

"Hurts? You want to know what hurts? That you would just run out on me. Leave without saying a word. I was right not to trust you! You all but destroy my life; hold me up for ridicule. My life has been a joke, for years now. You have no idea what crap I have had to put up with due to you! The kiss noises made when we walked down the street that you couldn't hear, the comments that I must be fucking you, that you were my sweetheart. Then this fraud thing. Makes it look like you have this crush on me and I still let you live here. What does that make me look like?" He took a deep breath "A god damn fairy! I never looked at another man! Not in the Army, not in Vice. It's something that you're doing to me! I never should have trusted you. Trusted all of this Guide crap. Then you come on to me, and bam... Jim Ellison is a fag!"

The complete and utter unfairness of most, if not all of the statements so overwhelmed and undermined Blair that he was forced to drop his bags, and sit on the bed. Paralyzed by the weight of the accusations, destroyed by the anger, he was mute and powerless. To have his friend of four years turn on him, after everything that they had been through. Life and Death, sharing a bond that he had though was deeper than marriage, stronger than mere friendship. A bond that transcended and refused death. He was Jim's Guide. Jim was his Sentinel.

This was just so wrong.

Jim stood standing in the doorway, watching his numb Guide. Just sitting, crushed, broken and devastated, but not leaving. That was the important thing. He was not going anywhere.

Blair was unaware of how long he had been sitting, staring at the amethyst geode on the shelf above his bed. Jim had joked once that it could fall down and kill him, but Blair had liked the balance that the crystal gave to the room. It reminded him of his Mom, a gift from her. It was to bring harmony, take all of the negative energy's out of the room, balance it. It wasn't doing a very good job at the moment. Hollow. Empty. Even when Jim had kicked him out of the loft that time, and he found all of his stuff in boxes, it had not been this bad. This had to be some sort of Sentinel thing. It had to be.

Without warning, he felt Jim sit on the bed behind him, beside him. His arms for the first time in weeks went around him in a hug, pulling the shell shocked Guide into the comfort of the long hoped for, needed embrace. Touch. Need. Pain. Grief. Release.

It didn't matter at this moment that the pain he was being comforted for had been inflicted by Jim. It just mattered that Jim's arms were at last around him. Blair turned to the warm hard chest and crushed himself to it, his arms clutching onto Jim like that of a drowning person to a life guard. Tears that he didn't know that he still could shed sprang forth. He sobbed, heart wrenching, gut tearing soul destroying gasps, wailing like a lost and frightened child.

"It's going to be fine. I promise you. I'll always take care of you. No matter what you've done to me, that will never change. I'm your Blessed Protector, after all." Jim whispered this softy in Blair's ear, rocking him slightly, comforting and forgiving.

"Jim, things have to change, I can't... not like... I want..." Blair choked out, between sobs and gasps.

"It's okay, baby. It's all going to be okay." Jim cradled Blair's head on his shoulder, and smiled coldly, finally satisfied.

Oh no. Blair was not going any were.

For long moments the two men held one another in a desperate union, as Blair cried himself out. Jim rocked him, whispering soft endearments and much longed for comforts.

"It's going to be okay, sweetheart. Things are going to change. You'll see. It's going to be okay. You've always taken such good care of me. I have to learn to accept that you need to take care of me this way too." Jim cupped the tear streaked face of his Guide in his hands, and looked deep in to his blue eyes. "Perhaps we need to learn how to take care of each other all over again?"

Still stricken, Blair could only nod. "It has been hard for me. You have to understand that, but I want to make it right. Make it better."

Softy, Jim stroked Blair's face, tracing his ears, caressing his neck. In a slow deliberate movement, he lowered his lips to Blair's, and kissed him, the first kiss ever. Cool lips softy bussed Blair's swollen ones, closed and chaste. Just resting gently on his Guide's, barely perceptible movements, gliding his full lower lip back and forth, puckering slightly inviting.

Blair responded as a starving man. The tender exploration, the utter lack of demand or force was a balm for his shattered soul. He opened his mouth to Jim's kiss, and tightened his arms around his neck. Trembling fingers pressed to the back of Jim's head, holding him as though he was afraid that this would vanish, that the now sweet and tender lover in his arms. The longed for embrace, the much needed words, and healing touch would vanish if he did not hold it fast. In the weeks that he had passed, ever since he had tossed himself at his Sentinel's feet in desperate supplication, Jim had scarcely touched him, only demanded that his needs be met, appetites satisfied.

The hollow feeling inside was rapidly being filled with the sensations of Jim's hands on his back, rubbing, easing the too stiff back, sliding under his shirt, his tee shirt, finger tips playing on touch starved flesh, mouth now open and yielding to Blair's needing tongue, passive and permissive to his Guide's exploration. Giving sanction to the passions that Blair was at last giving vent to, at long last given the freedom to unbutton his Sentinel's shirt, to touch his chest, stroke the hard planes of his flesh, toy with the nipples that he had only hoped for, working them perhaps a touch too hard in his eagerness, as Jim suddenly pulled back, breaking the kiss.

"Let me touch you, Chief." Jim smiled at him. Oh it was so sweet. Just like old times, the tenderness that he had showed, rare display of his soft spot for his Guide. "After all turn about is fair play."

"All right!" Eager whole hearted agreement. Blair was trembling, with excitement, need and still with a touch of the shock of the events of the last hour. "Man, I have wanted this so much. Wanted you so much."

A pained look crossed Jim's face. "Hush. Just let me... do this... okay?"

Quickly deftly he stripped Blair of his shirts and watched as Blair divested himself of his shoes, socks and pants, kicking them under the bed. Pushing the packed bags off of the bed, all but dragging Jim down on the bed with him. Jim resisted his own clothing being stripped from him, but reluctantly allowed Blair to strip him of his shirt and pants. At last, the two were settled, Jim still in his boxers, for some reason that only he knew.

"Just lay back. Let me."

And with that ruthlessly, he began a gentle assault on Blair's body, exploring and touching, and teasing. Sometimes tasting, roaming hands hitting without error each hot spot of receptor on his naked Guide’s body. It lasted (if that) all of five minutes. Too long denied, too full of need, too empty of touch and still on edge from the emotional roll-a-costar ride that Jim had put him through, Blair came in a long shuddering twitching noisy stream, under Jim's hands, and across Blair's belly.

It was all so too much to take. At that moment he found that he could forgive Jim for falling asleep after he had satisfied him. The last that he was aware of was of Jim tenderly cleaning him up with his t-shirt, a wistful amused smile on his face.

So tired... so sleepy... he could not help himself. "I love you, Jim."

"I know. It's okay." A kiss on the forehead, and Blair was out.

<><><><><>

How long he was asleep Blair didn't know. Just that he woke up, covered with the afghan from the couch, and alone. The room was dark, as was the living room, and music softy played, so low that he could hardly hear it.

He padded into the next room. It was dark, but he could see Jim sitting in front of the fireplace, flickering light playing on his face. An intent look, almost a zone out. He was focusing on the music

Beauty and grace is what touches me most

Good times can put me in fear,

I always feel safe when things are bad

So I cannot let you come near

It seems that I thrive on the dark side of things.

I always feel alive when the death bell rings. Now you come and bring out the tears in me.

Pain never makes me cry, but happiness does.

It's so strange to watch your life walk by,

Wishing it was,

Wishing it was more like a fantasy,

Where every day surprises me,

wishing it was.

This feeling won't last cause I cannot survive

I tell you I've been here before

when it's moving this fast

It's a matter of time

One of us walks out that door.

It seems that I thrive on the dark side of things

I always feel alive when the death bell rings.

Now you come and you bring out the tears in me.

Give this some thought

And I am sure you will know

This is the way it must be

Emotions will rise, emotions will flow.

you bring out the tears in me.

Blair watched his Sentinel, enveloped in the low music, tears on his face reflecting the firelight like gems. The Santana song spun to an end, and another began. Jim turned his head, looking at Blair in the near dark. Blair was aware of the fact that he knew that Jim could see him perfectly well, and that he was naked but for the afghan around his shoulders.

Hay now, all you sinners

Put your lights on Put your light on,

Hay now all you lovers

Put your lights on Put your lights on

Hay now, all you killers, put your light on, put your lights on

"Hey Jim." Blair paused, unsure of were to go or how to go about this.

So he did the Guide thing. Watch your Sentinel. Go to him. Comfort him. Blair joined his Sentinel on the rug in front of the fireplace, not touching him, wrapping the afghan around himself, and waited.

Hay now, all you children, Leave your lights on,

put your light on,

Hay now, all your children,

Leave your light on You better leave your lights on

Because there a monster

living under my bed

Whispering in my ear,

There's a darkness deep in my soul

I still got a purpose to serve

So let your light shine,

into my home,

God don't Let me lose my nerve

Lose my nerve.

There is a angel with a hand on my head

She says I've got nothing to fear

She says, whooo-ahha hey la la, you shine like stars.

Whoo-aohaha, hey la la,

you shine like stars,

And fade away

No words were spoken, the music wove around them, both locked in there own silence, own pain. Like very old china, likely to crack if lifted under its own weight.

Smooth..

Like seven inches from the midday Sun,

I hear your whisper and the words melt every one

But you stay so cool,

Jim sighed and turned to Blair, his arm open in supplication, begging with his eyes, unspoken need and pain pouring off of him.

Your my reason for reason

The step in my groove.

Blair came to him, abandoning the afghan folding himself naked into Jim's arms, settling into the hollow of his lap, wrapping his arms around him, grounding him, anchoring with his touch.

And If you said this life

an't good enough,

I would give my world to lift you up

I could change my life to better

suit your mood

Cause you're so smooth.

Comfort. True comfort. Blair kissed the tears off of his lover’s face, and Jim licked at the dried tracks of tears from Blair's face. Tender true caring, love twisted, bottled, denied, and smothered beyond recognition, but there and not to be denied.

And it just like the occam

under the moon

Well that the same as the emotion

that I get from you

You got the kind of loving that could

be so smooth.

Give me your heart and make it real

Or else forget about it.

"I do love you, Blair. I can't help myself. I hate myself. I know that this is so wrong." Jim sighed, and buried his face in his Guide's unruly mass of curls, taking comfort in its softness, breathing in the sweet smell of it.

Well, I'll tell you one thing

If you would leave it would be a crying shame

In every breath and every word

I hear your name calling me out

Our from the barrio, you hear my rhythm

on your radio

You feel the turning of the world

so soft so slow

Turning you round and round.

"I love you too, Jim. This hasn't been easy for either of us. I never meant to... for things to be this way. " Blair pulled back, and looked in Jim's eyes, noting the pain, the open grief, and at last, the love. If only it did not come at so high of a price. "Do you think that we could go back to the way that things were before? When I was just your partner your side kick, your Tonto?" The last was said, softy, teasing, even as he cupped Jim's face in a decidedly un-Tonto like way.

Jim turned his head into that caress, and deposited the softest of kisses into his palm. "I think that we are past any going back. God knows, I wish that we could. I wish we could be... " He looked at Blair, pain, love and need, rich in his eyes. "...different. If only you were a woman, this would be okay. If only ...." Jim stopped and sighed. "Why do you have to be so lovable?" He crushed Blair to him. "If only I could have resisted you."

Were you are is were I wanna be

And through your eyes all

the things I wanna see

And in the night

your are my dream

You're every thing to me

Your are the love of my life

And the breath in my prayers

Take My hand, lead me there

What I need is you here

I can't forget when were are one

From your lips

The heavens pour out

I can't forget that when we are one

With you alone I am free.

"That is us Blair. I knew that long time ago." The music continued.

Every day every night you alone

You're the love of my night

Everyday, every night, you alone

Your're the love of my life

We go dancing in the moon light

with the starlight in your eyes

We go dancing till the sunrise

You and me we're gonna dance,

dance dance.

"So were do we go from here Jim?" He asked this Sentinel soft, hurt some at some of the things that Jim had said, but accepting it as his feelings.

The Santana Supernatural C.D. had played many times, in repeat random order. In truth Blair was more than a bit tired of it. He knew that this was Jim's favorite group, but it was beginning to give him a headache.

"I am not sure, Chief. But it's late. We should go to sleep. You have an early class, I've got work."

"Right, man. You're so right. Night, Big Guy."

Unsure of so many things, not knowing what to do or say, Blair gave Jim a peck on the cheek, and started to scramble out of his Sentinel's lap. He longed to ask Jim to sleep with him, or better yet to be asked to join him in that big soft feather bed upstairs. But was unsure of a welcome, or even if it was a good idea. He needed time to process, to come to terms with all of the interplay that had been happening between them. As comforting as Jim's arms around him had been, he seriously needed a time out. He was almost at his bedroom door when...

"Where do you think that you are going?" Jim's voice was teasing, but still had that note of command.

"A-hem... to bed?" He flashed Jim a startled look.

"Right. Get your butt upstairs, Chief. Neither of us needs to sleep alone tonight." Aggressive and playful like he had not been in weeks, a half smile playing on his lips.

"Okay, got you." Blair continued into his room to get his tee and boxers.

Jim must have read his mind. "Don't bother Chief. New rule. When you are upstairs with me, you're naked." A harsh playful sexy dangerous half growl underlined the words.

Blair shivered in mixed feelings of arousal and unease. The trip up the steps felt like a journey into another world. And him without a passport, or knowing the language.

<><><><><><>

Blair stood naked next to the bed, unsure of his next action. Jim slid under the covers, still in his boxers. A suddenly shy, smile at him, as patted the right side of the bed. Blair slid under the quilt and Egyptian cotton sheets, so soft, so smooth, soothing blue.

Blair and Jim hugged, and fumbled a kiss, clutching one another in need other than passion or sex. A look at the clock on the table. It was not that late. 11:30 p.m.

"Jim, man, we need to talk..."

"New rule, Chief. No talking up here. Just us. When we talk, it's downstairs."

"But Jim, It’s important.. I know that...."

Jim silenced him with a kiss. It was not a passionate kiss. It was slow, and sweet, more of a good night, "Go to sleep." Playfully he thawaped him on the head with two fingers, then ruffled his hair.

Jim was touching him. Holding him. It was not unreasonable that he become aroused. What had happened before was not mind boggling, but had been good, needed, but too fast. For the last five weeks, sex had been a non issue, a self contained need, less important than brushing teeth, seen to perhaps in random moments. He had been so twisted up with what had been happening with him and Jim, cop school, and putting his life back together, that it had not been an issue. But now he had a lover. Or at least he hoped that he did. He loved Jim, and Jim had said that he loved him.

Jim had also said that this was wrong, regretted that he was not a woman. Had stated that he had never looked at a guy, blamed him for the needs that he had, that Blair had seduced him into some fairy-land, destroying a place in him and shaking his world view of himself. He had never had a male lover. Who knows what old baggage he had hanging around, things that he had repressed, things even from his vice days.

As much as he wanted to touch Jim, touch him arouse him, give willing what had been more or less demanded before, trade need for need, passion for passion, love for love, he hesitated. A lot had happened tonight. Jim had ruled out talking.

But he had also said that he had to be naked. Tentatively he moved seeking knowledge of Jim's state of affairs, if he was also aroused. After the last few weeks, he might have some right to touch, to invite, to ask to share.

Jim captured his hand, seeming knowing of his intent. He shook his head, and instead guided his Guide's hand back down to his own need, wrapping his fingers over and around his hard and needing erection.

"Go for it. Show me. Let me feel you." Jim whispered in Blair's ear, hot breath an excitement in and of it's own.

No one has ever had to ask Blair twice about sex. Well, Maya, but that was different. She was a virgin, and he was falling in love with her. This how ever was Jim. And he loved him.

"Help me?"

"Always."

Jim's fingers skimmed over his chest, holding and touching, releasing, stroking, re-finding the hot spots of the first time, discovering more, playing with the inside of his elbows, licking his neck, nipping at his shoulders, playing with his bellybutton, somehow never going below his waist.

"Jim, please.. I'm going to... Iamgoingto Iam. ...oh..."

At last his hand descended on him, and Blair bucked up into the pressure that covered the head of his cock, His mouth latching onto Jim's, darting his tongue into his Sentinel's, seeking completion on more than one level.

Passion receded, and he rode the last waves out from orgasms beach. Jim stroked his hair in a friendly gentle movement, petting his hair back, carefully removing the handful of tissues that he had used to capture Blair's ejaculation wiping him down cleaning him up. Disposing of it in the trash, pulling the draw string tight, sealing it.

"Thank you. Good night, Big Guy." Blair reached for Jim, seeking cuddling, to share after glow.

"Night, Darwin." A last head pat, and Jim rolled over, and went to sleep.

Blair, disappointed, curled up as close as he dared, and mediated till he fell asleep.

<><><><><><>

Morning found Blair alone, the alarm going off giving him just enough time to get showered and dressed. When he went to get his uniform out of the bag, he found it ironed, and hung back up in his closet, and all of his stuff replaced in its usual spots. He was filled with a mixture of gratitude and annoyance. He didn't have time even for an algae shake, but found ten bucks on the counter near the half full pot of coffee. A flash back to the days of when he was a student and Jim knew he was short of lunch cash, and would leave him unasked a ten or a twenty from time to time. It brought a lump to his throat, remember the old days, when Jim looked out for him, and he for Jim, uncomplicated. Why did things have to change? He pocketed the ten and headed to class.

It was going to be a long ride. An accident up ahead. Oh well. He put on a C.D. trying to relax.

She is taking her time making up reasons

To Justify the hurt inside.

Guess she knows for the smiles and the look in there eyes everyone got a

theory about the bitter one.

There're saying "Mama never loved her much"

And Daddy never keeps in touch

That is why she shies away from human affection.

That could be Jim. His Mom gone, abandoning him, His dad cold and distant, the two of them not speaking for near eighteen years.

But some were in a privet place She packs her bags for outer space

And now she is waiting for the right kind of Pilot to come and she'll say to him

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be.. If you will be my baby.

Got a ticket for a world were we belong so would you be my baby?

An idea came to Blair. If Jim could use music to talk to him, perhaps he could do the same.

She can't remember a time when she felt needed If love was red then she was color blind.

All her friends they've been tried for treason

And crimes that were never defined.

She's saying "Love is like a barren place.

And reaching out for human faith, Is like a journey I just don't have a map for"

He was Jim's Guide. He was the Map. Jim had been hurt, abandoned, had love shatter in his hands, love one's die in his arms too often. Perhaps that is why he had such a hard time opening to him. Blair smiled to himself. It was time for him to be the Guide. To take charge. To show Jim where they were going. He might have been striped of all credibility as a teacher, but one thing he did know. It was James Ellison.

It was time to tame his Sentinel once more. Gentle him, soothe him and settle his fears. This was all some fear based response. He might be afraid that he would leave. He had all most said as much, with the song that he was crying to, words that he could not say, words that he would not let Blair say to him. Well, that was going to change, starting tonight.

All the mixed emotions,

we keep locked away like stolen pearls

Stolen pearl devotions we keep locked away from all the world.

Your kisses are like pearls, so different and so rare

But Anger stole the jewels away

and love has left you bear.

Made you cry... These tears of pearls.

Well, I could be the tired joker

pour my heart out to get you in

Sacrifice my happiness Just so I could win

Maybe cry..

These tears of pearls

<><><><><><>

The day alternately flew and dragged. It was a half day, so he could head into the station. Calling, asking Jim if he had anything going on that he could use help on, there was a hesitation, one that had not been there before.

"I'm good." Pause. " You do whatever you want to." And hung up.

That was not uncommon. Calls under a minute were free, and he and Jim and gotten making 45 second calls down to a science. Do whatever he wanted to. Damn. He wanted to be with Jim, he wanted to go to the loft and meditate. He wanted to fix whatever was wrong with Jim, with him. Before he would not have even asked if Jim wanted him at the station. He would just show up.

Stupid Sandburg. You're the one that's changing up on him. In the end he opted for going in to the station. At best he could help Jim with some paperwork, at worst, he could use the gym for a bit if Jim was put off by him coming there. He just had to remember to be himself. If he could just remember who or what that was.

He was so screwed.

The bullpen was the same as ever, or as close as it could get after the clean up, the smell of new paint and plaster and wood, fabric and plastic plain even to his non-Sentinel nose. How could Jim handle it? Evidently by dialing it down. Jim was not aware that Blair was even in the building till he said his name in front of him, or else he had been zoning.

He seemed glad to see him, and accepted his help on the usual mountain of paper work. At last done, heading for home, taking Jim's truck, and leaving Blair's car, so that tomorrow they would ride in together, as Blair had later classes. That suited Blair fine.

Jim's older truck had no C.D. player, or Blair might have started his plan then and there.

"I have a C.D. that I want you to hear to when we get home." Blair tried to say it lightly...

"Sure, Chief. As long as it is not about Building Little Bird house's in your soul. I still don't get that one."

And they were off, talking music, taste and oldies and goodies and new and weird. It was just like old times. Before the ... change.

<><><><><><>

"Pizza or Chinese? I don't feel much like cooking. And I know it's my turn." Jim's hand was reaching for the phone, looking at Blair, questioning.

"Sound’s great! Chinese it is! How about Buddha Delights? And steamed dumplings. Thanks Jim! I just want to jump in the shower quick. Be right out." This was so cool. It would give him a chance to get prepared. A clean Guide was a sexy Guide and he had been reading up. He had some preparing to do. Blair smiled to himself.

Blair was acting odd. Even for him. Jim picked up the CD that Blair had been so intent on showing to him. He popped it in the CD player, and set it on random play, very low, and settled down to wait for take out and his Guide.

We stumble in a tangled web,

Decaying friend ships almost dead.

And hide behind a mask of lies

We twist and turn and we avoid

I see the truth inside your eyes

So take all this noise into your brain

And send it back again

I'll bear the cost, shead my skin, call

You up and then..

I'll say the words out loud.

You could resurrect a thousand

Words to deceive me more and more

A thousand words will give the reasons why I don't need you

Any more.

Time manipulates your heart,

preconceptions torn apart

Begin to dout the my state of mind

But I won't go down on what I sad

I won't retract convictions read

I may perplex, but I 'm not blind

Jim cut the power to the sound system, shaking. What did this mean? Is this what Blair had wanted to show him, that he was betrayed or betrayer? That he didn't need him any more? That the partnership, the friendship was at an end? The thousand words, that was clearly his thesis, the lies, the masks, that was there life. That was now. Oh God. Just when things looked like it might work out for once.

Jim didn't hear the knock on the door. "Jim? Can you get that?"

Minutes passed, at last Blair got out of the shower, paid the delivery person, and tipped him for the cooling food. Were the hell was Jim? Towel still wrapped around his waist, He was about to head up the stairs, when he noticed the glow from the CD player. Hum. Jim was sitting on the chair in front of the system, but the headphones were not on. He was zoned. Damn.

"Jim?" Softy, he spoke his Sentinel's name.

What had he zoned on? He looked at the high-tech C.D. player. It showed Savage Garden, the C.D. that he had wanted to play for Jim, but... it was on track 9 "A Thousand Words". Shit. Grabbing the jewel case he pulled out the song sheet. OH MY GOODNESS. This was so not what he wanted to convey to Jim! This was far too close to what might be, have been, could still be, for comfort. It was not about love or trust, or learning to give. If Jim heard this, and thought that this is what he wanted to tell him, no wonder that he had zoned.

He had to fix this. He had to. He was more than his Sentinel. He was his love. All of the doubt that he had been plagued with all day was striped aside looking at the blank bleak lost face.

He had to save him. Save himself.

He turned on the system. Jim had turned it down so low that he could not hear it. Not knowing what else to do, he turned up the speakers till he could just hear it, and started the C.D. from 1, and kneeled on the floor in front of him Holding his love's face, whispering words of love and need, and grounding.

Dinner was going to be cold and late.

Blair held the remote for the sound system in his hand, ready to shut it off at a moments notice. Carefully he looked at the play list, and made his choices, keeping one eye on his zoned Sentinel. His attempts to bring him back had not worked. He had not been this deep into a zone in a long time. Years. Shit. He was so close to his feelings now. Perhaps that is why it was so hard for him to love, to be open. Blair remembered Carol say that about her ex-husband, that he was too distant, that he could not open and share his feelings. He seldom kissed her. He touched Blair more than he had ever touched her. Damn. If Jim treated her like he had been treating him, no wonder she left him. It was clear that Jim loved her, at least as much as he was capable of. What if this was all that he could give to him?

Sex, love and touching all seemed to be in different compartment for him. Separated by that trust issue. He could trust a friend. Could he trust a lover? Could he learn to trust him once more? The near blank blue eyes looked past him, beyond him. What did he see? Alex had seen the cells of her skin, the molecules of water, of the air, had drowned in sensations. Jim had for a brief space of time been there with her. Shared such a moment that most humans did not have even the capacity for. But he did not trust her, did he love her, at some Sentinel primal instinctual level love her? Could he truly love Blair, share what most people held to be love and affection? How much was due to his truly fucked up childhood, how much to the very thorough caveman instincts that made him a Sentinel? What would he have to give up to be his lover?

He had given up so much to be his Guide. What else did he have to give up? He had given him his life, his plans, his thesis, his standing in the academic community. He would never be Professor Sandburg. That had been his one dream in life. The one constant and true. The thing that would validate his whole life. To be a teacher. Now he was a unwanted teacher in a one student class room. Great.

But Blair was not a quitter. He would never have lasted at Jim's side for the last four years. He was good at using what was at hand to make things happen. He had no time to pour over books, or search in ancient texts. Jim had zoned on this song, from a C.D. that he had made a point of wanting him to hear. He had got a message, but the wrong one. For a moment he wanted to smash the Savage Garden C.D., but that would not change or fix anything. He could only take him back through the experience, and talk him through it. Hope that he could fix this and then he would never never do this to himself. He would make Jim talk. Music could be the language for many things, but some things needed to be said out loud, no matter how painful.

The music started, soft and low. The first track, the one that was so close to Jim's life, abandoned by his Mom, shut out by his Dad, not trusting anyone. To the moon and back. He let it play through once, then re started the song, taking Jim's face in his hands, almost in his lap.

"Jim. I love you. I need you to come back from wherever you are now. I want to be your Guide, your map, your contact. Your lover."

Slowly he kissed and stroked his Sentinel. Face and arms, back, through his tee shirt, slowly touching his neck, massaging his scalp, trying to break down the walls, the barriers that he held back trying to be gentle, not knowing how sensitive he was at this moment, how far away he was, needing to connect on a physical level as well as a spiritual one.

"I want you" came on, and he quickly switched it to the next one. "Madly Truly", better for the moment.

Softy Blair sang with the music, whispering the words, as he held himself to the chest of his love.

"I'll be your dream be your wish, your hope your fantasy be every be your

hope your love, your every thing that you need.

I'll love you more with every breath

Truly Madly, deeply do

I will be strong, I will be faithful

Cause I'm counting on

A new beginning

A reason for living

A deeper meaning.

I want to stand with you on a mountain, I want to bathe with you in the sea

I want to lay like this forever

Until the sky falls down on me. And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky

I'll make a wish to send it to heaven

Then make you want to cry

The tears of joy for all the

plusher in the certainty

That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of

The highest powers

in lonely hours

the tears devour you.

"I want to stand with you on a mountain, I want to bath with you in the sea.....

"Okay, Chief. I get the point." Blair looked up, eyes moist, to see Jim smiling down at him.

"Jim... I do love you."

Relief made him weak, and it was all that he could do to hold on to his partner, and shake. He realized that he was still naked, but for the towel, and that he had been kneeling for near a hour, trying to reach his zoned Sentinel.

"I love you too."

He scruffed Blair's hair, but Blair grabbed the back of Jim's head, and pulled him down for a kiss, Jim resisting a tad, but giving in slowly opening to it, more with patience than with passion or need.

"The food is cold by now. Smells like they put MSG in it. Want me to call and tell them to fix your order?" Jim looked at his Guide, affection deep in his eyes.

Jim was talking about food. He had zoned deeper and harder than he had in years, it had taken him an hour to bring him back, and Jim was talking about food!

"Sure. Tell them to bring some hot and sour too."

Blair fled into his room, to toss on sweats. He was so cold. If only he could just warm himself on Jim. The night was still young. And so was he.

Jim was putting the rice and his food in the microwave, and the hot dumplings sitting on the table. He came over, and put his hand on Blair's shoulder, squeezed it, smiling. Okay... things were back to what passed for normal. Damn. That... was not what he was trying for.

Blair made tea, as Jim set the table, chopsticks and paper plates that came with the food, a beer for both of them. The advantage of having a Chinese take out down the street on the same block is that food came fast most of the time. The delivery person at the door made amends, and exchanged the food, apologized for the MSG and gave them the soup for free. Wow. Settling down at the table to eat, for a moment Jim's eyes locked with his Guide's. For just one moment Blair thought that the food and the table were going to be swiped to the floor, and that Jim would take him NOW on the table. The hunger there was as strong as the taste of the hot and sour soup, as sweet as the duck sauce, and gone like it had never been.

"Soup is good, want some?" Blair tossed some of the fried noodles in, even knowing the fried noodles were bad for him.

"Got egg drop. The dumplings are not bad reheated. For steamed that is."

"Want to go to the Jag's game next weekend? I have the night off." Jim offered in an off handed way. "It's Saturday. Simon has tickets. He can't make it."

"Sure. As long as no one try's to hijack the team, that could be fun!"

The two men laughed, police humor.

"Just bring your piece just in case..." Jim stopped.

"I have to." Abruptly, the reminder of old scars, of changes, of the way that things use to be, and now were not, put a damper on the situation. Time to change tactics.

"So what do you want to do tonight, Jimbo?"

"Well, Voyager is on soon. Then was going to head up to bed." He looked at his Guide. "Want to join me?"

"Sure." It was all that he could say.

It was almost like old times. Even sharing a bowl of popcorn, and finishing off three beers in front of the T.V., making comments about the highly unlikely pairings that were formed on the show.

"I don't know. Who would you see Janeway with? Tom, Tuvock, Chakotay, or B'Elanna?"

"Seven of Nine." Jim was firm about that.

"Why? Think that due to her saving her from the Borg that she would turn to her as a mentor? Or that Janeway had the hots for her? And that is why she saved her?"

"Nope. Just think that would be hot to watch."

He grinned at Blair's open mouth, and pulled him over to nouggie him. It turned it to a tickling match, upending the thankfully empty bowl on the floor, and ending with Blair breathless and pinned by Jim's legs and arms on his lap. Jim couldn't let him go, without risk of being tickled. Blair squirming, his back to Jim's hard chest. Turned his head, and kissed Jim on the cheek, as close to his mouth as he could.

Jim froze. Oh Please, don't have a zone out now. Blair would never get free if he did that. "That is cheating, Chief. "

Held Blair for another moment, not moving. Much. Blair could feel the quickening erection, pressed into his left thigh, and micro squirmed a bit, trying to get more of a feel for it.

Jim released Blair so quickly, and removed him from his lap so gently that he was unprepared for the action. "It's time for bed."

Without looking at Blair, Jim headed for the bathroom, leaving his Guide confused and unsure. Was what he said before an invitation to join him? Jim left the bathroom, and stopped at the foot of the stairs. Not looking at him.

"I'm heading to bed, Chief."

No good night. Was that due to him expecting him to join him? Or was he too up set to say goodnight?

Blair thought hard, brushing his teeth extra long, too hard. A drop of blood. Damn. That would bug Jim. He used the Tom’s mouthwash, hoping that would dull the taste and scent of the blood. Hell. He was in hell. He striped off his sweats and left them on his bed. If Jim did not want him in his bed tonight, he would have to tell him.

Resolve almost left him as he climbed the stairs. But it was better to be rejected than to lay down stairs and wonder all night long.

<><><><><><>

The light by the bed was on low, high enough that Blair could see. Jim would not need a light. He must have left it on for him. That was hopeful. Jim was under the covers, his sleeping mask on. Damn. The last time that he had used that to his knowledge was when his senses had gotten way hyper. Perhaps this is a bad idea. He almost turned and went back down the stairs.

"What are you waiting for, an invitation?"

"As a matter of fact, yes."

"Okay. Get over here."

"You’re such a charmer."

Blair slid in what was becoming his side of the bed. Something was different. A velour blanket was down over the sheet, soft and plush and oh so sensual. He ran his hand over it, reveling in the feel of it, the sensation of it on his naked body. He had vowed to himself that he would be still and quiet if Jim was asleep, but he was finding hard to keep still with the ticklish softness of the plush pushing into his body.

It was as much of a turn on as Jim being next to him. One or the other he could resist, but the two were just too much stimulation. He was rock hard, needing, finding it hard to keep his hands to himself, or from himself. Jim had banned talking from the bedroom. Well, actions could speak louder than words. Jim put this blanket down for a reason. Stimuli and response. Now to decide what his response was going to be. He had given Jim blow jobs, had his affection, gotten sexual attention from him, abet hesitantly, But not all at the same time. The man had no clue about afterglow or foreplay, even during play. It was as though love and sex were two separate issues. And trust was some place in a different zip code.

Blair rolled over and fit his body along his Sentinel's side, half over his body, his head on his chest, arms around him, leg over his thighs, just touching his balls, and cock, sliding softly along the firmness that was there.

And he stopped. Even with his erection straining, pressed hard and needing into Jim's hip, He just stayed there, holding. Not giving in to the strong urge to just rub off, grind his cock into the silk sheathed flesh that was so warm and hard before him. Jim was hard. It would not take much to reach out, and fondle him, stroke him, perhaps even suck him off. Now that he was not being pressured into it, He could see sucking his Sentinel cock as an enjoyable thing.

But not yet. He had to make sure that Jim did not zone on any one thing, and that he could make this as good for him as posable, for both of them. He had brought up the remote for the C.D. player and he clicked it on. The changers was filled with C.D.s that were Jim's favorites. From the Doors to Eric Clapton, to Steal Eye Span, and Deep Purple, all set so low that he could only just hear it.

Blair stroked Jim's chest with his fingertips, exploring with a feather light touch each ripple, the pucker of the nipples, the curve ad swell of ribs, the flat hard rippling flat belly, casually stroking whisper soft over the rampant cock, that was the telling point. Jim was hard. Not leaking, pulsing, I am about to cream hard, but hard and interested nonetheless. Now to see how he could go about making his friend and lover one and the same, and make and keep the trust of both.

"Like this Jim?" Blair asked hesitant, trying for seductive and feeling and sounding sort of scared and needy.

"It's okay."

Okay... Well, he could work with okay. At least he had not been told to let go, or stop, or do something different.

It was time to go to phase two.

Blair held the hard near ridged body before him. Jim's arms were up over his head resting on the cupped hands. With the sleep mask on, he almost looked like some sort of sacrificial offering, a virgin splayed out to an unknown fate. Blair held his reluctant lover. This had not been his idea in the first place. Not the way that things had started out, sex out of a raw need, and guilt and desperation that had to more to do with control than love or sharing. Jim had been in that strange place, that head strong I-have-been-betrayed place after things came out about Sid and the thesis and the whole exposed Sentinel crap.

Blair had not been aware of offering what Jim took as his, sexual submission. Maybe if the Department had not been shot up, if Meg and Simon had been around, if he had not been pushed into the role of Jim's caretaker, things could have started on a more even footing. He was just SO not into being a victim. His guilt had allowed that to happen. Jim's need for control, need to mark his territory.

Blair was his partner, damn it! And it was about time that he started to act like it. His leg was as good as it was going to get. He had no excuses to hold back. Blair was willing to be a lover, a partner. But not a prison bitch, a mouth that was to be fucked, a orifice that was to service. Part of that was his fault. He had let it go on far too long.

Remembering...

<><><><><><>

Jim was sitting on the couch his leg propped up on a pillow. In pain. The drugs that he had been given had not helped. The dials were not working. And the more that Blair tried to help, the more frustrated that Jim had gotten.

"I think that I am allergic to the plaster, to the tape. It itches. It hurts."

Jim was whining like a little kid.

"Don't scratch it. Let me put something on it that might help."

Blair was massaging the cream into his upper thigh when he noticed that Jim was sporting some major wood. It had been over a week since that first time, when Jim had unzipped his pants and accepted a blowjob from Blair that he had not been aware of offering. Almost with a clinical detachment, Blair had run one finger over Jim's hard on.

The next thing that he knew, Jim had opened his boxers and Blair had found himself pushed none too gently down on Jim's cock. It was not rape. He had touched Jim first. Had been kneeling beside the couch, His hair trailing over his thighs, over his cock, touching him, breathing on him.

Loving him. Caring about him. Hell, a part of Blair was grateful that there was something that he could do at last to make him feel better. And it was not as bad as the last time. It took just a few minutes, Jim's hands on the back of his head, guiding his actions, not quite hurting him, not quite choking him, raw and primal, and animal and over so fast. Jim was asleep before he ever pulled his head away from the softening cock, his hands sliding away, tangled briefly in his hair, the closest thing to a caress that he had gotten out of the deal.

But Jim was asleep, a peaceful smile on his face, and wasn't that all that mattered? His trusty Guide had gotten a wash cloth, cleaned him up, tucked him in and covered him up. And neither of them had talked about it. And Jim stopped touching him, except when he wanted something. Blair's head between his legs, Licking at his crotch, sucking his cock, thrusting his nine inch dick deep into his throat.

It was so long between times, that he had almost thought that it was about to stop.

It was such a relief, being touched, that he almost was relieve when it came time, and Jim silently unzipped his pants and wordlessly pushed or pulled Blair down to service him. No word spoken, no gasp of joy or thanks. Just release, and falling asleep.

<><><><><><>

Sorry. That just was not going to cut it anymore. Even the gratification that Jim had given to him, the last night's hand jobs, and the break through in communications, the shift in relationship that had allowed him to be in Jim's bed, holding his body, it was not enough.

It was almost that Jim was letting him use him, in exchange for using Blair. Sorry. That just was not going to happen in the Sandburg zone. Sex is about sharing, not using, about giving, not taking, about making not breaking. Sex at its worst was a challenge, the interplay of two personality's, working off of each others energies. At best it was caring sharing, loving needing and happy, fun, engaged with a willing heart, a randy mind, and hot willing bodies.

So far sex with Jim had not been fun. Truth to be told a lot of things with Jim had not been fun in the beginning. He had to teach Jim in a lot of ways to unbend, to relax, to be at ease with himself. This was just one more thing that he needed to Guide him in. For a moment, he felt a twinge of regret at the years lost. But each moment in the last 4 years had brought them to this place. To now. From Blair saving his life from the garbage truck, to Jim Calling him back from death at the fountain, this was it.

All of these thoughts ran in Blair's head as he held the ridged body of his lover. His hard and needing erection pressed into his hip, his leg laying over Jim's silk sheath cock. He was just holding him, hoping that the tension would ease a bit out of his body. That he could relax, and he could make this good, beautiful for both of them.

Blair kissed a random spot of flesh on Jim's chest. "I love you, Big Guy. It's all going to be okay."

<><><><><><>

Jim's point-of-view...

If I can't see it, it is not real. If I can tune it out, it is not happening. If I make myself not enjoy, cause I sure enough can't stop from responding, it is not my fault. Just part of the "Sandburg zone". Just one more thing that is unexplainable, and to be ignored or endured. I can't just keep on letting things happen this way. I can't let it keep happening. I know that it is not my fault. Blair is just too hard to ignore. He has spent the last four years making sure that I cannot. If anyone were to ask me if I had ever thought about me and him, I would could truthfully say no. I do not think about it. It just happens. I don't know why, just that he is not objecting, and seemed eager, willing.

Oh, dear God. I had hoped that it would stop. I had pulled back from touching him, from being around him, trying to spare us from that temptation, till it just gets too much. I have finally given up, given in. This is me. My life has been a lie. I am as bad as any of the fags that I busted in Vice, as sick as any one that needs... wants it up the ass. But as long as it was just an act, over like a sneeze or any body function, I could put it aside. Five minutes once a week, the rest of the time I could be a man. I could live with that.

Wrong. As usual, Blair has ideas. I know I have not been fair to him. If I could, I would do anything to stop this. Anything, but talk.

I sigh, and head up the steps, hoping that he will not join me, knowing that as usual, he would follow me into hell itself.

Hell. I am in Hell.

<><><><><><>

The two men lay, a study in two contrasting elements. One is fire and water, flowing moving, changing, the other, stone and cold, ridged and resilient and resistant to change.

"Dial it up, I know you have it down. Bring up your sense of touch, I will be careful." Blair whispered this, hoping that Jim would understand, and forgive this much. Strictly speaking it was not conversation. It was instruction. Not discussion. "Relax, just drift. Let it go, feel the heat of my hands, the stroke of my..."

Without warning Jim's hand came up behind Blair's head, and pulled him up and over to his lips, kissing him. The kiss still was without real passion, but friendly, and lingering, growing both softer, wetter and more aggressive.

His partner at first shocked then pleased at the change of attitude, joined whole heartily, and soon the two were kissing and necking like teens, But Blair held to his word. He was gentle. He had told Jim to dial it up, being aware that he could do a harm to his love, soft kisses were trailed down the neck, ears were explored with the most careful of tongues, following the interplay of folds and dips, amused at finding short soft hairs there, that perhaps was the most drastic difference that he had found so far between making love to a woman than a man. Ear hair. He would have giggled, but the proximity to Jim's ear, well, It could be painful, And for sure it would spoil the mood.

He lipped the outer shell of the ear, exploring the small hot spot just behind it, and below on the neck, kissing over the jaw, chin, revisiting the hot open mouth, reclaiming the heat and wet, the willing tongue, down the jaw to the other still unexplored ear.

He was melting. It was as though someone had removed the inner structure of bone, cartilage and muscles. He was just a Jim shaped vessel of need and yielding. Slowly unzipped, striped of all the layers, undone, the last walls crumbling, defenseless, vulnerable to the hands and mouth and breath and words of his partner.

For a moment he was tempted to take off the sleep mask, but the light was too much, the sight was too much. For the moment he needed the last hold out, the last buffer of sensation, for just a small bit to keep this from being too real.

A moist mouth and soft lips descended on one overly sensitive nipple. He sneezed. And sneezed again and coughed. The mouth stopped, and went to the other nipple. Same thing happened. Coughing. Uncontrollable coughing. Each time a hand stroked, or a tongue lapped, the Sentinel was seized by a fit of coughing or sneezing. But only when the nipples were touched or fondled.

At last the tender exploration stopped. Blair rested his head on his Sentinel's chest, frustrated. Jim was trying. His subconscious was not.

The false sense of well being leaked away like a plug pulled on a nice hot bubble bath, when you are still in the tub. Time for another change of plans.

Blair was frustrated, wishing that things were different. His first attempt at seduction had backfired. He had wanted so much to show Jim a softer side of lovemaking. Damn. This was hard without talking, without being able to share his views and insights. From what Caroline had said, Jim was not a talker in bed, more of a doer.

The temptation to just go ahead and give Jim the blowjob that had worked so well, and just get it over with occurred to him, and was gone in a second. He had had difficult lovers before, had made near frigid woman multi-orgasm. It had taken some time, and caring, and normally Blair was more than up for a challenge. He was still hard, and so was Jim, so it could not have been that much of a turn off. Just needed a different approach. He kissed his Sentinel. That much he knew Jim liked. Mouth on mouth, licking the corners of his lips, brushing his over the yielding ones under him. Jim's arms came around him, and he was held, then pined. Need. Touch. Now.

Jim's hands were all over him. His body was all over him. His carefully thought out plan to teach his Sentinel about softer side of loving, of sharing, of passion and afterglow were wiped away, as with a growl, Jim mounted his Guide, his hard cock rubbing on his belly, lips and teeth ravishing the oh so sensitive spot that he had been worrying on Jim's neck.

Thought went out the window.

Jim was a being possessed. Blair moved, trying to align himself better, and the teeth at his throat clamped a touch, just to let him know that movement was not permitted, that he was in charge, that any actions at this point were up solely to him.

It was a scary feeling and a monster turn on. At this point, Blair was quite glad that he had prepared and lubed himself up, just in case.

The same trail of kisses that had been bestowed on Jim were returned with interest on Blair. Jim must have had his hearing turned down. Otherwise the ungoverned half scream moan would have deafened him. A brief attack on ears and neck, an assault on the furred chest, seeking out surely by heat the hard points of need, nipples that were hard and engorged, lapped sucked and tweaked, a trail of tears down the tight belly, equally furred, a round robin exploration of creases and folds, tucks, foreplay on fast forward, near painful in it urgency, but gentle in its dispatch.

Blair watched as a near hesitant tongue lapped at the now leaking head of his cock, the first time ever that Jim had offered such an act, given this lover's gift. The sight of the effectively blindfolded man going down on him, was erotic, and moving, but oddly disturbing. It was all that he could do not to babble to Jim about how good it was, how much he loved him, to curb his vocal feedback that was a good deal of his love making style. A moan escaped his lips. Jim froze for a second, pulled from whatever space he had been in, then resumed, descending on the hard cock, shaping his mouth awkwardly attempting to pull it all in his mouth in one swift and even swoop.

And almost choked himself. It was near as painful, ramming the cock into the back of Jim's tonsils as it was for Blair. Jim choked, and Blair gasped. Both stilled, for a long moment, assessing the damage that each had sustained. Blair stroked his lover's hair, letting him know that he was okay, questing to see if Jim was okay. Nonverbal small nod, that by the way, felt very nice, as the tight warm mouth bobbed over his cock. A moan was forced out of his mouth. It was good at this moment that speech was forbidden. This was taking his breath away. Blair watch the head of his lover descend once more on his manhood, heartbreaking slow, sweet and hot.

Balanced on the razor's edge of pleasure, torn between complication and continuing as long as his lover would give him till, he watched as the masked man did things to him, good things. Hell. Oh my. Oh my goodness. Oh my... Oh MY... OH MY GOODNESS...

It was almost painful, coming in slow motion, too out of it to even warn his lover that he was about to explode, as a gasp of suppressed surrender issued out of Blair's mouth, and he arched up, fighting the urge to pump into the hot mouth that engulfed him, to pound into the heat, to fuck the warmth, to reach for and reunion himself with the back of Jim's throat, to cup the back of his head, and grasp, holding him still, to drill into him. Fill him. Take him like his Sentinel had taken him, hard and raw, lust and power. But such was not in him.

He took what was offered to him, and it was damn good. Better than he would have expected just a week ago. This was defined a step in the right direction. Not perfect yet... but closer than...

Jim listened in satisfaction, as his Guide slumped back, undone, unzipped, unboned and unconscious. Payback. Paybacks could be such a bitch. He pulled the lax body of his Guide into his arms and tucked his erection into the warmth between the two of them. He stroked his hair, as Blair began to softly snore. He was so easy to love now. No demands, no needs, no shame. Pulled the quilt over the two of them, just holding his sleeping friend. A soft kiss on his sleeping Guide's forehead, and he settled down for what ever peace time could afford him.

You ask me why I love you...

Why do ships with sails love the wind?

And the random play of music danced softy in the background of the night.

<><><><><><>

A memory of warmth. The still damp imprint of hands on his back, the soft ache of sex, too fast, more a priming of a pump than true for fill met. A warm slightly moist spot on the bed met his fingers, as he reach out for his lover. He had no idea how long he had been passed out. Damn. That was becoming a habit. He had never been this rude, or out of control before! He could understand now Jim passing out after... well, he did him.

However, Blair Sandburg had never left a partner high and or dry in his life. And this was Jim. He sighed gently and looked at the clock. It was a little after 1:20 a.m. Where was Jim?

The sounds of the C.D. were still there. Ghost like. He strained to hear them, trying to pick up were his Sentinel was. He had learned a few tricks from him. One was about sound. A body in a room absorbed sound. More if clothed. Jim was in the living room, the smell of a wood fire greeting him. Perhaps that is what woke him up. He needed to go to him. To talk, to share. To try and figure out what was up. To try and share with him, bring some of the joy that sex could be. What had happened had been well, incredible. Not the best that he had ever had, it had been too fast and overwhelming for him to truly savor, but he could appreciate the fact that Jim had given to him. Had made love to him. Sure it has some things to work out, but well, skill was not one of them. It was almost that he knew his body too well, and perhaps he was just doing to Blair as he wanted to have done him. Hopefully, He made his way down to his Sentinel.

Jim was laying on the rug, looking into the fire. He still had his boxers on, a black shadow on the still pale form. His head was propped up, and he stared into the fire. Head on fist, curled onto his side, it was an incredibly sexy pose, The silk pulled tight across his ass, showing each curve and fold. Mesmerized, Blair stopped just to watch his love. He had always been aware of his strength, his size, his raw power.

The Jaguar from the fountain vision. For a moment it was superimposed over Jim's as the fire light danced over his body. For a moment he was humbled. This was a myth made man. A being out of legend. His Grail. Now, his love. Worth fighting for. Worth working for. And he loved him. The one that he had been looking for his whole life.

"What the hell are you staring at Sandburg?" Jim voice was just a touch grumpy. "Don't tell me that zoning is contagious."

Blair snapped out of it quickly. "Just looking at the view. Nice fire." Nice ass.

And his Guide laid down beside his Sentinel, both looking into the fire, hips and shoulders just touching like they had so many times over the years.

The two men laid on the rug, Blair curled into Jim, behind him, his head on his shoulder, chilled in his nakedness, but not willing to change the dynamics of the situation by dressing or moving to get the couch throw. The intimacy of the moment precluded talking, just the wordless communication of touch. Blair's hand found Jim's, and he nestled his fingers into that laxed embrace, wrapping his fingers around his large thumb, just resting gently in his lap. He squeezed gently but got no answering squeeze, but was not rebuffed ether. For a time he just watched the flickering dance of the fire, and the light play on his lovers face, calm, surreal, but closed. Covertly he watched, admiring the grace of his cheeks, the artful balance of his brow, high wide forehead, deep set eyes, a near Neanderthal brow ridge. That had been the last thing to tip him over the edge in considering if Jim had been a throw back. The brows. He had admired them, as a visage of power, a sign of many things, but hand not considered them beautiful. Had not looked at his Sentinel threw the eyes of a lover. He had seen him as his Sentinel. His friend. His Blessed protector. But not a lover, till it had become a need that could not be overlooked, or denied. What a rocky road it had been. Was going to be.

He did not realize it, should have thought about it. It was subtle, but there. In the boxers, under his hand holding Jim's, the faint stirring of his lovers' arousal. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, it hardened, elusively just out of his reach. He looked at Jim, trying to gage what his wishes were. Afraid to ask, to speak, to break the precious moment, to destroy what was the sweetest moment of his life shared with Jim. With micro movements, he edged just enough to assure himself that this was indeed a hard cock that his wrist and fingertips rested on. For a moment he thought about his hand wrapped around that, instead of the thumb of the hand he was holding, But this moment was not about sex. He watched the unchanging face of his friend.

"I'm cold. If I head back to bed would you want to join me?" Blair asked in as off hand of a way. "It would be more comfortable."

"No." The look on his face did not change. Still relaxed, content. More at ease than he had seen him since before the whole Thesis disaster.

"Okay. I would rather be warm with you than comfortable."

Blair moved away and snagged the throw off of the couch, and wrapped it around both of them. Jim's hand had moved from his lap to his chest, over his heart. Blair moved his hand back under Jim's hand, loose in its embrace, feeling the pulse, the beat of the heart under his hand, held in the loose embrace of Jim's hand, Little changes could be seen in his face, the dim flickering of the dying fire softly illuminating it. For a heart breaking moment he longed to know it. To know him as he had not before. He slid his hand gently away from the hand that was holding his, and trailed questing fingertips up his chest, neck, exploring the throat, experiencing the sharp Adam's apple, so different from a woman's, another difference, but not unpleasant, just different. Just Jim.

Fingers stroking, trying to experience the touch like a Sentinel would, finding the soft scratchy places that his hasty shave this morning had missed, the difference in the length and softness of stubble, the difference in texture of skin from under the chin to the cheeks. The soft swell of heat that was his lower lip, the sweet grace that was his upper. For a moment he played with the idea of more exploring, but this was not the time. Over to the too tight skin of his jaw, firm even in this relaxed state. His chin was so... well male. Like a bridge, a nature made structure meant to hold a great weight. Flowing the jaw line up to the ears. Nice ears. Big ears.

Feather touches, exploring the folds, finding an unexpected cartilage knot. Jim had had a pierced ear? Hum. Information to hold onto. Blair smiled to himself. Jim had not told him that he had an earring. Blackmail. Not that he could ever blackmail him. This was probably from his Vice days. Perhaps he would ask him about it. But not now.

Jim had not objected to this tender exploration, but had not given much in the way of encouragement. Better to not push his luck. He continued up and over the broad forehead, petted the eyebrow with his little finger, like a miniature cat. His urge to stroke and play with Jim's hair was thwarted by Jim shifting a bit. Unsure if His Sentinel was uncomfortable with the exploration, he returned his hand to Jim's hand, and with his hand pressed to his Sentinel's heart, slowly fell into an easy sleep.

In front of the fire, The Sentinel was held in the arms of his Guide, safe in the warmth love and security of one that understood him. He should be happy. He was. It troubled him. Happiness had always had such a high price.

<><><><><><>

Jim had never quite fallen asleep. The uneasy joy of the moment might be too fleeting to miss it by sleeping. The warmth of the body sagged against his back, wrapping his arms around his chest might not happen again. Perfect moments had to be treasured. When the alarm upstairs had at last sounded, he had carefully lifted away the arm, and slid out of the comfort of the embrace, reluctantly leaving his cuddling Guide, sliding a pillow under his head, to make do instead of his shoulder.

Routine. Coffee. Shower. Clothing. He was up and safely showered and dressed before Blair was even stirring. Keep temptation at bay. This was morning. The sun was up. Dreams of love and comfort could now be dispelled. The harsh reality's of job and life were calling, welcoming with the mindless need to answer the demand.

"Morning, Junior."

Jim lifted his cup of black coffee to his lips. Blair looked blearily up, too disoriented at being on the living room floor to orientate on any thing but the fact that Jim was not next to him.

"Morning." Blair's head sunk back down to the pillow for a moment, as he gathered him self to face the challenge of getting up, facing the day, or what he should or could say.

"Coming into the station today?" Normal sounding, query that he had heard over the last four years hundreds of times. At least.

"What day is this? Tuesday? Sure. I don't have classes till this evening."

"Grab a shower. You want pancakes?"

Still carefully neutral. Pancakes were something that was done during camping trips, or long slow Sundays once in a blue moon. Most of the time Blair had his shake, and Jim bacon and eggs or some other protein, or waited till work and grabbed some donuts or Danish or junk from the vending machine, the Iron Mother that gave substance but no warmth or comfort. And sometimes not even the candy that you paid for.

"Pancakes? Um... " Blair looked at the clock. He had to take a shower, there would be time. Even to clean up. "Sure, that would be great. Unless it's too much trouble."

"I want to." Jim put down his coffee cup, and approached his now standing Guide. For a moment Blair was sure that Jim was going to kiss him, hold him, take him in his arms and... Jim's hand came down on Blair's ass in a firm swat. "Go. Shower. I will have food when you come out, but we can't waste time."

A smile of affection and amusement filled Jim's wide face, as Blair scatted towards the bathroom, looking over his shoulder at Jim in amaze met at his Sentinel.

"Oh man." Blair looked in the mirror at his face as he shaved. "You are so screwed. Like how do you get yourself into things like this?"

He showered quickly and carefully, not having to worry about the hot water as Jim had had his first, but still aware of the time. Toweling off, heading into his room, he saw Jim pulling out the pancakes from the oven that he had put there to keep warm as he made them, putting out the real maple syrup, honey, butter and even some strawberry jam. Damn he had a good memory. All were things that he had used on pancakes from time to time.

Blair dressed quickly and was out just as Jim was sitting down at the table. A cup of his usual morning thunder tea was seeping. He was touch by the though, even if this a.m. he truly could have used the caffeine kick of coffee.

"Alright. Thanks man. Smells wonderful!"

He put a small dollop of honey in his tea, poured a bit of the warm maple syrup on his pancakes, and tucked into the high sugar too much carbohydrate breakfast that he was eating mostly to please his Sentinel. Oh well. he would do the algae shake for lunch. This was too sweet of Jim to do to turn it down, or as every college student's Golden Rule was "Never Turn Down Free Food."

Blair had just finished the last bite of his food with the plates were snagged and rinsed and slapped into the dishwasher. The last of his tea just cool enough to chug, as Jim garbed his keys from the basket, and tossed Blair's coat at him.

"Lets go, Chief."

Blair scrambled to grab his back pack, hoping that he had all of the things that he needed in it. No time to check, as he rushed as always to keep up with his Sentinel. As he climbed into the truck, he realized that they were not even close to being late. He looked at Jim, in confusing and concern. What was up with him today? The Breakfast? The rushing out of the loft? He shook his head slightly, staring ahead, pondering.

Damn weird courtship rituals. If that is what this was...

"Thanks for breakfast," he studied his partner, concerned. "What's the big rush this morning? Something big brewing that I don't know about?"

Jim sucked for ossification. Oh he could lie with the best of them. But not to him. He hoped.

"Not really. I just wanted to get a good head start on the day. Get the paperwork caught up, tie up the lose ends on the missing person, might be a drug tie in or possible kidnapping. Scribe's parents seemed to think that some sort of strangeness involving the Internet had something to do with it." He looked at Blair, hoping for understanding, or something. "Maybe, they could let you look over her P.C., see if we can find any leads, e-mail to track her down."

Blair looked unconvinced, but nodded. No matter how you cut it, they were going to be over a hour early at work. Oh well. Would make up for some of the early evening that he was going to start talking Jim into taking soon. He smiled evilly to himself.

"That's cool Jim. Oh, and about last night?" His Sentinel looked at him concerned. Lucky they were at a red light.

He had his partners full attention. "You are going to be SO next." He smiled cheerfully horny, happy and playful.

The light turned green, and Jim failed to notice till the car behind him honked. Still open mouth, slightly shocked looking, he drove on to the Cascade police department, and found his parking spot. Perhaps the same force that the "Swallows of Capistrano" used Guided him at that moment. That was the only explanation that Blair had for how someone could be so close to a zone, and still functioning.

Blair smiled at his Sentinel. It was going to be a good day.

<><><><><><>

It was good that they had come in early. It gave them a bit of time to settle down, do some paperwork. Ground. Jim truly needed to ground. Usually he had Blair for that. But each time that he looked at the kid, he had a smirk on his face that was far from grounding. Urges that he could not define or control tore at him. It was hard not to keep from touching him, from stroking his hair, or putting a hand on his back. Even in the meeting, Blair sort of sprawled out in the chair, he found himself pressing his knee gently to his Guide's. No one could see. No one could tell. Unless you were a Sentinel, and could hear the heartbeat increase of his Guide when he first shifted and touched his kaki clad leg to Blair's denim covered one.

It was just touch.

It was just life it's self.

<><><><><><>

Oh man. He was about to lose it. Jim had been even closer to day than normal. He had gone from trying to keep his distance to being in an arm reach of him all day. Sitting at the meeting, that thank goodness he did not have to take notes for, he thought that at last he would have a reprieve. But the firm heat of his Sentinel's kneecap pressed into his thigh was a constant reminder of each touch, each whisper of a caress that the two had exchanged last night, even given the one-sided nature of it.

The idea of an alga shake for lunch went out the window, as the two of them debated Chinese or Wonderburger for lunch. Wonderburger won out, due mostly to time, and the offer of his choice for dinner. Blair knew what he wanted. Sentinel la tartar, cream on the side. He smiled at himself, as he accede, snickering at Jim's sharp look, a moment of worry crossing his face.

"Please, Just don't let it be tofu, anything but tofu." He looked for mercy at his Guide, aware that he had just given him cart a blanc.

"Don't worry, Jim. What I have planned for dinner has absolutely nothing to do with tofu."

Damn. He had a class to teach tonight. Perhaps dinner could be early? And desert late? He smiled to himself giving Jim even more to worry about.

<><><><><><>

"I'm so sorry to trouble you at this time, Mame. I understand your concern. But your daughter is of age that perhaps she just headed out to visit some friends and not tell you about it?"

Blair listened with half of his attention. It was the first time that Jim had been out of arms reach, let alone sight all day. It was a chance to relax for a moment, before looking at the e-mail trail that could lead to were the MIA had gone.

A hour later. Hell. How could anyone have that much e-mail? Or be on that many lists? The box was full, and most of the entries were with in the last two weeks. Nothing about going on a trip, or visiting anyone, just some strange lists, and... no... he was not going to read anyone's private correspondence that had nothing to do with the case. At least not yet. He sighed, and pushed away from the keyboard, rubbing his eyes. Nothing looked like a lead. The room its self spoke of a person that had an ecliptic assortment of hobbies. Sci-fi books lined the walls. Perhaps she went to a convention. That was something to check out. Something to toss at Jim. Damn he wished he could think straight. He giggled to himself softy, at the pun. He heard Jim clear his throat in the next room. It was time to go, and Jim had heard him giggle. He would want to know what he was snicker about. Oh Dear.

He had no illusions about Jim's change of heart. A wrong word could undo it all. The fragile nature of this new aspect of Sentinel/Guide bonding had so many bugs to work out. He would have to be gentle, careful. Let Jim set the pace as much as possible. Guide him, and help him accept what he truly wanted. Not that Blair was running away or objecting at this point. But it was Jim's idea, need, or whatever in the first place.

The irony of needing to be slow and gentle with someone that had pushed you into all but non-consensual sex in the first place was not lost on Blair.

<><><><><><>

Jim was quiet in the truck. Blair was having a hard time sitting still. Tossing out different scenarios of what had happened to the missing woman, that ranged from the real and gory to the odd and fanciful.

"Maybe she got sucked into the P.C., seems that she must have spent a lot of time there. You should see the number of list, and the amount of e-mail that she has!"

"Playing the voyeur?" Jim smiled indulgently at his little buddy.

"No way, man! I just looked at her bookmarks and scanned her titles for things like travel, hotels, you know." He took a deep breath. "We might check out some bookstores and Sci-Fi cons. She has a collection of things that might hint that she was likely to attend one."

"So do you think that she could have been kidnapped by little green men, or beamed up some place?" The teasing, so much like the old days.

Blair made a noise like the sound of a Star Trek sound effect. The drive back to station was filled with ribbing and speculation of the missing woman's whereabouts. It was stress relief, and helped take away the darker thought that something truly evil had happened to the missing one.

<><><><><><>

It took longer than normal to fill out the paper work. Getting home later than usual, and with Blair having a late class, It was good that there was left over meatloaf and mashed potatoes, some mixed vegetables added to round out the meal. Not the gourmet treat that he wished to make for Jim, but hell, he would make it up later. A pint of hand packed Baskin Robins each. And Blair was planning on spending more time teaching his Sentinel a thing or two about... being sensitive.

He and Jim made dinner, setting the table, Blair debated using a candle, not sure how the smoke or sent would affect Jim. Better to skip it, than to ask.

Dinner was quick, comparable, normal. Dishes washed in record time. On impulse Blair turned and trapped Jim against the fridge and tried to pull him down into a kiss. He was stiff, ridged resistance, Turning his head, so that Blair's kiss ended on his jaw. The urge to blow off his class, was completely squelched.

"Damn Jim, you do not have a romantic drop in your body." Blair sighed in good nature frustration, releasing him, stepping back, stroking his arm in parting.

He had surprised him. Jim hated surprises. He was lucky that he was not tossed across the room.

"Take it easy, Tarzan." He smiled an uncomfortable smile. "We have all night."

"Ya, we do. As soon as I get back from teaching this class." Regret tinged his voice. "But I will get icecream on the way home. What do you want?"

"You.... can't get someone to cover?" The look on his face was near unreadable. Disappointment would be too strong of a word.

"Not this late. Sorry, Jimbo. I'll make it up to you."

"That won't be necessary." He turned and wiped down a squeaky clean counter. "Have fun at school."

Dismissive. Sending a child out to play. It was all that Blair could do to scoop up his bag, get coat and keys, and leave without saying something biting and harsh. Somehow they would get through this. Or he would have to explain to Simon why and how he had had strangled his best cop.

<><><><><><>

Class was over too quick. As part of his working his way back in to the good graces of the powers that be, he was helping teach the rookies some of his skills in surviving hostage situations, both as a rescuer, and as a hostage. The mind set of the criminal, or person that would do harm to an another. He had no degree, no training, but that of someone that had been taken hostage more times than he cared to remember. Looking back now, he could see some things that he could have done differently, but not many. The mere fact that he had survived them, was enough that he was asked to teach this class.

"So one of the most important things is to keep your head. And have a partner that will back you up 100%! Thank you!"

A smattering of applause from the twenty some odd rookies in blue warmed his heart. He just had to stay and talk after. Long after.

Baskin and Robins was just closing, but he was able to bluster his way in and get a prepacked quart of Rum Raisin. Not his choice, but one that Jim liked. Sigh. Jim was sure to bitch about the taste of freeon, this was the same place that had that taste in this cooler last time. Oh well.

The loft was dark. Shit. OK. Jim did not need much light. The wood stove was not lit, and it was all too silent.

"Jim?"

Blair set his keys gently in the basket. Damn. Hope that he had not gone to sleep. Oh. Bed. Perhaps he was waiting for him in bed. A smile eased across his face, as he hung up his uniform, and striped completely. Just to make sure that Jim had not fallen asleep downstairs, he used his pen light to do a quick sweep. Empty of life. Brushing teeth, running the water. He thought that he heard something. Ducking his head down to spit, coming up, he was startled to see Jim in the mirror behind him.

"Jiiimm!" High pitch started squeak. Jim flinched a touch at the sound. "Man, I am like so sorry. You just startled me. A stealth bomber has nothing on you!"

Jim did have a sense of humor. Blair knew this. It was not in evidence now.

"Your late. Were have you been?" Flat. Accusing. The look in the Sentinel's eyes were cold and hard.

This cold Jim scared him. Tight. Each muscle was tight on his face, what he could see in his shoulders, clenched hands, arms folded over his too tight chest. The throbbing in his temples, he had to have a headache.

"Hi, Jim. Nice to see you too. We had a wrap up after the class." Blair took a deep breath. "Most of the cops wanted to know more about how I survived being kidnapped by Lash and how I got grabbed by KINCAID."

A flinch shuddered over Jim's jaw, just visible to someone that knew what to look for.

"And what jewels of wisdom did you dispense to them?" Jim's voice wavered just a hair's breath, but Blair could tell that he was having some fear based reaction.

"I told them the truth, as much as I could about what I did. And I told them that the most important thing that you can have in a situation like that was having a partner that you could trust. That could back you up 100%."

It was with an almost tangible sound of crackling, that he could see some of the tension leaving his Sentinel's body. Shifting slightly, uncomfortable, his eyes never leaving Blair's. Moments passed.

Panther quick, and Sentinel fast Blair found himself pined up against the bathroom door, Jim's hands on him. His nose and face lost in the nape of his neck, as he held his Guide in a needing owning way.

"But still you were late. And you promised me.... " He just could not say it. Put words to the vague hints and subtle hints of what was (or who) to come this night. "Something tonight."

Blair put his arms around his lover. Twisted joy, perverse need. Jim had almost admitted that he wanted him. "It is not too late. I was going to come up, if you would like that. If you want me."

"Right. I let you come up one time, and now you can come and go anytime you want to." Anger all out of proportion filled his face. "It's about time I showed you were your place was."

Jim dragged the stunned Guide back to his room. The French doors slammed shut wtih a sound of doom, as Jim pulled Blair unresisting down on the bed, on his lap. Not sure where this was going, hoping that this was just some sort of rough and tumble play, Blair put his arms around his neck, and kissed him. He meant to be gentle, to tease, and give and share and love. To bring sweetness into what had started out bitter. The mouth that clamed him was hard and demanding, the hand behind his head holding still and fast as Jim ravished the full lips, heat and need demanding surrender. No quarter asked or given, he sucked the lower lip into his mouth and bit, sucking the so soft sensitive flesh rasping with his front teeth the soft flesh, releasing his Guide only when he collapsed weak, shaking with need and lack of oxygen.

Blair was rock hard, naked and as turned on as he had ever been in his life. He could feel Jim's erection pushing up through his thin boxers, working on his naked flesh. He moaned, and pulled his lover's hand down to his leaking cock, begging shamelessly for some sort of release, comfort, connection. All thought of the sensual delights of soft touches and exploration went out the window.

"What do you want me to do?" Controlled. Damn him. He was way too much in control. He needed to unbend just a bit, to enjoy this.

"Do you like my ass Jim? Want to do something with my ass?"

Cold stillness. "Do you know what you are asking? You expect me to... You want me to... "

Blair kissed him in response. "I want you to do whatever you like."

With a suddenness that took Blair by surprise, he found himself face down draped over Jim's lap. He tried to look over his shoulder, to see what his Sentinel was up to.

"Be careful what you ask for, Chief. You just might get it." A raised hand came down and swatted him on his ass. Blair jerked at the unexpected stinging and pain. "You have been bad Blair. I'm going to make you good." He raised his large hand, and it descended for an another swat.

A tear rolled down the Guide's face, even as he arched up to accept the punishment. This was SO not what he had wanted, but he accepted it. Any touch was better than no touch. And perhaps there would be comfort some were at the end of it.

Jim's hand came down two more times in stinging swats. Blair was just at the point of crying out, protesting, begging for forgiveness, anything that Jim wanted, just to have him stop.

But Jim was a Sentinel. He had to know Blair's limits. He stopped, breathing heavy, hand now gently resting on the red cheek beneath his hand, stroking back his Guide's hair, kissing the back of his neck. The unexpected gentleness of the gesture is what finally undid Blair. The sob that he had held back escaped the whimper that lurked in his throat given voice. He crumbled as Jim gathered him into his arms once more, folding him unhesitant into a calming embrace, cradling him, rocking his Guide gently, soft kisses over his face, humming low and melodically.

"You needed that." Jim's calm statement was like a dash of water on a sleeper. "I didn't want to do that, but that's the way that men love. I'm trying to give you what you need." Jim kissed him, claiming, but gentler. "I know you act this way to get me to do this." Jim stroked his stunned partner. " I should have done this years ago, when you didn't stay in the truck, when you endangered your life, when you did stupid things. But that is going to change now. I'm going to make you good. I'm going to keep you safe."

The calm way the words were said, the arms so comforting and sweet around him, was like a surrealistic nightmare. It had to be some sort of dream. This could not be Jim. Jim would never hurt him. He was his Guide. A voice whispered in his ear, the one that had been nagging him for so long. But he has hurt you. He has. He kicked you out. He got you killed. He used you. He discarded you.

No. Blair pushed the voice to the back of his head and slammed a door on the thoughts. The reality of Jim's arms around him, the buzz of comforting words the heat of the embrace. This had to be just some fear based reaction. Jim had not processed the events at the station, the sacrifice that he had made, the fact that Jim, straight man extreme, macho in a way that few could comprehend, this just had to be his way of trying to deal.

Blair turned his head into the chest, pressed hard against him. Jim was real. The arms were real. Jim's love for him was real. The voice was not. The only times that Jim had ever comforted him, held him, loved him, was when he had been in pain. Lash. The Golden. Maya. Even when he had hugged him, in front of the Bullpen, that had been comfort. He had thought that this was a last look around. Oh God.

History was repeating itself. What if Jim could only love him, touch him if he was hurting? If the instinct to comfort to hold was only evoked when he was weak, or in pain? A counter point to balance grief? A Sentinel/Guide thing to bring on bonding. Damn. He could see it. A normal person would have left. The fact that crumbs of need were fed dolled out at just the right time, never fully feeding, never being enough, and making the Guide more and more dependent. Oh god. Talk about your codependency. The fact that it had been happening for a long time did not escape him. It was just the catalyses of the dissertation, Jim being shot and all of the changers at once.

But the most telling one... Blair was no longer at his side 24/7. The irony of the fact that he was going to the Academy was that he had less time for Jim. His ride along had been sort of put in a limbo, and it was just of late that he could rejoin him, as his healing leg let him get back out on cases. But that was not all of it. That first time. It was before the Shoot out. Before he had declared himself a fraud.

All of these thought took place in a few seconds, and were also wiped away by Jim's warm mouth on Blair's, By the feel of Jim's hand on his cock, of the hard and needy erection grinding up at him. The sensory overload of hands all over him as he was helpless pressed down to the bed. Covered by his Sentinel, grinding need on need. Jim attacking his helpless partner with his mouth, hands, making siege on his over inflamed body, working his hands on his hips, bringing them up, lifting his legs over his shoulders, parting the cheeks of his ass, stroking, moving between... holding him in preparation.

In a dim distant moment of self-preservation, Blair was aware that he had not been prepared, that no lubrication had been used, that Jim had never done this before, and that in the state that he was in, was not thinking about that. Damn. This was his fault. He had invited this, and now he was going to pay the price. He looked at the hot blue eyes, unfocused, and looking at something other than him.

Oh God.

"Jim! Jim! " This had to be the same as a zone, he did not respond. "Ellison!" Then in his best Guide's voice. "Dial it back man, take it easy. Please Jim. I know it can be good. Let it be good. Don't hurt me."

That got through to him. Jim blinked, eyes fixing on Blair, confusing then anger, as he pulled away. Letting Blair's legs slide away and down, releasing his Guide from the passion driven embrace. He was going to leave. Jim turned, hiding his face from Blair's, hands clenched at his sides, looking like he would be happy to use them on something, anything. He bent to pull up his boxers. Blair was unsure what to do at this point. Despite the situation, he still wanted to complete what was going to happen, just well...

"Jim. Come back here. We're so not done."

Blair was cajoling, putting forth an arm, sitting up, wincing at the pain in his butt. Man. He was going to have to have some talk with Jim about his seduction skills. He was like a switch, either on full blast, a runaway train, or cold, and not available.

"You don't understand Chief." He turned to him, pain and self-loathing printed on his face. "I almost hurt you. You don't know how close I came."

No shit. Blair was quite aware of how close he came. Still wanted to. Still needed to. But under better circumstances. Ones that involved preparation, KY and condoms.

"It's okay, Big Guy. Anyone can get carried away. You pulled back. That's the important thing."

Blair went to his Sentinel and wrapped his arms around him from behind. Jim relaxed arching backwards into that embrace for a moment, melting into the heat of the touch. Then Blair's still erect cock brushed over his ass. Jim froze, then pulled away. He turned, sadness etched in his face. He took Blair's face in his hands, and kissed him on the lips. Regret, longing, and departure. It was sort of a goodbye kiss. It scared Blair as nothing else this evening had.

"I'm so sorry. I wish that this could have worked out."

"What are you saying? You want me to leave? " Blair strove to hold his panic in place.

"No! This is your home. I can't... won't do that to you. Never again."

"Then we can try again." Blair swallowed. "This is not over. We've come too far. I love you. I need you, man."

"I know, but you should know something." Jim took a deep breath. and released it. "Each time I've been with you. I've seen you as you, but as a woman." Jim ran his fingers through the long mass of curls. "Sometimes it's not much of a stretch." A crooked smile crossed his face. "Owe you so much. You have been so much. I want to be what you need. I just am not sure that I am..."

"I know, take that trip with me." Blair sighed, and for a moment the two clung to one another like a life line. Standing holding, not sure how long, till Jim realized that Blair was shivering.

"Go to bed. You're cold." Jim pushed his Guide half heartedly away towards the bed.

"Not alone. No one needs to sleep alone tonight." He tugged Jim towards the bed. Jim was doing his best impression of a brick wall.

"Not a good idea, Chief."

"Please." He gave Jim his best puppy dog eyes.

"I'm going to regret this."

Snuggled together, clutching one another, trying to find healing in the middle of pain.

"Jim? Remember a long time ago, just before I got my ride along observer status? Do you remember what I said?"

A nonverbal quire, "Hum?"

"I said that I would be willing to do anything to make this partnership work out. Even that I would put on a dress like J. E. Hover. "

It was the first laugh that Blair could remember in a long time that came from the heart. He joined his Sentinel and they laughed till they cried.

Release can come in many forms. And love.

<><><><><><>

Talk about your emotional landmines. Blair was rapidly finding that being Jim's lover, or whatever the hell this relationship had mutated into was not a swift or easy path. Sleep did not come easily to either of the men, but the need to hold to touch, to at the same time avoid was over powering. Unresolved sexual tensions and confused emotions were a poor pillow to lay one's head.

The two fell into an uneasy sleep. Exhaustion taking its toll. Perhaps it was the Sentinel-Guide bond, or perhaps it was the fact that when someone in your arms has a nightmare you some how become a part of it.

"No! Dad! You're hurting her!" Jim's voice was high pitched and childlike, a heart breaking waver to a wail that shook his Guide awake.

"What's wrong Jim?" Blair used his Guide voice, soft soothing, trying to find the source of his lover's nightmare.

"He's hurting Mommy!" A sob broke from the semi sleeping man.

"Tell me what's happening. How is he hurting her?"

"She's telling him no and he's making her. Pushing her down. Holding her legs up. She's crying." Shuddering breath. "I can hear them. I can hear him. I go to the door and bang on it with my fist. Dad comes out and tells me to go back to bed. I see my mom's face, the blankets pulled up. Crying. She tells me to go back to bed. That it's okay."

"Just focus, breathe Jim." Blair petted his Sentinel like a cherished pet, calming strokes on his back. "I got you. It's going to be okay. What happened next?"

"Dad takes me back to my room and tells me to stay." Jim made a pushing away movement, at some shadow that he could not see. "I hear them and he'ss telling her that he wants a another son, more children. That it's his right to do this. I hear her say that she doesn't want more children. That she didn't want me. He makes her any way." Pain is deep in his Sentinel's face, as he twists under the firebrand of that memory/nightmare.

"It's okay, Jim. That was then, and this is now. He can't hurt you or your Mom. I'm here. I will not leave you."

Blair held the shaking man, till he slipped back into an uneasy sleep. Man. This was so screwed up. He knew that the old man was a cold bastard, but wow. No wonder Jim's Mom cut and ran. Forced into sex and parenthood. Jim had been the by-product of this unhappy union. No wonder Jim had such issues with love, sex and intimacy. Sometimes he felt lucky that he didn't know his own Dad.

Blair resolved two things. Tomorrow he was going to call Carolyn. She might have some clue about what had gone on in Jim's life, with his Mom missing in action and to kick Jim's Dad in the balls.

Morning was much like usual. Blair woke in his own bed, alone. Only the scent of Jim and the tenderness of his spanked bottom gave any evidence that he had been with Jim last night. Jim was in the shower and coffee was making itself in the kitchen. No pancakes this morning. That was sort of a mixed relief. Jim was out of the shower, no doubt hearing him wake up, and cutting his short.

"Morning." Blair tried to slide past his dripping roommate. Roommate or mate?

Jim grunted a greeting at him. So close to back to normal. Like the last few days had never happened. Blair jumped in the shower, doing his hair quick time, rushing so that he didn't hold Jim back. By the time that he got out, Jim was making eggs and toast. The blender however was out and the can of shake was next to it. In some ways it was more touching than him making pancakes yesterday for him. Blair knew how little Jim liked the smell of the shake, even though he had gotten used to it over the years. Breakfast was as normal as it ever was, and the ride to the station filled with talk of the Jags game.

Just before Blair got out of the truck, Jim grasped Blair's leg and gave it a gentle squeeze. "See you tonight? "

"Yeah, man. Tonight I'm all yours."

"Good. I'll get some tapes. Any requests? "

"Surprise me. "

"I just might, Chief."

<><><><><><>

Blair pulled out his phone card and dialed the number that he never thought that he would call. "Carolyn? Hi. This is Blair Sandburg. How are you doing?"

"Blair? I'm well. This is unexpected. Is Jim, okay?" Worry tinged her voice. An echo of concern about a love that was lost but not forgotten. "Simon told me what happened. Jim getting shot. I saw what happened with your thesis on T.V. I'm so sorry."

"Old history. Jim is healing. I just need some help. Some information, if you wouldn't mind." He had not thought this out this far, counting on his powers of charm to get him past this point. "Jim has been having some... relationship issues and nightmares. Think that the whole media fuck up and the shoot out at the station has something to do with it."

"How long have you been sleeping with Jim, Blair?" Her voice was gentle, concerned, forgiving and understanding. "The Sentinel thing. It is true. Isn't?"

"Carolyn, please. You have got to help me." Blair slid down the wall, still clutching the pay phone hand piece. "I'm like so screwed. I don't know what to do. One minute he's normal Jim, the next he's the control freak from hell, wanting to know where I was and where I will be. As far as sleeping with him... well, I am not sure if that is what you can call it. I don't know what the hell to do. One minute he's all sweet and nice, the next. " He debated and at last decided to let her in on the dreadful parts, "He's acting like some old school teacher, heavy on the corporal punishment. The EVIL STEP FATHER, that wants... hell, he doesn't know what he wants and it's all my fault. Least that's what he's telling me."

Sarcasm and despair found it's way into his voice. He hadn't meant to crack. Hadn't meant to give away how desperate, alone and in pain he was. He was just going to get some information. Try and get a handle on what was wrong with his Sentinel. Fix him like he had so many times before.

"It's like I don't even know who he is anymore." Blair wiped at his face. He wasn't crying. He was not going to cry.

"Blair, it's okay. I understand. When he first came back from Peru, he was so... like a little kid. Sort of a lost distant kid. He was hurting so bad. I thought that if I just loved him enough, understood him enough, was there for him enough, that it would get better. But he never let me get inside. He was raw, hurting and he never let me heal him. Perhaps I never could have, but I never got that chance. You want to know why I left Cascade?"

"I thought that it was you got a better job..."

"I still love Jim, but I could see you getting to him. Working in the cracks, making him the man that I always wanted him to be... a caring human. For a bit I though that we even had a chance. But abusers seldom change. Especially if they are in denial about being abusers. I had to get out. It was the kindest thing for both of us. Did you know that I had a gambling problem?"

"No. Wow." Blair was taken aback. He knew that she was one to make or take a bet on most anything. He was not aware of it being a problem.

"I do, or did. One weekend I ran over $5000 at the track. When Jim found out, he didn't scream. He spanked me. Got all cold and distant. Told me that it was for my own good, that he had to make me good. It was like he was this different person. He just... spaced out."

"Zoned. Yes, oh God. What am I going to do?"

"I'm am not telling you what to do. I had to leave. If I hadn't I would have killed him with his service revolver. I was that close to it."

"I can't. I'm his Guide." He whispered this almost to himself. "I promised that I would never leave him."

"You love him more than I did. But If you truly love him, you will leave before it comes to you or him." Her voice was gentle, firm. The voice of experience. "And it was more than that. He never was a lover. He never could open up. Sex was good, sometimes great. But I could have gotten more out of any house hold appliance than him, as far as warmth and feeling loved. He could be a cold fish. The only real kiss I ever got from him was after we were divorced. We were much better friends. You should move out. It could do wonders for your relationship."

"What do you know about Jim's Mom?" Blair came back to the reason for his calling. He was grasping at straws.

"Not much. We never talked to his Dad. He never brought up wanting to find or see her. I don't know if she is alive, but she must have been some kind of bitch to just abandon her kids like that."

"I think that she was being abused by Jim's Dad."

"Oh!" There was a large pause. "Okay. This explains a lot. Is Jim abusing you? I mean more than he was before?"

"He was so not abusing me before!"

"AH. So he is abusing you now."

"He's just confused. I'm... I'm not a woman. He's having a problem about that. He loves me. I love him. We just have problems we have to work out."

"Blair, has it missed your attention that I was a woman? That I loved him? That I wanted to get counseling and he just was not interested in it? I couldn't save him. The only thing that I could do was save myself."

"There has GOT to be something that I can do. He saved my life. I would be dead without him. You don't understand. We have this bond. He is a Sentinel. I am his Guide."

"The Thesis was real?" A soft sigh filled Blair's ear. "Poor Jim. Poor Blair. You really are in hell. Blair, even if you can't get Jim to go, you go. Get some help or stop sleeping with him. That might work."

"Ya, right." Blair slumped on the floor.

"I have to go. I hope that things work out for the best. I want Jim to be happy. I'm happy. I found someone to love, who loves me. I can only hope the same for the two of you."

"Thanks, Carolyn."

"Good luck. You're going to need it. Oh and I know that you aren't going to leave him. At least not yet."

The phone clicked and Blair found himself holding on still when the dial tone broke into his despair

***************

Blair sat on the floor next to the pay phone, trying to regroup. Shaken by the revelations that Carolyn had dumped on him. Man. He was screwed. She was right. About all of it. Including the fact that he was so not going to leave Jim.

At least not yet. If this had been any other person, or situation, he would have been gone a long time ago, but he had promised he would stay. Hell. He had come back from death for him. They owed each other their lives more times than he could remember or think of. He just could not leave. Not without a fight, a chance that he could make things right.

Think! That is what your good at. WHY was Jim acting the way he was? Fear based response. That had to be the answer. If he could quell the fear, remove it from the equation, perhaps he could make this right. Now what was Jim afraid of?

Intimacy. Loss. Loss of control. Loss of his Guide. Loss of his roommate. Loss of his masculinity.

That Blair was a guy. Well, tough one on that Mister Sentinel. I am not about to get a sex change for you or anyone. I like my dick. Been my best friend most of my life, even if he sometimes got me into trouble. Blair could not stay down too long. He smiled at himself. Planning, doing what he had been doing for the last four years. Figuring out his Sentinel. Carolyn had suggested counseling. That might be a good place to start. Right. Jim had gone to the Psych evaluations after Lash like a man given a death sentence. He had rehearsed his answers. Made sure that he had the text book responses. In truth if his feeling could be summed up it would be: 'When in doubt, empty the clip.'

He smiled. The man that saved his life. Jim had ignored or made jokes at the near passes that had been made at that time. Sigh. So now, without the bound of the Theses and his school work to tie him to Jim, why could he just not count on the Sentinel-Guide one?

"If you're waiting on a call back, I just have to let you know that the phone will not take incoming calls." A voice shook him out of his reverie. Blair looked up, one of his classmates, a rookie named Jade offered her hand to him. "You're about to be late for class."

"Thanks, man." Her strong grip and arm hoisted him to his feet. He dusted his pants off, and smiled his thanks. "I just had to think some things out."

She gave him a deep searching look, and then broke into a grin. "I'm not sure that we are allowed to think, at least till after graduation. If they want our opinion, they will give it to you." Her smile was sweet and she was a little closer to his age then most of the people in this class. He watched her trim behind, that not even the uniform could not hide. He had not looked at a woman in so long, and she smelled so nice.

Bad Blair. Bad Blair. You do not need to add to the confusion that is your so-called love life at this moment. But it was nice to look, to smell, smile and remember. And washed his hands off really well. If Jim got a sniff of woman on him at this point, it could set him off.

And he truly did not need that at this point in time.

******************

Jim's Point Of View

Commitment. I have never been one to do things by half. I learned that the hard way with Carolyn. She deserved so much more. I just wish that I could have given that then. I was so cold and she was so demanding. The more that she wanted the more that I had to pull away. I did change for her. I left Vice, back when we were still dating. She had goals in life. She thought that I could climb that social ladder with her. My face on the cover of Time. The awards. I was the man of her fantasy. Too bad that her fantasy could not come true. I have learned a lot since then. I have learned how to love.

Because of Blair. I love Blair. Have always loved Blair. I just didn't know that I loved him that way. Now it is up to me to unbend. Let go of the poison that my Dad poured into my ears about fags and men and all. I know that he was trying to protect me, he was never around, and did not want me to trust strange men, at least that is what he told me. Whatever the reason, I have to let go of things. Sally, she was more Mom to me than anyone. She told me once that I have a secret self. That secret self is all that I have to answer to.

Blair is part of my secret self.

We could together beat anything. Even death. What is a little thing like going to bed with your best friend compared to that? If this is what he needed, it is the least that I can do. I know that I love him. I can do this. We can do this.

The shopping has been done. I got all the things that I know that he likes, even the weird stuff. Saturday is the Jags game, and I have Friday off. This is going to be a weekend just about us. Doing whatever he wants to do. I owe it to him, and more. I have been such a shit. I was about to buy him some roses, but stopped myself. That was what I had to buy for Carolyn each time I failed her. Each guilt trip was paved with petals. Forgiveness withheld till I had the box in hand.

I could do better with Blair.

I would talk. He would talk. I would listen. I would make this work.

**************

The loft was empty when Blair got home. A note on the table.

Blair,

I just ran over to the video store. Going to get enough for the weekend, if you have any suggestions, call me on the cell. Just figured that I would grab something from each section, use up the free rental coupons that have been laying around.

Hope to be back soon.

J

Hardly a love note, but for Jim this was the height of passion. Blair grinned to himself, as he stuffed his uniform into the laundry hamper, and ducked into the shower. A weekend of videos. Just like the old days. If the weather was nicer, camping would have been nice, but this spring was proving to be wetter than normal. Ha. Cascade was wet. No matter when.

He came out of the shower, drying hair, slipping into comfy sweats, snagging Jim's Cascade Police sweatshirt. Hell, he could now wear this with some degree of honor. He was a cop now. Or a cop to be. The taste was still strange in his mouth. COP. Oh well. At least he had got away without cutting his hair.

Blair sat back on the couch tea in hand. Remembering.

<><><><><><><>

A long last look around. The Bull pen was still being put back in place he was just saying good bye. It had been home to him for near four years. One more ending. He touched a door in good bye. Most of the guys that he knew had seen him, had taken one look, and then scattered. No one was talking to him. Oh well. Not like he had anything to say.

Then everyone had descended on him at once. It was the first time seeing Jim... since... well, since he had tossed himself at his Sentinel's feet seeking forgiveness and understanding. Since he had gone on T.V. and declared himself to be a fraud.

Jim had pulled him to him, using that cane, rubbing his head in rough affection. The badge being tossed at him, his Mom telling him that she was so proud of him, everyone being so supportive. Telling him that he was needed. That he was going to be a cop. Wear a badge, wear a gun. Funny. The first that he had been on a case with Jim, after Jim had declared him his partner, he had asked if he could have a badge. It had been a lark, sort of a secret decoder ring to the hidden world, a mark of acceptance. God knows that he deserved it.

Question, did he really want it? Or was he just doing the next thing? Spinning his wheels till he got his second wind?

It was all so complicated. Between Jim being hurt, taking care of him, and being shoved into the Academy that next Monday, thinking time had been at a premium. This weekend was just to relax. Spend time with Jim. Bond. Talk. Have fun. Just like the old days.

Right. At some point sex was going to raise it ugly head, no pun intended. At this point he felt that he was living with three people: Jim his roommate & friend, Jim his Sentinel and Jim the confused lover. Somehow he had to interrogate the three into one, if he could. Compared to coming back from the dead, and saving the world, this should be a snap.

<><><><><><><>

He heard a key in the lock. For the first time in a long time the anticipation he felt was a good one. Jim was home! A wave of happiness lost but now found filled him.

"Hey, Buddy!" Blair bounced over to help Jim with the burden of bags.

"Hey, Blair!" His grin was infectious. This was going to be okay.

*****************

Jim and Blair fell into putting away the last few purchases. For some reason Jim felt compelled to buy pudding. The little snack pack size, the kind that don't need refrigeration. When he was in school, he had all but lived on them. Jim had never bought them before. Junk food. Microwave popcorn. Beer. Sarsaparilla. Coke. Wine. Blair looked at Jim. But he was oblivious, putting things away. This was the kind of wine that he had gotten once before. Jim had remembered. He grinned.

"Jimbo. Good choice in wine. Thanks for the Sarsaparilla, man, haven't had that in a dogs age."

"No problem. It was on sale." The light in his eyes belied the offhand reply. Score! He had done something that had made his Guide happy. Now if the rest of the evening could go as smooth.

Dinner was relaxed, prepared in companionship and eaten with relish. Jim touched his companion with the ease of the old days, what ... less than six weeks ago? Dishes were done together, getting in each outliers way some times, horse play, a tug of war for the drying cloth. Just like normal.

Popcorn. Beer. Videos. A couch. Blair settled on his end of the couch cross legged. Jim frowned a bit. He was hopping that this would be a more snugly event. But the night was long. He could wait. This was to be at Blair's pace.

The stack of video was impressive. No way that they were going to be able to watch all of them this weekend.

"What one-first?" Blair asked, attempting to scan the titles.

"You can pick whatever you like, but we have to watch this one first. Police Academy!" He grinned a truly evil grin.

"Please, Jim, tell me that you didn't get all of them!"

"No, they were out. Just had the first one. You got off light. Think that you can stand this one?" Gentle teasing. Jim would let it go if Blair could not handle it.

"Bring it on! "Blair folded his hands behind his head, smiling. He would so find a way to get back at Jim later.

The movie ended, Jim and Blair in stitches more about the comments made to each other about past and current police personal, than the movie itself.

"How about another comedy? I saw some Mel Brooks stuff. How about Space Balls then Blazing Saddles?"

"Cool. Have Star Wars too and Alien."

"That works." Blair was slumped back into the couch, legs sprawled. Kicked back and comfy looking.

Jim couldn't resist. Space Balls had just started. He slowly eased himself down till his head was pillowed on Blair's leg. Absently, Blair ran his fingers through his short wiry hair, sort of like soothing a favorite pet. Jim sighed, and settled down. Sure of his welcome, comfortable in this space, soaking up the warmth of the contact, the kiss of Blair's fingers wrapped around his chest.

"So may the Swartz be with you!" Blair stretched, dislodging Jim gently. "Need an intermission. That last brew is banging away at my bladder."

Jim smiled at his Guide's retreating form, and rewound the tape, putting on Blazing Saddles next. This was so a good idea. He had not seen Blair this relaxed in... well, a long time.

Blair flopped back on to the couch, and Jim left the trailers to run as he hit the bathroom.

Blair had fast forwarded the movie to the start of the show. He smiled as Jim assumed his former position, more in his lap than on his leg now. Blair's arm was rubbing his chest absently, trailing his fingers lightly over the ripples of his stomach, soft round soothing movements. If contentment had a name, he would wished that he could give it this. Jim nuzzled his head deeper into Blair's lap and kissed the inside of a sweat suited leg. The hand on his stomach pause, then resumed, perhaps a bit higher. Yes, higher. A finger brushed gently over one nipple, ticklish in it caress. He coughed. Reflexes. No not now. Jim grasped the errant hand, and held it over his heart.

Nothing more than this closeness, this oneness. Time for the exploration that he knew that Blair wanted to do later.

"Mongo not like that! Mongo straight!"

Jim shifted uncomfortable. Blair chuckled. He tightened his hand in reassurance of some sort. It was Okay. Whatever this was they were in this together. His partner's hand idly stroked his head and played with his hair. The sheer sensuality of it made him wish that he had the ability to grow more for him to play with, as he relaxed under the gentle touch.

******************

The two men rode off into the sunset, so to speak. Sheriff and side kick. The tongue and cheek Mel Brooks film had made them laugh, but now somber at its ending. Jim reluctantly lifted his head off of Blair's lap, disentangling the arm around him. It was getting late, and it had been a long week.

"Tired, kid?" Jim smiled down at the lax body of his Guide.

"Never too tired for you." Blair teased as Jim gave him a hand up off of the couch. The action was translated into Jim having an arm full of warm Blair wrapped around him. His blue eyes searched his. Looking for acceptance, for fear. For arousal.

"Do you want me?" He asked causally, after the reaction of the last time. Blair's arms were around his neck, looking up. Puppy dog eyes. The look that Jim could never resist. The look that had got him a week of a place to stay, that had turned into four years.

"I want this weekend to be about whatever you want." He smiled down at his partner, love and affection pouring off of him.

"Anything?" Mischief was rich in his eyes.

"Hum. Think I need a safe word before I make that commitment." Not quite teasing.

"I want to... be with you. Hold you. Make love to you. I want you to trust me. Trust yourself. And yes, you get to have a safe word. I get to have a safe word. Things get too intense, we stop and we talk. Or better we keep going and we talk. The last few weeks have been the result of fear based responses. I should have seen it. Helped you. Not let you tear yourself up the way that you have. I love you. I want to share that."

Jim's eyes closed, and he clutched his lover to him, holding him tight, Blair's arms around him just as tightly. "I love you, Chief. If I ever lost you I would die." Jim kissed the smaller man, fierce and hard, hands coming up to hold his head, bending him back, pushing him down to the couch, a low growl deep in the back of his throat.

"Easy, Big Guy. I'm here like for the duration. We just have to work on your control. I like it a bit on the rough and tumble, but we need to start out slow, okay? Okay?"

Jim was humping into Blair's body, hungering on his neck in a way that was sure to leave a love bite. Cave man sex. Oh dear.

"Safe WORD." Blair almost shrieked, as the hands tightened around the back of his head in a familiar pattern, one that he had hoped to break. Jim stopped, weather from pain at being shouted at in his ears, or at the idea of hurting his Guide.

Jim pushed himself away from his lover, trembling. Blair was shaking also. Need, fear and frustration washing over both of them. Jim turned to his Guide, looking for answers that Blair was not sure that he had on tap.

"Thanks. I want to try this again under a more controlled situation...."

"I am not going to put my love life up for testing." Jim was controlled, cold.

"This is not testing. I am done with my paper, all of that. This is about finding out what we want. Every couple has to experiment. Find out what trips there triggers." He grabbed Jim's hand and pulled the semi-resistant appendage to his erection. "You trip my trigger. Now we just have to find the right sort of gun to holster it in." Blair's randy humor was for once appreciated by Jim.

"Right. Well we've not been doing that badly." Jim gave his lover an experimental stroke. Blair grabbed that hand with both of his.

"Too much. Anymore and the party will be all over." Panting, fighting for control. "How kinky are you willing to be Jim?"

"I'm here, my hand on my best friend's cock, a woody just for him, and you ask me how kinky I am?"

"Surprise, Jim. This is pretty vanilla. Well, maybe a bit of hot fudge on the side, but still this is sort of, tame," as his Sentinel growled. "Or not." The thing is that we have to start some place. The question is were to start. What I like is slow, and long and fun, and sharing, exploring. I want to find all of your triggers and make them as hot as you can get. What I think is that you have had to repress them with other lovers, and dial it down. Well, I want to make you all that you can be. When I take someone to bed, we are in for a roller coaster of a ride. Think of the E ticket ride your body could be!" Blair looked at him with pleading and love. And horniness. Lets not forget that.

"You're too young to know what a E ticket ride is." He smiled at the earnest one. "Have you even been to Disney world?"

"Yup, Naomi took me to every amusement park that she could. I used to love them. Haven't been in years. But she told me about the E ticket rides. Told me that my life should be lived like one."

"I will grant you that. This has been a E ticket ride for sure." He scruffed the hair of his lover. "But I think that we should start off with the tunnel of love."

"Ouch. Bad pun. But I'm down with that. Just have to work up to it. Do you trust me?"

Jim sighed. "With my heart my soul and my bank card."

"Bank Card? Oh man, am I touched. Your pin is 3078 by the way."

"I am not going to change it. So what is your great plan."

"Well, I am a cop, and you're a cop. That means that we have at least two set's of handcuffs around...."

Jim stared at him in open mouth astonishment and not some little arousal.

****************

Blair had once more proven that a determined Guide was a force of nature. Something to weather, bow to and accommodate. And the look. He could never turn down the look. That was the only explanation as to why he was spread eagle on his floor, handcuffed to the pillar.

Blair carefully checked his wrist, making sure that the tub socks that he had sacrificed were padding his wrist enough. Blair's cock bobbed just a scant inch from his mouth as he did his check, and Jim leaned forward to lap at the tantalizing tidbit. Blair moaned, and stopped for a moment, unable or unwilling to move, as Jim's greedy tongue lapped and teased the head of engorged member, swirling around and over all reachable spots, sucking in the hard flesh, tasting the coppery sweet bitter musk, the salty need. Blair was hard pressed to pull away, but he rewarded his lover's efforts with a deep kiss, passion rolling off of the two of them, need a language of tongues and heat and vibration of moans. Jim had never been so responsive. It was as though the option of choice taken away from him, he had no recourse but to give into the inevitable. It was no longer his fault, or responsibility. He was bound, helpless, at the mercy of Blair hand's and mouth, his will and words, open to anything that Blair wished to do to him, a willing offering to the covenant of Sentinel and Guide. Two lovers that had shared life and death, to a union that had to be, despite the odds, or belief of the people involved.

Jim was the helpless captive of passion, at the mercy of his Guide, open to anything that he was interested in doing to him. Blair could take from him any reattribution that had been slated for the abuse that he had heaped on his lover over the last six weeks. Jim shivered in anticipation of what was to come, tugging gently at the cuffs, wondering how much time he had left to live. If just kissing Blair was this good, what would come next?

"Oh Jim. You are like so mine! I am going to tattoo my name on your butt!" Life could be worse.

He was about to get just what he deserved for the abuse that he had done to the man that he loved.

"Oh, Blair." It was an entree, a plea, a summons and a prayer all in one. Close to a sob, Blair responded by hugging his lover, and holding him, his hard body on top of Jim's powerful long one. There manhood's rubbed, need grinding on need. For long moments it seemed that the hot flush of passion would over take them before they had quite started, but Blair wrenched himself away, pulling back from the hot mouth and even hotter cock that was rubbing his.

"Easy, Jimbo. We have all night. I want to make this good. I want to make it last. I love you. After tonight you are never going to doubt that or regret it." A sweet smile filled his face. "My safe word is Naomi. You still want Pineapple for yours?"

"Yes."

"Great. This is going to be so cool. I love you so much." And Blair dropped and cuddled on the chest of his lover, safe, holding him safe warm and loved. At last he could talk to Sentinel, and he could not over react or walk away. Damn. He should have done this years ago. For a moment he could understand just why Jim had spanked him. It was about control, but it was also about need and love.

*****************

It was near sensory overload. The heat that was on his chest, the fine soft hair that enveloped his neck, trailed down on to his chest. The cool nipple ring rasping on his skin, a different point of focus, a hot spot of distraction in world of heat and hair and flesh. It helped keep him from zoning, distracting himself from the overwhelming sensation of pleasure, the slight irritation, that all in all felt sort of nice, once he let it. What must it feel to Blair, to have your nipple pierced? His own were not that sensitive. Till now. The irritation, the coughing that arose when Blair had been touching them, he was not sure were it had come from. Fear based response. Defense mechanism. Left over stimulation from the time he had that chest infection in the Jungle. Who knew?

Most of his lovers that had played with his chest had given up after a few minutes, when he expressed no interest in further stimulation, and showed that there actions could be put to better use elsewhere. Had never been paid that much attention to them. Till now. Hard fur covered chest on his. He could feel the slight chill of the hands, so wonderful touching him, shivering from skin hunger, releases, surrender, working along his rib cage, stroking and easing teasing, soft kisses on his shoulder, words whispered in his ear, most not in English, some were ones that he understood, mixed German and Latin and French, and some Spanish, all of love and poetry and comfort and surrender. Almost nonsense, just words, but it centered him, helped him to endure the touches of pleasure, and not zone.

"How are you doing?" lips whispering near his ear, then a hot wet tongue lapping the fold that met the side of his face, tracing the arch and working its way into the maze of the inner folds of his ear.

"Muuannn... You are trying to kill me for the insurance, aren't you?"

"You have insurance? Wow. With my name on it? How much?"

"Don't ask. I don't want you to have that sort of temptation hanging over your head."

"Aww, man, have a little faith. Your worth millions to me alive. I proved that." It was not a guilt trip. but it felt like one. "It's about friendship. It's about love. I will never betray you. You can trust me. You have got to trust me." Blair kissed him, hot and wet and playfully willing. "I will do anything to make this work. I'm still your Guide. I love you man."

"I love you, too. Want to take off the cuffs so I can show you how much?" Jim tugged on the restraints, more in play than intent.

"Hum. I don't know if I am ready. If you're ready, if we are ready to take that step yet." He regarded his friend. Blue eyes burning in to his. "It's like your heart is still in the jungles. Your sexual being is this beast of prey. This panther that takes what it wants, when it wants it. I want it too, but we have to put that kitty on a bit of a leash." He kissed Jim on the mouth, gentle hunger and need, almost pulling back at the suction that vacuumed his mouth onto his, pulled his tongue deep in to his Sentinel's mouth in a near painful way. Blair relaxed his mouth, and released his lips, pulling back, sliding his mouth to the side, and kissing his jaw. "Wow, man. Good thing that I have had my tonsils removed already."

Jim growled. Whether it was a mock growl, or something a touch closed to the jungle than he wanted to experience he was not sure. He stroked Jim, kissing down the chest, visiting the hard way too sensitive nipples and lapped at them.

And was nearly bucked off. Jim came up off of the bed, arched and screaming. And not necessarily in a good way.

Blair pulled away. "Too intense, man? Try and dial it back a bit, just feel the heat of my hand on your chest. Dial it back to where it is comfortable. To where you can handle it without discomfort. Let it be comfortable for you."

Moments passed, and the strain that was on Jim's face passed, relaxed his body lost some of its tension. And still Blair did not move. He held and cradled his lover almost worshipfully, calming himself as much as Jim. Then slowly, not moving his hands, Blair worked his way down, as slow as carpet moss, kissing and licking a path down the smooth hard body, slow soft ecstasy, dancing with his torso and legs in increments that could be seen only by a stop gap camera. Slowly he crept down, the sensation of the hair on his body a stimulant on the Sentinel skin, like a thousand paint brushes, rubbing over his belly, his cock. By the time that Blair's mouth had reached the hard and weeping member, Jim was moaning softly, twitching moving his hips in gentle humping movements, striving for stimulation, aching with need, racked with the promise of fulfillment. Blair breathed hot moist breath along the head and shaft, at the same time so slowly moving his hands slightly on the hard nipples that were so resistant to pleasure. He coordinated and choreographed the movements of his hands and mouth, so that the feedback of the tongue lapping on the head of his cock was mated with the slight rub of thumbs on the side of the erect nipple, the slow decent of his hot and giving mouth accompanied to fingers circling the tan aureola, the upward drawing milking of the large cock metered out with a slight milking of the nipples in his hands. So slow. So nice. So sweet. So hot.

"Blair," was all that Jim could cry out, before he came and shot his cum into his lover's mouth.

Quickly before Jim could drop into the near coma that he had every time before with love making, Blair rose up and kissed him. Close mouth in case Jim really did not wish to taste himself on his Guide, but Jim's demanding tongue parted his lips and plundered the depth, tasting him, tasting himself.

"So Jim, how are you doing?" He curled on his lover chest, arms enwrapping him. Holding fast to his love. Heart pounding, need just held in check, having almost climaxed when Jim did, it was that intense of a moment.

"That was so... nice." He smiled to show that it was so much more. But in Jim speak, that meant that he had rocked his world. "I can taste the Capuchin that I had yesterday. Sorry. I did not mean to do that. I wanted this to be a weekend about you."

"It is okay Jim. I wanted to do that. You stayed with me. You called my name." He did not mention that he had been working on desensitizing and retraining his body to accept pleasure, that he could hold on to like so many things that he had done to help his Sentinel.

Blair undid the handcuffs. He was suddenly caught in a bear hug, arms holding and surrounding him, pulled into Jim heat, Jim love. Playful aggression, but not as fast or brutal as before, Jim kissed him, and pinned him playfully to the nest of pillows and blankets. Licking with small cat laps the base of his neck, sucking briefly on each hard nipple, as he worked his hands up the rib cage, and down to his flanks.

Pinning his unhesitant Guide, he met his eyes, smiling. "I want this to be as good for you as it was for me."

And his head descended on his Guides need, mouth claiming him, owning him and needing him. He did not last long, no surprise, as Jim cupped his ass cheeks in his large hands, pumping the hard cock deep and deeper into his hot sucking mouth, tongue swirling and dancing along the shaft, urging his lover with stroke of thumbs and fingers like a jockey urging a stallion across the finish line.

"Here it comes, oh, Yes, yea, Now Now, Now, Yes, Yea. Yes. Oh... huuuuuunnnnnnhunnnagurrlow."

Jim held his lover for a moment, as the last spasms faded away, holding the taste, the moment, the feeling of completeness, of love and....

"Come up here." Blair hauled his lover up to rest on the bed next to him, pulling himself into his arms. He kissed him, first on the chin, then the mouth. Grateful sharing, demonstration of love that he failed to find words for.

"Man. Wow. Thank you! You are so great! I love you so much!"

"You're not so bad either." Affection deep in his voice, "Think that an old man can get some sleep now?"

"Show me an old man, and I will let you know. No old men here!" Blair latched on to his lover like he was about to gear up for a round two.

"Whoa, slow down, Junior. We have all day tomorrow and that Jags game. You kill me now and you will never find the tickets." Jim cuffed his lover, with a love tap on the back of his head.

"Man. Okay. Love you." Blair yawned once, and was gone.

Jim smiled in amusement. Blair did not have an off switch. You just had to let the batteries run out. He held his lover, content for the first time in a long time. The nice thing about oral sex was the fact that you did not have to worry about the clean up.

*****************

Morning was to be a lazy waking. At least that was the intent. Day light spilled in from the roof window and for a change it was not raining. Believe that. A Saturday in Cascade without rain. For a moment he wished that it was raining, as a better excuse to stay in bed and cuddle his lover. But the practical part of him demanded that he rise and put the clear day to good use. This was his first Saturday off in weeks. He did not have to go in for rehab for his leg, and the need that had pushed him to do six half days a week was diminished.

Blair was still asleep, still in the same position that he had crashed out in, His mouth slightly opened, hair tangled around him like a disreputable angel. Hungrily he watched his sleeping partner. It must have been the intensity of his gaze, for all of the sudden he awoke, blinking, looking up into his lover's eyes.

"Jesus, Jim. Good morning!" Blair stretched and started to role away. Jim pined him, and proceeded to kiss him, morning mouth and all. Blair resisted for a moment then drifted into the kiss, wrapping his arms around his Sentinel, moving into his embrace. "This is real nice, but unless you are into golden showers, you might want to let me hit the head."

Reluctantly Blair was released, and Jim slowly trailed him down the steps, pulling on some sweats as he went. By the time that he was down the stairs, Blair was out of the bathroom. Tooth brush in mouth, heading to the kitchen sink to finish up. He planted a minty kiss on Jim's lips. Tom's toothpaste. Spearmint. Nice. Have to remember that one. The mint tingled and urged him to brush also. He was just finishing up, when Blair was returning the brush to the bathroom.

Blair's arms came around him, spooning up into his back, pressing his check into his shoulder. "Good morning." He pressed a kiss beneath the shoulder blade, licking nibbling. Playing. He turned an unresisting Jim to him, and Kissed him properly. "What is on the agenda for today?" Teasing. "I am all yours. good buddy!"

"I know that. Might be more than you can handle?" Jim smiled down at his guide, planting a kiss on his forehead.

"I think that I can handle it just fine. Have a whip and chair on hand just for if the bad old kitty gets too rough." Blair's hand reached down and cupped the now hard rod that was between them. "Want to take a shower with me?" A hot and sweet smile. "I'll scrub your back and anything else you want." Jim kissed him as a form of agreement.

"Oh and I have an idea. If we keep you from getting too desperate sexually, that is to say sexily frustrated, it might help keep you from getting out of control. That means that I have to keep you happy. Something that I am looking forward to."

"I see. Think that I have to invest in some safe sex precautions. Like an extra large bath mat."

"Not a problem, later." And kissing took place of further conversation.

****************

"So Jim, up for some good clean fun?" Blair lightly ran his hand up and down the iron hard shaft that was poking him in the tummy. Blair's erection was just a tad lower, but just as insistent in its demands for attention.

"Sure. I seem to be up for a good deal of late. You make me so hot. Bring it on. Hope that you know that you are gong to have to go half on the water bill this month."

"I always go half on the bills. Lets just think of this as a water conservation measure. Save water, Take a shower with a friend!"

Not much if any water was saved, sad to say.

Blair stepped into the shower, pulling his unhesitant Sentinel in with him. For a moment they were locked in a kiss, forgetting that the purpose of a shower was to get wet some were along the way.

Kissing someone that is shorter than you takes a lot of effort. Like wise someone that is taller. Well, worth the effort, but effort nonetheless. Slick sweat soon covered the two of them, heat compiled in the enclosed space. Jim tasted the salt and flavour of his Guide, lapping his neck, seeking his sent from under his arms, his hair, his groin, sniffing and licking, tasting, learning and loving him in a new and different way. Blair in lust. Blair in need. Guide ripe with arousal, and flavored with left over traces of his completion last night.

The traces of him on his lover, the oil from his palm leaving a perfect hand print on his but, he outlined each finger print, laved with his tongue where his palm had been, holding Blair’s ass last night as he spilled into his mouth, separating the older stale pheromones from the new fresh ones of today.

Blair was malleable to this inventory, leaning on the tiled wall, held up by it and sexual tension. Jim moved him, better to taste and explore, mark and claim each inch of his Guide, touching and learning the strong back, seeded with a fine version of the hirsute chest, strong shoulders. Kissing down the spine, licking each vertebra, lapping the hollows at the small of the back, kissing each round hard check, beginning to part them, preparing to...

"Whoa, Jim! Easy! Think that we should clean up a bit before we go much farther. One more stoke, and I will be decorating this wall!"

Jim had be on the verge of a zone out. But then so had Blair. The sensation of hands and mouth moving so loving, so slow, exploration of his entire being. He had nearly cum when Jim had licked the inside of his elbows, a hot spot that he had not been aware of till now.

Jim slowly working his way down his back. Unknitting his spine with his tongue, that had been close to his undoing. It was just as he was aware that he was about to be rimed that he realized that he had better put a damper on this, before it went too far too fast. Blair turned and pulled his Sentinel to his feet, kissing him and hugging him fiercely. The urge to rub his need on the hard body, to merge with him, take or be taken by him, was so close. Time for some cooling down. He so wanted this to last.

Fumbling behind him, he turned on the water. Lucky that it was the cold water, as the shower valve had been left open, to prevent the dripping that so annoyed Jim. Blair had forgotten this at this moment, and the two of them were suddenly drenched in chill water. Blair getting the worst of it due to his position under the spout.

Jim pulled back to laugh at his guide, His hands cupping his lover's face, about to make a remark about needing a cold shower. And saw Blair. Hair wet and clinging, His eyes closed, chill flesh under his hands, mouth lax and open.

Just like at the Fountain.

The sense flash back was too much. The taste of Blair, the loving of Blair, the joy and power, and sex were all washed away in the sudden cold drenching spray.

"No!!!! This is not happening!"

And Blair's eyes opened, shocked, annoyed, worried, but alive. He shut off the shower lever, and turned on the hot water to warm up.

"Jim! It's okay! Man, what was a downer. Are you okay?" Blair was shivering slightly, cold water dripping off of his face, running off of his hair. "Jim, what is it?" The Guide voice kicked in. The one that Jim would follow anywhere. It pulled him back from the zone that he was about to retreat into.

"The Fountain.....You were so cold, So wet. So...."

"I was dead. You called me back." Blair grasped one of Jim's hands and held it to his heart. "I am alive. I am with you. I love you."

"And you are cold. Think that the water is warmed up?" Jim tested it, adding a touch of cold, balancing the temp to something just between what temp that Blair enjoyed, and his near tepid shower. He had to warm up Blair. The sight of the wet hair, stringing and lax around and on his face still bugged him. He pulled the damp mass away from his lovers face and kissed him, fingers tangled in the wet tendrils. The sent reminded him that they were in the shower to get clean also. Jim snagged the bottle of Natures Gate off of the holder, and put a dollop in his lover's hair, moving him out of the spray, shampooing and massaging it into the scalp, working it all the way in then out to the ends. Some were along the line Blair had acquired an interesting number of head traumas. Jim could feel each micro fracture, old scare and bone bruise that decorated the back, front and sides of his head. Most had happened in adult hood, and not healed the way that bone heals when you are young. The front of his forehead had several knots in his scull, ridges that he could count, and label as to when and were it had happened.

Because of him. The ridge on the right side of his face, that was when a radio tower fell on him. The deep knot in the back of his head, that was from Alex, when she knocked him out and tossed him into the fountain. And more. OH so many more.

"Hey, Jim? Time for the rinse cycle, if you know what I mean. And I am loving this." Blair was purring under his hands. He did not know. He did not remember. He did not understand. He could have died any of the times, had died.

Jim turned his Guide into the stream of the water, and just held him, tightly. Blair kissed his Sentinel on the neck, arms around his love.

"Man, I would not have traded any of the days that I have spent with you for anything. Wow! Can you picture just how good it is going to get?" Blair's mood was infectious. Nothing else he could have said at that moment would have reached him.

"How about some conditioner? The one with the sandal wood?" Blair nodded, and Jim worked a squirt of Nature Gate conditioner into his lover's hair.

Working it in, combing it out with his fingers, working out the knots and tangles that last night and this morning had left vestige there. He was working on a rather annoying elf lock when he realized that Blair was stroking his back, working circular motions and swirls over the broad plain of his traipses, ghost touching with his fingertips up and down his spine. Nice. It sent shivers along his nerves system that were about to shift him into over drive. That was it. It was time to get out of the shower. He pulled away from Blair, making it the second hardest thing that he had done, since last night.

"Okay, Sandburg, time to hit the shower. He slapped a soaped wash cloth into his hands. Lets get clean."

The two worked over each over, more with the intent of washing then foreplay, a goal of some sort clear in at least Jim's eyes. Blair was happy. This was what love was about, not head trips. Not Guilt. Just fun, and being with someone that you love.

Jim looked at his carefree lover, amused at him washing his toes. He owed him so much. He had to make this work. He had such a debt to pay off. He could have lost Blair. He was going to do his damnedest to make sure that he did not lose him ever again.

No matter what he had to do.

**

Sooner or later, Jim knew that this would happen. It was far too good to last.

Blair was testing him.

Jim laid sprawled out on the floor, as close to a puddle as a man could get. Surrounding him and his Guide were assorted impalements of destruction. The silk scarf, the velvet and rabbit fur mitt he understood. Even liked a lot. A whole lot. The rubber spatula was a different matter.

His Guide, his lover had been experimenting with his body like a kid with a new erector set. He had not been so poked and prodded since his last military physical. Had to admit this was a hell of a lot more fun.

"No ice. Sorry, Blair. I am just not into... Arrrrrgggg, oh... ah... yes..."

Blair looked up at his debauched lover. In the end it had made better sense to just toss down the old drop cloth that was used for camping, lining the inside of the tent, and put some of the old sheets and his blanket on the floor next to the fire place, start a small fire in the middle of the day, and close all of the blinds. A C.D. played in the back ground, "Jazz Under a Strawberry Moon". The music talked. No words, please. It was time for the two of them to speak for themselves.

"What was that?" Jim did not know whether to come out of his skin, or just to cum.

"I have a piece of ice under my tongue. I lick the up stroke with the warm side, the down side with the smoother, but colder side. Great party trick." Cheerfully he demonstrated it again. "Like it?"

Jim was beyond words at this moment. Blair had been pushing different stimulation's, seeing what Jim liked best, as well as looking for ways to keep him from zoning on him during sex.

"Take off the hand cuffs and I'll show you." A low growl echoed in his voice.

"Soon, Jim. Soon. I'm going to let you have your wicked way with me. Just have to make a few preparations first."

"If I let you live that long." Jim muttered to himself. "Remember we have a game to go to tonight. Jag tickets. From Simon. Remember? Do not kill your source of Jag tickets. If your nice to me, I'll buy you a hotdog?"

"I got a hot dog right here." Blair gave an another appreciative slurp, this time with the cold side. "Needs a bit of mustard though...."

"You are in so much trouble." Jim thrust up, frustration and need warring with his urge to let things just flow.

"I am used to it. I thrive on it." Blair made an another commando raid on Jim's hard cock, sucking him deep into his mouth, lapping at the base of the shaft, pulling back a touch, and then descending, finding a rhythm that worked for the two of them.

Jim dropped his head back and offered himself up to the inevitable.

*******************

Jim closed his eyes. Focusing on the heat, the sensation, the stimulation, so incredibly nice, so....

"Jim." Blair's mouth was on his kissing him. "Come back to me man. Damn. You zoned. I was so trying to keep that from happening."

"It's okay. I've zoned on worse things." He smiled at his lover. Taste. He could taste himself on Blair's lips. Had he cum yet? He looked down, his cock hidden by Blair's body. Oh hell. He was going to have to ask. "Did I have a nice time? Did you?"

Blair's smile was wide, and a touch rueful. "I stopped as soon as I realized that you had zoned. Sorry man. Want to try again?"

The blinds were pulled. No clue as to the time. I looked at the reflection of the V.C.R. time and read it backwards in the reflection of the polished wood of the chair. Damn. It was like 2 P.M. We had to hustle if we were going to eat and make it to the Jags game. "No.. we will have time later and well we have some things to take care of before the game, if you know what I mean. You hungry?"

"I could eat." Blair could always eat. He gave a wistful look at his lover and the set up that surrounded them, and with a last kiss, uncuffed him. "You are sure about this? You were sort of close to the edge. I mean, the sexual frustration could be... " He left the statement open, hoping that Jim would be aware of the risks of not taking care of his sexual needs. The price that they had both paid for him repressing that need.

"I will be fine. It is just for a few hours right? Nothing is going to happen at a basketball game."

*******************

Those words were coming back to haunt him. Blair in the bleacher next to him, yelling with the crowd, jumping to his feet several times, the thick stench of adrenaline of the crowd around them, the faint sent of arousal that still clung to both of them even after separate hurried showers. It had not helped that lunch had been Chinese and that Blair had found a new and different way to eat snow pea pods that should have a R if not a NC-17 rating. Chop sticks. Something rather sexy about eating with chopsticks that he had missed out on till now. If he had his way he would hide the rest of the silverware and Chinese would be on the menu every night. Along with a side order of Blair.

He had nearly zoned several times, but each time Blair had brought him back, with a touch on his leg, a hand on his back, his leg nudging into his. Just saying his name. Only one of the times had he lost it on the game itself. Watching the ball spinning, reading the name Spading as it spun slowly into the net as a perfect shot made its way home. The halftime buzzer had shaken him from that one. The rest had been about Blair. For a moment the urge to grab Blair and drag him back to the truck, finish what had been started this morning was strong. But he could not do that. He had to prove that he was not going to let that happen, that he was not going to use or abuse his love, his Guide. At his pace. He slipped an arm around Blair, pulling him tight undercover of game camaraderie. The Jags were ahead by 20 points. Sure it was half time, but it was a good thing.

"So Chief, have any bets riding on this game?" Jim half smiled at his Guide, knowing that he would not do anything like that now or at least hoping.

"Na, have been so far into the training that I have forgotten things like sports and T.V. even existed. Last thing that I read for fun was an advertisement for a movie. I thought to my self... movie.. what was that? Then Bam! It all came back to me." He grinned. "Who do you think is going to win?"

Jim looked at the teams as they were heading off court. A new guy, fresh from the collage draft was the shining star of the moment of the Jaguar team. He focused on him for some reason. Smell piggy backed onto sight and hearing. Steroid. Cortisone. Tigerbalm. A slight limp, a just noticeable favoring of his left knee. He moaned, a low keening of pain, that he himself was probably not aware of. A slight sent different from the crew around him. Drugs. Pain. Lots of Pain. A faint sheen of sweat.

"Well, if they are only counting on the new guy, they are in for a world of pain. His knee is about to go out like a cheep date."

"Man that sucks." Blair's low voiced compassion stirred something in Jim that was warm and fuzzy. "Sometimes I forget just how this game can chew people up and spit them right out."

And Blair was off on a topic, discoursing the possibility of restructuring the sporting industry, so that people that were in that situation could be helped.

Blair headed off to the bathroom. A backward look at Jim, after he stated that he was okay, did not need to go. It was too much like temptation. A small part held the real fear that he might push his lover into one of the stalls, pull the door shut, and have a repeat of what had happened before. He shuddered at the thought. He had a willing loving partner. He had to do everything that he could to keep it that way. Killing time he wondered over to the souvenir stand. Jag tees. On impulse he purchased two, one for each of them, and shoved them into his jacket. He would surprise Blair with them later. Just in time he hid them and stepped into the hot-dog line. Blair joined him, as Jim put in his order he looked at Blair. "Two Dogs. One extra mustard. Hold the cabbage."

It was all Blair could do not to fall down on the ground laughing.

*******************

The game ended in a dismal way. The new star, number 33 Creed, was taken out by a miss step, as he was fowled by his guard, and the two went down in a messy and painful looking clash of body parts. The Jags still won, but by a much narrower margin than they could have. All in all it had been an exciting game. But Jim was just glad to be heading home. He had his hand on the small of Blair's back, part not to zone and part not to be separated in the crush of the crowd.

The wait to get out of the parking lot was filled with talk about the team, and changes in player roster. Jim's hand was on Blair's leg for most of the time, grounding himself, keeping contact with his lover. Blair's hand was over his. His eyes seldom left Jim's face, bright and large and full of love.

"Want to do the Wonderburger drive through for dinner?" Jim asked, not sure if Blair would be interested in his favorite excuse for food.

"No, I'm okay. Going to wait till I get home to get something hot. Have some leftovers that need to be reheated." The innocence that he stated this with near took Jim's breath away. His foot went a shade heaver on the gas pedal. Blair was in So much trouble.

*************

They were just inside the door when Blair pounced. Jim had been so concerned about holding back, of not letting his primal nature run rampant, that for just a moment he stood in shock as Blair plastered himself to him, arms around his shoulders, mouth pressed hot and wet and demanding on his lips.

Fear. Damn. If he let his control slip, he could hurt his Guide. He pushed Blair back. "Easy, Junior. Don't damage the merchandise. Do I have to hose you down or toss a table leg at you?" Jim teased his lover, as Blair worked the fastenings of his leather jacket open. The Jag t-shirts fell out.

"Wow. What's this?" It would take something out of the ordinary to distract Blair in hot persute of nookie. He stopped and picked up the clear sealed packs holding the shirts. He looked at Jim in questioning confusion. The fact that they were in two different sizes did not miss him. He waited for an explanation.

"I got them at the game. Jag shirts, you know. Something to remind us of our first date." He teased Blair, not knowing how else to offer the gift that he had been planning to just leave on his bed, or hand off at some more neutral time. For Blair to find them in the heat of what ever he was trying to do was ... Well, it tossed him for a loop. He had bought Blair things, shirts, socks and shoes before, but this was ... in this situation almost romantic. Oh God.

"Gee, thanks Jim. That was nice." He then tossed the shirts over his shoulder were they landed on the couch, and proceeded to attack Jim's neck, pulling the jacket off of his shoulders, working the sleeves down his arms, distracting him by licking his Adam's apple, undoing Jim’s shirt with his teeth, pulling his tee shirt up over his head, and then using it to bind his hands behind his back.

"Blair! How the hell, were the hell did you learn that move?" He was more amazed than annoyed.

"It just happened one time, and the girl thought that it was pretty hot. Didn't have the heart to tell her that it had just gotten rolled up and tangled. I have since then perfected it into a Sandburg special!"

"I never knew that you were this kinky." Jim muttered this as Blair pulled his zipper down, and divested him of his pants socks and shoes. Blair stopped, looked up at Jim, and with a knowing smile, picked up the pants, dusted them off, and laid them over the back of a chair. He also lined up the shoes at the door, with the socks tucked inside of them. He then hung up the jacket and the shirt on the hooks by the door.

"Thanks," Jim said, "that was kind of you, since I don't have a free hand. Want to tell me what this is about?"

"This is about me taking you upstairs and showing you the time of your life." Blair grinned. Excited, playful, sort of like a puppy on speed, suddenly his tongue were every place. The sweet slow lover of this morning was replaced by this whirling dervish that had laid claim to Jim's body.

"Keep that up, and the trip upstairs will not be needed!" Jim was testing the shirt that bound his hands. He knew that he could get it off, even if it meant ripping it to small pieces. The shirt was a token, a reminder to let Blair do what he was doing, to refrain from ... loosing it.

"Don't worry. There will be more where that is coming from." He danced behind his lover, and began to guide him to the stairs.

"I see that you have been a busy Guide. When did you have time to do this?" Jim Looked at Blair. "And you have far too much clothing on."

"Right. Have a seat." Jim sat as Blair began to strip, the fact that he still had his windbreaker on was a testimony to how eager he had been to get his lover into bed. He tossed his clothing over the railing, trying to be a bit neat about it, but not making as much of an effort as he had with Jim's clothing. When at last he was naked, and aroused before Jim, he seemed just a touch unsure. He lit the candles at the foot of the bed, and picked up the tube of KY.

"Trust me Jim?" The Sentinel could smell his arousal and near panic.

"Yes." No elaboration's declarations. The yes was enough. Blair was going to fuck him.

He deserved it. After all that he had done to and put his Guide through, it was the least thing that he could give to him.

**********

Blair stood, naked, aroused, beautiful before Jim. His heart broke at the sight of his love. If possession is 9/10th of the law then Blair will own him twice over after this. He had half of his soul, most of his heart, and as much trust as he had ever given anyone. But with if it was not enough? He looked at his expectant Guide/lover/friend. For the first time, he saw that the three were one. He was his friend, one that had never hurt him, never would. Not on purpose anyway.

But for Alex, second Sentinel to wander across his path that had nearly destroyed them as a partnership. But he had his own part to play in that, his own guilt. Seven months, time you would think that you could get over that sort of betrayal. His and Blair's.

For that, for getting shot, kicking him out, for getting him killed, for the dissertation, for the four years that the kid had spent at his side, guiding him. If this act could negate even one of the thing that Blair had gone through for him, then it would be worth it, this sacrifice, this surrender.

Blair stood over him, and placed his hands on his shoulders, and bent his head down to kiss Jim's up turned face. Passively Jim accepted and returned the kiss, welcoming the tongue that was now probing and seeking, testing tasting. The wild scrambling of passion was changed, this had a different flavor to it, less playful, but joyful, loving sweet and happy.

Slowly, and without menace, Blair pushed his unhesitant Sentinel down to the bed, pulling his arms down and adjusting so that he was not pinching them, but still confined with his shirt, arms drawn to his sides, held in place with his own body. Blair mantled his body for a long moment with his own.

"I love you." He stroked his lover across the hard nipples, noting with satisfaction that Jim did not react badly, but moved in response, happy at the touch, aroused by the stroking. He kissed each one, a lick kiss suck, and pulled away.

"I did some research, and I think that I found a way to keep you from zoning. If you have a distraction to look for, it should help to keep you focused. Remember when we went camping and you were holding the candle, and wax dripped on you? You could handle it right?"

Jim nodded. Confused as to were this was going. Blair took the long taper that was burning near his hand, and held it over Jim's chest, from a height of about two feet. "This is going to be warm, but not burning, something that you can easily handle. I want you to be aware of the heat, as I drip a drop on your skin. Just heat. Let it happen." With a last kiss to his chest, Blair let one fat drop fall.

***************

Jim heard each sound in the room like the reverberation in a drum. The soft sizzle of the candle as the wax was consumed, oxidized by the flame, the soft tswoush sound as the liquid wax partly obscured the flame, nearly extinguishing it, as the candle was tipped, the soft slosh as it flowed, sigh of the rim of the candle that was cooler collapsed from the heated wax running over it, the louder swish of the opposite rim as the heat more aggressively melted the upper rim, the soft huff sound of the wax falling, cooling as some of the heat dissipated, the spork sound as it hit his chest, just below this right nipple.

Despite that, Jim let out a soft "Ah" of surprise at the intense warmth, the shock of the wax cooling and contracting, tugging on micro hairs, making his body intently aware of that scant few centimeters of flesh. It was not painful. It was stimulation unlike any thing that he had ever felt before. One drop of candle wax on the passion sensitized flesh of his chest.

For a moment he forgot about Blair hovering above him, about his cock pressed so tight to his body, rubbing on his cock, forgot that Blair was going to do to him the one thing that he was dreading, wanting, the last barricade that he had held on to, that last concession to his decent into whatever he was becoming.

"Oh, man. Damn." Jim lurched at the intense stimulation. He was intently glad at this moment that his arms were bound by the shirt, that he did not have to test, to trust his will to surrender to Blair, that he could only endure, and trust, let his lover push without question any direction that he wished, that Blair thought that he deserved.

"Like that Jim?" Blair kissed his lover on the neck, being careful not to burn his hair. "It is not too much, is it?"

Jim shook his head, not trusting his voice. Blair put the candle back in its holder. "Cool. I am going to keep that for a back up if you start to zone." Blair's smile was sweet, loving tender passionate, and wicked as Jim had never seen him before. Seducer. Tempter. Corrupter. Dark angel, come to drag him into a dark night, one that he did not have the will to fight any longer.

*****************

Oh wow! Blair watched as Jim reacted to the drop of hot wax drip on his chest. For a moment he thought that he might have gone too far, that this was too much for his love, that he was pushing things too fast. But the memories of what he had done with Molly, the mild B/D, the games that they had played with fire and ice, wax and ice cubes, well it was just too much to resist. And it seemed to be a good way to insure that Jim would not zone, or a way to bring him out of a zone without breaking making love. For a Moment the candle light caught the near clear white wax and illuminated in such a way that it looked red, like a gun shot. Had to be the reflection of skin, of blood, engorged flesh under it. It still was disturbing to him, as he put the candle aside. He had other things in mind.

He stroked down the firm chest of his lover, fingertips trailing invisible threads of heat tracing the ribs, caressing the hard nubs over and over, till Jim moaned his name. "Blair."

"Love you, Jim. Having a nice time?" He kissed the right nipple, and used his soft curls to stroke the left, alternating from right to left a few times with his hair and mouth, coming back to kiss the open and gasping mouth that was making such needing noises.

"Blair.... I'm ready. Whatever you're going to do to me, do it now, when I can't say no." Jim took a deep breath, trying to control the shuddering of his body, on the verge of an overload or zone.

"Anything?" Blair teased. He kissed the sweet spot just behind his Sentinels ear, licking the inner folds with a whisper swipe.

"Anything." Jim tensed, wishing that he would just get on with it. Take what he wanted, give him what he deserved.

"Wow. You trust me that much?" More than humbled, awed by the surrender that he saw in his lover's eyes, feeling the need the love, the surrender, the fear.

Jim nodded. Words beyond him. Without warning Jim's legs came up and around Blair's waist, hugging him, pulling his down, embracing him as he could not with his arms. He squeezed his lover hard, momentary grinding them together, sweet slick flesh rubbing, frontage front to front, head to head. Blair's heavy balls dragging along and over his shaft, the slide and bump of glands and hardness on his was nearly the undoing of both men.

Blair had an iron will at this moment. Or perhaps the weakness of need of more than this. He had thought long and hard about how this could happen, how he could over come this fear that his lover had of intimacy. How best to prove that he could love Blair, that it was not some twisted or hurtful thing.

"Stop, Jim. Please. Oh not yet. Man, no not yet. Dial it back."

Jim's legs reluctantly fell away, to rest bent and framing his lover, feet on the bed, open and waiting. Exposed, He knew he was in place. His ass was open to what ever violation that Blair chose to do to him.

"Be gentle... " Jim was trying for a joke. The catch in his voice betrayed him.

"Man. You ask a lot. But don't worry. I have been reading up. When we were at the game, and I went to the restroom, I... sort of took care of some things." Blair reached down and got two condoms from the table by the bed. With an amazing dexterity he ripped the foil off with his teeth, for both of them, and slid a condom on himself one handed, then on his lover using both hands, lubing the both at the same time, fisting the two together for a moment. The tight sensation of the condom was a separate torture, cutting down on one sort of sensation and creating another.

Blair leaned back on the thighs behind him, pulling his feet up. He reached behind himself, and with a slight grunt, dislodged something. Jim's days on vice had not left him uninformed about such things. That Blair would use a butt plug on himself was shocking to him, for just a moment.

"I'm ready for you. I have been ready for you for a long time, only this time I am prepared." Blair smiled. On his toes and hands, still resting on the strong legs behind him, he guided him self down onto Jim's waiting need. "I love you. This is going to be so good!"

Jim was enveloped, taken stirred but not shaken. A warm tight night engulfed him. Unlike anything that he had ever experienced before. A distant part of him was aware of the sound of ripping cloth, and a startled surprised yelp.

***************

Slowly Blair moved. Savoring each moment, carefully easing himself down the hard need, that despite his carefully stretching and lubing of himself felt was going to split him in half. He had to stop, half way and give himself a moment to adjust, holding still, a throbbing member half impaled in his ass. His throbbing cock more than half cocked. Intense pressure. Deep pleasure, as he worked up a fraction, and back down, stroking his prostate. Gasping at the sensation. He had been on edge since the end of the game, since he had buggered himself with the butt plug, making himself half mad with the thought of Jim taking him there, feeling his hot love rocket shooting for his moon. It had been all that he could do to not rape him in the truck. The assault on his friends body the moment that they had walked in the door. It had been all that he could do to keep from begging him to take him, drape him over the back of the couch, across the dining room table, hell on the floor on his hands and knees.

Only the knowledge that this act would set the president for all further love making, that this might be the one chance that he had to take control of the situation, to make it right the first time, kind and gentle passionate and hot and loving and...

"Oh!" The slow pull thrust of decent, the working the massive cock into his tight ass, carefully controlled, riding up then down, accepting a touch more with each thrust, claiming a fraction more of the cock he was riding, rocking himself down and back, watching his lover. He gave him self slowly to his lover, controlled and careful...

Without warning Jim thrust up, impaling with one lunge thrust the mostly assimilated man meat. His body was arched like a tightly drawn bow, knocked and aimed for the targeted. The t-shirt that held his arms was shredded like just so much tissue paper.

And Jim's hands were on him. Blair shivered at the touch of his hands grasping his shoulders, holding him in place as he thrust his hips up once more, pushing his punishing large hard cock deeper into the now over stretched rectum. The razor edge of pleasure pain that He had been riding rocked dangerously over into the pain over load, for a moment, till Jim dropped back to the bed, still holding his lover deeply seated on his cock.

A shivering, shaking moment, where sanity, passion and control hung in the balance. Blue eyes met, and animal natures emerged, a blue eyed wolf growled possession, need keening deep in the back of his throat, raw and primal, alpha, and dominate despite the fact that he was the one that was being taken, given. A near howl of a cat in heat, the essence of Jungle, of night of wild and near tame. A moment of mastery, by his lover, and of himself.

And the fire that burned of madness was replaced with the glow of love and more human need. Blair leaned forward and Jim leaned up to share a kiss. It was not easy, more a testimony to Blair's yoga training than anything else and the need to commune love with an unspoken language.

It could not last long. Far too close to the edge were the two men, held in check by near heroic control. The sensation of his cock, rubbed between his belly and Jim's was the stroke that broke the hold. Heat on heat, Jim's smooth hot belly, pressing and stimulating. He could not hold back. Mouth locked on his lover, hands supporting the both of them, as Jim hung off of his strong shoulders. He rocked his hips, grinding his cock into Jim's belly button, milking the hard invader that was pressing into his prostate. The two stumbled over the edge of passions cliff together, Blair's hot seed filling the condom as the same time he felt the last thrusts edging him to passions decent and he felt Jim shuddering beneath him. They moaned their completeness into one another mouths.

It was much more than sex. This was fucking at its best. Good, primal, caring, sharing, mating, Bonding. Trust at its deepest level.

Love. The passion ebbed away slowly, draining away like the now unneeded blood to the deflating cocks. Last conscious act of caring, Blair eased up, and removed the condoms from both himself and his lover, tied a knot in the ends and toss them in the trash. A cloth with witch hazel to clean them up, and Guide laid down at his Sentinel's side, head pillowed on his now near unconscious lovers chest.

"Love you, Jim. When do the movies have to be back?" Blair asked.

"The videos? Monday. Love you, Blair." And Jim pulled his arms around his Guide snuggled on his chest, and the final surrender was to sleep.

********

Heat on his face woke him. Groggily, He was aware that it was Sunday. Light spilled in from the sky light. That is were the heat was coming from. That and the moist bundle curled up in his arms. Blair drooled in his sleep. And snored. How attractive. Jim watched his sleeping Guide. Love and affection spilling over him in equal parts. Poor kid was tired. As much as he wished to wake him up, kiss and revisit some of the experiences that they had shared last night, Blair needed a bit more sleep.

It was okay. There were things that needed to be done. Chores that he could get out of the way so that he could have the rest of the day with Blair. There were still some movies to be watched, and things that needed to be done.

Jim brushed a kiss over his sleeping Guide's forehead, and headed down the stairs. Laundry. He had to do laundry. That could wait a bit. While yanking the sheets put from under Blair might go unnoticed at this point, it still would be rude.

He would do Blair's sheets. God knows that they needed it. Jim smiled to him self, a warm feeling at the though of some act of kindness that he could do for his love. He hummed to him self, drinking in the sent of Blair in this room, comparing it to the sent of the sleeping Blair upstairs.

What. Something was wrong. Fear. Old fear. Arousal. A woman's perfume. Floor wax, dust. What the hell? Jim pulled Blair's cop uniform out of the laundry hamper, and sniffed the two day old sent. Oh yes, it was.

A scent of a woman on Blair's uniform, mixed with both panic/fear and some arousal.

Jim's heart turned to stone, and his hands started to shake.

**************

Blair stretched, the ache in his over used body, the mild throbbing of his ass reminding him unneeded about last night. The spot beside him still held a trace of warmth, so Jim could not have been gone too long. For a moment the urge to stay were he was, wait for Jim to return, to snuggle and play some more was played out in his head. But the beer's at last nights game were banging at his bladder. Nature was calling, and calling collect. He slid out of bed, gathered his discarded clothing of last night, and padded down to the bathroom.

A quick look around the loft, and Jim was no place to be seen. Hum. Perhaps he went out to get a paper, or something for Breakfast. Sundays were some times donut days. He smiled at the thought of his lover slipping out and getting breakfast. He would get a shower and wait for him.

END PART 7