Conner's New Law Enforcement Quiz 2: You know you've been in law enforcement too long when...
By Patt
(Again, for Denise who gave me the ammo. )


Conner: Your idea of comforting a child is placing him in a papoose restraint.

Blair: Not. That is like so harsh.
Jim: I'm with Blair on this one.
Simon: Well, sometimes they need to be restrained. Oh yeah, that was Jim. Not any children.
Jim: Shove it, Simon.
Simon: Into what? I'm not dating right now.
Blair: Mrs. Palm and her five daughters always used to work for me.
Conner: Could we stay on track guys?
Rafe: I would never restrain a child like that and feel good about it.
Brown: I love kids.
Simon: I'm tired, can we go home now?
Blair: No wonder you're not dating.
Simon: Shut up, Sandburg. I'm tired from working all day long.
Jim: I'm tired too, but I still find time for my life.
Simon: Oh please don't tell us about it. Conner, get us the fuck away from this one.


Conner: You believe that " shallow gene pool" is sufficient grounds for arrest.

Jim: Hell yes.
Blair: Agreed.
Simon: Agreed.
Brown: I think I agree.
Rafe: Same here.
Joel: Agreed.
Conner: Oh my god, this is a first. Let's have a big round of applause for the guys of Major Crime.
Simon: If you want us to continue doing this, you best shut up, Conner.



Conner: You believe the government should require extensive testing and permits prior to reproduction.

Blair: Man, Jim and I have discussed this in great detail.
Jim: I couldn't agree more.
Rafe: Same here.
Brown: Another one we agree on.
Joel: I don't like how anyone is allowed to have children.
Simon: Yes, I agree too.
Conner: Oh my god. Another winner. Woo Hoo. We're on a roll, guys. On to the next one.



Conner: You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet around here."

Simon: That does happen. Hasn't it happened to anyone besides me?
Joel: It's happened to me on many occasions.
Jim: Same here.
Rafe: You're superstitious.
Brown: No, really it happens.
Blair: It does not. If it's going to be a bad night, it's going to be whether you say that or not. How many times has it happened and you didn't say this?
Jim: Well there is that.
Blair: Told ya.
Simon: I still believe you're asking for it by saying it.
Rafe: Simon, you're turning into a wuss puss.
Simon: Rafe, don't whine next week when you're pulling double duty.
Rafe: Oh great...


Conner: Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can possibly track.

Jim: I like my food that way.
Blair: You would, Mr. Twinkie Man.
Rafe: Twinkie Man. How cute. Is that because something of his reminds you of a twinkie?
Blair: I've been known to put twinkie cream on me, and let Jim eat if off.
Simon: Gross.
Blair: Rafe started it.
Jim: Chief, they don't need to know that shit.
Brown: Damn, you really do this?
Blair: Way to go Jim.
Jim: What? You said it not me.
Blair: But they thought I was kidding.
Joel: You use twinkie cream? I'd be interested in this.
Conner: So would I.
Simon: Oh god, it's like a cult.
Rafe: They're sick and the sickness is spreading.
Simon: Next week you could have it Rafe.
Rafe: Holy shit.
Conner: So do you think you eat crap because of the long stakeouts and so on?
Jim: Yes.
Blair: Yes.
Simon: Yes.
Rafe: Yes.
Joel: Oh I think so.
Brown: I agree.
Conner: My god another winner. Ding, ding, ding.




Conner: You believe chocolate is a food group.

Jim: It's not?
Blair: I bought you some new chocolate syrup.
Jim: goody.
Simon: Couldn't you discuss this stuff when you're alone.
Jim: It just so happens that I needed Chocolate syrup for a recipe for a better than sex cake I was going to make for poker night.
Simon: Oh, in that case, carry on.
Jim: Make it yourself.
Blair: good one, big boy.
Joel: I love chocolate and I think it should be considered a food group.
Conner: I'm going to help break you of that habit.
Blair: Conner, I'll help you.
Jim: We don't need anyone knowing about my chocolate cravings.
Simon: Jesus get on with this one.
Brown: I love chocolate too.
Rafe: I don't. It makes you fat.
Jim: You just have to work out twice as long, dummy. Why give up something as wonderful as that because it's fattening?
Rafe: I'd rather stick with veggies.
Blair: Well, I like veggies too. But I love my dessert.
Simon: Please move on.


Conner: You have contemplated holding a seminar titled "SUICIDE - Getting it Right the First Time."

Simon: Seriously, I think we should have this one.
Jim: I agree.
Blair: Jim, that's a terrible thing to say.
Jim: Chief, if they want to really go, they need to do it right. Look how much money it cost tax payers.
Blair: You're such kind officers.
Rafe: I agree with them.
Blair: You would.
Rafe: Only a wuss wouldn't.
Blair: Then why did Jim agree?
Jim: Fuck you Sandburg.
Blair: Later big boy.
Brown: I don't agree and I don't care if it makes me a wuss.
Blair: We can be wusses together, Brown.
Brown: Then again, you know, it might make for an interesting course.
Joel: I don't agree either and I'll be a wuss with Blair.
Blair: Thanks, Joel.
Conner: Well, you have to admit, it get tiring of helping these folks over and over again.
Joel: Maybe we're not helping them right.
Simon: Lets move on before I start giving a lecture.



Conner: You believe that "Too stupid to live" is a valid verdict.

Simon: Boy do I agree with this one.
Blair: Now this one I have to agree with too.
Simon: Wait a minute, this doesn't sound like our Sandburg.
Blair: I'm getting mean and cruel like the rest of you. What can I say?
Rafe: I agree with this one, also.
Brown: I've often wanted to use this line.
Joel: I have to, Henry.
Jim: I have used this line a few times to scare them. It works.
Simon: I didn't hear that.
Joel: Ellison, you're too much.
Blair: No, he's just enough.
Simon: Oh god, please move it before they get started.



Conner: You have to put the phone down before you begin laughing uncontrollably.

Rafe: Now I seem to remember that we got a call one night from Sandburg and Ellison's neighbors. We had to set the phone down while we laughed.
Brown: God, I almost forgot about that.
Conner: That was a hoot, wasn't it?
Joel: What are you talking about?
Rafe: We like to call it the Screamer stories.
Simon: We like to tell these at parties.
Jim: Nice to know that our lives give you such pleasure.
Simon: Hell yes, and no doubt from the phone call, you get much pleasure too.
Brown: Good, one, Simon.
Rafe: We'll tell you later on, Joel.
Joel: Goody.
Conner: You're going to love it.
Blair: This is past embarrassing.
Jim: I told you we should move to another city, but noooooooooo you said we'd be fine here.



Conner: You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

Jim: I want this to be sooooo true.
Blair: Tell me about it, I have to have my coffee intake day and night.
Simon: I have to agree on this one.
Joel: Same here.
Brown: I like the idea also.
Rafe: Agreement all around.
Conner: Will wonders never cease?



Conner: Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.

Jim: This sounds about right to me.
Blair: This is right.
Simon: How true.
Rafe: Agree.
Joel: I couldn't agree more.
Brown: Yup, I have to say this is a no brainer.
Conner: Guys, things are looking up.
Simon: We get to go home?
Conner: No. We're almost done though.
Simon: So get busy.



Conner: When you mention "vegetables," you are not referring to the food group.

Jim: I call a lot of our perp's vegetables.
Blair: He does. I don't.
Simon: You should. I do too.
Joel: I often call them this.
Brown: I've never said this.
Rafe: Oh Henry, you're so sweet and naïve.
Blair: Don't pick on him cuz he's not as shitty as you.
Brown: Thanks, Blair, but I don't need you sticking up for you.
Blair: Actually I just wanted to say something to Rafe. This gave me a reason.
Brown: In that case, carry on.
Rafe: Fuck both of ya.
Blair: Wow, he's thinking he's got a lot of stamina.
Rafe: Ewwww.
Simon: Could we move on?


Conner: It occurs to you one night that you really have entered, "The Twilight Zone."

Simon: This occurs to me each and every day I have to bear witness to Ellison and Sandburg.
Jim: You're just jealous.
Blair: Yeah, what he said.
Jim: Good come back, Blair.
Blair: I'm saving all my energy and thought for us later.
Jim: Oh goody.
Simon: See this is what I meant.
Joel: I for one love that zone.
Jim: Thanks, Joel.
Blair: Yeah, we love the Megan and Joel zone too.
Brown: I think this about perp's but I rarely think it about Ellison and Sandburg.
Rafe: I think it every time I look at them.
Jim: Perp's or us?
Rafe: Both.
Simon: Okay, time to move on.



Conner: You are told to deliver a packaged human body part and you find yourself talking to it in the car on the way to the lab.

Simon: I just want to know right off, if this has ever happened to anyone. Because if it has, we need to get you some help.
Blair: Never happened to me.
Jim: Me either.
Rafe: I've never had to deliver anything, so I wouldn't know.
Blair: Well what do you think the chances of it happening are?
Rafe: None.
Blair: Now was that so hard?
Rafe: I'll show you hard.
Simon: Sit back down Jim. Rafe shut your fucking mouth.
Rafe: I meant my fist.
Blair: Jim, you're my man. God I love when you're possessive.
Joel: I've never talked to a body part that was in the car with us. Ewwww.



Conner: You are the only person introduced by profession at a social gathering.

Simon: This is so true.
Jim: You can say that again.
Simon: This is so true.
Jim: Very funny, Simon.
Blair: I agree with this one, also.
Joel: Me too
Rafe: Me too
Brown: Wow, total agreement again. Conner, I think that makes like three of them now.
Conner: I know, it's like an all time record high.
Simon: Are we done?
Conner: Yup, we're done. Night all.
Joel: Night everyone.
Jim: Night, guys and Conner.
Rafe: See ya on Friday night for poker.
Brown: Night guys.
Simon: Finally, I'm exhausted.
Jim: Night John boy.
Blair: Night Mom.
Jim: Jim Bob.
Blair: Night Grampa.
Jim: Night Billy Bob.
Simon: That wasn't one of them.
Blair: Shit, he did used to watch it. Jim said he'd make you say that and I told him you weren't the type to watch that show.
Simon: Go home and leave this poor old tired man alone.


The End.