TITLE: Worried

Author: Angela

Pairing: Jim/Blair

Rating: G

Status: Complete

Archive: if you want to

Spoilers: none

Author’s Notes: This weekend (end of March or early April I can’t remember which) in my hometown of Shawnee, Oklahoma they are having a town garage sell for a police officer shot in the line of duty. This officer is to have a controversial surgery to help him walk again. This got me to thinking about how Blair would handle Jim being a police officer. This is Blair’s POV. If you would like to know more about the officer please send me a private email. Feedback is welcome. I wrote this with Blair having his doctorate instead of being a cop.

Author’s note 2: I took most of this story from a friend’s point of view. She is a police officer’s wife and has told me before what it is like to worry about her husband. I wanted to see how Blair would feel about Jim going out there everyday to protect and serve. I hope you like this.

Worried
By Angela

I sit here grading my students’ papers and worrying. Worrying about my lover. Jim loves his job as a cop. He would give his life for any innocent victim. I look up from time to time at the door wondering when he will come through the door. Tonight like many other nights he has had to work the night shift. I think I worry more during those hours. I always worry he will be shot and killed. I think every spouse of a police officer has that worry. We are supposed to stay strong for them. They see so much out there that we don’t. I digress a little. Or maybe not. I remember back four years ago when an Oklahoma police officer was shot in the line of duty. All I could do was cling to Jim when he came home that night. I didn’t want him to leave the next day. I didn’t want what happened to the Oklahoma officer to happen to him. He assured me he would be careful. That didn’t make me feel better. It just made me worry even more. That’s what I do best. Worry.

It’s even harder when you have a family. A year after Jim and I got together we bought a house thinking we would fill it with lots of kids. We both wanted children. We put our names on an adoption list and filled out the paperwork knowing that Jim’s job could be our stumbling block. It wasn’t. We got a little blonde two-year-old boy. A year later twins both barely six months old. I laugh today thinking about how we were with them. But we learned and had help from friends and family. Now that we have children I worry about Jim being around to see them grow up. He tells me he will be around. I think he does that so I won’t worry. But all I want to do sometimes when he says that is scream, "How would you know." I sit here another night after the children are in bed and worry. I have lost some sleep over it. "Sleep, what’s that," I wonder. Jim got the kids and me a scanner to listen to. We listen for their Dad’s voice. When we hear it I think we all breathe sighs of relief that he is ok and coming back to us one more night. Raddison has come padding in. Our oldest shares my worries. He is so young to worry about his Dad. He does though. He may not show it sometimes, but the quick hugs out of nowhere and the clinging tells it all. Raddy, as we call him, goes to sleep in my arms. I put him back to bed and watch him sleep. All three are precious. Jim never brings his world around them. I am grateful. I was once part of that world and still am partly. I smile when I think of our friends. In the years since I got my doctorate our friends have made families of their own. I have started support groups for spouses and children. I think it helps but we all still worry. I don’t want to worry but Jim’s job just brings that out.

The scanner is quiet tonight. Very few calls have come through. "A good sign," I wonder. It must be a slow night. My Jim will come home in one piece tonight. But what about those other nights. I have to trust that he will have appropriate back up and everyone will be going home again. And the worrying starts all over again. I have been told it’s healthy to worry. I wonder if that’s true. I think that if I didn’t worry there would be something wrong. I hear Jim’s key in the door. I put aside my worries about him to greet him at the door. His face lights up at seeing me. I look over him to make sure that there are no bullet holes. I find none. I fly into his arms and cling. His face goes into my hair. I can feel his smile. I feel safe in his arms and my worries seem to go away on this moment. But I know that they will be back tomorrow when I
send Jim out to do his job of protecting and serving this great city.

*

As I lay here watching him sleep I know that the next day will be the same. Jim will reassure the children and me but I will worry. I pray each night that he will come back each time I send him out. He does and I love him more each day. Jim Ellison, my hero and this city’s hero. I am his saving grace as well as our children. I worry but it is a good worry.

END