Title: Conner's List

Why It's Great To Be A Woman

Author/pseudonym: Patt

Email address: PattRose1@aol.com

Rating: R

Pairings: Bullpen survey, humor.

Status: Complete

Date: 03-28-01

Archive: Yes

Series/Sequel: Conner's Survey Series

Category: Bullpen Humor

Author's website:

Disclaimer: Borrowed, I'll return them when I'm done.

Notes: Another survery that the guys need to help Conner out with.

Summary: Why it's great to be a woman. What does it mean to the guys, or Major Crime?

Warnings: m/m Silliness abounds.



Conner's List: Why It's Great To Be A Woman
by Patt
***

Conner: We got off the Titanic first.

Jim: Yeah, what's up with equal rights? Where were the men's equal rights?
Simon: I couldn't agree with you more, Ellison.
Blair: Well, now wait a minute fella's. Back then they always let the woman and children go first. Now a days, it would be a different story. I think they'd have everyone go down together. Hee Hee.
Simon: Very funny, Sandburg.
Rafe: Well, I think that Sandburg is right, Simon.
Brown: Man, why are you always kissing his ass?
Rafe: Kissing whose ass? * Jesus, Ellison is going to kick my ass. *
Brown: I was kidding, Rafe. Don't panic.
Jim: Let's stick with the comments about what Conner is saying.
Joel: I think that women and children should go first.
Conner: That would be good to limit the comments. We're getting way off base. So, how do you all feel about who would go first in an emergency?
Jim: Well I think that we should make you go last, Conner.
Blair: Jim, that wasn't nice. She could go the same time as us.
Simon: I think it shouldn't matter unless you're in a wheelchair, or pulling oxygen.
Rafe: Hell if you are pulling around oxygen, you might not want to make it anyhow, I'd choose to stay.
Brown: Only you would think that, Brian.
Conner: So, do you feel as if women would be given the first choice at leaving or not?
Simon: Yup.
Jim: You betcha. Or we'd never hear the end of it.
Rafe: I want to sleep with someone again, so yes.
Brown: How did that come around to sleeping with someone?
Rafe: Well, if I made Conner wait until last, she'd tell someone else and word would get around. Next thing I'd know, I'd be celibate.
Blair: You know I think everyone should draw straws, but I would want my Mom to go before me.
Brown: Yeah, women would go first. It's a rule. My Mom's a woman. I'd want her to go first.
Conner: So you wouldn't want to let me go first, huh?
Joel: I would let you go first, Conner.
Conner: Thanks, Joel. You're always such a gentleman.
Jim: Is she Blair or Henry's Mom? Then I don't think so. And Conner, Joel is sucking up.
Simon: Conner, that's enough of this one. I'm bored. Give us the next one.

Conner: We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Simon: Are you saying that these excuses aren't always true?
Jim: Simon, please tell me you don't believe them all.
Blair: Why should you question anything? I mean, why would they lie about that?
Jim: He's so naive.
Brown: I don't even want to discuss this one.
Joel: Me either.
Rafe: Conner, you telling us that you lie about this stuff?
Conner: No, I never lie about this stuff. If I say I'm PMSing, I am.

Conner: Taxis stop for us.

Blair: Hey, I've had taxi's stop for me.
Jim: That's because with all of that hair, they think you're a woman.
Brown: So you're saying that if you're a woman, the damn cab drivers stop? Fuck... That's bullshit.
Rafe: Where have you been, Henry?
Brown: Standing in the rain, waiting for fucking cabs, I guess.
Joel: I've waited and watched cabs pick up women first.
Simon: Well I hate to burst your bubble, but I was waiting for a cab yesterday, and I got picked up right off.
Jim: Was it that Rodriguez guy? The one that works around the station all the time?v Simon: Yeah, how did you know that?
Blair: Because he likes you, Simon.
Simon: What do you mean; he likes me? I mean, the guy is nice, he's always nice to everyone.
Jim: Okay, so Sandburg isn't the only naive one.
Simon: What?
Conner: Simon, he has a thing for you.
Simon: A thing? What kind of thing?
Jim: Simon, are you trying to be this dense on purpose?
Simon: Do I need to remind you of who makes out the schedule, Ellison? Now, what kind of thing?
Conner: He has a crush on you, sir.
Brown: Holy fucking shit… Hey Jim, did you and Blair tell him he had a chance with our captain?
Jim: Fuck you, Brown.
Rafe: You only wish.
Simon: Are we done yet?
Conner: No, this is only the third one, Simon.
Simon: Shit.....

Conner: We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

Brown: I look damn fine dancing. I have smooth moves.
v Rafe: So do I? What, Ellison, why are you laughing at me?
Jim: You are so uptight while dancing you give a whole new meaning to rigid.
Blair: Jim and I dance all the time, and we don't look like frog's in a blender.
Simon: I am a smooth dancer too.
Joel: Well, I'm taking lessons, so I'll feel more comfortable when on dates.
Conner: Wow, no arguing on this one. We all agree that you guys look like frogs?
Jim: No, we never said that.
Blair: Not even on a bad day, Conner.
Rafe: Even I don't look like a frog in a blender.
Simon: Conner, keep laughing and we won't answer any more of these stupid survey's you have for your classes.
Conner: Fine, Simon. I'll move on to the next one.

Conner: No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

Joel: I wouldn't have worn one of those, even if I looked good in it. Geeze talk about advertising.
Simon: Hell, I think that there are many women's items that are as bad if not worse.v Jim: I agree with Joel, it shows too much.
Blair: Hey speak for yourself, hot stuff. I happen to love when you wear yours.
Jim: Shut up, Sandburg.
Conner: Oh god, this is too funny. Jim, please tell me you don't own a speedo.
Jim: I don't own a speedo.
Conner: Blair does he?
Blair: I refuse to answer; I plead the fifth.
Simon: Jim, I for one think that if you want to wear one in the privacy of your home, then that's your business.
Jim: Simon, I can hear you laughing. Did you forget who has the best ears? I don't own one.
Blair: I was kidding, he doesn't own one, but he makes me wear one every Friday.
Joel: Man, you guys are teasing the straight guys, aren't you?
Conner: Damn, I was hoping for something good.
Simon: Let's move on, Conner.

Conner: We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

Jim: Okay, this is so unfair. I've never done this to amuse myself. It might amuse someone else, but it never amuses me.
Blair: It doesn't amuse me either, Jim.
Jim: Fuck you, Sandburg.
Blair: Promises, promises.
Joel: I agree with Jim on this one. I don't find it funny, but it is a bodily function. Sometimes you just can't help it.
Simon: I agree with them. I too find it non-amusing and normal at the same time.
Brown: Well, I've been in a room when someone does and we all laugh. Why is that?
Rafe: I think you're all nuts. I'd sooner die.
Jim: And you guys think we're the fags?
Blair: Hey, who you calling a fag?
Brown: Oh man, now I'm thinking of a whole new way of the passing gas stuff. Geeze, thanks a lot Jim and Rafe.
Rafe: Don't blame me. I didn't do anything.
Jim: I don't get it.
Blair: I'll explain to you later, hot stuff.
Conner: This is amusing to listen to, but time to move on.
Simon: Thank god, I was afraid someone would explain it to Ellison.

Conner: If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

Joel: That must be so nice.
Jim: Yeah, must be.
Blair: Hell sometimes I have to shave twice a day.
Rafe: Why would you shave twice a day?
Blair: Because I give Jim beard burn when we're together. If you know what I mean.
Jim: Sandburg, shut the fuck up.
Blair: What?
Simon: We could have went all night long without knowing that.
Joel: Where do you give him beard burn?
Rafe: I don't want to know.
Brown: I do.
Jim: Well, he's not fucking telling anyone anything more about beard burn.
Conner: I just have to say that women have to shave too. I don't care what you men say. If you slept with me and I had hairy armpits, what would you think?
Brown: That I turned gay and was sleeping with Sandburg.
Jim: Fuck you, Brown.
Brown: You keep saying that.
Conner: Seriously, what would you think of that?
Joel: I've been with women that don't shave and it doesn't bother me.
Blair: No shit, Joel?
Jim: Why do you care about him sleeping with women?
Blair: Oh don't go all cave man on me.
Jim: I'll show you fucking cave man.
Conner: Do you mind? We're getting way off topic here.
Simon: And this would be new?

Conner: We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.

Simon: Wait a minute, that's what Jim and Blair like. Not us.
Jim: Fuck you, Simon.
Simon: Not even on your best day. bucko.
Blair: When did this turn into the lets make fun of the gay guys?
Brown: It has nothing to do with being gay, I slap Rafe all the time when we're watching a game.
Rafe: But I think we're going to stop now.
Jim: Do you see the football players minding?
Conner: Mind if you're gay? I would think they have better things to think about Jim.
Jim: Fuck you, Conner.
Blair: Hey, hey, hey. What you talking about Ellison?
Simon: Lets get this back on track. I don't mind that the teams slap each other on the ass. But I do have to say it makes me a little uncomfortable when Jim and Blair do it.
Joel: Why is that, Simon?
Simon: Because they're gay. They like that slapping the ass stuff.
Blair: Excuse me, Simon, but, fuck you very much.
Jim: Couldn't have said it better, Sandburg.
Conner: Why does this always come back to Blair and Jim being gay? Do you all have a problem with gays? Maybe we need to open up a little more.
Joel: No, I have no problems with Jim and Blair being together. And I certainly don't think you have to be gay to slap another person on the ass.
Simon: Sorry guys.
Blair: You're forgiven Simon.
Jim: Not from me, he's not.
Brown: Well, actually there are some things that bother me. Like when you touch us, do you feel an attraction to us?
Jim: Brown, you must be joking, right? God,you guys are fucking killing me here. Sandburg, stop laughing over there.
Rafe: I think they don't have feelings for us, Brown.
Conner: I think I might make a new survey about how we all feel about having gays working with us.
Jim: No thanks.
Blair: That would be cool, Conner do it.
Jim: Thanks, Sandburg.

Conner: We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

Brown: Oh man, this is 'so' not true. Where do they come up with this shit?
Joel: Well, ours is on the outside, it does need to be situated sometimes.
Simon: I agree with Joel.
Jim: I agree with Joel and Simon.
Blair: I think you all just like to touch it now and then.
Simon: Shut up, Sandburg.
Rafe: I don't agree at all. I think Brown is right, where do they come up with this?
Conner: Okay, as the only woman here, I need to tell you, you all touch yourselves. If you want to know how often or why I'll tell you when we're done with this survey.
Simon: If you don't shut up soon, you won't have anyone answering these stupid questions.
Conner: Fine, but I'm here if anyone really wants the truth.
Blair: Conner, I do it too?
Conner: Oh yeah, you do it a lot.
Blair: Fuck....
Conner: Jim likes when you do it.
Jim: Conner shut the fuck up.
Conner: Well you do.
Simon: On to the next one or this is over with.

Conner: We have the ability to dress ourselves.

Rafe: Man, this is so not true. I dress very well, thank you.
Joel: That's true, Rafe does dress nice.
Simon: Rafe does look better than most of us.
Brown: Hey partner, do you have to ask for anyone's oppion when you're dressing? v Rafe: Never. I do it alone.
Jim: I've heard that rumor.
Rafe: Oh fuck you Ellison.
Jim: You wish.
Rafe: You're just jealous about how great I dress.
Blair: Hey I dress myself and I think I look good.
Simon: Blair, you're one of the worst dressing gay men I've ever met.
Blair: You're kidding, right?
Simon: Nope.
Jim: I think he looks good.
Simon: You have to say that, Ellison.
Conner: Well, actually all of you men can and have looked nice from time to time. So, it's not always true.
Blair: Thanks Conner.
Conner: Well, today isn't one of those days.
Jim: Good one, Conner.
Conner: Jim, I was talking about all of you. Except for Rafe.
Rafe: Thanks, Conner.
Simon: Could we move on?

Conner: We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

Brown: Why the hell would I have to picture them naked? I would have to walk around aroused all night long.
Joel: I agree with Henry.
Blair: I talk to everyone.
Jim: He does.
Simon: I don't ever picture anyone naked, makes it hard to work with people after that.
Rafe: I've done it a couple of times, when I met someone really gorgeous.
Conner: I think you're missing the whole point. Henry, if someone not that good looking walked up to you and began talking to you, would you feel comfortable talking to her?
Brown: Why are you singling me out here? Of course I would talk to her.
Conner: Would you ask her out?
Brown: Hey, that's not the question.
Conner: You wouldn't would you? Guys are so into the look.
Simon: Let me ask you Conner. How would you feel if this geeky looking guy came up and started talking to you?
Conner: I would be fine, because I've dated a few geeks in my time and they're hot.
Jim: Well, someone told me once that Blair looked like a geek and I have to say, he's hot.
Simon: That is way too much information for us.
Blair: You think I'm hot?
Jim: Well duh.
Simon: Please move on to the next question.

Conner: If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

Joel: Now wait a minute, I don't think that's fair. What if I met someone nice that was 20 years younger. You think I shouldn't give it a whirl because of how it looks?
Conner: Joel, it's just a question. And no, I think that if you love someone, age should not matter.
Simon: I feel as if it's hard enough keeping up with someone my own age, I sure don't want to be 20 years older than her.
Rafe: Isn't Ellison 20 years older than Sandburg?
Jim: Fuck you, Rafe.
Rafe: Got you. I knew if I waited long enough, I'd find a good one to insult you with.
Brown: You are quite a bit older than Sandburg.
Jim: I'm 9 years older. Only nine.
Blair: Jim, actually it's only about 8 ½ years.
Jim: See? Not that bad at all.
Joel: I think you're perfect for each other.
Simon: Why are you sucking up to them today?
Jim: Simon, he's not sucking up.
Conner: Okay, guys. We're getting way off base again. Who really cares if Joel sucks up or not?
Joel: Well I do, missy.
Conner: Missy?
Joel: Well, you're pissing me off.
Rafe: Oh oh, Joel is pissed off.
Brown: Man, this might get scary.
Joel: Laugh it up, men, and you'll see what happens when I spread vicious rumors about you two.
Rafe: What kind of rumors?
Joel: You'll never hear it from me
. Simon: Okay, time to move on Conner. Quickly.

Conner: There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

Rafe: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Brown: I couldn't agree more. Like chocolate could make anything better.
Jim: I beg to differ. I think that chocolate makes everything seem more bearable.
Brown: Everyone raise their hand that is shocked that the gay guy said this.
Jim: Damn it, it has nothing to do with being gay.
Rafe: I'm sure it doesn't.
Joel: I agree with Jim and I'm not gay.
Brown: No, maybe not, but you're sucking up big time today.
Joel: Okay, that does it. Those rumors will begin tonight.
Blair: I think chocolate helps certain people. I know it helps Conner and Jim. v Simon: Jim, don't you love being thrown in with Conner?
Jim: Sir, with all due respect, go fuck yourself.
Conner: He probably will.
Simon: Conner that was uncalled for.
Conner: Like it's called for to make fun of the gay guys.
Blair: I don't care if they make fun. It's all done in jest, right guys?
Rafe: Yeah, jest.
Brown: Yeah, fun.
Simon: Yeah, gay.
Jim: Again, Simon, go fuck yourself.
Simon: I wish I could, Jim. I wish I could. I could eliminate the middle person.
Blair: OH god, that is too funny, Simon.
Conner: I swear you guys are just filthy minded goons. I don't know why I keep having you do these survey's. The classes I take roar at your answers as it is.
Jim: You do change the names, right?
Blair: Yeah, Conner you do, right?
Conner: Ummmm… I'll start tonight.
Simon: Conner tell me you're joking.
Conner: I'm joking, sir.
Simon: Please tell me honestly.
Conner: Honestly, sir.
Simon: Thank god.
Conner: Thanks guys. I'll lete you know when the next one is due. I've learned a great deal from these things.
Blair: You're welcome, Conner.
Conner: Sandy, you're always so kind.
Rafe: Jesus now she's kissing up.
Conner: Fuck you, Rafe.
Rafe: Bring it on.
Simon: Does no one have any work to do around here? Yes? Well then get to it.

end