What Love Is (Jim's POV)

Author/pseudonym: lsorrell/Cherokeegirl

Email address: www.lsorrell@bellsouth.net or cherokeegirl13@hotmail.com

Rating: R for m/m content.

Pairings: Jim/Blair

Fandom: The Sentinel

Status: Complete

Date: May 12, '99 (date first written)

Archive: Yes, if you wish, just tell me where.

Archive author: Yes

Archive email address: Yes

Series/Sequel: Yes

Category: Romance

Author's website: Not yet still trying to get one up. Hope to me up soon with more poems and stories.

Summary: Jim thinks of his love for Blair

Disclaimer: Not mine, I just borrowed them. They belong to Petfly and Paramount. So, I'm not getting any money. Just enjoying them!

What Love Is/ Jim's POV
by Cherokee Girl

I had walls around me that were carved in granite; they were shaped in my childhood, by my Mother's abandoning me when I was so young. She said she loved me then turned and walked away. They were fortified by my Father's cold indifference; he never told me he loved me at all. He said that real men never revealed their feelings.

I went through life taking only one day at time. Never looking ahead, afraid that I would see only emptiness stretched out before me never allowing anyone inside my walls. I was afraid of that pain. When I became a man, I was determined to live my life alone, without love. "After all," I reasoned, "if that's what love is, who needs that kind of pain?"

I joined the military and rose through the ranks quickly. It was there I got the reputation of being one tough SOB. When I was discharged after I came back from Peru I joined the police force,
where my reputation followed me. I was expected to be strong, tough, unfeeling. Traits I excelled at, after all they were lessons I learned at my father's knee.

I finally let down my guard, just little, when I married Caroline. She was the first person in a long time to even glimpse my heart. I was still afraid, but I wanted so much to believe her when she said she loved me. But, it seemed that as soon as we were married she tried to change me, to turn me into the man she thought I should be. Eventually, she left, as I somehow knew she would, thinking me cold and uncaring, never truly seeing the man I was, never understanding it was only fear that caused me to keep my distance.

But then, you bounced into my life, with your long hair and strange ideas. My neo-hippie-witch-doctor-punk. I didn't want to let you in. But, before I knew it, your ready smile, love and kindness had chipped away the cold granite around my heart.

I said, I would never tell you. I said I would never risk opening myself up to that pain again. I almost lost you so many times, yet I kept my silence. But this time, you came so close to death, in fact you did die, because of Alex Barnes and my own stupidity. It was then I vowed that if God, fate or whoever was in charge of such things would give me a second chance, I would tell you how I felt, to open myself up to you, to risk the pain, if only I could have you back. It was then that your heart started to beat again and I knew I was being given the second chance that I had prayed for.

I rode with you in the ambulance, as the paramedics worked with you checking your vital signs, making sure you were stable. As I paced the floor in the emergency waiting room while the doctor's checked you over and the nurses settled you into your room, I thought of all the other times I had been here, how close I came then to losing you. And I thought, "No, it's better to keep my distance. It is better to stay away, to put the walls back up. I could lose him if I tell him, he could turn and walk away." But then, I remembered my vow. And this was one bargain I intended to keep.

Finally I am allowed to see you. As I look at you lying there so small and pale, I feel as though someone is squeezing my heart. You open your eyes and look at me and make a joke about what happened. You tell me to come on in the water is fine. I tell you I am not ready to take that trip. And I think: I never want to take this trip again.

So, I lean over to gently kiss you and whisper that I'm in love with you. I tell you how frightened I was when I thought I had lost you, and how I promised that if I was given another the chance, I would tell you how I felt. When you smiled at me and said, "I love you too Jim, I always have," all my walls came crashing down.

I brought you home from the hospital today. To our home, our bed and our life together. We made love for the first time tonight. As I slowly entered you, and you cried out my name in passion as you spilt your seed between us, I felt as though my heart would burst with joy. Now I am lying here in bed holding you after our lovemaking, and the future is calling to me. I look to it in wonder and anticipation. It is a future that I could not possibly have seen before I met you. It is a future full of joy, promise and love beyond my imagining.

And, I also look to the future in fear, wondering how I would survive if I ever lost your love. Somehow, you read my thoughts. You stir and whisper to me that you will always love me and you will never leave.

I pull you closer, and breathe a silent prayer of thanks. For, because of you,

I truly know what love is.

END