Title: Conner's Quiz 1

Ways To Fail In Bed.

Author/pseudonym: Patt

Rating: R

Pairings: Bullpen survey, humor.

Status: Complete

Date: 04-06-01

Archive: Yes

Series/Sequel: Conner's Quiz Series

Category: Bullpen Humor

Disclaimer: Borrowed, I'll return them when I'm done.

Notes: Blame Mary, she's offline for the time being and I'm insane without her. Boo Hoo. Thanks to SusanDanette for giving me ideas. Blame her too. She keeps incouraging me. What could I do? I have no self-control. Sob, sob, sob. That's me crying, not saying son-of-a-bitch.

Summary: Ways to fail in bed! Another Survey that the guys need to help Conner with.

For Sue. She asked, I wrote.

Warnings: m/m Bad language Silliness abounds. My Beta is away right now, so you'll have to make due. I miss you, Mary. :(

By Patt

Conner: Okay, who feels like this is failing their partner in bed? Have you done it or not?

NOT KISSING FIRST.

Joel: I would never sleep with someone that I hadn't kissed first. Yes, you would totally be failing them in bed.

Simon: Joel, don't you think that sometimes it depends on the woman?

Joel: Simon, what woman wouldn't want to be kissed in a relationship? Jesus, you fuck her and leave, it's like she's a whore.

Simon: Why don't you tell us how you really feel, Joel?

Joel: Well we all know by Simon's avoidance that he doesn't kiss a lot. We don't have to worry about him kissing and telling.

Simon: Shut up, Joel.

Jim: I agree with Joel.

Simon: You would. You've become such a pussy since you started sleeping with Sandburg. No offense Sandburg, but he's mush.

Blair: Hey, that's not true. He's still very tough. And he's always firm.

Rafe: God, we're only one the first question and Hairboy is already teasing us with the gay jokes.

Blair: So Rafe, you going to answer this or not?

Rafe: No, I don't always kiss. However, it's up to the woman. I let them make that first move.

Brown: Me too.

Blair: Shit, I've never slept with a woman that didn't want to kiss.

Jim: Why not tell everyone all about it, Sandburg.

Blair: Shut up, or I will, big man.

Simon: Conner please keep these questions moving faster tonight.

Conner: Well excuse me, but I don't feel like you've answered well enough. Okay, Rafe, you think that it's up to the woman?

Rafe: Yes, totally. If she wants to kiss, then I'll fucking kiss her. Get it? Fuck and Kiss her.

Conner: Oh you're so damn witty. Now we all know why you don't date that much. Simon, you don't think that you should have to kiss a woman you're dating?

Simon: No, not if I don't want to. I believe that kissing is a very serious thing, and I won't do it with just anyone.

Conner: But you'll fuck her, right?

Simon: Well, what does that have to do with kissing?

Conner: Please someone help me out here. Tell me this isn't a male thing and that you all think this.

Blair: No, Conner, I don't think that.

Jim: No, I don't think it either.

Joel: And I couldn't agree with them more.

Brown: Well now that you put it that way, I might want to start the kissing a little sooner than I have in the past. I never put that much thought into it.

Rafe: You guys have been hanging with Ellison for too long, you're fucking pussies.

Conner: Fuck you, Rafe. You're a dick.

Rafe: Well duh.

Simon: Is this still the first fucking question, Conner? Because I have to tell you, I have a date. No I'm not going to fucking kiss her.
***

Conner: NOT SHAVING. How many of you have done this and had your partner tell you she/he didn't appreciate it?

Joel: I always shave before a date.

Simon: So do I.

Rafe: It depends on my mood.

Brown: My mom would kick my ass if she found out I didn't shave and look good before a date.

Blair: I always shave before a date. Now I'm with Jim, so I don't have to anymore. What? I was kidding, hot stuff.

Jim: I try to shave every time we have plans.

Rafe: Ewwwwww

Jim: What do you mean by that? I said I just try to shave.

Rafe: We know what you mean by that. Geeze.

Brown: I didn't get that from his answer, Rafe. Give him a break.

Jim: Thanks, Brown.

Blair: Jim, you do shave before we have sex, why are you acting all offended?

Jim: Shut up, Sandburg.

Blair: Stop telling me to shut up, or I'll tell them how we sometimes shave each other.

Rafe: Ewwwwww

Simon: Could we please get this moving along?
***

Conner: How many of you feel that SQUEEZING HER BREAST is acceptable behavior?

Simon: This isn't?

Rafe: Yeah, what's wrong with this one?

Simon: Oh god, I'm agreeing with the slut.

Rafe: Excuse me?

Jim: I can't believe you both get as many dates as you do. Women hate that.

Blair: Women don't like to be squeezed, they liked to be rubbed and stroked. Just like we do.

Jim: Are you an authority on this, Sandburg?

Blair: Well, I used to be, Jim.

Jim: Is that a Bi guy joke?

Joel: I agree with Blair. Not acceptable, stroking, rubbing and caressing would be much better.

Brown: I gotta go with Joel and Blair on this one.

Simon: Rafe, they are wusses.

Rafe: Conner, tell us what you think of this.

Conner: I hate it. I feel like you're going to try driving off a dashboard or something sometimes. We like to be caressed and adored.

Rafe: Conner, you're going to be dateless for a long time.

Jim: Conner, he's full of shit.

Blair: Yeah, Conner, Jim will date you.

Jim: Fuck you, Sandburg.

Blair: Just another bi guy joke.
****

Conner: Sucking and biting on her nipples? A good practice or bad?

Jim: I find this one stupid. I've never bitten a woman's nipple in my life.

Blair: Now wait a minute, so why do you bite mine? What?

Simon: Could we please keep your little remarks to just the questions? Do we have to listen to the gay and bi jokes?

Jim: Why yes, you do.

Joel: Jim, I've never done this either. And Blair, maybe he feels like you want that done to you. Does it bother you?

Blair: Excuse me, why are we discussing my nipples?

Simon: You brought it up, smart man.

Joel: What do you think about that, Blair?

Blair: I love when he bites me.

Jim: I know you do.

Rafe: God, do we have to listen to this shit?

Brown: Actually I'm getting more used to it now. It almost seems sweet.

Rafe: Simon, I think it's catching. The next thing you know, he and Joel are going to say they swing that way.

Jim: Fuck you, Rafe.

Rafe: You wish, Ellison.

Jim: Dream on, Mr. Straight.

Simon: Okay, are we almost done, Conner?
***

Conner: Only kissing, and ignoring most other parts of the woman's body. Ever been there, done that?

Jim: Well, since I haven't been with a woman for a while, I'll just say, I used to make them happy. I tried not to ignore anything.

Blair: Jim, why do you have to talk about the past? I'm going to use you as my example. I make Jim's entire body hum with excitement.

Simon: Oh for Christ's sake.

Joel: I think that's so sweet. I've always tried to please a woman, in the same ways I would want to be pleased.

Brown: Boy, you're right on the money, Joel. I totally agree. And Blair, I think it's great that you make Ellison feel that good.

Jim: Excuse me; I'm still in the room. Could we stop discussing me?

Blair: Are you saying I don't make your body hum?

Jim: I never said that.

Blair: What are you saying?

Jim: I'm saying that I don't want everyone else knowing that you make my body hum with excitement. Something I hadn't planned sharing with them.

Conner: Well I for one, think it's terrific.

Rafe: He's a wuss puss.

Brown: What in the hell is that?

Rafe: It means, he's a pussy and a sissy.

Jim: Would you like me to show you what kind of sissy I am, Rafe?

Rafe: Not in this lifetime, Jim. I like women.

Blair: Sit back down, Jim. Now.

Rafe: See, did you all see him sit right down when Blair told him to? You're a wuss puss, Ellison. Sad, but true.

Simon: I have to agree with Rafe on this, Ellison. You're pussy whipped.

Blair: Simon, if a woman offered you sex whenever you wanted it, cooked for you, loved you and understood your job, would you not want to be involved with her?

Simon: I'm not stupid, Sandburg, that's too good to pass up.

Blair: Then you're pussy whipped too.

Joel: I think that most men are. We let our other heads think too much for us.

Jim: No lie, Joel. No lie.

Blair: Well, we could change that, Ellison.

Jim: I don't want to change it. That's why I said it's no lie.

Simon: Conner, hurry and get us out of the Sandburg/Ellison zone.
***

Conner: have you ever taken off a condom, thrown it across the room, and missed the trash? After seeing that, just left it where it lay?

Jim: Yup, Blair does it all the time.

Rafe: Shit, what did I tell you? He's a wuss puss. He's a bottom boy.

Jim: I'm going to kick your ass, Rafe.

Blair: For your information, Rafe, we don't pull that top and bottom thing. We have no favorites, do we, boy?

Jim: Very funny, Chief.

Joel: I've never done this while with a woman.

Conner: Have you ever done it while with a man? Well, Joel you left that open.

Joel: No, I've never done it with anyone.

Brown: I've never done it either.

Rafe: I've done it a few times, but I figured it was better than having some woman pregnant or worse.

Jim: Man, you're quite the romantic aren't you, Rafe? I bet you're fighting them off with a stick.

Rafe: Fuck you Ellison.

Blair: No, he's fucked already thank you.

Simon: I've never done this, Conner and lets move right along.
****

Conner: Rubbing the Clitoris hard, can be a real turn off. Have you done this and what do you think about it?

Joel: I'm a gentle lover.

Simon: Jesus, I swear it's like being in a room with a bunch of women.

Conner: Excuse me, Simon. That was very insulting. You're saying because he likes to be gentle he's femmed?

Simon: Yes, that's what I'm saying.

Joel: Well, I want to make the woman come as many times as possible.

Conner: Joel, I'm giving you my number before we leave.

Rafe: See, I knew that she had a reason for these questions. Surveys for class my ass.

Brown: I'm always gentle with women in bed. My Mama told me about women when I was a teen. Told me what they like and don't. I listened.

Joel: Good for her, Henry.

Jim: Okay, since you mention a certain body part, I have to say, when I was with women, I never did this. I was always gentle.

Blair: Same here.

Conner: So Simon and Rafe answer the question.

Rafe: Actually, I've never had complaints, so I guess I'm doing it right.

Conner: But do you touch gently or do you push and rub hard, causing her to see stars for the wrong reason?

Rafe: They never complain, Conner. Okay?

Simon: I'm gentle I guess.

Blair: Oh way to go, Simon. Make fun of Joel and then you answer the same thing.

Simon: Conner is it time to move to the next one?
***

Conner: If you were going to sleep with a man, would it be different than with a woman? Not for the obvious reasons. I mean, would you be more gentle or rough?

Simon: Wait a minute. When did this go off track here? We're discussing women, I thought.

Conner: We're discussing sex.

Blair: Holy shit, we can get into this one, Jim.

Jim: Yes, we can. I feel like I can be rougher with Blair, because he's into the kinky hurt me sort of stuff.

Blair: Shut up, Ellison. He's kidding, Simon. Stop glaring at us.

Joel: I imagine that some women like things rough, but I've always been gentle.

Rafe: I don't even want to think about how a guy would like it.

Brown: Well, if this is a question I'll answer. I think that I'd be gentler with someone smaller than I was. However, not as gentle as with a woman. But wait, don't get all crazy Conner. I wouldn't be gentle with you; you're as tall as I am. And as tough.

Conner: Thank you, Brown.

Joel: I still don't think I could be rough with either sex.

Simon: Jesus Joel, now you're thinking about it?

Joel: Well she asked.

Rafe: Well geeze, how gentle would a person have to be to shove his dick up someone else's ass?

Jim: Man, that is so wrong, Rafe. You have a lot to learn.

Blair: Rafe, You have no idea, how gentle you have to be. It's not like something you want forced on you.

Simon: Okay, I think we've discussed this long enough.

Conner: Jim and Blair, could we talk later on? I have some things to ask you.

Jim: Sure.

Blair: About what?

Jim: We'll be glad to help, Conner.
***

Conner: So who thinks it would be a sign of a failure if you tear her clothing off in a hurry to screw her brains out?

Joel: I would never do this, and I would never screw someone's brains out. I prefer to think of it as making love.

Simon: Well, I do have to agree with Joel on this one.

Rafe: Simon, come on. Don't be a wuss puss.

Simon: Rafe, I know you didn't just call me a fucking wuss puss. I'm doing up the schedules as soon as I'm done here.

Brown: I also call it making love. Unless I know the person really well, then sometimes we call it fucking our brains out.

Jim: I agree with H on this one.

Blair: I'm not saying a word.

Conner: Okay, spill, what?

Jim: Shut up Sandburg.

Blair: Jim loves when I rip his clothes off and am rough with him. Kidding, you all. Just kidding.

Rafe: I don't think you're kidding. He'd be the type.

Blair: What do you mean by that?

Rafe: He seems the type that would just let you do whatever you wanted to him.

Blair: Jim, sit down, right now. I don't care if they call you a wuss puss or not. Rafe shut the fuck up or I'll let him slug you right in the kisser.

Simon: Okay, as of right now, if anyone hits anyone, Conner won't get any more help with her classes.

Rafe: Sorry, Ellison.

Jim: Same here.

Blair: Fuck you, Rafe. * Whispering, he said, "I'll take care of you later, big boy."*
****

Conner: Where do you feel is the most important part of the body while love making? Do you ever feel that you've failed your partner because you let something go without attention?

Joel: Well this one's easy. I feel that the entire body is important, but the brain has to believe that you're interested. So talking will help this a great deal.

Conner: Okay, Joel, give me your number.

Jim: I agree with Joel.

Conner: Jim are you and Sandy into threesomes?

Jim: Ask Blair.

Blair: Fuck you, Ellison. What do you mean by that?

Conner: Holy shit, you've done threesomes before?

Jim: No, I've never done that.

Conner: Man, you got me all excited there. I almost had an orgasm.

Jim: Very funny, Conner.

Rafe: I can't believe you're talking about that with them, Conner. What are you nuts? They gay.

Conner: Maybe women get into watching men as much as men get into watching women. Did you ever consider that?

Simon: I try not to consider any of the things we've been discussing. Tell me Conner, what is this helping in that class of yours.

Conner: Sir, if you don't want me doing this anymore, just tell me.

Simon: That's not what I meant. I just wondered what this would help. I think we sound like a bunch of moron's.

Brown: Can I answer the question now?

Conner: Yes, Henry, go ahead.

Brown: I try to make a woman feel like she's the most important person in my life at that moment. This usually works.

Simon: Hey wait a minute, back up a few questions. Sandburg, did you ever have a threesome?

Blair: What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

Conner: Holy shit. He did. OH man, two guys and a girl? All guys? What?

Blair: I was in college; it was two girls and me. Now can we move on?

Rafe: Okay, Hairboy, I have to say I'm impressed.

Jim: OH that's great. You think it sucks that he's fucking me, but you think it's great if he was fucking two women at the same time?

Rafe: Damn straight. He's going to be a new legend around the station now.

Blair: Thanks a lot Jim.

Jim: Sorry, baby.

Blair: Don't baby me; your ass is mine as soon as we're home.

Simon: We're still here, men. Please don't discuss what you're going to do with Jim after you leave here.

Conner: Sandy, you can tell me. I'll listen. I love hearing about you and Jim.

Jim: You tell Conner about us?

Blair: Oh calm down, Jim. She guessed most anyhow.

Joel: I wouldn't mind hearing more about the gay lifestyle when you have the time.

Rafe: I'm telling you, the next thing he'll be telling us is he's thinking of sleeping with a man. Jesus, Joel, get out before you're sucked in for good.

Joel: Brian, you're being very cruel. It's not nice.

Conner: Well, guys, I have to go. I need to go and take the tape player and listen and type all of this up.

Joel: See you later, Conner. It was fun.

Simon: Joel, I need to remind you again what fun is.

Rafe: I'm telling you, Ellison and Sandburg have ruined him.

Jim: I'm going to kick your ass Rafe.

Blair: I'll hold him down, Jim.

Conner: Thanks, guys. We'll see you in two nights when the next one has to be done.

Simon: You're not done with this class yet?

Conner: Sorry, sir.

Joel: Well, I've been learning a lot.

Rafe: We know.

Jim: Shut up, Rafe.

Brown: Quit picking on Joel, Rafe.

Simon: Go home everyone. Now.

Conner: Night guys.

END