Title: Truths

Author: Joanie

Pairing: Jim/Blair

Rating: PG because it's slash.

Category: This is a response to SH's chat challenge.

Date: 9/25/00

Status: new

Archive: please ask

Disclaimer: you know the routine. I don't own the guys <surprise surprise> but Petfly and Paramamount do. I'm not making any money with this, I simply liked the idea of the challenge.

Notes: A huge thank-you to my beta reader Sahe - you're the best beta I could've wished for! :o) SH, this story is for you, as much Jim as I could possibly do!

Truths

by Joanie

Jim closed his eyes and let his hand lovingly caress the smooth skin of the body lying next to his. He could almost feel the youth of it flood him. He ran his palm slowly over a slender back, ever so careful not to wake the sleeping person, until he reached the real aim of his journey. A touch like a feather tickled the back of his hand, then the black wealth of curls fell down on it, enveloping it as his lover shifted in his sleep.

He could still smell the biting scent of his mate, unmistakably proving that the past night had not just been some wild dream. No, definitely not a dream. He chuckled bitterly.

It had been the biggest mistake he'd ever committed, one that was going to destroy the most important part of his life.

He'd had sex with Blair.

It had really all been Maggie's fault. Maggie. The first steady he'd had in such a long time. After his divorce, he'd sworn to himself that he was never ever going to get involved again. Women - all they meant was trouble, a whole lot of time wasted buying presents and waiting for them to get dressed. And, most of all, having to justify for doing his work, having to explain each single minute he was not at home. Each single minute he preferred spending with his friends.

But he had been lonely.

Despite the friendship and excitement all around him, at some point that just hadn't been enough anymore. He hadn't been able to bear seeing his partner making out with one girl after another while he himself sat at home and basically... waited for him to come home. Doing nothing. Staring at blank walls, running in circles, sinking into a lonely bed. Trying to distract himself but realizing with each moment spent without Blair that his life was empty.

That was the point when he had met Maggie. She had been different, not one of the demanding kind. She'd been comfortable to be with. There for him when he needed her, but never asking, demanding, pushing, just accepting him the way he was. He'd enjoyed just being with her, talking to her, kissing her sweet lips, closing his eyes and dreaming of what could be. A vivid girl, bright, who cheered him up, but who was deep within incredibly shy and lost. That was the reason he'd never asked her to do it. Until it had been too late.

"I'm gonna leave you, Jim. I just can't - can't be a part of your life." The words had struck him as a total surprise. Everything had been so fine. Seeing the cold look in her eyes, no love left for him, only pity, he hadn't tried to hold her back. He had known exactly what those pitiful eyes were seeing - a lost man. Somebody without a family, without a life, with no love left within. He had never been able to make a woman love him. Carolyn had tried, must give her credit for that, but maybe there was just nothing to love about him. Not anymore anyway. All of that had died a long time ago.

It had only gotten bad when he'd returned into that lonely loft of his, realizing Blair must've gone out and he was all alone with what he feared most in this world.

Who was he kidding here, of course it hadn't been her fault.

If only he'd had somewhat of a grip on himself.

If only he'd gone straight to his bed and closed the door behind him.

But he hadn't been able to do that. Instead, his thoughts had been running at high speed, unwelcome thoughts, battling with memories from a time long ago, a time that he'd really decided to forget. A love he'd decided to forget.

A wave of nausea shook him now as he remembered Blair coming home late that night, finding him all folded in on himself, waiting for his company.

He hadn't cried since he could remember.

But -

Blair had been with him in no time, enveloping him in his familiar, reassuring warmth, words flowing out of his mouth as he tried to calm Jim's hardly audible sobs.

This incredible compassion, proving that he did matter to Blair, had taken Jim over the edge, and when his lips were desperately searching Blair's, his fate had been sealed.

He still didn't understand what had made Blair so responsive to his needs, but whatever it was - friendship, deep compassion, a crush on someone who was the fulfillment of all his studies... maybe just curiosity... – it couldn't be of any duration. And he hated himself for being so weak to awake it, in spite of all good premeditation. Stupid, Jim!

He smiled sadly at the incredibly innocent face framed by the dark curls his hand was playing with, and he realized just how young his friend was. There was so much still lying in front of Blair Sandburg, and what a great ride it was gonna be for him, what a fulfilled life! There was so much good in him, all his knowledge, curiosity and compassion.

Suddenly, Blair's eyes smiled back at him.

And he was terrified when he saw love in them.

A hand reached up to softly touch his lips. Words were uttered in pure surprise, pure tenderness, only meant for his ears. "Oh, Jim... I never thought I could love a man..."

Jim cut the rest of his words before he could utter them. "You know, Chief, I don't actually love you because you're a man." He casually moved away from his friend, his expression, his whole body growing cold. "I love you because you're as close to a woman as I'll ever get. Without paying for it."

He watched in silence as Blair got up, scrambled his clothes off the floor and left.

And whispered, "You just don't know what it's like to be gay, Blair."

END