Title: Conner's Stress Test

Top Ten Ways To Handle Stress

Author/pseudonym: Patt

Email address: PattRose1@aol.com

Rating: R

Pairings: Bullpen survey, humor.

Status: Complete

Date: 03-29-01

Archive: Yes

Series/Sequel: Conner's Survey Series

Category: Bullpen Humor

Author's website: http://p-patt.tripod.com/dreamingofsentinels/

Disclaimer: Borrowed, I'll return them when I'm done.

Notes: Another survery that the guys need to help Conner out with.

Summary: Top Ten Ways To Handle Stress.

Warnings: m/m Silliness abounds.



**********************
Conner's Top Ten Ways To Handle Stress
by Patt
***

Conner had everyone from the bullpen meet at Jim and Blair's loft. He had more surveys for them to answer. She only hoped that they'd do as well as they had before. Her teacher was enjoying the hell out of these guys. * Oh, who are you kidding? You love these guys and they are funnier than all get out. *

Once she arrived, she sat everyone down and said, "Okay, guys, one more time. I just need you to tell me if you've ever done any of these things to handle stress. On the other hand, if you've wanted to. Just answer as slow as possible. I have a hard time keeping up with you. You Yankee's talk way too fucking fast."

Conner: Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

Simon: Conner, this is so stupid, it's even too stupid to think about. I can't believe some of these things they ask you to ask us. What do they think? You know a bunch of moron's?

Jim: I totally agree with Simon on this one.

Joel: Well, I have to say, this is a little bit too weird, even for me.

Rafe: Henry, why do you have that odd look on your face, man?

Brown: I've done it. Someone dared me. It was years ago when I was young and stupid.

Rafe: Last year, huh?

Brown: Yeah.

Blair: Hey don't feel bad, Brown, I do this from time to time to get rid of some of my stress. In addition, I like to drive Jim nuts.

Jim: He does not. Sandburg, tell them you're kidding.

Simon: I think they all know he's kidding, Jim.

Jim: Do you all know he's kidding?

Brown: So Hairboy, how many marshmallows did you get into your nose at one time?

Blair: I lost count at 26. So, never got as far as 39.

Jim: Chief, stop telling them this. You know you don't stick marshmallows up your nose.

Conner: Jim, why do you care so much what they all think about Blair and his marshmallows?

Jim: Shut up, Conner.

Conner: Jim, you can do better then that.

Jim: Shut the fuck up, Conner.

Conner: Oh Mr. Wit and Wisdom has come out to play. All right, hot shot, why do you care what we all think about this?

Jim: I don't want you thinking he puts marshmallows up his nose. Geeze.

Blair: Jim, get a grip. They know I'm joking. Brown, stop laughing, you're going to upset poor Jim.

Jim: Shut up, Sandburg.

Joel: Okay, now I'm curious, Blair. Do you, or do you not stick marshmallows up your nose?

Blair: I do when I'm alone and bored out of my mind.

Jim: Shit, Chief, stop it.

Blair: But now that I know how much it bothers Jim, I guess I'll stop. Man, I so hoped to move up to 27 marshmallows. Bummer.

Jim: Very fucking funny, Chief.

Joel: Actually I think he is pretty funny.

Conner: I think you're all funny. Why would anyone care? This is very interesting, Ellison. I might write a paper on this alone.

Jim: Shut the fuck up, Conner.

Conner: Good to see you still have your same old come back. Now on to the next one.
******

Conner: Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa.

Joel: I do this all the time. God, does anyone ever have enough money?

Simon: I do. I've never done this. It seems foolish and redundant. v Jim: I couldn't agree with you more, Simon.

Simon: Jim I don't want you agreeing with me, you're anal. The next thing they'll tell me is that I'm gay.

Jim: Excuse me?

Blair: I do this all the time Joel. It drives Jim nuts.

Jim: You do not. Stop telling them this shit.

Brown: Doesn't everyone do this? And Hairboy, you just keep driving that man of yours nuts.

Rafe: Not me. I've never done it. Actually, I don't use a credit card at all.

Jim: Well I'm glad to see we agree on something Rafe.

Rafe: Okay, I'm applying for one tomorrow.

Jim: What's that mean?

Rafe: Jim, you're the most anal person we've ever met. We don't know how Blair stands it.

Blair: Hey, I love when he's anal.

Simon: Could we please move on before they start telling us how great it is to be together?

Jim: Simon, why don't you think it would be good for us?

Simon: I don't want to hear about anyone, Jim. Not just you. I don't want to hear about Joel and his latest conquest or Rafe and his. I want to hear none of it.

Jim: Well, I think you're the one that's anal, sir.

Simon: Conner could we please move on?

Brown: Wait a minute, why didn't you mention Conner and me? You don't mind if we talk about our sex lives?

Simon: I don't want to hear about anyone's sex life, Brown. Got it?

Conner: I think we have it now, sir. Geeze. Talk about anal.

Simon: Shut up, Conner and move on before I have to get physical.
****

Conner: Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

Rafe: How do you do that with microwave popcorn? I don't get this one.

Blair: Rafe, you poor thing. They're talking about that old fashioned way of popping corn from back when. If you leave the lid off, the popcorn will go all over the kitchen.

Conner: So have you ever done this, Sandy?

Blair: You betcha.

Jim: Oh for Christ's sake, you have not.

Blair: I have too. Stop telling me what I have and haven't done.

Jim: When have you left the lid off popcorn? When have you fucking popped corn this old fashioned way.

Blair: I did it at a woman's house one night, about a year ago.

Simon: I think we should really move on, Mount Ellison is getting ready to erupt.

Blair: Jim, did you just hear that? They know our love talk.

Jim: Shut up, Sandburg.

Joel: God, that's funny, Blair. I think you have to have one of the quickest minds I've ever come across.

Jim: Fine, you want to live with him?

Joel: Jim, grow up.

Jim: Oh go fuck yourself, Joel.

Simon: This is getting out of hand again, Conner.

Brown: Wait a minute I didn't get to answer yet. I loved doing this when I was younger.

Jim: When, last year?

Brown: Why does everyone make jokes about my age?

Blair: Welcome to the club, Brown.

Simon: God, I feel so old. Could we please move on?
****

Conner: When someone says, "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

Jim: Shit I do this all the time.

Blair: He does. In fact, the other day, someone said it and he said… What?

Jim: Shut up, Blair.

Brown: Tell me later, Hairboy, I won't tell him.

Rafe: Then you can tell me.

Jim: He's not telling anyone anything. So, forget it.

Simon: I say this all the time, too Jim.

Joel: I can't believe that you have said this. I've said have a nice day back, but that's about it.

Conner: Well, I've even said this when I'm having a bad day.

Simon: good, now could we move on?
****

Conner: Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

Jim: I wouldn't hurt a little frog just because I was stressed. Hell no, I have Sandburg to put in the blender and he'd fit.

Simon: Good one, Ellison.

Rafe: Why are you picking on Sandburg's size, Ellison? You got size issues somewhere else?

Jim: Fuck you, Rafe.

Blair: Hey Rafe, thanks, but I can handle things myself. Fuck you, Ellison.

Joel: It does sound like you have some issues, Jim. Want to talk about them?

Jim: No I don't want to talk about them, Joel. God, do I look like the type that would go to therapy?

Joel: No, you look like the type that neighbors would say, "He seemed like such a nice young man."

Simon: Good one, Joel.

Brown: I think we lost track of the question. I would never kill a little animal, would anyone else?

Jim: It would depend on what it was.

Rafe: Man, you are a cold son-of-a-bitch.

Blair: He'd never hurt anything. He likes to talk big, but he doesn't have it in him.

Joel: See, I really think Jim might have some issues. As long as we're getting together each week helping Megan out, I think we could all help Jim too.

Jim: No thanks, Joel.

Blair: Why don't you want anyone to know that you're a teddy bear, Jim?

Jim: I'm going to fucking kill you later.

Blair: Those are his code words for, " I get to top."

Jim: Shut up, Sandburg.

Blair: Those are his code words for "Fuck me now."

Simon: Conner, please move this on. Please?
****

Conner: Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candy gram.

Rafe: Hell yes, I buy myself chocolate all the time. It helps.

Conner: I do too.

Jim: Me too.

Blair: Jim, how many times have I told you that shit will kill you?

Joel: I love candy too.

Brown: I think it's the first time we've agreed on something.

Blair: hello??? Is anyone listening to me? I said, I keep telling Jim not to eat the shit.

Jim: But you never actually said you don't like chocolate.

Simon: Well I like chocolate, does this make you feel better, Ellison?

Jim: Not really sir.

Simon: Conner, please move on while there is a lull in the action.
***

Conner: Make a list of things to do that you've already done.

Jim: Conner, this one makes no sense what so ever.

Blair: That's the whole point, Jim. We're supposed to do something wild and crazy to relieve the stress. I think you need to do something wild and crazy. Oh I have it, you can do me later on.

Simon: Okay, we could have gone all night without hearing that.

Jim: Why? Does it bother you that we're of the same sex?

Simon: Hell it bothers me that someone is having sex and it's not me. I don't care what sex you are.

Brown: Well it does bother me, I can tell you that. You're my friends after all. I'm fine with knowing about you both but I don't want to think about

Jim doing things to Blair. Geeze, that makes me sick.

Conner: So if Jim were dating me, it would be different? Then you would want to hear all about it?

Brown: Damn straight. But see that's the problem. I'm straight, Jim's not. Sorry Jim.

Jim: Well, I'm not, Henry.

Blair: It bothers me that it bothers you, H.

Simon: Does anyone care that everyone and everything is bothering me?

Joel: I think that they are a cute couple and it doesn't gross me out at all.

Rafe: Geeze, Joel, the next thing you'll tell us is you're thinking about dating a guy.

Joel: Actually, you look mighty fine tonight, Brian.

Rafe: Fuck you, Joel, that's not funny.

Simon: Conner, please?

Conner: Wait a minute. You didn't tell me if you ever made a list of things to do, that you'd already done.

Simon: No, I've never done that.

Rafe: Nope, me either.

Jim: I make lists so much that I don't remember if I've done it or not.

Blair: He's anal and forgetful all at once.

Joel: No, I've never tried this.

Brown: Nope, me either.
****

Conner: Dance naked in front of your pets.

Jim: We have no pets.

Blair: No, but he dances naked in front of me when he's stressed all the time. Hey, that hurt, Jim.

Joel: Blair, you are much too funny tonight.

Simon: I think we're going to start banning Sandburg from these sessions.

Jim: The fuck you will.

Simon: You just punched him in the arm, why do you care?

Jim: He has as much right to be here as we do, Simon.

Simon: Jim make up your mind if you want him here or not.

Conner: The question is, have you ever danced naked in front of your pets to relieve stress, gentlemen?

Rafe: I don't have any pets.

Brown: Hell I walk around in front of my dog, I'm sure I've danced in front of him once or twice. What?

Joel: Well, I don't have any pets, but I wouldn't mind doing it.

Blair: Way to go Joel.

Simon: Conner could we move on?
***

Conner: Put your clothes on backwards and go to work as if nothing was wrong.

Blair: I'd never get outside the door. Hell, I'd never get past the kitchen.

Jim would have me stripped in two seconds flat and turn everything the way it should be.

Jim: Damn right.

Simon: I'm sure that once in awhile I've forgotten something and come to work without tucking my shirt in or something.

Conner: That wasn't the question, Simon.

Simon: Fine, I've never done it. I think it's safe to bet; I won't ever do it either.

Joel: I've never done it either.

Rafe: I would die first.

Blair: Geeze, and you call us anal?

Rafe: I like to look neat and tidy, that's not gay.

Jim: Well good cuz Blair isn't neat at all. Moreover, I'm here to tell you, he's one of the finest gay men I've ever known.

Blair: Thanks, Jim.

Jim: Your welcome, Chief.

Simon: God, someone get me a bucket.

Joel: I thought it was sweet. Could I ask something Jim? How many gay men have you known?

Jim: No you can't ask.

Blair: Why not?

Jim: Chief, he's asking how many men I've slept with. It's none of their business.

Blair: One.

Jim: You little fuck. I'm going to kick your ass.

Blair: Who you calling a little fuck. That's not what you said last night.

Simon: Stop. Stop right now. Don't even start.

Conner: God, I love these damn surveys. I learn so much about all of you; it isn't even funny.

Simon: Are we almost done, Conner?

Conner: One more, sir.
***

Conner: Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman Numerals.

Jim: Like anyone would want the wrath of IRS on them on purpose.

Blair: I have to agree with Jim on this one.

Simon: I wouldn't do it either.

Rafe: God that would be like a fucking nightmare.

Brown: You're all chicken shits.

Joel: Brown, are you saying you would do it?

Brown: No, I was joking.

Conner: Wow, guys, we all agree on one thing. We're afraid to be screwed by the IRS.

Simon: Can we leave now?

Jim: What about poker?

Blair: Yeah, I made food.

Joel: I'm staying.

Brown: I'll stay, but no more talk about fucking, all right?

Jim: Let me go and fuck him really fast so I won't be so tempted to talk about it all night long.

Brown: Very funny, Ellison.

Rafe: I'll stay. I don't care what you say as long as there is food.

Joel: I think they're a cute couple. Conner does too.

Conner: Hey, don't tell them I said that. It'll go to their heads.

Blair: Oh man, Jim. We don't want anything going to our heads.

Simon: Fine, I'm going to stay, but stop this talk now. Let's eat and play cards.

Conner: Thanks guys. I'll try not to keep you so busy with these darn things for the next few weeks.



The End??