Title: Too Late

Author/ pseudonym: Morgana.

Fandom: The Sentinel.

Parings: Blair/ Jim.

Rating: PG.

Status: Complete.

Archive: Yes.

E-mail address for feedback: morganalebeau@yahoo.com

Series/Sequel: Stand-alone story.

Disclaimer: The Sentinel is a creation by Danny Bilson and Paul DeMeo and belongs to Paramount Pictures, Pet Fly Productions & UPN.

Summary; Blair comes back from the dead, but finds nothing has changed between Jim and he. Hurt by the events of Sentinel too, he decides not to return to the loft. Simon offers him a place to stay and Blair accepts. Still recovering from his near-death experience he makes the best of being Simon's house guest. But during the night, dreams, nightmares and out of body experiences scare the hell out of Blair, as he realizes that his near death experience set off his Shaman powers

Too Late?

by Morgana

"Jim, I'm not coming back to the loft," Blair said resolved. During the flight back to Cascade he'd had enough time to make up his mind. It had to end here. He needed to regain an emotional distance to protect himself. He really needed to find out what he'd lost when he'd drowned in that fountain.

"What? Chief?" Jim's expression showed shocked surprise and sheer disbelief. He never expected Blair to make that particular decision and then tell him so casually. Briefly speechless, he locked eyes with Blair, silently asking for an explanation.

"I can't go back there, man," Blair stated, ignoring Simon and Megan's puzzled glances. "I'll just go back to my hotel room."

"Sandy?" Megan wasn't sure what to say, but she couldn't remain quiet. Yes, these last few days had been hard on them, all of them, but this announcement came unexpected. "Why would you want to do that?" Ever since she'd arrived in Cascade she'd sensed the close connection between the two men and she'd often wondered about the depth of the feelings involved. After finding out that Jim was a Sentinel she'd understood part of the relationship of Guide and Sentinel, but there was so much more to them!

"Jim packed my stuff, Megan. I was staying at a hotel anyway." Blair took a deep breath. No, no one could change his mind. He needed time to work through all the things that had happened since Alex Barnes had entered his life. Sierra Verde had been a roller coaster ride and he hadn't recovered from all events yet. He needed time; needed to look inside his soul.

"I'm sorry about that, chief," Jim apologized sincerely. "But I was only trying to make sure nothing bad would happen to you." He felt bad for failing his Guide, knowing he should have prevented Blair's death. If only he had been courageous enough to trust his friend! But he'd failed. Incapable of trusting his best friend he'd signed Blair's death sentence, leaving the way open for Alex to move in for the kill. //And she killed him...!//

The sudden realization hit hard. Alex had killed Blair. //And we haven't even discussed it yet.// He knew why he couldn't address it. His cowardice kept him back. He'd screwed up, screwed up big time and Blair had paid the prize.

Blair nodded his head, seeing the expression on Jim's face. No surprise there. Jim was keeping it all to himself, not allowing him in. That was one reason why he had to go, one reason why he had to maintain the coerced distance between them. Jim had to make the first step and all Blair could do was wait. "I know you're sorry, Jim, but there's no going back." Both past and present were filled with pain and he couldn't go back to the way things had been before. Something had changed.

"Chief, the loft is your home too." Jim cringed mentally. //Was his home. I took that away from him,// he realized, reading the truth in Blair's eyes. //Damn!//

Blair shook his head. "I'll be around at the station," he promised. "Don't worry, Jim. I'll be there when you need me." But the unspoken truth circled in his mind. //You don't need me any longer, big guy.// He didn't know exactly what had happened at the temple, but his instincts told him that they'd reached a point where they needed to go their own way.

Jim's mouth went dry. The resolve in Blair's eyes was hard, unwavering. "Damnit, Chief! I don't want you to take off like that! I shouldn't have kicked you out of the loft, but..." his voice faltered as Blair locked eyes with him.

"No, Jim. Don't go there." Blair grabbed his backpack, ready to get a cab and head for the hotel. He needed undisturbed sleep, needed to think.

"Sandburg?" Simon finally took charge, unsure what was really happening underneath the surface of the conversation. "You can stay at my place. I've got a spare room," he offered, carefully choosing his words. If he was reading Blair correctly the young man would decline any direct orders. Better to offer the room to him so Blair could make the decision.

Blair blinked his eyes. "You're sure? I'm terribly messy, ask Jim." This offer was unexpected, but he was tempted to accept. He didn't really want to spend the next days in a hotel and he needed a friend.

Simon waved the comment away. "Let's get our things."

Paralysed, Jim listened to the conversation. This couldn't be happening! Blair couldn't leave him like this! Sure, he'd made a mistake by not confiding in Blair about the vision in which he killed his Guide, but Sandburg was overreacting! "Come on, Chief! You don't want to stay with Simon!" Unexpectedly, he felt Megan's hand on his shoulder and he turned to look at her.

"Give him time, Jim. He just died and then realized that Alex and you were attracted to each other. Don't you understand that he needs time?"

"No, I don't," Jim whispered upset, watching Simon and Blair retrieve their luggage. //I never thought he would ever leave me! That he could leave me!// he realized stunned.

Megan sighed deeply. She agreed with Blair's decision, seeing the hurt in his eyes whenever he looked at Jim. //But Jim is blind... doesn't see the love in Sandy's eyes.// Somehow that hurt. "You heard his promise. He'll be there when you need him."

"I can't believe this!" Jim exclaimed in anger as Simon walked up to him. Blair however already headed for the exit. "What the hell is going on in that head of his?" Why was Blair acting like this? He'd used his animal spirit to bring his Guide back and had then fought Alex Barnes! It didn't matter from which angle he looked at this; it didn't make sense!

"I'll keep my eye on him, Jim," Simon said reassuringly and squeezed his detective's shoulder. "He's been through a lot, Jim."

//Everybody keeps saying that!// Jim mused upset. //But he's alive, the nerve gas is safe and Alex can't hurt him any longer!// He'd fixed everything, so why did need Blair time? Blair had been just fine when he'd visited his friend in the hospital after bringing him back.

Waiting near the exit Blair shuffled his feet. He really didn't want to do this, but didn't have a choice. For the last three years he'd put Jim's needs first. He could no longer do that. First, Jim had told him to pack his things, kicking him out and a few days later he'd seen Alex and Jim kiss on the beach. //Wonder if they would have gone all the way if I hadn't shown up,// he mused saddened.

It pained him that Jim had chosen Alex and not him, but he had to respect that decision. However, it did mean that he had to move on. Oh yes, he planned on riding along with the Sentinel, be there during stakeouts or when there was a chance Jim might zone, but he needed to start thinking about his own needs too. He'd neglected them these last three years, during which he'd kept hoping that Jim might feel attracted to him as well. //Not going to happen.//

"Ready to go, Sandburg?" Worried, Simon eyed him closely. Damn, the kid didn't look too good. "Did you check yourself out of that hospital or did they actually release you?" he suddenly wondered. Wasn't it strange that they would sign Blair's papers only one day after being brought back from the dead?

Blair avoided answering him and ducked into the cab that had just pulled up. Simon joined him on the back seat and Blair wondered if there was still a way out of answering the question.

"I'm waiting, Sandburg," Simon reminded him, forcing himself to remain calm. Yelling at the kid wouldn't get him anywhere.

"I'm okay, Simon," he said evasively. He didn't plan on telling Banks that he'd sneaked out of the hospital, telling Megan his doctor had released him. At that point he'd still hoped that Jim would need him, would listen to him, would see the truth. //A blind Sentinel,// he sighed privately. //Not now,// he chided himself. He couldn't think of this now.

"So, why don't you want to go back to the loft, Sandburg?" Simon inquired after giving the cab driver his instructions. Blair's decision surprised him. "Jim..."

"Simon? Give me a break?" Blair fought to keep the angry tone out of his voice. "I'm tired and edgy."

"Yes, I imagine you're still upset. Dying does that to a man." Simon watched him closely, noticing the twitch near the right corner of Blair's mouth. //Kid will have to talk about this. Didn't Jim and Blair discuss it?// That struck him as odd. Jim seemed the most logical choice for Blair to talk to about his near death experience, but something kept Blair back. What was it?

Stubbornly, Blair stared out of the window. He didn't want to think about Jim. It hurt too much!

"All right, kid. We'll give you all the time you need," Simon whispered barely audible.

///

Sitting on the couch in his living room, Jim could hardly remember driving home. For some reason he had been convinced that Blair would be at his side again, roaming the kitchen, surfing the net and leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor. But he was alone now.

Jim swallowed his beer and stared at the TV screen. There was a game on, but he couldn't focus on the players. He was still angry with Blair for walking out on him like that.

"And he's supposed to be my Guide?" he sneered in a pained tone. "Damn! I even brought him back!" Why was he this angry?

Because Blair had upset his plans? He'd planned on explaining to Blair why he'd packed his stuff and asked him to leave, but now the words had to remain unspoken. Telling Blair to leave had been the last thing he'd wanted, but he couldn't endanger his Guide by telling Blair about his vision. Pushing him away had been the only way to keep him safe.

//Hoped that he would be safe if I wasn't around. Man, was I wrong!// Alex only got a chance to kill Blair because he'd kicked his friend out!

The nature of his anger changed and he aimed it at himself. Why couldn't he trust people?

//Because they leave or die...// Trusting people had never been easy, growing up in the Ellison household had ensured that. His relationship with his dad and brother was still difficult and he didn't even want to think about his mother.

//But I trust Blair! So why didn't I tell him about that vision? Why didn't I tell him that I was afraid I would kill him?// Because he was a coward, that was why! It was easier to push people away when you feared for their lives. And Blair... Blair had quickly become the most important person in his life. More important than his work? Yes. More important than his own life?

"Fuck yes!" Agitated, he got to his feet and paced the living room, but suddenly he froze. Damn... no heartbeat. Instinctively, he wanted to dial up his sense of hearing, but he knew it would be futile. Blair wasn't even close!

How he missed that heartbeat! The sound of Blair's voice... the little noises Blair made while chewing a pencil when he surfed the net...

His hands clenched into fists. Damn! The man had only been gone for a few hours and he already felt like a caged tiger... "Jaguar," he corrected himself chidingly.

Slowly, he made his way to Blair's old room and realized that his Guide still needed to pick up a few boxes. Almost reverently, he made his way over to them, opened one box and released a deep sigh. His fingers curled in the flannel shirt and he brought it closer to his nose, inhaling the craved scent.

Suddenly, he dropped it, pulling back like the fabric had burned his fingers. What the hell was he doing sniffing Blair's clothes?

He turned around and slammed the door hard. Blair had made the decision to walk out on him and he needed to readjust his life. He would find a way to live without having his best friend close.

///

"Thanks, Simon." Blair smiled weakly, as he took in his temporary quarters. "Looks great." It even had its own bathroom. "I appreciate it."

After removing his glasses Simon rubbed the bridge of his nose and shook his head. "I don't know why you don't want to go back to the loft, but... I respect that. Just try and get some sleep, kid." He'd noticed that Blair hadn't slept much during their nights in Sierra Verde. First in the church and then he'd heard the younger man pacing his room in the hotel. It was almost like Sandburg was afraid to go to sleep. //Well, don't know how I would feel about going to sleep after been dead. Maybe it feels the same.//

"I'll try, Simon,' Blair promised sincerely, wondering if the captain was on to him. As he closed the door he looked up apologetically. He didn't want to talk right now. What he wanted was a hot shower and then to sit down to write in his journal, which he'd neglected these last few days. And maybe then, just maybe, he would try to sleep.

Simon stared at the closed door, knowing something was wrong, but he couldn't name the feeling. //Must have something to do with that near death experience. Going through something like that would change anyone.//

Checking the time Simon wondered if he should drive down to the PD to find out what had happened during his absence. In the end, he decided against it. They weren't expecting him until tomorrow and he could use a good night's sleep as well. As he headed for his bedroom, he looked back over his shoulder, wondering what the hell was going on in Blair Sandburg's mind.

///

Exhausted, Blair dropped onto the bed and shivered. He was finally alone and could stop pretending he was fine. Closing his eyes he remembered the look on Jim's face when he'd announced he wasn't going back home with him. That had been hard, but necessary.

//Can't walk in there right now, knowing Jim doesn't really want me around. He packed my stuff and told me to be gone when he got back.//

He rubbed his eyes and lay down on his back, refusing to open them to stare at the ceiling. This darkness was way more comforting. How had he ended up in his mess? When had things gone wrong?

He allowed his thoughts to drift back, mentally reviewing this past week. It had gone wrong when Alex had showed up. He regretted ever addressing her, ever trying to find out whether she was a Sentinel or not. Jim had been right. He'd gotten them into this mess by hiding the fact that there was a second Sentinel. If only he had told Jim. But he hadn't.

//And now I'm paying the prize.// But, and this soothed him, Jim was safe. Safe at the loft. And wasn't that all that mattered? Wasn't it his job as a Guide to watch over his Sentinel?

"Guide..." he muttered, voice filled with loathing. "I can't guide him." Another thought stung. Jim had had all these visions. Even Incacha had appeared to him, telling Jim how to bring his Guide back from the dead. "Am I not supposed to be the Shaman? Yeah right. I'll never be one!"

During his time with Jim as his Guide he'd always hoped that he would discover things about himself. Hadn't Incacha passed the way of the Shaman onto him? If that was true, why didn't he feel it? He had done some reading on Shamanism, but he'd never felt anything that came close to the experiences of Shamans he had read about on the net.

He felt like a fraud. Yes, he had been a Guide, but what was he now? He desperately needed the answer to that question. Sitting up, he pulled the journal from his backpack and started writing.

#Saturday, August 12th.

I did it. I told Jim I wasn't going back to the loft. Honestly, I don't think he expected that. He looked like he'd been run over by a truck. It's unbelievable, but after all these years he still hasn't figured it out. I mean, even Megan knows! I can see it in her eyes when she looks at Jim and me. So, why can't Jim see that I'm in love with him? Maybe he knows and is determined not to acknowledge it?

Doesn't matter anymore. I made my decision and walked away from him. I never thought I would have the courage to actually do that, but Alex opened my eyes. Let's face it, Jim doesn't need me and certainly doesn't want me close.

After I regained consciousness in the hospital I felt hopeful. If Jim had given me the tiniest chance I would have told him the truth... that I've been in love with him for three years.

But I can never tell him. Not after Alex. It doesn't matter why he wanted her, whether it was a primitive sexual urge or something else. He wanted the woman who killed me. I still can't believe how easily he forgot what she did to me.

Did Jim kick me out of the loft because he had feelings for her right from the start? Okay, he didn't know I was studying a second Sentinel, but maybe his subconscious was clearing the way so they could be together.

I still see them kissing on the beach and yes, I know that they would have taken it further if I hadn't shown up.

Damn, I need to stop whining about this and get my life back on track. But it's hard. For the first time in my life it felt like I'd found a home, a real home. With Jim there was stability, certainty and now I have to start all over again on my own.

I hate being alone and... I'm scared to go to sleep. I'm scared that the nightmares will be back the moment I close my eyes.#

Blair closed the journal, feeling depressed and lonely. Normally, he would watch a game with Jim, have a beer and talk about the day's events. Now, he sat here in a strange room, hugging his journal.

Maybe refusing to return to the loft had been stupid. At least that way he would have been close to Jim, but that was no longer enough. He wanted commitment, wanted the man as his lover and now that it had become clear that he couldn't have Jim Ellison, he had to move on. It was as simple as that... so why did it still hurt?

Not bothering to undress he slipped beneath the covers, feeling cold to the bone. "Can't close my eyes. Can't go to sleep," he whispered, repeating the words over and over again.

"Can't go to sleep." His dreams already waited for him. He would relive seeing Alex walk into his room, knocking him unconscious. He'd never realized she'd dragged him in to the fountain until the paramedics had told him what had happened.

"She tried to drown me," he whispered, then corrected himself. "No, she drowned me" The paramedics had told him that he had been clinically dead for at least 6 minutes and the doctor had obviously been relieved to see that the lack of oxygen hadn't affected his brain.

"And yet he brought me back... why?" Yes, why had Jim brought him back? Saddened, he curled up into a tight ball. Jim and Simon had gone to Sierra Verde without him and only Megan's curiosity had given him a chance to join the two men there.

"It hurts," he whispered saddened. Jim had abandoned him and that hurt. "I betrayed his trust? What about him?" he wondered aloud. "I didn't try to kill Alex! She killed me and he still wanted her!" It was the core of his sadness, even anger. He felt betrayed.

"Don't want to sleep," he whispered the words like a mantra but lost the fight. His body was exhausted and demanded he rest. As his eyes dropped shut, he buried his fingernails in the covers, desperately imagining it was Jim's shirt. Hoping desperately that it was Jim who was holding him, telling him that everything would be all right. That the Sentinel would watch over him during the night, but the rational part of his brain saw the lies and despair.

///

"What the hell?" Blair mumbled shocked and looked at his surroundings. "Not again!" He was back in the jungle and he almost expected a black jaguar to come running at him. But nothing happened. In the distance birds sang and monkeys screamed as they moved through the trees. The sun was suffocating.

"Okay..." Swallowing hard, he gave in to the heat and took off his sweater. "So does this mean that I'm dead again?" he wondered aloud. He shielded his eyes with his hand and explored the trail in front of him.

Suddenly, he saw smoke to his left, probably from a campfire and he decided to check on it. //Hey, look on the bright side. If I'm dead no one can harm me!//

He pushed some branches aside and walked on to a clearing. With a start he recognized the lone figure sitting close to the fire. "Incacha?" he whispered in disbelief. "Guess you got lost in the wrong dream," he said discouraged. "I'm not Jim."

The eyes opened and stared at him from behind the red paint, making Blair feel distinctly uncomfortable. "Uh," he started nervously, "better be heading back."

"Sit."

Incacha's voice took him by surprise and he halted in his tracks. Surprised, he looked over his shoulder. "Who? Me?" Was it his imagination or was Incacha grinning? //And why do I feel like I'm in big trouble?//

"Sit," Incacha repeated and gestured him to take a place next to him near the fire.

"You sure it's me you want to talk to?" Blair objected. "And not Jim?"

"Sit with me, Guide," Incacha ordered in a firm tone.

Sighing, Blair gave in and gingerly he sat down cross-legged. The fire emanated a pleasant warmth and he extended his hands to warm them.

"It took you a long time to decide what path to take."

Blair peeked at Incacha's eyes. "I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't want to be disrespectful, but..." he babbled, but Incacha's amused glance silenced him.

"Don't talk. Listen."

"Listen? Hey, I'm not a Sentinel, I don't hear..." His voice trailed off as Incacha chanted quietly. It was Chopec. He didn't know the words, so why did they feel familiar? The chant grew louder and it almost felt like another voice had joined Incacha's, but as he looked around he realized that they were still alone. This was seriously weird.

Sounds coming from a bush nearby alarmed him and he almost leaped to his feet. A large grey form appeared and slowly approached him. //It's the wolf from my vision,// the vision he'd shared with Jim. This was the wolf that had jumped towards the black jaguar, creating a big bang of light.

Uncertain of how to react he simply observed the canine that lay down at his feet. It watched him intensely in return. Briefly, his vision melted with the wolf's and he found himself looking at the two men near the fireplace.

"You're my spirit guide," Blair whispered and hesitantly raised a hand, wondering if he could touch the wolf. The canine allowed it and growled deeply in its throat as a gentle hand patted his head.

The chanting was inside his head now and he couldn't help it. His lips started to move. He didn't know the words, didn't know the language, but he found himself chanting in the same tone and rhythm as Incacha.

///

A low mumbling woke Simon in the midst of the night. He was a light sleeper and the cop in him urged him to check on it. Dressed in shirt and boxers he reached for his gun and sneaked through the corridor. Suddenly, he realized that the mumbling came from the guest room. "Sandburg." He put down the gun.

Should he knock? But what if the kid was having a nightmare and wouldn't let him in? Could he take that risk? Determinedly, he pushed the door ajar.

The kid was still dressed, tossing and turning on the bed. Simon tried to make sense of the whispered words, but he didn't understand the language.

Fascinated, he watched as Blair's eyes opened, staring at the ceiling and the mumbling died. Instead, Sandburg started to chant softly. It sounded like the same language, but Simon wasn't sure. It was an entrancing chant and he felt drawn closer. Better wake the kid up before this turned into a vivid nightmare!

"Sandburg!" he said resolved and approached the bed, but the younger man didn't seem to hear him and continued to chant. Carefully, he shook Blair's shoulders. "Sandburg, wake up!"

///

"No!" The scream left his lips and wild eyed he stared at Simon, who hovered over him.

"Looks like you had a nightmare, kid," Simon offered apologetically. "You were... talking in your sleep."

At first Blair felt confused. He hadn't been ready to leave Incacha's presence, but Simon's voice had ripped him away from the spirit plane. "I'm okay, Simon," he reassured his friend as he ran a hand through his tangled hair. "It wasn't a nightmare."

"Glad to hear that," Simon whispered, but wasn't satisfied yet. If the kid wanted to talk he should let Blair know that he would listen. "Were you dreaming about the fountain?"

Blair shook his head, impressed and touched by Simon's concern. He never expected the captain to worry about him. "No, about the jungle."

"You know, if you want to talk, Sandburg, I'm here... Daryl once told me I'm a good listener." Finally feeling reassured that everything was fine, he studied his guest.

"Thanks for the offer, man. I'll keep it in mind... but I need to work through this myself first," Blair said softly. //And I have to figure out why I'm dreaming of Incacha all of a sudden. Wishful thinking perhaps? Maybe I want a vision so badly that my subconscious is supplying me with one?// That thought made him shudder.

"In that case I better get back to bed and try to get more sleep. I've got to get up early." Briefly, he paused. "You know, Sandburg... Please feel at home here... Get some breakfast in the morning..." Simon mentally made a note to contact the hospital tomorrow and find out if Blair had sneaked out. Maybe he should try to get the young man some counseling. Dying, and then coming back to life, couldn't be easy!

"Thanks," Blair averted his eyes, touched by Simon's genuine tone. "You're a good friend."

Simon grumbled at that and returned to his room, leaving Blair to his own thoughts.

Lying back down, he tried to stop the trembling racking his body. He'd controlled it pretty well while Simon had been in here, but now... "Am I losing my mind?" he whispered lost. "Jim's the one who has visions, not me... never me!"

And yet, he could still hear Incacha chant in his mind, anchoring him. Shivering, he curled up, hiding underneath the covers, afraid to fall asleep again.

///

On his way to his truck Jim sleepily rubbed his temples. He hadn't gotten any sleep last night, missing Blair's normally present heartbeat. Only now he realized how much he missed it, how much he used to focus his senses on it. Last night had been hell. He'd kept tossing and turning, trying to hone in on Blair's heartbeat or voice. But the loft had been terribly empty, almost dead.

He dropped onto the driver's seat and started the engine. He needed to stop thinking about Blair. Did he really need his Guide this badly? Another, more unpleasant question sneaked into his mind. Had he taken Blair for granted? Yesterday, when Blair and Simon had driven away, it had felt like part of his heart went missing, like Blair was taking it with him.

Damn. He wasn't this emotional usually. Normally, he tried to keep his calm when dealing with his problems and didn't get emotional over them. But this was different.

As he drove through the streets, he missed Blair's voice telling him about his classes at Rainier. He missed Blair's babbling. That voice always calmed him, enabled him to concentrate and now it was gone.

"We need to talk, Chief," Jim whispered determinedly. "I need to know why you can't come back to the loft. It's your home too." The words came easy now, but could he speak them once he was face to face with Blair? Repression was his middle name and he was good at it. It stemmed from childhood, when it had been best to leave things unspoken. But if he wanted to restore their friendship he had to overcome that fear. He had to change. "I'm willing to try, Chief," he mumbled firmly.

///

Groggily, Blair opened his eyes and felt briefly disorientated. This wasn't his room at the loft! Suddenly his memories returned, hitting hard. "I really did it," he whispered resigned.

He stretched his body. Lazily, he enjoyed another minute in his warm bed. Last night had been remarkable. He still vividly remembered his dream, sitting at the campfire with Incacha, stroking the wolf's fur that had been resting at his feet. It'd been a mystical revelation.

"One my subconscious provided," he added saddened. He wasn't the one chosen to have visions, that was Jim. His subconscious was playing games with him.

Yawning sleepily, he pushed back the covers. He was still dressed. Man, these clothes were ripe! He definitely needed a shower. Good thing he had a spare outfit in his backpack.

He walked into the bathroom and got rid of his clothes. After a brief search he discovered some towels and then stepped under the warm shower beams. Yeah, this definitely felt good!

Mentally, he went over all the things he needed to take care of today. First, he had to phone the University to find out when he could get back to teaching his classes. Then, he should probably drive down to the PD to check on Jim. If his friend had to go on a stakeout tonight, he should be there in case Jim zoned.

"Come on, man," he chided himself, reaching for the shampoo he'd brought along from his backpack. "Jim no longer needs me." He was kidding himself. Better concentrate on his classes and dissertation. He did have a deadline, which he had to meet.

The shower refreshed him and after drying his skin he slipped into a new pair of clothes. "Still need to pick up those last few boxes," he remembered. Most of his clothes were inside those two boxes. The stuff he'd already moved from the loft was now in the basement of a friend.

He really dreaded returning to the loft to get his stuff. Hopefully, Jim had already left when he got there. "I better leave the keys behind," he whispered absentmindedly. That way Jim wouldn't feel like he could walk in there at any moment. Jim probably needed his privacy right now.

Hesitantly he headed to the kitchen, feeling like an intruder. He quickly realized he was alone. Simon had left early. Okay, the captain had told him to feel at home and eat breakfast, so he searched the cupboards and found some cereal, milk, bread and he made coffee to really wake up.

He felt awkward as he looked at the pictures of Daryl and Simon stuck onto the door of the refrigerator. "I need to find a place of my own." Maybe he could find a small apartment near the University. He added it to his list.

Sitting down he ate breakfast and devoured the coffee, black and hot, just as he liked it. He put everything in the sink with the things, which Simon had used earlier that morning and then got his coat and backpack. First stop was the University.

"Shit," he cursed softly. His Volvo was still at the loft and he had to pick it up first! "Change of plans," he muttered nervously. "Into the lion's den…"

///

Relieved, he noticed that Jim's truck was nowhere in sight and nervously he headed up the stairs. Better pick up those boxes first. That way he didn't have to come back later.

He rang the doorbell, just in case Jim was home after all, but no one answered. Slowly, he opened the door and stepped inside. "Just get your stuff and get the hell out of here!"

Distressed, he froze in the centre of the living room. Although all his stuff was gone, it still felt like home. The couch… the kitchen… every inch of this place held memories. "Don't get sentimental," he chided himself and headed for his room. Surprised, he found the boxes opened, one of his shirts on the floor.

Without giving it a second thought, he put it back into the box and lifted it. The longer he stayed here, the harder it would get. But he'd had some great times here. Blair drew in a deep breath. No use to dwell on the past.

As he walked into the living room again, a sense of deja vu overwhelmed him. This was where he'd stood when he'd realized that Jim had packed up all his things. He still remembered the disbelief coursing through him. Three years. He'd lived here three years and then Jim had decided to kick him out without even a warning? That had hurt.

"Still hurts," he confessed and tossed the keys into the small basket. It was time to get out of here.

///

Back in his Volvo he simply sat there, staring at the steering wheel. He'd just closed one chapter in his life and was about to start another. He'd done that many times before and he could do it again. It was no big deal. Naomi's 'free-spirited' life style had taught him to adapt and to be self-sufficient. He would find a place to live and make this work.

The angry ringing of his cell phone woke him from his musing. //Don't let it be Jim.// He couldn't possibly act casually right now, not after making that trip down memory lane when he'd walked into the loft. He steeled himself and then answered the phone.

"Sandburg? Where are you?"

Thank God, it was only Simon! "I just picked up the Volvo at the loft, why?"

"I left some files at home. Could you bring them when you come in later? You are coming down to the station, Sandburg?" Simon's voice revealed uncertainty. Sandburg's chanting worried him.

"Sure, I'll get them for you. No problem, man." Blair mentally made a note. "Got to drive to the University first. I can be at the station at… 16.00 hours. Is that okay?" Simon growled something and Blair smiled. Doubtlessly, Banks made his men very nervous now that the captain was back and in control.

"Just be there," Simon said relieved. Yes, he needed those files, but he also wanted to make sure Blair came to the station. Jim had been in a bad mood since he'd gotten in and maybe talking to Blair would help. He terminated the connection and studied his detective. Ellison's angry expression made him uneasy.

///

Things at Rainier wrapped up more quickly than he'd assumed and he drove to Simon's house to pick up the files at 15.00 hours. He carried the two boxes to his room, grateful that Simon had left a spare key on the kitchen table before the captain had left for work. Blair didn't bother to unpack, just put the boxes onto the floor and then went in search of the files. They were easily found. Simon had left them next to the phone in the hallway.

He mentally prepared himself to face Jim when he drove to the station. Would Jim be pissed, angry or didn't Jim care any longer why he'd left? That was the easiest way out and Jim would be tempted to grab it. Addressing personal and emotional matters wasn't Jim's style. Well, maybe Jim would just start to yell, who knew?

After parking his car he headed inside, wondering if Jim already was in a foul mood. His instincts warned him that this wouldn't be easy on both of them.

"Sandburg," Rafe greeted him, relieved to see the younger man healthy and alive. Finding Sandburg in the fountain and dragging him out would always be etched into his memory. Seconds had turned into minutes and Blair had still lain dead at his feet. Even the paramedics had given up on the kid. "You okay?"

"Thanks, Rafe, I'm fine," he replied with a smile, but flinched when his eyes locked with Jim's. //He's angry,// Blair realized, seeing the smouldering fire in those steel blue eyes. He braced himself and walked up to Jim's desk. "Simon asked for these files. Is he in his office?" Yeah, definitely sounded stupid, but he needed to say something that wouldn't sparkle Jim's anger.

"Yeah, walk on in," Jim growled between clenched teeth. He used every ounce of discipline not to leap up from his chair and touch Blair to convince himself his Guide was really here. He'd sensed Blair's heartbeat the moment the younger man had walked into the building, but had forced himself to remain seated. He wouldn't show his nervousness in front of Blair.

Mentally, Blair winced. //Come on, man. You can talk to me! I'm your friend, remember?// So why couldn't he speak those words? A barrier had appeared and kept them apart and that barrier had a name. It was Alex Barnes.

"You feeling okay, Chief?" Jim probed carefully. Inwardly, he screamed the words, craving the heartbeat this close, reluctant to let Blair leave again.

"Doing fine, big guy." Blair actually managed another smile. "Simon's cool about me staying at his place, but I better drop of these files now."

Jim watched him leave and with every step Blair took his heart grew heavier. Desperately, he clung to the heartbeat, which still sounded in his ears. He couldn't help but listen in on the conversation in Simon's office. Maybe he was just curious and he didn't want to admit it.

"Give me those files, Sandburg." Simon scowled and grabbed the papers. "I need them!"

"You're welcome, captain," Blair chuckled with a wicked grin. He was about to leave the office again, but Simon's question stopped him.

"Did you talk to Jim yet? I mean, really talk?"

"Simon, it's not that easy," Blair pointed out to him and peeked at Jim, who was staring at the office. Damn, Jim was listening in on their conversation! He should have known! "Does Jim have a stakeout tonight?"

"No, you won't have to drive along…" Simon whispered thoughtfully, suddenly realizing the same thing Blair had. "It's rude to eavesdrop, Ellison."

Jim jerked back, apparently focusing on his work again. Why wasn't he marching in there, demanding some time alone with Blair? Damn, he wasn't good at this emotional stuff! He dialed down his sense of hearing and concentrated on the report he was typing.

"You really should talk to him, Sandburg," Simon insisted. "I've never seen you this… distant." It surprised him that Blair was capable of maintaining this distance, knowing how much Sandburg cared for Jim.

"He doesn't see a problem, Simon." Blair turned around and shrugged his shoulders. "To Jim, everything is crystal clear. He brought me back, retrieved the nerve gas and stopped Alex."

"I don't believe that," Simon remarked firmly.

"Simon, she killed me and he wanted to make love to her… It's my problem that I can't deal with that." Blair slowly paced the office. "I think he loves her."

Resolved, Simon shook his head. Suddenly, he realized the real problem. "You feel betrayed."

"Of course I do," Blair whispered, "But he'll never see it that way." Simon looked at him expectedly, but Blair didn't know what to possibly add. "When he brought me back I hoped he realized Alex was no good for him. But when we got to Sierra Verde he got really territorial about her, wanted to protect her. I saw them kissing on the beach after I left the church."

"I didn't know that," Simon acknowledged. "But Jim cares deeply about you."

"As his Guide, maybe." Fatigued, Blair rubbed his brow. "But that changed as well. Face it, man. Jim is the one with visions. He doesn't need me. Name one moment he needed my guidance when we were in Sierra Verde. I don't know one."

The sad tone attracted Simon's attention and he hated hearing it. "Is that why you refused to go back to the loft?"

"Part of it," Blair admitted. "He packed my stuff and told me to get out. He doesn't want me there."

"He did that to keep you safe."

"But it doesn't work that way," Blair sighed annoyed. "If that's the real reason for making me leave it just shows that he doesn't trust me. He could have told me about the vision, could have warned me. I would have taken that warning seriously."

Simon realized he wasn't making any progress. The kid needed time to work through this. "You're going to help Jim type those reports? I need them this week."

"Sure, captain." Blair moved towards the door. "Would you like me to make dinner tonight? I want to do something in return for you letting me stay. I can even pay rent…"

Simon cut him short and got to his feet. "You're a friend, Blair. Don't worry about rent."

Hearing that admission made his heart thump. "Didn't know you cared, Simon." Man, it felt good to know someone cared, understood what he was going through instead of just ignoring it!

Simon stayed near his desk, feeling uncomfortable. "I might not say it often, but I think you're an asset to the team, Sandburg and…" Simon told himself that the kid needed to hear it. "I almost lost it when you died at the fountain."

"Thanks, man. Hearing that means a lot to me," Blair blushed weakly. It's more than Jim had ever admitted. "Sorry I scared you like that."

"Jim and I kept going. We didn't want to let you go, Sandburg. When the paramedics gave up… I'm glad you didn't see our faces. Megan was really upset too." Had someone told the kid how they had reacted when the paramedics had pronounced him dead?

"And Jim?" Blair's voice turned into a whisper.

"Sandburg, why don't you ask him that yourself?"

"He brought me back, didn't he?" Blair sighed, remembering their shared vision.

Simon forced himself not to tell Blair that Jim had lost it when it had become clear that Blair was dead. He'd pulled Jim away from Blair's corpse trying to get through to his detective to tell him Blair was dead. He would never forget the terror in Jim's eyes.

Blair peeked at Jim's desk and found it empty. "When I woke up in the hospital I wanted to tell him everything, Simon, but when he walked in his defenses were all in place. I wouldn't get through no matter what I said."

"Why don't you go home, fix that dinner you promised me and give this some time? Maybe Jim will come around once he realizes…" //that he's about to lose his best friend,// Simon finished privately.

"Great," Blair shook himself from his musings. "Do you like Italian food?"

"Sure," Simon replied and took his seat behind his desk. "But I've got no idea when I'll make it home."

"I'll put it in the oven." Blair's hand reached for the doorknob. "Thanks again for letting me stay."

"Don't get sentimental on me," Simon growled. "Now get out. I've got work to do."

///

Jim watched Blair leave from a distance. The younger man probably didn't have a clue that he was closely studied. Jim clung to the heartbeat, which grew weaker with the increasing distance. Blair's behavior puzzled him and he couldn't figure it out.

Maybe Blair would come back if he apologized? Apologized for what? For kicking him out? For not confiding in his Guide in the first place? For wanting Alex after she'd killed his best friend?

"Should apologize for all those things." So what kept him back? He couldn't bear the thought of opening up like that. He remembered being honest with his dad and the disapproval that had stared back at him. His dad's reactions had taught him to keep everything inside. He'd never again gone to his dad for comfort when something had upset him. As a little boy he'd missed that closeness, hugs he never received. Maybe it was too late for him to change?

"But then I'll lose Blair." The thought hurt. He listened to the now distant roaring of the Volvo's engine and discouraged he returned to his desk.

///

Blair looked at the ingredients for his lasagne and smiled. Yes, this was one of his favorite dishes and he planned on using all the veggies on the kitchen counter! Stifling a yawn he looked over at the couch. If he got started now he could take a short nap while the lasagne was in the oven. How decadent… taking a nap during the day! It had been ages since he'd done that. Maybe he could find his favorite CD's in the two boxes he'd brought with him and just pretend everything was fine for a few minutes. Actually, that sounded just right.

He prepared the lasagne and put it in the oven. Next, he returned to his room and rummaged in the boxes. Yes, that was his CD player and inside was his favorite CD! He removed his shoes and returned to the living room. Sitting down on the couch he kept an eye on the oven from there.

Hitting play, he grew calm as the new age music drifted into his mind. Slowly, he lay down and stretched his legs. Closing his eyes he tried to focus on something pleasant, hoping to achieve a meditative state that would relax him. He didn't even realize that he fell asleep.

///

A burst of fire exploded in front of his eyes and Blair cocked his head. What had he gotten himself into this time? Last thing he remembered was snoozing on the sofa in Simon's living room! So how had he gotten here and where was here?

"Oh, man. I'm back in the jungle…" he mumbled in disbelief. "I really need to get this out of my system!" The fire died, leaving behind large clouds of smoke and he coughed. "Can't believe my subconscious is this creative."

"You've got a sense of humor… good."

The voice made him spin around. Incacha stepped away from the smoke and smiled. "Not again…" Blair sighed. "Yes, I whined about not having any visions, but this… why now?"

Incacha gestured him to come closer and he studied the younger man who still had much to learn and yet knew everything without realizing it. It was his place to guide Blair, to make him see what he'd pushed away for too long, but it wouldn't be an easy task. "Because this is your time."

"I won't get a straight answer from you, will I?" Blair realized and fell into step next to the taller Chopec.

"The answer lies in your heart, it always has," Incacha insisted as he led the younger man back to the campfire. "Sit."

Blair obeyed, not in the least surprised to find the wolf already there, apparently waiting for him. The fire in front of him felt warmer today, almost scorching his skin and he wanted to pull away.

Incacha stopped him. "What do you fear?"

"The fire might burn my skin."

"Do you fear the fire?"

"Well, I guess anyone would. Quite a devastating force," he pointed out to Incacha, who smiled amused. Displeased, the wolf growled and bared his teeth.

Incacha raised his right hand, extended his arm and his fingertips made contact with the fire.

Blair's eyes widened and his first impulse was to pull back Incacha's arm before the fire burned the skin. But something kept him from moving and entranced he stared at the whole fingers. The fire licked, almost caressed the skin, but didn't scorch it. "Oh man," Blair whispered stunned.

Incacha showed him the palm of his hand, inviting Blair to put his hand in his.

"No way, man!" Blair stated shocked. "If I put my hand in there it will burn my skin."

Incacha didn't react verbally, but his eyes compelled the younger man to follow his lead, to trust him.

"I must be mad," Blair stuttered lost. His right hand hovered near the fire, feeling the burning heat. He could do this… he had to do this.

"Fire's part of who we are, what we are," Incacha explained, hoping Blair would find the courage to take this step. "It burns in our bodies, is part of us. You don’t need to fear yourself. Embrace this power and take it within yourself."

"Oh shit," Blair mumbled and already closed his eyes in anticipation of the pain that would shortly follow as he thrust his fingers closer to Incacha's. He cringed as the heat seeped through his skin, penetrated his bones and in his mind his skin turned black.

"Open your eyes. Don't fear your powers," Incacha said softly, admiring this young man's trust and courage. Yes, he'd chosen well!

The lack of pain surprised the hell out of Blair and his eyes flashed open. They fastened on their joined hands. Incacha's fingers were loosely curled around his. The skin however was intact. "What? I don't…" he choked out. The fire was real! His instincts told him that his hand should be burned!

"You fear too much and desire too little," Incacha pointed out to him. "Only merging with Enqueri's animal spirit showed you the truth. You're jealous."

Unable to take his eyes from their hands, he nodded his head. No use in denying the truth. "Feels like Jim's a Sentinel and a Shaman!" He couldn't hide the hurt and disappointment in his voice. "I feel empty."

"Because you've cut yourself off from life." Incacha observed him closely. "Tell me what you want."

"I want to be a Shaman. Jim's Shaman… not a fraud. I feel like a fraud. I'm supposed to be his Guide… how can I guide him?" He fought back the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. "After you died… I kept hoping I… would change, would inherit your wisdom, your powers…"

Incacha chose his next words carefully. After all, this was only the beginning of Blair's journey. "A Shaman is born in the fire of his soul. But when he denies what he really is, the power dies slowly."

"But I want it! Always wanted to be a Shaman!" Blair protested fiercely and tried to pull back his hand, but Incacha wouldn't let him.

"Tell me what you fear," he repeated his earlier question.

"Disappointing Jim." Blair gave up. Incacha would push him into telling the truth. "Being a failure as a Shaman," he admitted at last and released his tears. Ashamed, he averted his eyes and stared into the fire, suddenly intrigued by its raw power. "Jim really looks up to you. He…" Words failed him. "I can never follow in your footsteps."

Incacha leaned in closer to whisper into Blair's ear. "You haven't even begun to discover your powers." A smile filled with remorse flashed on his face. "You're his true Guide."

Blair finally found the courage to look Incacha in the eyes. "I'm a fraud."

"No, this is my mistake," Incacha insisted. "I hoped that you'd find your way without my guidance." Seeing the tears flow down Blair's face didn't surprise him. "You're so strong, so gifted… I should have known you would doubt yourself."

Blair's face contorted hearing Incacha's words of praise. Strong? Gifted? Yeah, right! "You should find Jim a new, more suitable Guide."

"No one else will do. The spirits chose you."

"The spirits lost their minds then!" Blair cringed at Incacha's disapproving glance.

"Your first assignment, Inqucha. Meditate. Watch the flame. Study the fire until it obeys you."

"Uh, I hate to say this, but you're talking gibberish," Blair choked out, feeling the pull back to reality. The spirit plane faded, Incacha faded and the wolf leaped to its feet and disappeared in the jungle.

"Find yourself in the flame."

Incacha's words followed him back to reality and suddenly he realized that someone was shaking him, trying to wake him.

"Blair!" Simon called out urgently. This was the second time he'd found Blair mumbling in his sleep.

"Sorry, Simon, must have dozed of. It's not like me, man, to fall asleep like that."

Simon waved it away. "You probably needed the sleep." Studying his guest he decided it was time to address something that bothered him. "Don't get up. The food can wait. First, I want to talk." He smiled. Sometimes it felt like Blair needed a dad and the older man couldn't help but reach out. He'd helped raise Darryl and hadn't done too bad a job, at least he thought so. Maybe he could let his parenting skills loose on Sandburg as well?

Blair elbowed himself into a sitting position and waited patiently. "Talk about what?"

"I checked with the hospital today. They never released you, Sandburg. Actually, they urged me to bring you in for a check up."

"Oh that," Blair said relieved. As long as he didn't mention Incacha in his sleep he would be all right. "Had to go after the two of you and Megan…"

"Stop avoiding the matter," Simon bellowed annoyed. "You should have gone to the hospital when we got back!"

"I'm fine, Simon." Blair felt a sting of irritation. "I don’t need medical attention."

"So what do you need, Sandburg?" Simon asked quickly. And he'd thought talking to Daryl was hard! Maybe he should give Blair the third degree instead of trying to reason with him?

Blair licked his lips. His mouth was suddenly dry. "I can't have what I need."

"Jim?" Simon took an educated guess. "I'm not blind!" he chided Blair who gave him a nervous glance. "I see what's going on. Hell, everyone at Major Crime knows!"

"Know what?" Shit, this wasn't going as planned. Simon should stay out of this! Blair ran a hand through his hair, trying to hide behind the curls.

Simon sighed. "You should discuss your feelings with Jim, not me."

"I can't do that. As far as Jim is concerned there's nothing to discuss." Blair got to his feet and headed for the kitchen. "Can we drop this now?"

"If that's what you want, Sandburg." Simon followed and sat down at the kitchen table. Being served dinner was a rare treat and the lasagne looked mouth watering. As he dug in for his first bite he contemplated his next words. "Jim has a stakeout tomorrow night."

"I'll be there," Blair promised. //But I doubt he'll need me,// he finished privately.

Simon needed a distraction now that tension had set in. "What the hell were you talking about in your sleep, Sandburg? Study fire?"

Simon's words catapulted him back to his dreams. "Don't worry about it, man. I'm just having crazy dreams since… since the fountain."

Damn, this lasagne tasted good and that red wine was really something! "Nightmares?" Simon inquired concerned. His protective streak showed, as he looked at the young man seated opposite him. Over the years Blair had become a good friend, even though he didn't say it often enough.

"No, they're not nightmares. I guess my subconscious needs to deal with everything that happened and is doing that in its own way." Blair poked the food on his plate. Suddenly, he'd lost his appetite. "Just don't mention the dreams to Jim."

Now, that remark attracted Simon's attention. "Why not?"

Blair shrugged his shoulders, taking another bite. "Can't explain it." Blair shifted uneasily in his chair. //Maybe because this is something that's happening to me,// he thought possessively. He didn't want to share Incacha's presence with Jim. This felt personal and he'd waited for it to happen for so long. //Come on, man!// he chided himself. //You know it's only your subconscious and not Incacha visiting your dreams for real.// But the dreams comforted him and he needed them right now.

"How are things at Rainier?" Simon decided not to push. Blair was entitled to the time he needed.

"Okay. I'll get my classes back in a few days. I'll start again on Monday." He looked forward to that, sitting here idly wasn't like him.

"Blair?"

Blair looked up at the surprisingly tender tone in Simon's voice. It didn't happen too often that the captain addressed him like that. "Yes, Simon?"

"Do me a favor and have that check up tomorrow at the hospital?"

"Sure," Blair found himself saying. Damn! Simon had learned to push his buttons!

"Good and now pour me another glass of that wine." He usually had a beer when he got home and settled down to read or watch TV, but this wine was a nice change.

Blair smiled, glad that dinner was turning out this well. "Sure, captain!"

///

Later that evening when he returned to his room Blair uncovered the journal. There was so much he needed to write down, but at the same time he really felt tired. Ever since he'd died some of his old stamina had left.

#August,13th

I'm still dreaming of Incacha and it's starting to worry me. Okay, I understand that my subconscious is acting up, but how do I stop this from happening? It can't be healthy that I'm so desperate to have a vision that I'm now making them up myself. I wonder… when I go to sleep tonight, will I have another dream? I'm not sure I want that.

I also faced Jim today. He was so angry! I bet he doesn't even have a clue why I'm now staying with Simon. I don't really know what to do about this. Since Sierra Verde his senses seem even stronger, but so does his control. I feel obsolete. Jim doesn't need me. Picking up my stuff at the loft was hard. Just being there brought back so many memories, mostly good memories.

It hurts being alone. Yes, Simon's really trying to make me feel welcome, but I don't belong here. Tomorrow I'm going to find a place to stay and tomorrow night I have to go on a stake out with Jim. Man, that's going to be awkward. Should I try to get him to talk about Alex or stay clear of the subject? This is so confusing and I'm not even thinking about the assignment Incacha gave me. Yeah, make the fire obey me… This is nuts!#

He put the journal back into his backpack and took a quick shower, avoided his reflection in the mirror and slipped into some sweats. He just wanted to crawl underneath the covers and close his eyes, but a sharp tap against his window surprised him.

Curiously, he walked over to the window and opened it. In the corner he found a black bird, which looked at him intensely. "Hello there," Blair whispered softly as he realized the crow was injured. "What happened to you?" Its left wing hung useless down its body. "Broke your wing?"

Blair rolled his eyes. "Great going, man. Now you're talking to a bird!" But the crow eyed him trustingly. "Want me to help you?" Blair carefully extended his right hand, expecting the bird to take off the moment he got too close. But the crow remained calm, allowing itself to be caught and Blair gently pulled it inside. "Maybe I can find the things I need in the kitchen."

Surprised, he realized that the crow trusted him. It didn't even struggle when he tenderly stroked its feathers. Back in the kitchen he retrieved the things he needed to fix the wing while the crow remained motionless on the kitchen counter. "You can't really fly like this," Blair muttered absentmindedly and he was so absorbed in his task that he didn't hear Simon enter the kitchen.

"What are you doing with that bird, Sandburg?" Simon growled surprised.

Blair jumped and the crow leaped from the counter, frantically trying to get away. "Simon! You startled it!"

Amazed, Simon watched as Blair crawled after the bird on all fours. The tone of the younger man's voice soothed the crow and it calmed down so Blair could carry it back to the kitchen counter. "Well, I'll be damned!" Simon muttered softly. //What the hell's going on with you, Sandburg?//

///

"Are you comfortable in there, little friend?" Blair smiled at the crow sitting in one of the boxes, which he'd unpacked. Simon had supplied the newspapers to keep the bird warm and it definitely seemed at ease.

"What are you going to do about this, Sandburg?" Simon remembered a 10-year-old Daryl who'd brought home an injured mouse and had then spent the next weeks nursing it back to health.

"I know it's a nuisance, Simon. Hopefully, I'll find an apartment this week and we'll be gone as quickly as possible. But I would really appreciate it if the bird could stay for now…" It still surprised him that the crow had allowed him to tend to its injuries. He'd put the wing in splints, hoping it would heal properly. "Tomorrow I'll buy some bird seed…"

"Well, sandwiches seemed fine too," Simon mumbled amused, remembering the crow had almost devoured a large pile of breadcrumbs. "You think we can get some sleep now, or should I expect more unannounced visitors?"

"Hey, Simon, I didn't know it was out there!" Blair said defensively.

"It's okay, Sandburg," Simon replied quickly. "Get some sleep and we'll check on it in the morning."

"Thanks," Blair whispered sincerely. Simon left his room and Blair sat down on his bed watching the tired bird. "You need a name." Okay, what was a good name for a crow? "Maybe I should just call you Tweety!"

The crow gave him a menacing look and Blair chuckled. "You don't like that?" Blair took a moment to search his mind. "What about Jimmy? Or Daffy?" he whispered and the crow cawed disapprovingly. "You don't like those either? What about… Blackie?"

This time the crow remained quiet as if considering the name worthy.

"You like it! We found you a name, Blackie! At least this way I won't be alone tonight," he added suddenly saddened. He didn't really want to go to sleep and let his subconscious play mind games again.

Lying down he tried to keep an eye on his little guest, but the black eyes were closed. "Better try and get some sleep myself." He pulled up the covers and closed his eyes, determined not to dream of Incacha.

///

"Now what?" he sighed exasperated. "Maybe I should give up sleeping?" Looking about he quickly realized that he wasn't in the almost familiar jungle. It was dark here and there were no animal noises, which usually told him Incacha had pulled him onto the spirit plane. "This could be bad," he knew instinctively.

Moving forward he cursed as he banged his toes into a heavy object. "Why can't my subconscious provide me with a light switch?" Suddenly, a beam of murky light fell in front of him and he identified the object blocking his path. He'd banged his foot against a wooden chest. Slowly his eyes adjusted to his surroundings. A full moon supplied the light, casting its beams through the windows.

"Damn, this is the loft!" he realized with a start. He stood in the living room, TV shut down, all lights out and yet… soft breathing came from the couch. "Oh man, why am I doing this to myself? I'd rather be in the jungle!"

Unable to resist the pull he walked towards the sofa. He already knew who slept over there. A single beam of moonlight touched Jim's face, showing new lines deeply etched onto his brow. Soundlessly, he sneaked closer, devouring the sight in front of him. "Jim, you've got no idea how much I miss you," he whispered, reckoning that Jim couldn't hear him in this dream state.

He kneeled next to the sleeping man and cocked his head to study Jim's expression. The Sentinel was soundly asleep, but had to be uncomfortable on the couch. "Why didn't you go to bed?" he wondered and raised a hand to caress Jim's face. Now that he was this close his heart beat with unrequited love and desire.

"You've got no idea how much I love you, big guy," he said affectionately. "And I can't ever tell you. But I'll be there when you need me, I promise," he whispered softly as his fingertips brushed against Jim's brow. "I love you so much, Jim."

Jim stirred underneath his fingers and Blair jerked back, leaping to his feet. "Just stay asleep," he prayed fervently. His prayer seemed granted when Jim moved about but remained asleep.

Acting even more cautiously now Blair sat cross-legged on the floor and studied the man he loved. "You need someone to watch over you, Jim? Did you call me?" He desperately wanted to believe that. "Don't let it be my subconscious playing games again…"

But no matter what had brought him here, he was contented to look at that handsome face and to listen to the steady breathing. Hesitantly, he rested his right hand on Jim's chest, craving to feel his friend's heartbeat. "You'll be fine without me, Jim. You don't need me. It's time to let go."

Jim turned onto his right side and now faced him. Blair swallowed hard as the blankets moved down to reveal a muscular chest. "I want it all, Jim. I want you as my lover and I want to be your Shaman. I know it won't ever happen, but I can't settle for less. I'll always treasure this moment. When I lived here you always had your defenses up, but now… I love you, Jim Ellison." The words were filled with sadness. "I hope Incacha will find you a better Guide. He's quite irritating, you know? Insists I'm your true Guide. But don't worry, I'll convince him to see things my way."

With infinite tenderness he leaned in closer and placed a chaste kiss on his friend's brow. "Always wanted to do that, but you chose Alex and… it's okay. That's your choice. I just have to learn to live with it."

Fighting back his tears he tried to store Jim's peaceful expression in his mind. He didn't want to forget the openness on his friend's face. "Want me to sit with you?"

He didn't expect an answer and he didn't get one. Instead, he curled his fingers around Jim's and held on for the rest of the night, softly chanting the words Incacha had burned into his mind.

///

Jim woke, feeling truly rested for the first time since Blair had died and had come back to life. He yawned, rubbed his eyes and then sat up. Looked like he'd fallen asleep on the couch last night. His senses kicked in, telling him something had happened during the night. First, he concentrated on his sense of hearing, catching a few fleeting Chopec words. It almost felt like picking up on a distant memory still hanging around in the loft.

Not yet satisfied he focused on his sense of smell, dialing it up. "What's that?" he whispered absentmindedly. Since Alex had forced that herbal concoction down his throat his senses had heightened even more. It almost smelled like… like Blair?

With a start he jumped to his feet. That scent hadn't been nearly so strong last night when he'd fallen asleep! What had happened during the night to make it stronger? "Chief? Are you here?" he called out, wishing Blair would emerge from his room to tell him he was back.

But only silence answered him and puzzled he shook his head. The scent was stronger! A lot stronger! Annoyed at being unable to solve this mystery, he walked into the kitchen to prepare breakfast. As he opened the cupboard his eyes locked on the herbal tea Blair had accidentally left behind. It reminded him of his failure. "Damn Chief. Why did you have to leave?"

He sighed deeply and listened to the reassuring sound of the coffee maker. Tonight. He would get his chance to talk to Blair tonight during the stakeout. But what would he say? He almost felt like he should rehearse their upcoming talk.

After pouring himself a cup of coffee he moved back to the couch and switched on the TV to watch the morning news. Rehearsing their talk was useless. The words didn't come to him.

What did he want? Blair back, that one was easy. What was he prepared to do to get the man back? That was harder. "Tell him my side of the story?" He was tempted to give Blair a call and ask him to meet him for lunch, but he didn't want to push his friend. No, tonight would do.

He shook off the feeling that something had happened last night that had slipped his attention and he walked over to the bathroom to take a quick shower. Still drying his skin he climbed the stairs to his bedroom. However, he froze as he passed Blair's room. Longing and emptiness coursed through him, but he recomposed himself and walked on.

It only took him a few minutes to dress and he caught himself whistling as he sat down on the sofa in the living room. Blair's scent was strongest here and he was reluctant to leave, treasuring that scent and the echo of Chopec words.

"I could use some guidance now, Incacha," he said in a pleading tone, but the Chopec Shaman remained quiet.

After eating breakfast, he grabbed his keys and was about to leave when his eyes caught the second pair of keys in the small basket. He'd noticed that the boxes and the Volvo had been gone when he'd gotten home last night, but not that Blair had left his keys behind. His fingers caressed the metal objects and then he slipped them into his pocket. He planned on returning them to his friend later tonight. Determined to finally address this unease between them, he left for work.

///

"I got you something to eat," Blair announced and put a handful of birdseed and breadcrumbs onto the bottom of the box. "You need to eat."

The crow accepted the food and swallowed quickly. Amused, Blair smiled. It felt good to be able to help the animal. "Blackie," he mumbled softly.

Interested the crow looked up, but then resumed eating. Blair chuckled and checked on the wing. "You trust me, don't you?" he realized with a start. That shouldn't come as a surprise. Animals had always liked him.

"I've got to go to work now, pick up some notes and lesson plan. You'll behave, won't you?" He smiled. It almost looked like the crow had just nodded its head.

God, he felt good today. Last night's dream had been so amazing, so comforting. Just sitting at Jim's side had soothed him. He no longer wondered about his subconscious, simply enjoying the pleasure last night's dream had given him. It had felt so good to be close to Jim. He blushed slightly, remembering the tranquil expression on Jim's face. It had been a unique experience.

"Oh damn, we've got that stakeout tonight… I hope I won't lose it." Blair picked up his backpack and briefly closed his eyes. "Don't let me screw up tonight."

///

Jim sensed Blair's heartbeat the moment his Guide entered the station and a wicked grin appeared on his face. Tonight, he wouldn't take no for an answer and Blair would tell him what bothered him.

"Jim?" Simon noticed the grin and didn't like the smug expression on the detective's face. "Blair's here?" he realized after a moment's thought.

"Yes, sir," Jim confirmed. "Thanks for arranging this stakeout."

"Just don't tell the kid I assigned you instead of Brown. I've got to live with him!" Simon said teasingly. "Settle this. I hate to see my best team and best friends behave like this."

"I'll do my best, sir," Jim promised and focused on the doorway. Sentinel vision picked up on Blair's form the moment Blair left the elevator. There it was, the scent he'd smelled this morning. If he hadn't found Blair's keys he would have sworn the younger man had been inside the loft during the night. But no, he would have heard him.

Feeling a little nervous Blair entered the room and nodded friendly as Brown, Rafe and Megan waved at him, all engaged in phone calls or busy typing reports. It felt good to be here. His steps faltered a little as he saw Simon and Jim waiting for him.

"Sandburg, I guess I have to order out tonight?" Simon joked and enjoyed seeing the weak blush on the young man's face. "You're not going to cook dinner for me tonight?" He couldn't help it. He loved to tease Sandburg.

"Could you feed the bird, Simon?" Blair asked pleadingly. "He needs the food."

"Bird?" Jim interrupted. "Got a new pet, Captain?"

"No, actually it's Sandburg here who has a new pet. A crow with a broken wing."

"I tried to splint its wing," Blair explained and fumbled his backpack.

"Sure, I'll feed it." Simon left them alone, wondering which one of the two men was more nervous. "Rafe and Brown will relieve you at 0600. And don't wake me when you get home, Sandburg!"

"He's afraid to miss out on his beauty sleep," Blair chuckled, hoping Simon couldn't hear him and he gave Jim a wink. "And he needs it!"

"I heard that, Sandburg!"

"Shit," Blair whispered softly, but chuckled nonetheless. "So where are we going?"

Jim grabbed his coat and gestured Blair to follow him. "Cascade General Bank. We received an anonymous tip that someone plans on robbing the vault, but we don't know the details."

"They must be crazy to think they can get away with that!" It was surprisingly easy to slip back into the old routine. "You think they'll make their move tonight?"

"Our informant thinks so."

They walked to the garage and got into the truck. They drove away in silence, each man busy pondering their own thoughts. It was a 15-minute drive and Jim chose a spot from where they had excellent view of the entrance. The security guards were already checking the premises, knowing someone of Major Crime was keeping an eye on the building.

"Want some coffee?" Blair offered hesitantly. "It'll only take me a minute," and he pointed out the coffee shop opposite the bank.

Jim accepted the peace offering. "Would love some."

Relieved, Blair got out of the car and got the coffee. As he handed Jim his coffee he also presented a donut.

Questioningly, Jim raised an eyebrow. "No lecture on the sugar and fat? Normally you go ballistic when I try to eat something like this."

Blair shrugged his shoulders. "I know you love them. It's none of my business." Last thing he wanted was to annoy his partner.

Suddenly, Jim couldn't stand the sight and smell of the donut. Blair's answer was so out of character that he wrapped up the donut and put it away. "We need to talk, Chief."

"We've got work to do," Blair reminded him and pointed at the building. "Don't want anyone to slip through." This was what he'd been afraid of. Jim didn’t have a clue what was going on and would only make things worse.

"We could sit here all night and nothing happens," Jim said firmly, not allowing himself to be sidetracked. "You left your keys at the loft." He uncovered them and put them in Blair's lap. "I want you to keep them."

"Why? What's the point, Jim? I'm not coming back."

"Tell me why, Chief, 'cause I don't know what the hell's going on!" Jim exploded. "I thought everything was solved!"

"Nothing is solved!" Blair insisted vehemently. "You made your decision and I've got to learn to live with it!"

"What decision?" Mystified, Jim tried to lock eyes with him. "What are you talking about, Chief?" Blair laughed and the hurt tone chilled his bones. "What decision?"

"You chose Alex." Blair gritted his teeth. He'd never wanted to say that!

"I chose Alex?" Jim repeated stunned. "Is this about her?" Finally, he managed to catch Blair's evasive gaze. "No, talk to me, Chief!" he pushed on as Blair tried to avert his eyes. "Explain this to me."

"What's there to explain?" Blair asked saddened with a hint of anger in his tone. "She killed me and you made out with her on the beach? Looks to me like you made your choice."

"Here you go again, Chief. I never chose her!" Truly confused, Jim shook his head. "I told you that I couldn't resist the attraction! I never wanted her in that way!"

"Yeah, and I'm supposed to believe that?" Blair sighed embittered. "I don’t want to talk about this. It won't solve a thing. I just need to get to terms with this."

Jim's thoughts raced, trying to figure out what Blair wasn't saying. "What else bothers you? Just tell me, Chief!" He wouldn't let go before he knew the truth!

"You kicked me out of the loft… what was the real reason?" Blair asked resigned as his anger faded and only the sharp sting of betrayal remained behind. "Was it to clear the way for Alex so she could move in?"

This time Jim's jaw nearly hit the floor of the truck. "What? I can't believe I'm hearing this!" Anger threatened to take over, but then he saw the hurt and disappointment in Blair's eyes and that calmed him down. Blair didn't deserve his anger. His friend had done nothing wrong. "I wanted you safe. I… had this dream…"

Blair looked up "Dream?" He leaped onto that morsel of hope Jim threw him.

"I was in the jungle and… I killed a wolf and it changed into you…" Jim confessed awkwardly, closely watching Blair. "I was afraid for your safety. I couldn't bear the thought of you being close, of being in danger…"

"You should have told me, man." Blair couldn't meet Jim's eyes and stared at his hands.

"Does it change things between us?"

"I don't know, Jim."

"Blair," Jim reached out and placed his right hand on his friend's arm. "I never wanted you to move out, but it was the only way I knew to keep you at a safe distance. I know I hurt you, but… your safety was too important to me."

As if burned Blair jerked off Jim's hand. It'd burned through the fabric of his clothes. "You should have told me about the dream." Stubbornly, he stared at the black coffee in his hand, still too hot to sip.

"Where did you get the idea that I wanted Alex to move in with me?" Jim wanted to know. This really puzzled him.

"Face it, Jim. You're both Sentinels. I can't compete with her." He wished those words had never left his lips. //Please don't let him figure this out!// he prayed privately.

"Blair, you're my best friend. Why the hell do you think you have to compete with her? She's a criminal!" Too late he realized that he was doing the one thing he'd been afraid of, opening up.

"Call me crazy, but it definitely looked like you wanted her on the beach and later in the temple." This time Blair failed in keeping the jealousy out of his voice.

At a loss, Jim shifted in his seat and drew in a deep breath. Blair's erratic heartbeat was much too fast and the younger man shivered. Blair's answers confused him. Keeping one eye on the building, he suddenly noticed the shadows moving closer to the building. "We've got company," he informed Blair and called Simon.

Blair sighed relieved. Jim was getting much too close to the truth! "You think it's them?"

"Yeah, I think so." Jim updated his Captain. "Simon, I can see two other men moving over the rooftops heading for the bank. Send backup."

"Understood, stay put and don’t move before the backup arrives" Simon ordered.

Jim rolled his eyes. If he did that, the perps would get away. "You stay in the truck, Chief. Tell the backup what's going on when they arrive."

"You can't go in there alone!" Blair objected. "What if you zone?"

"I won't."

Jim's convinced tone proved Blair's point. He was right. Jim no longer needed him. "I'll stay here." No point in tagging along.

With his gun in his hand Jim left the truck and sneaked closer to the building. The door was open and he moved inside. The security guards were unconscious and he noticed the nearly untouched tea on the desk. He sniffed, immediately recognizing the sedative someone had administered.

Soundlessly, he sneaked up the stairs, his sense of hearing guiding him. The bank robbers weren't in the basement where the vault was, but on the first floor. Why?

He never realized he was being watched.

///

"Stay in the truck, Chief," Blair repeated Jim's words listlessly. Like there was a reason for him to leave it! Jim no longer needed a Guide. Crossing his arms in front of his chest he waited for backup. What was taking them so long?

Suddenly, he doubled over as a terrible sense of foreboding sliced through him. Gasping for breath, terror rolled over him. Jim! Jim was in danger! He didn't question this knowledge. All he knew was that he had to protect his Sentinel! Within seconds he ran across the street and entered the bank. He ignored the unconscious security guards and wondered where to go next. Where had Jim gone?

Upstairs, Jim cursed mentally, registering the familiar heartbeat thundering underneath his feet. He'd told Blair to stay in the truck! Well, he should know by now that Blair didn't listen to him and a sly smile crept over his face. That was exactly why he loved the man. //Hold on… love him?// Revelation tugged at the edges of his mind, but suddenly his nose picked up another familiar scent. This one urged him into action. He smelled plastics! This place was going to blow and that meant Blair was in danger! But then the voices of the bank robbers drifted closer. His instincts prevailed and he turned to head back to Blair.

"Now!"

The word took him by surprise, but he caught the click that set of the explosives. "Blair!" he screamed in an effort to warn his Guide.

His name tore through the silence and Blair halted in his tracks. "I'm coming, big guy."

"No!" Jim replied, picking up the distant words. "Stay clear! Get out of…" The explosion killed his next words and the impact threw him onto the floor. Damn! He'd turned up his sense of hearing and sight and now they crashed on him, tearing him apart. He screamed out in pain as his eyes drowned in blackness and all sounds around him vanished. He'd been through this before, and helplessness overwhelmed him. He was blind and deaf and didn't have a clue what was going on! In the back of his mind he prayed Blair had survived the explosion.

Blair pushed himself closer to the wall when the pressure the explosion had created rolled over him. He closed his eyes and held on for dear life. Judging it safe again, he quickly scanned the corridor. A wall of fire presented an impossible barrier. On the other side was Jim, huddled in the corner, both hands clutching his head. Damn, that explosions had crushed his senses!

"Hold on, Jim. I'll find a way to get to you," he whispered lost. The fire was gaining, stealing closer to Jim and leaving him no way out. Blair slipped out of his coat and tried to put out some flames, trying to create a corridor that would enable him to get to Jim, but the fire was resilient and grew even stronger.

Blair muttered helplessly, realizing the smoke suffocated Jim. Staring at the wall of fire he felt useless. Jim needed him and now he couldn't get close. Even worse, if backup didn't arrive soon, the fire would burn Jim alive! He couldn’t let that happen!

//The fire can't hurt you. It lives inside you. Reach out, touch it and make it obey. Trust your powers…//

Blair shook violently hearing Incacha's voice. He quickly looked about, but he was alone all right. "I'm not sure I can do this, Incacha," he objected weakly. "I don’t want him to die and I will…" My God, the sudden insight left him stunned. "And I'll gladly die with him, for him, but…"

"I'm losing my mind," Blair sighed resigned. "Okay, tell me what to do."

Blair bit his lower lip, feeling scared. "I've got nothing to lose," he whispered and took a step closer to the fire. He drew in one last deep breath and then thrust himself into the flames. He expected pain, fire burning his skin, tearing him apart, but instead he only felt… ecstasy. The flames danced around him, creating an ancient dance, moving to a forgotten rhythm and he was part of it. Entranced, he moved with them.

The ecstasy filled his mind, supplied his body with courage and energy and with closed eyes he continued to walk. The flames only reluctantly released him and he woke up from his trance like state. Worried, he kneeled beside Jim, taking him into his arms. "You're safe, big guy. Can you hear me, Jim?"

"Blair?"

Blair sighed relieved. "We're going to make it, Jim. I'll get you out of here." He noticed the door to their right, formerly obscured by the smoke. He reached up and tried the doorknob. Yes, it opened and a stream of fresh air washed over them. "Can you get to your feet, Jim?"

"I can… try." Jim's voice sounded hoarse from the smoke and he pushed himself up from the floor. He'd dialed up his returning sense of hearing and barely heard Blair's voice. His eyes however, still refused to co-operate. He licked his dry lips and whispered, "Get us out."

Blair cast one last look at the fire and briefly he saw Incacha, standing amidst of the flames, smiling at them. He shook off the image and guided Jim into the next room, closing the door behind him. He uncovered his cell phone and called for an ambulance. Jim coughed and was about to lose consciousness again. A moment later Simon's voice roared in his ears.

"Where the hell are you? Sandburg, answer me! Don't tell me you're inside that hell! They blew up half the building!"

"We're on our way out. Jim's hurt. I can’t talk right now." Blair terminated the connection and worried, he watched the smoke crawl underneath the door.

"Chief? What are you doing?" A violent cough followed the question. He couldn't believe Blair had managed to find him! The last thing he remembered was the explosion deafening his senses!

"I need help, Incacha," Blair whispered, hoping Jim's hearing was still impaired. He didn't want Jim to find out about Incacha, but… alarmed, he forgot to breathe. Did this mean he hadn't imagined those visions? That his subconscious hadn't supplied them?

A growl sounded to his left and Blair's head jerked back. It was the wolf! "Hold on, Jim… you can do that for me, can't you? Hold on!"

Jim vaguely nodded his head. "I'll try," he whispered, throat and lungs still suffering from the smoke. He felt Blair's body next to his, felt the warm and the strength and briefly he panicked. What if they couldn't get out of this hell? What if the fire consumed them? What if it killed Blair? He was supposed to protect his Guide and now he was helpless.

"Lean on me, Jim. Everything will work out. I can see the wolf and he's going to lead us outside."

Blair's words calmed him a little. "See… the wolf?"

"Yes, my animal spirit and now stop talking… you need your breath!" Blair chided him.

Although it only took them 5 minutes to leave the building they seemed like hours to Blair who struggled to drag Jim with him. Jim needed oxygen, needed medical attention and Blair sighed deeply the moment they stepped onto the street. "Simon? Over here!"

"I'll be damned!" Simon whispered pleased and gestured the paramedics to follow him. "Are the two of you all right?" Stunned, he stared at Blair's scorched clothes.

"I'm fine, Simon, but Jim…" He released Jim into the care of the paramedics and leaned heavily against the wall. For the first time he looked up and stared at the hurricane of flames that were devastating the building. "Can't believe we made it out alive."

Jim breathed in pure oxygen and allowed the paramedic to fasten the oxygen mask over his nose and mouth. "Blair?" he whimpered, on the edge of passing out. He needed to know his Guide was safe.

"I'm here, Jim." In an unguarded moment he took hold of Jim's hand and soothingly rubbed the knuckles. "We're safe."

"Next time…" Jim whispered in a pained tone. "Don't listen to me… when I tell you… to stay in the truck."

Blair smiled affectionately. "I never listen. You should know that."

"We’ve got to take him to the hospital," the paramedic announced. "You can ride along."

"You want me to, Jim?"

"Yes," Jim whispered through the oxygen mask and then fainted.

"Simon, can I…?"

"Get going. I'll deal with this mess," and he pointed at the building. "Take care of your partner, Sandburg."

"I will."

///

Blair remained quiet during the drive to the hospital. His fingers were still curled around Jim's and he refused to let go. The paramedics assured him that Jim would be fine once the smoke had left his lungs.

"You're going to be just fine, Jim," he whispered, more to comfort himself than his partner. Only now the events caught up to him.

//I really walked through that fire… and I'm still alive!// How had he accomplished that? During his search on the web he'd never encountered an experience like this. Maybe it was all a crazy dream and he would wake up in a moment?

But looking down at his clothes he knew it had really happened. His clothes were partly burned and stank of smoke. A curl danced in front of his eyes and he realized that the fire hadn't scorched his hair or skin.

//Why am I surprised? For crying out loud, Jim brought me back from the dead! What's a little fire walking compared to that?// He shook his head, fearing he was going mad.

///

"Sandburg? The doctor wants to have a look at you too," Simon said determinedly as he entered Jim's room. "He also told me you didn't have that check up you promised you'd get."

"I'm fine, Simon," Blair whispered softly, unwilling to wake Jim. An oxygen tube allowed the oxygen to flow freely into tortured lungs. "I've got to be here, Simon. You know how he reacts to certain types of drugs."

"You already told the doctor that and they wrote it down." Simon came to stand in front of his friend. He had a lot of questions, but those could wait. "I'll stay with Jim if you let the doctor have a look at you."

"All right then," Blair reluctantly gave in. "A change of clothes might be a good idea too." He looked at the scorched clothes. Hopefully they wouldn't ask him why he didn't have a single burn on his body. "Did you feed Blackie?"

"Your little pet is doing okay. Now go and see a doctor!" Simon sat down at Jim's bed and gestured Blair to leave the room.

Reluctantly, Blair walked up to the doctor who'd been trying to get him into an exam room since they'd arrived and endured the medical examination and questions. Luckily, the doctor seemed rather pleased with his present condition and after changing into some sweats, which the doctor supplied, he returned to Jim's room.

Simon nodded his head approvingly. "That's better."

"The doc let me go, Simon. I told you I was fine." Blair sat down on the hospital bed and reclaimed Jim's hand. "I wish he'd wake up."

"He will," Simon reassured him. "What happened in there?"

"There was an explosion, Simon. It must have short-circuited his senses. He was barely conscious when I got to him."

"And you got him out?" Simon looked at Jim, wishing his detective would wake up to supply him with additional information.

"Yes, I did." Blair avoided talking about Incacha or seeing his spirit guide, unsure how Simon would react to that. "Do you know when they're going to release him?"

"They plan on keeping him here overnight. Probably tomorrow."

"I want to stay here," Blair said resolved. "I'll take care of him."

"I'm sure you will," Simon got to his feet, walked over to Blair and rested a hand on the young man's shoulder. "Anything I can do to help?"

"Just look after Blackie for me?"

Simon nodded his head. "I'll be back in the morning to check on both of you." He turned to leave, but then added, "We've got one perpetrator in custody. We'll find out what they were after!" But Blair didn't acknowledge his words, too enthralled watching Jim sleep. Simon grinned smugly and headed home.

Blair pulled a chair closer to the bed and sat down, never taking his eyes off Jim's face. "You're going to be just fine, Jim." Placing his arms on the side of the bed he slumped forward and rested his head on them. This little stunt had worn him out and he felt drained. His eyes slowly dropped shut and he gave in to exhaustion.

///

"You passed your first trial," Incacha said approvingly. "You did well, Inqucha."

Blair wasn't surprised to find himself seated at the campfire. He'd kind of expected being pulled onto the spirit plane when he'd fallen asleep. "I really did it, didn't I? I walked into the fire."

"Yes, you did." Incacha studied him. "Your love encouraged you to take that step." He noticed Blair's stunned expression.

"You know that…"

"That you love him?" Incacha finished for him. "The spirits approve."

"The spirits?" Blair said with a hint of amusement.

Incacha leaned in closer, hoping this chosen one would understand. "Sentinel and Guide are one. Tear them apart and each soul withers slowly. But Sentinel and Shaman forge a bond that can't be broken, not even in death."

Blair struggled to understand, but failed. "Are you telling me that the Guide eventually evolves into a Shaman?"

"Not all Guides. Some don't possess the necessary inner strength. But you're truly gifted. The fire's strong in you and the spirits protect you. Don't fear the spirits, Inqucha."

Blair swallowed hard, still wondering about Incacha's words. There were so many things he needed to ask, but first, "You called me that before… Inqucha. What does it mean? Why do you call me that?"

"It's your Chopec name," Incacha said affectionately and allowed himself to smile. This young one was a source of delight. He hadn't smiled this much for a long time. It could get lonely on the spirit plane and he found himself looking forward to each of Blair's visits.

"My Chopec name? Inqucha?" He spoke the name hesitantly. "Does it have a special meaning?" He felt shy all of a sudden, touched that Incacha had given him a Chopec name. It meant a lot to him that the Chopec Shaman thought of him as a member of their tribe.

Incacha's smile turned into a grin. "It means 'child of fire.' I think it suits you."

"If it hadn't been for you I… couldn't have done it… walk into that fire. Jim would be dead now." Blair looked up apologetically. "I failed him."

A puzzled expression appeared in Incacha's eyes. "Why do you think you failed him? You saved his life."

"But I needed you to… guide me, talk me through it…" Blair averted his eyes and stared into the flames, which now held a new fascination.

"Inqucha, let me explain the old ways to you." Pleased, Incacha noticed that the wolf crept closer to the young man and then rested his head in Blair's lap.

Blair swallowed hard, as yellow eyes locked with his. His hands moved instinctively and stroked the warm fur. "I'm listening."

"In the old days a Shaman sought out his successor and trained the chosen infant in the way of the Shaman for years, guiding the adolescent through puberty. As an adult the new Shaman would work together with the teacher for many years until all knowledge was passed on to the chosen one. You had to do this on your own. You never had a teacher who taught you the old ways."

"Doesn't make me less of a failure," Blair sighed deeply. "I don’t know why I'm bothering to figure this out."

"You feel disconnected, cut off from your Sentinel. You need to restore the bond, which Enqueri broke." Incacha nodded his head. "Sentinel and Shaman need each other. Love binds you."

"But Jim doesn't love me," Blair said softly, his protests weakening. He was about to give in due to pure desperation.

"Did you ever ask him?"

"I can’t ask him!" Blair's eyes widened. "Hey, Jim. I love you… by the way, do you love me too? Incacha, during these last three years we've been friends, nothing more and then there's…"

"The spotted Jaguar," Incacha said knowingly.

"Yeah, Alex." Blair didn't know what he felt. The anger was still there, but had subdued. "Jim told me he didn't want to feel attracted to her. I don't know what to believe. I saw them kiss."

Incacha saw the confusion in his blue eyes and sighed. This was also his mistake, not solely Jim's. "In the old days two Sentinels mated to ensure offspring. The tribe would raise the children, who would be Sentinels and take over the older Sentinels' responsibilities."

"So it was a… sexual thing?" Blair asked, curiosity mingling with discomfort.

"A sexual urge to mate so the tribe would never be without a Sentinel. Yes."

"I never read anything like this in Burton's book," Blair said apologetically, appreciating the fact that Incacha trusted him with this knowledge.

"You haven't asked about the Shaman's part in this," Incacha pointed out to him.

Blair remained quiet, wondering if the Shaman actually had a part in this.

"Shaman and Sentinel mate for life. Sentinel and Sentinel mate for the moment, their paths different." Incacha wished Blair had found his way to the spirit plane earlier so he could have explained all this. "A Sentinel is only allowed to mate with another Sentinel with his Shaman's explicit permission. If he mates without the Shaman's permission, the bond between Shaman and Sentinel is broken. If the Shaman can't forgive the Sentinel for this breach of trust the tribe will declare the Sentinel an outcast for there has to be love and trust between them."

Blair's eyes were big as he stared at Incacha. "I never knew the Shaman was this important, had such…"

"Power?" Incacha supplied. "The Shaman leads the tribe. The Sentinel protects the tribe. But the Sentinel can only protect the tribe with the Shaman's guidance. The Sentinel is a warrior who needs his Shaman's connection to the spirit plane."

"I never knew…" Blair repeated softly. He startled slightly as Incacha moved to sit closer to him. The Shaman's fingers suddenly tangled in his hair. "What are you doing?"

"You passed the trial of fire," Incacha reminded him. "More trials will follow…"

"You still didn't tell me what you're doing," he whispered nervously. It felt like Incacha was braiding strands of his hair. Colored breads lay on the ground in front of Chopec.

"Don't fear changes. Embrace them," Incacha adviced and continued to braid the curls, adding colored beads to the braid. "Your soul is that of a Shaman. Don't be ashamed to show that." After he'd finished he studied the braid. "You can hide it," he said slowly and pulled curls in front of the braid. "But I hope you aren't ashamed of your heritage."

"I…" Blair started, but then closed his eyes as the spirit plane started to fade. Slowly, he drifted away into undisturbed sleep.

///

A heavy weight had settled onto his chest and curious to find out what it was, Jim opened his eyes. The first thing he noticed was the oxygen tube. Had to mean his lungs were still contaminated by the smoke. Experimentally he breathed in deeply. That was no problem, expect for the weight, which made it a little harder.

//Blair?// he thought surprised and smiled, genuinely pleased to find his friend this close. Blair was asleep and some time during his sleep his head had come to rest on Jim's chest, using it as a pillow. Face turned towards him, Jim enjoyed the peaceful expression on his friend's face.

//You're handsome, Chief. Hey, where did that come from? Oh yeah…// The revelation that had hit him last night during the stakeout quickly returned. //I love him just the way he is… I love Blair…//

Why hadn't he seen it before? Why had it taken all this to open his eyes and see, really see, Blair Sandburg's inner beauty? Blair had done so much for him! Three years ago Blair had saved him from insanity when his senses had gone berserk. His Guide. His true Guide! Incacha had been right. All he needed was Blair.

//I need to tell you so much, Chief. I need to tell you that I never chose Alex. I chose you, but I was too scared to allow that truth in. I need to tell you about my vision in the temple when Incacha told me to find the light that would chase away the darkness.//

It took all his remaining strength but he managed to lift his right hand. Displeased, he noticed the IV attached to the back of his hand. Damn, he wanted out of this hospital! He needed some privacy to talk to Blair!

//Take this slow, Ellison,// he chided himself. //Kid still thinks you're in love with Alex! And how did he ever reach that conclusion?// Jim finally found the courage to look within his soul. //I kicked him out, told him he destroyed the trust between us because he never told me about Alex and… I'm such a jerk! No wonder he thinks I don't trust him and that I don't want him around. But that's going to change!//

Gently, trying not to wake Blair, he caressed one curl, running the strand of hair through his fingers. God, this felt so good! Suddenly, he was no longer in a hurry to leave the hospital, provided Blair remained this close. He grew a little bolder, now tangling his fingers in the luxurious hair. Carefully, he dialed up his sense of touch, amazed at the sensations running through his fingertips. If Blair's hair felt like this, what would Jim experience running his fingers over his Guide's skin?

//Denial and repression. I'm too good at those. I'm such a fool. I chose not to see his love.// Grinning, he realized he was growing aroused. //Down boy, go back too sleep.// Relieved, he pushed deeper into the mattress now that his arousal faded again. They needed to talk first. "Come on… Chief… wake up."

Blair stirred in his sleep, slipping away from Incacha and closer to Jim, whose words called him closer. Slowly, he opened his eyes and stared into Jim's. Those steel blue eyes kept his gaze prisoner and he couldn't pull away. "You're awake," he finally managed.

Jim nodded his head, unable to speak as Blair's eyes revealed the love he'd always suspected lingered there. //I've been so blind! For a Sentinel a real achievement,// he thought sarcastically and all this time he'd hurt Blair.

Suddenly, Blair realized that his head rested on Jim's chest and he jerked back, afraid he'd added to Jim's discomfort as the older man clearly had trouble breathing. "I'm sorry," he apologized and leaned back in the chair.

"Water?" Jim asked softly. His throat ached, but he needed to talk to Blair.

"I'll get it for you." Blair took hold of the glass filled with water and got to his feet. Awkwardly, he pressed the glass into Jim's hand. Jim spilled some water as he tried to drink. Acting on instinct Blair supported his friend's hand with his and helped him empty the glass. "Feeling better?" he inquired as he refilled the glass.

"Yes. You've been… here the entire… time?" he managed in a raspy tone.

Blair sat down again, keeping a comfortable distance between them. His hair fell in front of his face, hiding his features. "Someone has to keep an eye on you."

"Thank you." Jim watched him closely, wondering what the hell was different about Blair.

"What for?" Blair's eyes begged for an explanation.

"For saving my life… My senses crashed… and you got me out… Thanks, Chief." This conversation reminded him of one he'd had only a week ago, but back then it had been Blair thanking him. "I don't know… how you managed to get me out… but thanks."

Blair blushed weakly. "You did the same thing for me, man."

"No, that was not the same thing… I didn't risk my life… to save yours." Jim's eyes searched his face. What was different? His sight wasn't back to normal yet and he gestured Blair to come a little closer.

"Why?" Blair asked hesitantly, but complied nonetheless.

"Different…"

"I'm different?" Blair raised an eyebrow. "What are you trying to tell me, Jim? You should rest and not talk to me. The doctor will never let you go if he catches you talking to me. I promised to let you sleep."

"Stop babbling… Chief," Jim chided him affectionately. He clearly noticed the tremors running through Blair's body as his fingers returned to caress the curls. Unexpectedly, his fingertips encountered something that didn't belong there. "What's…this… Chief?"

Surprised, Blair's hand joined Jim's and they briefly touched. Blair quickly pulled back.

"A braid? Beads?" Jim whispered surprised. He had never seen Blair wear his hair like this before and he would have missed it, hidden underneath the curls, if his eyes hadn't caught sight of the beads. "Incacha… wore those beads… too," he whispered affectionately.

"What are you talking about?" Blair pulled away from Jim's fingers as he wanted to see for himself. Jim was right, he realized startled. Incacha had braided that strand of hair and had added the beads in his dream and now it was still there? Even after he'd woken up? Man, this was so weird!

Jim noticed his friend's stunned expression and decided not to question him further. Instead he whispered. "It suits you… Chief."

Blair hardly heard the words. He had to remove that braid! "What did you say?" he asked, hoping Jim hadn't said something important.

"I said that… I like it. You should… keep it that way." Jim felt stronger now, but also tired. "I'm going to fall asleep again… Chief… go home and get some sleep too?" It never occurred to him that Blair no longer saw the loft as their home and was now staying with Simon.

"Want me to pick you up tomorrow and drive you to the loft?" Blair asked tentatively. The anger Jim had displayed earlier in the truck seemed gone. Maybe they could remain friends after all?

"I count on you… to be there," Jim whispered fatigued and tried to give him a wink. "You said… you'd be there for me," he played his trump.

"I keep my promises, Jim," Blair assured him. "I'll be here."

///

"You need to get some sleep, Sandy," Megan stated compassionately. "Simon asked me to drive you home. Jim needs you rested tomorrow." She walked up to him and smiled, seeing the warm expression in his eyes. "You talked?"

"Not really, but it's a start," Blair admitted. "Can't I stay here?"

"Jim's in good hands, Sandy. You really need a shower, food and rest… Simon insisted I drop you off at his place."

Reluctantly, Blair gave in. Megan wouldn’t stop until she got her way. He squeezed Jim's hand one more time and then got to his feet.

"You look tired," Megan couldn't help it and stroked a stray curl behind his ear, noticing the braid, but didn't mention it.

"I feel tired." Blair allowed her to take his arm and led him to the car. "Does anyone know what they were after? Not the vault."

"No, we're still questioning the perp we caught. Simon thinks they were after computer files, inside information."

"Why the explosion?" Fatigued, Blair slipped into the car and sat down.

Megan joined him and started the engine. "Maybe they noticed you blokes hanging around and they wanted to ensure a safe retreat? We'll find out."

"Jim's doing better," he updated her. "The doctor will probably release him tomorrow afternoon."

"Are you going back to the loft?"

"No."

Megan shook her head. These two men were so bloody stubborn! "We never really talked about Jim being a Sentinel."

"I should have hidden Burton's book. Leaving it behind was negligent."

"Sandy…what's your role in all this?"

"You don't ask easy questions," Blair sighed. "I thought I knew, but things changed."

"Because of Alex?" She nodded her head. "I'm not blind, Sandy. You love Jim."

"Yes… I guess I feel inadequate."

As she drove up to Simon's house she gave him a probing look. "Why is that, Sandy?"

"I'm not a Sentinel… Alex is."

"Then I'm back to my original question," Megan said firmly and turned off the engine. She stopped Blair when he wanted to get out of the car. "What is your role?"

"I was his Guide… I helped him gain control over his senses."

"Was?" The distant expression in his eyes worried her.

"I'm having visions, Megan," he admitted reluctantly. He shouldn’t tell her, but he trusted her, had trusted her from the beginning. "In these visions I'm talking to a Chopec Shaman, the man who first helped Jim. His name is Incacha and…"

"Calm down, Sandy. We've got time." Reassuringly, she rubbed the back of his hand. "These are 'good' visions, I hope?" She knew some Aborigines whose culture breathed mysticism and believed Blair when he said he was having visions.

"Yeah, I suppose so. Incacha tells me about the old ways, about Sentinels and Shamans and…"

Megan smiled wickedly. "So that's your part in this? You're a Shaman?"

"I don't know, Megan." Blair met her eyes. "He keeps telling me I'm one, but…"

"Have you told Jim you're having these visions?"

"No."

Megan gave him a disapproving glance. "Why not?"

"I want to. I will. I'm waiting for the right time," Blair quickly assured her.

"Glad to hear that. Now get some sleep, Sandy."

Blair smiled warmly at her. "You're a good friend, Megan."

"Thanks, you're a great friend too, Sandy."

"But I wish you'd stop calling me that!" Blair said good-natured and got out of the car. He waved good-bye and then walked up to the house. Apparently, Simon had been waiting for him, because the captain opened the door.

"You look like shit, Sandburg." And the kid smelled of smoke and fire. "Take a shower and get some sleep."

"Blackie?" Blair walked towards his room, deciding that a shower could wake until tomorrow morning.

"Doing fine," Simon reassured him. "And yes, I fed him!"

"Thanks, Simon."

"Get some rest, kid and don't worry about Jim. He'll be back to being a pain in the ass tomorrow."

"I hope so," Blair replied smugly and closed the door behind him. Feeling tired, he dropped onto the bed. The crow stirred from its sleep and gave him a hard look. Moving carefully, it managed to jump up onto the bed.

"I take it that means you missed me?" Blair felt relaxed and cautiously, he extended a hand to stroke the black feathers. The bird allowed it. "You're feeling better," he realized pleased. He picked it up and put it back into the box.

Walking into the bathroom he decided to take that shower after all. He wanted to get rid of that appalling stench. Slowly, too tired to rush, he stripped and then stood beneath the warm shower beams. As he reached for the shampoo he suddenly remembered the braid.

He felt reluctant to remove it. Incacha had braided his hair and it seemed disrespectful to go against the Chopec's wishes. It didn't really bother him, so maybe he should keep it that way. Jim had liked it.

As he closed his eyes, he remembered Jim's body pressed into his during their escape from the burning building. Waking up later in the hospital with his head on Jim's chest had felt even more intimate. His groin stirred and he moaned his desire. Unable to stop himself he ran his hands over his chest, down to his erection. No other man had ever made him feel like this. Only Jim…

He imagined that Jim's hands caressed his skin, touching his erect cock, stroking it. Arching his back, he released a soft yelp as he hardened even further. Aching for relief he increased the speed with which he pumped his cock, fisting it roughly.

"Please, Jim," he begged, voice filled with passion and desire. "I want you so badly." He rolled a hard nipple between his fingertips and bit his lower lip. "So close… Jim." Just saying the name increased his need. Oh, to feel Jim's hands on him, touching him, stroking him… taking him, finally claiming him!

That thought drove him over the edge and he shot his cum into the beam of warm water. His body trembled and he leaned heavily against the wall. Damn… he shouldn't do this. Not in Simon's home!

Suddenly he felt cold to the bone and the water washed away the evidence of his desire. His fantasies were always the same. Just thinking about Jim taking him, thrusting, making love to him brought him to orgasm.

His eyes swam with tears as he grabbed the soap to lather up his body. He couldn't help but feel ashamed about his fantasies, which included a straight man he could never have. "I'm so pathetic," he sighed softly. The image of Jim and Alex making out on the beach burned his thoughts and he scrubbed his skin harder, trying to wash away his desire.

///

Soundlessly, Simon pushed the door ajar to check on his guest. "You should be asleep, Sandburg!"

Blair looked up from his book. He'd wanted to reread some of Burton's passages, trying to find evidence for Incacha's words. "My eyes are dropping shut. Don't worry about me, captain. I'll be asleep within the hour."

Simon approached the bed, pulled up a chair and sat down after casting a glance at Blackie, who watched him with curious eyes. "Are you worried about Jim?"

"Jim will be fine. He experienced sensory overload, but his system is already repairing the damage." Blair removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Simon, why did you ask me to stay with you?"

Simon never expected that question. "I hate the idea of you being stuck in a hotel room, kid. You need your friends around."

"And that's because?" Blair put the book away and pushed himself into a sitting position, which made it easier to lock eyes with Simon.

"You died, Sandburg, and dealing with Alex's influence on Jim must be hard on you." He laughed at Blair's amused expression. "I'm a cop, kid! Give me a little credit for figuring everything out!"

"I never realized I have so many friends." Blair smiled warmly. "At least something good came out of this."

"You've got a lot of friends, kid." Simon got back to his feet and switched off the light. "Bedtime, young man! And if I catch you reading again…"

"Should I be scared?" Blair asked jokingly.

"Ask Daryl!" Simon countered. "I caught him a few times playing Nintendo during the night!"

Warm laughter flowed through the room and Blackie cawed as well, adding to their mirth.

///

"Rise and shine!" Simon called out at Blair's door. "I made breakfast… you better appreciate it!"

Blair's lips were already curled into a smile as he opened his eyes. Last night he'd spent seated at Jim's bed… in his dreams. But at least he knew now that Jim had had a good night's sleep as well.

Blackie croaked, hungry and demanding attention. Blair reached out and gathered the bird in his hand. "You're getting an attitude." The crow stared at him and Blair laughed. "Okay, I'll get you some bird seed and breadcrumbs. And yes, I won't forget to give you fresh water!"

Feeling rested and energetic he slipped into his clothes and first cared for the crow. Then, he splashed some water onto his face, shaved and headed for the kitchen. The smell of bacon and eggs made him hungry.

"I don't do algae shakes!" Simon said teasingly and piled bacon and eggs onto Blair's plate, adding toast and orange juice.

"Jim told you?" Blair looked questioningly at his filled plate. "That's tons of fat, man!"

"Eat!" Simon ordered and joined him, sipping from his coffee. "If you're a good boy I'll tell you what the doctor said when he called early this morning."

"You don’t play fair," Blair accused and with a sigh he started to eat breakfast. Surprisingly enough he managed to empty his plate, never realizing how hungry he really was.

"I learned some tricks while raising Daryl." Simon leaned back and studied his guest. "Good boy," he remarked teasingly, noticing the surprised look on Blair's face. "Guess you never thought you could eat that much."

"You're right, Simon and you know what? It didn't taste that bad!"

"Better than an algae shake?"

"Yeah, but the shake is healthier." Blair went along with the teasing, but grew impatient. "What did the doctor say?"

"Jim's condition has improved during the night. You can pick him up at 13.00 hours."

Blair quickly checked the time. That meant he had two hours left. He could make a quick stop at Rainier to get his things organized. He should check his notes on the lectures he had to give next week. "You want to come along to the hospital?" he asked Simon.

"No, I'll be stuck at the station most of the day." Simon rose from the chair and got the files he needed. "I trust you to take care of your partner, Sandburg."

Blair smiled. "I will."

///

Nervously, he kept stealing glances at the door. The nurse had told him that Blair would pick him up in thirty minutes and he couldn't wait for his friend to get here. He'd been thinking most of the morning about how to regain Blair's trust. Eventually, he'd formed a plan. He decided to take things slow for now, but he was determined to get through to Blair. Damn, why had it taken him so long to see the truth? Now he had to fix this mess and that wouldn't be easy.

"Can I come inside? I know I'm a little early."

Blair's voice stirred something in his soul and he quickly whispered, "Yes." The nurse had removed the oxygen tube this morning and except for some coughing the smoke no longer bothered him. "You're taking me home?" //First step, making the loft our home again.//

"That's the idea." Blair moved over to the bed. Jim still wore a medical gown and Blair presented the clothes he'd brought. "Picked these up at the loft."

//Good,// Jim thought pleased. //That means you kept the keys after all!// Shifting in the bed he raised an arm and accepted the clothes. "Give me a moment to get dressed."

"Do you… need help?" Blair offered, feeling equally nervous. "I can call a nurse." Seeing Jim awake and healthy reassured him. Did Jim have any idea how close he'd come to death last night?

"I can manage…" Jim whispered with a smug grin on his face.

"I'll be back in five. I need to find out if the doctor signed your release papers," and Blair fled the room before he had to face a naked Jim.

Jim chuckled and slipped into the jeans and sweater. It felt great to wear regular clothes and not that stupid gown! He put on his socks and shoes and then cautiously got to his feet, testing his balance. Pleased, he walked out of the room and headed for Blair who was talking to a nurse. "Let's get out of here, Chief."

Blair nodded his head, thanked the nurse and fell into step beside Jim. "They want you to come back if you develop respiratory problems."

Jim heard the words, but didn't react. He was too focused on Blair's too rapid heartbeat. Why was Blair nervous?

"Hope you don't mind riding along in the Volvo. I know you don't like me driving the truck, so…" Blair opened the car doors and slipped onto his seat.

Jim joined him and released a deep breath. "It's good to be out of that hospital, Chief. It gives me the creeps."

"I know. I feel the same way, remember?"

Jim studied him as Blair pulled the car out of the parking lot. The braid was still in place, a fact that pleased him. Okay, he had to be subtle about this if he wanted to succeed. He had to keep Blair off balance. "I'm going down to the station later today to find out if they got any information from the perp they caught. Are you coming along, Chief?"

Blair concentrated on driving through the heavy traffic. He didn't have any plans for this Thursday. "I guess I can come in for a short while." He wasn't sure being this close to Jim was a good idea. His body was waking up and his mind fed him beautiful images of time spent together.

Jim smiled a secretive grin. "We could have dinner together at the loft tonight. I'll cook." So far, so good…

"I'm not sure that's… that's a good idea," Blair stuttered surprised. Jim's mellow mood took him aback as he pulled up to the loft.

"Come on, Chief! Just to thank you for saving my life at the bank! Without you I'd be dead now!"

"You'd have found a way out," Blair said softly and turned off the engine. "You're home, Jim."

"Are you coming upstairs for a cup of coffee?" Jim pushed, not taking no for an answer. He was determined to make this work. Blair's resistance however, surprised him. It almost felt like Blair was scared to take this step. //Maybe he's scared I'm going to hurt him again?// He couldn't blame Blair for thinking that.

"I need to be at the University on time. I'll see you at the station later," Blair said firmly, avoiding Jim's eyes. His hands did their best to crush the steering wheel.

Jim decided to let Blair set the pace. "I'll see you later then? And we're on for dinner?"

"Jim…" Blair finally locked eyes with him. What he saw in Jim's blue eyes amazed him; trust, affection, longing. //He never looks at me like that!// he realized and quavered. What the hell was going on? "Are you feeling okay, Jim? Or is the smoke still bothering you?"

"I'm fine. Dinner at eight," he decided and got out of the car. "Thai food okay?"

Still baffled, Blair nodded his head once. "Sounds great." Was it just his imagination or was Jim coming on to him? Nope, just his imagination. Jim liked women, not men!

"See you at the station!" Jim chuckled the words as he walked away from the Volvo. He still had a few hours to carry out his plans for tonight and this time, he promised himself, Blair would open up to him.

///

Slightly shocked, Blair remained motionless behind the wheel. //Okay, I'm going to have dinner with him tonight. That's it. No big deal. We had dinner before. There's nothing special about tonight!//

Blair drew in a deep breath and started the engine again. He needed to prepare the lectures he would give on Monday, pick up some papers he had to grade and… not look at the fountain.

A stabbing pain moved through him. Every time he drove up the University it was there, the fountain where he'd died. He couldn't look at it without panicking, but he forced himself to pass it by, not to avoid it. Instinctively he knew that he could only work through what had happened by facing it.

A wolf's growl brought him back to reality, focusing on the traffic again. His spirit guide felt incredibly close these days and without knowing it, his right hand reached for the braid. Why had Incacha done that? Braided his hair? This journey frightened him, dabbling with powers he couldn't understand and he needed Jim so badly.

But at least the animosity between them was growing less and they were actually making the effort to talk, really talk. Hopefully, dinner would go well. He couldn't bear the thought of losing Jim a second time.

///

Nervous was the only word that described Blair's current state of mind. //Or no, panic, that might even better!// Blair thought miserably. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt like this. //It's the uncertainty,// he realized, //not knowing what to expect from Jim.//

Things were changing again and he wasn't sure how much more he could take. Jim's dinner invitation had come as a complete surprise. And this afternoon, when he'd helped Jim type the report concerning last night's events, he could have sworn Jim had kept stealing glances, watching him whenever Jim had thought he could get away with it.

"What's going on with you, Jim?" he wondered aloud as he changed his clothes. He slipped into some jeans, white t-shirt and blue flannel shirt. Briefly, he considered tying back his hair, but didn't really know what to do about the braid. In the end, he shrugged his shoulders and allowed his curls to remain loose.

"You're getting better," he mumbled and Blackie cawed his agreement. Blair was surprised when the crow managed to climb up the bed. It then used its beak to climb even higher and settled down on his right shoulder. "What do you think you're doing?"

Blackie seemed very comfortable on his shoulder and resisted when Blair tried to gather him carefully in his hands. "You want to stay there?" he whispered doubtfully. "I can't take you with me, Blackie." But the crow remained stubborn and refused to move.

"Got a problem, Sandburg?" Amused, Simon watched them from the doorway. The crow had taken quite a liking to Blair. "You're not going to get rid of him."

"Simon? Help me?" Blair tried one last time to get hold of Blackie, but the crow cawed a warning. "I can't have dinner with Jim like this!"

Blair had told him that Jim had invited him over for dinner and Simon hoped the two men would manage to patch things up. "Looks like you'll have to take him with you."

"I can't! What will Jim say?" Blair considered his options. "Maybe it's just Blackie's way of telling me that he wants to go outside and be released? The wing should heal without complications and he can come back for food."

Simon chuckled, catching Blackie's smug expression. Something about the crow struck him as odd and the way it sat on Blair's shoulder… it almost looked like it had taken its rightful place, like it belonged there.

"I better get going, don't want to be late…" Blair grabbed the sake he'd bought earlier that day, not wanting to appear at the loft empty handed. "Simon, why am I this nervous?" Shit, had he really said that?

Simon's chuckling grew louder. "You're in love… this could be considered a date, Sandburg."

"You can't be serious!" Blair exclaimed and Blackie buried his claws deeper into the shirt, surprised by the sudden movement. "This is not a date!"

"Why isn't it?" He enjoyed pushing Blair's buttons and didn't feel like stopping. The kid was too damn easy to embarrass! "Jim dated men before so…"

Blair swallowed hard. "Simon, what did you say just now?"

"Must have been… four years ago. Surprised the hell out of me to find out Jim was bisexual. Didn't bother me, but it took me time to get used to see him date a guy." He read Blair's expression correctly and quipped, "You didn't know that?"

"Simon… man… I'm so confused right now! I always thought… assumed… that Jim was… like straight," he muttered embarrassed.

"People can surprise you, you know." Simon walked up to him and pushed his guest towards the doorway. "Get going, Sandburg and I expect a full report when you get back!"

"You don't…" Blair muttered big-eyed.

"I'm only teasing, kid…" Simon let him of the hook and shoved him outside, then closed the door.

Blair shook his head and suddenly realized he stood next to his car… and Blackie still sat on his shoulder. "Looks like I can't convince you to let me go on this… 'date' alone?"

Blackie cocked his head and tapped his shoulder with his beak, as if to tell him to get moving. Sighing, Blair slipped into the Volvo and drove to the loft.

///

"I hope he likes it," Jim whispered, nervously straightening out the tablecloth for the umpteenth time. Were the candles lit? Check. Was soft music playing in the background? Check. Was the food in the oven? Check… He didn't know what else to do to make this evening special and he hoped this wouldn't overwhelm Blair, but he wanted to make this evening memorable.

He'd made one of Blair's favorite dishes, low fat, healthy and had steamed the fish. Nervously, he walked over to the mirror in the bathroom and checked his clothes. He wore a sweater Blair had once given him for his birthday and hoped it would help to get the message across. "This is a new beginning," he stated convinced.

The doorbell surprised him and he hoped it wasn't Simon or another unannounced visitor. He wanted to spend tonight with Blair. As he opened the door, he frowned surprised. "Chief, why didn't you use the keys?" He cocked his head, seeing the crow on his friend's shoulder. The bandaged wing reminded him that Blair was taking care of the bird. "You brought a guest?"

"Blackie refuses to leave my shoulder," Blair said apologetically.

"Get inside, Chief. I'm hungry."

The moment Blair entered the loft, Blackie moved and managed to fly over to a bookshelf where he contentedly settled down.

Blair gave the bird a probing glance, wondering why it insisted on tagging along. Suddenly, he felt Jim's hand at the small of his back, guiding him to the set table. The candles and soft music made the insides of his stomach flutter and he wondered if he would be able to keep his first bite down.

"You didn't have to do this… Take out would have been fine too." Why was Jim's hand still on his back? Come to think of it, why was Jim this close? Why the music and the candles? Had Simon been right? Was this a date? Hadn't he imagined Jim come on to him earlier that day? Had he been right about that? What the hell was going on?

Stunned, he sat down and watched Jim carry the food to the table. "I brought the sake," he whispered and allowed Jim to open the bottle and fill their glasses.

"Hope you're hungry, Blair."

Hearing his name spoken in such a tender tone sent shivers down his spine. Jim usually called him Chief. "What's going on, Jim?" he couldn't help but ask, as he felt lost. And was that the sweater he'd given Jim last year? Why was Jim wearing it now?

Nervously, Jim licked his lips. "I want to talk to you." This wouldn't be easy, but he could do this. "But let's eat first?"

"What do you want to talk about?" Blair asked hesitantly. An unexpected ominous feeling washed through him and he forced himself to take a bite. Jim was a great cook and he wished he could appreciate the food more, but his stomach suddenly did somersaults.

Jim repressed a sigh, noticing that Blair avoided his eyes. //Slowly, take this slow,// he reminded himself. "About us, Blair."

"There's no us," Blair replied calmly.

The words cut through his heart like a dagger and Jim needed a moment to compose himself. //I'm doing this all wrong!// He allowed both of them a moment to recapture their thoughts and they ate in silence. He limited himself to one glass of sake, knowing from previous experience that sake strongly affected him if he drank too much. Blair hadn't even touched his glass.

Seconds turn into silent minutes and Blair forced himself to remain calm. Every now and then he glanced at Blackie who gave him encouraging looks. "This tastes great, Jim," he complimented his friend, breaking the awkward silence.

"Thanks. Want to move this over to the couch?" Jim got to his feet, picked up the tea he'd made earlier and carried it to the coffee table. It was one of the tea blends Blair had accidentally left behind. Hopefully, it would soothe their nerves a little. With a heavy heart he watched Blair sit down on the other side of the sofa, maintaining distance. He handed Blair a cup of tea.

Blair tried hard to control the tremors rocking his hands. He didn't want Jim to see how nervous he was. Jim confused him and he didn't like being out of control. Best way to regain control over this situation was to take the initiative. "What do you want to talk about Jim? I already told you there's no longer an us."

Blair's words didn't scare Jim. He knew what he had to do. "You remember the vision we shared when I brought you back?"

"How could I ever forget?" Blair remarked sarcastically. That vision hurt and comforted him at the same time. It seemed a mockery of what they could have been, one.

"What do you think it meant?" Jim leaned back, studying Blair. What would it take to convince the anthropologist that Jim was in love with him? Jim would find out.

"How am I supposed to know?" Blair whispered defensively and sipped from his tea. He didn't want to discuss this.

"You're the Guide," Jim reminded him, "Guide me."

"You no longer need a Guide." Blair put down the cup of tea and considered leaving, but knew that wasn't an option. They had to talk about this.

Jim raised a puzzled eyebrow. "What do you mean? Of course I need you."

"When was the last time you zoned, Jim? When was the last time you needed guidance? It was Incacha who guided you in Sierra Verde, not me!" Jealousy no longer showed in his voice, it was sadness now. He couldn't be mad at Incacha, not after getting to know him on the spirit plane.

"I need you," Jim repeated firmly. "I won't let you leave like this. You're creating this distance between us and I don’t like it." Jim waited for Blair's reaction, challenging to finally show some real emotion, drawing him out.

"I'm not responsible for this distance between us." Blair drew in a deep breath, barely hanging onto his calm.

"You're referring to Alex?" Jim finally saw the opening he needed.

"Yes." Stubbornly, Blair refused to elaborate. His cold fingers curled around the hot teacup and he wished he had the courage to just get up and leave.

"Do you remember finding me in the temple after she forced that herbal concoction down my throat?" Jim moved a little closer and pried the cup from Blair's fingers. After Blair's nod he continued. "I called out to Incacha when I thought I was losing my mind."

"That proves my point!" Blair whispered, wondering why his bitterness vanished. Maybe it was the gentle caress of Jim's fingers, which now curled around his hand. He considered pulling away, but craved the contact too badly. "I'm a failure as your Guide."

"No, you're not, Blair," Jim objected softly. "But please let me say this without interrupting me? It's hard enough as it is."

"Fine." Blair waited patiently for Jim to continue, but couldn't figure out just why Jim's fingers were rubbing his knuckles.

"I had a vision and it only showed me death, pain and destruction. I didn't know how to fight it and called out to Incacha for help." Relieved, he realized that Blair was listening and trying hard not to interrupt him. "He told me only light could stop the darkness and that the light had to come from within. When I finally found that light, it was you."

Blair's head jerked back so he could lock eyes with Jim. What was Jim talking about? Light?

"I saw all the good times we shared, but… also the bad times. I saw you die. I failed you. I should have been there for you to keep you safe. Instead, I kicked you out of the loft."

"You did what you thought was right," Blair exploded, unable to keep quiet any longer. "I'm to blame. I should have told you about Alex."

"No, you couldn't know she was a criminal. You were just doing research. I was out of line at the station when you apologized. I was trying so hard to keep you away from the danger that I… Damn, Blair. I'm sorry…" His emotions briefly got the better of him as he remembered Blair lying dead in the fountain.

Blair didn't speak, instinctively knowing Jim needed time. Without even realizing it he returned the caress, rubbing Jim's fingers. He didn't know where Jim was taking this, but he was willing to stick around to find out. Things couldn't get worse than they were.

"But about that vision. It made me realize how much I need you. How much I've been taking you for granted. Do you have any idea how I felt when I dragged you out of that fucking fountain?" Agitated, he tried not to lose his calm in front of Blair.

"No, why don't you tell me, Jim?" His voice sounded strangely calm, resigned to accept whatever fate threw his way.

"Simon had to tear me away from your corpse, Blair. I tried hard to control the pain, but I think I had a full blown panic attack when the medics gave up on you." He trembled with emotions, having kept this inside for too long. "I felt like lying down and dying too. I couldn't imagine a life without you, Chief."

Blair was stunned. Jim was truly opening up to him, something he'd always hoped for, but had never happened… until now. "Thanks for telling me, man." Tiny tremors rocked his voice. "I don't remember how I ended up in that fountain. She knocked me unconscious in my office."

"What do you think it meant? The wolf and the jaguar leaping into each other?" Jim tried again, deeply touched to see Blair's watering eyes. One tear escaped his love's eyes. This was going far better than he'd hoped, but he still needed to make another confession.

"I think…" Blair started hesitantly, uncertain whether to continue, "that it bonded us."

Jim nodded his head and smiled relieved. "It took me some time to reach the same conclusion." He raised his other hand and brushed away the tear that was flowing down Blair's face. "I'm sorry, Blair."

Blair didn't know what to say. This conversation was taking an unexpected twist. "So," he whispered eventually, "You think we can still be friends?"

Jim took a deep breath to steady himself. He'd hoped Blair would have understood by now. Apparently, he had to spell it out. "I never chose Alex."

Blair remembered Incacha's words. "You were drawn to her. Your children would be Sentinels."

Jim didn't really know why Blair had said that and he ignored it. "On the beach… when you ran towards us. Do you remember that she grabbed my gun?"

"Yeah," Blair laughed nervously, only now feeling Jim's fingertips wiping away the rest of his tears. Was he crying? Shit. "I thought she was going to kill me again and this time you wouldn't try to bring me back… now that you had her." Witnessing them making out on that beach had felt like the ultimate betrayal.

"You were right, Blair. I made a choice, reached a decision, but I chose you." Jim carefully watched the effect those words had on the younger man. "If I had chosen Alex, she would have killed you… but I didn't. I didn't fully realize it at that time, but… I wanted you, not her. I couldn't bear the thought of living without you. Alex and I… was wrong, should never have been."

"You chose me?" Blair repeated stunned and couldn't stop himself from leaning in and pressing his cheek against Jim's hand, accepting the caress, wanting it, and showing his need.

"I was too much of a coward to admit the truth back then, Blair," Jim whispered relieved. "The time spent in Sierra Verde seems like a nightmare at times and when we got back you told me you weren't coming back to the loft. I felt confused. I felt like… I was about to lose you all over again."

Blair savored the sensation of Jim's fingertips running over his skin, down his throat. Suddenly realizing what he was doing, he pulled back, got to his feet and paced the room.

Jim let him, realizing this was sudden and unexpected. This would work out, but Blair needed time. "Talk to me, Blair."

"What does it mean… you choosing me?" He whispered the words, afraid to speak them. "I need to know…" Abruptly, he halted in his tracks, uncertain what his next move should be. He didn't know if he was reading Jim right.

Jim rose from the sofa and joined him. "Blair? Look at me?" He brushed some curls out of Blair's face and cupped the younger man's chin in the palm of his hand. "It means that I'm in love with you… probably have been for a long time without realizing it, or maybe denying my feelings."

"Jim." Blair whispered the name and then turned away, breaking the spell.

"Am I too late? Don't you love me any longer? Did I lose your love, Chief?" Jim's heart pounded fiercely in the same rhythm as Blair's. Trying hard not to panic he waited for Blair's reply. "Please, don't let it be too late."

"I'm not sure, Jim," Blair admitted in a heavy tone. "So much happened…" He owed Jim a better answer, but words failed him. Looking at Jim he tried to explain his feelings. "I… have been in love with you for so long… I don't even remember when it started…" He sunk back down onto the couch and hardly registered Jim joining him, reclaiming his hands.

"Jim, I… never thought you could… love me in that way." Blair bit his lip, trying to find the right words. "And after Alex and you kissed I felt betrayed. This was the same woman who killed me."

"I'm sorry, Blair. I never wanted to hurt you." Slowly, he brought Blair's right hand to his lips and brushed the skin. He dialed down his sense of smell and touch, otherwise he would zone out on the feel and scent alone. "Part of me realized I was hurting you, trying to protect Alex the way I did, but…"

Blair stopped him, resting a finger against Jim's lips. "Let's not talk about the past, but of the present and the future."

"No," Jim firmly shook his head. "I need to know you can forgive me for betraying your trust." Surprised, he sensed the shivers running through Blair's body. "Can you forgive me?" Blair's answer would decide their future.

Blackie chose that exact moment to awkwardly fly over to them, precariously balancing on the back of the couch. Blair immediately used the distraction to avoid answering Jim's question. Incacha's voice took him completely by surprise.

//Look inside his heart and see the truth. Share your pain and if you can find it in your heart, forgive him.//

"Blair? Blair!" Jim called out, worried by the sudden empty look in his love's eyes. "Chief? Can you hear me?" Oh, this wasn't good. Blair didn't respond at all. Jim shook Blair's shoulders gently. "Blair? Talk to me!" But Blair remained motionless. Only his breathing reminded him that his love was still alive. "Don't do this, babe, you're scaring me…" Was this how Blair felt when he zoned?

//I want to forgive him, Incacha. But does he love me for who I am or out of pity?'// Blair asked at a loss. Entranced, he wondered why he couldn't move or speak.

"Blair?" Panicking, Jim caressed Blair's brow much like he had done when bringing him back to life and instinctively, Jim used the power of his animal spirit to reach out and contact the man he loved.

Blair shivered, realizing he was no longer alone. He was back on the spirit plane, Incacha sitting at the campfire and the wolf resting at the Shaman's feet.

"Blair!" Too concerned for his love's well being Jim hardly took the time to scan his surroundings. He ran towards Blair, whose back was turned to him. He froze, seeing Incacha and the wolf, but then forced himself to move again. "Blair!"

Hearing Jim's cry he spun around. "What are you doing here, Jim?"

"I followed you, Chief," Jim whispered breathlessly, taking in Blair's appearance. The young man's face was covered with traditional red and white paint. Blair's throat showed some of the ritual black body paint that also adored Incacha's skin. Suddenly, he saw the truth in the Chopec's eyes.

"He's no longer just your Guide, Enqueri. I promised you would find your true Guide… your Shaman." Incacha gracefully leaped to his feet and gently took hold of Blair's hand. "You owe him an answer, Inqucha."

Blair turned to face Jim, feeling distinctly uncomfortable wearing the traditional body paint. When had that happened? Last thing he remembered was sitting on Jim's couch and talking to him and he certainly hadn't been wearing any body paint!

Incacha recognized the confusion in his protégé's eyes and moved to stand behind him, placing a hand on Blair's shoulder. "You went into a trance, Inqucha. For you the borders of the real world and the spirit plane have shifted. You can wander both worlds."

"Blair, what's going on?" Intrigued, Jim approached the two men. "Incacha?"

Incacha nodded his head. "Answer him, Inqucha."

"Incacha's… teaching me how to be a Shaman…" Blair said softly, hesitantly catching Jim's gaze with his. "It started after we got back from Sierra Verde. I had visions and…"

"It was time for him to take his rightful place at your side, Enqueri. He's my successor, your true Guide… your light." Incacha watched them closely, hoping Blair would make the right decision. "Ask him again, Enqueri. Ask him for forgiveness, can you do that?"

"Yes," Jim walked up to Blair, gently took hold of his love's hand and smiled. Blair was his Shaman. He should never have doubted that, should have trusted his true Guide. "Can you forgive me for betraying you? For giving into Alex?"

Incacha squeezed Blair's shoulder. "Choose wisely, Inqucha. Enqueri can't lie here."

"I forgive you, Jim." Blair swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. "But I need to know… do you love me? Really love me? Why?"

"I love you, Blair. I think I fell in love with you the first time we met. You're kind and gentle, always helping others, looking out for them. You like to take of others, but I ask you now, will you let me take care of you? I want to make you happy."

"He speaks the truth, Inqucha," Incacha reminded him.

Blair knew he couldn't deny such love. "Jim, I love you too. Don't ever leave me, man."

Jim and Incacha exchanged a smile. "Take good care of your Shaman, Enqueri. He's your life." After speaking those words, Incacha dismissed them from the spirit plane.

///

"What happened?" Blair whispered as they found themselves back in the living room at the loft. "That was weird."

"Shamans," Jim said teasingly. "Can't trust them…" He still held Blair's hands and felt how cold they were. "At least the body paint is gone."

"Yeah, what was that about?" Blair smiled nervously. "I must have looked weird."

"You looked beautiful, Blair." Jim raised an eyebrow at the sight of the fierce blush. "Guess I need to tell you more often how gorgeous you are, babe."

Blair looked at their joined hands, extremely aware of Jim's fingers stroking his skin. "I don't really know what to do or say, man. I never expected any of this to happen when I accepted that dinner invitation."

"We'll take it slow, babe," Jim said reassuringly and kissed the back of his love's right hand. The texture of that delicious soft skin was remarkable and he dialed up his sense of touch, feeling every detail that made up Blair's fingers, the palm of his hand, his wrist.

"Jim? Don't zone on me, man. Dial it down."

"I'm not zoning, Chief… and I'm not dialing it down. Wish you could share this with me. You feel so… soft."

Blair's blush intensified and he felt shy. "Jim? Simon told me you also dated men in the past? That… surprised me. I never knew… You never dated a man while I lived here?"

Reluctantly, Jim dialed down his sense of touch and looked up into Blair's warm eyes. "Yeah, I dated a man once… but that was before I met you. You know something?" Carefully, he folded his arms around Blair's waist and gathered his love close to his chest. "Feels like I've been dating you for three years without realizing it."

Feeling shy, Blair rested his head against Jim's chest, loving the closeness, but also feeling awkward. Maybe it was time he made a confession of his own. "Jim… I don't know if this is the right time to mention it, but… I've never been in love with a man before… you're my first."

"And that scares you?" Jim smiled weakly. It certainly was a time for confessions.

"It doesn't scare me," Blair carefully selected his words, "But I don't really know what to… do."

"What about kissing on the couch?" Jim suggested and wondered if he could chase away the crow, which was watching them intensely.

Blair chuckled. "I think I can manage kissing on the couch."

Jim leaned back against the comfort of the sofa, forgetting about their voyeur and waited for Blair to make the first move. What would it feel like? Kissing Blair Sandburg's lips? The thought was enough to arouse him and now it was his time to fight the blush that crept over his face.

Smiling brightly, Blair leaned in closer and put his hands on Jim's shoulders, sneaking up to caress his throat. //Whom am I kidding? He can hear my thundering heartbeat.// He no longer bothered to hide his insecurity.

Jim returned the shy smile and pulled Blair close until his lover straddled his hips. "You still with me, babe?"

"Uh huh," Blair muttered, as Jim's fascinating lips descended on his. Brushing lips, he moaned his desire, running a hand up Jim's neck. He cocked his head and got his first real taste of Jim Ellison's lips.

//Babe can kiss,// Jim's brain noticed and he teasingly licked the inside of Blair's lips.

"Jim…" The sigh only reluctantly left his lips and he arched his back, pressing his lips harder onto Jim's.

//Come on inside, lover,// Jim thought wickedly and parted his teeth.

"Oh my God," Blair breathed into his lover's mouth as his tongue was lured inside. He grew rigid encountering Jim's tongue, groaning from the exquisite sensation. Tongue licked tongue, lips brushed lips and… they were forced to stop in order to breathe. "Intense, man," Blair chuckled breathlessly. "I definitely love kissing on the couch."

//What about spending the night at the loft?// But Jim bit back that question. He had to go slow. "You're a great kisser, Chief. We should have done this a long time ago."

"I agree," Blair whispered passionately. He still couldn't believe that this was really happening and his nervousness didn't make this any easier.

"What's wrong, babe?" Jim ran his hands up Blair's sides and soothingly stroked his lover's back. "You're worried about something? Am I moving too fast?'

"Jim." Blair replied after gathering his courage. He was committed to Jim and wanted to make this work. "Are you sure about this… us?"

"Yeah." Jim used his thumb to trace his lover's lips. "Are you?"

"About us? Yes." Blair couldn't resist and surprised himself as he licked Jim's thumb, running his tongue up and down the digit.

"Chief…" Jim moaned low in his throat, cursing the fact that he wanted to take this slow. If he had his way he'd take Blair right here and now.

Unaware of how aroused Jim was, Blair looked up at him with a troubled expression. "It's just… none of my previous relationships worked out."

"This is different, Blair. We belong together." Jim recomposed himself and buried his lover in a warm hug, willing his arousal to go away.

"You'll have to be patient with me, Jim. I need time to… get used to this, man. There's so much going on in my life." Blair slid off Jim's lap and settled down next to his lover, Jim's arms were still wrapped around him. "I need to tell you about Incacha."

The crow cawed, obviously displeased with the change of subject. "Don't mind Blackie. He's getting an attitude."

"Chief…" Jim suddenly remembered something long forgotten and studied the crow. "Did I ever tell you that Incacha also has a spirit guide?"

Blair locked eyes with him and followed Jim's gaze as it came to rest on the crow, which spread its wings and manages to fly back to the bookshelf. Sudden understanding washed through him. "Don't tell me it's a crow, man."

"I'm afraid so." Jim wondered about the injured crow. "Did you notice anything… out of the ordinary about the bird?"

"Jim, it's a weird bird," Blair admitted at once, "But you can't possibly think…"

"Why not?"

"This is too weird, man," Blair whispered, closely observing the crow that plainly ignored them. "Must be coincidence."

"Just keep an eye on that crow, Chief…" Dismissing the subject for now Jim encouraged his new lover to snuggle up to him. "Love holding you, babe."

"Jim? I think I could use a glass of sake."

"You sure? In the past you sometimes reacted funny to it."

"Funny?"

"Yeah, you start giggling, make horrible jokes and…" Jim quickly fled the sofa at seeing Blair's stunned expression and got them beer instead. "Safer this way."

"Shit," Blair cursed after taking a few sips, remembering drinking some sake as well. "I can't drive home like this! And you had even more to drink!"

"You can sleep here," Jim suggested, ducking his head as Blair threw him a dirty glance. "In your old bedroom," he quickly clarified. Another more wicked part of him added, "Or in my bed upstairs."

"You're moving too fast, man. I just realized that you love me. I can't go that fast…" Blair felt like a coward, but it was the truth. Only hours ago he'd thought he would suffer the rest of his life from unrequited love. "I'll just call a cab."

"You sure, Chief? I would love having you here all night. Just cuddling… snuggling and kissing on the sofa."

"Jim…" Blair sighed, angry with himself. "I need time." He didn't want to disappoint Jim, but had to follow his instincts and they told him to take this slow. "I moved out of the loft, remember?"

"We can rectify that tomorrow by moving your stuff back in. I want you here, babe." Saddened, Jim saw the hurt in Blair's eyes. His lover had forgiven him, but they still had to make this relationship work. "Will you move back in? Please?" he added and cocked his head, giving Blair his best imitation of puppy- dog eyes. "Pretty please?" He could play dirty if necessary.

Blair burst out into a warm chuckle. "You really want that, don't you?" He didn't need to hear the answer. Jim's face was an open book. "Fine. I'll move back in, but I'm going to keep my old room for now."

"Thanks, babe. I'll help you move back tomorrow." Jim leaned in and instigated a kiss. Blair gave in willingly and delighted, Jim noticed that his lover deepened the kiss. Sucking the tip of Blair's tongue Jim quavered, hearing his lover moan. "You like that?"

"What are you doing to me, man?" Blair trembled as Jim's arms pulled him closer. Gasping for breath he still managed to enjoy the warm embrace.

"What's your favorite color, Blair?"

"Uh?" He wasn't paying attention, too fascinated by the up and down movement of Jim's chest, which he used as a pillow. "What's the question?"

"What's your favorite color, babe?" Jim repeated amused, savoring Blair's closeness. It was so relaxing and comforting. It was the first time he'd felt this relaxed since… since Alex had entered their lives.

"Red," Blair answered without giving it a second thought. "Why?"

"I just want to know… what's your favorite food?"

"Thai!" Blair playfully slapped his lover's chest. "You just prepared my favorite food!"

"What's your favorite drink? And don't say algae shakes, 'cause I won't believe you!" Jim didn't know why, but he had the sudden craving to know all these private things, which would make him feel even closer to Blair. "Just tell me, babe."

"Favorite drink…" he actually had to think about that. " Does camomile tea count?"

"Sure… favorite book?"

"Man, you're not letting me off the hook with this!" Blair sighed, secretly delighted by Jim's curiosity. He didn't often get the chance to share these private things. "The Sentinels of Paraguay!" he countered victoriously.

"You got me there," Jim admitted. "Favorite band?"

"That's the last one I'm going to answer!" Blair decided. "Except from my new age tapes and tribal music?"

"Apart from that, yes."

"This is stupid," he giggled. Jim couldn't possible be interested in all these things! "Depeche Mode."

"Never heard of them. Need to listen to their CD's if they're your favorite band."

"You know, Jim… just sitting here with you holding me feels good."

"Want to do this for the rest of the evening?" Jim smiled, safely tucking Blair's head underneath his chin. "Sleep in your old bedroom tonight? We should call Simon so he won't worry about you."

"Worry about me?" Blair breathed in Jim's scent, tentatively caressing his lover's skin. "Maybe you're right. Sometimes he treats me like he treats Daryl. Actually… he makes a pretty good father figure."

"I think that feeling's mutual. Simon was really upset --and that's an understatement-- when the medics gave up on you. He was barely holding up… not that I was doing much better."

Blair felt too comfortable to leave the couch, let alone the loft. "In that case we can have another beer, maybe watch a movie and…snuggle?"

"I always suspected you're a snuggler, Chief," he chuckled; silently thanking Incacha for guiding his lover when he'd needed it most. Now, everything would work out just fine.

END