'Time After Time'

by danakszoul

Fandom: Sentinel

PAIRING: Who else? Jim Ellison/Blair Sandburg

NOTES: Filk. Blair is gone, and general angsting abounds.

DISCLAIMER: Not mine, obviously. Neither is the song.


'Time After Time'
by danakszoul


//Lying in my bed, I hear the clock tick and
Think of you
Caught up in circles, 
Confusion is nothing new
Flashback-- warm nights
Almost left behind.
Suitcase of memories.
Time after--//

It's two in the morning on a hot August night. If Blair was here, now is when he'd be getting out of bed, and I'd hear his footsteps padding across the floor as he went into the bathroom, where he'd soak his t-shirt in cold water to make sleep bearable. But Blair's not here, and as hard as I listen, I wont hear him getting up.

//Sometimes you picture me, 
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you said
Then you say-- Go slow
I fall beyind. 
The second hand unwinds//

I can't sleep here. I can't sleep anymore, knowing Jim isn't a door and a staircase away to fix anything and everything that might go wrong. On the rare occasions that I do get some sleep, I dream of him, and when I stay up, I remember him, and it's getting harder and harder to tell which is which. I remember talking-- I don't remember what about, the important part was Jim, not me. I was running on at the mouth, and I remember he placed his hand on my head and 
said 'Hold up, Chief', and chuckled, that warm, low reverberating laugh that makes the little hairs on the back of my neck and arms stand on end. Little moments like that.

//If you're lost, you can look
And you will find me
Time after time//

Why? Why did I find that note on my fridge two days ago, telling me that Blair was walking out of my life? Were there any signs, could I have stopped him? Did I drive him to go? Oh... oh, maybe he figured it out. I knew that if he ever found out I was in love with him, that would be the end of things. I just figured I wouldn't tell him, and I'd settle for his friendship, and we'd work together, just like always. But if he found out on his own, and he thinks I was lying to 
him or something... Maybe now he never wants to see me again. I don't know how I'll make it if he doesn't come back home. I wait up every night hoping, but I-- Why did things turn out this way?

//If you fall, I will catch you,
I'll be waiting.
Time after time//

Why? Why did I run off like that? Well, okay, I know why. Because I'm in love with him, and the longer I stayed, the more dangerous it got, the more I was afraid I would say or do something, and he would put two and two together and come up with 'Blair Sandburg's got the hots for his macho cop roommate Jim Ellison', but... Well, I could have said something. He deserves that at least. I'm such a jerk. Jim could need me, he could be having trouble with his senses. But did I think of that? No, not me. I'm too much of an idiot. All I was thinking about was how I couldn't cope if he found out first and kicked me out, of how I couldn't live with myself if I ever had to see that rejection in his eyes, or hate or pity, or worse, outright disgust. I'm his Guide. I should've been more responsible.

//After my picture fades, the darkness has
Turned to grey
Watching through windows, you're wondering
If I'm okay
Secrets stolen 
From deep inside
The drum beats out of time//

The world is dull without him. I keep everything dialed down. In part because I'm not sure if I can cope with it all without Blair. In part because I am sure I can't cope with putting all my senses on full and not being able to find him. And he's outside my reach. I wonder if he misses me, if maybe it wasn't because he found out and couldn't face me. Maybe he needs me. Regardless, I need him. Not just as a Sentinel, but as a man. I need him as my partner, my friend, as... As Blair. My whole life is falling apart without him, out of synch. 

//If you're lost, you can look
And you will find me
Time after time//

I wonder if he misses me, needs me. Maybe not just as a Guide, but as me. I check my e-mail every five minutes, hoping he's tried to track me down, but I guess he's not that worried, because he hasn't. And it's not like it would be so hard for him to track me down if he wanted to. He's a cop, so he's got all sorts of equipment. Plus, the Sentinel thing must give him one heck of an advantage. If he wanted to find me, he could. Listen to me, blaming him for the fact that I'm not there. It was my mistake. It isn't Jim's fault. And if he does need me, if there's something wrong with his senses or something, then maybe he can't contact me, or track me. Man, I am such an idiot! I never should have... Oh, man, oh, Jim, I-- I am so sorry... If something's happened to him because of me, I'll never forgive myself.

//If you fall, I will catch you
I will be waiting
Time after time//

What if he's in trouble? I don't know why he left, but if he is-- I mean, Blair gets in trouble a *lot*, usually the kind where psychos kidnap him or try to kill him. And I was afraid he wouldn't want me to follow, and I wasted three days, what if he-- What if I'm too late? No. No, I wont be too late, I don't care what happened, I will not be too late. I'm going to find him. He's my Guide, he's my partner, and no one, *no* *one*, is going to change that. I'm going after him. And if the truth slips out, well, then he'll know, and we'll find a way to live with that. Because I'm not letting him get away without a fight.

//You said-- Go slow
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds//

I'm going back. Even if he's not in trouble now, he might get in trouble without me if I don't show up. I'm going to go back, and I'm going to apologize, and I'm going to-- I'm going to tell him everything, how I feel, why I left, and if he wants to pretend it never happened, then I can do that. It's obviously better than I had hoped for when I ran away. And if he wants me gone, well... I'll find someplace else to live, but I'll stay close by, in case he needs me. And if he-- No. Don't let yourself hope, Sandburg. But if he does... well, then I'll be happy. But I'm giving him the truth. After what he's had to put up with, he deserves that much. We both do.

//If you're lost, you can look
And you will find me
Time after time//

According to the intelligence I got, someone who might have been Blair left Cascade and got as far as Portland. Presumably safe. Then they turned around and started heading back the way they came. Home. Please, oh please let this be Blair coming home, because I don't think I could take a letdown like that. He means too much to me, and I've already lost him, or come so close to losing him, so many times...

//If you fall, I will catch you
I will be waiting
Time after time//

No more stopping, no more motels. Nothing now but driving. This time tomorrow, Jim's gonna find his arms full of Guide. Whatever happens after I apologize, happens. But I'm going home, and I'm not going to let myself chicken out now. Not with Jim at stake.

//Time after time
Time after time
Time after time
Time after time//


~FIN~