The Lottery Ticket

by Morgana

Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com

Fandom: The Sentinel

Rating: R

Pairings: Jim/Blair

Summary: After the dissertation fiasco Blair buys a lottery ticket and it changes their lives

Warning: PWP

Disclaimer: The Sentinel is a creation by Danny Bilson and Paul DeMeo and belongs to Paramount Pictures, Pet Fly Productions & UPN.

Jim glanced at the lottery ticket that Blair had stuck onto the fridge a minute ago. "Hey, since when do you play the lottery?" His eyes drifted off to Blair. He walked over to Blair's room and cringed, seeing all the papers that Blair was stuffing into boxes. Three days ago, Blair had publicly announced that his thesis was a lie and that had made him a fraud. Chancellor Edwards had told Blair to clean out his office and although he had offered to help, Blair had insisted he gathered his things alone.

Blair had returned to the loft one hour ago and hadn't spoken a word since. Worried, he walked up to Blair. "Chief?" Hearing that one word stopped Blair's frantic movements. Jim had been his downfall, but also his salvation and right now the Sentinel was the only safe heaven he had left. Naomi had never been able to make him feel safe and wanted, but Jim had. "I've got nothing to lose," he explained. "I was at the store and bought one. Never played the lottery before. Always felt it was a waste of money."

"Blair." He touched Blair's shoulder, but the younger man pulled back. "When did things go this horribly wrong?" The question had left his lips before he'd realized it. "I'm so sorry."

Blair shrugged the comment off. "It went wrong a long time ago… when I didn't move out after that week was up." He didn't meet Jim's eyes. "Are you sure you want me to stay now everyone thinks I'm a fraud?"

"Blair, I know the truth… You're not a fraud. Don't start believing that." He reached out again and this time Blair didn't pull back. He rested his hand on Blair's shoulder and squeezed it gently. "I want you here."

"But you no longer need me," Blair said in a sad tone as he stared at the pile of boxes that held a lifetime of research.

"I'll always need you!" he stated determinedly. "Blair, I made dinner… please join me in the kitchen?" Blair had lost his appetite since the dissertation fiasco. He couldn't blame the younger man, but Blair still had to eat.

Feeling fatigued he followed Jim and sank down at the kitchen table. The smell of pasta sent his stomach into convulsions. "I don't think I can eat, man."

"Blair, I don't want to rush you, but… we need to talk." Jim's grip on the spoon made his knuckles go white. He dreaded having this conversation and he had postponed it for three days. "Simon needs an answer."

"About the badge?" Blair poked his food, playing with it, but never taking a bite. "I wouldn't make a good cop and you know it," he sighed eventually.

"Chief, you would make a great detective!" Jim raised his right hand, cupped Blair's chin in his palm and forced the younger man to lock eyes with him. "You helped us solve so many cases. Remember that one time when you and Simon had to work together? Simon only managed to solve that case because of you."

"You don't have to cheer me up," Blair said, feeling miserably. "We both know that I would be a failure."

"Why? You've already done the job for the last three years and you're good at it." Jim pushed his plate aside, completely focusing on Blair. "You've done a detective's work these years, hell, even the paperwork."

Annoyed, Blair pulled away from Jim's hold and paced the kitchen. "They think I'm a fraud. What do you think will happen when I call for backup?"

"Ah," Jim sighed and leaned back. "That's it?"

Blair came to a stop and stared at the floor. "Giving me a detective's badge is a bad idea."

Jim got to his feet as well, walked over to Blair and grabbed his partner's arms, forcing him to stay in place. "Let me tell you something, Chief. Simon knows I'm a Sentinel, so does Megan. Now that your dissertation is out there, don't you think other people will also realize your thesis is valid? Joel always wonders about my hunches, so do Brown and Rafe. Forensics saw me identify things because I smelled them."

Still unconvinced, Blair remained silent. He didn't even want to think people had seen through the lies he'd told at the press conference. That would make Jim incredibly vulnerable.

"Do I have to remind you of all the people we've worked with through the years who have seen me use my senses or zone out?" Jim wished Blair would look him in the eyes. "You might have said you're a fraud, but I doubt they believe it!"

"That would be disastrous… Maybe I should contact the press, tell them again it was fiction and…"

"Blair!" Jim practically screamed. "You aren't listening!"

"What do you want from me?" Blair finally found the courage to answer Jim's gaze.

"I want you to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. Regardless of your choice, I'll be there for you!" Jim had spoken with conviction and saw dawning realization in Blair's eyes. "Yes, I want you to be my official partner, but if you want to do something differently, I'll back you up."

"You no longer need my help with your senses. You control them… There's no need for me to join the force." Feeling even sadder, Blair shook his head. "I wonder why you continue to put up with me."

Because I fucking love you! Jim thought, but couldn't say it. He'd tried to say those words these last years, but he'd never managed them and now that Blair needed to hear them, they were stuck in his throat. In the end, Jim wrapped Blair in a warm hug. "What am I going to do with you, Chief?"

"Jim?" Blair stepped back, breaking the connection and folded his arms around his waist. "I wanted to talk to you about the rent. I don't have the money… maybe an extension? I should have a temporary job in a few days." Jim's expression took him back. "What is it, Jim?"

"Don't you worry about the rent. This is your home too. You don't owe me." Jim managed to keep his voice balanced. The direction this conversation was taking was making him uncomfortable. It set off several alarms in his head. If only he could tell Blair the truth; 'Blair, I love you'. Why were those words so hard?

"Thanks, Jim. But I wouldn't feel comfortable freeloading like that." Blair fidgeted with his shirt. He gathered his courage and finally blurted out, "I'm not sure I can do the badge thing." He'd kept his fear inside for three days and now it had to get out.

"Come on, Chief, let's sit down and discuss this," Jim said calmly and guided Blair to the sofa where they sat down. Usually Blair was the rational one, the calm one, but this time their roles were reversed and he had to be the guide. "Why do you think that?"

"The fire arms training," Blair admitted and looked to Jim for understanding.

Jim cocked his head. "Can you be a little more specific? Do you think you won't pass the final test or…?"

"I can't aim a gun at people." Blair stared at his hands, which rested useless in his lap.

"You aimed at people before…" Jim reminded him. In the beginning of their relationship Blair had hated the use of firearms, but he had thought Blair had realized the necessity during the years.

"What if I shoot and only injure the perp and he gets a shot at you and…" Blair's voice trailed off.

"Blair," Jim said and scooted a little closer. "When you're a cop you can't control everything. It's dangerous, yes. There's always the chance something goes wrong, but I know that you would never intentionally do something that would result in harming me." Jim realized with a pang that Blair's self confidence was gone. "Apart from the fire arms training, would you want to be a detective?"

"I like working with you, helping people…" Blair considered the question. "I guess, yes."

"Why don't you take the fire arms training and we'll see what happens next? I would hate to lose the best partner I ever had," Jim said, carefully steering Blair's thoughts in the direction he wanted them. "Talk to Simon and Joel, see what they say. Ask them if they think you would make a good detective."

Relieved that Jim wasn't making a big deal out of this, Blair nodded his head. He'd been scared to talk to Jim about his doubts. "And what if I want to do something completely different?"

"You go for whatever it is that you want to do. We'll work something out." He gently squeezed Blair's hand, relieved they'd gotten this in the open. He suspected Blair would need to hear this kind of reassurance a lot during the next few weeks.

*

Two hours later, Blair got up from the couch. They had watched a documentary about the wildlife in the Amazon and had both enjoyed it. "I'm turning in for the night," Blair announced.

Jim studied his partner. Since their talk Blair had seemed a little more at ease, but uncertainty was obviously still eating away at Blair. "Hey, the lottery show is on in ten. You don't want to know if you won something?" Truth was that he didn't want Blair to retreat.

"I want to get up early to start looking for a job," Blair admitted hesitantly. "I still need to think about the badge thing."

At least he's considering it. "Don't worry about money, Blair, okay?"

You've got no idea what this means to me, Blair thought, feeling sad and happy at the same time. No one had ever offered to look out for him, to be there every step of the way. "Thanks, Jim." He turned to head for his room when Jim's voice stopped him in his tracks.

"Earlier you said that you might want to do something completely different. What's that?" Jim tried to lock eyes with Blair, but those blue eyes avoided him. It was honest curiosity that made him ask. He still thought Blair would make one hell of a detective.

"I minored in psychology," Blair said, ill at ease.

"And now you want to go back and get your degree?" Jim nodded his head. It made perfect sense. And yes, considering the way Blair had handled Jim Ellison, the younger man would make a terrific shrink.

"But I don't have the money for it," Blair explained. "I'll be paying back my student loans until I'm old and grey. Not to mention that… I can't ever go back to the academic world now that…"

Jim rose from the couch, catching the miserable expression in Blair's eyes. "Get some sleep, Chief. Things might look better in the morning."

"Somehow I doubt that." Blair went in to his room and closed the French doors, leaving Jim behind. He collapsed on to his bed, pulled up the blankets and closed his eyes, not even bothering to shed his clothes before turning in. He tried to muffle his soft sobs, knowing Sentinel ears would easily pick up on them and he hoped Jim wouldn't come in to comfort him. He needed time to think.

*

Jim returned to the sofa and stared at the screen. Blair was hurting and he felt helpless because he couldn't stop it. Why can't I say, 'I love you?' But making that admission, accepting that commitment, scared the hell out of him. The people he'd cared about had always hurt him and then had left him to pick up the pieces of his life. He was scared to think that Blair might be different.

The lottery show was on and they were getting ready to announce the numbers of the winning ticket.

Remembering that Blair had bought a ticket, Jim kept watching. Just let him get lucky once… is that too much to ask? Blair needs a break.

His eyes sought out the lottery ticket on the fridge and he mentally imprinted the numbers. Then he concentrated on the TV again. He held his breath as they announced the winning numbers. Stunned, he stared at the row of numbers on screen, then checked the lottery ticket again. He got up and marched into the kitchen, collecting the ticket. As he sat down again, he swallowed hard. "Blair won the jackpot." He checked all data again, just to make sure. He hadn't made a mistake. Everything was correct and the ticket valid. Blair had just won over 9 million dollars! He won't have to worry about money ever again! Jim thought pleased and then… Panic set in. If Blair found out that he'd won the jackpot, why would he stick around? Blair would move out of the loft, leave him, and travel to all the different places he had ever wanted to visit. Hell, the kid could finance his own expeditions now. Where did that leave Jim Ellison?

Receiving a post card at first and later, Blair will forget about me. He knew it was a selfish thing to do, but he couldn't risk losing Blair. The young man was his life! Jim switched off the TV and with the ticket in his right hand, he climbed the stairs to his bedroom and tucked the ticket safely away in the nightstand drawer. He lay down on bed, still fully clothed. His thoughts continued to run in circles. Once Blair knows he won the money he'll be out of here. He'll be able to do everything he wants… Oh God, I can't survive alone.

Fear buried its claws in him and Jim sat upright with a start. Losing Blair again wasn't an option. His instincts demanded he made sure Blair was close. He needed Blair and for the first time he fully acknowledged that. The lottery ticket was in the drawer, mocking him, laughing at him. It was Blair's ticket to freedom.

Resolutely Jim rose from the bed, stalked downstairs and probed the French doors, which Blair hadn't locked. As they opened, they revealed chaos. Boxes were piled up to the ceiling and Blair was asleep amidst papers and books. Jim entered the little room and sat on his heels beside the bed. Blair was soundly asleep, probably due to mental and emotional exhaustion. Blair, please forgive me for being a selfish bastard, but I can't lose you. Jim sat down cross-legged and claimed a lock of Blair's hair, running it through his fingers. The sensation was exquisite. He knew what he had to do to keep Blair at the loft, but could he speak the words? His fingers released the lock and trailed down Blair's face. His sensitive fingertips found the remnants of the tears Blair had shed only hours ago. He wished he could take away Blair's pain and hurt and give bliss in return. Maybe he could do that… all he had to do was try.

"Blair? I love you." The words had left his lips before he'd realized it and his body tensed. Had Blair heard them? "I should have told you a long time ago, but I was scared you would leave me. When you stayed longer than just a week, I hoped you understood, but…" He registered the change in Blair's vitals, realizing the young man was waking up. He had to do this before he lost his courage. "Blair, I love you. I've been in love with you for years. I don't know how you feel about me and I don't want to push you. I…"

"Jim?" Blair's eyes opened. Jim's confession had turned his world upside down. "Do you mean it?"

"Oh yes!" Jim exclaimed and used his fingers to trace Blair's lips. So far Blair had reacted calmly and not ordered him to leave the room. Maybe there was hope yet. "I'm just a egoistic bastard who makes fear based decisions, do you remember?" Blair wanted to answer that one, but Jim didn't let him."No, let me finish. I’m sorry, Blair. Sorry for not trusting you. For letting myself think that you'd leaked the dissertation on purpose, that you would go for the money."

"Jim…" Blair reached out and took hold of Jim's hand. Tremors shook both their hands when they twined fingers. "No, Blair, I need to say more." Jim took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for reading your dissertation without your permission. I guess the fear based decisions section kinda… hit home. I'm sorry for so many things."

"Jim, I made mistakes too!" Blair insisted and waved Jim's protest away. "I wasn't careful. I should have deleted your name. Hell, I should have changed the topic of my thesis years ago when I lost my objectivity!"

Blair still owed him an answer and although he feared the outcome he had to know. "Blair, I love you. How do you feel about me?" He held his breath in fearful anticipation.

Stunned, Blair looked him in the eyes. "Can't you tell, Jim? I'm crazy about you!" Blair exploded. "I've been in love with you for years! Why do you think I never moved out? Why I stalled on my dissertation?"

A brilliant smile exploded on Jim's face. Why had he been afraid? "Move over, Darwin. I've got to tell you something else." Blair scooted towards the wall and Jim managed to lie down beside Blair, facing him. After wrapping arms and legs around each other, Jim asked, "Comfortable?"

"You don't know how many nights this was my favorite dream… finding you in my bed and myself in your arms." Blair rested his head on Jim's shoulder, eyes still locked and fingers twined.

"I wish I had known… " Jim sighed regretfully. "I should have told you earlier."

"What else did you want to tell me, Jim?" He snuggled up to Jim, wondering about the unexpected turn his life had taken. Suddenly, the whole ordeal was worthwhile, now that he had Jim's love.

"I watched the lottery show," Jim started hesitantly. Would this destroy their new relationship? How would Blair react to the news? "You got the winning lottery ticket, Chief."

"Say that again?" He stared at Jim. What the hell was the man talking about?

"You won over nine million. Your money troubles are over," Jim said softly.

"Jim, don't pull my leg. I…"

"It's the truth. I wouldn't joke about this." Jim held Blair's stare. "You're a multi millionaire."

"I can't believe you!" Blair stated in an angry tone. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"All right, looks like I have to prove it to you." Jim grabbed Blair's waist and pulled him with him as he struggled out of bed and into the living area. "Sit down," he instructed and fetched the lottery ticket from his bedroom. Then he switched on the TV and found a rerun of the show. "See for yourself."

Blair stared at the ticket and then shifted his glance to the TV screen. The numbers matched. "Jim?"

"Finally convinced?" Jim stood rigid, waiting for Blair to start his victory dance and announce his departure. Blair immediately registered the shift in Jim's mood. Fear based decisions, Jim. He placed the lottery ticket on the coffee table. It hadn't fully registered yet that he'd won the jackpot. "You assumed I would leave you."

Jim didn't deny it. "Yes."

"Why?" Blair really wanted to hear Jim's answer.

"Now that you've got all this money you can finance your own expeditions, study psychology at the best university available and… I hurt you too many times for you to want to stay." Jim turned away from Blair and his hands clenched in to fists.

"Ah, Jim," Blair whispered in full understanding. He joined Jim and cautiously wrapped his arms around the muscular frame. "I can't ever leave you. We'll always be together. The money doesn't change that."

Hardly believing Blair had spoken those words, Jim turned around and noticed how the younger man tightened the hold. "But…"

"I still can't believe I won that money," Blair said, shrugging his shoulders. "If I did, I'll pay back the money I owe the banks and…"

"You'll stay?" Jim asked in disbelief.

"That's why you finally told me you loved me, isn't it?" Blair realized. "You thought that I would pack my things and leave you because I won that money." Jim was so easy to read!

"Yeah," Jim admitted and looked Blair in the eyes. The love and determination he found there surprised him.

"I'll stay," Blair repeated. "But if this is true… financially I would be secure…"

"You could study whatever you want…" Jim pointed out to him.

"I could take you to Tibet, New Guinea… we could travel the world. Or what about Paris, London, Venice?" Blair smiled happily. "Have you ever been to Europe?"

"No, I haven't… you would take me with you?" Jim raised his hand and allowed his fingers to tangle in Blair's hair.

"I wouldn't go without you, Jim."

Those honest words reassured Jim. "What are we going to do now?"

"Go back to bed and collect the money tomorrow?" Blair suggested. "But your bed is bigger than mine," he hinted in an impish tone. "What do you think, sexy?"

Jim laughed, finally freed of his insecurity and fears. Blair loved him and wanted to be with him. "I think that's a great idea, Chief."

As they climbed the stairs to their bedroom, Jim realized that Blair was clutching the lottery ticket in his hand. He felt relieved that he'd told Blair, that he had made the right decisions. Yes, the lottery ticket had already changed their lives and would continue to change them, but the changes would be for the better.

"I love you too, Jim," Blair whispered as they lay down in bed. Snuggling up to Jim, he sighed blissfully. "I'll never leave you."

Jim remained silent, finally understanding how deep their feelings ran for each other. Their bond couldn't be broken, never!

May 2001
The end